When Empathy Becomes Responsibility

Empathy is a wonderful, amazing strength.

Empathy as defined by Merriam Webster is:

The action of being sensitive to and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts and experience of another.      

The ability to be empathetic is a gift.  It allows you to understand where someone is coming from and offer support, and encouragement.

For those of us with a strong empathetic trait we can usually

• sense what someone needs before they can say it, 
• see the other side of the story,
• we find it easy to step in and help 

We make great friends and partners because we tend to know when to step in and we are really, really helpful.

Where highly empathetic people run into trouble is when they turn empathy into responsibility.


Responsibility as defined by Merriam Webster is:

 having the duty to take care of something for someone. 

When 3 of the primary empathetic traits all work together they combine to make the Responsibility Trifecta:

These traits are:

1. Empathetic with the other person therefore a strong desire to be helpful.
2. Justify any behavior (even bad behaviors)
3. Putting put your priorities last.

When these 3 traits combine empathetic folk move from being understanding and sensitive to ditching their own priorities and needs in order to take accountability and responsibility for someone else.

Recently a friend of mine shared her own struggle with this idea.  She work as a full time teacher and has 3 kids under 8.  At her school their tend to be two groups of teachers those that are young having babies and those that are nearing retirement. Recently, a lot of the other younger teachers have started having babies and one of the traditions is to prepare them meals.  My friend loves this idea, she remembers how much it meant to her to get these meals when she had her kids and she really empathizes with new mothers.    Those nearing retirement are willing to participate in the meal program but only half-heartedly and the new mom's although they appreciated it when they got meals are just too overwhelmed to participate.

So Susan has become the primary champion of the meal program--she has found her self running the whole program and cooking 2-3 meals a week for the new moms to pick up the slack for the teachers.  She said to me, "I barely have enough energy to cook for my own family now and that is where I really want to be spending my energy".  When I asked her why she just didn't just stop she said, "Those first couple of weeks are so hard and having meals is so helpful". To which I asked, "Why do you have to be the one to do it all?" " I am sure these woman have other friends and family who can make meals.  It sounds like this tradition has run it's course at your school and it is time for one of the new mom's to pick up the slack or for it to die. "

Susan had completed the Responsibility Trifecta:

1. She really wanted to help these new moms; she remembered what it felt like to be a new mom.
2. She could justify why it was ok that every other teacher didn't help out.  She could explain away their behaviors.
3. Her own family's meals were pushed to the very last. 

Susan had found herself responsible for the entire program.

Last week, Susan informed me that towards the end of the school year she announced to the teachers that she was stepping down from being in charge of meals and that next school year someone else could pick it up or they could let it die down until someone had more time.  Susan got a little flack and a bit of pushback but she held her ground.  And kept repeating to herself "I am not responsible for these new mothers" "they have other resources" "I can be empathetic AND have keep my own priorities".  Susan was excited to have her evenings back and be able to cook for her family again.

Empathy is awesome!!  But when empathy becomes responsibility it leaves us drained and exhausted.

I would love to hear from you:  Can you relate to this post?  When have you confused empathy for responsibility?

My life looks great on the outside. Why does it feel so crappy?

About ten years ago, I was sitting on the porch of my brand new house with my now husband (then really close friend) having one of our late night chats. I remember crying uncontrollably and saying, "I look like I have it all, why do I feel so crappy?"  At the time I was working a great job making decent money. I had just bought a house in a nice neighborhood, had recently bought a new car, and had even lost those pesky 30lbs that tend to haunt me.   I was doing 'good' from the outside, anyway.  But inside I was exhausted and anxious all the time.  Always looking for the 'next thing'. Always thinking if I went to the 'cool' event, hung out with the 'fun' people had the 'right' job then I would be happy.  I was basically running from event to event and I just felt crappy.  I may have looked like a 30 year old who had her '&*%' together but in reality I was a mess. I was a chameleon trying to fit in with everyone else and be what I thought they wanted me to be.

 I felt like I had video cameras in my house and that some day I would be found out that I wasn't a hip, popular extrovert who had everything together.  In reality, I was a quiet, introverted, who was filled with anxiety and wasn't doing anything 'right'.  I had  bought the idea that if I do what everyone tells me to do and check off all the 'right' tasks THEN I would be happy.

Eventually after a couple of panic attacks and a few too many crying jags I decided to seek help. Fortunately, I found an amazing therapist who helped me figure out what I wanted for my life and how to stop living for everyone else.  I realized that no matter how many items I checked off the list I would always be searching for the next item. I needed to stop running and start looking at my face in the mirror.  My lovely, anxiety ridden face and learn how to love and appreciate it.  I learned to implement daily practices to diminish my anxiety and get off the 'to do' list train.

We are told from a young age to check off the boxes:

• Go to College
• Get a Job
• Move up in said job and make good money
• Get Married
• Buy a nice house
• Buy a snazzy car
• Have a child
• Be a good parent
• Have another child
• Buy a bigger house
• Have lots of friends

No one tells us:

• The check marks never end--we can be checking things off the 'should' list for the rest of our lives
• That all those check marks while great, meaningful and worthwhile aren't always enough.

Here's the truth:
It is ok that you have checked everything off the list and that you still feel crappy.  It is ok that you are tired of living by the list.  Because once you admit that you feel crappy, change can occur.  Once you admit that 'wait a minute I did everything 'they' told me to do and I am still searching'. You can start searching internally.  You can take all that great stuff you have accomplished and add to it.  You don't have to live your life as a chameleon.  You can stop the feeling of being 'found out' and start embracing who you really are.

Life does not have to feel crappy. Anxiety does not have to rule your life.   Life can look beautiful inside and out.

I would love to hear from you:  How have you struggled with being a chameleon in your life?  What boxes were you told to check?

How We Ignore Our Voice--3 Mistakes We all Make.

Yesterday I got a haircut--a cute short, sassy, blonde do.   I have not had hair short in years so this is quite the change for me.  Before I left for the salon my husband said, "Are you sure?" and I said, "Yep, I am ready I am excited I am ready for a new do".  And I was, I felt it in my bones, I was SURE.  After all was said and done and my hair stylist said "ta da" I thought yep, I LOVE it-just like I knew I would.

You know those decisions you make that are just gut decisions? When the answer is a complete YES? Those are the decisions you know will work out.  You know they will be ok--no matter how dramatic no matter how much change they involve when you are ready you are ready.  And then there are those decisions that we make that we say YES but there is a small voice inside that is saying no, not now, not this one, there is another reason you are doing this.  The key to living happier is listening to that little voice.  The times in my life when I haven't have been trouble.  

I remember shopping for my wedding dress.  I did not have magical, fairy tale ideas about wedding dress shopping.  In fact, I was not looking forward to it at all. My nearest and dearest and I got married at my parent's back yard.  It was a low key, beautiful, casual celebration--so the traditional gown was not going to work--but I didn't really have a vision for what I wanted (Mistake #1).  But a friend convinced me to go to one of those large wedding gown shops where you get a consultant, you try on 50 dresses and they oh and ah over each one you try on.  The only goal I had for that day was that we were going to walk out of that shop with a dress--I was NOT going through this shopping event again.  And we did, after the 6th or 7th dress I found one I liked.  Liked not loved. It was a traditional, satiny, beaded, non-descript wedding dress.  But as I stood there in all my glory and all the ladies were "oohing and aahing" I said yes  (Mistake #2).  Even though I had heard 'oh you just KNOW when it is the one' I convinced myself that that was just urban legend and that I just wasn't a wedding dress girl.  So I didn't listen to the little voice saying "nope, this isn't it" because I told myself that it just wouldn't happen for me and I need to suck it up (Mistake #3) and I put down a deposit. 

Not 3 hours later, as I sat on my couch thinking "Maybe, that wasn't the dress" I started searching on-line and I found the perfect dress. A beautiful lace, fitted dress for less than 1/2 of the price of the other one. I ordered it telling myself that if I didn't like it I could ship it back. Weeks later I received it in the mail and I tried on the dress and it was PERFECT--every part of me screamed YES.  I showed it to my friend and she too screamed YES!  Even though, she told me later she wanted to hate it because she liked the other one so much but it was so perfect she had to say yes. To this day I look at that dress and smile.  

So Let's Review the Common 'Ignoring Our Internal Voice' Mistakes.

Mistake #1 No Vision: You have to have a vision:  you have to know what you want, know what you stand for, know what is important to you.  Even if it has gotten buried there after years of neglect and maybe out right ignoring it, you have to know your vision.  Which is why I got my haircut.  My vision was to feel better good about myself, to do something radical, shift things up and give myself a good kick in the pants. So I researched haircuts, factored in my hair type and what had and hadn't worked in the past and made a plan.

Mistake #2 Listening to others. It is so easy to get sucked in to the opinions of others.  When everyone was telling me how great I looked in my dress it was easy to ignore the voice in my head saying "but you didn't want a traditional dress"; "I thought you wanted lace"; "is this really going to send the vibe of a casual wedding?" Taking in too much external feedback always drowns out our inner voice. Before I got my haircut I only told my nearest and dearest I didn't want to hear any voices swaying me.

Mistake #3 Assuming you are wrong:  So often we shut out our voice immediately because we just assume we are wrong. We assume we don't know, can't have it or are just plain ignorant. Our inner voice is a place of wisdom.  The wisdom it shares might not happen on our time line. (No matter how much I wanted to, I wasn't going to find my dress in that shop, that day.)  We have to trust it.  We have to trust ourselves. 

I would love to hear from you--I know we have all been there.  What mistakes have you made to keep you from hearing your inner voice?  When is a time when you didn't listen to your inner voice and later regretted it?

Why Your Needs Aren't a Priority to Your Friends and Family.

Harsh?  Yes.  

True?  Unfortunately Yes.

Truth #1: Your needs DO matter.  In fact, in my opinion your needs are one of the most important things in your life. When you know what you value and know what you need you can richly, engage in your life.  You no longer become chained to your to-do list or stuck in worry or doubt.  Because you KNOW what is most important to you.  Quick aside:  If you want to learn more about naming your values and living from them check out the Live Happier 101 Mini Course.

Truth #2: Basic human nature, is to only think about ourselves.  So other people, in general, are too busy thinking about their needs to worry about yours.   In other words, if you aren't looking out for your needs, probably no one else is. 

Truth #3:  When you swallow, ignore, belittle, your needs it makes it even harder for people to remember, think about or acknowledge them. 

Truth #4:  Women in general, tend to be so good at looking out for other people's needs that we forget our  own.  

Truth #5:  The ONLY way your needs will be heard/met/satisfied if:

A. You know what they are 

B. You speak them clearly.  

Clearly being the key term there.  Here are some tips for Clearly speaking your needs:

YOUR NEED:  You want your husband to help with the kids in the morning.

Timing:  Right in the middle of morning rush with the kids is not the time to mention the need.  Basically, you are already stressed and your husband will feel it came out of left field. (Remember he most likely hasn't been thinking about your needs.)  Rather, pick a time when you are both calm and relaxed to share that need.  

Specifics:  Ask yourself what do I REALLY REALLY NEED? Get as specific as possible.  What do I want my husband to do? Make Breakfast?  Pack Lunches?  Get the kids dressed?  The more specific you can get on what you need the better you will feel and the more direction he will have to 'hit' the need. Check out this post for more tips on getting specific.

Tone:  Speaking a need isn't a demand. It is a desire, a request a potential negotiation.  So be aware of how you are sharing the need.  Just because you NEED it doesn't mean it will happen.  But the more you can share what you need, the closer you will get to achieving it.  Pay attention to how you ask and how open you are to negotiating the need. 

Patience:  Remember you husband see's the world completely differently than you.  He has his own perceptions, needs, ideas, thoughts.  So your need may be hitting him out of left field no matter how specific you are.  Respect those differences and remember they are ok.  Also, if you haven't expressed a need in a while you having a spoken need may be a totally new concept for him, so be patient and keep trying!!

These tips work with co-workers, friends, not just your intimate relationships.  We all need to get better about paying attention to our own AND other people's needs. 

Is Resentment Hiding Under Your Acceptance? 6 Warning Signs.

Here's a scenario.  

You are dropping the kids off at school and one of the other mom's runs up to ask you if you would be able to pick her kids up and watch them later that day.  "My babysitter canceled last minute, can you help?" 

Immediately, you think. "No, I have errands to run and work to catch up on and this is the 3rd time this month you have asked for this same favor."  

But then suddenly as if possessed by something you hear yourself saying:  "No Problem" "I can handle it" 'I would be happy to help" "I got it, don't worry about it"

How often do these phrases come out of your mouth?  How often are they followed with the thought of "ugh, here we go again" "Why does it always fall on me?"or "REALLY? You couldn't handle it"

We all want to be agreeable, helpful and nice.  But too often our Acceptance builds into Resentment and we end up paying the price in anxiety, anger and exhaustion. 

Here are 6 Danger Signs that Resentment is hiding under your Acceptance.

Inner Dialogue War:  You walk away from the situation with an inner war going on.  Half of you is bitter and angry that you didn't step up and say no. Half of you is berating yourself for being so selfish and not wanting to be there for another mother.  These 2 halves spend much of the day warring without any real conclusion.  

Short Tempered:  As you get back in the car, your husband calls and you pick a fight about whose job it is to make dinner. Because your plans just got destroyed you immediately take it out on him that he is not helpful enough.  

Gossip/Passive Aggressive:  While you agree to watch her kids you find yourself talking about her to the other mother's at school. Or making digs at her to your husband. Or even maybe even taking it out on her kids.  Again, when we aren't saying what we really mean it oozes out in other places. 

Increased Anxiety:  When we aren't listening to ourselves and speaking up our anxiety can go through the roof.  On one hand you already had your day planned--now you have to reschedule your life, rearranging priorities and needs.  Secondly, when you aren't speaking up for yourself resentment increases which causes our anxiety to sky rocket.   

Exhausted:  You find yourself exhausted by the end of the day.  Yes, you are busy and over-worked.  However, when we aren't living congruently meaning we are saying Yes when we want to say No it is draining.  This in congruency takes it's toll leaving us tired, defeated and disengaged.  Not to mention the toll of putting other's needs first ahead of our own priorities and errands--therefore leaving us having to scramble last minute.  

Confusion-why don't they get it?  This is the number one sign of resentment--utter confusion of why don't they get it?  Sometimes we think we are sending signals that we don't want to do something while the words "yes" are coming out of our mouths.  But usually those signals are so small and minute that they are barely noticeable.  They don't get it because you aren't SAYING it.  Bottom line if you aren't looking out for your needs and priorities no one else is going to.  

 Recognizing that resentment is showing up in your life is the first step.  Building awareness around WHEN and WITH WHOM you tend to say yes when you mean no is the next.  And slowly learning how to speak your needs, stand up for yourself and say NO consistently is the next.   Check out this helpful Live Happier QA for a great tip.  

Are you suffering from any of these symptoms?  Has Resentment snuck up on your Acceptance tendencies?   Do you have other symptoms you would share?

Ditching the Superwoman Cape

I am excited to be back.  For those of you who don't know I had surgery a month ago today and have been at home recovering. It has been a challenging road but I am feeling much better and almost back to myself.

To be quite honest, now that I am on the other side of it the break was quite nice.  Prior to having surgery I was in superwoman mode.  Meaning I was running from thing to thing, checking things off my to-do list and measuring my days by how much I got done.  So fast forward to me being trapped on the couch, unable to do much of anything without help from my nearest and dearest.  I was 100% dependent and for someone who loves to do for herself that is quite challenging.

I confess I spent the first week beating myself up for being so weak and dependent.   It was humbling to realize that even though I have come a LONG way in admitting my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, the need to be superwoman can still trigger me.  It was a reminder to myself that we always are spiraling up and re-learning the same lessons just at different places.

Bottom line control is an illusion.  Running from thing to thing, checking items off our to-do list doesn't give us more control, doesn't make us more engaged, doesn't make us 'better' people.  Yes, we get things done and yes, we are responsible high functioning people.  But when the running overtakes the being, it is time to slow down.  Superwoman mode keeps us from experiencing our lives.  It keeps us from connecting with our families, our spouses and our kids.  Superwoman mode is an illusion.

You know what I realized by taking a few weeks off to recover? The world kept going.  I know you are thinking 'duh?' 'of course it did'.  But when I am at my worst and truly stuck in superwoman mode I almost feel like the world will collapse if I don't get everything done.  (Can you relate?) As if the whole world depends on me getting the laundry done or finishing up the dishes.   I owe this lesson to my nearest and dearest who doesn't quite have the same eye for detail that I do.  And when I would walk through the kitchen and see the dirty dishes piling up I realized no one would die from dirty dishes, the world keeps rotating regardless.

What a freeing thought?!?  The world keeps rotating.  It has become my mantra these past few weeks.  If you too suffer from superwoman syndrome--I highly recommend a little dose of reality that no matter how much you do or don't check off the list--the world will keep rotating.  Maybe not as smoothly, maybe not as timely, but stuff will get done.

Are you just plain tired of living the superwoman illusion?  Take off your cape and sign up for a free 20 minutes session together we can let it go of the illusion and start embracing your life.

Blast from the Past: Live Happier QA: How do I find more balance?

This week, I am continuing the retro-post theme.   I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives. In honor of QA Thursday I thought I would post one of my most popular Live Happier QA from October 2012.   Live Happier QA will be back in the upcoming weeks.


Today's Live Happier QA question is from Claire and she asks:  I have 2 kids, a husband and a job I enjoy. Where can I find time to engage in activities I enjoy?

 Wow!  For so many of us our plates are FULL, if not over flowing.

Check out my answer below.  Have any thoughts? Anything you would add? Feel free to leave add a comment below!!

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page.



Do you have a question about Living Happier?  Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general!

Have a question you are curious about?

 Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!!

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Blast from the Past; Walking Zombies

This week I am continuing the retro-post theme. I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives.  This was originally posted in April 2012.

Yesterday, I was working at a local coffee shop. When I looked up from my computer I was watching the people walking by. Have you ever stopped and looked at people as they go about their day to day activity? I was amazed that 75% looked totally unengaged with life, whether they be hurrying to the next event, ambling along, talking on their cell phone or even walking next to someone...they appeared disengaged and uninterested in life. They looked, in fact, like zombies. Walking zombies. Now the other 25% were laughing, smiling, looking intently or listening with vigor. They seemed engaged in whatever was going on around them even if it was just walking down the street. It got me thinking about how often we check out of our lives, our work, and our relationships. How often are we nothing more than zombies going through our life?

Maybe that is why there is such an influx of zombie shows these days because on some small level we can relate, or we want to relate. Perhaps we are all so tired of being pulled in a thousand directions. Overwhelmed from engaging in activities we don't really want to be a part of. Just down right unhappy. So it becomes easier to walk through life like a zombie. Or maybe we have stopped questing for more. Perhaps a part of us has given up, we have gotten the excitement and passion beaten out of us and so being a zombie has just become our default mode. We become stuck in old patterns, home, work, lunch, work, dinner, TV, bed, home, work, lunch, work, dinner, TV, bed and over and over and over we repeat the cycle. Only to be shifted up with the occasional Saturday of laundry, chores and errands.

It's time to re-engage!! It's time to ask yourself what do I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want out of my life! What little or even big changes can I make in my life that will give me the energy to be more engaged? What do I need to snap out of it and join the walking (even dancing a little) living and not be one more walking dead?  Even if life has beaten you down, even if you are exhausted, tired and depleted, just ask yourself what would make me feel good today, what would add to my life right now? What can I do in this moment that will bring me connection with myself or others--make a phone call to a friend, write an email to a loved one, ditch the to-do list, order takeout from your favorite restaurant, schedule a date night, look up grad schools, research a new job!! The first step is to recognize the danger (and comfort) of joining the ranks of the zombies. It might appear easier, it might appear joyfully mindless, but over here on the other side in the 25% of the world that is laughing, crying, joyful and enraged--life is bright and vibrant. Life is engaging and exciting. Life is full of unexpected joys and challenges--here life is anything but monotonous.

So I am curious--are you feeling like a zombie? Are you tired of walking through life controlled by your to do list and/or other people's expectations?

Thanks to Scott McLeod for the photo!

Blast from the Past: Why Positive Thinking Can Get in the Way of Living Happier

This week we are continuing the retro-post theme. I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives.  This was originally posted in August 2011.

You have heard me say it before, but lately it has been creeping back into my world, creeping back into my client's thoughts and words, creeping back into my friends' wisdom.  The idea that we just need to think positive and all will be better.  Ugh! This thought drives me crazy.  Sometimes I feel like it is one of my life's missions to rid the world of the notion that if you just put on a smile, and think positive life will be just peachy.  Yes there are times when we are just crabby for no reason; just 'off' and for those times putting on a smile can be helpful.  But I am talking about those times when we are hurting when we have pain, grief, sadness when we are going through a break-up, a death, a sense of confusion or a major life transition!  All of these are HARD they require struggle, tears, pain and grief.  These aren't 'buck up', put on a smile times, these are "yep I know it sucks and it might feel like you are going to die but I promise you will get through this time"

We have all seen the people, people who we ask, "how is everything going?" (and legitimately care) and the immediate response is "fine, fine, everything is fine!" with a big fake smile on their face Clearly we know everything isn't fine, but most likely they have heard somewhere to be positive and everything will be ok.

I am all about joy and laughter and smiling, hell my tag line is work happier live happier--so clearly I am all about being happ-ier.  But when we think that these 'happy' emotions are the ONLY emotions and that we are weak, pathetic and/or negative because we don't feel happy all the time we get into trouble.  As a mentor of mine use to say, life is about experiencing a wide range of emotions fully.  So experiencing joy AND sadness. Laughter AND tears.  When we are trapped in 'living positively' to the detriment of experiencing any anger, sadness or struggle we aren't living happier, we are slowly surely becoming a ticking time bomb of resentment and pain.

As with everything life is a balance--it is a mixture of joy and pain; when we experience too much of one type of emotion we are definitely not living happier.  Any transition in life will require some sadness, relief, laughter, anxiety, fear and joy.  Whenever we are making changes there will be struggle but that is truly living and experiencing life which to me IS living happier!!

Blast from the Past; My first VLOG: a Few Thoughts on Fear

This week, while I am still in recovery mode I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives. This is my first video blog originally posted in November, 2010. Live Happier QA will be back in the upcoming weeks.

 Today I am SO excited to present my first video blog.  I have been wanting to do this for MONTHS and have been too afraid to attempt it.  Therefore I decided to do a little sharing on fear.  Hope you enjoy!

Blast from the Past: Separating Our Self Esteem From Our To-Do List

This week, while I am still in recovery mode I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives. This was originally posted in May, 2010.

I admit I am a little unmotivated today. It is warm and sunny here and all I really want to do is hang out.  I have been running from thing to thing most of the day and if I am honest I really haven't accomplished anything on my to do list. I was just getting ready to grab my latest novel and sit out on the porch and then I heard my internal voice go off.  I told myself, "AT LEAST write in your blog, then you will feel like you accomplished something, then you will feel good about yourself" And then I caught myself, caught my internal messages.  REALLY?!?  I will feel good about myself when I accomplish something!  Will I? Or will I just add to the list of more things I need to do to feel good about myself?  It really does get annoying.  No matter how much I know and have internalized the message that I am lovable, worthy, valuable period. I still have the underlying current of you will be good enough when messages. So I decided to go back through my day and think about all the messages that just happened today.

I will feel good enough when:
the kitchen is cleaned,
I make a million dollars,
the house is free of dog hair (which is never going to happen even if I vacuumed every hour)
I have watched everything on my DVR
I have checked off everything on my work to-do list
I finish the book my mom lent me 2 weeks ago
I eat healthier and treat my body better.

And that, my friends is just my list from today.  Honestly, it is only what I can remember from today.  Who knows how many other messages I didn't really acknowledge. How many messages have YOU heard today?

For whatever reason these messages are prevalent.  We might feel like we are fighting an uphill battle trying to win out over our negative critic.  But the key, as I see it continues, to be awareness. Awareness that they are lurking there.  Those pesky little voices that tell me I will be enough only WHEN I accomplish something.  Truth is these voices can be motivating, they can inspire me to get up off the couch and write, vacuum or return a phone call.  But the damage comes when we get stuck in the belief I will be good enough when.  Bottom line I am good enough no matter what, even if I gave myself the rest of the day off to hang on the porch and read.  AND at the end of the day I will probably feel better if I accomplish a few things on my to do list.  However, neither option has nothing to do with my self worth.  They are just options, choices in how I spend my time.  Because the list will always be there. A free evening to hang with my dog reading a good book in the sun won't always--guess I made my choice.

Blast from the Past: The Power of The Should

This week, while I am still in recovery mode I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives.  This was originally posted in March, 2010.

Should.  It is such a powerful word.  The statement 'don't should all over yourself' is one that is pervasive in the self-help/therapy community. Yet these shoulds come out all the time.  I should clean the house, I should be playing with my daughter, I shouldn't watch TV, I shouldn't eat this pizza, I should be a better listener, I should be more social, I should be less social, I should work out more and on and on and on.  Ad infinitum, these shoulds invade our psyche.

The problem with shoulds,  is they disguise themselves as helpful, when in reality they are merely forcing us to do something outside of ourselves. They are forcing us to be externally controlled.  Usually the voice of the should is from someone we know from our past, a parent, a teacher a personal trainer, or a therapist. It is rare that the voice of a should is our own. Also, these shoulds tend to snowball.  From one should, "I should workout", comes a giant slalom of hammering that ends up with me being the world's unhealthiest women, who is homebound and miserable.

So the secret is to break down the should.  First step is to start bringing awareness to how much you say the word should.  For me, it tends to break into my psyche more when I am feeling tired, insecure, and disconnected from myself.  In short, the shoulds come out to play when I am running on auto-pilot.  When I catch myself acting out a should, I notice I am half-hearted, not as engaged in the activity because I am doing it out of an external control. When I engage in a should activity, I usually end up feeling resentful and bitter.  So if we can catch ourselves in a should before it starts snowballing we can start to develop other ideas for how to handle the should.

For example, you are busy with a deadline at work and you realize it is your night to make dinner.  You tell yourself you SHOULD go home and make a healthy dinner but really you want to pick up pizza and call it a night.  Maybe it would be the 3rd night in a row that your family has eaten take out so they really SHOULD have a healthy meal, after all your mom cooked you a healthy meal every night of the week, that's what you get for working from home, you are such a bad mom and now we are off to the races, hammer, hammer, hammer.  All from one little should, one little meal that you are too tired to cook and suddenly you are the worlds worst human being.  First off be aware you are shoulding--you know what you SHOULD do but what do you want to do,  you want to order pizza, but your kids deserve a healthy meal.  So you start thinking of compromises; you can get a pizza and make a healthy vegetable to go with it, you can pick up take out that is healthier than pizza, you can leave work early and cook a good dinner because in reality it would be nice to cook a meal for a change and you have a new recipe, you can just order the pizza and recognize that tomorrow is another day and maybe your kids didn't get the healthiest meal today but tomorrow you will pack them a healthy lunch.

In my mind there are three negatives to SHOULDs:
1. They put us in black and white thinking and remove any alternatives.
2. They force us to be controlled by something outside of ourselves.
3. They snowball and can become evil tools for us to hammer ourselves.

So, the next time you catch yourself 'shoulding':
1. Remind yourself that it is coming from something external.
2. Give yourself some options around the should.
3. Ground yourself and decide which option makes the most sense for your current circumstances.
4. Let it go. (I admit this one is the hardest part.) But the more you practice it the happier you will be.

Live Happier QA: Help! My in-laws drive me crazy--any tips?

Welcome to Live Happier QA Thursday.  Today's question comes from Lori:

"My in-laws DRIVE ME CRAZY!!! I am getting ready to spend a week with them, how can I cope?"

As always I appreciate Lori's honesty!  Check out my answer to Lori's question below even if you don't have in-laws this video will give you tips on dealing with difficult people.

What about you?  Do you ever struggle with in-laws or other family members?  How did you handle it?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

How is it Serving You?

Frequently a client will come into my office talking about their anxiety, perfectionism, worry, inner critic, basically some habit they want to change. And one of my favorite questions to ask is "How is it serving you?' Frequently clients will look at me stunned and say "what?!?!" "Serving me, this behavior is driving me crazy, I want to change it that is why I am here!". And then I quickly explain that even negative behaviors 'serve' us in some way.

• They protect us from getting hurt.
• Keep our fears at bay.
• Keep us small so we don't have to risk.
• Keep us hopped up so we don't have to face ourselves.
• Keep us energized so we feel like we accomplish more.

We get something from the negative behavior.  Being able to name what you get helps us in two ways.

1. Until you can name what you are getting or how it serves you...you won't be able to change it. As long as you are 'getting' something from the behavior why would you want to change it?  So even if it driving you crazy to be overly anxious secretly, you enjoy that your anxiety allows you to accomplish a lot.  So in order to make any change you have to deal with that secret belief.  You have to look at the price you pay to potentially 'get more done'. And then ask yourself the truth---are you really getting more done or are you just feeling like that because you are so hopped up and anxious.

2. By paying attention to how the behavior is serving you it takes the 'evilness' off of the behavior.  It is hard to change something when we have demonized the behavior.  Let's take a basic example: You want to change the fact that you tend to run from thing to thing to thing and spend your days frantic.  You demonize this behavior telling yourself it is a bad thing and you need to change it. So you try to calmly go about your day, and you have success for many 4 hours and then before long you are frantic again.  Now, not only are you frantic but you are beating yourself up for failing and engaging in the negative behavior.  So now you are frantic AND haunted by your inner critic.

Let's go back and say you realize that the frantic behavior serves you by giving you energy because when you stop being frantic you are honestly exhausted so you hop yourself up on to do lists and anxiety to accomplish anything.  That isn't evil that is human.  So when you go to change the behavior you know you are going to have to have parameters in place to deal with that exhaustion.  For example: Turning off the TV and going to bed earlier, establishing sleep rituals, changing the expectations of what needs to be done in a day, or allowing time for 15 minute power naps in the day.

The point is by looking at how the behavior serves you, rather than demonizing yourself you can start to get at what is underneath the behavior and that is where real change occurs.

Whenever you notice a behavior that annoys you or something you would like to change--ask yourself 'How is this serving me?'

Live Happier QA: How can I let go of the need to always do it 'right'?

Welcome to Live Happier QA Thursday. Today's question comes from Susan:

"I keep obsessing about doing it "right" how can I can be happy with "just good enough"?"

So often we get stuck in the right way of doing things (another version of perfectionist syndrome) when in reality 99% of the time there is not a 'right' way.

 Watch my tips for Susan on letting go of this need to get it right.

 What about you? Do you have to 'get it right'? Is it something you want to change? How have you learned to let go of being 'right'

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 

For those of you who missed last week's Live Happier QA due to a technological snafu (I realized later that it was only 1 second long) I wanted to repost that video and question below.  Enjoy!  I totally apologize for the mistake.

Today's question comes from Missy:

"Back in the day, I use to be fun, I feel like since I had kids, I lost myself, how can I find me again?"

I think as we get older, take on more responsibilities and add more 'stuff' into our lives it is easier to lose ourselves.

We are so good at taking care of everyone else we forget to care for ourselves!!

Check out my answer to Missy below and the tips I have for getting her fun back.

Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 

 Want to download the Live Happier 101 Mini Course I mention in the video? Simply click here to sign up and have it delivered to your inbox!!

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

The How of Boundaries

Over the past few weeks I have been discussing boundaries. This is the 3rd part in a series on boundaries, two weeks ago I talked about the ways of setting boundaries, last week we discussed when to set boundaries and a today we are discussing how to set boundaries.

First off a quick visual. The image below is a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries. You and the other are whole containers. Each responsible for expressing and dealing with their individual Thoughts, Feelings, Wants and Needs. The wonderful thing is when we have a complete boundaries and we are able to express ourselves we don't have to 'take care of' the other person.

Healthy Boundaries:

 

So for example, you decide you don't want to go to happy hour with with a friend of your mine anymore.   Nothing against your friend, but you end up drinking too much and you want to spend Friday nights with your husband.  In option A. when you tell your friend, she can be disappointed, she can get angry and frustrated, she can have any emotions she wants and you know you are not responsible for fixing her.  You are allowed to say no that happy hour doesn't work in your schedule anymore.  And she is allowed to feel whatever she wants.  Because you know she will either process it in her own time and come to an understanding or she will come to you and ask for clarification.  She has every right to come back and ask to do lunch once a week and you can both compromise on a better/different time.

The problem happens when that same scenario takes place with no boundaries. So the picture below depicts 2 people who don't have a complete set of boundaries. There is no beginning and no end so you feel completely responsible for the other person and vice versa. So if we take the situation above and you tell your friend you don't want to come to happy hour any more. First off you will probably stew and stew and stew about it because you know she will be angry, and mad and you have to make it ok.  Because in this model you are responsible for her feelings too.  So if you do tell her then you will spend all your time explaining why and justifying your decision and making sure she is ok.

No Boundaries:

There isn't a step by step guide to setting boundaries. However, once you understand the model of healthy boundaries it makes the how so much easier.  When you can stand in your strength, know that you don't have to justify your decisions and give the other person a chance to be responsible for their own 'stuff' boundary setting becomes much easier.

To set healthy boundaries you have to know your needs, clearly speak them, know that you don't have to justify them and be willing to negotiate (side note: if you are setting firm boundaries to change a toxic relationship negotiating might not work)

I would love to hear from you. What do you struggle with when it comes to boundaries?  How have you grown in your own boundary setting?

Live Happier QA: Back in the day, I use to be fun, how can I find myself again?

Welcome to Live Happier QA Thursday.  Today's question comes from Missy:

"Back in the day, I use to be fun, I feel like since I had kids, I lost myself, how can I find me again?"

I think as we get older, take on more responsibilities and add more 'stuff' into our lives it is easier to lose ourselves.  We are so good at taking care of everyone else we forget to care for ourselves!!

Check out my answer to Missy below and the tips I have for getting her fun back.

What about you?  Can you relate to Missy?  How have you kept from losing yourself to the rush of life?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 

Want to download the Live Happier 101 Mini Course I mention in the video? Simply click here to sign up and have it delivered to your inbox!!

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

My Favorite Books

Clients often ask me for books recommendations.  My office has a bookshelf filled with resources, not to mention the overflowing bookshelves in my home office and living room.  I thought it would be fun to share some of those resources here:

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach:  This book changed my life.  I have read it probably 10 times and each time I pick it up I get new insight. Reading it is like taking a warm shower it is just a breath of fresh air to remind me that I am ok just as I am.  If you are working on self acceptance and giving yourself a break I HIGHLY recommend this book.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman:  This is a great book for relationships.  It is basic and simple, which is one of the reasons I love it.  This book addresses the subject of communication and how we all have different ways of giving and receiving love.  Frequently clients think there husband has no clue or can't figure it out when really they are just expressing a different love language. This book serves as a way to open up the lines of communication in a relationship.

Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck:  An amazing book for figuring out what you really want your life to look like.  More than just your career, this book looks at your whole life, your desires, dreams and limiting beliefs.  I remember the first time I read this book I couldn't put it down--so full of wisdom and ah ha's.

Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:  I have also read this book multiple times.  It is one of those books that when I am feeling lost or alone I will pick it up and open it randomly and it is like putting on an old comfy sweater.  I love the writing style and the journey that the author goes on.  It is one we all must take we just don't get to do it to such exotic locations.

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown.  I confess I am currently reading this one but it is AMAZING--and if you are a regular reader you know I am a HUGE Brené Brown fan.  All of her books are wonderful... this is her most recent and includes information from all of her previous work.  She talks about shame, vulnerability, and whole-hearted living from a very real, authentic research based place.  I highly recommend any of her books.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Riuz:  Another simple but oh so complex book.  Simply stated he says that we just need to live by 4 agreements and we will have peace--easier said than done.  When you read this book it all demes possible and wonderful and I frequently pick it up as a reminder that life doesn't need to be so hard.

Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum.  This book is full of witty, philosophical stories.  I remember reading it out loud with my mom around the kitchen table.  We would both be reading it and then get so excited we would have to read it out loud to each other.  I love this book for its insight and laughter.

Ok, your turn...what are some of your favorite books?  Please share I think we would all enjoy getting new book ideas :)

The When of Boundaries

Last week I wrote a post on boundaries and I got a lot of feedback about the challenge of setting boundaries.  Setting healthy boundaries are a natural part of a healthy relationship.  In essence, being lovingly aware of our boundaries is a good thing.  I have noticed over the years there seems to be 2 main issues with setting boundaries.

1. Knowing when to set them.  If you were taught growing up to not make waves, not be demanding, not stand out. You learned early on that speaking your needs was if not a lost cause, one that wasn't values. So before you can learn how to set boundaries you have to know what your needs are to be able to speak them.

2. Knowing HOW to set them. So if you know your needs and want to set a boundary knowing how to do it becomes the next challenge.  At this stage all types of fears come up...what if they get mad at me...what if they don't like me...what if a conflict starts.

So today I am going to address the WHEN of boundaries and next week I will tackle the HOW.

First off to know when to set boundaries you need to get clear on what you NEED.  To get started it might be helpful to download my Live Happier 101 Mini Course which has a great exercise to start drilling down on what is most important to you. You can sign up for the mini course here.

A great way to figure out what you need is to simple pay attention to yourself. Have some genuine curiosity and notice throughout the day when you feel anxious, frustrated, angry or stressed.

When you feel yourself getting anxious or frustrated then pay attention to what is going on.  Who are you with?  What tasks are you engaging in?  Is there something you need right now? Just start getting clear on what you NEED.

Some examples might be:

• you need more time,
• to someone to back off,
• to take something of your to do list,
• to go eat,
• to have a girls night

At first, just give yourself permission to just start naming the needs to yourself. Getting comfortable with the fact that you have needs and knowing what they are is the first step in knowing when to set boundaries.

As you get more comfortable in knowing and naming your needs then start asking yourself what has to happen in order for this need to be met...
do I need to say no? ask someone something?  speak up for myself? just do it?

Eventually you will see where boundaries need to occur in your life.  You will see that yes you do have needs, your needs ARE important AND you can speak up and have some of your needs met.

Now I do want to do a quick clarification here:  As with anything when taken too the extreme it can become harmful. Setting healthy boundaries is about knowing your needs, speaking up when needed, and recognizing when to compromise.  There are people in our lives that we will have to set ridged boundaries with and there are people in our lives who we can have loose boundaries with--the empowerment comes from being able to hold and set all types of boundaries. When we are too ridged we miss out and when we are too loose we miss out.

Check in next week for the HOW of setting boundaries.

Live Happier QA: Help! I am frustrated because I feel like I do all the chores.

Welcome to Live Happier QA Thursday.  Today's question comes from Jessie:

"I hate to admit it, but I am frustrated because people, ok my husband, aren't working as hard as me. Any suggestions?"

I really appreciate Jessie's honesty!  I know I have felt this way and I know clients have as well.  Jessie is definitely not alone!!

Check out my answer to Jessie's question below and tips I have for dealing with this frustration and how in all honesty, Jessie might be causing the frustration herself.

What about you?  Have you ever felt frustrated by a partner/co-worker or roommate that they aren't pulling their weight?  How did you deal with it?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 
For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

Putting Perfectionism in the Past

I confess I am a recovering perfectionist--it is something I remember struggling with as a child and something I am always working with.  Fortunately, over the years I have eased my perfectionist tendencies and rather than being an every day occurrence they tend to only come out and play when I am stressed or anxious.  Perfectionism is the belief and constant striving to do it perfect.   At times this striving allows us to do things we wouldn't normally do, work harder, do better.  However, rationally we all know perfection doesn't exist.  It is when we lose perspective that perfection isn't actually possible that the striving for perfection becomes unhealthy and down right debilitating. The danger of perfectionism is that it serves as a barrier not only from those around us but from our intuitive selves.  By holding on to the belief that we CAN do it perfectly we continually strive for something that doesn't exist. In an attempt to drive towards an impossible goal we can alienate ourselves and our loved ones. 

Below are some of the things we say to ourselves as perfectionists and tips I have for changing those thoughts/behaviors.

"I can do it better" "If only I work harder I will achieve perfection": This is a never-ending cycle because if what we are after doesn't exist it doesn't matter how hard we work.  Now the positive of this belief is that we are constantly striving for more.  We are challenging ourselves to grow and become stronger more whole human beings.  The problem with this belief is we don't celebrate our wins.  We don't enjoy the times when we reach a goal or hit a milestone. Rather we keep plowing ahead for that ever-elusive perfection.
Tip: Recognize when you have hit a milestone or goal, even if it wasn't perfect.  Throw frequent mini celebrations for trying or doing a great job even if it wasn't perfect.

"If I had more time it would be better" This one belief is why a lot of perfectionists tend to be procrastinators.  Because the reason the paper or project isn't perfect isn't because we failed but because we ran out of time.  This belief is extremely tricky to change because we aren't aware that we are procrastinating out of a fear of perfectionism.
 Tip: If you are a procrastinator, get really honest as to why.  If you are a chronic procrastinator and a perfectionist, chances are they are linked.  Next time you have a project due, challenge yourself to not procrastinate, try to sit in the uncomfortableness of potentially not getting it done perfectly AND not having timing to blame it on.

"If I do it perfectly I won't be disappointed" This is another one of those sneaky, hard to see unconscious beliefs.  But somewhere we believe that being perfect will protect us from pain.  As if perfection gives us an invisible shield against hurt and disappointment. We tell ourselves if we achieve perfection than everything will be ok.
 Tip:  This belief keeps us from really engaging in life.  Truth is you will never be perfect and therefore you will never be enough.  Start building awareness of how often you think to yourself, if only I were skinnier, cuter, or smarter. Each time you hear yourself saying this take a deep breath and remind yourself "I am ok as I am" "I am imperfect and lovable".  Then physically give yourself a hug, smile at yourself in the mirror, do a dance or give yourself a high five.  The combination of changing the words in your head AND moving your body will slowly release the hold of perfectionism.

Perfectionism can be overcome.  It can lessen and it doesn't have to be the never ending carrot chasing that it feels like. Are you a recovering perfectionism? How does your perfectionism serve you?  How does it hurt you?

Curiosity, Compassion and Boundaries Oh My!

One thing that seems to be a universal struggle is setting boundaries. The concept of setting boundaries can be a confusing one.  We are taught to have curiosity about other people, to be compassionate about what they are dealing with so how can we then set a boundary which feels so cold and mean.  So I want to clear up some confusion about boundaries.

Boundaries are part of a healthy relationship.  When we are able to define where we end and another person begins that is healthy.  Boundaries help us teach other people how to treat us.  They let others know when we are angry, sad, or pushed too far.  When we can communicate our boundaries and let others know they have crossed them we can make real change in a relationship.  Too often we are taught that saying no, making a request, speaking a need means we are being selfish, needy or disrespectful.  But in reality, how can someone every really get to know you if they don't know where your edges are, what makes you hurt, and what your needs are. Boundaries allow us to fully show up as humans which naturally allows a healthy relationship to grow.

You can be curious about someone's behavior AND set a boundary.  Let's say for example, your friend is always running late sometimes it is 5 minutes sometimes it is 30 minutes but you can always count on them to be late. For the most part this behavior doesn't bother you but there are times when you are left sitting at a restaurant or missed the beginning of a movie because he was late. So you might have some curiosity around this behavior and you might even come to understand that he just can't help it, he gets caught up in activities and loses track of time.  Even though you know this about him, you understand this about him and you have compassion for him you also know that this behavior annoys you.

In all honesty, this behavior DRIVE YOU CRAZY.  And that, my friend, is completely valid.  You have every right to express that he drives you crazy being late and draw a boundary around it.  So the conversation can go like this.  You can say, "Hey Fred, I know you have a problem with running late, I get it you get caught up in doing stuff and you lose track of time. But last week when we missed the first 30 minutes of the movie I was really annoyed." "So from now if you aren't there within 10 minutes of the scheduled time I am moving on without you." Boundary set.  Fred can respond however he wants to, and chances are that Fred gets it and will want to change the behavior.  But you have lovingly set the boundary.

You don't always have to explain the boundary.  Sometimes it is necessary to set a boundary but you don't always have to explain what you are doing.  This is handy with people, who aren't open to your feedback or for relationships that aren't as close.  For example, you have a co-worker, Mindy who loves to play the victim role and whenever you see her she goes on and on about how terrible her life is and yet, takes no responsibility for it.  She is always asking you to go to happy hour and inevitably you spend 3 hours hearing about how miserable her life is and it just leaves you totally drained.

If you choose, you can have a conversation with Mindy about this behavior, but chances are that Mindy won't be able to hear you and because she is a co-worker you need to be able to work with her without animosity.  So you can set a boundary without having an explanatory conversation.   You can decide that you are  only going to go out with her over the lunch hour because the time will be limited.  Or you are only going to lunch with her if you can get other co-workers to go too.  There are a lot of creative ways you can limit your contact with her by setting a boundary without sitting her down and explaining the boundary.   Chances are if you said to her "Mindy, I get you have a crappy life and it is just hard to spend time with you because all you do is complain". Mindy won't be able to hear you and won't be able to change.

Boundaries are a healthy part of life and are a definite challenge to set.  As you practice setting them they can get easier, I promise.

I would love to hear from you.  What are struggles you have with setting boundaries? What is your reaction to the term 'setting boundaries' does it make your skin crawl, is it something you are good at, unsure of...Comment below!

Live Happier QA: Any tips for dealing with my anxiety?

Today's we are doing Live Happier QA a little different.  Last week I answered Beth's question about passing on anxiety to your kids.  Beth emailed me this week and said:

"Thanks for the answer, we have implemented some of your tips.  Now, how can I reduce my own anxiety? Any tips?"

Absolutely!!  I have tips!!  So I decided to push Beth's follow-up question up to the front of the line and do a Part 2 to the whole anxiety issue.

Anxiety, is something I deal with in my own life and definitely something I help clients with.

Check out my answer to Beth's question below and the easy, quick ways to help decrease anxiety.  Just a heads up, overcoming anxiety is a process so be patient with yourself in implementing these tips.

What about you? How does anxiety play a role in your life?  Have you noticed this problem in your own world?  How do you deal with your anxiety?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 
For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

Cookie Cutter Land

If you have ever watched the show Weeds, you have heard the song "Little Boxes" this song epitomizes the idea of cookie cutter loves--check out the video below.Or if you are watching this via email--check it out here.


Thanks to BeautifulDay for the clever video of Ticky Tacky.

This song always makes me smile, because it is so true.  On one hand as humans we love similarity, sameness, consistency.  We love having a plan, knowing the next steps, having the path laid out in front of us.  We want to know school, career, marriage, house, kids. There can be a switch up to the order of that--but what if things don't fall in that order? Or what if they do and you still aren't happy?

Cookie Cutter Land means we have in a sense, given up on really paying attention to our own values, wants and needs and have swallowed whole the social norms of life.  So rather than living a life based on our own inspiration, ideas and thoughts we have just followed what everyone else is doing. Now don't get me wrong, we all need guidance, a little cookie cutter, in my opinion, is a good thing.  It gives us a direction. Provides us with a starting point and even an end goal.  The issue for me is that a cookie cutter life, by it's very nature does not have differences.  It does not allow for growth or change.  To live in Cookie Cutter Land means we are stuck in a sort of quick sand of expectations, pressure and outside direction. When we live in Cookie Cutter Land we can get stuck in anxiety, driven by to-do lists and 'shoulds', we miss the joy of life.  We miss the fun because we are always chasing the carrot that some magical baker in the sky told us we could get (but he just keeps moving it) and to be honest, we don't even know who this baker is or why we put him in charge. 

So what can you do if you wake up one day and realize you are living or dangerously close to a Cookie Cutter Life?

As you have heard me say.  Awareness is ALWAYS the first step. So just pay attention to your life.
What do you like about it? If I were to observe your life would I see your unique style? In what areas, have you bought the idea that other people know better than you?  Where do you regret letting go of your unique ideas and replacing them with other people's ideas?

Look back at you at a younger age.  For many of us when we were in high school or college we were celebrating our uniqueness.  We found a group of people who accepted us and it was ok that we were passionate, excited and ready to change the world.  Who were you then? What were you excited about?  Is that excitement/passion still there? How can you add it into your life?

 When you look at your life right now--what do you value?  For many people, this is a tough question. But I believe it is the first step to figuring out what you want your life too look like.  When you know what you value you aren't as likely to get caught up in what people tell you that you SHOULD value.  You can make decisions about your life and the direction you want to take it.Need help naming your values? Sign up to get a free copy of my Live Happier 101 Mini Course to get started.

One of my missions is to help those people who are tired of having a Cookie Cutter Life--who want to reconnect with themselves and live a life that is true to who they are--who want to Live Happier.  I too got stuck in Cookie Cutter land, but fortunately was able to break free.  My life looks traditional-house in the suburbs, dog, cat, husband.  But it is uniquely mine.  You don't have to sell your house, leave your family and move to a commune to break free from Cookie Cutter Land.  You just have to live a life that is true to who you are.

How to Stop Running into Gunfire

Last week someone posted the quote above on Facebook and it made me smile.  We all have people in our lives who no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we explain, no matter how nice, clever, perceptive we are they just don't get it.  You know the friend, parent or co-worker who just can't be happy for you, who never has a kind word to say who is hyper-judgmental and even down right cruel.  They are MAJOR energy drains who leave us feeling exhausted, beaten down and criticized. And yet, we keep going back.  We keep sharing our heart and soul with them.  We keep HOPING this time maybe they will hear us and support us.

Here are some common 'lies' we tell ourselves, that keep us, as a client so eloquently said "running into the gunfire"

Lie: "I can fix it." If I am empathetic enough, supportive enough or understanding enough I can help them be less cruel.  I can help them feel less like a victim and more empowered.  I can do it.
Bottom line:  You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.  We are all responsible for our own stuff.  So it doesn't matter how lovely you are to someone, if they don't want to be helped and meet your love with anger and cruelty every time it just isn't worth it. Not to say you shouldn't be compassionate with other people.  You can be compassionate and have strong boundaries.

Lie: "If only I explain it right they will get it." Here the belief is that it isn't that they just can't hear us, it is that we aren't explaining it correctly.  This lie can be especially damaging because it makes us believe there is something wrong with us.  It makes us think that at our core, we are the one's who are doing something wrong and on some level we deserve the cruelty or the criticism.
Bottom line:  There is nothing wrong with you!!  You NEVER deserve to be criticized, demeaned or judged. PERIOD.  Let me say that again.  You NEVER deserve to be criticized, demeaned or judged. PERIOD. You deserve to be around people who love you, support you and when they don't get it--ask for clarification in a loving way.

Lie: "Why don't they get it, maybe if we talk it out more I can understand them better."  The heart of this lie is the need to understand, why they are acting that way.  Why are they being judgmental?  How can they be so cruel?  So we keep going back for more punishment in a quest to understand why because MAYBE once we understand why we can change them.
Bottom line: Don't  get stuck in trying to understand.  It is wonderful to have curiosity around people and try to understand their behavior. But when that process, requires us to continue to run into gunfire just for the sake of curiosity...that is suicidal.  You can have curiosity from a distance.  Yes, they might have had a crappy childhood, or maybe they are in a dead-end marriage AND that doesn't give them carte blanche to treat everyone like dirt.

Why lie do you relate to?  Are there other lies you tell yourself to keep engaging with people who drain you and belittle you?

Overall Bottom line:  You never have to justify, prove or defend your behavior to anyone.  You deserve to be surrounded by people who lift you up and add to your life.  It is ok to draw boundaries;  to say no;  to only share minimal details; to protect yourself from people who's main job it has been to tear you down.  And eventually, if they prove that they can do it better, it is ok to let them back into your life.

Live Happier QA: Help! I am passing on my anxiety to my kids

Today's Live Happier QA is from Beth and she asks;

"Help!  I struggle from anxiety and I have noticed I am passing it on to my little girls.  How do I stop this from happening?"

Anxiety in woman is a chronic problem!  When we are obsessed with our to-do lists and get caught up in rush, rush, rush we easily can pass this pattern on to our kids.

Check out my answer to Beth's question below and the easy, quick ways to help stop this pattern.

What about you? How does anxiety play a role in your life?  Have you noticed this problem in your own world?  How do you deal with your anxiety?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 
Live Happier QA I am passing my anxiety on to my kids. from Nancy Jane Smith on Vimeo.

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!

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It is in you.

I love this quote by Helen Keller.  Every time I read the quote I think about  Helen Keller, unable to hear or speak, in many ways, for a long time, she was all she had.  Her internal voice was all there was to guide her and clearly she still struggled with listening to it.

We on the other hand are inundated with messages.
Buy this.
Look like this.
Do this.
Be this.

We are sold that if we achieve this level of success, buy this car, live in this neighborhood, achieve this award, attend this event we will be something: happier, more content, less anxious.  The sense is once we accomplish THIS we will arrive, the heavens will open and confetti will rain down from the sky.

We all know this NOT to be true.  We all know that what inevitably happens is that THIS moves. Whatever we were chasing once we achieve it will be quickly replaced with the next THIS.  It is as if we are participating in the high jump and after each successful jump the stick just gets moved up to the next rung.  So we NEVER fully succeed and what we are left with is a deep, unending ache.  A hunger that never gets filled.

So what if today we started looking internal?  We noticed all the things we are striving for and we ask ourselves--where did this come from?  Is this an external or an internal message?

I use this all the time in my own life.  I have many things I am striving for a healthy, supportive marriage, loving relationships with my friends and family, and a thriving, genuine business. Those are my internal motivators but every now and then I get caught up in my external measuring sticks.

I hear the message--if you made THIS much money you would be a success, if you had kids then you would be happy, if you owned this house or took this vacation you would be content.  Each new measuring stick I have to exam and look at and ask--is this coming from ME or an external message?  More often than not it is an external message.

 Because my internal messages are honestly pretty simple and deal with the themes of health, support, love, and authenticity. AND most importantly my internal messages don't have a measuring stick, they don't have a finish line, they have a feeling, a concept and they involve a process.  My external input convinces me that someday I will be done and that there is a finish line.  The truth?  You will never be done.  Even when you hit the proverbial finish line.  So let's stop looking externally and believing the lie of success and let's follow Helen Keller's advice--it is in you.

Getting Out of the Busy.

Go go go.  It is a plague on our culture--the need to go go go.  The ideas of weekends of nothing, letting our kids play hours on end or time to 'just be' is a foreign concept to many of us.    From the times we wake up to the time we go to bed we are on the move.  We are busy, our kids are busy, we have become a culture of busy.  Some of that busy is awesome. It allows us to feed our interests, explore new ideas, to grow and change.  Some of that busy is dangerous.  It keeps us from re-connecting with ourselves and our families and it keeps us stuck in perpetual motion so we are in a constant state of stress and anxiety.

Of course, there are radical ways to shift our busy lifestyles.  Stopping everything or adopting a minimalist lifestyle.  I am more of a slight shifter than a radical shifter--so here are some relatively simple, easy, non-radical ways of shifting your busy, busy, busy lifestyles.  When we shift the busy we can relax a bit, get back in touch with ourselves again and learn what matters most.

Commit to eating a certain number of meals together as a family.  This can be dinners during the week or weekend brunches, it doesn't matter.  But commit to eating a certain number of dinners as a family.  And TALK to each other. Talk about your day, play a word association game, have fun.

Implement a family night.  One night a month where you just have fun.  Maybe it is playing WI or  Monopoly, maybe it is watching a movie while eating homemade ice cream sundaes. Just join together as a family and engage with each other.  Laugh and have fun.

Plan free time.  Yep, you read correctly. Plan some time that is unscheduled, unaccounted for and free.  Allow yourself, your kids, your spouse to do whatever they want in this time.  Give yourself time to just be.

Take Stock.  Before you take on another 'to-do' ask yourself or your kids Do I really want to do this activity?  What will I gain from this activity?  What will I lose by engaging in this activity?

Do something different.  Get out of your busy, busy, busy pattern.  Take a different way to work or school. Experiment with a new food, order something different at the coffee shop or try a different workout.

Give Back.  One of the dangers of being busy is you get too caught up in yourself.  Figure out a cause where you can give back.  Cleaning out your closets, donating food, feeding the homeless etc.

Any other ideas you have for getting out of the busy?  How does being busy help or hurt you?

Live Happier QA: Accepting Compliments and Praise

Today's Live Happier QA is from Melanie and she asks;

"Do you have any tips for how to become more skilled at accepting compliments or praise?"

I believe deflecting or dismissing compliments hurts our ability to live happier for 2 reasons:

1. it cuts us off from the person offering the compliment
2. it is usually a sign we are feeling unworthy or undeserving of positive reinforcement.

Check out my answer to Melanie's question below.

What about you? Do you have problems with accepting compliments?  Is it something you have gotten more skilled at?  How?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 
Live Happier QA Accepting a Compliment from Nancy Jane Smith on Vimeo.

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!

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Maybe, It's Not all About You

As a kid I use to love the show Three's Company, if you have ever watched it (and I know I am dating myself here) every show is pretty much built around their being some sort of misunderstanding.  That misunderstanding tends to be around someone overhearing something and taking it wrong, and thinking it is all about them. Many of the great comedy shows are built up on the idea that most of us as human, think most stuff is all about us and because of that tendency, misunderstandings occur rather easily.

For whatever reason our tendency is to believe that everything is about us.  Your partner wakes up in a bad mood and we think we did something wrong.  We hear someone talking about 'him or her' on the phone and we think it is about us.  Someone honks their horn and we look around to see if we did something wrong.  It is a human tendency to believe the world is all about us--sounds selfish or self centered but in reality for many people it is more of a shame based tendency.  We assume we did something wrong because at our core we believe there is something fundamentally wrong with us so of course if something goes wrong, if someone is annoyed, if there is a problem more than likely it is us.

While this misunderstanding can be very funny in comedy writing--it can be very painful in every day life.  So here are some easy ways to overcome "It's all about me syndrome":

Check it out.  Ask yours spouse if he/she is upset with you or if you did something wrong.  Clarify with your co-worker, if they are annoyed with you.  When you can, verify if what you are seeing/feeling/hearing is truly about you.

The rule of 3. This is one of my favorites. If you can't clarify then come up with 3 other reasons that person might be upset, ignoring you or talking about you.  For example, you are at work and a co-worker who usually stops in your office first thing in the morning, just walks right by without saying anything.  Stop and think of 3 reasons that have nothing to do with you that that behavior occurred. 1. They are late for a meeting  2. They are upset about an argument with their wife 3.  They they just got reprimanded for talking too much.

Simply remind yourself 'it isn't all about me'.  I use this tip frequently to remind myself that I am thinking my personal power to control the world is a bit out of whack.  I am not responsible for everything int he world.  If someone is upset with me and I am unaware, it is their responsibility to let me know they are upset. I don't have to be a mind reader and take care of everyone and everything in the world.

Do you deal with this syndrome?  How do you overcome it?  What are some tips and tricks you have?  Where has this type of misunderstanding affected your life?