A Work in Progress

A friend of mine is a voracious reader of self-help books.  She is constantly reading and sharing a new insight she has received from one book or another.  Recently she had the realization that she was obsessed with self-help books in the quest to fill up the hole she felt inside that 'she wasn't enough'.  If ONLY she could become as enlightened or as grounded THEN she would be happy.  For many of us who are on the quest to be happier (in work and life) we can get stuck on this treadmill of trying to 'get fixed' so we can be enough and then be happy.

I have a love/hate relationship with self-help books.  Heck, you might even argue that this is a self-help blog.  The danger of looking for help outside of ourselves in a book or blog is that somewhere the belief comes in that we aren't enough---we need to be fixed.  We lose the important fact that the answers are within.

It isn't about arriving or becoming it is about BEING. Being present to your anxiety, perfectionism, laziness, greed, desire, fear and gluttony. Being present to your joy, laughter, happiness, excitement, and energy. Being present, to all of the pain, the muck, the joy, the fear, the anxiety, and the roller coaster of it all. You don't need to be fixed, you just need to be still, present, quiet, and true to your own voice.

I believe life is a journey.  There is no end, there is no RIGHT answer.  We just keep spiraling up, getting better and better at being our unique wonderful selves. In my opinion,the point of living happier is being the best YOU possible.  When we can accept ourselves as is with all of our failings and gifts, all of our blessings and challenges, then we are on the road to enlightenment.  The disappointing news is there isn't one answer, there isn't an IF ONLY I figure (fill-in-the-blank) I will be content.  This journey is a hard one.  But give yourself a break because as long as you wake up each morning with the desire to be the best you possible, you are on the path.

So often we think we need to be fixed.  If only we acted our higher self all the time, if only we were perfect, if only we didn't over indulge, if only, if only, if only...  So today pay attention to how many times you berate yourself by throwing a SHOULD or an IF ONLY on yourself, and then have a little compassion.  Remind yourself you don't need to be fixed, you are fine as is.  You are a wonderful work in progress, right where you need to be.  You are enough.

Here's to the quest of balancing the challenge of living and working happier with the love and compassion for where you are in the process. To being a wonderfully unique, work in progress!!!

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Just in time for the holidays-Do you know someone who is struggling to work happier and find a career that makes their heart sing?  Gift certificates are a great way to give that special someone the gift of living and working happier.  Check out the shop on my website for more information!!

Enjoy the Pause.

Tomorrow we officially kick off the Holiday season with Thanksgiving.  I do love this holiday.  I love the idea of having a day of thanks, being grateful and gathering with friends and family to eat a big yummy meal!!   This holiday was founded on the idea of taking time out, taking a pause from the rush of life to reflect and be thankful.

However, as I write, I am struck that for some people, my clients, my friends even myself from time to time, gratitude can be a challenge.  Sometimes we really have to dig deep to find the gratitude in our lives.  Perhaps in the past year, you have lost a loved one, a job, or maybe you are going through a divorce.  Maybe the economy has put a crimp in your style and you are frustrated.  Sometimes life deals us a bad hand, sometimes we are frustrated, discouraged and just down right exhausted.  When we are feeling lost and frustrated the simple reminder of "be grateful" and "count your blessings" can get old.  No matter how much we KNOW we should count our blessings, sometimes it is just hard.

So if you or someone you know has come to this Thanksgiving Holiday not feeling quite as thankful as last year, that's ok.  Maybe all you can muster for your gratitude this year is that you are alive or that you have a place to gather for the holiday.  That's ok.  In my opinion, the point of this holiday isn't to make us feel bad because we don't feel as jolly as we SHOULD, it is to remind us to take a pause in our lives.  Thanksgiving reminds us to take stock of all the little things that make up our lives, the small every day blessings including:  a warm bed, the smell of coffee in the morning, listening to your favorite song, wearing your most comfy sweater and gathering with friends and family.  Sometimes we do have to dig deep to recognize the blessings amongst  the pain.

This Thanksgiving take chance to breathe in the natural pause. The time to gather with friends and family and to reflect on what the past year has brought both the joys and the sorrows.  Give yourself a break--literally!!   Be thankful for all the little blessings you have, mourn the losses that have occurred and embrace the complexities of doing both.  By taking the time to celebrate our blessings and honor our losses we will continue to live happier lives.

A brief shout out to the small joys in my life that I am so thankful for:  A career that makes my heart sing, my nearest and dearest who supports and loves me with all my imperfections, my family who remains a warm soft blanket even as time forces us to shift and change, my friends who continually challenge support and love me through it all and my pets who make me laugh and feel unconditionally loved on a daily basis!!  I am truly blessed and will happily enjoy the pause of this Thanksgiving.

Enjoy the Pause, Happy Thanksgiving!!

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Just in time for the holidays-Do you know someone who is struggling to work happier and find a career that makes their heart sing?  Gift certificates are a great way to give that special someone the gift of living and working happier.  Check out the shop on my website for more information!!

Blow it all up.

Fear.  It is a common theme when it comes to any type of change.  Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of just making a fool of yourself.  Regardless of what the fear is--if we are contemplating a change it is usually there.  There is only one way to fight the fear (or as I like to call it the Fear Monger) and that is by going through it.  Unfortunately, going through the fear is hard!!!  Fighting the fear,  involves intentionality, awareness, perseverance and moving pebbles, as well as mountains.  

Occasionally, I will have clients who decide to bypass the Fear Monger and just blow it all up. They decide to just 'blow up' the parts of their lives that aren't working.   Quit their job without having a plan B, leave their spouse without any explanation, or move to Denver with no notice.  

From time to time and for some people this works.  I know I have been known to quit a job with a very loose back up plan in place.  But I also didn't have a family to support and knew exactly how long the money in my savings would last me.  So although the decision appeared irrational I had a plan, a loose one, but it was a plan.   

I am talking about the people who have no plan, who have no inkling of a plan B, no regard for their values or priorities, for the family or the loved ones they are hurting by their actions.  It is my theory that when you get the urge to just blow it up without measuring the consequences or the pain--it is because fear is in the way.

Yesterday, I talked about a client who was afraid of 'selling out'.  She had a lot of fear around leaving her job. Security was very important to her as was supporting her family. However, frequently she would talk about just walking in and giving her 2 weeks notice and going back to school.  I admit when she talked about doing this her face would light up and she would get very excited---usually a sign to me that someone is on the right track.  She was on the right track--she was just trying to take the long road around the fear monger rather then go through the doubts, insecurities and fears that were in her face.  This long road could involve, debt, not being able to afford her child's college education, keeping her husband from pursuing his dreams, and taking time away from her children as she went back to school.  Now none of those things are life threatening but they were very much against her values of financial security (e.g. no debt)  and family (e.g. her husbands dreams, spending time with her children).  So when she started talking about blowing it all up--I started getting curious about her fears.  Turns out the Fear Monger was running rampant in her brain,  she was full of self doubt, insecurity and anxiety about going back to school.  

The kicker is that even if she blows everything up and takes the long road around the fear monger and just quits her job, heads back to school she STILL has to eventually face the fears.  She HAS to go through the Fear Monger eventually.  She has to deal with herself, face her doubts and fears about trying something new, going back to school and risking her family's security. Because although her job is making her unhappy, it is herself her self doubt and negative self talk that is keeping her in that place.  She has to learn how to deal with herself and make change within herself, facing the fear one step at a time.  

Her fear isn't going anywhere, it will just be temporarily covered by the carnage of the "blow it all up" bomb.  Basically she will have to face all these doubts after causing her family thousands of dollars of debt and loss of valuable time both things she highly values OR she can face her fears one step at a time as she plans the best way to move forward.  It isn't that quitting her job and going back to school is a bad idea.  The point is there are 2 ways to go about her plan. 1. blow it all up and deal with the pain and consequences later  2. make a plan for quitting her job and going back to school that fits with her values, priorities and obligations 

I know when my clients get the temptation to blow it all up with no regard for the consequences it means 2 things.  One they are on the right path and two we are in the midst of their Fear Monger.  Change is not easy and if there is one thing that gets the Fear Monger active it is when we are thinking about making a change. When we take one step at a time, face our doubts and fears, keep in mind our values and priorities and make a plan towards achieving what makes our heart sing, we can work happier and live happier. 

When have you been tempted to blow it all up with no regards for the consequences?  

Selling Out.

For some reason, the question of "Am I selling out ?" has been a regular theme in my office these days.  There is always the line between dreaming big and handeling our day to day responsibilities.  Many of my clients have families, medical bills, student loans or aging parents which keep them from being able to quit their job and take off after their dream.  It is my belief while it would be fantastic to be able to drop everything and single mindedly pursue working happier we need to also balance the other priorities and values in our lives.

I had a client who came to me because she didn't enjoy her job--it was ok but not perfectly fitted for her.  Basically she was bored and uninspired.  However, it did bring home a decent paycheck, allowed her some flexibility and enabled her to provide for her family and have time to spend with them when needed.  When she came into my office one of the first things we did was look at her values.  She was married and had 3 children one of whom was getting ready to head off to college.  Not surprisingly family, financial security, and personal development were in her top three values.  She had a lot of anxiety and fear around leaving her job and losing the security.  From the very first session we talked about how the beauty of her situation was that she had time to figure out what to do next.  We could face her fears in baby steps. Because she wan't miserable or at risk of losing her job she could take the next 3-5 years to establish and plan her next steps. We figured out that she might want to go back to school for a different degree and we started laying out an easy practical way to explore schools/financial aid and began formulating a 10 year plan.  However, each time she entered my office she was borderline panicked about figuring it out, making the right choice and not 'selling out.'  Somewhere along the line she convinced herself that if she didn't make the choice 'right now' she would be selling out.  She kept saying "I don't want to sell out but I want to provide for my kids and have time with my family".

The point of this entire--figure out what makes your heart sing, do what you love, work happier lifestyle is simply to live happier.  For some, that means working a job that is 'good enough' while you search for another more meaningful job at some point in the future.  For others, it means quitting your job with nothing and then figuring it out.  There is no selling out unless you are choosing to stay stuck, to not explore, question or have curiosity.  My definition of selling out is when we give up on ourselves and our dreams.  Selling out is saying "all I deserve is good enough", or convincing yourself good enough is ok forever.

Life is full of choices and limitations but that doesn't mean we need to give up on our dreams.  It also doesn't mean that we need to be accomplishing all of our dreams right now.  In my opinion, the point of living happier is to be the best you possible--if that means working a 'so-so' job because you need the health benefits while you figure out what's next rock on. If that means you take a part time retail job while you pursue a different degree--go for it!

Just because you have different priorities and values in your life doesn't mean you are selling out. Selling out is letting those priorities become long term distractions/excuses and road blocks.  Working Happier is recognizing what our priorities are and then figuring out how to work with them in building a life that makes us happier.

What do you think? What is your definition of selling out?  How do you know when you are selling out?

It's NOT About the Economy.

If one more person tells me "I can't look for a new job, the economy sucks".  I might just scream.  Yes, the economy is bad, the stock market is volatile,  people have lost their retirement funds and unemployment is high.  I agree if you have a job be thankful.  If you are unhappy in your job--start looking.  Yes, I said, 'start looking' meaning explore, get curious, check out what is out there and what you might enjoy doing.   I am not saying go into your boss and quit tomorrow because you read this blog.  I am saying stop using the economy as an excuse to not explore what else is out there that might make your heart sing.

The 'economy sucks' excuse keeps us safe and secure and risk free. It keeps food on the table and a shelter over our head (all needed and necessary items).   It also keeps us stuck in a job we dislike and too afraid to look into what else is out there.  It costs us nothing to explore what jobs are open on monster.com, what classes are available at the local college, what we value, what we are good at, or what we have always wanted to do.  There are 1,000s of ways to explore what makes our heart sing that cost next to nothing and don't require quitting our current job. We can have curiosity around ourselves, the resources that are available and how we can take advantage of both for free!!   So it isn't about the economy.

You know what it IS about?  Your fear.  It is that little tiny voice in the back of your head saying, you can't be wrong AGAIN, you can't do THAT,  what would mom think,  you are too stupid, lazy, or unqualified and on and on and on.  The reason we don't explore what is out there is because that voice gets louder and louder and louder and makes us more and more uncomfortable until we just stay put, stay  trapped, stay in the so/so.  It is this fear monger, that constantly plays the message of 'you can't ______' over and over.  It is so good we frequently can't even identify it.  It is the fear monger that has come up with the wonderful excuse of the economy.  Fortunately these days we can convince ourselves it is the economy--a convenient excuse.  

I know first hand the struggle clients are having in finding jobs because of the economy.  I watch my clients who are unemployed on a daily basis struggling with resumes, networking and cover letters. I also watch them have curiosity about themselves, and have the courage to face their fears.  They stare down the fear monger that has taken residence in their head and put one step in front of the other.  Looking for a job that will put food on the table while working towards the end goal of the career that allows them to work happier.

The first step in defeating the fear monger is recognizing its existence.  I guarantee you if you are saying to yourself "I can't look for a new job the economy sucks" and aren't taking any steps to make a change--you are in the presence of the fear monger.  So today let's change the message: Stop blaming the economy and start facing your fear monger.

Today pay attention to your fear monger----what excuse is it giving you to not take small/no cost steps towards working happier?

Wear Sunscreen

This weekend I was exploring my nearest and dearest's Itunes collection and stumbled upon this lovely blast from the past.  It is a song from the 90s by Baz Luhrman, an Australian Film Director.  The words were written by Mary Schmich a columnist for the Chicago Tribune, as the commencement speech she would give if she were ever asked to give one.

Regardless--I love this song and find the words very inspiring.  It gives me goose bumps every time I listen to it (and I have listened to it frequently this week).  So please allow me a mindless diversion as we head into the weekend.  Enjoy!!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,

sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind,

you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself

and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked,

you are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,

don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,

the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,

if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,

the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22

what they wanted to do with their lives,

some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,

Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,

Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary

What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either

Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,

or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own

Dance,
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past

and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,

the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,

you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young

prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,

Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia,

dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off,

painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

There is No Wrong Way

One of the most common things I hear in my office is "My next step in my career has to be RIGHT, I have made too many wrong moves up to this point".

I always cringe when I hear this statement.  One because it puts A LOT of pressure on the next step (which usually results in a bit of paralysis).  Two it discounts everything the client has done in the past that got them where they are today.

Our past makes up who we are today.  All the memories, actions, decisions, regrets, thoughts, ideas, training, degrees and jobs combine to make us complete full human beings.  We get so caught up in doing it 'right' making the 'right move' we forget that  life is a process and so is our career.  There are thousands of reasons we make the choices we do:

Maybe you chose your major in college because your dad thought it would be sensible.
Maybe you took your first job just because it paid well, or it was the first company that offered you a job.  Maybe you fell into your current job and now 10+ years later you realize you don't really like it.
Maybe you thought with all your heart you wanted to be a teacher and now you realize that teaching isn't what you thought it would be.

We all make choices, some are made for us, some are logical, some make sense at the time and some are random and emotional.  The key is to look at each and every one and ask yourself why those decisions made sense at the time and what you have learned from living them.

Maybe sensible to your dad is boring to you and now you know the difference.
Maybe being paid well isn't as freeing as you thought it would be and now you want to do a job you love.
Maybe in 10+ years you didn't move up as much as you thought you would.
Maybe you can find something that allows you to teach just not in the school system.

When a client utters this sentence I encourage them to litany all the 'bad' decisions they have made and explain A. why they are bad decisions and B. where they would be or who they would be if they hadn't made them.  Inevitably they realize usually through a bit of laughter, that there decisions although might appear 'bad' now, made sense for who they were at the time.  Most importantly they realize how much they have grown and learned from the decisions of their past.

Our path maybe messy, winding, backwards and full of detours but every decision, memory, feeling and doubt, we experienced makes us who we are today.  Those experiences make us the rich, vibrant human beings we are supposed to be.  When we 'get it wrong' that really just means we tried something new--we took a risk.  Isn't that what life is about--taking risks?  They key is to learn from our past experiences (the mistakes and the victories) so that the risks become more and more measured, and calculated.  

How do you spend your 86,400?

Today I want you to ask yourself some pretty basic questions:  How do you spend your time?  Do you like what you are doing?  Do you like with whom you are doing it?

I have found some of the most basic questions are often the most life changing.  So many people in this world are walking around miserable, feeling lost and out of control.  Whether stuck in a miserable job, a dead-end relationship or a hanging with friends they really don't like.  Yes there are always thing we HAVE to do, but in reality when we ask ourselves do we HAVE to do this the list is pretty short.  We have to make enough money to cover our expenses, we have to take care of our car (if we want to drive anywhere) we have to take care of our bodies (if we want to keep moving) and we have to pay taxes. (I am sure there are others--but those are the basics)  In reality, how you spend your time is largely up to you.

Frequently when I ask clients those 3 questions they stare at me blankly, as if to say, of course I hate my job but I enjoy my time elsewhere.  Inevitably when they come back either the next session or 2-3 sessions later, they admit they really don't like how they spend their time and they really had never seriously thought about it.    There is a great story about Time:

Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400.  It carries no balance from day to day. Every evening it wipes clean whatever part of the amount you failed to use during the day. 

What would you do? 

Draw out every cent, of course!

Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME.Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. 

It carries over no balance. 
It allows no overdraft. 
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. 

If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.  There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". 

You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

The point is we all have choices, we all have control over how we spend our time and with whom we spend it.  One of the easiest and best ways to both work and live happier--is to pay attention to how much you enjoy your time?  How much of your 86,400 seconds do you spend wishing away, counting down or just, totally miserable?  What do you want to add to your life to make it more rich, vibrant, life affirming? Or in practical terms, what do you want to add to your life that will make you a little happier?

Do you want to find a new job, explore a new hobby, take a hike on Saturday afternoon rather then camping in front of the TV,  go out with your friends more frequently, try a new restaurant, or make a different recipe?  We need to take stock of how we are spending out time, with whom we are spending it and what changes if any we need to make.

Time is valuable, the point of life is to engage in it passionately.  To spend our 86,400 seconds in a career that makes our heart sing, relationships that support and up lift us and activities that engage our soul!

What activities do you engage in that'waste' your 86,400 seconds?
What activities do you engage in that feed your soul?
How can you add more of question 2 to your life?

My First Video Blog (aka Vlog): A Few Thoughts on Fear

Today I am SO excited to present my first video blog.  I have been wanting to do this for MONTHS and have been too afraid to attempt it.  Therefore I decided to do a little sharing on fear.  Hope you enjoy!

The Power in What We Cannot Measure

Recently I was watching a talk given by Peter Sellars, an American Theater Director.  He was talking about the importance of financing the arts.   I love it when things completely unrelated to my field jump out and inspire me!

 "Does your grandmother love you?  You can't measure that. And it's all the things that cannot be measured that are the most important things in your life"--Peter Sellars

I have been thinking about that quote a lot recently. In our quest to be live happier, reach goals, be inspired, and strive for perfection we look for ways to measure our success.  Whether it be the number of years married, a nice car, big house or the grades our children receive, we all have standards of measurement that we keep tally of in our head.  Maybe we share these measurements with other people, maybe we don't.  Regardless we are all walking around seeing if we 'stack up' to the standards we have set in our heads.

At the end of our lives, will those standards or measurements, matter?  Will it matter how much money we made, how many degrees we have, how many houses we own or miles we can run?  No, what matters is: do our children respect us, did we love deeply, were we leaving people happier after they interacted with us?

Goals are a wonderful tool.  As you know I am a big believer that having goals helps us live happier.  We all need something we are working towards.  And logically the only way to know if we accomplished a goal is if we can measure it.  Yes, having goals and accomplishing them are keys to happiness.  AND we also need to remember life is a balance.

So from time to time we need to regroup, refocus and make sure we aren't losing sight of the things in our life that we can't measure--the love we receive from our friends/family, the joy we get from watching our children play, the thrill of having a day  to sleep in, the sadness that comes from losing a pet.  It is in these little every day, unmeasurable items that we find happiness, joy, purpose and meaning.

The key is recognizing that from time to time we need to step off the treadmill of life, stop asking ourselves if we have accomplished enough and embrace the immeasurable bounty we have in our lives.

What are some of the immeasurable blessings you have in your life?