Taking Care of the Little One

In the self help world a lot is written about 'healing the inner child'. The basic theory being that we all have a little boy/girl inside of us who occasionally comes out even when we are adults. The self help world has taken the theory and run with it in a negative light. Rather than being an interesting theory that we can use to grow and change, it has become a method to explain away negative behavior and turned in to a hokey self help concept.  (ok, now stepping down from my soap box)

I am a fan of the basic concept of the inner child.  I do believe that my Little One comes out from time to time, she gets scared and insecure and even throws temper tantrums.  Frequently, this Little One comes out to 'play' when we are triggered by something, a scary event, a family gathering, a death or something that takes us back to our early years. When I notice that I am being overly insecure or scared about an event I will simply put my hands over my heart and say to my Little One 'you know what?  I got this'.  'You don't need to worry about it I am an adult and I can handle this one. Immediately it feels as if I have taken a giant sigh of relief.  It is a good exercise because A. It brings awareness around the fear B. it reminds me that 'hey I am an adult here and I CAN handle this situation C. it quiets the inner insecurities.

Last year, I was working with Jill* who was going through a divorce.  After 20 years of marriage her husband decided he was done and had found someone else. Jill was left with 3 children and no idea who she was or what came next.  Jill and I did a lot of work helping her figure out what she needed and who she was.  As Jill was going through all these changes and making a lot of decisions she never had to make before, her Little One would come out frequently.  She started paying attention to her Little One, noticing when she would come out (usually after a conversation with her ex or when she had to take charge of a situation).  Gradually she started talking to her Little One in a gentle way and as Jill developed her own confidence in her decisions and skills her Little One became less and less powerful.  Jill said to me "I think I have been living most of my life letting Little Jill make the decisions from a place of an 8 year old rather than Adult Jill"  I agreed with her and I think many of us let our Little One (our insecurities, our fears, our anger) control our lives.

The next time you start feeling scared or insecure do a check in with yourself--has your Little One come out to play? Are you viewing the world from the eyes of a 6 year old?  And if the answer is yes, place your hands on your heart and gradually start talking to your Little One--and assuring them all is well---you got this--you are a grown up.   Our Little Ones are there for a reason to help us see that life is scary and we do have insecurities. And it is our role as adults to comfort the Little One and then move through the fear so we can Live Happier.

*names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality

The Question Isn't What's Next--It's How Do I Get There.

The rest of this week I am heading off with my nearest and dearest for a short vacation.  So I have reached back into the archives to share some of my oldies but goodies while I am gone! Enjoy!! This was originally posted in April 2010.

Frequently, I have clients who come to see me in the middle of a life transition. They have a number of decisions to make and don't know how to chose. Recently I had a client, Tess*, who was debating what she wanted to do next in her career. She had gone to college then to law school and had worked her way up in a law firm. She was making good money, working long hours and only somewhat enjoyed job. So she came in to see me wondering what's next.

Most people in transition, especially career transition, want a magical answer to come externally--they want a test or a therapist to tell them what they SHOULD be doing next. Usually this is because they have been so beaten down or discouraged by the decisions they have made so far they don't trust themselves. Ironically, as with Tess, the decisions they have made to this point have been made because of external influences--maybe she took a career test in college or a professor said she would make a great lawyer. The one thing she hadn't done was listen to herself. So in one of our first sessions she came in feeling very anxious and was spinning about what to do next and I just asked her "what do you want to do?" and she just looked at me, her face lit up and said "I want to work with children who have been abused". And I said "Ok, let's work on that" and she looked at me startled.

It is my theory that it isn't that we don' t know what to do next it is that we are scared to say it out loud. In the quiet moments, we can hear our intuitive selves tell us what we want to do but we are scared of admitting it, of failure, of being laughed at, of a million other things. However, we waste A LOT of time spinning on the WHAT rather then facing the fear and moving to the HOW.

So Tess and I began working on the HOW--we started small with just getting her comfortable with the dream--talking about it in session and then talking about it with some safe friends and then slowly exploring how she could accomplish the dream. It was a process, but now Tess is working in a job she loves and is living happier.

We spend a lot of time in the 'what's next' place because it is safe to stay there, it doesn't require anything but a mental debate. I believe we intuitively know what's next we are just scared to face it. We need to slowly start engaging with ourselves, facing the fear (either with friends, family or a therapist) and using baby steps move towards the how.

My question to you: Where in your life do you getting stuck spinning on the "what's next?" rather than slowly facing the fear of "how do I get there?"

*Name and details have been changed to maintain confidentiality

What If I am wrong?

I have noticed the theme lately in my clients that they are paralyzed by self doubt and fears. The questions they ask are different--is this the right job for me? --should I stay in this relationship? ---should I take the job out of state? Basically all their questions come down to the fear of what if I am wrong? What if I make the wrong choice and I look like an idiot or what if I end up in pain because I made the wrong choice?

Anytime we are asking 'what if' we tend to get into trouble because the source of what if is the longing for control. Unfortunately there is no such thing as control in this world. We are at the whim of our decisions or the whim of the gods--whatever you believe. But regardless we have no control. How frustrating is that?!?! No control?!! Unfortunately, there is no way to look into the future and have a guarantee that our decision is a good one and that we won't be wrong. We can ask ourselves 'what if' until the end of time and we still won't know. We simply have to use all our best resources, get all the facts, follow our guts and make the leap.

Some of the best decisions I have made have been perceived as 'wrong'. Because they didn't work out the way I thought they would or because I did end up experiencing heart ache. However, they were good decisions because they have allowed me to learn more about myself--see the world in a new way and get to the juicy marrow of the life. So my argument to what if I am wrong? is so what? If you aren't making decisions you aren't living your life--you are paralyzed by indecision--paralyzed by fear--sometimes you just have to make the leap.

Do you have something you are debating in your life? Something you really want to do but are afraid to make a commitment? Make the leap and recognize there is no wrong--there is just life.