Significant Relationships: It's Not All About You.

Today, I just received the latest issues of Psychology Today which has a wonderful article called "The Love Fix--Get Beyond Your Expectations". This article compiles research from the past few years on marriage/significant relationships.  One of the main points of the article (and there are many) is that in relationships we expect perfection.  We expect the ONE person we have chosen to be married to or commit to, to be perfect, to fulfill our every need and desire.  By expecting perfection we don't allow for our partner's imperfections and tend to overly dramatize our partners humanity into tragedy.  For example, the fact that our partner might not like PDA (public displays of affection) becomes all about us and the fact that they don't really love us or they would show it in public.  When really, PDA makes them uncomfortable and it has nothing to do with us.

I have talked about this before in two posts about Loving them Anyway-Part One and Part Two. But this article gave me a new perspective on the topic.  In summary, it stated to have the right partner you have to BE the right partner--so yes some of relationship is about picking the right person for you but almost larger than that is being the right partner within the relationship.  So showing up, holding the space, being present and recognizing that it's not all about you.

As we walk through the world,  most of us (me included, I have to confess) are pretty self absorbed we think most activities and interactions that happen around us are about us or a reflection of us.  When in reality most of the time people aren't thinking about us.  Which as a side note, is why the find 3 reasons rule is so life changing!

But I think in relationship it is healthy and important when our partner engages in an activity that is annoying or responds in a way not to our liking to remind ourselves it might not be about me.  Like the PDA example above.  Or on an even simpler level, a client of mine was telling me the story of her husband.  Every morning he gets out of the shower and doesn't dry off and gets the shower mat sopping wet.  When she gets out of the shower she doesn't have a dry place to stand.  To her this was a totally obvious consideration and the fact that he wasn't engaging in a 'common nicety' showed that he didn't really care for her.  She would start her day in a huff each time she stepped on the soppy mat because she personalized his mistake.  Eventually she checked it out with him and shared with him how much she hated stepping on the wet mat--he responded back that he never thought of it as a nicety and in the morning was only thinking about getting out of the shower and dressed as fast as possible so drying off in the shower never even dawned on him.  As my client shared this story she said she couldn't believe how much time she wasted thinking it was all about her--when in reality it had NOTHING to do with her.  She told me recently that on occasion he still gets the map sopping wet--but it is her reaction that is different and it has become a source of humor for them rather than a trigger of hurt.  That is the key--forgiveness.  Yes, kudos to her for stating the need.  More kudos to both of them for recognizing that the need might not always get met and they can still build each other up in the process.  I admit that it is a simple example, but those silent misunderstandings and internalizations happen all the time, because we assume it is all about us.

According to the Psychology Today, article--the key to a happy relationship is to be engaged in a partnership where both people are trying to build the other up as much as possible. So that you are working together to build and bring out each others dreams/goals/positive qualities.  That would be a powerful goal for any relationship but most especially our intimate ones.  If we took a deep breathe and walked into the relationship with the attitude of how can I help you be the best you possible rather than how can I get my needs met, we would all be happier.

So starting today try these 2 new ideas on for size:
One:  Remind yourself it's not all about you. Recognizing that your partners idiosyncrasies or habits might not be because they are trying to bother you or hurt you. They might just be because they don't know better or they are being genuinely themselves.  So rather than internalize their behavior--check it out and apply some genuine understanding and forgiveness.

Two:  Look at your partner and ask yourself how can my response help them achieve THEIR goals/their aspirations (not mine for them)?  How can my response/action/reaction help them become the best person they can become?

What are your thoughts? What do you think are the keys to a lasting relationship?

What Keeps You from Celebrating Your Joy?

This week has been a really good week.  In all honesty, it has been one of the best weeks I have had in a while.   For a variety of reasons, I have just had a lot of positive things happen, some of it is the fruit of a lot of work and some of it is luck or the universe or something like that.  Plus in 3 days I leave with my nearest and dearest to sunny Costa Rica for 7 days!  Considering we have 2 feet of snow on the ground and are now in our 3rd week of temps under 32 this is a blessed event!  So in summary:  a really good week.

You would think I have been leaping from the ceiling, dancing a jig, smiling from ear to ear all week.  But no, I have been spending much of the week vacillating between holding myself back from celebrating and reminding myself how important it is to celebrate.  I realized that I am struggling to celebrate the joy of the week. As much as  I hate to admit it I also realized in some ways I am almost more comfortable when things aren't going so well.  When I have something to strive for or work towards, when I am in struggle.  How crazy is that?!!?

So I started throwing the question out to friends/acquaintances this week how do you celebrate your joy? What do you do when things are going well?  This question has led to some interesting discussions and exposed some fascinating beliefs about celebrating happiness.  I realized, I am not alone in my struggle to celebrate my joy.  If my life mission is to help people live happier, then we need to have the ability to recognize and celebrate when we are in fact happy!!!!

Below are the major beliefs people have around celebrating when things go well.

Our Happiness Days are Limited Belief:  If we celebrate that things are going well they will immediately stop going well.  It is as if the universe is watching us and if he/she knows that we are happy he/she will immediately take it away.  Or another popular theory, we only have a finite number of days we can truly be happy so you don't want to waste those days on minor celebrations.

Our Happiness Might Make Others Feel Bad Belief:  The second most popular belief revolves around humility.  If we celebrate our happiness and joy we basically make other feel like crap and that just isn't nice.  So if our life is going particularly well we need to not celebrate it for fear that we will make other people feel less good about their own lives.

You'll Eventually Get Smacked Down Again Belief:   And finally: you shouldn't celebrate happiness because life always brings you back to reality. Eventually something bad will happen (e.g. I will return to the cold and snow after my vacation) so you might as well just keep yourself on the flat even road of life rather than ride the roller coasters of ups and downs

As I talked with people about these beliefs and even as I write them now I am amazed at the craziness of them--seriously, a limited number of days?  But I admit, crazy or not  I have internalized these beliefs too. So I am going to debunk them as best I can.

Our Happiness Days are Limited Belief:  The universe is not out to get us.  This belief's foundation comes from the idea that we are alloted a certain number of days to be happy--that true growth comes from suffering.  While I believe we learn from suffering we also learn from joy.  We learn from happiness and celebration!  The universe has better things to do then keep us in check on our joy levels, in fact I believe the universe would be better off if there were more joyful celebrations out there.

Our Happiness Might Make Others Feel Bad Belief: This belief is a solid one for me, I struggle with celebrating too much because it might make others feel bad.  But in reality my happiness and their happiness are not linked at all.  When someone close to me is having a really good day or gets to do something really fun, I don't feel bad, in fact I feel happier because they are happier.  If I do get jealous or envious, that is about me and my need to take a trip of live a dream not because THEY are too happy.  I am not responsible for someone else's happiness.

You'll Eventually Get Smacked Down Again Belief: As I always say living happier is about experience a wide range of emotions, it is about feeling the joy and the celebration and about experiencing the grief and sadness.  Life is a roller coaster and which means it is an exhilarating, exhausting, scary, fun, thrilling, nauseating ride.  It is a ride.  So yes, I might be experiencing pain in the upcoming months so why does it follow that I shouldn't experience joy.  In reality, preventing myself from feeling joy doesn't make the pain any less painful--it just means I didn't get the thrill of experiencing my joy.

So there you have it--my 'what keeps you from celebrating your joy' social experiment.  Now I am going to throw the question out to you--do you struggle to celebrate your joy?  What are your beliefs around this concept?

What Makes Us Happy? Interview with Dr. George Vaillant

Today I am trying something new--in lieu of my usual Live Happier ramblings--I am posting a video.  This video is an interview with a researcher Dr. George Vaillant, who followed 268 men for 72 years, from the time they entered Harvard in the late 1930s until now.  Here is what he learned from those men:

The article What Makes Us Happy? appeared in the Atlantic June 2009. 
 FYI my new favorite quote: " Happiness is love. Full Stop." --Dr. George Vaillant

What are some of your favorite quotes--related to Happiness or not?

Self Imposed Cages

One of my favorite books is called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.   In her book, she tells the story of Mohini a white tiger who lived at the Washington DC National Zoo.  For years, Mohini had a tiny little cell that he lived in.  Because it was so small--Mohini would just pace back and forth in his cell.  He would spend his days walking the same path, back and forth, back and forth, until it was a well worn path.  Finally, the zoo raised enough money and they were able to build a beautiful natural habitat for him with lots of grass and trees. There was a big opening and they let Mohini in to the new habitat and he immediately went to a far corner and started pacing back and forth back and forth. He did not explore his new surroundings or even look around he just found a spot and began pacing.

The first time I heard this story, I was listening to Tara speak at a conference. I was just blown away by the story. Stories do the best job of just shaking our core.  It was a wow moment for me, because I can remember where I was sitting, my reaction and how it felt to hear that story.   I realized that in my own life and in my clients lives we frequently keep ourselves in a cage unnecessarily.  We feel locked into something, we feel stuck, but the cage is imaginary.  If we would only look up and look around we could see the possibilities.  We would realize the cage is made up of our own limiting beliefs and negative self talk our own shoulds, and what-ifs.  The cage isn't real.

It some ways it is safe to live in a self imposed cage.  The cage gives us a place to put the blame and keeps us safe.  It prevents us from really having to take a risk, or to face our fears and our inner critic.     Unfortunately the pain comes in when we realize we have lived a life stuck on a path that we didn't really want, that we didn't really chose.  All we have to do is lift our heads up, look around and say to ourselves--do I like my path, is this where I want to be?  And if not--what is one change I can make? What is one little step I can take that will pull me off the path for a little while?  Do I want to take a class, get a massage, go dancing with my friends, take a trip, write a book, paint a picture? The possibilities are endless.

By the time Mohini made it to the larger more expansive habitat he was already beaten down enough to not even bother to look up and see the possibilities.  In order to prevent that in our own lives--we have to pay attention to our daily lives, and see where we might want to add some spice or make some changes.  We have to continually check our limiting beliefs, negative self talk and see if it is keeping us in a self imposed cage.  Living Happier is about exploring both our internal and external worlds to make sure we are living our lives to the fullest and not just stuck in a cage of our own making.

It's a big, vast, wonderful world. Go Exploring and Live Happier.

Living with Passion: Somedays

Tomorrow I am teaching a workshop entitled Living Your Passion it is the second seminar in my 3 week series on Living Happier.  So today I thought I would give you a taste of what we will be discussing at that seminar.  Join me tomorrow for a deeper look at living passionately.


One of the keys for living a life of passion is to look at your 'Somedays'.  Somedays are the daydreams you have when you are sitting in a meeting that has gone on too long or you are on a vacation and have the freedom to "dream big". Examples could be backpacking around Europe,  living on a desert island, owning a bed and breakfast, having 5 kids etc.  If it is a Someday, then we don't REALLY have to do it there is no real accountability so it allows us to just let our hearts wander. When we talk about Someday it is safe and it gives us room to dream.


These Somedays hold clues to our passion to what our soul desires.  For example if we say travel to Europe what is intriguing about that—having time to lounge, having adventure, seeing the history of Europe, the romance?  Looking deeper at our dreams for Someday gives us clues to a deeper passion that we can add to our lives now.   Maybe your Someday is living on a deserted island.  Ask yourself: What is intriguing about that? Maybe being alone (if we are surrounded by demands, or people all day) or being in the sun and warmth, or having no responsibilities.  So maybe in the present you can add more ‘time alone’, or plan a warm vacation or give yourself a day of freedom with 'no shoulds', no to-do list just a day of flow.  


A client of mine completed this exercise and after looking deeply at her Somedays she realized that they all had the theme of being alone, having no responsibilities.  She realized that she was bogged down by responsibilities and was always with people.  What her heart was telling her through the Somedays exercise was that she needed a break alone with no responsibilities.  She couldn't run away from home to backpack around Europe (which was the actual Someday) so she decided to implement 2 hours every weekend that was her time to do whatever she wanted.  Her husband had the kids and she was able to play.  Eventually she began adding more time throughout the week that was just hers and she began to feel more passionately about her life. 


So write down your Somedays and then dig down for the real need for which your heart is asking.  Why do I want to do this?  What about this Someday is appealing? Then start brainstorming how you can add the real need to your every day life while still planning for the Someday!!!


If you want more information about Somedays or other exercises on figuring out your passion and living a passionate life join me tomorrow night at Lifetime Fitness at Easton for a seminar on Living with Passion.  So come to Easton, do some shopping, get some dinner and join me!  For more information check out my website.  Looking forward to seeing you!

Life Lessons: the Spiral Up Effect

Life lessons are such a blessing and such a challenge. Sometimes the lesson is simple and sometimes it takes us years to master it. The one thing about life lessons we keep learning more and more until we have them mastered. I love the concept that I call spiraling up.  Spiraling up means we might come back to the lesson and it might FEEL like we are re-learning the same lesson but really we are experiencing it at a new level with a new insight, a new situation, a new challenge.  And then when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.

A client of mine came into see me after her divorce.  She was run down and depleted. In her marriage, she had completely lost herself and had no sense of self and now post marriage she wanted to makes some changes.  We worked together on figuring out what mattered to her, setting boundaries, saying no and developing a strong sense of who she was. She in essence started learning the life lesson: In order to take care of yourself you need to set firm boundaries.   Then she entered a new relationship, and this was a new test.  She had figured out how to set boundaries with friends/acquaintances but this was the next level: a significant relationship.  A few months in to the relationship she came back to see me.  She was very frustrated with herself because she was really struggling with telling him no, not losing herself, keeping her own life, setting boundaries etc.  She said "I thought I had this lesson and now I am re-learning EVERYTHING" and then I reminded her no you are just spiraling up--hitting the lesson at the next level.  Now you have all that you learned before and you are learning how to implement it at THIS level it is a whole new place.  You aren't re-learning you are learning more.  With this new perspective she was able to relax a bit and remember that she knew how to set boundaries, she knew who she was and she wasn't the same woman who had married her first husband.  She just needed to apply that knowledge to this new relationship.  With a little work I am pleased to report it worked!

When you think about life lessons as spiraling up it gives a new perspective.  While we do repeat  lessons, we don't unlearn all we have implemented before.  We repeat the lesson one step up with new perspective, new challenges and new information that we didn't have the last time the lesson came into our lives.  So the next time you have a sense of deja vu when it comes to a life lesson remind yourself you are just spiraling up.

Shutting off the Negative Voice

Last night I was having dinner with one of my best friends and we were doing the usual processing/venting/ sharing of our lives.  We hadn't had time to get together for awhile so there was MUCH to catch up on.  As we were talking, a common theme developed which was the way we talk to ourselves.  As my friend said isn't it amazing I would never talk to you that way yet I talk to myself like that all the time.  And I immediately thought (as I have a tendency to do these days) that would be a great blog post!

It is true--that little tiny voice in the back of our heads comes out and can just hammer us "you aren't good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, caring enough, tough enough, organized enough on and on and on".  And if we aren't aware of it that voice can quietly mutter all day long how terrible, weak, and pathetic we are until the mutter becomes like a megaphone and we just believe everything it says.  We would NEVER talk to our friends or our loved ones that way yet frequently we allow it to just hang out in our brain beating us down.

Fortunately my voice over the years has gotten quieter.  I can remember there was a time when I would feel like I was living with camera's in my house--everything was up for criticism: how late I slept, how clean my house was, how I chose to spend my time, how I looked, what I wore, who I talked to etc. I have become more aware of her (my voice is a her) and try to catch her before she gains too much influence.   However in the interest of full disclosure, this week my little voice has been out in full force just hammering away.  I heard her  talking earlier in the week and tried to shut her down but I didn't really focus on her until last night at dinner.  As I was expressing how I felt and what I was thinking my friend was able to say "whoa what's up with that negativity?" and I realized WOW--that little voice has gained some serious momentum.  What had started as maybe a 'helpful' hint or two had ended up being a full blown attack on my self esteem.

There are 1000 theories as to why we have that voice, some say it is our ego, or fear, or just a negative voice.  I am not here to debate why it is here I am here to decrease some of her power.  So as with anything (you might get sick of me saying it--but it is SO true) it starts with awareness.  We have to be aware of that little voice and the fact that she is talking smack. At first we might not notice her until we are talking to someone and we start using her language or maybe we notice how we physically feel.  I usually notice her because I feel more on edge I am more snappish with my friends/significant others because I feel defensive and hostile.  I notice I am more insecure, more scared, more grouchy.  For you those feelings might be different--the key is to figure out what they are.  When your voice is talking to you do you get sad?  scared? angry? feel tension in your neck? your stomach?  All those things will help you bring awareness to her.  Once you know she is there you can call her out. I just speak right to her and let her know I am done listening and for a time she quiets down.

Sometimes your awareness comes later--like me this week--she had been going all week long and I had just let her run amuck.  So today I decided I need to take some action.  I sat down and I wrote two lists:  one all the things in my life I am grateful for and two all the things I love about myself and my life.  WOW--what a fabulous list--fortunately it was long and lovely.  I just sat there reading in all the wonderful things I have in my life and I immediately felt better and the monster that had been pecking at me all week lost her power.

My challenge to you is start noticing that voice.  Unfortunately we can't get rid of the voice forever, it comes back from time to time so you have to be vigilant.  Pay attention to how you feel when you hear her/him.  Pay attention to when he/she occurs. Don't let her/him run around in your head unchecked.  Call her out.  Sit her down and show her who's in charge here.  It will help you Live Happier.

Are Women Less Happy?

Because my primary focus as a counselor is on happiness and women I have been intrigued by a recent study that was published earlier this year about those 2 topics. According to research done by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers--women's happiness has decreased.  Since 1972, each year, scientists have asked men and women to rank their happiness on a scale from 1 to 3 (3 being happiest).  This research shows that over the past 37 years women have decreased in happiness while men have increased.  Needless to say this has sparked a fire storm of debate.  At the Huffington Post there has been two recent articles on the subject which I have found particularly interesting one from a male perspective discussing the findings and one from a female perspective countering the findings.   As with any research, there is always room for arguments:  women are more intouch with their feelings therefore they answer more honestly then men, women in the 70s had simpler lives therefore they were happier (before you fire off comments at me--I have taken these arguments from the above mentioned articles)

The interesting thing to me is what all these articles have sparked, what thousands of books have been written about and what I continually discuss in my practice and with my friends is:  What does it mean to be HAPPY?  Is happy something that one we find we never lose?  Is happy something we can rate across the board or does it depend on the day/week/hour?

In my practice I talk about Live Happier--not FINDING your happiness, not BE happy.  I believe living happier is a balance between gratitude for what we have in the present and a purpose/passion for our future.   Living Happier is about striving for that balance on a daily basis. Unfortunately in my experience many of the women I see have lost that balance--they are doing too much for other people and have lost the ability to do for themselves.  I am not saying that wasn't true in the 70s but in my experience with female clients they are doing for others at work AND at home and they have lost sight of their purpose/passion.  They are pulled in a thousand directions and have lost the ability to see themselves and what might on a day to day basis make them happier.

I am not saying women have it harder then men or arguing the validity of this research.  However, what this research and the subsequent debate has made me realize--that as a population of people (men and women) we need to be working together and making living happier a priority so that next year when this survey is complete BOTH men and women are Living Happier.

What do you think?? Are Women Less Happy?

Live Happier Tip: Name Your Values

This weekend a friend of mine and I were watching the movie City Slickers.  In the movie Billy Crystal and his friends have gone on a vacation to a ranch to drive cattle.  While there he meets an old cowboy named Curly (Jack Palance).  My favorite scene in the movie is when Billy and Jack are talking about the meaning of life.  Jack says 'you know what the secret to life is?" and he holds up his finger.  Billy says "your finger" and Jack says "no one thing, once you figure that out nothing else matters (he said it a little more cowboyesque so I edited it)  Billy says "what's the one thing and Jack says "thats what you have to figure out".

I remember seeing that clip in the theater and thinking ONE THING?!?!  That is just too hard to come up with one thing!   It is my belief that we need to figure out what our thing is whether that be one thing or five things.  I do believe we need to put a limit on it at some point just for the sake of focus.  Once we figure out our top five things than we can direct our lives and our life decisions around those five things.

For me the easiest way to do this is to look at our top five values. When we are aware of our values then we have a core place to work from, when we are making life choices.

Here are a few examples:

Let's say you value family and that is in your top 5 values then you will make decisions that allow you to support/spend more time with your family.  If you value social change you will make every day choices that inspire social change, through the clothes you wear the, the websites you go to the products you use etc.  If you value creativity than you probably engage in activities that feed your artistic side whether that be drawing, painting, idea developing or writing.

The glitch comes when we value something but we aren't making choices around it.  For example, you value family but you are working all the time so you miss important family events. Or you value creativity but you never give yourself time to be engage in artistic activities.

I believe--like Curly did in the movie City Slickers--when we come up with our one thing (or 5) it makes it easier to focus on what's important in our lives.   Therefore the small every day choices or the big life decisions become easier because we can always go back to the question what do I value?  When we are living from our values--we are living happier.

For a list of values check out my website, click here.

I will be presenting more on this topic during my Live Happier series this fall. Check out my website for more information.

The Question Isn't What's Next--It's How Do I Get There.

The rest of this week I am heading off with my nearest and dearest for a short vacation.  So I have reached back into the archives to share some of my oldies but goodies while I am gone! Enjoy!! This was originally posted in April 2010.

Frequently, I have clients who come to see me in the middle of a life transition. They have a number of decisions to make and don't know how to chose. Recently I had a client, Tess*, who was debating what she wanted to do next in her career. She had gone to college then to law school and had worked her way up in a law firm. She was making good money, working long hours and only somewhat enjoyed job. So she came in to see me wondering what's next.

Most people in transition, especially career transition, want a magical answer to come externally--they want a test or a therapist to tell them what they SHOULD be doing next. Usually this is because they have been so beaten down or discouraged by the decisions they have made so far they don't trust themselves. Ironically, as with Tess, the decisions they have made to this point have been made because of external influences--maybe she took a career test in college or a professor said she would make a great lawyer. The one thing she hadn't done was listen to herself. So in one of our first sessions she came in feeling very anxious and was spinning about what to do next and I just asked her "what do you want to do?" and she just looked at me, her face lit up and said "I want to work with children who have been abused". And I said "Ok, let's work on that" and she looked at me startled.

It is my theory that it isn't that we don' t know what to do next it is that we are scared to say it out loud. In the quiet moments, we can hear our intuitive selves tell us what we want to do but we are scared of admitting it, of failure, of being laughed at, of a million other things. However, we waste A LOT of time spinning on the WHAT rather then facing the fear and moving to the HOW.

So Tess and I began working on the HOW--we started small with just getting her comfortable with the dream--talking about it in session and then talking about it with some safe friends and then slowly exploring how she could accomplish the dream. It was a process, but now Tess is working in a job she loves and is living happier.

We spend a lot of time in the 'what's next' place because it is safe to stay there, it doesn't require anything but a mental debate. I believe we intuitively know what's next we are just scared to face it. We need to slowly start engaging with ourselves, facing the fear (either with friends, family or a therapist) and using baby steps move towards the how.

My question to you: Where in your life do you getting stuck spinning on the "what's next?" rather than slowly facing the fear of "how do I get there?"

*Name and details have been changed to maintain confidentiality

Good News: Happiness Increases with Age

During one of my many internet searches this week, I stumbled upon this interesting article about happiness: Happiness Keeps Growing.

There were 3 main tidbits that hit me while reading this article.

One: Research shows that older folks are happier because they simple don't put up with as much negative stuff as the rest of us. Whether because of wisdom of age, or lack of time and a focus on priorities--this group of people has learned not to get stuck in the negative. As the writer says this group has gained more 'emotional control' so they limit the stress and negativity in their lives. What a great lesson for any age group!!

Two: The article goes on to state that one of the reasons this group can avoid these stressful situation is because they are "more clear on the intentions of others". Situations don't become negative because they don't take everything personally and get stuck in the criticism.

Three: Social relationships improve mental health! It is important to have strong social relationships and these relationships dramatically decrease stress.

AH! Such nuggets of wisdom there--happiness comes from avoiding negative situations and one of the way to avoid negative situations is to have more understanding about the people in our lives. More understanding that everything isn't about us--that people's intentions aren't always bad--that they might be doing the best they can with what they have.

Wouldn't it be great if we could learn these lessons early in life! We could learn that time is limited, negativity is not helpful, get clear on what our priorities are and have some love and understanding for ourselves and those around us!! It's just that simple-ha!! Ok so I guess maybe we need time to learn all those lessons--but we CAN start implementing them in to our lives one little step at a time.

Putting on Your Big Girl Pants

Sometimes in life we find ourselves at a spot where we realize we need to put on our 'big girl pants'--we need to step up, take an action, make a change. I had a client who came into see me because she was at a crossroads in both her relationship and her career. During our sessions, it became apparent that over the past few years she had been floating through life--allowing her partner to take care of her, allowing her job to just exist, she wasn't really actively engaged in her life.

Unfortunately, I frequently find that in my practice--women who have given up on their lives either out of fear, numbness, or have just been beaten down enough that they have lost their energy to engage. Over our sessions she began to get more and more empowered, figuring out what she needed/desired, what direction she wanted her life to take. Finally it became obvious that she need to make some changes in her life--needed to start implementing her desires and needs. After much discussion about what she wanted to do and how to do it she turned to me and said "You know what I just need to put on my big girl pants and get out there". I loved that expression! She was right--we used that analogy a lot in her sessions and I continue to use it with my clients. I absolutely love the power of analogy. Frequently in my sessions, I will use a symbol or a story to help illustrate a challenging topic and this was the perfect analogy!

At first her big girl pants were uncomfortable and didn't fit right and then eventually she got use to them. She got use to asking for what we need, living her life intentionally based on her own expectations not someone else's. So over the next few weeks she kept trying on her big girl pants and you could see the energy in her change. Each week she would come into my office and would share a story of when she had her big girl pants on and what she had done. And we would talk about the difference between the times she was wearing her big girl pants and the times she wasn't. Eventually she began to feel that difference of when she was acting from her big girl place and when she was acting from her little girl place She could tell the insecure, scared part of her--her little girl-- "you know what I got this--I can take care of you, I can speak my needs and be a grown up."

Finally at one of our last sessions she said to me "you know I came in wearing my little girl dress and now I am wearing big girl pants". So true! She made some major life changes during out time together and came out living a life that she wanted and that fed her soul. She was totally living happier!!!

Even in myself I notice when I start acting anxious, insecure, doubtful, scared that I have put on my little girl dress and I remind myself I am a big girl. I give my little girl (my insecurities and doubts) and quick hug, put on my big girl pants and say "I got this".

Where in your life are you still wearing your little girl clothes?

Swimming Pace and Happiness

I am learning how to swim. Even though I grew up with a pool, I never really learned how to swim using the correct strokes. So I thought I would get off the treadmill and get in the pool! I have taken about 6 lessons and probably swim once a week. Currently. I am trying to perfect my freestyle stroke. My instructor has been working with me on increasing my endurance and being able to swim longer. Last week he had me swim 75 meters--without stopping. So the length of the pool 3 times! Me being me I swam as fast as I could for the 3 laps because I was so afraid I wasn't going to be able to do it. By the time I got to the edge I was exhausted. When I reached the edge he said "did you enjoy that?" And I said NO--that was awful--and he said of course because you were just trying to finish it you weren't enjoying the challenge. Then he explained to me his philosophy about swimming "it isn't about the destination or getting it done it is about enjoying the strokes and just having fun with it". "If you slow down your pace you can go further and might actually enjoy it!!"

Wow--who would have thought swimming could be such a great analogy for life--and happiness! Frequently we go at break neck pace trying to get somewhere or figure something out and then we finish the day, week, month totally exhausted. Rather than just enjoy the pace.

For the rest of my practice time I tried to slow my pace--I admit it was new, it was frustrating, it was a challenge. But it was also more fun--I wasn't dying at the end of each lap, I was able to swim continuously, and I was aware of my strokes. I finally began to see swimming not as this awful sport that hurts my lungs but as a sport that when done correctly uses my whole body and allows me to glide through the water. Since I wasn't so focused on being exhausted I could enjoy myself. This is true with life--when we slow our pace we can focus on the things that really matter and maybe even glide for awhile. Try it--slow your pace and see what happens.

New Research: Optimists Live Longer

Here is an interesting article: Do Optimists Live Longer

There has been a lot of research done in the past few years stating that optimistic people live longer, are happier and generally have better lives. These studies increasingly show the power of the mind, body, spirit connection. It is becoming harder to deny that those three areas are linked.

However, I admit, I struggle with this research--not because I don't believe it or because I think it is wrong but because being optimistic for some people can challenging. When I read this article my first inclination is just to decide ok today I am going to be happy for the sake of my health I am going to switch my mindset and be happy. Ah if only it were that easy.

I am an optimistic person most of the time (Ok probably more like a cheery Eeyore as my friends call me--an upbeat realist)--but there are days when I admit this stuff is hard. Where does optimism come from? Is it something you are born with? Is it something you can learn? As with everything it is a combination of both--I have watched my father the worlds biggest pessimist become more of an optimist as he enters his 70s. So it is possible to change. However, that change comes over time--and not just by saying OK today I am going to be an optimist.

That change comes in little every day decisions. Changing our perspectives, reframing our stories. Great example. This morning I was walking my dog--it is hot and humid here in Ohio. For those of you not familiar with midwestern humidity it is like walking into a steam room the minute you walk outside. As I was walking my dog I noticed my self talk "ugh-I am tired, it is hot, I am sweating, I need my coffee, I want to get home" and then I thought--wait a minute let's reframe. Instead of looking at all the negatives around walking the dog let me try to find all the positives and then I thought to myself "wow I get to walk my dog, I get to see the joy on her face as she trots along, I get to move my body and see the changes in my neighborhood, I get to greet people and say Hi, I get to be outside (even if it is REALLY HUMID" And I noticed my posture was better, there was a spring in my step--I just felt better. That, my friend, is how you slowly become an optimist. It is changing your perspective from I HAVE TO to I GET TO.

Pay attention to those negative thoughts and start reframing them to positive ones. No, it isn't as easy as bam I want to become an optimist. But research shows that the work of switching our thoughts not only will help us live longer--but will help us enjoy the years we are living!

The power of breathing

One thing I always encourage my clients to do is breathe. Yes--I know it is something we do naturally. But how often do you really pay attention to your breath? Really take a big belly breath where you fill your lungs to full capacity?!?! I am constantly amazed that the practice of pausing and taking 3 deep belly breaths can dramatically change my demeanor--It can take me from a level 10 stress down to a level 3--it can help me feel more centered and aware.

Frequently the idea to take 3 deep breaths is completely foreign to us. One of the best ways I have found to increase awareness around my breath is to add a breathing ritual into my day. Rituals help me become more aware of when I need to breathe. I encourage my clients to take 3 deep breaths whenever they are at a stop sign, or whenever they sit down at their desk, or before they walk in the door to their house. By having specific times of the day when you take 3 deep breaths who become more aware of how your body is feeling--then you will notice more readily when you need to take deep breaths throughout the day. Try it--I promise it will make a difference in decreasing your anxiety and helping you live happier.