VLOG: The Illusion of Control

This week I received a wonderful reminder--just in time for the holidays.





Wishing you and yours a wonderful, relaxing, laughter filled holiday!!

The Gift of Receiving

It is the season for giving.  Sometimes what is lost is the simple act of receiving.  So many of the people I know are generous in giving, in their time, energy, money and spirit.  Where we lack is in receiving.  Taking in the compliment, generous gesture, act of kindness or even a simple I am sorry.  Much of the joy of giving comes from the person we are giving to being able to receive, to take in whatever it is we are giving.

The other day my nearest and dearest and I had a disagreement and he looked at me and simply said I am sorry.  And I immediately said, "No problem, don't worry" and he said, "You know what?, you are really bad at receiving" and it hit me.  He's right, I don't receive very well.  I like to DO for others, give and give.  But part of the joy of relationship (whether significant or merely acquaintance) is to be able to receive.

A few months ago a friend of mine was having financial problems.  I know one of her favorite things to do is to meet for a drink and catch up however, she knew she couldnt' afford it that month so she said no.  When I offered to pay, she looked at me with a stressed face and said let me think about it.  Finally, she came back and said "yes, I would love to accept a drink from you, thank you". That exchange was significant for both of us, a bonding experience if you will.  By her trusting me in her vulnerability to admit, she needed help and then to take help from me was a gift for both of us.

I admit, these examples are small.  There are a lot bigger examples of giving and receive then "I'm sorry" and buying someone a drink.  But I believe these every day ways of giving and receiving make an impact on our world.  They open our hearts and enable us to give (and receive) on a larger level.

So as we go through the holiday season, pay attention not only to how much you give but to how well you receive.  Receiving with an open heart, expressing your vulnerability and sharing a simple 'thank you' helps everyone live happier.

Tips for Surviving the "What do you do?" Question

Ah the Holidays!   Evenings and weekends are filled with gatherings with friends and family.  Joyous events where we can catch up and see what's new with people we haven't seen in a year or so.  Unfortunately for many people I know these joyous events strike fear in their hearts.  Time to answer the inevitable question "So what do you do?" over and over again.  These joyous events can leave us feeling lost and bitter that we have to 'justify' our lives to other people in a 30 second window.  Maybe you haven't found a career that makes your heart sing yet, but you are looking and trying and facing up to all your fear mongers.  Or maybe you have and it just doesn't live up to expectations of those around you.  

Don't get me started on the unfairness of the 'values' of society. In many circles, it doesn't matter if you enjoy your job or if it is on purpose with your value system, all that matters is  that you are using your education (or have gotten a lot of it) and making lots of money.  But that is another blog for another day.

Today I am writing to those of you who aren't quite where you want to be in your career journey. Who find yourself dreading the idea of reconnecting with old friends and facing the justification and comparisons that will inevitably occur.

To you I offer some tips:

1.  You are what you believe you are.  For most of the people I know who are unhappy in their career, their first instinct is to complain, sell themselves short and belittle their jobs.  I know we are what we believe we are and when we answer the question with a negative, we take on that negativity, we become the loser who has an unfulfilling job.  Versus the guy who while trying to figure it out also needs to pay some bills.  Let's say you are a guy who makes minimum wage working retail while you work on getting your writing career off the ground. You can sell that two ways.  "I work a minimum wage retail job that I hate"  OR "I am writing a book that I am really excited about and to support myself I work retail and get a pretty cool discount"  Both are true, one just has a better 'spin' factor on it.  I am not saying to LIE, I am saying to tell the truth.  Let's say you are a woman who works a desk job that you hate you have no idea what you want to do next and you are struggling with figuring it out.  You can say "I work a crappy desk job that I hate" or "I am really trying to figure out what my purpose is but I am stuck, so in the mean time I am working a desk job to help pay the bills"

2.  People are trying to help.  I know it doesn't feel like it but when someone asks "what do you do?". But I promise, they aren't wanting to belittle you (and if they are --why are you standing there talking to them!) they are merely making conversation.  Most of the time they want to help, they want to provide tips and job search advice.  And this too can be annoying.  So I want to remind you to keep repeating to yourself when person #582 offers you yet another tip on how to figure out the perfect job that they are not trying to annoy you they are trying to help you.  Unfortunately for most people, help means advice.  Look to the next tip for how to redirect this misdirected 'helping'.

3.  People who knew you 'back then' might have some insight.  Sometimes we get so stuck on the fact that we hate our jobs, and trying to figure out what we want to DO with out lives, we forget what we use to like to do.  Frequently our interests as a child, or teenager can provide insights into what we want to do now.  So when someone starts giving you advice on what you should do ask them to remind you of who you were when they knew you.  What did they think you would be doing?  Who did they see you becoming?  What do they remember you enjoying? And then just listen.  Some of their ideas might be DEAD WRONG but some of them might provide a new idea or spark an old interest.  Regardless of what they say it will probably be more helpful then the random advice from tip #2.  Most importantly remember to take in what is useful and disregard the rest!!

4.  Remember this is a journey.  Ok so maybe you hate your job, maybe finding a positive spin is just impossible and you absolutely hate every piece of advice, insight, or idea that people offer to you.  Take a breath, and remind yourself this is a journey. This is a one step at a time journey.  Right now you might be lost, confused, hating life but next year you might have the most fabulous career known to man.  But if you get stuck in the negativity, depression and angst you won't take the baby steps to make it better.  I know, answering the question "what do you do" when you don't love what you do, sucks.  AND figuring out what makes your heart sing is a priceless gift you can give yourself.  So don't give up.  Remind yourself why you enjoy the holidays (even if it is just the fact you get to eat christmas cookies) and savor every one of those moments.

For those of you who have figured out what makes your heart sing--congratulations!  As you go through your holiday merriment remember the struggle it use to be to answer the question "what do you do?" and have some generosity of sprit for those who are struggling.

Have any other tips? Feel free to share how you have survived the "what do you do?" question in the comment section!!

Happy Holidays!

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Just in time for the holidays-Do you know someone who is struggling to work happier and find a career that makes their heart sing?  Gift certificates are a great way to give that special someone the gift of living and working happier.  Check out the shop on my website for more information!!

Live Happier Tip: Stay in your Own Car

One of my favorite reminders to myself comes from Iyanla Vanzant, it is a simple quote which says, "stay in your own car".  Which basically is a nice way of saying, mind your own business.  For me, it is a reminder that the only person I am ultimately responsible for and have complete control over is myself.   

For example,  a loved one, acquaintance, or friend comes to you with a problem, maybe it is a dead-end job, or a dysfunctional relationship.  It is a true principle in my experience that frequently we can see other's stuff before they can and vice versa.  Have you ever left a job or a relationship only to have your friends say "about time" "we have been waiting for you to figure that out".  They had seen it wasn't a good fit for you months or years before you had and never bothered to tell you. OR they did tell you, they got out of their car and into yours and tried to show you exactly why you were making the wrong decisions.  And what did you do?  You probably just stopped talking to them about that particular problem.   However, I am also a big believer we can only see what we are ready to deal with and process.  So even though I may see that someone is in the wrong job--if they aren't ready to deal with the ramifications and soul searching necessary to find a new job then they won't make a move. 

Basically as hard as it is, it is not our job to fix people.  It is our job to be present, hold the space and help them reach their maximum potential, in their time.  Let me repeat that, help them reach THEIR potential not what we think their potential is not what we wish their potential to be but THEIR potential.  As I said earlier this week, we are all a work in progress.  We are all trying to be the best we can be, and sometimes we take wrong turns, get detoured and just down right stuck.  But we need those around us, our precious Pooh's to patiently hold our hands and help us through the times when life seems bleak.  We need people who are willing to stay in their car and keep us company on the journey.

So often we think we know best, truth be told, we might be able to see 'what's best' for someone before they can.  But what we can't see is their journey, their path, their potential.  We can't see what lessons they need to learn and why.  We can't see what lessons their current 'challenges' might be offering for the future. Even if their car is destined for a crash, it is our job to support them before the crash, during the crash and after the crash, from our car.  So often we spend all of our time trying to 'rescue' other people and drive their cars, we forget to drive our own.  

In my opinion in order to live happier and work happier, we have to learn how to let people be where they are, on their own path, in their own car.  We need to accept they are doing the best they can with what they have.  Not that they won't learn and grow eventually, but for now they are where they need to be. Our role is to help them reach their potential by supporting their journey and respecting THEIR journey which is not necessarily ours. 

So the next time you catch yourself getting out of your car and trying to drive someone else's ask yourself--am I REALLY helping them on THEIR journey?  And most importantly, What am I missing/ trying to avoid on my journey by not driving my own car?