The Gift of Sharing

Today I am writing while hanging at the Denver airport--honestly 24 hours ago this was the LAST place I thought I would be today.  A friend of mine is moving from the west coast to the east coast and while his wife was flying with their children to their new home, he was going to be driving their 2 dogs across country.  If there is one thing I love it is a good road trip, so a few weeks ago we concocted this scheme that I would fly half way across the country (Lincoln, NE) and he would pick me up and we would continue on the journey.  It was going to be my last hurrah as a single girl, a crazy adventure like I have done a million times before (and know I will continue to do post-marriage) my warped version of a bachelorette party.  Yet here I sit in the Denver airport waiting to catch my flight back to Columbus, while my friend begins day 3 of his road trip. After a series of flight cancellations, killer storms, long lines, cranky travelers, a hotel stay and 3-4 trips through security I gave up my quest and now plan to head back home.

So this morning as I climbed into the hotel shuttle to head back to the airport, I was surprised that the first thing I did was strike up a conversation with the people in the seat next to me.  A little background I rarely strike up a conversation with strangers other than the usual banal chatter. A full  on conversation such as 'where are you headed?'  'why are you here?'  Is rare for me.  I am happy to engage when someone asks me but I am not usually the instigator.  But this morning I think I have struck up 4-5 conversations with random people, because bottom line I needed to tell my story.  I needed to share my disappointment, my anger, my exhaustion with someone.  I needed someone to witness that yes, this is a bummer and wow that really sucks.

In the scheme of life, missing flights and having a vacation canceled is not that big of a trauma--especially this morning when I saw the news of all the people truly effected by the storms that canceled my flight last night with loss of homes, businesses and lives.  But to me in my life it was a disappointment.   I realized the more I shared my story and the more people that witnessed it the better I felt, the less angry I was, the less disappointed, the more perspective I gained.

This experience, reconfirmed for me the power of not only sharing our stories but truly listening when someone shares their stories to us. There is a healing that occurs when we open up and share our stories, share our tears, our frustrations, our joys and our fears.  It is when we walk around stoic and 'brave' that our stories get cemented, the bitterness grows the fears take over and we become paralyzed.
So today share a story you have been keeping down, pick a complete stranger or a close friend and share what's really going on.  Maybe it is you hate your job, or you think you want to make a change but don't know how, or you are frustrated with your boss/partner/friend/mother/father etc.  Whatever it is let it out.  And when someone on a plane, strikes up a conversation with you--take 5 minutes from your book and just listen--remind yourself we all have a story and some times it just needs to get out.

Wedding Planning and Life Lessons

I apologize for the pause in blog posting.  Life has been a blur of working, wedding preparations, and traveling.  The bulk of that being wedding prep--we are a little more than a month away from our wedding and to say I am feeling overwhelmed by it all would be an understatement.  Wedding planning has been a true test for me in practicing what I preach with my clients and I wanted to share a few things I have confirmed and discovered along the way:

Living by your values requires constant reassessment:  From the very beginning we were clear what we wanted with our wedding--we knew we wanted a celebration that uniquely expressed us, we wanted our friends and family to feel important, we wanted our vows to be a serious memorable time and we wanted to have fun laid back party including swimming and dancing (and not just regular dancing but bust a move, sweat through your shirt dancing). Throughout the process I can't count the number of times I have turned to my nearest and dearest and said "does this fit the vision?" We have constantly reassessed and made sure that each decision fits into the final vision.  So too with life we need to be constantly evaluating and checking-in that we are on the right path, living our vision and doing small and consistent activities to fulfill the long term goals.

Flexibility is key:  Although we have consistently kept to the vision there are a few things I said, 'no way' to initially that are now a part of the ceremony.  Either because they were important to someone involved or because they added to the 'flow' of the event.  I have been surprised at the amount of flexibility and adjustment that has been needed in planning one event.  As in life, surprises happen, life throws stuff at us all the time and we need to flow and sway with what happens.  These adjustments and changes were made easier because I knew we had the big vision, we had our core values and even though the changes might not have fit my initial ideas, they didn't upset the big vision.  Which is why I encourage all my clients to know their values, because then as life throws road blocks and new ideas at us, we can adjust accordingly based on our values.

Don't take it too seriously.  This is a BIG one for me--I tend to be a bit intense, perfectionist and type A so letting go and not getting caught up on details is a bit of a challenge for me.  Fortunately my nearest and dearest is always there to balance me out and remind me "does this really matter?".  Yet another reason why the big vision is so important to me because when I catch myself spinning out over programs or center pieces I can remind myself of what is most important and move on.  As is true in life sometimes we get so caught up in the details and the drama we forget what is most important, our big vision, our values.

So stay tuned for more updates and also to hear about some of the awesome Work Happier events I have coming up this summer post-wedding.

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Want to figure out your big vision?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!!    Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Waiting for the If Only....

Recently I came home from a gathering with a group of friends.  I had fun, but some of the discussion left me feeling a little sad and out of sorts, as I drove home feeling sad I started thinking an old familiar thought "if only I had someone special in my life then this wouldn't matter".  Embarrassingly I allowed myself to flow down that thought path for a few moments before I realized, wait a minute, I have someone in special in my life, in all honesty I have many 'special someone's' in my life, but specifically I have a nearest and dearest.  And then I got a little more sad when I realized how that old tape just plays there over and over saying if only...

A little background, I have been single much of my adult life.  Much of my twenties and thirties were spent pouring myself into my career and secretly hoping to find a nearest and dearest that would make all my woes disappear.
Had a bad day "If only I had a nearest and dearest to share this with life would be better"
Fight with a friend  "If only I could rely on a nearest and dearest"
Feeling sick "If only I had someone to take care of me",
Feeling sad about my dad's Parkinson's illness "If only my I had a nearest and dearest to ease this burden" and on and on and on.

ANYTIME something was out of sorts I would blame it on not having a significant other--it was my go to, fix all, catch all reason I was unhappy.  That if only tape allowed me to move around a lot of uncomfortable emotions because any time I felt any uncomfortable emotion, sadness, anger, doubt, or fear I would shut it down, excuse it and put it in the if only box.

And now amazingly I have a nearest and dearest, a warm caring couldn't-have-made-him-up-to-be-more-perfect-for-me, guy and yep there are times when I drive home upset and sad about something.  And yes, I have him to talk to about it and yes I have him to take care of me when I am sick, and yes there are times it makes life easier.  But really as wonderful as he is, he doesn't have magical powers, he can't make my colds go away, he can't heal my father (although he does a great job of making him laugh), he can't make my neurosis vanish.  All of that stuff, that life-being-human-sometimes annoying emotional stuff that is the stuff I have to handle.  That is the stuff that makes life rich and gooey and challenging and joyful.  And while, yes I can experience it with him it share my joys and sorrows with him, at the end of the day I have to figure out how to make myself happy.

So as I rode in the car, realizing for that my catch all unhappiness 'if only' was gone I had a moment of mourning.  I realized the last thing I wanted to do was create another substitute 'if only'.  Then came a 'growing up' moment, if you will,  a moment of relief.  A moment of realizing, it is all within my capabilities there isn't a magical if only it is all just life. It is up to me to deal with my emotions as they arise rather than pouring them all into the 'if only' excuse.  I admit after the initial shock, it was rather freeing.  I also admit that I have caught myself more than once since the realization saying "if only I had a significant other" and just allowed a little grin to spread across my face. And then I asked myself, "what's really going on here, what emotion are you trying to ignore" and inevitable some uncomfortable emotion springs forth.

If only's don't just have to be significant others then can be if only:
you had the perfect job
the kids were grown,
you got the promotion,
you won the lottery
on and on and on.  

We tend to look for the magic bullet, the place to pour all our excuses and uncomfortableness so we don't have to deal with it.  What is your if-only?  Is it still true?  How is it serving you and how is it holding you back?

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Want to see what's under your "if only"?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone get to know each other better!!    Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What are your unique gifts?

Thanks to Dr. Keats for the cool photo!

Today is a writing day for me. Every couple of weeks I take a day to not see clients and just write/catch up on paperwork etc. To be honest it hasn't been a very productive work day--I have had a writers/creativity block all day. So I have spent the day paying bills-cleaning the kitchen and debating with my nearest and dearest how to ease the temporary flood in our back yard.

I knew when I started out the day reading Facebook/scanning other blogs and watching Ted.com--I was in trouble. I have this challenge of comparing myself to other people and the negative messages fly through my head taking up much of the afternoon. Until I stumbled upon Malcolm Gladwell speaking on pasta sauce (see ted.com isn't all bad). You can watch the entertaining/inspiring video below.

While watching Malcolm regale the audience with information about the secret to selling pasta sauce I was reminded of a key component to happiness--celebrating our uniqueness.  It is a component that gets lost when I start comparing myself to other people, or when my self talk includes more 'shoulds' than 'wants'. It is when I am celebrating my uniqueness, using my own strengths,sharing my own story and writing my own lessons that I feel best about my work as a writer and a therapist.   I was reminded of the  a simple concept--we are all unique and there is no right way to happiness!

I was struck by how often in my office clients come in not having any ideas about their unique gifts and views. Inevitably every one of my clients says, "I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life" or some form of that statement.  And inevitably after a session or two their unique gifts start to appear, and they start to look at themselves through different eyes.  They start to see themselves not as the image that has been crafted in their head by parent, teachers, friends, family or co-workers, but as a unique individual with special values, talents, goals and ambitions. Fortunately, it is my job to create a safe place for that uniqueness to take shape and be expressed.

Unfortunately in our society, uniqueness is not celebrated.  We try to encourage it but honestly life is simpler if we all just get along and go along.  If we all just conform to the 'norm' it involves a lot less thinking, a lot less awareness a lot less time and a lot less happiness.  When we just 'go along' do what we think we SHOULD do versus what appeals to our gut, we sell ourselves and our talents short and we become a shell of who we really could be.

Which brings me back to my writers block...this am as I scanned the blogs, obsessed about what all the successful people were doing on Ted.com and generally just hammering myself silly--I realized I wasn't celebrating my uniqueness...my talents...my callings.  I was too busy comparing myself to other people.  When I stopped doing that, allowed myself some freedom to express myself this post came forth (and so did a few others.... to be posted soon).  So today I ask you--what are your unique gifts?  What do you want to express to the world (or maybe just to your neighborhood)?  Let's start sharing our gifts and living and working happier in the process!!!




Want to finally answer the question "What do I want to do with my life"?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!