Self Imposed Cages

One of my favorite books is called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.   In her book, she tells the story of Mohini a white tiger who lived at the Washington DC National Zoo.  For years, Mohini had a tiny little cell that he lived in.  Because it was so small--Mohini would just pace back and forth in his cell.  He would spend his days walking the same path, back and forth, back and forth, until it was a well worn path.  Finally, the zoo raised enough money and they were able to build a beautiful natural habitat for him with lots of grass and trees. There was a big opening and they let Mohini in to the new habitat and he immediately went to a far corner and started pacing back and forth back and forth. He did not explore his new surroundings or even look around he just found a spot and began pacing.

The first time I heard this story, I was listening to Tara speak at a conference. I was just blown away by the story. Stories do the best job of just shaking our core.  It was a wow moment for me, because I can remember where I was sitting, my reaction and how it felt to hear that story.   I realized that in my own life and in my clients lives we frequently keep ourselves in a cage unnecessarily.  We feel locked into something, we feel stuck, but the cage is imaginary.  If we would only look up and look around we could see the possibilities.  We would realize the cage is made up of our own limiting beliefs and negative self talk our own shoulds, and what-ifs.  The cage isn't real.

It some ways it is safe to live in a self imposed cage.  The cage gives us a place to put the blame and keeps us safe.  It prevents us from really having to take a risk, or to face our fears and our inner critic.     Unfortunately the pain comes in when we realize we have lived a life stuck on a path that we didn't really want, that we didn't really chose.  All we have to do is lift our heads up, look around and say to ourselves--do I like my path, is this where I want to be?  And if not--what is one change I can make? What is one little step I can take that will pull me off the path for a little while?  Do I want to take a class, get a massage, go dancing with my friends, take a trip, write a book, paint a picture? The possibilities are endless.

By the time Mohini made it to the larger more expansive habitat he was already beaten down enough to not even bother to look up and see the possibilities.  In order to prevent that in our own lives--we have to pay attention to our daily lives, and see where we might want to add some spice or make some changes.  We have to continually check our limiting beliefs, negative self talk and see if it is keeping us in a self imposed cage.  Living Happier is about exploring both our internal and external worlds to make sure we are living our lives to the fullest and not just stuck in a cage of our own making.

It's a big, vast, wonderful world. Go Exploring and Live Happier.

Live Happier Tip: My Dogs Turn

Last week I did the Ode to my Cat Pooh--so this week in keeping with the theme I thought I would share some Live Happier Tips I have learned from my dog, Mocha. First off I have to say Mocha is a new wondeful addition to my life.  I have always been a cat person--for years (13 actually) it was just me and my cat (minus the brief 10 day stint with a dog that didn't work out--VERY long story).  Then this past April, I decided to do scope out the dog shelters 'mix and mingle' event.  Even though I swore I was just looking, the friend that went with me knew I would be walking home with a dog that day. Fortunately I did, I came home with the perfect dog for me.  She is super chill and gentle and makes me laugh on a daily basis.  I have learned a lot about living happier from my dog and today I share her tips.

Take time to Watch the World.  Mocha LOVES to be outside.  She sits on the back porch for hours watching the squirrels and taking in 'her domain'. Sometimes I just love watching her looking so happy and content. She reminds me that joy comes in the little things and I just need to take the time to sit and watch the world.

Curiosity.  Mocha and I take at least one sometimes two walks a day.  I love walking with her because she greets our neighborhood with such curiosity.  Every time she walks out of the house she acts as if it was the first time.  She runs down the walk with great amazement and wonder.  As I walk with her I am reminded to look around, to have some curiosity about both my external and my internal world.

Greet Everyone with Enthusiasm.  One of my favorite parts of coming home is the Mocha greeting.  Whether I am gone for 5 minutes or 5 hours the greeting is always enthusiastic.  It makes me feel loved and appreciated.  After a long day it is fabulous to walk out of the garage and receive a gigantic 'welcome home--where have you been?" smile.  Her enthusiasm reminds me that I need to give the people in my life that kind of warm greeting.  I need to be showing those I love how much they mean to me on daily basis.

Play with Abandonment.  Every day I find myself in my back yard talking in a silly voice running around like a crazy woman and playing with Mocha. She has taught me the joy in playing.  For those 5-10 minutes it is just fun to be running around watching her play with such joy.  She reminds me that life maybe hard and challenging but the joy comes in the play.  Looking and sounding like a fool is worth it when you are also laughing so hard your belly hurts.

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Just a reminder that tonight from 6-7:30pm (Wednesday) is the Strong Woman Strong Relationship Seminar at Easton Lifetime Fitness--hope to see you there!!

Strong Woman Strong Relationships

This morning I did one of my favorite things--I went out to breakfast with a friend of mine.  Always a bonus to start the day with pancakes and bacon and even more so to have a great conversation while doing so.  One of our many subjects was my upcoming seminar (it is tomorrow, Wednesday,for all of you that live in the Columbus Ohio area) entitled Strong Woman, Strong Relationships.  

We spent much of our breakfast time discussing the meaning of the words Strong Woman Strong Relationship.  It was a spirited fun discussion so I thought I would continue it here.  

As women we receive so many conflicting messages about a. what it means to be strong and b. what it means to be in a relationship.  The challenge is that both are very individual decisions. My definition of a strong relationship may not be your definition of a strong relationship.  However, the key is getting clear on what both terms mean. What does being a Strong Woman mean to you?  How would you know if your relationships was strong?

For me being a strong woman means having a clear sense of what makes me tick, knowing myself, knowing what I value, what I believe and am passionate about.  A strong woman can be CEO of a fortune 500 company who is responsible for 1000 employees or mother of 3 who works from home and spends her days caring for her husband and children.  The point is it isn't what you do that makes your strong it is how you do it.  A strong woman knows her needs and expresses them, she doesn't alway act out of a place of 'should' but rather  she knows what she wants and she goes after that.  The world needs more strong women, women who are comfortable in their own skin--know who they are and the type of relationships they want and they go after it!  

Similarly women need to take a look at our definition of relationship--what does a strong relationship mean to us?  Does it mean: we spend all our time together?  my partner buys me gifts or takes me on trips?  my partner is supportive of my drive and ambition?   my partner holds me when I cry and understands my vulnerabilities?  There is no set rule on what a strong relationship looks like.  I believe a strong relationship is one where both partners 'show up' and co-create a loving, supportive, team. That may mean they spend every waking moment together, or they see each other only on the weekends, or that one partner stays home and the other partner earns the money etc.   A strong relationship can look like 1000 different things  the key is that we as woman need to start figuring out what a strong relationship looks like to us and then start creating that!!

In my experience working with many female clients-somewhere along the way we lost this definition of strength. We have bought into a lot of 'shoulds' and we started thinking the answer was 'out there'.  We forgot about the power of looking within to find the answer, to find our strength. 

So today ask yourself:  What does it mean to be a strong woman?  What does a strong relationship look like to me? 

Then tomorrow night have a Strong Woman Strong Relationship discussion. If you live near Columbus  grab your girlfriends, come to Easton, get some dinner and join me at Lifetime Fitness at Easton for the seminar.  If you don't live near Columbus-then grab your girlfriends and start the conversation-get curious and support your friends in getting clear on what makes them Strong!   For more information check out my website.  Looking forward to seeing you!

Living with Passion: Somedays

Tomorrow I am teaching a workshop entitled Living Your Passion it is the second seminar in my 3 week series on Living Happier.  So today I thought I would give you a taste of what we will be discussing at that seminar.  Join me tomorrow for a deeper look at living passionately.


One of the keys for living a life of passion is to look at your 'Somedays'.  Somedays are the daydreams you have when you are sitting in a meeting that has gone on too long or you are on a vacation and have the freedom to "dream big". Examples could be backpacking around Europe,  living on a desert island, owning a bed and breakfast, having 5 kids etc.  If it is a Someday, then we don't REALLY have to do it there is no real accountability so it allows us to just let our hearts wander. When we talk about Someday it is safe and it gives us room to dream.


These Somedays hold clues to our passion to what our soul desires.  For example if we say travel to Europe what is intriguing about that—having time to lounge, having adventure, seeing the history of Europe, the romance?  Looking deeper at our dreams for Someday gives us clues to a deeper passion that we can add to our lives now.   Maybe your Someday is living on a deserted island.  Ask yourself: What is intriguing about that? Maybe being alone (if we are surrounded by demands, or people all day) or being in the sun and warmth, or having no responsibilities.  So maybe in the present you can add more ‘time alone’, or plan a warm vacation or give yourself a day of freedom with 'no shoulds', no to-do list just a day of flow.  


A client of mine completed this exercise and after looking deeply at her Somedays she realized that they all had the theme of being alone, having no responsibilities.  She realized that she was bogged down by responsibilities and was always with people.  What her heart was telling her through the Somedays exercise was that she needed a break alone with no responsibilities.  She couldn't run away from home to backpack around Europe (which was the actual Someday) so she decided to implement 2 hours every weekend that was her time to do whatever she wanted.  Her husband had the kids and she was able to play.  Eventually she began adding more time throughout the week that was just hers and she began to feel more passionately about her life. 


So write down your Somedays and then dig down for the real need for which your heart is asking.  Why do I want to do this?  What about this Someday is appealing? Then start brainstorming how you can add the real need to your every day life while still planning for the Someday!!!


If you want more information about Somedays or other exercises on figuring out your passion and living a passionate life join me tomorrow night at Lifetime Fitness at Easton for a seminar on Living with Passion.  So come to Easton, do some shopping, get some dinner and join me!  For more information check out my website.  Looking forward to seeing you!

You are enough. Period

One of my favorite life lessons (and I admit one I am spiraling up on) is the lesson:  I am enough PERIOD!  Not when I am skinny or when I get all A's or when I get married or when I can buy a house or when I am CEO or fill in the blank.  Right now--as you are you are enough. As one of my greatest mentors, Annette Franks would say "you are worthy, lovable, valuable."  Such a lesson: we are unconditionally lovable.  One of my favorite homework assignments is to write these words down and hand them to a client, instructing them to post them near their bed so when they wake up in the morning they see these words, repeat them to themselves and breathe it in.  Breathe in the truth. Inevitably, when I say these words to a client they will not hear me "yeah, yeah" is the general response.  But when I get out of my chair, go to my desk and write the words down in my big sloppy handwriting and hand them to my clients--they get tears in their eyes.  I kid you not, EVERY client I have done this with has gotten teary.  Sometimes I will ask (depending on the client) where the tears come from. Consistently, they will say to me: no one ever said that to me.  Now whether no one has said that to them or whether then never really HEARD it is up for debate.  The point is--it is new information to them.

As it was new to me when I went in to therapy broken, defeated wondering--what the hell am I doing with my life!  And to be honest, I grew up in a pretty fabulous household.  Parents who are still happily married who regularly showed their support and love.  Two older brothers who served as great role models and were typical big brothers.  I had attended a good college, had a decent job, good friendships but I still wondered what was the point. I still woke up at night wondering why am I so unhappy?  Finally I found a good therapist (something even I will admit is a challenge) and she wrote down those words: You are lovable, valuable, worthy period. And I too got teary.  Talk about a wow moment!  That moment changed my life.  I still have the ratty old piece of paper and as I spiral up through that lesson I still look at it.  I don't know why I never heard that message--not saying it wasn't ever said to me--but it didn't sink in.  That piece of the paper was the beginning of me finding self love and recognizing it didn't matter how successful or driven I was--my happiness came from the inside.  I had to love myself to find what was missing.

Hands down the biggest gift we can give ourselves and the world is the regular practice of breathing in the belief I am enough.  When we start giving that gift to ourselves we can then give it to our children and our loved ones.  The gift of letting them know--yep we all make mistakes, we all mess up but at the end of the day--you are valuable, lovable, worthy period.  You are enough just because you are here breathing.  It is powerful, life changing and a definite key to living happier.

This stuff is HARD

Lately I have been struggling with the self help industry--the number of books and blogs and e-books that are out there to help us figure out how to feel better about ourselves/our lives/our relationships/our careers. It is incredible to me the sheer number of 'stuff' that is out there. I use to be a self help fanatic--thinking maybe if I bought THIS book or downloaded THIS pamphlet I would finally get control of my life and feel better. Finally I realized the books weren't going to help--yes they have good techniques and insights, but the bottom line is--this stuff is hard. Learning, growing, changing. trying to be a better person--all very hard!! It is hard to live in the present, be aware of your negative thoughts, engage in deep breathing, communicate your needs and push through your fear--all while eating healthy, doing some type of work out and just plan living your life!!! But I know when I try when I get up each morning and just TRY to implement one or two things I feel better--I am happier when I am intentional about my life--when I catch myself 'what ifing' or when I notice the beat down I am giving myself because I haven't accomplished what I thought I would. Do I do this every minute of every day? No way--do I do it most days, yes.

I guess I just needed to admit as someone who works in the 'self help' arena--there is no magic way to find happiness no magic 10 steps or magic book or magic pill for that matter. There is just honest to goodness struggle--being honest with ourselves and our significant others. Being aware of ourselves as we move through life and having genuine non-judgmental curiosity about ourselves and our friends/partners. There will be days when we hit the mark when we are present and centered and living all the self help principles. There will be days when we miss the mark completely--when we question if we have learned anything in this process. It is those days when we have learned the same life lesson for the 5th time and we wonder if we are really making any progress at all that we need to put away the baseball bat that we use to beat ourselves with and recognize this stuff is HARD and tomorrow is another day.

When life gets tough and you fall into bed exhausted give yourself a break and remember: Life is a process and we are all doing the best we can with what we know right now.

Moving at a Slower Pace

One of the key parts of Intentional Living is paying attention to our bodies. What are we feeling? Where do we carry our emotions? Where do I feel joy or fear or anger--my back, my chest, my stomach?

As the 'darker' months of winter approach and we start losing more and more daylight hours I notice my body slowing down, I am forced inside more so I don't take my evening walks anymore or do afternoon yard work. Rather I notice I am sleeping longer, hanging on the couch more and longing for quiet relaxing moments rather than the energetic bursts I had throughout the summer months.

In the past, I would have belittled myself for this lack of energy, wondered what was wrong, made myself feel guilty and shamed for not doing enough or being productive. But after years of paying attention to my body I recognize--this is a natural shift for me--an organic progression into the next season one of rest and renewal where my body does shift into a desire of more comfort and care than in previous months.

The trick is to first pay attention to yourself and recognize these natural shifts and secondly to embrace them. On a Saturday when you body needs an extra hour of sleep because it is still dark out take that extra hour. When you crave time to just curl up on the couch and read a good book but the dirty dishes are calling your name--pick the book. Intentional Living means listening to our bodies and the natural rhythms they give us. The more we listen to and embrace our bodies messages the more joy we will experience on a daily basis.