Unexplainable Bad Days

It is a cold, gray, rainy/snowy day in Ohio. The weather combined with the fact that it is a Monday after a 4 day holiday weekend and I have found myself in a bad mood. Bad moods sometimes just happen. You know the kind when you just wake up feeling crabby and you don't want to get out of bed. When you finally drag yourself out of the warm cozy bed everything appears to go wrong or maybe nothing goes wrong I just see it as ALL going wrong.

I was thinking today that many people believe (and I use to be one of them) that if they are living intentionally or on purpose they won't have bad days. The belief goes that if I am living my values, or trying to make choices that fit my intentions and long term goals--I won't have a bad day. But in reality we are human--there are going to be times when the weather is terrible and I have to work so I can't spend the day hanging with my friends and family. No matter what I do I can't change that--I have found the best way to handle a bad mood is to just admit I am in one. If I stop trying to 'cheer' myself up or talk myself out of it--it only gets worse. It is the days when I am intentional about my mood--when I am aware that I am in a MOOD and I just allow myself to feel it--to feel the sadness or anger or anxiety or frustration or annoyance. To just experience it. Today that included scribbling in my journal, crying, cranking up some 'bitter music' and just letting out my mood. It also included a workout which I DID NOT want to do but was a great release of my mood. So moral of the story is that unexplainable bad moods happen--it is our job as human beings to recognize our mood and make a choice about it--we can ignore it--stuff it with food/alcohol/shopping--'cheer ourselves' up or we can decide you know what today is a bad day so I am going to express my emotions safely and get through it.

As always a couple of caveats-when I say embrace your mood I don't mean kick the cat or yell at your partner. I mean accept the fact that today you aren't feeling it, and allow yourself to process the emotions as they come. Pay attention if anger comes up or fear or anxiety or sadness. Safely process your mood--talk to a friend, write in a journal, workout etc. Secondly unexplainable bad days do happen but if you have more than one or two in a row then perhaps something else is going and that is worth looking into with a professional.

The beauty of it is that tomorrow is another day.

Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving sometimes gets a bad rap--it doesn't have the magic and of course presents of Christmas, nor the warmth and fireworks of Fourth of July. Basically it is seen as a holiday where you eat and drink a lot and try to tolerate your family.

As I have gotten older I have gained more respect for this holiday. One of the key principals to living intentionally is gratitude. Gratitude immediately forces us to be in the moment, to be aware of what is happening in our lives. Gratitude allows us to see the small little blessings that happen every day. It is a Catch-22 one of the key practices to intentionally living is gratitude and when we are living intentionally gratitude naturally happens. So for today on this day of Thanks I challenge you to be grateful not just for the standard things like your home, your family, your friends, your health. Dig a little deeper--look for the items, events, people that are unique to you. Why are you grateful for your house? What about your partner makes you grin? What is it in your best friend that you love so much? What is it about your favorite food that makes you happy? What makes you joyful on a daily basis?

This morning as I type I am grateful for my warm sweater and the furnace removing the morning chill. My coffee is brewing and I can smell the wonderful fragrance that makes me happy!! I am grateful for my comfy couch, my cat sleeping on my lap (to keep warm) the warm shower I just took and the fact that I am going to drive to my family's house where I am able to help my mom cook Thanksgiving dinner and watch the Macy's parade. I am grateful the day will be filled with laughter and joy that we have yet another Thanksgiving dinner to spend together as a family.

So for today practice your gratitude and then tomorrow keep practicing. I try to end each day with 5 things I am grateful for--get creative--and see all the wonderful little blessings that make up our world.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Laughter

The concept of Intentional Living sounds so serious. I think there is a misnomer that if someone is living intentionally than they will be always serious, always aware, always in a state of meditation. I believe if someone is living intentionally they are living from a place of lightheartedness. From a place of joy and creativity and laughter.

If we are living with intent we are able to see the trauma in life AND the joy in life. We are able to laugh with our son as he drops the milk accidentally in the morning rather than yell at him. We are able to laugh at ourselves when we forget our keys for the millionth time.

One of my favorite things to do is laugh, I love the feeling of a good belly laugh or even a light-hearted chuckle. Today as I rode the treadmill at the gym I was watching someone walk through the gym and wasn't paying attention and nearly fell off the treadmill. After I righted myself I started laughing--as did the person next to me and we started up a conversation about the challenges of walking. Afterward the guy came up to me and said he appreciated our lighthearted conversation and the chance to laugh.

I realized that in this heavy time of a recession economy, war and uncertainty we need a little laughter. We need to look at the world through fresh eyes. Yes, there is trauma and grief and we need to express the appropriate pain and sorrow AND we need to express the every day joys and laughter that we miss. If we are living intentionally then we are aware that life isn't all sadness and gloom, there are days when everything goes wrong and those are the days we need to laugh the loudest. Laughter heals the soul, lifts our hearts and makes the world a better place. What have you laughed about today?

Negative Thinking--Blocking our Blessings

Yesterday I was talking with a client about the power of negative thinking. It is my belief that we use negative thinking as a way to self-protect. If we are struggling in a relationship we will 'prepare ourselves' for the worst by thinking negatively about the relationship: 'he won't call', 'she doesn't really love me', 'he will say no to my request'.

Rather than thinking positively: 'I am lucky to have this wonderful person in my life who cares for me', 'he might say no but that doesn't mean he doesn't care for me', 'this relationship might have its ups and downs but I am going to celebrate the ups as they happen.'

Or if we are wanting a new job we say to ourselves "I won't get a new job, I am not qualified, I don't interview well, they won't like me" rather than saying "I interviewed, I am qualified, I deserve this job and I did the best I could and will deal with whatever comes my way".

Somewhere in our ego minds we think that we can protect ourselves by being negative OR we are being too selfish if we think positively about something. Bottom line is that life is better when we think positively. If we think positively about a relationship and our partner and give it all the good energy we can muster--not only will the relationship feel better it will BE better. We miss the good stuff (the time our partner really listens to our story, when our partner empties the dishwasher without being asked, when we get positive feedback at work) because we are concentrating on the negative (our partner forgot to ask about a big presentation at work, our boss gave us some areas of improvement)

As with any great theory--it is easy to say 'think positive' but hard to practice. First step--awareness. Pay attention to your negative thoughts as you go through your day--Are you self protecting? Are you trying to be humble? or Do you really not like something? All are valid and all need to be brought to awareness.

How much of your life do you miss because you are negative? The truth is you may not get that job but why not enjoy the fact that the interview went well and you nailed it, or the interviewer complemented your tie.

As I said to my client, the relationship might not work out but why not enjoy the fact that right now it is--you enjoy spending time with this person and there might be things about him that drive you crazy but for now there are more positives--lets embrace those. Start paying attention to your negative thoughts--are they blocking out your blessings?

Letting Go of Guilt

Guilt fascinates me. It is such a powerful emotion yet it serves no purpose. When we feel guilty-we aren't helping anyone, we aren't accomplishing anything we aren't even processing through a legitimate emotion. We are just spinning our wheels. We justify actions (or non-actions) by feeling guilty about them.

For example, I have a client who wants to add working out into her life. About a month ago, she decided that morning was the best time to workout. So she set her alarm an hour earlier so she could get up and go for a walk. However she found that when her alarm would go off she would hit snooze and then lay in bed for maybe 20-30 minutes debating about getting up. During this time she would tell herself that she was 'fat and lazy' for not getting up and then after 40 minutes had passed she would tell herself that she didn't have time for a workout and would either lay in bed beating herself up and feeling guilty or she would fall in to a restless sleep.

I gave my client the assignment for 1 week that she had to embrace whatever it was she was doing. So if her alarm went off 60 minutes early she had to decide if she wanted to get up and workout or if she wanted to sleep in. The catch was she COULD NOT lay in bed and debate it, feeling guilty, she had to immediately make a decision, and then follow through. If she decided to work out she had to get up and work out if she decided to sleep then she had to REALLY sleep in and enjoy it. She couldn't just lay there as she has done in the past and spend the 60 minutes beating herself up for not working out. She either had to truly enjoy the 60 extra minutes of sleep or get up and workout.

She came back a week later and said that it was amazing how different her choices were. She was starting to learn to listen to herself and make intentional decisions. It wasn't that she got up every morning and worked out. Rather she paid attention to herself and when she needed more sleep she let herself sleep in for 60 extra minutes and when she wanted to workout but was just reluctant to do so she pulled herself out of bed and took a walk. She realized that her decisions became more deliberate and she started to let go of the guilt and the "shoulds". She started to live her life spending her time intentionally and not unconsciously. (Actually after a couple of weeks with this exercise she realized that the morning wasn't the best time for her to add a workout routine and she decided to add it in at lunchtime.)

So let's say that the kitchen needs to be cleaned but there is a good show on TV. You have to decide Do I want to clean the kitchen? Do I want to watch and enjoy the TV show? Do I want to record the TV show so I can watch it later? Because it is no longer an option to watch the TV show and not really enjoy it because you are feeling guilty for not cleaning the kitchen. Try it--I know it will make a big difference in your life!

Moving at a Slower Pace

One of the key parts of Intentional Living is paying attention to our bodies. What are we feeling? Where do we carry our emotions? Where do I feel joy or fear or anger--my back, my chest, my stomach?

As the 'darker' months of winter approach and we start losing more and more daylight hours I notice my body slowing down, I am forced inside more so I don't take my evening walks anymore or do afternoon yard work. Rather I notice I am sleeping longer, hanging on the couch more and longing for quiet relaxing moments rather than the energetic bursts I had throughout the summer months.

In the past, I would have belittled myself for this lack of energy, wondered what was wrong, made myself feel guilty and shamed for not doing enough or being productive. But after years of paying attention to my body I recognize--this is a natural shift for me--an organic progression into the next season one of rest and renewal where my body does shift into a desire of more comfort and care than in previous months.

The trick is to first pay attention to yourself and recognize these natural shifts and secondly to embrace them. On a Saturday when you body needs an extra hour of sleep because it is still dark out take that extra hour. When you crave time to just curl up on the couch and read a good book but the dirty dishes are calling your name--pick the book. Intentional Living means listening to our bodies and the natural rhythms they give us. The more we listen to and embrace our bodies messages the more joy we will experience on a daily basis.

Storytelling

Recently I was talking with a woman about dads (a little background on how we got on that subject--as we started talking her dad called and she answered it and their conversation reminded me of one of mine with my dad after she hung up I told her so) and she shared that her mom had just died a month ago. She shared (after I asked) that although her mom had been frail she died rather suddenly and her dad was now 'broken hearted'. What a sad story. The most amazing part was here she is sharing this story and was clearly having mixed emotions a. she needed to talk about it and b. she didn't want to burden a complete stranger--so common that we all are dealing with our own pain and burdens and frequently when we share our story with someone it sounds more like a news report or that we are talking about the weather then the fact that we are in major pain. It strikes me how rare it is to have people who REALLY listen to our stories without judgment or advice or wanting to share their story--just that concept of 'holding the space' for someone. Who do you have in your life how truly listens to your stories? Whose stories do you truly listen to?

Maximize the Joy Minimize the Pain

I was able to take 7 days out of my summer to drive across country. Just me and my rental Honda Accord. One of the things, I love about traveling is that it really expands my view. Having the ability just to chat with random strangers and see different areas takes me out of my day to day life and day to day problems. It makes me realize every person has a story, with worries and traumas and people they love and people they hurt and they are all trying to do the best they can with what they have (I love that phrase) and it certainly makes my problems and worries seem less gigantic. Because really we are all just trying to figure it out--trying to be good people and minimize the pain and maximize the joys of life.

Embrace the Fummer

I love this time of year--the strange time when summer the heat of summer is not quite over but the cold of winter isn't here yet either. It is too hot for sweaters during the day but too cold for shorts at night. It isn't quite summer and it isn't quite fall--it is in between--"fummer" if you will. It got me thinking about all the times throughout our lives when we are in a fummer--not quite one place or the other--we are simply on the road. Not quite in that perfect relationship, not quite figured out the job, not quite happy. We are in fummer--actually most of our lives we are in that in between place--we just don't realize it or embrace it. To often we are waiting for the next season or long for the past season. We are fantasizing about the snow or depressed because the days by the pool are gone. We aren't enjoying the fummer when it is sunny and bright during the day and cool enough to have the windows open at night. We are dreaming about when our job will be perfect and missing out on the fact that we had a great meeting this morning or received a compliment from a boss today. We lament 'the one that got away' rather than seeing the funny cute woman at the coffee shop who talks to us every time we are in there. We miss the fummer because we are too busy looking at our past or leaping into the future. Enjoy your fummer! It won't be here for long!!

Life Lessons

It always amazes me how life seems to present us with the same lessons over and over again in different forms until we really get it. Speaking your needs is one of those life lessons. It is an important part of living intentionally--if we don't speak our needs we don't let people see our authentic self. A friend of mine is learning this lesson--first he learned how to speak his needs with his family--how to stand up for himself and be genuine in how he lived his life. Then he had to learn how to do it with his boss in his workplace how to speak up when he needed more time for a project of more help with an assignment. And recently we were talking because the same lesson came to him with one of his friends. Here he thought he had learned the lesson--he had figured out how to speak his needs and live genuinely and then he noticed he wasn't doing that with some of his friends--he was hiding himself because he was scared of sharing his needs. "Wow he said to me--isn't it amazing that the same lessons come to us in a variety of different costumes" So true. It is our responsibility to keep an eye our for those costumes/situations and embrace the lessons they give us.

Welcome

In both my presentations and my private practice I am fascinated by the use of stories. The stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we tell each other. I believe stories play an invaluable role in life. Our stories define who we are, they help us express ourselves and they give us a common ground to understand each other. This blog is to share some of those stories. Stories from my own life and others that illustrate the struggle and joy we have in living a life with passion, purpose, balance and awareness. Please check back regularly and start paying attention and listening to the stories around you.