Let's Talk About It

Earlier this week I wrote a blog about women living their lives at half steam because of the relationships in their lives.  While I thought it might strike a cord with some people I was surprised to see with whom. Even though I was writing about and for women, I have had more responses from men then women.  I had men e-mail me, men respond via facebook and the men in my life (including my nearest and dearest) weigh in on the subject.

I have to admit I thought I might hear from some men.  But I thought I would hear, "what about us...we sacrifice our dreams for relationships". Because that is true...we all sacrifice for our relationships.  But what I heard from the men out there, warmed my heart and was pleasantly surprising.  They said, "I don't want the women in our lives to feel this way" "I want them to have a life that makes their heart sing, including their job" I have to admit it gave me a lot of hope about the relationships in the world--these men who are wanting to support and encourage the women in their lives.

So it got me thinking about this epidemic the idea that we are living half lived lives because we feel too many SHOULDs or IF ONLYs.  Because we are waiting until we meet our partner, have kids, the kids grow up, or even retirement to fulfill our dreams we are missing out on a lot of life.  A lot of time.

I believe step one is to start talking about it. Let's start asking ourselves and each other--am I happy?  am I putting my life on hold for my relationships?  And if the answer is yes, what small changes can I make to live differently.  I am not advocating for us all to leave our families and head back to the workforce or plow full speed ahead into our careers and forget our dreams of finding a mate and building a family.  I am advocating having a conversation with yourself and those closest to you.  Let's start sharing what's holding us back from making our heart's sing and maybe together we can come up with a plan.

The male responses to my blog post made me realize again that we are in this together, we are all trying to do the best we can with what we have, we are trying to support each other.  Sometimes we just don't know how.

I believe, by living a life that is authentic, genuine, and honest we can live happier and work happier.  First step--speak your truth.

*******************

Need some help expanding your definition of self and what makes you happier?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Losing Your Happiness in Your Relationships

Imagine the scenario:  Two women are sitting on the subway both with a free hour to contemplate their lives. The first woman is in her late 30s, married with 3 kids and silently wishes to herself that she had more time for herself.  She graduated from college, and had her own career when she met her now husband. Shortly after they were married she had her first child and quit her job to stay at home with her children She knew she never really wanted to be a career women, so it was ok that she didn't love her job anymore.   Now eight years later her children are beyond needing her 24/7 but she has no idea what she wants to do for a career so she keeps devoting herself to her children.  When she is honest with herself she admits she wants more then just being a wife and mother but doesn't know what's next, she doesn't know what would make her heart sing.

The second woman,  is also in her late 30s she has never been married and although she has had a series of long term relationships.  She has a job that is so-so but when she is honest with herself she really wanted to get married and have kids.  Basically she has put her dreams and aspirations on hold waiting to get married and have a family.  However, now she realizes that getting married and having kids might not be in the cards for her so she needs to start figuring out what career would make her heart sing.

Both of these scenarios have become more common in my practice--women who are admitting to themselves and to me that they want more our of life, they want to work happier.

What strikes me about both of these scenarios, is the amount of SHOULDS that are felt by each of the women.  On one hand, woman one feels incomplete for 'settling' into mommydom and losing herself to her kids. And then she feels selfish for thinking she wants more out of her life than her kids.  She wanted to be a mom shouldn't that be enough? So in order to avoid the plethora of negative voices, she keeps plugging along being mom and not ever facing the pain and loss of not figuring out what would truly make her happier.  Woman two, feels bad for 'settling' in a unfulfilling job while she waited to find a partner and have children.  She feels like less of a woman because she is waiting 'for a man' but also because she can't fulfill the one thing in her life she wants...a family.  Both women are silently hammering themselves for the choices they are making based on their dreams, relationships and aspirations in their lives.

The thing about should messages is that they breed shame and guilt which in turn breed silence and isolation.  Whatever your story or scenario when you start hiding parts of yourself we can't possible live and work happier.  My hope in writing this post was that women of all relationship statuses could start supporting each other on the fact that they want to live and work happier PERIOD.  We all want to live our best lives, be our best selves and when we are hammering ourselves with should messages we are pigeon holing ourselves into mediocrity.  Life is meant to be rich and colorful and made up of a variety of roles....mothers, girlfriends, partners, lovers, wives, friends, aunts, nieces, employee, entrepreneur, artist or athlete. The trick is to embrace them all.

What SHOULDS are you feeling?  How are you challenging yourself to live and work happier within your relationships?

****************

Need some help expanding your definition of self and what makes you happier?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

A Strong Person Knows How to be Vulnerable

Last week I received an e-mail forward, I admit I usually don't read them but this one entitled A Strong Person intrigued me.   The first line said--A Strong Person knows how to keep their life in order.  Even with tears in their eyes, they manage to say, "I'm OK" with a smile.  As I read that line I immediately cringed.  It has taken me years to resolve my own internal war over the definition of a strong person.  From my German heritage to our Puritan Culture I was repeatedly told 'put on your brave face', 'stay strong'.  A STRONG person doesn't let them see you sweat, a STRONG person puts on a front and pretends all is well when in reality they are crumbling,

Well I call BS on that statement. This idea of being STRONG has caused many of us to live lives of quiet desperation.  To 'suck it up' rather then ask the question, how can I do it differently?  To put all their energy into 'looking ok' they never have the chance to really experience the emotions and grow from them.  In my mind a strong person, admits it's hard, a strong person allows themselves to have a good long cry, screaming match or hissy fit. A strong person expresses the necessary emotions and allows themselves to feel the vulnerability and lack of control.  A strong person admits everything is not ok, and asks for help when necessary.  A strong person shows there emotions AND picks up the pieces and moves on.  A strong person does BOTH.

Because when we don't experience the emotions, don't express the pain in the presence of another person and have a witness to our lives and our experience, we can't grow from it, we can't spiral up.  When we suck it up, say "I'm OK with a smile", then we aren't being genuine human beings.

Sometimes life is hard, sometimes we are dealt a series of blows, sometimes we are exhausted, tired, frustrated and just plain sad.  It is in those times we need to admit our struggles, admit our exhaustion and lean on those close to us for a little support.  Strength comes from vulnerability not from bravery.

The times in my life when the most changes have occurred are those times when I have been on my knees, crying in exhaustion, weak and vulnerable and I have said I need to find a different way.  Tired and weary from 'being strong" I have allowed myself to admit my weakness and then I have sought to make a change.

Living Happier means experiencing the ying and yang of life.  Being 'strong' and being 'vulnerable' both in their own time.  When we are too much of any one thing we miss out on the richness of life.  When we get stuck in our fear we aren't serving ourselves anymore then when we are stuck in our strength--but we need to experience BOTH to move through life in a healthier, happier way.

What do you think?  What does the phrase Be Strong mean to you?

*****************

Wanting to Live and Work Happier?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

How Facebook is Normalizing Work Place Misery

I admit I am addicted to Facebook--for some reason I just really enjoy checking other people's status' seeing what they are up to.  I am not a big sharer about my status or what I am doing but I like to follow other people. (you can follow me here)  However, recently I have really noticed the trend of work place complaining.  More specifically the trend of celebrating workplace misery.

Around every water-cooler in America there has always been 'a countdown to the weekend' vibe.  But Facebook takes it to a whole new level.  Monday morning's start out with the inevitable "I hate Mondays" status updates and then Wednesday is the traditional "welcome to hump day" messages and then Thursday and Friday have the "almost the weekend" messages.  When I really started paying attention to it I realized, we are a nation miserable at our jobs.  Not a huge realization mind you, but the part that really bothered me was how much Facebook normalizes that sentiment.  One of my friend's laments how much they hate Monday morning and within 30 minutes 10 people are 'liking' that post.  Really, liking the fact that you are miserable in your job? Liking that fact that the main place you spend your time makes you miserable??  Liking that in all honesty only 2 days out of your week you are truly happy?

In essence Facebook is a place to gain support, share your victories and your misery but misery becomes the celebrated status quo I have to question it.  If someone repeatedly posted that they hated their wife/partner there would be an out cry of 'do something about it!' 'stop complaining' but for some reason in our society hating on your job is not only acceptable it is socially 'cool'.

When you think about it we spend 40+ hours of our week at our jobs, that is 1,960 hours a year (assuming you take 2 weeks vacation and all the national holidays) and 78,400 hours over 40 years.  Almost 22% of our lives between the ages of 25 and 65 are spent at work.  Why would we want to be unhappy for 22% of our lives?

In all honesty, it's not about posting status' on Facebook it has nothing to do with Facebook.  It is paying attention to how we talk, what we complain about and how we can make it better.  If you find yourself counting down to the weekend, LIVING for Friday night, dreading Monday mornings it is time to make a shift.

Today I am writing to break the trance of common misery.  To break the cycle of not only being unhappy about what you are doing for a living but celebrating that fact with other people.  If you are unhappy in your work let's take a look at that--let's find something better to do, a better way to make money, a better way to spend 22% of your adult years.  Let's find a way to make you work happier!!!

Want to follow me on Facebook??  Click here to join my Fan Page.

*****************

Tired of dreading the work week?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

It's Not Just About Career

This is a re-print of an article that I wrote for my newsletter this week. Enjoy!!  Click here to sign up for my bi-monthly newsletter. 

I adore being a career counselor, it is my calling, my gift and my passion. Helping people figure out what makes their heart sing and then guiding them down the path to achieving it is an amazing career.
Honestly people come see me for a variety of reasons, they are unhappy in their jobs, fed up by their job search, frustrated by their career path or just downright unhappy. Regardless of why, people are unhappy in their careers and so they seek out help. But what I have found is life is not a series of silos. We aren't divided into career, family, personal relationships, or friendships. We are all connected, if we are unhappy at work we are probably unhappy at home. If we have low confidence at work we probably take some of that home (whether through stress, exhaustion or anxiety). So our lack of fulfillment in our career effects all areas of our life. Therefore when people are not working happier they are not living happier. Their desire to come see me is not JUST about their career. It is my job as a career counselor to help people live and work happier in their career while also seeing the big picture that life is inter-connected.

To that same degree, frequently finding the perfect job or right career is only one-quarter of the battle. It is a fabulous exciting time full of self exploration, dreaming big, looking at values, passions and somedays. And then we find it, we figure out what would make your heart sing. Then the true work begins. This time is when people start diving into their job search, working on your resume and/or applying to grad schools. That is when people start battling the fear monger, the self doubt, the low confidence and anxiety that comes up.

When I first started my career counseling practice, I only worked with helping people figure out what makes their heart sing. I didn't work with resume, job search or grad school applications. And then I realized, my clients were only getting a quarter of the way to Living and WOrking Happier. Much of the tough stuff comes up once the decision is made. The challenges arise after we figure out what makes your heart sing.

Career Counseling is so much more than just figuring out your next career. It is determining what you value, what you are passionate about, what makes your heart sing. It is facing the fears, doubts and 'what-ifs' to find a job that your a passionate about. It is about building a support system, life balance and a self care system. It is about having a guide, advocate and counselor help you through the entire process. It is about Working AND Living Happier!!

*****************

Having trouble finding your smile lately?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What Makes You Smile?

Photo credit to D. Sharon Pruitt

Today for Wondering Wednesday we are going back to basics.  Take a deep breathe (or 2 or 3) and think about the last time you genuinely smiled.  What were you doing?  Think about all the activities, people, hobbies, work or interests that you engage in throughout the day/week/years and pay attention to those that make you smile.  A true genuine, feel it in the pit of your stomach smile--not the fake, smile until you make it smile, but a real smile.  I'm just asking for a smile here, not a full out giddy celebration just a smile.  What makes you feel better about life? What touches you to the point it can be seen on your face?  What allows you to relax enough that your expression change?

Maybe it is playing in the surf and sand, hanging with certain friends,  thinking about a loved one, crawling into a warm, soft bed, curling up with a good book and a glass of wine, working out, doing yoga or just feeling the warm sun on your face.

The beauty of this question is it makes us more aware of our bodies, our joy and our life happiness.  When you start paying attention to what makes you smile, you can A. start enjoying those times more and being more aware of them and B. start adding more 'smiling' time into your day to day life.

Smiling is a gift we give ourselves and those close to us.  It is contagious and joyful.  Smiling makes us live and work happier :)

So what 5 things make your smile?  Share them in the comments....I'll go first.

*****************
Having trouble finding your smile lately?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Life is like a Jar of Peanut Butter

The other day my nearest and dearest and I were talking about peanut butter.  Really we were talking about all the various types of peanut butter that are available these days vs. when we were growing up.  When I was little you could get creamy or crunchy.  I can vaguely remember when they came up with the peanut butter and jelly combo in one jar--but other than that it was pretty basic.  Today you can get creamy, crunchy, natural, sugar-free and low fat.  Not to mention the various other 'butters':  almond butter, cashew butter and even sunflower seed butter!!  And we haven't even tapped in to all the brand names and butter makers.

So what does the addition of all sorts of peanut butters have to do with working happier you ask?  Well in our home all things lead to careers--and this one actually came from my nearest and dearest.  As we were standing in the living room discussing how far butters have come he turned to me and said 'it's like careers!'  And I looked puzzled at him and he went on to explain how when we were younger the 'career options' were equally as limited (Especially for women but I'm not going to get in to that in this blog) Growing up we could be nurses, teachers, fire fighters or doctors.  Our options were more limited:  we could be salespeople, mail people, veterinarian or dentists.  At that point, massage therapists, counselors, life coaches, SEO experts or holistic healers either didn't exist or weren't well known.

Unfortunately we still get stuck in creamy vs. crunch we still limit ourselves to what we knew as a child. But today we have more variety, more options and more choices.  If you allow yourself to dream big and look beyond the standard every day job options we can find new/different jobs that might make your heart sing.

The beauty of living and working happier is being open to the variety that is available to us.  When we can get beyond the 'standard options' we can expand our thoughts, expand our options and therefore expand our lives.

*****************

Want to figure out what your options are?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: In what areas of your life do you need to slow down and savor?

Today is Wondering Wednesday--the day of the week that we discuss a question that makes you go hmmm.  Today's Wondering Wednesday is in what areas of your life do you need to slow down?



This questions is insprired by the video above that a friend of mine introduced to me about slowing down.  Actually it was created in Australia as a public service announcement to get drives to stop speeding, but they went about it in a totally unique way.  They actually display the benefits of slowing down, the positives of moving at a slower pace.

As I watched the video I thought of there areas where I operate on full speed, where I push myself too hard.  One obviously is the car, I tend to be a speeder.  I confess the biggest area I speed through is in my business, I tend to try to check things off the list, accomplish goals and set new ones with minimal time for celebration.  Unfortunately because I am moving so fast sometimes I miss those celebrations, I miss figuring out where I want to go next or what transition I want to make.  I get so far ahead of myself that I lose the joy and the passion in my career.  I think this happens to all of us, we get so caught up in 'what's next,' or our to-do list we forget the true reason we started the to-do list in the first place.

Fortunately, there are definitely times I pause, when I meet with a client, eating dinner with my nearest and dearest, walking my dog through the neighborhood, or having coffee with a friend.  The trick is adding more of these times into my life so I have natural 'slow down' spots in my life.  So when I get amped up too much in my business I can stop and regroup.

I wanted to share this video as a reminder that slowing down, savoring and truly enjoying it is what allows us to live happier.  It allows us to pause, reflect and gives us time to figure out what moves we might need to make next to build happier lives.

So where do you need to implement some 'slow spots' into your life?  What are some ways you slow yourself down?

Please feel free to share in the comment section--I'll go first...

*****************

Want to figure out what truly matters to you?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Happiness isn't Overrated--Our Definition is.

Credit: Is Happiness Overrated?  WSJ

A few weeks ago my mom passed an article to me from the Wall Street Journal called:  Is Happiness Overrated?   There are a lot of books, articles, speakers talking about how happiness is overrated.  Mostly from what I can tell the one thing this messages all have in common is their definition of happiness.

The idea that we can one day experience joy 24/7 have moments of sheer bliss and excitement is in my opinion a myth. The idea isn't to be utterly blissed out all the time.  The idea is to experience life with as much purpose, awareness and honesty as possible.  I think we hit a snag when we believe that we can maintain the pleasure and joy that comes from achieving a goal, winning a prize, and buying a new house, every day of our lives.

The bottom line, life is challenging, there is death, destruction, tsunamis, nuclear disasters all mixed in with promotions, births, marriages, new jobs and the experience of a really fantastic meal with good friends.

I don't believe happiness is overrated--I believe our definition of happiness is overrated.  I am not saying we need to start 'settling'.  Quite the opposite I believe we need to start engaging.  Stop striving for that next taste of happiness and start engaging with what we have now.  Start embracing our lives with curiosity and awareness.  Figuring out our sense of purpose, our reason for being on this planet and going after that full tilt, according to research THAT makes us happy.  But when we are constantly 'chasing' the ever allusive happiness, we miss the every day joys of dinner with your nearest and dearest, the greeting of your dog first thing in the morning, the first feel of sunshine through your sunroof in the Spring or simply crawling in to bed at the end of the day.

According to Dr. Diener a professor at the University of Illinois--Happiness comes from a focus on relationship and doing the work that you love!!   Living and Working Happier--embracing the life you have while discovering the life that makes your heart sing--that's happiness in my book.

*****************

Want to start working happier?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start figuring out how to help you live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What strategies do you use to handle stress?

Life is stressful. Day to day stressors can be enough to overwhelm us, and then from time to time we are thrown bigger more exhausting life stressors to deal with on top of that.  From finding your perfect career to doing a job search the process of change can be exhausting.  I admit lately, for myself I have been pretty stressed with life and this morning decided I need to remind myself of some stress relievers to ease the overwhelm.  So since it is Wondering Wednesday I thought I would throw it out to my readers too and ask--What do you do when you are feeling overwhelmed by life?  What are some methods you use to calm yourself down?

Here are some general ideas I use on a regular basis:
Talk to friends:  My friends are an invaluable resource.  Reaching out and gaining support (as well as enjoying a little laughter) can go a long way in easing the stress.

Move your Body: Whether it is a hard core workout or taking the dog for a walk, get out of the house, out of the stress and move your body. Our bodies release natural stress reducing chemicals that can help relax us.

Breathe: Sometimes in the midst of stress we forget to take deep breathes.  I have to regularly implement the take three deep breaths mantra into my daily life.

Regroup:  For me when I am stressed I need time alone, time to regroup.  Time to read, veg in front of the TV, or play mindless video games. Time to just be.

Treat yourself;  Maybe it is a warm bubble bath, a glass of wine (not the whole bottle, mind you, just a glass) a piece of chocolate or a favorite movie.  Something that let's you feel special and supported.

I would love to get some ideas for how you deal with stress?  What do you do to unwind, relax, and regroup?  See you in the comments section.

The Beauty of Learning and Re-Learning

Marilyn had spent many hours sitting at the bedside of her dying mother. . .most of the time Marilyn’s mother remained unconscious. . .One morning before dawn, she suddenly opened her eyes and looked clearly and intently at her daughter. “You know,” she whispered softly, “all my life I thought something was wrong with me". Shaking her head slightly, as if to say, “what a waste”, she closed her eyes and drifted back into a coma.-

--From the Book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

I think I have read this quote a million times, ok maybe more like 25 but still I have read it frequently and every time I read it takes my breath away.  Such a tragic statement--but so universal.  How many of us walk through life thinking something is wrong with us??  That we aren't strong enough, happy enough, smart enough , cute enough etc. What amazes me most about this quote is that every time I read it I have the same wow moment, the same feeling of tragedy and sadness and then the same thought of I don't want this to happen to me.  And then I go forth in my life, having good days and bad days and a few months later I pick up this book, read this line and think Oh my--that is so profound...I don't want that to happen to me and I have a similar 'ah-ha' moment.  Discouraging no?  I would actually argue no--well I would actually argue yes with a caveat.  Yes, it  can be discouraging that sometimes we need to be reminded repeatedly about an old lesson.  It can be discouraging that we feel like we are re-learning things over and over.   In reality, we are what I call spiraling up--we might be learning the same lesson again--but we are only learning bits of it again, not the whole lesson.  Now we are learning the lesson from where we are now vs where we were before.

The first time I read Tara's book Radical Acceptance the whole notion that I was lovable, worth valuable period was radical.  I remember writing it down on a piece of paper and looking at it each morning with a sense of wonder.  I couldn't imagine a day when I wouldn't think something was wrong with me.  Today I read that quote and I am reminded of the times that I feel something is wrong with me, they come in from time to time but they don't stick around for days or weeks on end.  The concept that I am lovable as is--isn't foreign or new to me, it is something that I may need a gentle reminder about from time to time.  So each time I read this quote I am reading it with new eyes, a fresh look at a familiar topic. An reminder of an old lesson from a new place.   

This quote serves to remind us is that we all have these thoughts, we all think we are unworthy and unlovable.  What I spend a majority of my job doing is helping people figure out not what they want to do for a career but helping them get out of their own way, helping them believe they are worthy of having a career that makes their heart sing.  And I do believe fear, doubt and pain are all part of the human condition. As are hope, excitement, joy, desire, passion and happiness.  The key is experiencing both--finding the yin and yang experiencing the pain without letting it hold us back from embracing the the joy and happiness. 

So here is to spiraling up and embracing the learning and re-learning that happens every day!! Here's to changing the notion from something is wrong with me to I am a wonderful work in progress, learning and re-learning every day!!

Wondering Wednesday: What are your rules?

Yesterday morning I was chatting with my nearest and dearest about the insane number of rules I have in my life.  Every now and then I catch myself living unconsciously, reverting back to the old habit of beating myself up for all the rules I am not following.  Most of my rules start out like this: Good people.... So I might say good people get up before 8pm, good people always read the paper, good people write their blogs first thing in the morning, good people respond to e-mails right away.  So today's Wondering Wednesday question is what are your rules?  What rules do you have that 'guide your life'?  These rules can be rigid to free flowing, simple to complex.  They appear unconsciously and they guide your life.

Yesterday I made it a point to listen to how many rules play in my head through out the day.   When I heard one I would say it out loud.  Fortunately, my nearest and dearest is a wonderful, patient man who listened each time I would discover a new rule.  Throughout the day I asked various friends, family, even clients what rules they made up for themselves and without much of a pause they litanied off 2 or 3 various rules.  The fascinating thing about these rules is that for some people the rule might be: good people get up early while others might have the complete opposite rule: good people sleep until they are well rested.  THAT is the infallibility of these rules--they are illogical 'rules', messages we received years ago that we have swallowed hook line and sinker and now we believe them without even thinking about it.

As I started saying my rules out loud I realized that I really was setting myself up to lose because I never celebrated once I hit one of the rules--I only beat myself up if I didn't,  So there was no winning in my rule game--only losing.  What fun is that??  A game you can never win--TOTALLY exhausting.    I believe unconsciously we create these rules in some strange way to help guide us through the grayness of life.  As humans we want to know right and wrong, black and white--and one of the great human struggles is in reality there are no absolute, there is just a lot of gray.  So we create these rules to help make sense of the gray.  I believe on some level we are trying to help ourselves deal with the stress of life with these rules, which is why the more stressed we are the more rules seem to appear.  Based on childhoods, personality types and life experience some of us are worse rule creators than others.  I confess it is a problem that I continually work on.

I am amazed how frequently clients come in and are stuck on a certain career or refuse to choose a certain career--simply based on their rules.  They have a rule that going back to school at 40 is a failure, changing careers is wrong or they really want to be a nurse but all nurses are mean because they had a nurse once who was mean.  Regardless of WHY the rules are there, they have rules that limit their lives. Much of my work is bringing these rules to light and helping clients build awareness around them.

So today we are bringing our rules our into the open--the only way to defeat them is to start noticing them.  To start announcing them out loud whether to your nearest and dearest, to yourself in the car or in the comment section of this blog.  We have to start announcing our rules so we can begin to see the absurdity of this black and white thinking. I guarantee the more people that share the more people will have different rules about the same thing.  Because here is the kicker--life doesn't really have a right way and a wrong way--it doesn't matter if you get up early, or sleep in until noon--we are all doing the best we can with what we have, trying to live happier more fulfilling lives--so give yourself a break and remember you are good, no matter what!!!

Please feel free to share in the comment section--I'll go first...

*****************

Want to stop living your life based on irrational rules?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Work Happier Spotlight: Tara Sophia Mohr

Today I am so excited to bring you my first ever audio Work Happier Spotlight.  An interview with Tara Sophia Mohr.  Tara is a life coach and writer, I have been following her blog Wise Living for awhile now and I find it extremely inspirational.

Tara has an interesting background--getting a degree in Poetry and from Yale and then her MBA from Stanford she brings a wonderful combination of the mystical and the practical into her work.

In the interview we discuss the power of fear in our lives as well as the issue of playing small vs. playing big.  The interview is packed full of great information and also was a great challenge to the perfectionist in me to just go with it when glitches arose--you will hear what I mean.

Speaking of playing big--Tara is getting ready to launch a fantastic program called--Playing Big--which I am totally excited to be taking participating in.  You can too!  By clicking here.

Find out more about facing your fears, the power of the fear monger and Tara's new on-line course by clicking the play button below.

Click below to listen--the interview runs about 25 minutes.

If you are reading this via e-mail, click here to access the interview on the web.

Click here for more information

Blog posts we refer to during this interview.

A Lesson in Facing my Fear Monger

The Suffering of Fear

What is your Fear Monger Saying to You

Defeating the Fear Monger

Attack of the Fear Monger

Wondering Wednesday What makes your heart sing?

In the spirit of following our hearts, living our lives with passion and letting go of the voice that says we are selfish, today's Wondering Wednesday question is what makes your heart sing?  What makes you absolutely giddy?  What causes you to get up off the couch and lose track of time for hours at a time?  It could be something as small as reading a good book to teaching students the quadratic equation.  Whatever it is the first step is to name it, then pay attention to what it feels like when you engage in it, figure out what you specifically enjoy about it and finally figure out how to add more of it to your life!!

The more we engage in activities that make our heart sing obviously the happier we are in our lives.  Duh--it seems so simple, but in reality even though we know this principle we have a hard time implementing it.  Life gets in the way...we get tired... beaten down... busy with other things... and we forget what it felt like to be engaged in life from the heart.  We forget the utter joy that comes from living with passion.  For most of us we only allow this feeling when we are on vacation--maybe you allow yourself to get lost in a really good mystery novel, or you spend hours studying the modern art in a museum, or your could swim for hours with the fish.  We all know the feeling...and we deny ourselves that joy.

Once I started paying attention to what makes my heart sing and adding it to my life--I stopped saying to myself I SHOULD be happy--because it was then that I knew what made ME happy and I started to figure out how to implement.  And still to this day after years of practicing, I get caught up in my to do list or my SHOULDs and I have to remind myself to get back to basic and go back to what I love.  I sometimes have to physically pull myself off my treadmill (and thankfully have good friend who will pull me off too) and start adding 'heart singing activities'.

It is all a process and the process starts with naming;  What makes your heart sing??  Feel free to share it in the comments section below--I'll go first!

*****************

Hot off the presses...the March Work Happier Newsletter-check it out!!!  Need some help figuring out your what makes your heart sing?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

When Did Working Happier Become Selfish??

Recently I have had a few clients say to me that they want to live a life that makes their heart sing--they want to go back to school, start a different job, take on a new challenge but they are are afraid that they are being selfish.  Yes, selfish.  The idea that doing what you love, going after your dream and living a life that you are passionate about is selfish makes me so sad.  According to Webster Dictionary selfish means; concerned excessively or exclusively for oneself; seeing or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure or well-being without regard for others.  

Somewhere a long the line we got the idea confused that if we change our life direction, spice up our lives, make a shift, or even do what's best for us (even if it's out of the norm) we are being selfish.  WRONG.  For example, here's Sharon.*  Sharon has 2 children age 4 and 7. She is active in her children's lives and enjoys being a mother who participates in her children's day to day activities.  She has taken the safe traditional route, graduated from college, gotten a quality job and now works part time to take care of the children.  She woke up recently and asked herself is there more out there?  I want to live my life with more passion and  excitement then what I have now.  I want to engage in a job that is uniquely me, to find a career that makes my heart sing to be well rounded and vibrant.  She is sick and tired of feeling hum-drum as if life is passing her by.  She makes an appointment to come in and see me.  For the first 3 sessions she is totally pumped about her new ideas, the new potential of her life, she is vibrant and engaged in the possibilities.  She is thinking about dreams that have long been buried, she is exploring ideas that have been pushed to the side and forgotten.  Then session 4 she walks in the office and she says, I can't make theses changes, I am being selfish, I am not thinking of my family, I am putting my needs first.

Whoa, back up the bus...by figuring out what you love, by determining ways to make yourself happy, show your little girls what it means to find your joy...you are being selfish?  I think not.  By limiting herself to a life of humdrum mediocrity..this is what I have always done, Sharon is showing her children life is meant to be boring and mediocre.  She isn't challenging her daughters to go after their dreams, get an education, be all they can be.  She is proving to them that life is stagnant and stale and the joy ends after you turn 35.

Yes it would be selfish to leave your children for good, hike across Zimbabwe and never look back.  But going after your dreams?  Expanding your activities to include things that makes your heart sing?  That isn't' selfish that is fully engaging in life.

So the next time you start dreaming about what 'could be next' and the thought "I am too selfish" pops into your head, stop yourself?  Are you really selfish?  Or are you just wanting to live with passion and power.  It is when we embrace our power, accept our passion we become the best us possible.  In fact I would argue it is selfish to NOT share our gifts with the world. It is selfish to live small, to not face our fears or face our fears. When we show our children and those around us what it means to grab life by the horns and fully engage in a job we love and a life that enriches us we are giving them the greatest gift possible, our selves. We are showing them happiness IS possible, life IS full of ups and downs, making your heart sing is not selfish it is a duty to ourselves.

*Sharon is a completely fictional character. 


Thanks to wonderferret for the freaky display of selfish.

*****************

Ready to find the work that makes your heart sing?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and moving beyond selfishness into vibrancy!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

The Power of Story Listening

I am so excited today to be part of the 835 story tour.  Stories are such an integral part of how we think, feel, share, and express our lives. We talk in stories, dream in stories, think in stories--our lives are one giant story.  Too often we share our stories as if they were news reports or weather bulletins leaving out all the wonderful juicy details.  Our stories express our gifts, experiences, doubts, fears, joys, insecurities, power, and relationships.

A few years ago I was traveling solo across the country. One of my favorite things about traveling solo is the number of heartfelt stories I hear.  At one of the bed and breakfasts where I was staying I struck up a conversation with one of the owners.  As we were talking her dad called and their conversation reminded me of one that I would have frequently with my own dad.  After she hung up the phone I told her so.  She then shared with me that her mom just died a month ago. She shared (after I asked) that although her mom had been frail she died rather suddenly and her dad was now 'broken hearted'.  As she was sharing her story I could see the mixed emotions in her face  a. she needed to share her story talk and b. she didn't want to burden a complete stranger.   As I walked back to my room,  I was struck by how honored I felt that she shared such an intimate story with me--here it is almost 3 years later and I still remember the story.  I remember her story as I go through my own issues with aging parents.  Listening to her not only helped her but it helped me.  That is the beauty of being both a story teller and a story listener.

It strikes me how rare it is to have people who REALLY listen to our stories without judgment or advice or wanting to share their own story.  It is unusual to be in the presence of someone and feel that at ease with just being in our story, no questions, no judgments, no advice, no analyzations just the story.

As Michelle at Wicked Whimsy shared yesterday how our stories hold a lot of insights and importance.  It is vital to have someone in our lives who serves as a witness.  Someone who can be present to our words and our stories.The wonderful concept of 'holding the space' for someone. When we are able to share our stories in a loving supportive environment we are able to hear ourselves talk, to grow, learn, process and be happier.  As a career counselor the first thing I do is openly listen to client stories--we can gain such rich nuggets of life experience, the joys and the pain, which then allows us to move forward in a life we love!

To be truly heard by someone is a gift, both to ourselves and the listener.  Who do you have in your life who truly listens to your stories?  Whose stories do you truly listen to?


Thanks to Nick Piggnott for the perfect StoryTeller Photo

Wanting to write your next story or process through an old one?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start building the story where you live and work happier!!  Not in Columbus?--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What is your definition of living happier?

Time once again for Wondering Wednesday.  It continually amazes me how quickly the weeks fly by--guess that means we are having fun, yes?  So the Wondering Wednesday:  is what is your definition of living happier?  I thought with all this Live Happier. Work Happier chatter--it might make sense to define it for yourself.

So frequently we define happiness or living happier as a state or  a place we will achieve and once we get there all will be well.  But we all know in reality, once we achieve that goal/idea we are quickly on to the next thing.  Today as you ponder your definition of happiness:  What does it feel like?  Does it feel peaceful, content, joyous, blissful, anger-free, stress-free?  In the state of living happier Are you doing something you love?, Joining with someone you love?  What does your life look and feel like?  What is your state of mind? Who are you surrounding yourself with?  What are your thoughts/beliefs?

All of these questions go into living happier.  Living happier isn't just one thing.  It is a combination of beliefs, people, activities and state of mind.

What is your definition of Living Happier? How will you know when you are living or working happier?  Feel free to share it in the comments section below--I'll go first!

A fun announcement....Later this week I will be taking part in the Story Tour over at Eight Thirty Five--led by Shenee Howard--Check it out and get a taste of some fabulous bloggers and their take on the power of story.

Thanks to ernohannink for the photo representation of happiness. 

*****************

Need some help figuring out your definition of living happier?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

A Lesson in Facing My Fear Monger

Yesterday I had the wonderful privilege of interviewing via the phone one of my favorite bloggers--Tara Sophia Mohr.  I am hoping to post the interview sometime next week.  Not only once the interview fabulous, but the lessons learned prior to it were priceless. So I decided to share them here today.

I had asked Tara to do the interview for the Work Happier Spotlight feature on my blog, a few weeks ago.  I  confess e-mailing someone I don't know is scary--but since I asked all of you to do it in the informational interview blog post I thought I could do it too.  I have done this before for other Work Happier Spotlight posts so I wasn't as nervous as my first one.  However, Tara, challenged me a bit and asked me if I would be willing to do a phone interview rather then the standard 'I e-mail her questions, she writes the answer'.  I admit, I have never done a phone interview before that has been recorded and then published to my site.  You probably remember how I had to face my fears to do my first video blog, while I love technology you can't always count on it so it can be a bit scary.  But I agreed, with a full heart and lots of excitement I decided to embrace my lack of knowledge and branch out into the world of audio.

I sent her my questions before hand organized my thoughts and I was ready.  And then Monday morning rolls around--if I am completely honest it started Sunday evening--I started obsessing about all the things that COULD go wrong, my fear monger went a little crazy and I pretty much flipped out.  By Monday morning I was a mess--just a stressed out mess.  On my way to the gym I just kept telling myself once it is 2pm you can relax, you can relax at 2pm--only 4 more hours to go.  And then I caught myself and I realized, I wasn't dreading this phone call.  In reality I was looking forward to it.  I was excited to talk to Tara, hear what she had to say and share my own bits of wisdom.  Yet, my first reaction was to start the count down to when it would be over.  Hands down I think one of the hardest things as a human being is to hold both--to hold 2 opposite things at the same time, to hold my fear and my excitement, to hold my nervousness and my exhilaration.  Too often we want to make it all black and white, turn the either/or into an absolute.

Right then and there I had a little talk with my fear monger.  I asked her to come out and be seen and to share what she was scared about.  Once I gave her a voice, her fears were pretty minimal.  Basically I was afraid I would look stupid, say something totally off beat and look like a fool.  When I took the time to let her voice be heard, I was able to hear that there really wasn't that much to be afraid about.  Too often we let the fear monger's voice fill our heads with a dull rhythmic tone not really paying any attention to it but giving it way too much power in the process.

So I thanked my little girl (my fear monger is a little girl) for trying to help and told her you know i have had a lot of education, done a lot of reading and been around the block a few times I was confident my 38 year old self could handle it.  And poof she was gone--I admit, she tried to come back a few times but when I heard her voice starting up softly in the background I placed my hands over my heart and quietly said, "I've got this one" and she quieted back down.  It is those rituals that allow us to move forward, face our fears, do the things that scare us, and allow ourselves to grow.  When we don't make these physical and mental shifts we get stuck doing what we have always done and getting what we always get.

Fortunately the phone call went wonderfully--it was by no means perfect, I hung up on Tara within the first 5 minutes, someone came to the door in the middle of our conversation and we didn't cover all of the topics.  BUT we made connection, we had a great conversation, we laughed and I faced a fear.  Both my little girl and I hung up feeling very happy.

A quick but cool aside...Later this week I will be taking part in the Story Tour over at Eight Thirty Five--led by Shenee Howard--Check it out and get a taste of some fabulous bloggers and their take on the power of story.

Thanks to Trace Meek for the cool phone photo.

*****************
Need some help facing your own fear monger?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start facing your fears and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Love, Weddings, and Living Happier

So today I have some big news.  Some big news in my personal life  Some news I never thought I would be sharing let alone on my blog. Over the weekend I got engaged, yep the nearest and dearest and I are tying the knot!!  I have to confess--I NEVER thought I wanted to get married, after years of singledom I have found a wonderful, supportive, funny guy and we are making it official.  So this week has been a flurry of wedding wishes/plans/laughter/announcements and just down right fun. This week has been a wonderful reminder to me that life is not just made up of one area but a wonderful mixture of friends, family, work, interests, loves and activities.

First thing my nearest and dearest and I said to each other was that we wanted a wedding that was true to us as a couple.  We made a pact to not get caught up in all the wedding hype and have a wedding that expresses our values and our life.  We are crafting a wedding day that will be authentic to who we are and what we want to share with our friends and family.  Similarly to the message of building our lives in a way that expresses our values and interests.  The glitch I have already found (and I am only 4 days in) is that people have a lot of opinions of what a wedding SHOULD look and feel like.  Not necessarily those people closest to me but the outliers in my life, the peripherals if you will have many thoughts on what should be done.  It is challenging to buck the trends, go against the grain and plan a wedding that makes our heart sing :)

What I realized is that planning a wedding is a small microcosm of planning ones's life.  So often in life we run up against people--usually those who are NOT very close to us--telling us what we SHOULD do or how we SHOULD live our lives and we have a hard time shaking them off and moving forward.  It is my belief the only way to do live a life that is true to you, that is indeed working and living happier is to make the same pact with yourself that my nearest and dearest and I made with each other.  From here forth I am living a life that is true to me, true to my values, true to my authentic self.  That needs to be set in stone--then as people start pecking away at your dreams, ideas, and baby steps.  You can quietly remind yourself this is MY LIFE, I get to make the decisions.

Here's to creating lives and weddings that authentically express our souls!!

Thanks to LadyDragonFlyCC--February Blues for the great proposal pic!

Wondering Wednesday: What Small Steps can you Take Today to Implement your Dream?

Last week I the Wondering Wednesday question was--What would you do differently if you knew no one would judge you?  and we had some awesome answers.   The challenging part of the question--part 2 if you will--is this week's wondering Wednesday question.  How can you start slowly implementing your answer into your every day life?;   How can you start dipping your toe into the water so to speak?

Maybe your dream is to go back to school and become a nurse.  But you hear all these voices in your head (real or imagined) that say that is too hard, you won't be able to finish it, dealing with patients is too difficult on and on and on. So many of my clients spend the first sessions just allowing themselves the chance to dream, to think without judgment what they might do. So first step admit your dreams, then start paying attention to those voices.  Frequently people get stuck at this first step. The voices become so debilitating that they don't move forward.  The key is to plow ahead, notice the voices and then take small safe steps to moving yourself towards your dreams.   Admit those voices are there and then start implementing little by little small changes.  Maybe it is just researching nursing schools or talking to friends who are nurses.  Or simply saying out loud to yourself, 'you know some day I want to be a nurse'.  Whatever you can do to dip your toe in the water.

So often our dreams and wishes get buried by fears of judgments either self judgements or judgements that we have heard from other people.  If we don't start speaking these dreams out loud they will be buried forever.  I am not saying you need to go out today and make a plan to accomplish all your dreams.  I am saying go today and name one little thing you can do that moves your toward your dreams.

If you didn't answer part one of the question, please do so and then think about part 2: How can you start slowly implementing your answer into your every day life? What SMALL steps can you make towards your dream?  Even if those steps are saying it out loud to those closest to you.  Or writing down the steps you would take to accomplish it.  Or researching people who have done something similar. The key is to start taking action, one step in front of the other and then simultaneously paying attention to those voices of judgment and that rise up and just notice them.  Just notice them.  Today acknowledge  your dreams, take one small action step and pay attention to what happens.

Feel free to share it in the comments section below--I'll go first!

Thanks to little azorean for the beautiful photo of dipping your toes in the water.  

Wanting to fight through the judgement on your dreams (real or imagined)-I can help.  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start facing your fears and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!