What does 'being content' mean?

What is your definition of content? Most of my clients come to see me because they are looking for some level of contentment. However I have found there is a sense of fear that if they are content they won't be successful.  Ironically we all want to be 'content' but there is a misnomer that if we are content we stop seeking, stop striving for the next thing.  I would argue that being content doesn't mean we morph into couch potatoes that have no drive or ambition.  In fact I would argue that when we strive for contentment our lives become more rich and full.  When we are living from a place of contentment we engage in activities that give us joy and meaning, rather then just the activities we were told we should be doing.

I admit I was guilty of this too.  In the about me section of my website I describe my own struggle with finding contentment. My lament use to be "I have a great life, a good job, a supportive family--I SHOULD be happy".  I wasn't though, I was a walking charade, convincing myself daily that I was happy because I had everything I should want, from the outside all looked right.  I had just bought a house, had a job that I enjoyed, I had an active social life and felt loved and supported by those around me.  I knew the issue was with me, it was my own drive/ambition desire to get off the treadmill and focus on what was important to me.  Not what SHOULD be making me happy.

Frequently many of us live for the I'll be happy when moments...i'll be happy when I get everything checked off my list, or when I get married, have a baby, get a new job and the list goes on and on.  When I ask clients the question of why their to do list is so important or achieving the next thing is going to make them happy many of them are dumb struck.  They haven't really ever thought about why the are on the treadmill or what it is they value or want out of life.  Someone somewhere told us we SHOULD want these things and we swallowed it, internalized it and jumped on the treadmill without much thought.      

To me contentment means:

• We take time to notice where we are, we enjoy the wow moments and we are present to our lives.
• We pay attention to what we value and we shape our lives around those values.
• We don't live our lives from an external place of should but rather we get quiet and listen to our own inner voice and figure out what matters to us.
• We start implementing the activities/people that feed our soul, give us energy and make us content.
• We recognize contentment isn't a destination but a life long process of spiraling up.  Continually checking in with ourselves and recognizing when we have started to get pulled back on the treadmill of life. 

But I want to hear from you--what are your thoughts on contentment? Is it possible to be content AND achieve success in life?  Do you struggle with being content? What does being content mean to you?

A Challenge to Living Happier: Negativity

Last week I was leading a group of women who get together once a month to talk about Living Happier.  The topic of our discussion was joy and how to add more joy into our lives.  As we went around the table discussing this concept it came out that most of us although we would describe ourselves as positive and 'glass is half full' people in all honesty, we had a default setting of negativity.  Meaning that when we really had awareness around our thoughts there were a lot of negative thoughts dancing around in our heads.  Such as 'ugh, i am so tired', 'another day at work', or 'I hate my ___ (fill in blank, job, life, relationship).', and in reality when we really noticed the thoughts and assessed our lives they weren't true.

I know this is true for me, and in all honesty, I am embarrassed to admit it since I write a live happier blog and all.  But I notice that my first unconscious thought is usually negative.  The beauty is that I NOTICE that, I am aware that my mind has a tendency/default mechanism to go to the bad space as I lovingly refer to it.  And because I have built this awareness I can usually catch myself before I am too far down the rabbit hole.  I also surround myself with people who even if they have this tendency are trying to live happier lives, they are trying to stay positive.  In this culture, we have a propensity towards the negative, we tend to awfulize whatever is happening.  From the news media to the talks at the water cooler most people just want to hear about the drama/or the negativity that is happening.  Many times this negativity/drama energy becomes like an addiction it is a way we can escape what is really happening in our lives.  We can get stuck in the cycle of bitching and complaining about life and causing drama along the way rather than really standing up and making changes in our lives for the better.

Bottom Line:  We really have the world working against in our quest to live happier.  So we need to step up our game.

1. BE AWARE if you have a tendency towards negative thinking and catch yourself as quickly as possible in those thoughts.  Don't allow them to spiral out of control.  Check their validity and I promise that most of the time they are more out of a place of default then based in actual reality.  If they are based in actual reality--notice and allow yourself to feel what comes up don't shame yourself in to feeling positive. Pay attention if these negative feelings are there to tell you something, maybe you need to make a change or a shift in your lifestyle.

2. LIMIT the DRAMA.  Drama is addicting, it is easy to get sucked into. So notice the people and activities you surround yourself with.  If drama is a regular part of these events then step away.   By decreasing the amount of drama and negativity you surround yourself with you will be less drawn to that way of life.

Any other tips you have for fighting the negative default setting?  Is this something you struggle with?

Your Presence is Your Present

Frequently on party invitations from friends I will see the phrase your presence is your present. Which is a lovely statement for all of life.  Most of the time we just need people to show up for us.  To be present to our both our doubts and fears as well as our victories and celebrations.  We want to come up with something brilliant or wise to say but in reality it is our presence that is healing.  I believe it is our ability to show up and stand with someone as they move through life's challenges and tribulations.

Friends and I were just venting the other day about the trite sayings well meaning people put forth in time of stress:  "You are strong, you will get through this", "This too shall pass", "There are people way worse off then you", "I knew someone that went through that...." etc.  As I said people are well meaning, I think we feel a pressure or a social norm to SAY or DO something.  To fill the space, or move past the uncomfortable feelings.  But in reality if we can pause and just be present with the other person we are truly giving them a gift.  We are allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable to those we are close to without saying a word.

When someone is struggling or in pain, we want to HELP we want to DO something.  It just doesn't feel enough to show up and be with them.  But allowing someone who is going through one of life's valleys to just be themselves to be sad, angry, happy, busy or bored.  To accept them where they are and how they are reacting is such a gift.  To hold off on the advice, sayings or personal examples and allow them to have their own space is an amazing act of love and respect.  And then to be able to give ourselves that same gift.  To allow ourselves to have the space to experience our emotional lives and our thoughts as the come.   I believe, we can only be present and show up to others when we can show up to ourselves.

So this week practice showing up.  Allowing your presence to be your present.

We All Need A Little Love

Recently I came across this amazing quote:  "There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world then for bread".  --Mother Theresa  I love the quotes that make you pause and think, this would be one of them.  I have written on this blog about kindness and appreciation, even about love.  I wonder at times what keeps us from embracing the world with love, it seems like such a simple practice. But I know in reality, as we go out in to the world this concept is actually a  challenging one. It is challenging to let down our own anger, hurt, sadness and fear.  To release our agenda or judgments in honor of love and appreciating someone else or even ourselves.  I know when I am most judgmental it is when I am feeling most insecure.  It is this insecurity, this pain when allowed to run amuck causes the most damage to ourselves and those around us.

For many of us that hunger starts from within, we feel unworthy, unappreciated, unloved.  We walk around with chips on our shoulder because we have hammered ourselves so hard there is little left.  We have a vision of perfection, of how we should be and when we fall short we beat ourselves up at our core and don't let up.  And then we turn on those closest to us, wondering how they could possibly love something so vile and  full of muck as we are, we push them away with our own frustration and pain.  Then when they react negatively to our unkindness we feel justified that yes we are in fact despicable human beings and the pattern start all over again.  The truth is, we can't expect someone to treat us with kindness and love us unconditionally if we aren't at least attempting to love ourselves unconditionally.   The other truth is we are all full of muck. We all have fears, sadness, imperfections.  We are all doing the best we can with what we have. The beauty is being honest about those glitches and owning them, rather then pushing them down and hammering ourselves with them so when they spring forth they come out in bitter resentment.

In my opinion, the only way we can go out into the world with love and appreciation is to start giving that to ourselves.  To start each day giving ourselves a little kindness, paying attention to the negative messages we send ourselves, and the times when we hammer ourselves.   Being open and honest about our fears/concerns/our muck rather then keeping it all trapped inside,  And at the same time, treating those around us with a little kindness,   Once we can start giving ourselves a little love we can share that kindness with others.  Together we can end the hunger for love and appreciation.

Living Happier Through Our Mistakes

Ah mistakes, we all make them.  We all hate that we make them.  There are very few people I know who relish in their mistakes and truly enjoy when they are wrong.  The thing is we all make mistakes, we all mess up we all make bad decisions and chose unwisely, that is human.  Our ego gets involved and tells us we are weak or less then when we make mistake.  I would argue that we are at our finest when we are making mistakes--because we are risking, trying, attempting something anything. The fear of making a mistake can paralyze us.  This fear can keep us trapped in an unsatisfying job, a hurtful relationship or a miserable situation.   I see it all the time in my office, people afraid that they will mess up or make a mistake and pick the wrong path so they do nothing.

However, life is best lived when we take action.  We are more likely to live happier when we change the areas of our lives that are making us miserable, whether that be to leave or stay and change our behaviors, change is necessary.  I believe, without risk there is no change; without change there is no growth and without growth happiness is limited.   That risk means the risk of being wrong, of making a mistake!  Oh the torment, to gain growth and happiness--we have to risk making a mistake.  As I tell myself and my clients almost daily--welcome to life!

When I look back on my life, on the relationships that were painful, or the jobs that were challenging I can see a lot of mistakes and because of those mistakes I am where I am today.  I am in a relationship that is honest and real and supportive.  I am in a job I love and enjoy.  I took a lot of twists and turns to get here, jumped off a lot of cliffs and came out of a few valleys but here I sit no worse for the wear, happy that I made all those unfortunate turns and mistakes.  And I know there will be many more in my future, many more risks and many more mistakes many more peaks and valleys.  That is life, that is the juciness that is life.  Life isn't about living mistake free, life is about experiencing as much as possible and being as true to ourselves as we can.

Often I will encourage clients to make a list of people around them whom they admire or think are happy.  Then I will ask them to go talk to these people and listen to their story.   When we listen to people's life stories they are are messy, filled with heartache and love, sweat and tears.  They have had moments of jumping off the cliff with no net and moments of sheer "why am I doing this now" thoughts, and yet here they are with amazing lives, amazing stories all because from time to time they made amazing mistakes.

Healthy Boundaries Help Us Live Happier

A friend of mine sends out motivational quotes of the day. A few days ago she sent out this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I love this quote.  It is always a good reminder for me.  This quote is really talking about having healthy boundaries.  About understanding what is our stuff and what is someone else's stuff.  Frequently we allow people to put their negativity, bad mood, or general unhappiness on to us.  We take responsibility for making them feel better, helping them understand, helping them be less miserable.  In the process of being a good samaritan, we often end up feeling inferior, insecure or down right miserable.

So often we get stuck, trying to make every one happy.  Trying to make sure no one is talking about us or that everyone thinks we are ok.  When in reality all that matters is that we are making choices that are honoring ourselves and those we love that are around us.  Frequently we spend so much time worrying about what other people think, and if we truly thought about it we don't even respect these 'other people'.  We allow them to make us feel 'less then', or inferior rather than honoring recognizing the wisdom of Eleanor Roosevelt that no one can make us feel inferior without our permission.

The key to not allowing people to 'bring us into their own muck' is to establish strong boundaries.  Healthy relationships involve two whole people.  I am an independent circle and you are an independent circle.  As we come together our circles might intersect but they still stay in tact, one circle does not engulf the other one.  Frequently in an attempt to get people to like us, not cause conflict or just because we were trained to be a 'good person', we allow people to cross our boundaries and invade both our physical and emotional space.  Thus we give them the power to make us feel inferior or less then.  When we have strong boundaries we don't 'take on' or become responsible for someone else's muck.  Even when those around us are struggling or having challenges, we can be there to support them, even carry their weight if necessary, but we don't lose our boundaries, ourselves.  We are still an whole intact person allowing another to lean on us for a time.  Ironically, the more fully formed our boundaries are the better support we can become to others.   If we set up healthy boundaries and listen to our own innate wisdom we will live happier.

Where do you get your energy?

This weekend I decided to take a last minute trip to Chicago.  My aunt and uncle live in Chicago and are two of my favorite people in the world!  The hub of their home in the summer is their giant front porch. Whether we are sipping our coffee in the morning and making up stories about the people who walk by or sipping our wine in the evening analyzing some in-depth psychological topic, it all takes place on the front porch.  What I love most about our conversations is that we inter-mix our chatting with reading or knitting.  You see, we are all introverts and we do a wonderful job of chatting and regrouping all at the same time.    

Most people think of introverts as people who are shy, quiet, reclusive and extroverts are the life of the part, outgoing, friendly, loving people.  However, according to Myers Briggs personality testing, the main difference between introvert and extroverts is where you prefer to focus your attention and get your energy.  Basically introverts get their energy from being in their inner world, being alone, having time with their thoughts and feelings, while extroverts get their energy from being with other people.  For example you go to a party and you talk to people and you leave feeling exhausted (you are an introvert) or you go to a party and you talk to a bunch of people and you leave feeling energized and wanting to go to the after party (you are an extrovert) .

I admit my life has become much more peaceful and happier once I realized the fact that I am an introvert.  I enjoy my alone time and need it at the end of the day.  It has also helped with my relationships knowing my loved ones might need time to regroup from a long day and it has nothing to do with me. Especially those of us who are introverts who can fake being extroverts.  Those of us who are social and interactive, who like attending parties and having intense conversations and then need time to reenergize and be alone.  We confuse the around us (especially the extroverts) who don't understand why we aren't energized and excited.  Frequently if I have had a quiet day at home writing and reading and my nearest and dearest has been at work talking and leading he needs time to regroup. He wants to sit quietly and zone out and I am already re-energized from my day of rest.  Knowing he is an introvert who needs to regroup and that it doesn't have anything to do with me, is helpful. To the same end it is helpful to understand the people in my life who need more 'people interaction' who are energized and fed by being around people and crave it more.  As we understand and embrace these differences we can all live happier.

So pay attention to where you get your energy.  When you leave a social interaction are you more or less energized?  What about your loved ones does being with people energize them or exhaust them?

Pick and Commit

Choice anxiety seems to be a theme in my world lately. Choosing between two options and figuring out which one would be the best to pick is always a challenge.  For some of us that challenge gets increased when we are constantly doubting our choices.  Did I make the right decision?  Did I pick correctly?  What if I had done ____?

For many of us, a simple place this choice anxiety reveals itself is around food.  You are in a restaurant and you are choosing between a burger which you are really craving and a healthy salad with fresh greens and other vegetables.  You decide (after much debate) to go for the burger.  However,  the whole time you are eating the burger you are wishing you had ordered the salad.  You are hammering yourself for not eating healthy, eating red meat, not eating your vegetables, etc.  Not only did you eat something that might have not been as nutritionally sound but you didn't even enjoy the fact that you really wanted it!!  You didn't just pick one and go with it.  Ideally you would debate which one you wanted, make your decision  and go with it.  No guilt, no what-ifs, no anxiety.  You would eat the burger and enjoy every juicy bite.  You would commit to the burger and be totally in the moment as you took each bite.  Now I am not saying that once you commit you can't be wrong.  You could really regret not getting the salad, and so next time you will know the salad is a better option.  The key is not to be beating the decision to death once it is already made.

So often when we have choice anxiety after we make our decisions we spend so much time obsessing over if it was the right decision or not we don't enjoy the option we picked.  This can leave us paralyzed and miserable.  Basically we begin to doubt our guts, our inner voice, our place of knowing.  I believe we KNOW if we want the burger or not, we are just so caught up in our heads hearing other people's words as to why we should or shouldn't eat a burger and that can leave us debilitated.

One of my favorite ways to get in touch with the gut again is the coin flip test.  I use this test frequently with clients.  A few years ago, a client was debating between taking a job out of state or staying in Ohio and going back to school.  We spent a few sessions going over the pros and cons and whenever I thought she had come to a choice she would return the following week more confused.  Finally,  I said we are going to make the choice today. Whatever this test decides is the answer.  She nodded her head emphatically.  So I told her the test was that I was going to flip a coin. She looked at me stunned.  The rules were that if it landed on she stayed in Ohio and if it landed on tails she moved, no exceptions. The coin was deciding and she had to commit. I flipped the coin and it landed on tails, and immediately, for a split second, her face fell.  I said,  congratulations you are moving!" She just smiled at me.  Then I said, "Do you want to go for the best 2 our of 3?" and she smiled and  said, "Actually, yes".  There was her answer, she didn't want to move she really wanted to stay here.  Her emotional, gut level response was disappointed by the idea of moving, her gut wanted her to stay here. You could see that a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.  She had made the decision and she felt good about it!

The key to making a decision is getting as clear as possible on what your emotional/gut level response is.  It is easy to get clouded in the shoulds and what if's, but we need to pick and commit. We need to enjoy the decision we have made and not obsess over it once we have committed to an option.  Even with the coin toss test we can make bad decisions the key is to learn from those decisions not hammer ourselves for making them!

The Power of Empathy.

Lately a theme for me in my life and in my practice has been empathy.  As I have said before, I think this world has lost it's ability to be empathetic, to be kind.  So often I have clients come in who are working on their relationships, usually their marriages.  The language that is used tends to revolve more around   punishment, accountability, paying the consequences, disappointment etc.  The words of love, compassion, vulnerability, empathy and trust don't even make the radar screen and when I suggest them it is as if I have 10 heads. Now I realize many of these people have been in marriages that have been full of disappointment, mistrust, anger and hurt.  The first step is beginning to repair that damage.  But as the old saying goes 'if you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got'.  Meaning the pattern has to change, the cycle of pain, hurt, disappointment, punishment, apathy has to change, someone has to step up.  That is the challenge, because that step up requires a risk of pain and hurt.  So many couples choose to stay in apathy mode, a mode of self protection and justification.

In true confession I struggle with this theme in my own life, I don't want to be taken advantage of, I don't want to over give or be seen as a fool.  But I do want to be someone who loves those in my life with an open heart.  Someone who accepts them for who they are and recognizes their limitations and struggles and tries to meet them half way.  It is a fine line, a muddled and icky line. For most of my teens and twenties I aired on the side of giving too much and was often taken advantage of.  My friends and I will retell the stories of the men and the stuff we put up with because we were too young and didn't know better.  And in reaction to that pain I bounced back the other way--I steeled myself against giving too much and set out looking for the perfect person who wouldn't hurt me, who wouldn't take advantage, who would always put me first and be there.  I was saddened to discover,  that person doesn't exist.

In reality, relationships are messy.  We are dealing with another human being here who has baggage, fears, insecurities, emotional issues etc.  I know I am not perfect by any means why would I expect my nearest and dearest to get it right every time.  The one thing I know for sure is how I see the world, my perception, vision, rules of living are totally different then how others see the world.  If I could give people (including myself) one gift it would be a reminder that not everyone sees the world like you do.  We sometimes need to step out of our view, take off our glasses and walk over to see how our partner is looking at the world.  We need to have some curiosity about how our partners, and friends interact and view the world.  Rather then shaming them, or punishing them for not seeing the world the way we do we need to embrace them for the fact they can expand our vision and show us a different world.  I am constantly amazed how differently my nearest and dearest views the world from me.  I admit my first response can be frustration or anger when he does something or responds in a way I wouldn't.  It is when I can pause and have some curiosity about this perspective that the anger dissipates and the compassion steps in.  That is how we build the bond of intimacy and caring.

Today notice when you go into self protect mode, when you step up in judgment or anger.  Then gradually begin to have some curiosity and empathy for the other person's perspective.