Live Happier Tip: View Your Life as a Visitor

This weekend I joined two of my favorite people, my mom and my aunt on a 24 hour marathon trip to attend my cousins baby shower.   I am a big fan of travel.  I love travel because it breaks up the routine and allow me to get a new perspective.  I had a client, who deals with anxiety, explain why she loves traveling.  She said "I love traveling because it is the only time when I don't have to think about my 'to-do' list because I traveling is one giant to-do: TRAVEL.  That is all you have to do, just travel. "

Every now and then a client will say something that just blows me away--that was a reason why I liked traveling too!  Traveling allows you to just pay attention to the small stuff--you aren't worried about the to-do list you are thinking about where to eat your next meal, what the scenery looks like, what your travel companions are saying.  You are looking at the little things.  The secret is in the little things.  For me traveling allows me to see the world with wonder and amazement--but what if I brought that wonder home to my own house.  What if I treated my next meal the way I treat eating while traveling.  Rather than thinking of it as a to-do what if I thought of the most delectable healthy thing I could eat.  What if I observed the leaves changing in my town as much as I did on the east coast?  What if I listened to my friends and aquaintances as much as I listened to my mom and aunt?  What if I became more concentrated on the little things and less about the to-do list.

So when I got home yesterday I decided to try it--to look at my life through the eyes of a visitor.  I looked at my house as I did the bed and breakfast--with new eyes of fascination and appreciation. I ate my meal with excitement and savor. I read my book with full attention and was able to put aside my list of to-dos. And today I relaxed my to-do list mind and greeted the day with wonder and adventure.  I still accomplished a lot but it was less about checking off the to-do and more about the experience.

I will always love travel because it does shake up the normal routine and allows me to see new places.  However it is helpful every now and then to look at your life as if it were some new destination.  To greet the day with wonder and adventure rather than a long list of to-dos. I challenge you to the experiment of viewing your life as a visitor and tell me what you learned.

Life Lessons: the Spiral Up Effect

Life lessons are such a blessing and such a challenge. Sometimes the lesson is simple and sometimes it takes us years to master it. The one thing about life lessons we keep learning more and more until we have them mastered. I love the concept that I call spiraling up.  Spiraling up means we might come back to the lesson and it might FEEL like we are re-learning the same lesson but really we are experiencing it at a new level with a new insight, a new situation, a new challenge.  And then when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.

A client of mine came into see me after her divorce.  She was run down and depleted. In her marriage, she had completely lost herself and had no sense of self and now post marriage she wanted to makes some changes.  We worked together on figuring out what mattered to her, setting boundaries, saying no and developing a strong sense of who she was. She in essence started learning the life lesson: In order to take care of yourself you need to set firm boundaries.   Then she entered a new relationship, and this was a new test.  She had figured out how to set boundaries with friends/acquaintances but this was the next level: a significant relationship.  A few months in to the relationship she came back to see me.  She was very frustrated with herself because she was really struggling with telling him no, not losing herself, keeping her own life, setting boundaries etc.  She said "I thought I had this lesson and now I am re-learning EVERYTHING" and then I reminded her no you are just spiraling up--hitting the lesson at the next level.  Now you have all that you learned before and you are learning how to implement it at THIS level it is a whole new place.  You aren't re-learning you are learning more.  With this new perspective she was able to relax a bit and remember that she knew how to set boundaries, she knew who she was and she wasn't the same woman who had married her first husband.  She just needed to apply that knowledge to this new relationship.  With a little work I am pleased to report it worked!

When you think about life lessons as spiraling up it gives a new perspective.  While we do repeat  lessons, we don't unlearn all we have implemented before.  We repeat the lesson one step up with new perspective, new challenges and new information that we didn't have the last time the lesson came into our lives.  So the next time you have a sense of deja vu when it comes to a life lesson remind yourself you are just spiraling up.

Live Happier Tip: Sleep

I am going back to basics again today for my live happier tip of the week.  Get your sleep.  We are all busy people, jobs, kids, relationships, hobbies, TV shows, lots of stuff we have to do with our time.  Unfortunately in our culture getting your sleep is not something we value.  Sleep is the first thing to go.  We stay up late reading, watching TV, working, cleaning who knows what.

Getting your sleep is invaluable to living happier. It allows your mind and body to regroup.  It gives your body a chance to rejuvenate for the next day.  Sleep is not something that just happens we cannot expect our bodies to go go go all day right up to the moment we lay our heads on the pillow and then expect to get a good nights sleep.  We need rituals and quiet around sleeping.  Most importantly we need to start valuing it.  For many of my friends who all have busy lives it almost becomes a competition on who needs the least amount of sleep. Dr. Rubin Naiman has done a number of studies about the importance of sleep and is a well known expert on it benefits.

I have a client who is chronically sleep deprived--she has 3 children and a spouse and works full time.  She walks into our sessions (no matter what time) with her large coffee and bags under her eyes. We have been talking about self care and getting sleep for many sessions now.  Finally a few weeks ago she said you know what I just don't value sleep I have too many things I would rather get done.  So I challenged her that IF she got more sleep she would accomplish more and her life would be richer.  She did not believe me but accepted the challenge. Ideally I would have had her take three nights to get as much sleep as she needs.  To allow her to go to sleep at the same time each night and wake up naturally, without an alarm. This would enable her body to reset and allow her to figure out how much sleep she really needed.  However, being the mother of 3 children and working full time she did not have the time for that activity. We agreed she would go to sleep at the same time each night (at least within an hour of the same time) and try to get between 7-8 hours a night for two weeks.  When she came back in she was not carrying a coffee and the bags had dissipated.  She was smiling from ear to ear and said you were right--I haven't felt this good in years.  I am able to focus at work and be present with my kids I am not obsessed with thinking about how exhausted I am or how to wake up or drinking coffee.  She said she was amazed at the amount of time she use to think about sleep!

I am please to report--she has continued to keep up her sleep habits.  She and her husband have established a ritual around going to sleep and once the kids go to bed they dim the lights, fix a hot beverage, and start winding down to get ready for sleep. She said just having the lights dimmed and knowing that it is quiet time has helped her body ease into sleep.  In the past, once the kids went to bed  she shifted into high gear: working on the computer, cleaning the house, running from activity to activity.  Now she might engage in the same activities but at a slower less intense pace and she has made a commitment to herself that at 10pm she is to be preparing for bed.

Sleep is about a commitment, it is about rituals and it will help you live happier.

WOW Moments

There is a lot of talk about living in the present moment, staying grounded, being aware etc.  As you know from reading my blog I am a big fan of awareness myself--and believe it is the foundation of any major change.  I am also a big believer that becoming present or aware is a process--one that takes time.  Unfortunately it isn't something where we just decide--today I am going to be aware and not worry about my future or obsess about my past and poof it happens!  I believe that living in the present moment is a continuum and it starts with wow moments.

Unfortunately most of us are walking around totally cut off from our bodies--we are living in our heads all the time--obsessing about our to do list or 'what iffing' about our future we aren't really paying attention to what is happening around us or what we are thinking, feeling or needing.

Every now and then we have a wow moment--a moment that really stands out and hits you like a Mack Truck.  These moments really speak to your soul.  They can consist of a beautiful sunset, a holiday event, having an anniversary, being on vacation etc.  These moments are out of our 'normal world'.  So even if we are living in our heads most of the time when we experience a wow moment we become grounded in the present and are able to drop down into our bodies.  During these wow moments time tends to stand still we can describe in detail what it looks like, smells like, feels like. We are completely present.

For example, I can remember in 7th grade--my mom sent me balloons for my birthday.  A huge boutique of balloons that I can picture in detail, I can remember where I sat in class when I got them and having them tied to the back of my chair, I can remember walking through the halls carrying my balloons. I can remember how special I felt to have received balloons from my mom.  That was a wow moment for me.  It sticks with me even decades later.

So pay attention to your life and think about what are the wow moments? What are the moments that really stand out for me, where I was really present to what was happening?  What did they feel like? Describe them, re-live them.  The more we pay attention to our wow moments--the more we know what it feels like to be in the present moment--the more we can practice getting out of our heads and being present to our worlds.

The beauty is that as we become more aware of our present and the 'moments' in our life--we will notice these wow moments happen all the time:  As you are reading your child a bed time story, when a friend calls you with good news, enjoying a cup of coffee, having a really good conversation with a friend, taking a walk on a crisp autumn morning, when your partner comes home and gives you a hug, when a co-worker gives you a compliment.

So enjoy your wow moments and pay attention to how often they happen this week.  Because as we look for wow moments in our day to day life our worlds open up and become much more vibrant and colorful.  Noticing these moments will help you live happier.

Permission to Play

Yesterday I decided to take the day off and go hiking.  I have been wanting to go hiking for awhile and so I cleared my schedule and grabbed my dog Mocha and off we went.  I have a tendency to not plan well but this trip I remembered to pack a lunch, my camera, and water for me and my dog.  I also have a tendency to be pretty intense about my hike--my mission for this hike was to get away, clear my head, enjoy the scenery, take some good photos and basically have the afternoon to play.  However, as I started the hike I noticed I was going at break neck pace and my mind was racing...Was I going fast enough? Was I burning any calories? Did I pick a trail that was too long? What if someone saw my dog was off-leash? (illegal in this area--but I did put her on leash whenever we walked near people!!).  Fortunately about 15 minutes in I became aware of this behavior and realized, this is my afternoon to play, this is not my afternoon to worry or get a workout or be timely.  This is my afternoon to wander, to look around, to watch my dog run with abandon through the trees and smell every fabulous scent she could find.  I realized I had to give myself permission to play.

At first I was a little sad, permission to play!?  I thought how sad is that I need permission?!?!  But then I realized I do, I need permission to put aside my to do list, my calendar, my workout and just play.  And play I did, I jumped in streams, I checked out woolly worms, I stopped by a lake and ate my lunch, I took 100s of pictures of the beautiful changing trees, I played for 4 blissful hours.

So many times in our lives we plan a vacation, plan a party, plan a fun event and we get lost in the worry.  We get lost in the stress of the planning and we miss the moment of fun.  We miss the play part.  To live happier we need to include the play.  So my challenge to you is give yourself permission to play, whatever that means for you, swing on a swing, blow bubbles, laugh until your belly hurts, just play.

How do you play?  Let me know what you do when your give yourself permission to play?

*******************************

For More Information on me and my services--check out my website:  www.NancyJaneSmith.com

Self Care is NOT Selfish

If I had a dollar for every time I say to a client--self care is not selfish I would be able to retire to a beach somewhere.  Unfortunately, especially as women we have not been taught the beauty of self care.  In my practice, self care is the first homework assignment I give my clients.  They need to pick what 'soothes their soul' whether it be a hot bath, reading a good book, journalling, walking, a good conversation with a good friend, writing, a movie etc.  I usually give women the permission to have 30 minutes of self care as their homework.  I am consistently amazed at the number of women who return to my office unable to complete the homework--worksheets, yes, self care no.  Frequently it is because they don't know how to do self care--one client took a bath and spent the whole time scrubbing the mud from her farm off her hands. Yes, while that is taking care of one self it is not SELF CARE.

Over the past few months I have been working with a teenage client who struggles with being the 'counselor' in her circle of friends-she is the one that everyone comes to--the one who will listen and worry and be there for you if you are having a problem.  She, not surprisingly, is pretty popular--she is also suffering from anxiety.  Recently her anxiety started dropping, she started standing up for herself, not taking on the drama, recognizing when her bucket was getting empty and making changes accordingly.  Unfortunately while she felt better, less anxious, more focused and happier, she felt very guilty.  I said to her it is ok to be selfish and she looked at me like I had 3 heads.  WHAT!?!?  she cried--I can't be selfish.  I said taking care of yourself, having good boundaries, saying NO, saying I don't need to justify that, or defend that action, is healthy.  I don't think she believes me yet--but fortunately she is seeing that having good boundaries and putting herself first is allowing her to have more quality people in her life--people that really care about her and vice vera.  People that aren't just using her for her ability to listen or to be the caretaker.  I call these people the globbers because they tend to glob onto our energy, our time, our lives. They aren't there to help us or add to our lives they are there to take away.

How do you take care of yourself?  How do you make sure your bucket stays full?  Do you take time for  hot baths, reading a good book, getting a massage, walking outside, talking with a good friend, journalling, writing, drawing, listening to music, meditating, laughing out loud, saying no to things you don't want to do, or just saying yes to things you want to do.  Let me know!   By sharing you are helping us all learn the power of self care.

*******************************

For More Information on me and my services--check out my website:  www.NancyJaneSmith.com

Live Happier Tip: Gratitude--Name Your 5 Things

I have to admit after last week and the barrage of negative voices--gratitude has been my theme for the weekend.  So I decided to include gratitude as my Live Happier tip for this week.  Gratitude is such a wonderful thing and something unfortunately, easy to overlook. We are quick to name what we need, what's missing, what's wrong. Rarely do we name or concentrate on what we are grateful for.

So this week's Live Happier Tip is: End your day saying the 5 things you are grateful that happened that day.  I am big fan of rituals and this is one I added to my nightly routine a few years ago.  So before you fall asleep--think back on your day and rather than naming all the things you didn't get done or all the people that annoyed you or all the things you have to do tomorrow--list the 5 things for which you are most grateful.  Some days it will be as simple you are grateful the day is over or you are grateful you are lying in your bed.  Other days it will be more powerful you are grateful your teenage daughter gave you a hug first thing this morning, you are grateful your husband made dinner, you are grateful you were able to finish a really good book.

When I first started, my list was pretty basic, I was grateful for breathing, a good meal, a good conversation.  At times, I admit, it was difficult to come up with 5 especially as I started doing it nightly.  Gradually, rather then just reflecting back on the day, I started paying attention and noticing in the moment (ah awareness!!!)  experiences/conversations/people for which I was grateful.   Then I would make a mental note to add that event to my top five list.  Now my list is frequently longer than five so I get to spend my time remembering the 10 things I am grateful for and me being the organizer that I am (and a bit of an insomniac) I can narrow it down to my top 5.

So this tip has an extra bonus because it will help insomnia!  I use to struggle a lot with insomnia--shutting off my brain /my to do list--but I admit since adding this ritual sleep has gotten a lot easier.  I end my day feeling grateful and my to do list takes second fiddle to the joy I am feeling--what a way to go to sleep!!  This tip has definitely helped me Live Happier.

*******************************

For more information on me and my services--check out my website:  www.NancyJaneSmith.com

Shutting off the Negative Voice

Last night I was having dinner with one of my best friends and we were doing the usual processing/venting/ sharing of our lives.  We hadn't had time to get together for awhile so there was MUCH to catch up on.  As we were talking, a common theme developed which was the way we talk to ourselves.  As my friend said isn't it amazing I would never talk to you that way yet I talk to myself like that all the time.  And I immediately thought (as I have a tendency to do these days) that would be a great blog post!

It is true--that little tiny voice in the back of our heads comes out and can just hammer us "you aren't good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, caring enough, tough enough, organized enough on and on and on".  And if we aren't aware of it that voice can quietly mutter all day long how terrible, weak, and pathetic we are until the mutter becomes like a megaphone and we just believe everything it says.  We would NEVER talk to our friends or our loved ones that way yet frequently we allow it to just hang out in our brain beating us down.

Fortunately my voice over the years has gotten quieter.  I can remember there was a time when I would feel like I was living with camera's in my house--everything was up for criticism: how late I slept, how clean my house was, how I chose to spend my time, how I looked, what I wore, who I talked to etc. I have become more aware of her (my voice is a her) and try to catch her before she gains too much influence.   However in the interest of full disclosure, this week my little voice has been out in full force just hammering away.  I heard her  talking earlier in the week and tried to shut her down but I didn't really focus on her until last night at dinner.  As I was expressing how I felt and what I was thinking my friend was able to say "whoa what's up with that negativity?" and I realized WOW--that little voice has gained some serious momentum.  What had started as maybe a 'helpful' hint or two had ended up being a full blown attack on my self esteem.

There are 1000 theories as to why we have that voice, some say it is our ego, or fear, or just a negative voice.  I am not here to debate why it is here I am here to decrease some of her power.  So as with anything (you might get sick of me saying it--but it is SO true) it starts with awareness.  We have to be aware of that little voice and the fact that she is talking smack. At first we might not notice her until we are talking to someone and we start using her language or maybe we notice how we physically feel.  I usually notice her because I feel more on edge I am more snappish with my friends/significant others because I feel defensive and hostile.  I notice I am more insecure, more scared, more grouchy.  For you those feelings might be different--the key is to figure out what they are.  When your voice is talking to you do you get sad?  scared? angry? feel tension in your neck? your stomach?  All those things will help you bring awareness to her.  Once you know she is there you can call her out. I just speak right to her and let her know I am done listening and for a time she quiets down.

Sometimes your awareness comes later--like me this week--she had been going all week long and I had just let her run amuck.  So today I decided I need to take some action.  I sat down and I wrote two lists:  one all the things in my life I am grateful for and two all the things I love about myself and my life.  WOW--what a fabulous list--fortunately it was long and lovely.  I just sat there reading in all the wonderful things I have in my life and I immediately felt better and the monster that had been pecking at me all week lost her power.

My challenge to you is start noticing that voice.  Unfortunately we can't get rid of the voice forever, it comes back from time to time so you have to be vigilant.  Pay attention to how you feel when you hear her/him.  Pay attention to when he/she occurs. Don't let her/him run around in your head unchecked.  Call her out.  Sit her down and show her who's in charge here.  It will help you Live Happier.

Doing The Best We Can With What We Have

I am a big fan of the quote "we are doing the best we can with what we have".  From my internet research, I have found this is a Zig Ziglar quote.  He uses it to motivate people to achieve success.  In my practice and my life, I use it as a way to understand myself and other people.   Usually people aren't trying to hurt us by doing something different than we would.  They are just doing the best they can. Based on their past coping skills, personality traits, life stress their reaction/action probably makes sense.  It might not be our reaction or one that feels good to us but it is a logical reaction based on who this person is.  So by repeating this phrase it allows me to give them a little room to be who they are and to not take the action personally.

 I have a friend who when he gets overwhelmed from the world he shuts off his cell phone--so you can't reach him no matter how hard you try--he may do this for a few hours or a few days.  From time to time I take this act personally--I mean he should want to talk to ME I am one of his best friends? But really it has nothing to do with me--it is his coping skill it is him doing the best he can with what he has.   For him when he gets overwhelmed he needs to shut out the outside world and he does that by turning off his phone.  It is how he takes back control.  It isn't what I do--in fact it is the opposite of what I do. But when I can pause and remember he is doing the best he can with what he has--I am able to move on without getting hurt or sad and I know he will call when he feels like re-engaging with the world.

A more serious example,  I had client who was struggling with her sister because her sister had done something that hurt the family and they were having a hard time forgiving her.  Her family hadn't spoken to the sister in a few years and my client was experiencing a lot of grief, frustration and anger. When she pulled back and looked at the whole picture in the context of who her sister was (personality traits, family placement, coping skills) it wasn't that big of a stretch to see why she had engaged in the negative/hurtful behavior.  At the time she was doing the best she could with what she had--as was my client.  Once my client was able to see this she began to start the process of healing and moving forward.  It didn't change the fact that my client felt hurt by her sister or take away her sister's responsibility for the behavior.  But it did help my client pull back from the emotions to see that her sister's behavior wasn't meant to be intentional so she could move towards forgiveness rather than holding on to the hurt.

We are all just doing the best we can with what we have--most of us try very hard to be good people and make good decisions.  And we are all human, we all make mistakes, we all at one point or another have poor coping skills, poor response skills, poor conflict skills, poor listening skills.  But the secret is to have a little curiosity and ask yourself in the context of who this person is are they doing the best they can with what they have?  I swear by pulling back and asking this question it will help you Live Happier.

I'll Be Happy When Syndrome

It is a common struggle to say to ourselves "I will be happy when (fill in the blank)", when the kids sleep through the night, when I am in a relationship, when I lose 30 lbs, when I have a baby, when I own a house, when I love my job, when I retire, when I am on vacation.  The list can go on and on and on.  I often make the joke that when you are single every one asks when are you going to find someone--once you find that special someone the question is when are you getting married--and then when are you having a child and then when are you going to have another.  It is a dangerous trap to always be looking to the future for happiness.  The temptation to plan for the future is all around us.  If we aren't happy now then there is always the future.

It is my belief as with everything in the world--it is about balance.  Balancing being in the now--enjoying the change of seasons and the fact that as I write this post my dog is curled up next to me on her cozy fresh out of the laundry warm bed--but also planning ahead for the future, making marketing plans or thinking about where I want to be in 5 years.  Both of those are important.  It is important to have dreams and look towards the future but not at the expense of the present.  Frequently clients come in to my office so focused on what they don't have and stuck in 'all be happy when' syndrome that they miss their children growing or the joy they get from their friends or the happiness they find in their job.  One of my first roles as a therapist is to help someone engage in their present while making the necessary changes for their future. I admit sometimes we have to really LOOK to find the joys in our lives and sometimes they are pretty small.  I guarantee they are out there.  Even if it is noticing the change of seasons, enjoying a good cup of coffee, laughing with a friend, smiling at your children.  Small joys are everywhere and pull us out of the "I'll be Happy When Syndrome".

The ironic thing is many time when the "When" happens it brings other problems.  When we find a relationship we have to learn how to be in relationship when we have a child we have to learn how to raise a child, when we get the dream job we have to learn how to do it.  Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet in life there is no magical "When".  We won't necessarily be happier WHEN something happens.  So the key is to be striving for our future have goals/have purpose AND enjoy your present.  Don't miss out on the joys and happiness you have right now in your search for the "When".  Live Happier Now.

Live Happier Tip: Drink Water

Last week I ran into a friend of mine who has attended a few of my seminars.  She said she had been reading my blog and had noticed that I hadn't put up her favorite tip of mine--drink water.  I was a little shocked because to me this tip seems pretty boring.  But I admit that frequently people share that this tip has really helped them feel better and live happier.  So I decided to include it as this week's live happier tip:  Drink Water.

There is much debate about how much water we should drink--I know you have seen those giant containers that hold 64oz of water because we are suppose to drink 8-8oz glasses of water.  However, as with most things it is my belief that we just need to listen to our bodies.  I personally--drink more than 64 oz of water a day.  Water just makes me feel better. I know when my head gets fuzzy, I feel tired/sluggish, I am hungry usually I just need water.  I wake up every morning and drink a large glass of water and I immediately feel more awake.  It has been said that most of us walk around dehydrated because we aren't drinking enough water--we think we are hungry or tired when really we are just thirsty.

As with any new addition to our lives--we need to establish rituals around it.  So maybe if you aren't a water drinker you need to make a ritual that you will drink a large glass of water before every meal or every morning you will drink water before your cup of coffee.  As you start adding times to drink water into your life--pay attention to how your body feels before and after you take a drink. I guarantee you will feel better.

Make it fun--drink it out of a fancy glass, or add flavoring like a lemon or crystal light or mint. Most importantly pay attention to the beauty of water--to how your body feels when you add this easy, economical gift to your life. I guarantee you will live happier.

Life Balance--How Full is Your Bucket?

I love the power of analogy. In that vein, let's think of your life energy as a bucket of water.   All of us have a bucket of water and the goal is to keep the water at about the same level.  The water that comes in is from the activities/people that give to us,  that feed our souls and lift us up (e.g. supportive family and friends, hobbies, joyful events etc.).  The water that goes out is to the activities/people that we give to (e.g. our job, our kids, our responsibilities etc.).  So if we have a good balance between the things that give to us (water in) and the things we give to (water out) our water bucket stays about the same level.

The key is paying attention to our bucket and noticing when it is getting too low.  When it is too low that means we either need to find a way to add water or we need to cut back on the water that is going out. As with everything the key is awareness.  With women in particular, this exercise is a challenge.  As I have said before, many of my female clients walk around with a very low amount of water in their bucket.  One of my client stated she always just had the belief that her bucket was smaller so she didn't need as much water as everyone else--a common belief but not true.  We all have the same size buckets and we all need to be paying attention to how full it is.  Water in water out--energy in energy out.

 A few years ago I had a very full social life--I had dinner plans every night and was always 'out' doing something.  I was single at the time and had the belief that I couldn't just sit at home (even though I secretly longed for it) I had to get out there and be social.  Then one day I realized--I am not really enjoying these dinners--overall they were just a water drain.  Most of the time the dinner was just a chance for the person to get free counseling.  So I was spending all day working and draining my water and then my during evenings having more water drained. My bucket was empty.  As with most people once I had the awareness I decided to make some changes and cut out all the plans with people that weren't adding to my water bucket and began engaging in activities and with people that added to my bucket.  What a difference!!  Talk about living happier!!

My challenge to you--how full is your bucket?  Are there activities that you engage in that drain too much of your water?  What are the activities/people that could add more water to your bucket? What changes do you need to make to maintain your bucket's water level?

Are Women Less Happy?

Because my primary focus as a counselor is on happiness and women I have been intrigued by a recent study that was published earlier this year about those 2 topics. According to research done by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers--women's happiness has decreased.  Since 1972, each year, scientists have asked men and women to rank their happiness on a scale from 1 to 3 (3 being happiest).  This research shows that over the past 37 years women have decreased in happiness while men have increased.  Needless to say this has sparked a fire storm of debate.  At the Huffington Post there has been two recent articles on the subject which I have found particularly interesting one from a male perspective discussing the findings and one from a female perspective countering the findings.   As with any research, there is always room for arguments:  women are more intouch with their feelings therefore they answer more honestly then men, women in the 70s had simpler lives therefore they were happier (before you fire off comments at me--I have taken these arguments from the above mentioned articles)

The interesting thing to me is what all these articles have sparked, what thousands of books have been written about and what I continually discuss in my practice and with my friends is:  What does it mean to be HAPPY?  Is happy something that one we find we never lose?  Is happy something we can rate across the board or does it depend on the day/week/hour?

In my practice I talk about Live Happier--not FINDING your happiness, not BE happy.  I believe living happier is a balance between gratitude for what we have in the present and a purpose/passion for our future.   Living Happier is about striving for that balance on a daily basis. Unfortunately in my experience many of the women I see have lost that balance--they are doing too much for other people and have lost the ability to do for themselves.  I am not saying that wasn't true in the 70s but in my experience with female clients they are doing for others at work AND at home and they have lost sight of their purpose/passion.  They are pulled in a thousand directions and have lost the ability to see themselves and what might on a day to day basis make them happier.

I am not saying women have it harder then men or arguing the validity of this research.  However, what this research and the subsequent debate has made me realize--that as a population of people (men and women) we need to be working together and making living happier a priority so that next year when this survey is complete BOTH men and women are Living Happier.

What do you think?? Are Women Less Happy?

Live Happier Tip: Name Your Values

This weekend a friend of mine and I were watching the movie City Slickers.  In the movie Billy Crystal and his friends have gone on a vacation to a ranch to drive cattle.  While there he meets an old cowboy named Curly (Jack Palance).  My favorite scene in the movie is when Billy and Jack are talking about the meaning of life.  Jack says 'you know what the secret to life is?" and he holds up his finger.  Billy says "your finger" and Jack says "no one thing, once you figure that out nothing else matters (he said it a little more cowboyesque so I edited it)  Billy says "what's the one thing and Jack says "thats what you have to figure out".

I remember seeing that clip in the theater and thinking ONE THING?!?!  That is just too hard to come up with one thing!   It is my belief that we need to figure out what our thing is whether that be one thing or five things.  I do believe we need to put a limit on it at some point just for the sake of focus.  Once we figure out our top five things than we can direct our lives and our life decisions around those five things.

For me the easiest way to do this is to look at our top five values. When we are aware of our values then we have a core place to work from, when we are making life choices.

Here are a few examples:

Let's say you value family and that is in your top 5 values then you will make decisions that allow you to support/spend more time with your family.  If you value social change you will make every day choices that inspire social change, through the clothes you wear the, the websites you go to the products you use etc.  If you value creativity than you probably engage in activities that feed your artistic side whether that be drawing, painting, idea developing or writing.

The glitch comes when we value something but we aren't making choices around it.  For example, you value family but you are working all the time so you miss important family events. Or you value creativity but you never give yourself time to be engage in artistic activities.

I believe--like Curly did in the movie City Slickers--when we come up with our one thing (or 5) it makes it easier to focus on what's important in our lives.   Therefore the small every day choices or the big life decisions become easier because we can always go back to the question what do I value?  When we are living from our values--we are living happier.

For a list of values check out my website, click here.

I will be presenting more on this topic during my Live Happier series this fall. Check out my website for more information.

The Power of Language With Yourself

Words are extremely powerful and not just in how we talk to others. How we talk to ourselves can effect our mood, our goals, and our motivation. A few years ago, I started making small changes in how I used language in my every day life and I was amazed at the difference it made in my thoughts and emotions. Below are just a few examples of changes I have implemented.

But vs And: Over the past few years, I have implemented this change in how I talk and it has made a big difference in how I perceive situations. When we use the term but--we in essence negate everything we said before the but. For example, I really want to workout today BUT I have to get this report done. What that is saying is I don't really want to work out--when you add the but only one of the items can be true. Just notice how it changes when you say I really want to workout today AND I have to get this report done. By adding the and both items are true. When we use the term 'and' you give the possibility for both to happen. Another example: "I think your hair looks great BUT I liked it better short" Which sounds like a veiled insult versus "I think your hair looks great AND I liked it better short". Both are statements are true. Using the AND puts a natural pause in the sentence and allows both statements to have their space.

Yet: This word is one of my favorite additions to my vocabulary. Usually when we are talking about something we haven't done (and want to do) or a goal we want to accomplish we say I can't run 3 miles or I am not a successful attorney or I am not SEO savvy. When we add the term yet to these phrases it gives them hope, it gives them wings. So even if we aren't doing it now, in the future we will accomplish these goals. I can't run 3 miles yet (I will be able to in 6 months) I am not a successful attorney yet (I will be in if I keep working at it) I am not SEO savvy yet (I will be after I do more research).

You make me feel: A friend of mine pointed this one out to me recently when I said it to him 'you make me feel anxious and he looked at me and said I can't MAKE you feel anything. It was an old lesson for me but a good one. When we use the phrase "you make me feel" a certain way--we are taking away our own power, our responsibility, our emotions. We are basically saying we have no control over how we feel and that someone else can manipulate our feelings. In reality, no one can make us feel a certain way--we have control over how we feel and how we react. We can take responsibility for how we feel by saying "I feel sad because I didn't go to the party". Using I statements takes away the blame and puts the responsibility back on us as individuals to understand and care for our emotions.

Do you have any examples of how language use has made a difference in your life?

The Power of Language in Relationship

Over the years I have become more focused on the power of our words. Not only in the words we say but how we say them. Ironic that yesterday's post was about expressing your emotions because yesterday was a day of conflicts. It seemed like every person I talked to yesterday whether they be a friend or a client was struggling with a major conflict in their relationship. The one theme these conflicts seemed to have was not fighting fair. There were many 'below the belt' comments, threats of leaving the relationship, and just general nastiness.

When we are engaged in a conflict with our loved ones--unfortunately many times all decorum goes out the window, the gloves come off and we have a no holds barred fight. Each time we brawl like that, tiny breaks happen in the foundation of the relationship. This is suppose to be the one person in the world I love more than any other, this is suppose to be my 'safe place to fall' (to quote Dr. Phil), this is the person whom I have decided to give my heart to--so why am I talking to them with such venom and hatred?

It is one of life's mysteries that the person we love the most/feel safest with is also the person we can treat the poorest. The most important thing when it comes to relationships and conflict is you need to set some ground rules for fighting fair. No ultimatums, no threats and most importantly no personal attacks. We may be just saying the words in the heat of the moment--but words hurt our partner and our relationship.

Pay attention to how you speak to your partner--not just when you are engaged in a conflict but when ever you are with them. If I was a fly on the wall at your house--would I know from your conversations that this person is one of the most important people in your life? Or do you use passive aggressive digs, sarcasm, threats, ultimatums when talking to your partner? Remember the power of language--and just as positive words can build you up negativity can tear you down.

For more of my tips on Managing Conflict in a Healthy Way--click here to check out the 'free stuff' area of my website.

Live Happier Tip: It's Not Just About Thinking Positive

Today's live happier tip might seem a little counter intuitive. But in my opinion one of the biggest myths is that in order to live happier you have to ALWAYS be positive. Now don't get me wrong I think positive thinking goes a long way in helping us get out of a rut or get through a challenging time. But there is a difference between being positive and running from the negative.

Sometimes life is hard, it is challenging, we have bad days, we hear bad news, we feel sad or angry or like we want to scream at the tops of our lungs with frustration. In order to live happier--we have to FEEL those emotions. Not stuff them down with 'positive thinking' but face them. These emotions can build to the point they become like a giant monster chasing after us. Unfortunately it is a human reaction to keep running--meanwhile the monster gets bigger and bigger and we become more and more frustrated with trying to out run it with our positive thinking. When we stop and turn around and let ourselves face the monster--allowing the grief, anger or sadness to be expressed the monster will shrink before our eyes and we can live happier.

Whether it be a transition from a break-up, the loss of a parent, becoming an empty nester, having our first baby, or losing a job. Life throws us curve balls that are just hard--and it takes more than positive thinking to get through them. First, it takes crying, venting, screaming and a genuine expression of the emotions we are feeling. Then we need to 'pull ourselves up out of bed' or off the couch and start putting the pieces back together --through the support of our friends, family and even a little positive thinking we will get through it. But the beauty is allowing yourself to think positively AND experience the 'negative' emotions as they come up.

So the next time you are frustrated with work or sad about losing a partner or a parent--let it out FEEL that frustration, cry those tears, face the emotional monster and then you will be able to move through the negativity and live happier.

The Question Isn't What's Next--It's How Do I Get There.

The rest of this week I am heading off with my nearest and dearest for a short vacation.  So I have reached back into the archives to share some of my oldies but goodies while I am gone! Enjoy!! This was originally posted in April 2010.

Frequently, I have clients who come to see me in the middle of a life transition. They have a number of decisions to make and don't know how to chose. Recently I had a client, Tess*, who was debating what she wanted to do next in her career. She had gone to college then to law school and had worked her way up in a law firm. She was making good money, working long hours and only somewhat enjoyed job. So she came in to see me wondering what's next.

Most people in transition, especially career transition, want a magical answer to come externally--they want a test or a therapist to tell them what they SHOULD be doing next. Usually this is because they have been so beaten down or discouraged by the decisions they have made so far they don't trust themselves. Ironically, as with Tess, the decisions they have made to this point have been made because of external influences--maybe she took a career test in college or a professor said she would make a great lawyer. The one thing she hadn't done was listen to herself. So in one of our first sessions she came in feeling very anxious and was spinning about what to do next and I just asked her "what do you want to do?" and she just looked at me, her face lit up and said "I want to work with children who have been abused". And I said "Ok, let's work on that" and she looked at me startled.

It is my theory that it isn't that we don' t know what to do next it is that we are scared to say it out loud. In the quiet moments, we can hear our intuitive selves tell us what we want to do but we are scared of admitting it, of failure, of being laughed at, of a million other things. However, we waste A LOT of time spinning on the WHAT rather then facing the fear and moving to the HOW.

So Tess and I began working on the HOW--we started small with just getting her comfortable with the dream--talking about it in session and then talking about it with some safe friends and then slowly exploring how she could accomplish the dream. It was a process, but now Tess is working in a job she loves and is living happier.

We spend a lot of time in the 'what's next' place because it is safe to stay there, it doesn't require anything but a mental debate. I believe we intuitively know what's next we are just scared to face it. We need to slowly start engaging with ourselves, facing the fear (either with friends, family or a therapist) and using baby steps move towards the how.

My question to you: Where in your life do you getting stuck spinning on the "what's next?" rather than slowly facing the fear of "how do I get there?"

*Name and details have been changed to maintain confidentiality

How Living Happier Saves Money

Due to the poor economy (which hopefully is improving soon), there is much talk about saving money. It got me thinking about how living happier can actually help us save money. So here are my top 3 ways living happier can help us save money.

Happiness Come in Simple Things

When we are living happier we tend to notice the simple things and don't have the need to spend a lot of money to entertain ourselves. Happiness comes from an evening on the porch watching our children play, or playing games as a family rather than going to the movies and spending a small fortune. Recently a group of my friends were hanging out and decided to play the old standard game of UNO. It was the most fun I have had in a lot time. Laughing, sharing and best of all cheap!

Don't Need to Fill the Void

When we are living happier we are living from our genuine selves. As issues and conflicts come up we face them head on and deal with them rather than stuff them down with food or alcohol. By learning how to live happier we are less likely to go outside of ourselves and look to outside sources which ultimately harm us to find happiness. When we are living happier we learn all good things come in moderation and lose the need to eat, drink or smoke too much.

Need Less Stuff

Through living happier, we realize happiness doesn't come when we find the perfect big screen or the best car. Happiness comes from within--not from buying more stuff. So when we live happier we are able to decrease our spending on frivolous items. Don't get me wrong--I definitely enjoy my big screen HD TV--but it doesn't complete my life or fill a void. When we look for things outside of ourselves to fill us up--it is like filling a bottomless pit. By living happier we have less of a need to buy stuff for the sake of acquiring more stuff.

There you have it! When we live from a happier places, we naturally are living simpler which means we are spending less money.

Do you have any other ideas--how does Living Happier ultimately save money? Please share.

Live Happier Tip: The Three Reasons Theory

Today I am sharing one of my favorite live happier tips! It doesn't come from any books or professors--it actually comes from my mom. It was a piece of advice that she gave to me when I was in high school that I use frequently with myself and with my clients.

Her wise advice was: when someone does something that hurts your feelings think of 3 reasons why they might be doing that behavior that have nothing to do with you. For example, someone doesn't return your phone call right away--our first response might be they are angry at me, or they don't want to talk to me. But it could be 1. they are really busy 2. they are having a bad day and don't want to talk to anyone 3. they didn't get your message.

The cool thing about this trick is that it immediately takes the focus away from our ego. It is a human tendency to either make everything about us or to sit in judgment of the other person. So by coming up with the 3 reasons we allow our mind to be open to other possibilities for the behavior.

One of my favorite stories that illustrates this point is: A father is on the subway and his children are running around screaming and yelling and he is doing nothing. The man sitting next to the father is really annoyed--how can he just let his kids run around like monkeys? Why isn't he disciplining them? He must be a really bad parent. Finally the father turns to the guy next to him and says "We just left the hospital--their mother just died and I don't think they know how to handle it--I don't know how I am going to handle it" And immediately the guy next to him has compassion. His first response was judgment--it never occurred to him to think of other possible explanations than the fact that the father was just a bad dad.

Try it and see-I guarantee it will change your first response and help you look at things a little differently therefore decreasing hurt feelings and arguments--and who doesn't want to do that?!?!

Behold the Power of Drama

Ah Drama! If I did a poll of 100 people--98% of them would say they strongly dislike drama. So why does it still exist? Why do we get caught up in our friends drama, or even from time to time manufacture our own? You know what I mean, when we start obsessing about an innocent conversation we had with our partner and by the end of the day have turned it into a major issue, or we listen to our friend go on and on about a 'look' their boss gave them and how that look means they are going to get fired!

As much as it is annoying and we claim to hate it drama is so easy to get trapped in. It is like the Hoover vacuum of communication before you know it you are sucked in.

So what is it's appeal, you ask? Drama gives us something exciting to talk about (albeit most of the time it is totally fabricated) and similar to TV or a movie it allows us to disengage from the reality of our lives and focus on the production in our heads.

However we can't stay in this imaginary world--so really all drama does is increase our anxiety about an event that isn't really happening and disengages us from the events in our life that DO need our attention. For example, a client of mine recently realized that rather than deal with her father's recent life altering health diagnosis she was making up drama with her partner. So in essence rather than dealing with her father's health and the anxiety that comes with that in a healthy way (e.g. talking to friends and family, meditation, exercise) she was disengaging and channeling her anxiety into picking fights and making up issues with her partner.

By avoiding drama we can start engaging in the reality of our lives and start facing real issues: dealing with our anxiety, looking at the areas that need our attention, loving our friends and family and being grateful for the fabulous parts of our lives.

So my challenge to you in the next week--just notice when you get stuck in the drama and have some curiosity about why it is appealing to you and what areas of your life might you be trying to avoid?

Good News: Happiness Increases with Age

During one of my many internet searches this week, I stumbled upon this interesting article about happiness: Happiness Keeps Growing.

There were 3 main tidbits that hit me while reading this article.

One: Research shows that older folks are happier because they simple don't put up with as much negative stuff as the rest of us. Whether because of wisdom of age, or lack of time and a focus on priorities--this group of people has learned not to get stuck in the negative. As the writer says this group has gained more 'emotional control' so they limit the stress and negativity in their lives. What a great lesson for any age group!!

Two: The article goes on to state that one of the reasons this group can avoid these stressful situation is because they are "more clear on the intentions of others". Situations don't become negative because they don't take everything personally and get stuck in the criticism.

Three: Social relationships improve mental health! It is important to have strong social relationships and these relationships dramatically decrease stress.

AH! Such nuggets of wisdom there--happiness comes from avoiding negative situations and one of the way to avoid negative situations is to have more understanding about the people in our lives. More understanding that everything isn't about us--that people's intentions aren't always bad--that they might be doing the best they can with what they have.

Wouldn't it be great if we could learn these lessons early in life! We could learn that time is limited, negativity is not helpful, get clear on what our priorities are and have some love and understanding for ourselves and those around us!! It's just that simple-ha!! Ok so I guess maybe we need time to learn all those lessons--but we CAN start implementing them in to our lives one little step at a time.

Live Happier Tip: Be Curious

I love the term curiosity. In fact, in session it sometimes becomes a running joke with the number of times I use the word. But it is a great word--fun and light hearted yet I feel really helps us get to the heart of the matter. By being curious we put a natural pause into the situation. Our first response is not to be curious our first response is usually to judge, be critical or ignore. For example--let's say you woke up this morning feeling crabby. You might say to yourself "great, another crabby day" you might yell at your kids or your partner, you might not even notice you are upset and just go about your day feeling off but not noticing--definitely not living happier. If you add curiosity into your day you wake up feeling crabby-you say 'huh, wonder what's going on, I feel off" and that puts a natural pause into the normal course of events. You might not figure it out right away but by posing the question you throw it out there--it might be as simple as you didn't get enough sleep, or it is cold rainy day, or you picked up your partners bad mood. Or it might be more complex like you realize you need some alone time and you are tired of always having people around so you say to your partner you need to figure out a time when you can be alone. Or you realize you are super stressed about a presentation at work so you might talk to a friend about it.

Having curiosity allows us to get to the heart of what's going on so we can make some changes that allow us to live happier. Curiosity also takes the emotion out of it--it is just a simple question "why am I feeling this way?" "What is going on?" We don't have to answer the question immediately but asking it allows us a. to look at our mood b. to be non-judgmental about it (this is a biggie) and c. to potentially determine a solution.

Curiosity is also fabulous when it comes to relationships. Instead of ASSUMING--someone is out to get you or hurt you we can have some curiosity about why they are acting in a certain way. For example: You wake up and your partner starts yelling at you about feeding the cat--instead of getting defensive and yelling back you might have some curiosity around why they are crabby. Maybe they didn't get enough sleep, maybe they have a big presentation, maybe they need some alone time. Having curiosity deescalates the conflict--instead of firing back in anger you can first have curiosity about what is going on (Most of the time it has NOTHING to do with you) and then give the other person a little room to have their mood. Many of the petty little arguments we have in relationships can be solved with just a little curiosity. Try it--I promise it will help you live happier.

Putting on Your Big Girl Pants

Sometimes in life we find ourselves at a spot where we realize we need to put on our 'big girl pants'--we need to step up, take an action, make a change. I had a client who came into see me because she was at a crossroads in both her relationship and her career. During our sessions, it became apparent that over the past few years she had been floating through life--allowing her partner to take care of her, allowing her job to just exist, she wasn't really actively engaged in her life.

Unfortunately, I frequently find that in my practice--women who have given up on their lives either out of fear, numbness, or have just been beaten down enough that they have lost their energy to engage. Over our sessions she began to get more and more empowered, figuring out what she needed/desired, what direction she wanted her life to take. Finally it became obvious that she need to make some changes in her life--needed to start implementing her desires and needs. After much discussion about what she wanted to do and how to do it she turned to me and said "You know what I just need to put on my big girl pants and get out there". I loved that expression! She was right--we used that analogy a lot in her sessions and I continue to use it with my clients. I absolutely love the power of analogy. Frequently in my sessions, I will use a symbol or a story to help illustrate a challenging topic and this was the perfect analogy!

At first her big girl pants were uncomfortable and didn't fit right and then eventually she got use to them. She got use to asking for what we need, living her life intentionally based on her own expectations not someone else's. So over the next few weeks she kept trying on her big girl pants and you could see the energy in her change. Each week she would come into my office and would share a story of when she had her big girl pants on and what she had done. And we would talk about the difference between the times she was wearing her big girl pants and the times she wasn't. Eventually she began to feel that difference of when she was acting from her big girl place and when she was acting from her little girl place She could tell the insecure, scared part of her--her little girl-- "you know what I got this--I can take care of you, I can speak my needs and be a grown up."

Finally at one of our last sessions she said to me "you know I came in wearing my little girl dress and now I am wearing big girl pants". So true! She made some major life changes during out time together and came out living a life that she wanted and that fed her soul. She was totally living happier!!!

Even in myself I notice when I start acting anxious, insecure, doubtful, scared that I have put on my little girl dress and I remind myself I am a big girl. I give my little girl (my insecurities and doubts) and quick hug, put on my big girl pants and say "I got this".

Where in your life are you still wearing your little girl clothes?

Live Happier Tip: Get out of your comfort zone

Lately I have been trying to market my practice more both on-line (by writing more blog posts) and within the community. In keeping with this effort, last night I went to my first networking event. For the record I am not a big fan of networking--I am a bit of an introvert (but admit I fake extrovert well) so I find these events doubly exhausting one because I am talking to a group of strangers and two because I am selling myself and my services. Before the event I thought of every reason possible why I didn't have to go, I was tired, it was a long day, I wouldn't REALLY make any connections etc. But I had committed to myself and to my fabulous marketing coach, Michelle Barry Franco, that I would attend this networking event. So I did--and it was hard and stressful and I had a lot of insecurities and self doubt creep up. AND I met some really great women and made some helpful connections. As I was driving home, I felt a feeling of giddiness and I realized that I what I most enjoyed about the evening was getting out of my comfort zone!! It was a bit exhilarating to try something different and challenging and stretch myself. From time to time I can get stuck in a rut--stuck in my safe place. Last night reminded me of the freedom that comes from challenging myself to try new things.

It doesn't have to be facing a major fear it just has to be stretching your comfort zone. Maybe turning off the TV (if you watch it every night), going for a run or a walk, saying hi to a new co-worker, trying a different way to work, or joining a new organization. There are a million ways to get out of our comfort zones--get out of our ruts. It is helpful to branch out, you will be amazed how trying one new thing can open you up to new possibilities and help you live happier. What are some ideas you have for stretching your comfort zone? Please Share!

Swimming Pace and Happiness

I am learning how to swim. Even though I grew up with a pool, I never really learned how to swim using the correct strokes. So I thought I would get off the treadmill and get in the pool! I have taken about 6 lessons and probably swim once a week. Currently. I am trying to perfect my freestyle stroke. My instructor has been working with me on increasing my endurance and being able to swim longer. Last week he had me swim 75 meters--without stopping. So the length of the pool 3 times! Me being me I swam as fast as I could for the 3 laps because I was so afraid I wasn't going to be able to do it. By the time I got to the edge I was exhausted. When I reached the edge he said "did you enjoy that?" And I said NO--that was awful--and he said of course because you were just trying to finish it you weren't enjoying the challenge. Then he explained to me his philosophy about swimming "it isn't about the destination or getting it done it is about enjoying the strokes and just having fun with it". "If you slow down your pace you can go further and might actually enjoy it!!"

Wow--who would have thought swimming could be such a great analogy for life--and happiness! Frequently we go at break neck pace trying to get somewhere or figure something out and then we finish the day, week, month totally exhausted. Rather than just enjoy the pace.

For the rest of my practice time I tried to slow my pace--I admit it was new, it was frustrating, it was a challenge. But it was also more fun--I wasn't dying at the end of each lap, I was able to swim continuously, and I was aware of my strokes. I finally began to see swimming not as this awful sport that hurts my lungs but as a sport that when done correctly uses my whole body and allows me to glide through the water. Since I wasn't so focused on being exhausted I could enjoy myself. This is true with life--when we slow our pace we can focus on the things that really matter and maybe even glide for awhile. Try it--slow your pace and see what happens.

New Research: Optimists Live Longer

Here is an interesting article: Do Optimists Live Longer

There has been a lot of research done in the past few years stating that optimistic people live longer, are happier and generally have better lives. These studies increasingly show the power of the mind, body, spirit connection. It is becoming harder to deny that those three areas are linked.

However, I admit, I struggle with this research--not because I don't believe it or because I think it is wrong but because being optimistic for some people can challenging. When I read this article my first inclination is just to decide ok today I am going to be happy for the sake of my health I am going to switch my mindset and be happy. Ah if only it were that easy.

I am an optimistic person most of the time (Ok probably more like a cheery Eeyore as my friends call me--an upbeat realist)--but there are days when I admit this stuff is hard. Where does optimism come from? Is it something you are born with? Is it something you can learn? As with everything it is a combination of both--I have watched my father the worlds biggest pessimist become more of an optimist as he enters his 70s. So it is possible to change. However, that change comes over time--and not just by saying OK today I am going to be an optimist.

That change comes in little every day decisions. Changing our perspectives, reframing our stories. Great example. This morning I was walking my dog--it is hot and humid here in Ohio. For those of you not familiar with midwestern humidity it is like walking into a steam room the minute you walk outside. As I was walking my dog I noticed my self talk "ugh-I am tired, it is hot, I am sweating, I need my coffee, I want to get home" and then I thought--wait a minute let's reframe. Instead of looking at all the negatives around walking the dog let me try to find all the positives and then I thought to myself "wow I get to walk my dog, I get to see the joy on her face as she trots along, I get to move my body and see the changes in my neighborhood, I get to greet people and say Hi, I get to be outside (even if it is REALLY HUMID" And I noticed my posture was better, there was a spring in my step--I just felt better. That, my friend, is how you slowly become an optimist. It is changing your perspective from I HAVE TO to I GET TO.

Pay attention to those negative thoughts and start reframing them to positive ones. No, it isn't as easy as bam I want to become an optimist. But research shows that the work of switching our thoughts not only will help us live longer--but will help us enjoy the years we are living!

It is true: Assume makes an ass of u and me

As a child one of my dad's favorite sayings was 'assume makes an ass of you and me'. Perhaps that is why I am such a clarifier as adult.

Last week I was working with a client who suffers from anxiety. One of her biggest complaints is that her anxiety increases and she gets her feelings hurt when she has an expectation for someone and they don't follow through/meet her expectation. During the session she stated that she rarely is honest with people about what she needs. Frequently she wants to be seen as the 'laid back' chill person when really she is someone who has pretty precise expectations when it comes to time and deadlines. The problem comes when she doesn't state these expectations to her friends/co-workers and they, ASSUMING that she is laid back and chill don't hit her expectations and then she becomes hurt and lashes out and they are confused.

I have noticed this in my own life--where I wanted to be perceived one way and tried to change myself to fit that image. So I didn't share my needs with significant people and ASSUMED they would mind read what I wanted/needed. And unfortunately that doesn't happen (oh wouldn't it be wonderful if it did).

So basically there are 2 problems here which I think create increased anxiety. One: We need to be accepting of ourselves. We can't all be super laid back. There are people in the world who like to hit deadlines, who need to be timely. These are valuable, necessary talents. When we accept ourselves for who we are and stop pretending anxiety naturally decreases because we are living genuinely.

Two: We need to be honest with ourselves and other people about what we need. We can't ASSUME or expect them to become mind readers. We need to tell them what we need, what our deadlines are etc. Yes, initially this might increase anxiety because it is a new muscle we are stretching. But I promise if you put away the crystal ball and start to eliminate the desire to ASSUME your life will become much happier!!

The power of breathing

One thing I always encourage my clients to do is breathe. Yes--I know it is something we do naturally. But how often do you really pay attention to your breath? Really take a big belly breath where you fill your lungs to full capacity?!?! I am constantly amazed that the practice of pausing and taking 3 deep belly breaths can dramatically change my demeanor--It can take me from a level 10 stress down to a level 3--it can help me feel more centered and aware.

Frequently the idea to take 3 deep breaths is completely foreign to us. One of the best ways I have found to increase awareness around my breath is to add a breathing ritual into my day. Rituals help me become more aware of when I need to breathe. I encourage my clients to take 3 deep breaths whenever they are at a stop sign, or whenever they sit down at their desk, or before they walk in the door to their house. By having specific times of the day when you take 3 deep breaths who become more aware of how your body is feeling--then you will notice more readily when you need to take deep breaths throughout the day. Try it--I promise it will make a difference in decreasing your anxiety and helping you live happier.

This stuff is HARD

Lately I have been struggling with the self help industry--the number of books and blogs and e-books that are out there to help us figure out how to feel better about ourselves/our lives/our relationships/our careers. It is incredible to me the sheer number of 'stuff' that is out there. I use to be a self help fanatic--thinking maybe if I bought THIS book or downloaded THIS pamphlet I would finally get control of my life and feel better. Finally I realized the books weren't going to help--yes they have good techniques and insights, but the bottom line is--this stuff is hard. Learning, growing, changing. trying to be a better person--all very hard!! It is hard to live in the present, be aware of your negative thoughts, engage in deep breathing, communicate your needs and push through your fear--all while eating healthy, doing some type of work out and just plan living your life!!! But I know when I try when I get up each morning and just TRY to implement one or two things I feel better--I am happier when I am intentional about my life--when I catch myself 'what ifing' or when I notice the beat down I am giving myself because I haven't accomplished what I thought I would. Do I do this every minute of every day? No way--do I do it most days, yes.

I guess I just needed to admit as someone who works in the 'self help' arena--there is no magic way to find happiness no magic 10 steps or magic book or magic pill for that matter. There is just honest to goodness struggle--being honest with ourselves and our significant others. Being aware of ourselves as we move through life and having genuine non-judgmental curiosity about ourselves and our friends/partners. There will be days when we hit the mark when we are present and centered and living all the self help principles. There will be days when we miss the mark completely--when we question if we have learned anything in this process. It is those days when we have learned the same life lesson for the 5th time and we wonder if we are really making any progress at all that we need to put away the baseball bat that we use to beat ourselves with and recognize this stuff is HARD and tomorrow is another day.

When life gets tough and you fall into bed exhausted give yourself a break and remember: Life is a process and we are all doing the best we can with what we know right now.

What If I am wrong?

I have noticed the theme lately in my clients that they are paralyzed by self doubt and fears. The questions they ask are different--is this the right job for me? --should I stay in this relationship? ---should I take the job out of state? Basically all their questions come down to the fear of what if I am wrong? What if I make the wrong choice and I look like an idiot or what if I end up in pain because I made the wrong choice?

Anytime we are asking 'what if' we tend to get into trouble because the source of what if is the longing for control. Unfortunately there is no such thing as control in this world. We are at the whim of our decisions or the whim of the gods--whatever you believe. But regardless we have no control. How frustrating is that?!?! No control?!! Unfortunately, there is no way to look into the future and have a guarantee that our decision is a good one and that we won't be wrong. We can ask ourselves 'what if' until the end of time and we still won't know. We simply have to use all our best resources, get all the facts, follow our guts and make the leap.

Some of the best decisions I have made have been perceived as 'wrong'. Because they didn't work out the way I thought they would or because I did end up experiencing heart ache. However, they were good decisions because they have allowed me to learn more about myself--see the world in a new way and get to the juicy marrow of the life. So my argument to what if I am wrong? is so what? If you aren't making decisions you aren't living your life--you are paralyzed by indecision--paralyzed by fear--sometimes you just have to make the leap.

Do you have something you are debating in your life? Something you really want to do but are afraid to make a commitment? Make the leap and recognize there is no wrong--there is just life.

Change: the one constant in our lives

I am big believer that we need to repeat lessons in life.  Change is one I continually struggle with in my own life and I figured other people do too.  

Recently I moved my office--which is a good thing.  I am closer to my home, it has more space and my own waiting room.  All and all a good change.  It is something I have wanted to do for awhile now and am very excited that it has finally happen.  However as I moved my furniture in and busied myself with decorating and arranging I couldn't help but notice my anxiety level was increasing. On moving day I turned to a friend of mine who helped me move and just said 'ok I am going to cry for no reason now' and he looked at me and said 'go ahead, change is hard and this is a big change'.  First I thought 'thank God for such supportive friends' and then I thought 'change is hard yet it is the one thing that is consistent in our lives''.

As humans we resist change--yes there are those who live on the edge and love mixing things up--but for the majority of us change is hard.  Moving, having kids, starting a relationship or a job, ending a relationship or job, getting a dog (something else I recently did) all add change to our lives.  And with that change comes resistance and stress.  

Even the good changes cause us to have an increase in anxiety.  But as I stood on my back porch crying I thought--is it really the change and 'the stress' that comes with a new office or is it my resistance to the change and the resulting stress that is the problem.  Maybe if I embraced the change--admitted that change is hard--and moved forward with it I wouldn't get to the point where I needed the tears.  I would just give myself permission to feel the stress of the change as I went along instead of constantly telling myself 'this is a good thing, you SHOULD be HAPPY', 'stop stressing you are being silly'.  Instead I would have some intentionality around what I tell myself I would say 'change is hard, you want to move and moving is good AND moving is hard', 'you like your routine and you are establishing a new one--good for you!!'

As with many lessons it comes down to self talk--the messages I send myself have become more loving as I make this transition--and because of that the transition has become much more enjoyable!!

Here's to change--the one constant in our lives!!!