Self Imposed Cages

One of my favorite books is called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.   In her book, she tells the story of Mohini a white tiger who lived at the Washington DC National Zoo.  For years, Mohini had a tiny little cell that he lived in.  Because it was so small--Mohini would just pace back and forth in his cell.  He would spend his days walking the same path, back and forth, back and forth, until it was a well worn path.  Finally, the zoo raised enough money and they were able to build a beautiful natural habitat for him with lots of grass and trees. There was a big opening and they let Mohini in to the new habitat and he immediately went to a far corner and started pacing back and forth back and forth. He did not explore his new surroundings or even look around he just found a spot and began pacing.

The first time I heard this story, I was listening to Tara speak at a conference. I was just blown away by the story. Stories do the best job of just shaking our core.  It was a wow moment for me, because I can remember where I was sitting, my reaction and how it felt to hear that story.   I realized that in my own life and in my clients lives we frequently keep ourselves in a cage unnecessarily.  We feel locked into something, we feel stuck, but the cage is imaginary.  If we would only look up and look around we could see the possibilities.  We would realize the cage is made up of our own limiting beliefs and negative self talk our own shoulds, and what-ifs.  The cage isn't real.

It some ways it is safe to live in a self imposed cage.  The cage gives us a place to put the blame and keeps us safe.  It prevents us from really having to take a risk, or to face our fears and our inner critic.     Unfortunately the pain comes in when we realize we have lived a life stuck on a path that we didn't really want, that we didn't really chose.  All we have to do is lift our heads up, look around and say to ourselves--do I like my path, is this where I want to be?  And if not--what is one change I can make? What is one little step I can take that will pull me off the path for a little while?  Do I want to take a class, get a massage, go dancing with my friends, take a trip, write a book, paint a picture? The possibilities are endless.

By the time Mohini made it to the larger more expansive habitat he was already beaten down enough to not even bother to look up and see the possibilities.  In order to prevent that in our own lives--we have to pay attention to our daily lives, and see where we might want to add some spice or make some changes.  We have to continually check our limiting beliefs, negative self talk and see if it is keeping us in a self imposed cage.  Living Happier is about exploring both our internal and external worlds to make sure we are living our lives to the fullest and not just stuck in a cage of our own making.

It's a big, vast, wonderful world. Go Exploring and Live Happier.

Finding Joy in the Midst of Pain.

I am a big fan of story telling--today I am sharing one of my favorites.  The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron tells the story of a woman running away from tigers.  As she runs, the tigers keep gaining on her.  When she comes to the edge of a cliff she sees some vines, so she climbs down and holds on to one of the vines for dear life.  Looking down, she sees tigers below.  Looking to the side, she sees a mouse gnawing at the vine to which she's clinging.  She also sees a beautiful bunch of strawberries, growing out of of the mountain just within her reach. She looks up.  She looks down.  She looks at the mouse.  Then she takes a strawberry. She puts it in her mouth and enjoys it thoroughly.  

Tigers above.  Tigers below.  Mice gnawing at our support system. How often have you felt like that?   The truth is, this is the predicament we all face, when we take time to look deeply.  Each moment could be our last.  We could become depressed or lackadaisical when we ponder this fact.  Or, we could choose to eat the strawberries within reach and delight in the joy of every single moment that we have. 

For me, this story is the crux for living happier.  Because you know what?  Life IS full of challenges, pain, sorrow, and exhaustion.  We are fighting off tigers and staring down mice all the time!  But at the same time life is full of little joys--watching the tricker treaters all dressed up, having a totally spectacular fall season this year, enjoying a glass of wine with a friend, laughing with my mom on the phone, watching a really good movie--I could go on and on.  In reality, I believe there is as much joy in the world as there is pain--sometimes it is just easier to see the pain.  A few years ago, my dad was in the hospital, it was a very scary, stressful time, fortunately he came out just fine.  The experience was full of pain, fear, anger, worry and exhaustion AND it was full of laughter, joy, sharing and love. It was one of the most traumatizing events in my family's history and there were tigers and mice AND berries.   

It takes a lot of focus and awareness to say to yourself "here I hang facing an imminent painful death and rather than fret and stew and panic I am going to reach over and enjoy my last few moments by tasting and enjoying these wonderful berries".   That is the trick, my friend, in the midst of your hectic day, your fear and rage and exhaustion--look around you for the berries and just thoroughly enjoy them!!!

Storytelling

Recently I was talking with a woman about dads (a little background on how we got on that subject--as we started talking her dad called and she answered it and their conversation reminded me of one of mine with my dad after she hung up I told her so) and she shared that her mom had just died a month ago. She shared (after I asked) that although her mom had been frail she died rather suddenly and her dad was now 'broken hearted'. What a sad story. The most amazing part was here she is sharing this story and was clearly having mixed emotions a. she needed to talk about it and b. she didn't want to burden a complete stranger--so common that we all are dealing with our own pain and burdens and frequently when we share our story with someone it sounds more like a news report or that we are talking about the weather then the fact that we are in major pain. It strikes me how rare it is to have people who REALLY listen to our stories without judgment or advice or wanting to share their story--just that concept of 'holding the space' for someone. Who do you have in your life how truly listens to your stories? Whose stories do you truly listen to?