Facing our Loneliness

In my opinion, one of the toughest emotions to deal with is loneliness.  Loneliness can creep in during the middle of the night as we lie in bed, it can show up in the middle of party when we realize we don't really want to be there, or on the couch with a partner who really doesn't get us. Loneliness can show up when we are truly alone or when we are surrounded by other people.   The truth is loneliness is real.  It is a part of the human condition-it is something we all have to face and deal with whether we are in a healthy partnership of 25+ years or have been single for 5+ years.  Loneliness is different then being alone.  You can be surrounded by people and feel lonely and you can be alone and feel joyous and happy.

For many of us we run from this loneliness, we shove it down, we ignore it, we jump from relationship to relationship trying to not experience it.  But loneliness is always there.  It is a painful reminder that we aren't getting a need met, that we are sad or scared or vulnerable.  Many of us make bad decisions all in the name of trying to avoid loneliness. We stay in unhealthy relationships, we hang out with people who don't support us, we fill our lives with noise and distractions so we don't have to face ourselves.

For most of my adult life I have lived alone.  I use to book myself sold with parties, dinners, movies, just to be out of the house.  I convinced myself that I had a full exciting life because I was never home.  One night as I was sitting across the table from a friend eating dinner out for the 20th straight night I realized, I felt lonely.  Even though my schedule appeared busy and I was alway surrounded by people, I wasn't really connecting with anyone.  I was trying to avoid the loneliness that I felt in my soul by booking myself solid with dinners and people.  I booked myself solid with people who didn't really know me or care about me.  I realized I had to face the loneliness.  Today I still have moments and periods of loneliness, and honestly, my first instinct is always to run from them.  But I have learned that loneliness is part of the human condition, it is there to teach me something.  I built relationships with people who love me and support me who I know I can call when the loneliness overwhelms me.

Facing our loneliness allows us to Live Happier.  It allows us to look at our lives, our relationships and make sure we are hanging with quality people who love and support us.  Loneliness might be there to tell you it is time to face a loss, move on from an unhealthy relationship, or gather new friends.  It is counter-intuitive because we all want to run from it.  The next time that dreaded loneliness creeps just TRY to welcome it.  Ask it what it has to teach you, write in your journal, or call a friend whom you trust. Most importantly, start building some awareness around your loneliness and how you deal with it.

When does loneliness creep in for you? How do you handle your loneliness?  What are your favorite ways to distract yourself when you feel lonely?  Who do you trust to talk to when you feel lonely?

Not all Running is Good for You.

So in the spirit of confessing:  I admit over the past few days I have been in a bit of a mood.  I have been overly anxious and a bit grouchy, many of my 'go to' things weren't working. The activities that normally 'fill up my bucket' weren't helping me improve my mood.

Then I realized I was in run mode--Ah run mode--fortunately these days it is something that doesn't rear it's head very often.  For years, it was my standard way of living.  I would always be in run mode.  What is run mode you are asking?  Run mode is when you have something big in your life, that you aren't facing.  Maybe it is a big stressor or sadness, maybe it is a conflict or a fear.  It can be something quite small--but your mind convinces yourself that it is HUGE and you need to run.  So you run from thing to thing--you run from activity to activity looking for something to fill the hole to fill the anxiety that has been created by this stressor.  Some signs of run mode for me are: nothing satisfies me, tendency to be extremely anxious and critical (of self and others), and a fear of being alone so I book myself up with activities.  The point is I run from myself so I can focus on running and anxiety and not on the stressor. Sometimes if you are really good at it (like I was) you can put your stressor energy onto something completely unrelated like your relationship, children, friends.  So you might start a fight with a partner because you know it is 'safe' and you can put all your stress energy on to that fight.

The KEY is to face the fear, anger, conflict, sadness not to run from it.  The first key is to notice that you are in run mode at all.  For example, yesterday as I was driving home and realized I had an entire evening of no plans, I went into a cold sweat.  Because I usually look forward to an evening of no plans, I had an immediate awareness that something was wrong and I realized 'hey I am in run mode'.  I came home and started journaling and eventually came to what was REALLY going on.  At first you might not catch yourself in run mode until days later, or it will be 1 day later and then it will be in the moment. The goal is to catch yourself before you do too much collateral damage.

Once you catch yourself in run mode then the goal is to figure out what is REALLY stressing you, what is the source:  a conflict, anger, sadness.  To do this it is helpful to get quiet with yourself, to journal, take a walk or talk to a friend.  In essence, the goal is to do the opposite of what you really want to do:  stop running and face yourself.  But the beauty is once you stop running and face the issue it becomes much less powerful.  Once you express the emotions you have been running from (e.g. cry, scream, yell, etc) you will wonder why you have spent all that time running.

This is a powerful and challenging process. Like I said I have been working on this issue for years--spiraling up.  It is one of those that we need to stay aware of.  Much of the every day anxiety we feel is because we are in run mode--we are trying to avoid something that might be negative so we create anxiety around other things to keep the stress/conflict at bay.  It might feel counter-intuitive but we actually Live Happier when we are able to face our emotions and not default to run mode.  What are your run mode symptoms?  What tends to be your trigger for run mode (conflict, anger, sadness)?

If it's so good for me, why doesn't everyone do it?

Last week I did a presentation on Present Moment Awareness. As you all know it is one of my favorite topics because I think it is one of the major keys to Living Happier. I absolutely love speaking and it is even more enjoyable when there is a lot of audience participation, which there was at this event.  One of the ladies asked me "if having awareness is so good for us, why don't more people do it?" what a great question.  My gut response was (and what I said) "because it is hard".  It is hard to strive for awareness and it is hard to have awareness, to take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and needs. In many ways, it is easier to walk through life as a victim, blaming other people or blaming ourselves, and taking the path of least resistance.  Sometimes it is easier to just live-stuck on the treadmill, stuck in the patterns, yes they might have uncomfortable circumstances but at least they are comfortable.

It is a similar question to if exercising is good for you why don't more people do it?  Because it is hard it requires us to sweat and get out of breath and we might not be good at it at first. But when we do exercise and it becomes a regular part of our lives we feel better,  our anxiety decreases, our hearts are healthier, our muscles feel better.  Overall we feel better.

As with awareness--at first we aren't very good at it--it is a stretch to be aware of what's happening around us.  It is a stretch to get off the hamster wheel and pay attention to both our inner and outer world.  But gradually we learn that when we start being aware of our life and what is going on around us--our world opens up.  We see little wonderful things that we have missed in the past.  Life opens up in HD/3-D/technicolor!  We also learn that we have a responsibility in life--we are responsible for our feelings, our reactions, for speaking our needs and for noticing when we are too stressed or too tired. We can't blame our spouse our co-workers, our family we are responsible for our own happiness!!  I admit both a freeing and irritating concept.  The beauty is when we start taking control of our thoughts feelings and needs we are empowered.  We are stimulated we realize we don't have to be victims.  We have a say in our lives and what we want to get out of them!!

A client recently said to me--Awareness means I can have a more full life but it also means I can't take the path of least resistance anymore!  As with the idea of embracing both--awareness allows us to live bright vibrant lives, and prevents us from floating along.  As with exercise, it is exhausting, energizing, empowering, and challenging and a DEFINITE key to Living Happier.

Live Happier Tip: Eating with Awareness

Brooke Castillo is a life coach who wrote a wonderful book called If I Am So Smart Why Can't I Lose Weight.  Her weight loss theory is about paying attention to what we eat and why we eat it.  In the book, she gives a wonderful example about mindful eating.  Let's say you have had a terrible day, people have yelled at you, you have made mistakes, and your stress level is through the roof.  You have just finished eating dinner, you are full but still stressed out.  You go to a friend's house and all your friends are drinking wine and sitting around a table chatting. On the table are all your favorite foods.  According to Brooke--the fact that you had a bad day has nothing to do with the fact that all your favorite foods are on the table.  So in theory you should be able to walk into the room, sit down and share your bad day with your friends and because you are already full not eat all the food on the table.  The first time I read this example, I was blown away! What a unique idea!?!?  Food and emotions not linked?  Who would have thought it?

It is my contention that if we start becoming more aware of not just what we eat but why we eat we will Live Happier.  So today's live happier tip is eating with awareness.  For most of us, food is linked to an emotion whether it be joy, stress, saddness, pain, frustration.  We often 'reward' ourselves with a big cookie or a bag of potato chips or for me Reese' cups.  I know when I start craving a bag of Reese cups I am in trouble. When I don't just stop at one or two.  When I pull the bag out of the cupboard, plop myself on the couch and start unwrapping them like a mad woman--something is off. I am mindlessly eating and that means somewhere there is an emotion that is going unchecked.

Living Happier is about having awareness around what we are eating and why.  When we mindlessly stuff ourselves to the point of beyond full, not only are we physically uncomfortable but we haven't really listened to the internal clues our emotions are giving us.  The key is to pay attention as we are eating-Do you want a piece of chocolate cake?  Then eat one, enjoy every wonderful bite, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, enjoy it!  Frequently, we decide to eat a piece of chocolate cake and miss how wonderful it tastes because we are beating ourselves up for it.  To the same end if you get a piece of chocolate cake and it tastes bad then don't eat it.  Sometimes because we FINALLY allow ourselves to eat a piece of chocolate cake we will eat it even though it isn't delicious.

Unfortunately in our country we have a lot of negative messages around food--we need to separate food from emotions.  WAY easier said than done--but it all starts with awareness. So pay attention to what you are eating today--how does it taste? Are you enjoying it? Why are you eating it?, Are you already full?, Are you eating it as a reward or because you deserve it rather than because you really want to eat whatever is in front of you?  When we have awareness around eating we can start enjoying our food and our lives more.  We can deal with our emotions AND enjoy our food.

Finding Joy in the Midst of Pain.

I am a big fan of story telling--today I am sharing one of my favorites.  The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron tells the story of a woman running away from tigers.  As she runs, the tigers keep gaining on her.  When she comes to the edge of a cliff she sees some vines, so she climbs down and holds on to one of the vines for dear life.  Looking down, she sees tigers below.  Looking to the side, she sees a mouse gnawing at the vine to which she's clinging.  She also sees a beautiful bunch of strawberries, growing out of of the mountain just within her reach. She looks up.  She looks down.  She looks at the mouse.  Then she takes a strawberry. She puts it in her mouth and enjoys it thoroughly.  

Tigers above.  Tigers below.  Mice gnawing at our support system. How often have you felt like that?   The truth is, this is the predicament we all face, when we take time to look deeply.  Each moment could be our last.  We could become depressed or lackadaisical when we ponder this fact.  Or, we could choose to eat the strawberries within reach and delight in the joy of every single moment that we have. 

For me, this story is the crux for living happier.  Because you know what?  Life IS full of challenges, pain, sorrow, and exhaustion.  We are fighting off tigers and staring down mice all the time!  But at the same time life is full of little joys--watching the tricker treaters all dressed up, having a totally spectacular fall season this year, enjoying a glass of wine with a friend, laughing with my mom on the phone, watching a really good movie--I could go on and on.  In reality, I believe there is as much joy in the world as there is pain--sometimes it is just easier to see the pain.  A few years ago, my dad was in the hospital, it was a very scary, stressful time, fortunately he came out just fine.  The experience was full of pain, fear, anger, worry and exhaustion AND it was full of laughter, joy, sharing and love. It was one of the most traumatizing events in my family's history and there were tigers and mice AND berries.   

It takes a lot of focus and awareness to say to yourself "here I hang facing an imminent painful death and rather than fret and stew and panic I am going to reach over and enjoy my last few moments by tasting and enjoying these wonderful berries".   That is the trick, my friend, in the midst of your hectic day, your fear and rage and exhaustion--look around you for the berries and just thoroughly enjoy them!!!

Live Happier Tip: Lessons Learned from My Cat

The other day I was watching my cat, Pooh and I realized--she has the life!  Talk about knowing how to Live Happier!  I was thinking if she knew how to talk, or if I knew how to understand her, I bet she would have some fabulous tips for us on how to Live Happier. So I decided to do a post--an ode to Pooh if you will (don't worry--soon I will be doing an Ode to Mocha my dog).

Pooh's Live Happier Tips:

Speak your needs.   Pooh is not very vocal (one of her finer features I might add) so when she cries it is usually because she needs something.  The two basics are love or food.  I know when she has a need and she has no problems expressing it.  Pooh is not going to sit quietly by while I forget to pet her or feed her--she will let it be known that she is NOT happy whether it be 3am or 3pm.  Pooh has developed the perfect balance--she is neither too needy nor a victim to her life she just speaks her need, and therefore it gets met.

Take care of the basics: eat, sleep, stay clean.  I think my cat would definitely say, keep it simple stupid. The key is in the basics.

Cuddling makes you feel better. Wherever there is a lap Pooh is laying on it.  She immediately knows when I have laid down to take a nap, or when I have sat down to watch TV, even when I am sitting working on my computer.  She has taught me that nothing is as healing as cuddling up and touching a living thing.  She always senses when I am sick or sad and she is there silently letting me know that cuddling heals all wounds.  It is true, we could all use a little more cuddle.

Sometimes you just need to hide. Every now and then Pooh will go into hiding--I will find her in a closet, under the bed or burrowed under the covers.  She has taught me that occasionally you need to shut out the world, cover up and do a little reconnecting with self.  She isn't ashamed or embarrassed or the least bit apologetic when I find her--if anything she is annoyed that I have interrupted her much needed regrouping time.

Be brave from time to time. I live in a house divided--my cat lives upstairs and my dog lives downstairs. This is mostly by Pooh's design.  She is very scared of Mocha.  However, occasionally she will branch out, make her way down the steps and creep across the living room floor for some cuddle time.  I never quite know what inspires this stealth maneuver--but it happens.  Each time it does I am so proud of her.  She is branching out.  Another great lesson, showing the importance of being brave--there is a time to hide and there is a time to branch.

Shutting off the Negative Voice

Last night I was having dinner with one of my best friends and we were doing the usual processing/venting/ sharing of our lives.  We hadn't had time to get together for awhile so there was MUCH to catch up on.  As we were talking, a common theme developed which was the way we talk to ourselves.  As my friend said isn't it amazing I would never talk to you that way yet I talk to myself like that all the time.  And I immediately thought (as I have a tendency to do these days) that would be a great blog post!

It is true--that little tiny voice in the back of our heads comes out and can just hammer us "you aren't good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, caring enough, tough enough, organized enough on and on and on".  And if we aren't aware of it that voice can quietly mutter all day long how terrible, weak, and pathetic we are until the mutter becomes like a megaphone and we just believe everything it says.  We would NEVER talk to our friends or our loved ones that way yet frequently we allow it to just hang out in our brain beating us down.

Fortunately my voice over the years has gotten quieter.  I can remember there was a time when I would feel like I was living with camera's in my house--everything was up for criticism: how late I slept, how clean my house was, how I chose to spend my time, how I looked, what I wore, who I talked to etc. I have become more aware of her (my voice is a her) and try to catch her before she gains too much influence.   However in the interest of full disclosure, this week my little voice has been out in full force just hammering away.  I heard her  talking earlier in the week and tried to shut her down but I didn't really focus on her until last night at dinner.  As I was expressing how I felt and what I was thinking my friend was able to say "whoa what's up with that negativity?" and I realized WOW--that little voice has gained some serious momentum.  What had started as maybe a 'helpful' hint or two had ended up being a full blown attack on my self esteem.

There are 1000 theories as to why we have that voice, some say it is our ego, or fear, or just a negative voice.  I am not here to debate why it is here I am here to decrease some of her power.  So as with anything (you might get sick of me saying it--but it is SO true) it starts with awareness.  We have to be aware of that little voice and the fact that she is talking smack. At first we might not notice her until we are talking to someone and we start using her language or maybe we notice how we physically feel.  I usually notice her because I feel more on edge I am more snappish with my friends/significant others because I feel defensive and hostile.  I notice I am more insecure, more scared, more grouchy.  For you those feelings might be different--the key is to figure out what they are.  When your voice is talking to you do you get sad?  scared? angry? feel tension in your neck? your stomach?  All those things will help you bring awareness to her.  Once you know she is there you can call her out. I just speak right to her and let her know I am done listening and for a time she quiets down.

Sometimes your awareness comes later--like me this week--she had been going all week long and I had just let her run amuck.  So today I decided I need to take some action.  I sat down and I wrote two lists:  one all the things in my life I am grateful for and two all the things I love about myself and my life.  WOW--what a fabulous list--fortunately it was long and lovely.  I just sat there reading in all the wonderful things I have in my life and I immediately felt better and the monster that had been pecking at me all week lost her power.

My challenge to you is start noticing that voice.  Unfortunately we can't get rid of the voice forever, it comes back from time to time so you have to be vigilant.  Pay attention to how you feel when you hear her/him.  Pay attention to when he/she occurs. Don't let her/him run around in your head unchecked.  Call her out.  Sit her down and show her who's in charge here.  It will help you Live Happier.

The Power of Language With Yourself

Words are extremely powerful and not just in how we talk to others. How we talk to ourselves can effect our mood, our goals, and our motivation. A few years ago, I started making small changes in how I used language in my every day life and I was amazed at the difference it made in my thoughts and emotions. Below are just a few examples of changes I have implemented.

But vs And: Over the past few years, I have implemented this change in how I talk and it has made a big difference in how I perceive situations. When we use the term but--we in essence negate everything we said before the but. For example, I really want to workout today BUT I have to get this report done. What that is saying is I don't really want to work out--when you add the but only one of the items can be true. Just notice how it changes when you say I really want to workout today AND I have to get this report done. By adding the and both items are true. When we use the term 'and' you give the possibility for both to happen. Another example: "I think your hair looks great BUT I liked it better short" Which sounds like a veiled insult versus "I think your hair looks great AND I liked it better short". Both are statements are true. Using the AND puts a natural pause in the sentence and allows both statements to have their space.

Yet: This word is one of my favorite additions to my vocabulary. Usually when we are talking about something we haven't done (and want to do) or a goal we want to accomplish we say I can't run 3 miles or I am not a successful attorney or I am not SEO savvy. When we add the term yet to these phrases it gives them hope, it gives them wings. So even if we aren't doing it now, in the future we will accomplish these goals. I can't run 3 miles yet (I will be able to in 6 months) I am not a successful attorney yet (I will be in if I keep working at it) I am not SEO savvy yet (I will be after I do more research).

You make me feel: A friend of mine pointed this one out to me recently when I said it to him 'you make me feel anxious and he looked at me and said I can't MAKE you feel anything. It was an old lesson for me but a good one. When we use the phrase "you make me feel" a certain way--we are taking away our own power, our responsibility, our emotions. We are basically saying we have no control over how we feel and that someone else can manipulate our feelings. In reality, no one can make us feel a certain way--we have control over how we feel and how we react. We can take responsibility for how we feel by saying "I feel sad because I didn't go to the party". Using I statements takes away the blame and puts the responsibility back on us as individuals to understand and care for our emotions.

Do you have any examples of how language use has made a difference in your life?

This stuff is HARD

Lately I have been struggling with the self help industry--the number of books and blogs and e-books that are out there to help us figure out how to feel better about ourselves/our lives/our relationships/our careers. It is incredible to me the sheer number of 'stuff' that is out there. I use to be a self help fanatic--thinking maybe if I bought THIS book or downloaded THIS pamphlet I would finally get control of my life and feel better. Finally I realized the books weren't going to help--yes they have good techniques and insights, but the bottom line is--this stuff is hard. Learning, growing, changing. trying to be a better person--all very hard!! It is hard to live in the present, be aware of your negative thoughts, engage in deep breathing, communicate your needs and push through your fear--all while eating healthy, doing some type of work out and just plan living your life!!! But I know when I try when I get up each morning and just TRY to implement one or two things I feel better--I am happier when I am intentional about my life--when I catch myself 'what ifing' or when I notice the beat down I am giving myself because I haven't accomplished what I thought I would. Do I do this every minute of every day? No way--do I do it most days, yes.

I guess I just needed to admit as someone who works in the 'self help' arena--there is no magic way to find happiness no magic 10 steps or magic book or magic pill for that matter. There is just honest to goodness struggle--being honest with ourselves and our significant others. Being aware of ourselves as we move through life and having genuine non-judgmental curiosity about ourselves and our friends/partners. There will be days when we hit the mark when we are present and centered and living all the self help principles. There will be days when we miss the mark completely--when we question if we have learned anything in this process. It is those days when we have learned the same life lesson for the 5th time and we wonder if we are really making any progress at all that we need to put away the baseball bat that we use to beat ourselves with and recognize this stuff is HARD and tomorrow is another day.

When life gets tough and you fall into bed exhausted give yourself a break and remember: Life is a process and we are all doing the best we can with what we know right now.

Unexplainable Bad Days

It is a cold, gray, rainy/snowy day in Ohio. The weather combined with the fact that it is a Monday after a 4 day holiday weekend and I have found myself in a bad mood. Bad moods sometimes just happen. You know the kind when you just wake up feeling crabby and you don't want to get out of bed. When you finally drag yourself out of the warm cozy bed everything appears to go wrong or maybe nothing goes wrong I just see it as ALL going wrong.

I was thinking today that many people believe (and I use to be one of them) that if they are living intentionally or on purpose they won't have bad days. The belief goes that if I am living my values, or trying to make choices that fit my intentions and long term goals--I won't have a bad day. But in reality we are human--there are going to be times when the weather is terrible and I have to work so I can't spend the day hanging with my friends and family. No matter what I do I can't change that--I have found the best way to handle a bad mood is to just admit I am in one. If I stop trying to 'cheer' myself up or talk myself out of it--it only gets worse. It is the days when I am intentional about my mood--when I am aware that I am in a MOOD and I just allow myself to feel it--to feel the sadness or anger or anxiety or frustration or annoyance. To just experience it. Today that included scribbling in my journal, crying, cranking up some 'bitter music' and just letting out my mood. It also included a workout which I DID NOT want to do but was a great release of my mood. So moral of the story is that unexplainable bad moods happen--it is our job as human beings to recognize our mood and make a choice about it--we can ignore it--stuff it with food/alcohol/shopping--'cheer ourselves' up or we can decide you know what today is a bad day so I am going to express my emotions safely and get through it.

As always a couple of caveats-when I say embrace your mood I don't mean kick the cat or yell at your partner. I mean accept the fact that today you aren't feeling it, and allow yourself to process the emotions as they come. Pay attention if anger comes up or fear or anxiety or sadness. Safely process your mood--talk to a friend, write in a journal, workout etc. Secondly unexplainable bad days do happen but if you have more than one or two in a row then perhaps something else is going and that is worth looking into with a professional.

The beauty of it is that tomorrow is another day.