The No Judgment Experiment

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine was telling me about a guy where he works who had told him that he had recently started trying to live his life being without judgement of himself or other people and that he felt  much happier.  So my friend said to me "hey maybe that is a blog post idea, live happier by being non-judgmental" (side note: since writing this blog you would be amazed how often "hey that would make a great blog post" comes up in daily conversation). Although the concept that non judgment is a key to living happier isn't a new one, it wasn't one I had actively engaged in--in my own life.  As a  therapist and teacher, I pride myself on being pretty non-judgmental, pretty open to people and their lives/life choices.  But I know I have a tendency to be pretty judgmental on myself and so I wanted to try the experiment and see how it felt.

So  decided the next day I would start trying to live a life of being non-judgmental and then blog about how I felt.   As I said at the beginning, this whole concept came to my thought process a couple of weeks ago.  Since that time I have tried to make it through ONE day with the consistent, conscious thought of being non-judgmental, unsuccessfully.  Finally, I decided that it was too much to go with the goal of being non-judgmental.  First (as I always say) you have to start with awareness so Monday I decided to just be aware and notice when I am judgmental and what I am judgmental about.  The theory being if I can figure out what I am judgmental about I can bring more awareness to those areas and eliminate them.  But my findings were very interesting.

This is what I learned in my two- day experiment:

• I tend to be most judgmental of myself (not surprising).
• To that same end, many of my judgments about other people come from some place of insecurity about myself.  I see someone who has a nice body or looks especially cute and I make some judgment about her intelligence to make myself feel better that I don't have that body.  
• Much to my dismay, I tend to be more judgmental when I am around certain people--so if someone around me is judgmental and I don't know them well or am not particularly comfortable with them I tend to just go along rather than stop the judgment.

I admit part of the reason I didn't want to write this blog post is because I didn't want to admit I am judgmental and I do judge myself and others more than I thought.  But what I found most enlightening about this experiment (which I hope to continue and falls nicely in my year of love theme) is that judgment is directly correlated with my level of insecurity.  I am very live and let live about people and their life choices.  However, the areas I am personally insecure about are the areas I tend to be most judgmental about in myself and other people.  Therefore-if we can start eliminating the insecurities/judgments it stands to reason we would live happier because we would be less insecure, less worried about the outside world, more grounded etc.  Now I don't know if the goal of completely eliminating insecurities and therefore judgments is a realistic one--but it is totally worth a shot to decrease them.

So today I challenge you to your own Non-Judgment experiment.  Just for the day notice when you are judgmental.  What are you most judgmental about both in yourself and in others? What are the themes that emerge?  Remember the key is to be non-judgmental about your tendency to be judgmental (as hard as that is).

I would love to hear from you about your experience--were you surprised at your judgments?  Did you find similar findings that your judgments=your insecurities?

I will keep you posted on my non-judgment experiment as the year goes on.

What If I am wrong?

I have noticed the theme lately in my clients that they are paralyzed by self doubt and fears. The questions they ask are different--is this the right job for me? --should I stay in this relationship? ---should I take the job out of state? Basically all their questions come down to the fear of what if I am wrong? What if I make the wrong choice and I look like an idiot or what if I end up in pain because I made the wrong choice?

Anytime we are asking 'what if' we tend to get into trouble because the source of what if is the longing for control. Unfortunately there is no such thing as control in this world. We are at the whim of our decisions or the whim of the gods--whatever you believe. But regardless we have no control. How frustrating is that?!?! No control?!! Unfortunately, there is no way to look into the future and have a guarantee that our decision is a good one and that we won't be wrong. We can ask ourselves 'what if' until the end of time and we still won't know. We simply have to use all our best resources, get all the facts, follow our guts and make the leap.

Some of the best decisions I have made have been perceived as 'wrong'. Because they didn't work out the way I thought they would or because I did end up experiencing heart ache. However, they were good decisions because they have allowed me to learn more about myself--see the world in a new way and get to the juicy marrow of the life. So my argument to what if I am wrong? is so what? If you aren't making decisions you aren't living your life--you are paralyzed by indecision--paralyzed by fear--sometimes you just have to make the leap.

Do you have something you are debating in your life? Something you really want to do but are afraid to make a commitment? Make the leap and recognize there is no wrong--there is just life.

The Other

While traveling in South Africa--we learned about the history and present day effects of apartheid.  Throughout our trip we had the chance to hear the story and philosophy of apartheid-how it began and why it persisted for decades.  As many of you know, I am fascinated by story and the story of apartheid is a complex story full of victims and heroes on both sides. 

What struck me most about the stories was how easy it is turn people into the 'other'.  Once we 'otherize' a person it is far easier to hurt them and ridicule them. Even hearing the story of apartheid it was my temptation to turn the people that started the system into criminals--then I realized they had a story too.  Yes, what that group (the Afrikaners) did was atrocious and hate-filled yet they had a story behind why they did it--they felt like victims in their own right--they felt like it was "God's will" for them to be superior.  I am in NO WAY approving, or justifying what that group did but I do think it is important to understand WHY they did what they did so we can prevent it in the future. 

On a smaller level, in our every day lives we 'otherize' all the time--with someone we have a conflict with, someone who is different from us or has a different view point from us.  We hear a story and we make a judgment.  If we the goal is to be intentional in our lives than we have to be aware of the temptation to 'otherize'-- to view people with curiosity and validation.  Yes there is evil in the world but there is also a story behind that evil. A reason behind why someone feels justified to say or do something cruel or hateful.  It is my intention rather than to jump into judgment and label someone to 'view their humanity' and have curiosity around their actions or viewpoint.  To understand where they are coming from rather than immediately thinking they are wrong.  

Peace building starts with validating the humanity of the other person.  Such a sweet statement--validating your humanity.  So in small ways we can start doing that--first with ourselves and then with the people we see in a day--the guy who cuts us off in traffic, the sales clerk who is a little rude, the co-worker who annoys us--instead of 'otherizing' and sitting in judgement them think of their humanity!---Maybe the guy just heard his wife was in the hospital, or maybe the clerk has just worked a 15 hour day, and your co-worker was up all night with a crying baby.  Have some curiosity around their humanity ---Ok so at least honk your horn and THEN think of his humanity :)