Self Imposed Cages

One of my favorite books is called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.   In her book, she tells the story of Mohini a white tiger who lived at the Washington DC National Zoo.  For years, Mohini had a tiny little cell that he lived in.  Because it was so small--Mohini would just pace back and forth in his cell.  He would spend his days walking the same path, back and forth, back and forth, until it was a well worn path.  Finally, the zoo raised enough money and they were able to build a beautiful natural habitat for him with lots of grass and trees. There was a big opening and they let Mohini in to the new habitat and he immediately went to a far corner and started pacing back and forth back and forth. He did not explore his new surroundings or even look around he just found a spot and began pacing.

The first time I heard this story, I was listening to Tara speak at a conference. I was just blown away by the story. Stories do the best job of just shaking our core.  It was a wow moment for me, because I can remember where I was sitting, my reaction and how it felt to hear that story.   I realized that in my own life and in my clients lives we frequently keep ourselves in a cage unnecessarily.  We feel locked into something, we feel stuck, but the cage is imaginary.  If we would only look up and look around we could see the possibilities.  We would realize the cage is made up of our own limiting beliefs and negative self talk our own shoulds, and what-ifs.  The cage isn't real.

It some ways it is safe to live in a self imposed cage.  The cage gives us a place to put the blame and keeps us safe.  It prevents us from really having to take a risk, or to face our fears and our inner critic.     Unfortunately the pain comes in when we realize we have lived a life stuck on a path that we didn't really want, that we didn't really chose.  All we have to do is lift our heads up, look around and say to ourselves--do I like my path, is this where I want to be?  And if not--what is one change I can make? What is one little step I can take that will pull me off the path for a little while?  Do I want to take a class, get a massage, go dancing with my friends, take a trip, write a book, paint a picture? The possibilities are endless.

By the time Mohini made it to the larger more expansive habitat he was already beaten down enough to not even bother to look up and see the possibilities.  In order to prevent that in our own lives--we have to pay attention to our daily lives, and see where we might want to add some spice or make some changes.  We have to continually check our limiting beliefs, negative self talk and see if it is keeping us in a self imposed cage.  Living Happier is about exploring both our internal and external worlds to make sure we are living our lives to the fullest and not just stuck in a cage of our own making.

It's a big, vast, wonderful world. Go Exploring and Live Happier.

You are enough. Period

One of my favorite life lessons (and I admit one I am spiraling up on) is the lesson:  I am enough PERIOD!  Not when I am skinny or when I get all A's or when I get married or when I can buy a house or when I am CEO or fill in the blank.  Right now--as you are you are enough. As one of my greatest mentors, Annette Franks would say "you are worthy, lovable, valuable."  Such a lesson: we are unconditionally lovable.  One of my favorite homework assignments is to write these words down and hand them to a client, instructing them to post them near their bed so when they wake up in the morning they see these words, repeat them to themselves and breathe it in.  Breathe in the truth. Inevitably, when I say these words to a client they will not hear me "yeah, yeah" is the general response.  But when I get out of my chair, go to my desk and write the words down in my big sloppy handwriting and hand them to my clients--they get tears in their eyes.  I kid you not, EVERY client I have done this with has gotten teary.  Sometimes I will ask (depending on the client) where the tears come from. Consistently, they will say to me: no one ever said that to me.  Now whether no one has said that to them or whether then never really HEARD it is up for debate.  The point is--it is new information to them.

As it was new to me when I went in to therapy broken, defeated wondering--what the hell am I doing with my life!  And to be honest, I grew up in a pretty fabulous household.  Parents who are still happily married who regularly showed their support and love.  Two older brothers who served as great role models and were typical big brothers.  I had attended a good college, had a decent job, good friendships but I still wondered what was the point. I still woke up at night wondering why am I so unhappy?  Finally I found a good therapist (something even I will admit is a challenge) and she wrote down those words: You are lovable, valuable, worthy period. And I too got teary.  Talk about a wow moment!  That moment changed my life.  I still have the ratty old piece of paper and as I spiral up through that lesson I still look at it.  I don't know why I never heard that message--not saying it wasn't ever said to me--but it didn't sink in.  That piece of the paper was the beginning of me finding self love and recognizing it didn't matter how successful or driven I was--my happiness came from the inside.  I had to love myself to find what was missing.

Hands down the biggest gift we can give ourselves and the world is the regular practice of breathing in the belief I am enough.  When we start giving that gift to ourselves we can then give it to our children and our loved ones.  The gift of letting them know--yep we all make mistakes, we all mess up but at the end of the day--you are valuable, lovable, worthy period.  You are enough just because you are here breathing.  It is powerful, life changing and a definite key to living happier.

Self Care is NOT Selfish

If I had a dollar for every time I say to a client--self care is not selfish I would be able to retire to a beach somewhere.  Unfortunately, especially as women we have not been taught the beauty of self care.  In my practice, self care is the first homework assignment I give my clients.  They need to pick what 'soothes their soul' whether it be a hot bath, reading a good book, journalling, walking, a good conversation with a good friend, writing, a movie etc.  I usually give women the permission to have 30 minutes of self care as their homework.  I am consistently amazed at the number of women who return to my office unable to complete the homework--worksheets, yes, self care no.  Frequently it is because they don't know how to do self care--one client took a bath and spent the whole time scrubbing the mud from her farm off her hands. Yes, while that is taking care of one self it is not SELF CARE.

Over the past few months I have been working with a teenage client who struggles with being the 'counselor' in her circle of friends-she is the one that everyone comes to--the one who will listen and worry and be there for you if you are having a problem.  She, not surprisingly, is pretty popular--she is also suffering from anxiety.  Recently her anxiety started dropping, she started standing up for herself, not taking on the drama, recognizing when her bucket was getting empty and making changes accordingly.  Unfortunately while she felt better, less anxious, more focused and happier, she felt very guilty.  I said to her it is ok to be selfish and she looked at me like I had 3 heads.  WHAT!?!?  she cried--I can't be selfish.  I said taking care of yourself, having good boundaries, saying NO, saying I don't need to justify that, or defend that action, is healthy.  I don't think she believes me yet--but fortunately she is seeing that having good boundaries and putting herself first is allowing her to have more quality people in her life--people that really care about her and vice vera.  People that aren't just using her for her ability to listen or to be the caretaker.  I call these people the globbers because they tend to glob onto our energy, our time, our lives. They aren't there to help us or add to our lives they are there to take away.

How do you take care of yourself?  How do you make sure your bucket stays full?  Do you take time for  hot baths, reading a good book, getting a massage, walking outside, talking with a good friend, journalling, writing, drawing, listening to music, meditating, laughing out loud, saying no to things you don't want to do, or just saying yes to things you want to do.  Let me know!   By sharing you are helping us all learn the power of self care.

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For More Information on me and my services--check out my website:  www.NancyJaneSmith.com

Shutting off the Negative Voice

Last night I was having dinner with one of my best friends and we were doing the usual processing/venting/ sharing of our lives.  We hadn't had time to get together for awhile so there was MUCH to catch up on.  As we were talking, a common theme developed which was the way we talk to ourselves.  As my friend said isn't it amazing I would never talk to you that way yet I talk to myself like that all the time.  And I immediately thought (as I have a tendency to do these days) that would be a great blog post!

It is true--that little tiny voice in the back of our heads comes out and can just hammer us "you aren't good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, caring enough, tough enough, organized enough on and on and on".  And if we aren't aware of it that voice can quietly mutter all day long how terrible, weak, and pathetic we are until the mutter becomes like a megaphone and we just believe everything it says.  We would NEVER talk to our friends or our loved ones that way yet frequently we allow it to just hang out in our brain beating us down.

Fortunately my voice over the years has gotten quieter.  I can remember there was a time when I would feel like I was living with camera's in my house--everything was up for criticism: how late I slept, how clean my house was, how I chose to spend my time, how I looked, what I wore, who I talked to etc. I have become more aware of her (my voice is a her) and try to catch her before she gains too much influence.   However in the interest of full disclosure, this week my little voice has been out in full force just hammering away.  I heard her  talking earlier in the week and tried to shut her down but I didn't really focus on her until last night at dinner.  As I was expressing how I felt and what I was thinking my friend was able to say "whoa what's up with that negativity?" and I realized WOW--that little voice has gained some serious momentum.  What had started as maybe a 'helpful' hint or two had ended up being a full blown attack on my self esteem.

There are 1000 theories as to why we have that voice, some say it is our ego, or fear, or just a negative voice.  I am not here to debate why it is here I am here to decrease some of her power.  So as with anything (you might get sick of me saying it--but it is SO true) it starts with awareness.  We have to be aware of that little voice and the fact that she is talking smack. At first we might not notice her until we are talking to someone and we start using her language or maybe we notice how we physically feel.  I usually notice her because I feel more on edge I am more snappish with my friends/significant others because I feel defensive and hostile.  I notice I am more insecure, more scared, more grouchy.  For you those feelings might be different--the key is to figure out what they are.  When your voice is talking to you do you get sad?  scared? angry? feel tension in your neck? your stomach?  All those things will help you bring awareness to her.  Once you know she is there you can call her out. I just speak right to her and let her know I am done listening and for a time she quiets down.

Sometimes your awareness comes later--like me this week--she had been going all week long and I had just let her run amuck.  So today I decided I need to take some action.  I sat down and I wrote two lists:  one all the things in my life I am grateful for and two all the things I love about myself and my life.  WOW--what a fabulous list--fortunately it was long and lovely.  I just sat there reading in all the wonderful things I have in my life and I immediately felt better and the monster that had been pecking at me all week lost her power.

My challenge to you is start noticing that voice.  Unfortunately we can't get rid of the voice forever, it comes back from time to time so you have to be vigilant.  Pay attention to how you feel when you hear her/him.  Pay attention to when he/she occurs. Don't let her/him run around in your head unchecked.  Call her out.  Sit her down and show her who's in charge here.  It will help you Live Happier.

Letting Go of Guilt

Guilt fascinates me. It is such a powerful emotion yet it serves no purpose. When we feel guilty-we aren't helping anyone, we aren't accomplishing anything we aren't even processing through a legitimate emotion. We are just spinning our wheels. We justify actions (or non-actions) by feeling guilty about them.

For example, I have a client who wants to add working out into her life. About a month ago, she decided that morning was the best time to workout. So she set her alarm an hour earlier so she could get up and go for a walk. However she found that when her alarm would go off she would hit snooze and then lay in bed for maybe 20-30 minutes debating about getting up. During this time she would tell herself that she was 'fat and lazy' for not getting up and then after 40 minutes had passed she would tell herself that she didn't have time for a workout and would either lay in bed beating herself up and feeling guilty or she would fall in to a restless sleep.

I gave my client the assignment for 1 week that she had to embrace whatever it was she was doing. So if her alarm went off 60 minutes early she had to decide if she wanted to get up and workout or if she wanted to sleep in. The catch was she COULD NOT lay in bed and debate it, feeling guilty, she had to immediately make a decision, and then follow through. If she decided to work out she had to get up and work out if she decided to sleep then she had to REALLY sleep in and enjoy it. She couldn't just lay there as she has done in the past and spend the 60 minutes beating herself up for not working out. She either had to truly enjoy the 60 extra minutes of sleep or get up and workout.

She came back a week later and said that it was amazing how different her choices were. She was starting to learn to listen to herself and make intentional decisions. It wasn't that she got up every morning and worked out. Rather she paid attention to herself and when she needed more sleep she let herself sleep in for 60 extra minutes and when she wanted to workout but was just reluctant to do so she pulled herself out of bed and took a walk. She realized that her decisions became more deliberate and she started to let go of the guilt and the "shoulds". She started to live her life spending her time intentionally and not unconsciously. (Actually after a couple of weeks with this exercise she realized that the morning wasn't the best time for her to add a workout routine and she decided to add it in at lunchtime.)

So let's say that the kitchen needs to be cleaned but there is a good show on TV. You have to decide Do I want to clean the kitchen? Do I want to watch and enjoy the TV show? Do I want to record the TV show so I can watch it later? Because it is no longer an option to watch the TV show and not really enjoy it because you are feeling guilty for not cleaning the kitchen. Try it--I know it will make a big difference in your life!