So What Do You Do??

Photo Credit: mamakimberly

For as long as I have had my private practice, I have struggled with answering the 'what do you do?' question.  Last week I attended a training by Tara Gentile--in it she posed a different version of the question (that I liked better). It was:  how do you make your clients financially, emotionally, creatively, relationally or intellectually richer? Today's blog post is devoted to answering that question.

Bottom line:  It's not just about Career Change Counseling.  I believe I make people's lives richer by helping them notice what the energy drains are in their lives, build stronger more connected relationships and live a life that is intentional and grounded in values and beliefs. From this place they can find a career the love and more importantly a life they love.

• I help clients look at their lives as a whole and from that global perspective determine what they want to change, add or discard from their lives.  
• I help clients spend less time spinning their wheels and concentrating on things that 'don't matter to them'.  
• I help clients get clear on what does matter, how they want to spend their time and what they need to do differently in order to make their ideal life come true.  
• I help them remember what it felt like to believe in dreams and possibility and help them believe in themselves that dreams are possible (with a lot of hard work and intentionality)
• I help clients implement tools and tips for when they get stuck (because they inevitably will) I help them recognize that taking a step back isn't the end of the earth but part of the process. And the trick is basically catching yourself when you do go backwards or sideways or basically veer off the path.  
• I help figure out how to achieve their dreams within the confines of their financial situation, and/or lifestyle. 
• I help clients notice, unhook and move beyond the fear monger.

Sound Appealing? Today is the LAST day to sign up for the Find the Work You Love Special--buy one session get a second one free.  To take advantage your free 20 minute session must be scheduled by the end of today February 29th, 2012.  Click here for more information and  to get your appointment scheduled!!

Sometime We Need to Just Be.

Photo Credit:  Lissui

We all get stuck.  We all wake up feeling crabby, tired, sad or angry for a variety of reasons some easily explainable some totally unexplainable.  For those of us who have spent a lot of item in the self help/personal growth world we can get stuck in labeling these feelings. Trying to analyze them, name them, figure out their roots and their whys.  The danger comes when we spend so much time analyzing and debating we rationalize the feelings away or worse when we can't rationalize them away we beat ourselves up for having feelings in the first place.  In an attempt to feel better and explain our mood we end up discounting the mood and ourselves and therefore causing us to spin out.

Days like this fortunately happen pretty rarely for me---but when they do they throw me for a MAJOR loop.  I have found bottom line that when I am in a rotten mood, I compound that mood by beating myself up for being in the mood. In my attempt to talk myself out of the mood I end up hammering myself even harder. So rather than just admitting, hey today is an off day--I am blessed and challenged and moving forward. I hammer myself with words and phrases such as "wow you are so ungrateful, you should be happier, you are just being a baby and much more harsh words.

I know I am not alone in this inner bashing--I hear it in my clients, I see it in my friends and family.  That inner voice can go full throttle and before we know it we are totally wasted.  This am after my shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I thought, 'give that girl some love" so I simply smiled back at myself in the mirror and the tears started flowing, the sadness engulfed me.  I stopped trying to label, stopped trying to analyze, stopped trying to be grateful and just let the tears flow.  Did I immediately feel better?  No.  But I did feel relieved. Relieved, that I could stop running, I could stop trying to figure it out.  I could just BE.  Be in the mood, be sad, be tired, be whatever I felt.  I could be the feeling and keep going.   And I did.

Bottom line we are all human, we all struggle, we all have unexplainable, irrational, uncomfortable, inconvenient emotions.  There is a fine line between running, embracing and ignoring.  I have found the best way is to BE.  I know from first hand experience, it is when I try to explain, rationalize, discount or run I tend to get into more trouble.  Sometimes we just need to be.

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Tomorrow is the last day! Take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

A Week of No Comparison--Update

Photo Credit: Sean MacEntee

A few weeks ago I wrote about my Comparison Free Week.  In an effort to increase my productivity and decrease my negative self talk I decided I would attempt to stop spending so much time on the Interwebs comparing myself.  I'll be honest, I have been putting off writing this update to that post.

I WANT to be able to say

• It was a rousing success, 
• I didn't compare myself to anyone for at least a week.
• It went so well that here I am weeks later still successfully none comparing.  
• My comparison behavior has been changed down right eliminated.
• My productivity has sky rocketed.
• I am healed from comparison syndrome.  

Like I said, I WANT to be able to write that and because I can't I just have chosen not to post about this topic.

So what is the truth?

Well in reality, I started strong.  I was able to limit my comparing for the first week, and then slowly it creeped back in.  And before I knew it I was back to some of my old patterns of spending WAY too much time on the internet and using it as a way to feel bad about myself.  So as a person who is suppose to be teaching about change and positive changes, I felt a bit like a fraud to say that I have not succeeded.  But then last night as I lay in bed unable to sleep, I thought to myself I have changed.

No, I haven't completely changed, I haven't totally eliminated the behavior.

I have:

• Made myself more aware of it.
• Noticed when I start heading down the slippery road to comparison hell (sometimes I am able to stop it sometimes I don't notice until I am too far down the path). 
• Paid attention to what triggers the behavior, how it feels when I am doing it and have implemented some small ways to change it when I notice it. 

That right there is change for me---admitting that while yes I haven't succeeded in eliminating the behavior--I have succeeded.  Because after all, all change is incremental.

Too often we set our goals too high and make them almost out of reach.  Basically we set ourselves up for failure.

Honestly, was I going to be able to go cold turkey from comparing myself to others?--no.  Is it a behavior I would like to change?--yes.  Is it something that is going to take time?--absolutely.

As I say to my clients, the way to make real change is awareness.  We need to notice the behavior, what triggers it, what the feelings are around it.  Sometimes we notice the behavior while we are doing it, sometimes within 5 minutes, sometimes within 30, sometimes it is days later we look back and say--wow I totally did {fill-in the blank} on Monday and I wish I hadn't.  Gradually as we start bringing awareness, and through being intentional change occurs.  That is what is happening with my comparison free time.  It may not be all day every day but for larger chunks of the day I am comparison free which in itself is a victory!!
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It ends next Wednesday!! Take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, Will Kill Ya!!

Photo Credit: Calmenda

Regardless of who we are or how old we we are we have things we wish we would shave done differently, some of us call those regrets, some of us calling those learning experiences.  Frequently clients come into me office lamenting that they should have finished their degree or they could have majored in something different or if they would have taken a different job they would be better off.  This coulda, shoulda, woulda thinking is dangerous and debilitating.  It can hinder our journey, keep us stuck and overall prevent us from being happier.

I am a firm believer that we make decisions at the time with the information and resources we have at the time.  But there are people some of them my clients who if they could would go back and change their minds, make new decisions, take new paths.  They have REAL regret about their past choices and direction. I have found 2 predominant ways of dealing with this regret:

One it becomes paralyzing, they become so focused on the bad choice and regretting it they are unable to move forward for fear of making another bad choice.  They become stuck in 'what if it happens again' mode.  So rather than taking a risk they do nothing.

Two individuals plow ahead and try to make it better.  The opposite of getting stuck, this group moves forward at break neck speed trying to make up for their past mistakes and "get it right".  The issue becomes that they haven't really looked at the regret, they haven't learned anything from their past mistakes. Because they are so afraid of the regret they just keep running ahead to the next thing.  Eventually they look back at a string of mistakes because even though they were 'doing' a lot of things they didn't have a well thought out plan as to what they really wanted.

First step if you have regret and are suffering from coulda, woulda, shoulda syndrome, you need to face the regret.  Face what you wish you had done differently, face why you made the choices you did, and feel the sadness of it not turning out the way you wanted it to.  Sometimes bad stuff just happens.  Sometimes we have the best plan, we have made the best decisions, and we still lose our jobs or don't get into our dream school.  So acknowledge the pain, feel the frustration and sadness.  I am not saying wallow in the regret--but acknowledge that it is there.  As we talked about yesterday, feel the feelings and keep moving forward.

THEN make a new plan.  Start figuring out based on what you know now, what would you do differently, what do you want for your life now.  What old values or beliefs are holding you back.  Given your life style, your goals and who you are as a person (lovely flaws and all) what is you plan to move forward.  If you want to finish your degree and your full time job and 2 kids is holding you back figure out how to take 1-2 classes a quarter, or look on-line for programs, see if your employer will help out on cost. Figure out what you want to do, what is preventing you from doing it and how to work around it.  True, you might not finish your degree in 2 years but as they say 4 years will pass and you could shave a degree at the end or you could be sitting around saying coulda, woulda, shoulda.
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Don't forget to take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

Feel the Feelings and Keep Moving Forward

Last week, I stumbled upon this video. It was used in the context of Valentine's Day and romantic love, but I was listening to it in the slant of career or goals especially as it relates to anxiety and the fear monger.  I love the message of feel the feelings but keep moving forward.  (Honestly, I don't like the phrasing 'do the right thing' because of my own (and many of my clients) issues with always doing the RIGHT thing as if there is an external guide.)  So often we get stuck in one of the other, we get stuck in the feelings and don't/can't make any forward movement or we get so caught up in moving forward we become almost robot-like and lose all touch of our feelings. If we don't feel our feelings they don't go away, they just re-surface at a later day usually in an inappropriate way.

One of my favorite quotes: "Getting what you want can feel very uncomfortable" I see this all the time with myself and my clients.  Once they start getting closer to their goal the fear, and anxiety become much more real.  But when they keep returning to what they value, what they hold most sacred and close they can feel the feelings, and keep moving towards their end goals.  As Dr. Pat says, "A values driven approach to life trumps a feelings driven approach every time."

Enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments section below.




if reading this in email, click here to view

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Don't forget to take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

Always Keep Moving

At a presentation I did last week a woman shared that she had started a small cake business.  It started because she loved to bake cakes and had taken a few of her cakes into work.  Gradually (and as she said unexpectedly) people started ordering cakes.  She never dreamed of going into business as a baker--but now her she was, having a thriving side business and loving it.  So far she had received rave reviews of her cakes but with each new cake she was waiting for the bad review to come in.  Almost to the point of paralyzing her. As I said to her, I almost wish she could have a bad review just so she could face it and get over it, the anticipation of the bad review was almost worse than the actual bad review.

Because bottom line, someone somewhere was not going to like her cakes.  It might have absolutely nothing to do with the quality of her ingredients or her work, it is just a fact we all have different tastes.   She had decided to go back to pastry school to improve her technique--and we discussed that even the master chef's of the world have their cakes criticized--all the education and preparedness in the world won't stop the criticism from happening.  So while learning new techniques was helpful---learning them for the sake of stopping criticism--probably not going to happen.  It was the paralyzing nature of this fear that both struck me and that I understood.

I realized later she was  looking for the 'right answer'.  As long as she made the cake's 'right' every time she would avoid criticism.  This is a running joke in my house, my nearest and dearest is constantly giving me grief as I futilely look for the 'right' way to an event or if we ordered the 'right' food at a restaurant, if I said the 'right' thing at a party.  But in all honestly there is no right, mistakes happen, people criticize, we fail.  

Frequently when we are headed towards our goals, setbacks happen,  someone criticizes your creation, you don't get a job you interviewed for, you don't get your grad school application in on time,  you aren't adequately prepared for a presentation that might have lead to a promotion.  Do you just bag the rest of your career??  Do you just give up?  Bottom line in life, mistakes happen, we fail, we don't do it 'right'.  That is a given, a time honored truth: We are imperfect, flawed human beings.

Yesterday I talked about the concept of spinning our wheels.  Sometimes when we stop spinning our wheels and take that first step we hit a road block, we make a mistake, we get turned down.  It is in those times that we really need to have a little self compassion--pick ourselves up, dust ourselves up and keep our eyes on the big picture.  Maybe you didn't get into the grad school of your choice, but fortunately you applied to 4 other schools so you still have a chance.  Maybe you did mess up the presentation, and you learned how to do it better next time.  You learned you need some help with your presentation skills.  Maybe you didn't get the new job so you keep trying, keep applying, keep building your skills and strengthening your network. Maybe someone does criticize something you made, and you survive knowing you tried your best and created your best product.

It is when we stop that we get into trouble.  It is when we get comfortable in the wheel spinning, or the inertia of not making a move until we are 'right' that life goes from happier to painful.  It would be a shame if the Cake Lady stopped baking cakes simply to avoid criticism, because she was sharing her gift and she enjoyed doing it.  It is when we hit these snags, these roadblocks that we need to keep going.  Need to notice our fears, honor our mistakes, let go of our perfectionism and keep moving.

Always keep moving.

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Don't forget to take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

The Safety in Spinning.

One of the most common statements of my clients is that they feel like they are 'spinning their wheels'.  At the end of the day they are wondering where time went and what they really accomplished

The pattern goes like this:  new client comes into office, over a series of sessions client figures out what they want to be doing next, client and I lay forth a plan to accomplish what's next, client comes back a few weeks later making the above statement about spinning wheels, not accomplishing anything etc.

Usually at this point the client wants to start over again at the 'let's figure out what's next' step.  Which although tempting and definitely more fun and safe--in actuality the 'not doing anything to face the goal' is a good sign to me that we are on to something with this goal.  What this 'spinning of wheels' means is that we have rattled the fear monger.  We have shaken up the pattern, we have decided there is something new and exciting out there and the fear monger (who's job is to keep us safe and protected) is starting to rear it's head in protest.

Frequently the messages of the fear monger allow us to feel like we are spinning our wheels and getting no where.  This propaganda takes A LOT of time and energy to listen to, digest, fight, agree with, listen to, digest, fight, agree with over and over ad nauseum.  If we are spinning we FEEL like we are doing something but we aren't.  We might be 'researching on the web' when really we are comparing ourselves to to other people, thinking about our goal but not doing anything, or buying things we 'need' related to our goal. All the time we are engaged in this spinning: listen to, digest, fight, agree with, listen to, digest, fight, agree with.

Recently, I had a great example of how I broke this spinning the wheels pattern.  I love speaking, leading workshops, educating people on the process of living and working happier. One way to build the speaking part of my business is to have video clips of me presenting on my website.  I have been wanting to do this for months, no probably years.  Yep, since I first started in this business I have been saying to myself I want to put clips of my presentation.  Every time I presented I would come up with some excuse, or I would forget the camera or just plain refuse to record myself. I have purchased a camera, researched how to record and edit, done LOTS of thinking and scheming on this subject but hadn't actually recorded anything.

Finally, last week I decided I would record a presentation I was doing.  Once I made that decision the fear monger started in: "really are you going to want to see yourself present", "what if you aren't as good as you think you are" "once you see yourself you won't be able to go back it will be there in full color how bad you suck at speaking" and on and on and on.I acknowledge her and said quietly to myself it's time and I kept moving one step in front of the other. (believe it or not, my fear monger showed up at each and every one of these steps)

1. Went to Target to buy the tripod to hold my camera.
2. Tested the camera, changed batteries and packed it up for my presentation.
3. At the event, set up the camera, tested it and got it ready.
4. Turned on the camera at the presentation.
5. Downloaded the videos
6. Showed the videos to my husband (HUGE)
7. Edited the videos down to 4 snippets-
8. Posted the videos on my website---check them out here
9. Shared them with my list via my newsletter.

Like I said, I literally heard the fear monger, in every one of those steps. Today I sit here totally thrilled!  So excited to be sharing these videos with you, so excited to have accomplished something, so excited to just have faced the fear monger and moved forward.  Is the fear monger gone, hells to the no, she is still here...telling me that writing this is too personal, that I am oversharing etc.  And yet, I still write, regardless.

But if we don't take one step at at time, if we don't put one foot in front of the other,  acknowledge the monger AND keep moving we will continually spin our wheels.  Because even though spinning is annoying it is safe :)  So as I do with all my clients who are dealing with spinning wheels I am going to ask you to pick one thing, take one step, move in the direction of your goal, your 'what's next', acknowledge your fear and keep going.

Here are some examples of small steps:

• Research one idea
• Make one phone call
• Set up one meeting
• Tell one person
• Write an outline
• Write an email
• Make a timeline

Let me know how it goes!!

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Don't forget to take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

The Emotions of Valentines Day--and a SPECIAL OFFER

Happy Valentine's Day.  I don't think there is a holiday that has more emotions (and their for opinions) then this one.  Mention this holiday to any random person and you will immediately get their thoughts.  It seems that what people hate most about this holiday is that it someone high above is telling us how to feel.

Someone (ok, you can argue, Hallmark, Jared, 1-800 Flowers) is telling us to buy stuff for our loved ones or telling us we should feel crappy and sad if we don't have a special someone to buy stuff for.  Regardless, some say, the message is coming from outside of ourselves and then you hear whispers of commercialism and the MAN bringing us down.

However, as much as I agree that this holiday encourages commercialism and makes us believe love should be ideal and romantic.  As much as it begins with high expectations and ends with disappointment.  The spirit of the holiday is wonderfully amazing to celebrate Love.  To celebrate love in all its forms the love we have for a special someone and the love we have for our friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances.  The fact that love exists at all is a miracle.  And with the joy of love comes the pain, the bitterness the sadness of not having as much love as we might want in our lives.  With one unfortunately comes the other.  Maybe not in major swings but they both exist, when you love someone or something you also run the risk of losing it.  That is the beauty of this holiday...celebrating the vulnerability that is life.

But I am a career counselor, why am I going off about LOVE?  Because I think love is the crux of all we do.  When we have love in everything in our lives we are happier.  When we love our work, love our partners, love our activities we are happier, more joyful, more intentional, more inspired human beings.

SO... (drum roll please...)

in honor of this highly emotional, celebrating love holiday I am running a Find the Work You Love Valentine's Day Special. 


From now through February 29th, 2012  new clients can take advantage of the What Comes Next Package at half off.   So what would have cost you $250 for 2 sessions will now only be $125!!!

Check out my website for more information or just sign up here (click on the Find the work You love link)

Who are you NOT to Live Happier?

Thanks to StudioJru for the photo

The most common lament I hear in my office is Who am I to (fill in the blank)...Honestly client's rarely say those words but they are the overarching message of most of the doubts and insecurities that my clients share.  Who am I to be happy...to ask for more money...to go back to school...to do something I love?  The words they say are I can't go back to school because we don't have enough money, that would take too long or  I already have a degree and on and on and on.  But bottom line I believe the underlying theme is who am I to put my family out and ask to go back to school?  Who am I to get another degree I should have picked right the first time?  Who am I to ask for more money in this economy I am lucky to have a job?

So we continue to aim low, play small, stay in our box. Occasionally I think of this lament in my own world. As I blog, do presentations or write, I think who am I to say how to do this stuff?  Even though I have figured and implemented a lot of actions to make my life happier I still am human, still have things to learn.  So every now and then the question of Who Am I will enter my brain.

Recently when that thought pops into my head I have been asking myself Who am I NOT??  Who am I NOT to share what I have learned, what works for me?  I have started asking my clients that same question...who are you NOT to go back to school, to get paid what you are worth, to have a career you adore?  Who are you NOT to make sacrifices and work hard to show your children what living happier looks and feels like?  Who are you NOT to share what you have learned, spread your gifts and live a life that is authentic and therefore powerful??

Somewhere along the line we learned humble is best, play small, stay compliant and all will be well.  But today I am challenging you to first pay attention to how often your mongers have the theme of 'who am I....?' and then ask yourself 'who am I NOT....?'

Through Another's Eyes

The power of perspective is an amazing thing to me.  We are all walking around seeing the world through our own lenses. Those lenses contain past hurts, pain, celebrations, victories and losses.  The perspective we have is our own, influenced by all we have experienced in the past, stories we have heard from other people and any other genetic predispositions.  If no two people are alike than neither are no two stories.  Yet each day we go through life trying to convince others to see it our way, pretending the world is viewed through the same lens. Whether interacting with a co-worker, a spouse or a complete stranger it is vitally important that we remember we all have a different story.

I can remember years ago I was working as an office manager at a small real estate firm.  There were less than 5 people working there (all men) and I was responsible for running the office and being the right hand of the owner.  The office was a very close knit, we frequently ate lunches together, had lots of inside jokes and to be honest we were a tough group to join.  Not surprisingly, when we hired a new receptionist she had a tough time fitting in.  She was quiet and it seemed she was simply looking to do her job, and go home. She didn't want to interact and play our 'reindeer games'.  At least that was my perspective.  I assumed she was happy doing her job, eating her lunch by herself and leaving the gregarious frivolity to me and the other guys that worked there.

Later after she turned in her notice I learned that she did want more she just didn't know how to go interact and break through the barrier into our inner circle.  In her resignation letter she referred to me as the "Queen of the Office" and that she could never compete with me and my relationship with the guys.   I remember feeling shocked and disappointed that I had mis-read her so poorly.  She wasn't choosing to be anti-social she just didn't know any other way and we were a tough crowd. I spent many days feeling that I had let her down and not taken good care of her.

I learned a lot from that situation. You never know how someone is truly feeling or what they are thinking.  People see the world through their own lenses. Had I been more curious, more open to how she might have felt coming into a small close knit office community as a quiet introverted female, it might have gone differently.  On the other hand,  I learned I can't take care of everybody. I spent a lot of energy the weeks after she left feeling badly about how she left.  Yes, I should have tried to see the world through her lenses and not assumed so much about her behavior.  I could have done to help her feel in more included, I could have pushed harder and invited her more often. I wish I would have had more curiosity about where she was coming from and what her story was.   AND she was also responsible for her actions and feelings.  She was responsible for expressing her frustration and sharing her needs.

We all have a story a unique perspective that includes all of our wants and needs.  It is our own responsibility to share that story as needed, explain our perspective and 'play nice with others'.  It is also our responsibility to remember everyone has a unique view of the world and rather than try to change that world view---let's start having some curiosity about the stories.  If we would all pay attention to our stories and listen to others--I believe the world would be a better place.

Noticing the Voices

This weekend for a variety of reasons, my 'monger' came out to play.  Not necessarily with a message of fear just the generally negative voice that pops up every now and then and spreads messages of despair, fear and negativity.  That negative voice that comes out to play from time to time.  To be honest she hadn't payed me a visit in quite some time.  But she did hang out this weekend.

The concept that constantly amazes me about the mongers whether they be fear, doubt, insecurity or shame is how easily they can come in and take residency. I love the term monger because it so accurately describes these voices--someone who spreads negative propaganda to get you to go there way.  In reality that is what these voices are doing, feeding us negative propaganda to keep us safe, keep us contained and protect us from getting hurt.  But in their desire to keep us so protected they end up hurting us---like an overprotective parent who can love too much.

The most amazing part about the monger voices is how comfortable they feel how easily they go unnoticed.  It wasn't until almost 24 hours in to the visit that I really recognized she was there  She hid herself in birthday celebrations and other events.

So many books are written on facing your fears, and dealing with the gremlins of our lives. Awesome useful books.  But I would argue the first step is even RECOGNIZING you have a gremlin or a fear the that has taken up residence in your brain.

It sounds counter intuitive but in so many ways my monger is safe and comfortable. Like an old sweater that feels so soft but after you wear it you realize it is thin and baggy and has holes in it and it really isn't that warm.  So too are the mongers, they come in as our friends feeding us comfort and safety but in reality their job is to keep us stuck in our old patterns.  Feeling sorry for ourselves, holding old grudges,  reopening old wounds just so we can obsess about them all over again.

These tapes and voices are so familiar I hardly recognize them as mongers until well into my "monger pattern" which for me is to disengage (e.g.watch TV, play computer games and over eat.)  My monger disguised this laziness in "it's your birthday do whatever you want".  My mongers loves to convince me to just hang, be lazy, disconnect, shut down down tune out. And then she goes to town...wooing me with her words of negativity and insecurity.  Until 24 hours in I am done for--too sloth like to wage any type of battles.

But this weekend was different, this weekend I dealt with my monger in a new way.  Yes, it took me a while to recognize the old pattern (honestly over 24 hours) but when I did I had a little chat with my monger..telling her how it was going to be different.  The changes were incremental--but they were there.  I stopped obsessing over old wounds and beating myself up over situations long past.  I thanked my mongers for showing up, listened briefly to their message and then asked them to seek refuge elsewhere.  I then got up off the couch and re-engaged with life.

This weekend was a wonderful reminder to me of how left unchecked our mongers can woo us into submission.  They can keep us safe and accepting second best.  It is through this awareness of how often our mongers is taking up residency that true change can come.  So this week I challenge you to really stop and listen. Pay attention...how often does your monger speak to you..what is your 'monger pattern' (activities you engage in when the monger has won).  I am not saying LISTEN to the voices, necessarily, but merely noticing them and the patterns they cause. Knowing these signs and patterns is step one in making lasting change in decreasing the hold and power of the Monger.

Building a Life of Passion, Purpose, Love and Boundaries

Today I am cheating a little and reposting from an post in the archives.  I discovered recently that this post is my most popular (most searched) entry of my 300+ blog entries.

I wanted to repost it because the theme of unconditional love has been popping up a lot in my practice lately. Strange, you might say since I specialize in career counseling, but living one's dreams, finding a happier career will always and forever be linked with relationships.  If there is one thing I would love to spread to the world it is that the key to happier living is to look at our whole lives, our relationships, our work, our interests and build a LIFE that is happier.  We will not live a life of passion and purpose if we don't blend all of our 'worlds'.  We also will not live a life of passion and purpose if we don't have support of people who love and support us AND if we don't have strong healthy boundaries.  This post helps answer the age old question of how do I have both unconditional love for others and healthy boundaries?

So here is a post from February 2010.

Last week, I gave a talk to a local group on communication and conflict.  If you are a regular reader, you know one of my biggest beliefs is that what we all crave is a little validation and unconditional love.  Especially when we are dealing with conflict, we need to have the ability to hear people's stories and understand their perspective.

One of the women at the presentation came up to me afterwards.  She had the belief that if you unconditionally love someone they will take advantage of you or not perform their best.  She told me the story of her adult son who was struggling to get his life going and had made some bad decisions.  She felt one of the reasons he was struggling was because she had loved him too much. As we talked more, I began to realize there is a difference between unconditional love and love with no personal boundaries.  Unconditional love is the concept of I know you are doing the best you can with what you have, it is being present to someone in need and holding the space.  Love with no boundaries means I allow you to take advantage of me, to hurt me, to belittle me in the name of love.  In the brief conversation with this woman, it became clear that her son was taking advantage of her generosity and her kindness.  It also became clear that what she thought was unconditional love (financial support and helpful guidance) was laced with criticism and judgment.

It is my belief when we unconditionally love someone when we allow them to be all that they are failures and strengths, personality glitches and generosities, people soar to meet our expectations.  Unconditional love is such a rare and wonderful gift.  We all want to be loved just for being who we are.  When someone gives us that gift we want to strive to be the best person possible.  However, to unconditionally love someone doesn't mean I need to accept someone's rude behavior, or put up with someone's disrespect and lying.  I can unconditionally love someone and have strong boundaries that don't allow that behavior in my presence.

Unconditional love means I see in you all your wonderful gifts and strengths and I am going to continually point those out to you AND when you are struggling and making bad decisions I am still going to see all the wonderfulness that is you.  I am not going to judge you or criticize you AND I am going to have strong boundaries so you don't take advantage of me or hurt me because you are struggling.

As the woman walked away, she said she had never thought of love that way.  She said she realized that she was more angry at herself then her son because she didn't have good boundaries so she allowed him to take advantage.  Don't get me wrong, the son was clearly in the wrong for hurting his mother, however she also had some responsibility in allowing to happen repeatedly.

Unconditional love is not for the weak of heart. Unconditional love requires the strength to love them anyway.  It requires the strength to set personal boundaries so you can love from a distance if need be. It is not critical, belittling or manipulative it is open, full and accepting. Unconditional love allows us to see the best in other people and allows them to become their best.  Bottom line, unconditional love is a wonderful, challenging, difficult gift we can give to ourselves and those close to us.

What are your thoughts on unconditional love?  What do you struggle with around this concept?

All Change is Incremental

Lately I have been thinking a lot of about change.  The challenge of change, the consistency of change and the constant need for change.  I can still remember sitting in my Gestalt Training Program and having my very wise teacher saying in his loud booming scratchy voice:  "Remember People, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL"  He would always say it 3 times and would always say it in full volume.

I learned so much from that training but this tidbit was by far the most powerful.  It is common wisdom to hear "people don't change". In all honesty, people do change we all grow develop become older and more mature, whether we want to or not.  But really change is HARD.  For anyone who has tried to start an exercise program, quit smoking or even switch jobs you can testify to how hard it is to change.  First thing you have to WANT the change secondly you have to be diligent about the change, paying attention to triggers, noticing self talk, understanding motivations and thirdly you just have to do it, take the baby steps and implement the change.

So often I think we get discouraged because we forget ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL.  If you want to start an exercise program and you haven't worked out in years, maybe implementing a nightly walk is a great first step as opposed to committing to 1 hour at the gym 5 nights a week.  Committing to the nightly walk is a small incremental change, not a major lifestyle shift like going to the gym every night.

Similarly if you are looking to make a shift in your career.  It isn't necessary to go all in, quit your job, and figure out what's next in the span of a month.  Figuring out what comes next takes time. Knowing what you value,  what you want for your life and the next steps is a process. Once you know what you want to change your career to the incremental changes begin, facing fears, looking for openings and schools, networking and generally facing all the voices in your head.

Change is a part of life, even major life changes that occur (accidents, deaths, job loss) take time to adjust to, the action may be immediate but the ripples of the change take effect in incremental bites.

Real change takes time, step by step, one small bite at a time.