The Question Isn't What's Next--It's How Do I Get There.

The rest of this week I am heading off with my nearest and dearest for a short vacation.  So I have reached back into the archives to share some of my oldies but goodies while I am gone! Enjoy!! This was originally posted in April 2010.

Frequently, I have clients who come to see me in the middle of a life transition. They have a number of decisions to make and don't know how to chose. Recently I had a client, Tess*, who was debating what she wanted to do next in her career. She had gone to college then to law school and had worked her way up in a law firm. She was making good money, working long hours and only somewhat enjoyed job. So she came in to see me wondering what's next.

Most people in transition, especially career transition, want a magical answer to come externally--they want a test or a therapist to tell them what they SHOULD be doing next. Usually this is because they have been so beaten down or discouraged by the decisions they have made so far they don't trust themselves. Ironically, as with Tess, the decisions they have made to this point have been made because of external influences--maybe she took a career test in college or a professor said she would make a great lawyer. The one thing she hadn't done was listen to herself. So in one of our first sessions she came in feeling very anxious and was spinning about what to do next and I just asked her "what do you want to do?" and she just looked at me, her face lit up and said "I want to work with children who have been abused". And I said "Ok, let's work on that" and she looked at me startled.

It is my theory that it isn't that we don' t know what to do next it is that we are scared to say it out loud. In the quiet moments, we can hear our intuitive selves tell us what we want to do but we are scared of admitting it, of failure, of being laughed at, of a million other things. However, we waste A LOT of time spinning on the WHAT rather then facing the fear and moving to the HOW.

So Tess and I began working on the HOW--we started small with just getting her comfortable with the dream--talking about it in session and then talking about it with some safe friends and then slowly exploring how she could accomplish the dream. It was a process, but now Tess is working in a job she loves and is living happier.

We spend a lot of time in the 'what's next' place because it is safe to stay there, it doesn't require anything but a mental debate. I believe we intuitively know what's next we are just scared to face it. We need to slowly start engaging with ourselves, facing the fear (either with friends, family or a therapist) and using baby steps move towards the how.

My question to you: Where in your life do you getting stuck spinning on the "what's next?" rather than slowly facing the fear of "how do I get there?"

*Name and details have been changed to maintain confidentiality

Behold the Power of Drama

Ah Drama! If I did a poll of 100 people--98% of them would say they strongly dislike drama. So why does it still exist? Why do we get caught up in our friends drama, or even from time to time manufacture our own? You know what I mean, when we start obsessing about an innocent conversation we had with our partner and by the end of the day have turned it into a major issue, or we listen to our friend go on and on about a 'look' their boss gave them and how that look means they are going to get fired!

As much as it is annoying and we claim to hate it drama is so easy to get trapped in. It is like the Hoover vacuum of communication before you know it you are sucked in.

So what is it's appeal, you ask? Drama gives us something exciting to talk about (albeit most of the time it is totally fabricated) and similar to TV or a movie it allows us to disengage from the reality of our lives and focus on the production in our heads.

However we can't stay in this imaginary world--so really all drama does is increase our anxiety about an event that isn't really happening and disengages us from the events in our life that DO need our attention. For example, a client of mine recently realized that rather than deal with her father's recent life altering health diagnosis she was making up drama with her partner. So in essence rather than dealing with her father's health and the anxiety that comes with that in a healthy way (e.g. talking to friends and family, meditation, exercise) she was disengaging and channeling her anxiety into picking fights and making up issues with her partner.

By avoiding drama we can start engaging in the reality of our lives and start facing real issues: dealing with our anxiety, looking at the areas that need our attention, loving our friends and family and being grateful for the fabulous parts of our lives.

So my challenge to you in the next week--just notice when you get stuck in the drama and have some curiosity about why it is appealing to you and what areas of your life might you be trying to avoid?

Putting on Your Big Girl Pants

Sometimes in life we find ourselves at a spot where we realize we need to put on our 'big girl pants'--we need to step up, take an action, make a change. I had a client who came into see me because she was at a crossroads in both her relationship and her career. During our sessions, it became apparent that over the past few years she had been floating through life--allowing her partner to take care of her, allowing her job to just exist, she wasn't really actively engaged in her life.

Unfortunately, I frequently find that in my practice--women who have given up on their lives either out of fear, numbness, or have just been beaten down enough that they have lost their energy to engage. Over our sessions she began to get more and more empowered, figuring out what she needed/desired, what direction she wanted her life to take. Finally it became obvious that she need to make some changes in her life--needed to start implementing her desires and needs. After much discussion about what she wanted to do and how to do it she turned to me and said "You know what I just need to put on my big girl pants and get out there". I loved that expression! She was right--we used that analogy a lot in her sessions and I continue to use it with my clients. I absolutely love the power of analogy. Frequently in my sessions, I will use a symbol or a story to help illustrate a challenging topic and this was the perfect analogy!

At first her big girl pants were uncomfortable and didn't fit right and then eventually she got use to them. She got use to asking for what we need, living her life intentionally based on her own expectations not someone else's. So over the next few weeks she kept trying on her big girl pants and you could see the energy in her change. Each week she would come into my office and would share a story of when she had her big girl pants on and what she had done. And we would talk about the difference between the times she was wearing her big girl pants and the times she wasn't. Eventually she began to feel that difference of when she was acting from her big girl place and when she was acting from her little girl place She could tell the insecure, scared part of her--her little girl-- "you know what I got this--I can take care of you, I can speak my needs and be a grown up."

Finally at one of our last sessions she said to me "you know I came in wearing my little girl dress and now I am wearing big girl pants". So true! She made some major life changes during out time together and came out living a life that she wanted and that fed her soul. She was totally living happier!!!

Even in myself I notice when I start acting anxious, insecure, doubtful, scared that I have put on my little girl dress and I remind myself I am a big girl. I give my little girl (my insecurities and doubts) and quick hug, put on my big girl pants and say "I got this".

Where in your life are you still wearing your little girl clothes?

It is true: Assume makes an ass of u and me

As a child one of my dad's favorite sayings was 'assume makes an ass of you and me'. Perhaps that is why I am such a clarifier as adult.

Last week I was working with a client who suffers from anxiety. One of her biggest complaints is that her anxiety increases and she gets her feelings hurt when she has an expectation for someone and they don't follow through/meet her expectation. During the session she stated that she rarely is honest with people about what she needs. Frequently she wants to be seen as the 'laid back' chill person when really she is someone who has pretty precise expectations when it comes to time and deadlines. The problem comes when she doesn't state these expectations to her friends/co-workers and they, ASSUMING that she is laid back and chill don't hit her expectations and then she becomes hurt and lashes out and they are confused.

I have noticed this in my own life--where I wanted to be perceived one way and tried to change myself to fit that image. So I didn't share my needs with significant people and ASSUMED they would mind read what I wanted/needed. And unfortunately that doesn't happen (oh wouldn't it be wonderful if it did).

So basically there are 2 problems here which I think create increased anxiety. One: We need to be accepting of ourselves. We can't all be super laid back. There are people in the world who like to hit deadlines, who need to be timely. These are valuable, necessary talents. When we accept ourselves for who we are and stop pretending anxiety naturally decreases because we are living genuinely.

Two: We need to be honest with ourselves and other people about what we need. We can't ASSUME or expect them to become mind readers. We need to tell them what we need, what our deadlines are etc. Yes, initially this might increase anxiety because it is a new muscle we are stretching. But I promise if you put away the crystal ball and start to eliminate the desire to ASSUME your life will become much happier!!

The power of breathing

One thing I always encourage my clients to do is breathe. Yes--I know it is something we do naturally. But how often do you really pay attention to your breath? Really take a big belly breath where you fill your lungs to full capacity?!?! I am constantly amazed that the practice of pausing and taking 3 deep belly breaths can dramatically change my demeanor--It can take me from a level 10 stress down to a level 3--it can help me feel more centered and aware.

Frequently the idea to take 3 deep breaths is completely foreign to us. One of the best ways I have found to increase awareness around my breath is to add a breathing ritual into my day. Rituals help me become more aware of when I need to breathe. I encourage my clients to take 3 deep breaths whenever they are at a stop sign, or whenever they sit down at their desk, or before they walk in the door to their house. By having specific times of the day when you take 3 deep breaths who become more aware of how your body is feeling--then you will notice more readily when you need to take deep breaths throughout the day. Try it--I promise it will make a difference in decreasing your anxiety and helping you live happier.