Put Down the Hammer

Lately a lot of people I know (including myself) have been going through periods of self-doubt and self-hatred.    In fact, two wonderful bloggers, Danielle LaPorte at White Hot Truth and Aidan Donnelley Rowley at Ivy League Insecurities have written about their own struggle with self hatred and not feeling good enough.  It was fascinating to realize that these 2 women who are accomplished, successful and living the dream struggle with moments of 'I am not good enough'.  What I find most interesting about self-doubt and 'feeling not good enough' is that it seems to happen to all of us--some of us more than others but at some point that dark cloud of self doubt creeps in and tell us that we just aren't enough.

It is my belief and I have written about it here frequently, that you are enough, period.  However, I have found that even though I believe that to be true, powers greater than me are out to subterfuge that belief.  As I have shared before, I still struggle with feelings of judgement against myself.

Somewhere in my psyche is the irrational belief that the more I hammer myself the more I will be motivated or the more I will succeed.  I admit at times I believe I am successful  because I am modest/humble and constantly remind myself how small I am.  Growing up many of us, especially women were given the message to stay humble, stay modest, don't brag etc.  And in our brains we got that confused with beat yourself up, keep yourself down.  The two are not linked in any way.  In no way does hammering myself on how much I don't live up unreal expectations match with keeping myself humble.  I can be a successful person, share my gifts with the world, be happy AND be humble and modest.  It is like I believe feeling not good enough is the price I have to pay for happiness or success. I even commented on Aidan's blog that maybe feeling not good enough is the yang to the ying of succeeding.

But today I am calling bullshit on that belief (pardon the harsh language but I think it is warranted). My beliefs of feeling not good enough and not worthy are not serving me in any way.  Somewhere I justified these feelings by saying they are all part of life's balance but in reality these beliefs do nothing but hurt me.  These beliefs don't serve us in any way, the don't make us better human beings, they don't make us happier and they don't allow us to give back to the world.

Today I am shedding light on my 'I am not good enough beliefs' I am going bring them out in the open and build some awareness around them.  I am going to put down the hammer and I challenge you to do the same.

The belief that these thoughts are serving us, keeping us modest, humble and nice is incorrect and the less we foster these thoughts the happier we will become.

Live Happier Tips from the Woods

Over the holidays, I went on a hiking trip with some friends.  When I say hiking I don't mean the traditional sense of walking on a path through the woods.  I mean hiking, forging a new path, sliding down hills, scaling rocks, jumping over creeks, crawling up hills, etc.  (The picture here is from the top of a rocky peak that we hiked up.)  This event was WAY out of my comfort zone.  While I was hiking through the woods, experiencing periods of utter joy and sheer exhaustion I figured out some lessons on living happier.

Relaxing Doesn't Always Mean Slowing Down: Sounds counter-intuitive, huh?  The friends who were leading the hike moved very fast so you had to keep up.  I struggled with this a lot until a friend of mine told me of a story of a guy who was talking to a wise shaman who was teaching him about the meaning of life.  One of the lessons was to run through the woods as fast as he could.  As the guy started running he realized the more he relaxed the easier it was to run without getting caught up on stuff and falling down.  As the pace got faster, my initial reaction was to move slower (and sometimes I did) but when I relaxed and went with my gut I was able to keep pace with the group.  In life, while it is necessary to take time off and disconnect.  We also need to learn how to relax while engaging and moving through life.  We need to connect with ourselves and our guts while we are keeping pace.

It Is Ok To Be Last:  For those of you who know me, I am pretty competitive especially with myself. I like to succeed so being last is a challenge for me.  I was the one bringing up the rear, struggling up the hill or scared to jump the creek.  But by the second day of being last I started relaxing into it.  It was kind of nice to let my competitive spirit go, to recognize I don't HAVE to be good at everything.  To see I had stuff to learn and places to grow and to get my ego in check.  In all honesty, it was humbling to see how far out of whack my ego had gotten and just how uncomfortable it was for me to struggle.  As I was walking I realized the challenge helps me feel alive, helps me grow and learn.  Frequently, in our lives we set it up so we don't have a lot of challenges, we get in our routines and we do the stuff we are good at.  When was the last time you really challenged yourself, learned something new and got out of your comfort zone?

Ask For Help No Matter How Hard.  I was also amazed how hard it was for me to ask for help.  In fact, I voiced that I didn't want help a number of times to my nearest and dearest on the hike. I wanted to figure it out on my own, so even if I was bringing up the rear I wanted to get there alone.  So my nearest and dearest stayed away, occasionally checking in but allowing me my struggle.  But those who didn't know me as well or just chose to ignore me stayed back and made sure I made it,  offering helpful (and I do mean HELPFUL) hints along the way.  At first I was annoyed, embarrassed really, that I needed so much help, I worried that I was holding them up, ruining their hiking experience, etc.  And then I became really appreciative.  I tend to be a lone ranger; asking for help, being vulnerable not my strong suit (but I keep spiraling up!!!) so this was a great lesson for me.  Once my ego stepped aside it felt good to get help, to have someone care enough to stay back and make sure I was ok.  Often times we would rather struggle alone then ask for help and open ourselves up to the vulnerabilities of being 'less than'.  When was the last time your stubbornness effected your ability to ask for help?

Enjoy the View.  The view was incredible.  Thank God I didn't miss it--I have included some pictures below, of the view.  Even though I was tired, achy, and struggling to fight my ego, I was still able to look around and enjoy the view.  And that, my friends is the point of life.  We struggle we get exhausted we beat up on ourselves and then we say 'wait a minute!' look at this view, look at my life, look at my blessings and we relax and smile.  That is living happier at its finest.

Missing the Boat.

As I have said in the past,  I am a big fan of stories. Here is one of my favorites:

There was a man who lived by the river in a small town, he had heard a warning on the radio that the town was going to flood and everyone needed to evacuate.  But the man stayed in his house knowing God would save him.  Soon a small boat rowed up and offered to help him, but he sent the man away, knowing God would save him.   Next, a helicopter flew by and offered to throw down a ladder, but the man again sent the helicopter away knowing God would save him.  Eventually the water overtook the man's house and he drowned.  When he got to heaven, he demanded an audience with God, he said to God "I believed, I waited, I thought you loved me, why didn't you save me?" God replied, I sent you a radio report, a boat and a guy in a helicopter, what the hell are you doing here?"

I tell this story not to have a debate on religion, but because I think it is applicable whether you are religious or not.  Because it illustrates well, how often we miss the opportunities in our lives because we are looking elsewhere.  We miss the little joys or even the big breaks because we are too busy looking ahead, or thinking what if or just sitting around doing nothing.  Life rarely works out the way we think it is going too and changes rarely happen in monumental shifts.  But all day every day there are small miracles happening, small little events that can dramatically effect our lives.  We may, like the man by the river, want a grand miracle or a giant gesture and so we miss the little tiny events that could cause giant shifts.  We miss the helpful hints, the words of encouragement, and the small signs of support.

So today pay attention to the little miracles and the small opportunities that are happening in your life.

Live Happier Tip: Celebrate You

One of my favorite blogs is called the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  She spent a year working improving her Happiness and then wrote a book about it, which is coming out next week.

Her first tip, for her Happiness  Project is 'Be Gretchen'.  All of her tips are wonderful, but hands down this is my favorite tip.  I love that idea and frequently encourage my clients to follow their gut, go with their instincts and not worry about what everyone else thinks.  Be genuine.  The problem I have found with many of my clients the concept of listening to yourself is totally foreign.  Many of my clients have no idea what they value, enjoy, or need. If given a day to do whatever they want, a day of play, they would have no idea how to spend their time.  They have lost themselves in their many roles of parent, partner, friend, son/daughter.  There is a loss of 'who am I and what do I want out of my life'.

I believe that being genuine, being yourself and striving to listen to your own inner voice above those around you will help you live happier.  We get caught in the trap of trying to fill a role, be the best, and we lose ourselves. We become trapped in self judgment and the inner critic tends to take over. When we are acting from a place of genuine care, being true to ourselves, our world becomes more open and we become more relaxed.  Our interactions are more meaningful because we aren't always thinking about what to say or how to say it:  we are just being ourselves.

So in the quest to be you and live happier.  Today ask yourself these questions:

• What 5 traits do I love about myself? 

• What activities do I love to do? (maybe you haven't done them in awhile--maybe you will have to think back to high school/college to come up with them)

• What are 5 things that I might have lost about myself that I use to really like? (e.g. listening to music, dancing, reading, deep conversations, hanging with friends)

• What are my unique gift(s) to the world?  (this is a BIG one I know--but what is it you offer to the world that no one else does--maybe it is that you make the best pumpkin pie, or you tell the best stories, or you listen better then anyone you know--be creative)

These questions are just the start.  We are all wonderful, individuals with unique gifts and talents.  Today have some curiosity around your uniqueness and start sharing it with the world.  As we begin to celebrate ourselves we can start living from a place of genuine strength.  So today celebrate you.  Be your fabulously, wonderful, unique, talented self and share it with the world!!!

Not all Running is Good for You.

So in the spirit of confessing:  I admit over the past few days I have been in a bit of a mood.  I have been overly anxious and a bit grouchy, many of my 'go to' things weren't working. The activities that normally 'fill up my bucket' weren't helping me improve my mood.

Then I realized I was in run mode--Ah run mode--fortunately these days it is something that doesn't rear it's head very often.  For years, it was my standard way of living.  I would always be in run mode.  What is run mode you are asking?  Run mode is when you have something big in your life, that you aren't facing.  Maybe it is a big stressor or sadness, maybe it is a conflict or a fear.  It can be something quite small--but your mind convinces yourself that it is HUGE and you need to run.  So you run from thing to thing--you run from activity to activity looking for something to fill the hole to fill the anxiety that has been created by this stressor.  Some signs of run mode for me are: nothing satisfies me, tendency to be extremely anxious and critical (of self and others), and a fear of being alone so I book myself up with activities.  The point is I run from myself so I can focus on running and anxiety and not on the stressor. Sometimes if you are really good at it (like I was) you can put your stressor energy onto something completely unrelated like your relationship, children, friends.  So you might start a fight with a partner because you know it is 'safe' and you can put all your stress energy on to that fight.

The KEY is to face the fear, anger, conflict, sadness not to run from it.  The first key is to notice that you are in run mode at all.  For example, yesterday as I was driving home and realized I had an entire evening of no plans, I went into a cold sweat.  Because I usually look forward to an evening of no plans, I had an immediate awareness that something was wrong and I realized 'hey I am in run mode'.  I came home and started journaling and eventually came to what was REALLY going on.  At first you might not catch yourself in run mode until days later, or it will be 1 day later and then it will be in the moment. The goal is to catch yourself before you do too much collateral damage.

Once you catch yourself in run mode then the goal is to figure out what is REALLY stressing you, what is the source:  a conflict, anger, sadness.  To do this it is helpful to get quiet with yourself, to journal, take a walk or talk to a friend.  In essence, the goal is to do the opposite of what you really want to do:  stop running and face yourself.  But the beauty is once you stop running and face the issue it becomes much less powerful.  Once you express the emotions you have been running from (e.g. cry, scream, yell, etc) you will wonder why you have spent all that time running.

This is a powerful and challenging process. Like I said I have been working on this issue for years--spiraling up.  It is one of those that we need to stay aware of.  Much of the every day anxiety we feel is because we are in run mode--we are trying to avoid something that might be negative so we create anxiety around other things to keep the stress/conflict at bay.  It might feel counter-intuitive but we actually Live Happier when we are able to face our emotions and not default to run mode.  What are your run mode symptoms?  What tends to be your trigger for run mode (conflict, anger, sadness)?

Taking Care of the Little One

In the self help world a lot is written about 'healing the inner child'. The basic theory being that we all have a little boy/girl inside of us who occasionally comes out even when we are adults. The self help world has taken the theory and run with it in a negative light. Rather than being an interesting theory that we can use to grow and change, it has become a method to explain away negative behavior and turned in to a hokey self help concept.  (ok, now stepping down from my soap box)

I am a fan of the basic concept of the inner child.  I do believe that my Little One comes out from time to time, she gets scared and insecure and even throws temper tantrums.  Frequently, this Little One comes out to 'play' when we are triggered by something, a scary event, a family gathering, a death or something that takes us back to our early years. When I notice that I am being overly insecure or scared about an event I will simply put my hands over my heart and say to my Little One 'you know what?  I got this'.  'You don't need to worry about it I am an adult and I can handle this one. Immediately it feels as if I have taken a giant sigh of relief.  It is a good exercise because A. It brings awareness around the fear B. it reminds me that 'hey I am an adult here and I CAN handle this situation C. it quiets the inner insecurities.

Last year, I was working with Jill* who was going through a divorce.  After 20 years of marriage her husband decided he was done and had found someone else. Jill was left with 3 children and no idea who she was or what came next.  Jill and I did a lot of work helping her figure out what she needed and who she was.  As Jill was going through all these changes and making a lot of decisions she never had to make before, her Little One would come out frequently.  She started paying attention to her Little One, noticing when she would come out (usually after a conversation with her ex or when she had to take charge of a situation).  Gradually she started talking to her Little One in a gentle way and as Jill developed her own confidence in her decisions and skills her Little One became less and less powerful.  Jill said to me "I think I have been living most of my life letting Little Jill make the decisions from a place of an 8 year old rather than Adult Jill"  I agreed with her and I think many of us let our Little One (our insecurities, our fears, our anger) control our lives.

The next time you start feeling scared or insecure do a check in with yourself--has your Little One come out to play? Are you viewing the world from the eyes of a 6 year old?  And if the answer is yes, place your hands on your heart and gradually start talking to your Little One--and assuring them all is well---you got this--you are a grown up.   Our Little Ones are there for a reason to help us see that life is scary and we do have insecurities. And it is our role as adults to comfort the Little One and then move through the fear so we can Live Happier.

*names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality

Live Happier Tip: Move your Body

Yes, we are back to basics this week for the Live Happier Tip: Move your Body.  Before you freak out about lack of time, no money to join a gym etc.  I am not talking about engaging in a 2 hour daily workout (if you enjoy that and want to do that I say Rock On!-but it's not for everyone) I am just saying move your body (stretch, dance, walk) .  One of the keys to Living Happier is to have some awareness below the neck.  One of the best ways to do that is to move your body.

I am a big fan of exercise in general, it decreases my anxiety, it makes me more aware of my body, it strengthens my muscles and keeps my heart healthy.  But I recognize that not everyone has the time, or the desire to hit the gym or the treadmill every day.  I am all about being rational and practical and working with what you have.  Maybe working out every day is unrealistic but you can still move your body.  You can add little rituals into your day that allow you to increase awareness in your body.  Body awareness allows us to feel when we are stressed, tired, anxious, etc.

Ritual examples include:

• Take 5 minutes to stretch every morning when you get out of bed or before you hop in the shower. 
• Put on some good dance music and dance while you do chores (e.g. cook dinner, do laundry, wash dishes, clean the house)
• Do some simple stretches each time you sit at your desk
• Take a walk around your office building during lunch
• Take a walk around your block after you eat dinner
• Park in the furthest spot possible and walk to the store.
• Take the stairs instead of the elevator
• While you are watching TV do some stretches during the commercials if you are really motivated do sit-ups or push-ups.

Each of these take 5 minutes and are simple ways to add movement into your day.  As you begin to be more aware of your body you become more aware of what your bodies needs.  Maybe your back is tight and you realize you need to stretch more or you need a massage.  Maybe your legs hurt and you realize you need new shoes.  The point is moving our body is good for our health both mentally and physically. So this week add a little body movement into your day and I promise it will help you Live Happier.

Embrace the Mess--Holding Both

As I have moved through my journey of Living Happier the biggest (and at times, hardest) lesson I have learned is life isn't black and white.  Life is a big, colorful mess.  Life is full of emotions, thoughts and needs few of which we can put neatly in a box or precisely label.  In fact sometimes, two opposite extremes are usually true: you love your partner AND you are frustrated by him/her.  You are supportive of your child in playing a sport AND you are worried for his/her safety. You like your job AND you are having a bad day.  You are sad your parents are getting older AND you enjoy every moment you spend with them. We have opposite extremes all the time--a friend of mine calls it 'holding both'.  We are holding two extremes of being happy and sad or frustrated and thankful.  

I believe a secret to Living Happier is to embrace the mess that is life.  When we embrace the concept of 'holding both' we can fully experience life.  I have a client (Sara*) who recently lost her mother to cancer.  When she first came into see me her mother had just been diagnosed.  Throughout the process of her mom's death which was relatively quick I encouraged her to hold both--to express her sadness around losing her mom and to feel the gratitude of the moments when she and her mom laughed and shared.  After her  mom had died, Sara said that if she hadn't had the concept of holding both she would have missed many special moments with her mom.

Examples of holding both, happen all the time in our day to day lives: being frustrated at a co-worker and understanding why they messed up, being sad about a loss of a job and relieved that you didn't get it, being angry at your partner and sympathetic at the same time.  Frequently we try to squelch one of the feelings because it doesn't fit into a black and white world or it isn't logical.  Well, my friend, life is not logical.  Life is messy, full of contrasts and conflicts, it is rich with color. Be curious and supportive of all your emotions, all the many colors you experience in your life!  Embrace the mess and Live Happier!

*names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality

Live Happier Tip: My Dogs Turn

Last week I did the Ode to my Cat Pooh--so this week in keeping with the theme I thought I would share some Live Happier Tips I have learned from my dog, Mocha. First off I have to say Mocha is a new wondeful addition to my life.  I have always been a cat person--for years (13 actually) it was just me and my cat (minus the brief 10 day stint with a dog that didn't work out--VERY long story).  Then this past April, I decided to do scope out the dog shelters 'mix and mingle' event.  Even though I swore I was just looking, the friend that went with me knew I would be walking home with a dog that day. Fortunately I did, I came home with the perfect dog for me.  She is super chill and gentle and makes me laugh on a daily basis.  I have learned a lot about living happier from my dog and today I share her tips.

Take time to Watch the World.  Mocha LOVES to be outside.  She sits on the back porch for hours watching the squirrels and taking in 'her domain'. Sometimes I just love watching her looking so happy and content. She reminds me that joy comes in the little things and I just need to take the time to sit and watch the world.

Curiosity.  Mocha and I take at least one sometimes two walks a day.  I love walking with her because she greets our neighborhood with such curiosity.  Every time she walks out of the house she acts as if it was the first time.  She runs down the walk with great amazement and wonder.  As I walk with her I am reminded to look around, to have some curiosity about both my external and my internal world.

Greet Everyone with Enthusiasm.  One of my favorite parts of coming home is the Mocha greeting.  Whether I am gone for 5 minutes or 5 hours the greeting is always enthusiastic.  It makes me feel loved and appreciated.  After a long day it is fabulous to walk out of the garage and receive a gigantic 'welcome home--where have you been?" smile.  Her enthusiasm reminds me that I need to give the people in my life that kind of warm greeting.  I need to be showing those I love how much they mean to me on daily basis.

Play with Abandonment.  Every day I find myself in my back yard talking in a silly voice running around like a crazy woman and playing with Mocha. She has taught me the joy in playing.  For those 5-10 minutes it is just fun to be running around watching her play with such joy.  She reminds me that life maybe hard and challenging but the joy comes in the play.  Looking and sounding like a fool is worth it when you are also laughing so hard your belly hurts.

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Just a reminder that tonight from 6-7:30pm (Wednesday) is the Strong Woman Strong Relationship Seminar at Easton Lifetime Fitness--hope to see you there!!

Holding the Space

One of my favorite phrases is 'holding the space'. To me this phrase encompasses much of what it means to Live Happier.  When we hold the space for someone we are just present, listening, and validating.  We aren't judging, giving advice or offering a solution.  We are just there holding their pain, their anguish, their joy, their space.  It is my belief when we hold the space for other people our relationships become more rich and full.  We get to know our partners, our friends on a whole different level because rather then the conversation being about US it becomes about THEM.  I know that people come to insights and change more quickly when we give them the space to do so rather than piling on our adgenda, thoughts or advice. The number one thing we all need is validation--a 'yes this is hard and you will get through this', or 'rock on that was an awesome accomplishment', or 'you have every right to be sad, angry hurt'.  We don't need to hear, 'move on', 'get over it', 'you don't need to cry'.

I learned this lesson many years ago when I was in a bad relationship.  You know one of those relationships where when it is good it is REALLY good and when it is bad it is REALLY bad--and it was honestly only good about 30% of the time.  I knew it wasn't a good relationship and I knew eventually I would get out of it--but I wasn't quite ready yet.  The friends who said to me, 'move on', 'he is a jerk get over it', were the friends I quit talking to about it.  The friends who said 'I love you and care for you and while I don't understand why you feel the need to stick with him, I will be with you while you do it' were the ones who saw me through it. They were the friends who I could talk to and process with and because of them I moved through the bad relationship much faster and learned a valuable life lesson in the process.  The lesson of just holding the space.

When we offer people our agenda, our advice we aren't allowing them their space, their process, their timeframe.  So the gift comes, in the challenge and the support--in saying 'I love you and I don't like seeing you hurting'.  In Holding the Space.

To the same degree we need to learn how to hold the space with ourselves.  To be present to ourselves, to listen and validate what our bodies, thoughts emotions are telling us.  Unfortunately we tend to be our own worst critic, consistently giving ourselves advice or criticism.

So my challenge for you today is to go out into the world and support, validate and hold the space of  both yourself and the people around you.  Just offer your genuine caring. Be present to yourself and those you love. I promise it will help you life happier!

Live Happier Tip: Lessons Learned from My Cat

The other day I was watching my cat, Pooh and I realized--she has the life!  Talk about knowing how to Live Happier!  I was thinking if she knew how to talk, or if I knew how to understand her, I bet she would have some fabulous tips for us on how to Live Happier. So I decided to do a post--an ode to Pooh if you will (don't worry--soon I will be doing an Ode to Mocha my dog).

Pooh's Live Happier Tips:

Speak your needs.   Pooh is not very vocal (one of her finer features I might add) so when she cries it is usually because she needs something.  The two basics are love or food.  I know when she has a need and she has no problems expressing it.  Pooh is not going to sit quietly by while I forget to pet her or feed her--she will let it be known that she is NOT happy whether it be 3am or 3pm.  Pooh has developed the perfect balance--she is neither too needy nor a victim to her life she just speaks her need, and therefore it gets met.

Take care of the basics: eat, sleep, stay clean.  I think my cat would definitely say, keep it simple stupid. The key is in the basics.

Cuddling makes you feel better. Wherever there is a lap Pooh is laying on it.  She immediately knows when I have laid down to take a nap, or when I have sat down to watch TV, even when I am sitting working on my computer.  She has taught me that nothing is as healing as cuddling up and touching a living thing.  She always senses when I am sick or sad and she is there silently letting me know that cuddling heals all wounds.  It is true, we could all use a little more cuddle.

Sometimes you just need to hide. Every now and then Pooh will go into hiding--I will find her in a closet, under the bed or burrowed under the covers.  She has taught me that occasionally you need to shut out the world, cover up and do a little reconnecting with self.  She isn't ashamed or embarrassed or the least bit apologetic when I find her--if anything she is annoyed that I have interrupted her much needed regrouping time.

Be brave from time to time. I live in a house divided--my cat lives upstairs and my dog lives downstairs. This is mostly by Pooh's design.  She is very scared of Mocha.  However, occasionally she will branch out, make her way down the steps and creep across the living room floor for some cuddle time.  I never quite know what inspires this stealth maneuver--but it happens.  Each time it does I am so proud of her.  She is branching out.  Another great lesson, showing the importance of being brave--there is a time to hide and there is a time to branch.

End Fat Talk Week

This week, October 19th-23rd is National End Fat Talk Week sponsored by the Delta Delta Delta Fraternity.   Unfortunately today is the last day of the End Fat Talk week so I am a little late in my publicity.  But in my opinion we need to make it the End Fat Talk millennium! 

Fat Talk is something that is prevalent in our society. I see it with my female clients, my friends, my family.  We as women have normalized this awful practice of constantly discussing our weight.  How am I going to lose weight? How much weight do I need to lose? What can I do to lose weight?  We describe in detail what we ate, what we shouldn't have eaten, how big our thighs are, etc. 

Keeping in mind the you are enough period theory--this constant fat talk only serves to hurt us as women. To belittle us, make us feel less than and tear bit by bit at our self esteem.  In sum, Fat Talk does not help us, it doesn't make us physically healthier, spiritually more fulfilled or help us live happier.  It merely tears us down.  With all that is going on in our very full lives, children, relationships, global warming, world peace, why are we spending all of our time talking about a subject that serves to destroy our self esteem??

And here before all of you I admit I am guilty of Fat Talk.  This year I decided to build my awareness around how much I engage in Fat Talk and tried to make an effort to stop it. Quite honestly, I have been amazed how much we as women do engage in Fat Talk, at the gym, over coffee, during dinner, at parties, at work, pretty much everywhere.  While I have passively stopped talking about it, I have not been consistent about it. I haven't changed the topic or encouraged my friends to stop talking about it.  So starting today Friday October 23rd, 2009 I pledge to stop engaging, supporting or listening to Fat Talk. I encourage you to join me in this pledge. I know it will help us Live Happier. 

Thanks to the Delta Delta Delta Fraternity for their wonderful website and bringing this important topic to our attention!!!

You are enough. Period

One of my favorite life lessons (and I admit one I am spiraling up on) is the lesson:  I am enough PERIOD!  Not when I am skinny or when I get all A's or when I get married or when I can buy a house or when I am CEO or fill in the blank.  Right now--as you are you are enough. As one of my greatest mentors, Annette Franks would say "you are worthy, lovable, valuable."  Such a lesson: we are unconditionally lovable.  One of my favorite homework assignments is to write these words down and hand them to a client, instructing them to post them near their bed so when they wake up in the morning they see these words, repeat them to themselves and breathe it in.  Breathe in the truth. Inevitably, when I say these words to a client they will not hear me "yeah, yeah" is the general response.  But when I get out of my chair, go to my desk and write the words down in my big sloppy handwriting and hand them to my clients--they get tears in their eyes.  I kid you not, EVERY client I have done this with has gotten teary.  Sometimes I will ask (depending on the client) where the tears come from. Consistently, they will say to me: no one ever said that to me.  Now whether no one has said that to them or whether then never really HEARD it is up for debate.  The point is--it is new information to them.

As it was new to me when I went in to therapy broken, defeated wondering--what the hell am I doing with my life!  And to be honest, I grew up in a pretty fabulous household.  Parents who are still happily married who regularly showed their support and love.  Two older brothers who served as great role models and were typical big brothers.  I had attended a good college, had a decent job, good friendships but I still wondered what was the point. I still woke up at night wondering why am I so unhappy?  Finally I found a good therapist (something even I will admit is a challenge) and she wrote down those words: You are lovable, valuable, worthy period. And I too got teary.  Talk about a wow moment!  That moment changed my life.  I still have the ratty old piece of paper and as I spiral up through that lesson I still look at it.  I don't know why I never heard that message--not saying it wasn't ever said to me--but it didn't sink in.  That piece of the paper was the beginning of me finding self love and recognizing it didn't matter how successful or driven I was--my happiness came from the inside.  I had to love myself to find what was missing.

Hands down the biggest gift we can give ourselves and the world is the regular practice of breathing in the belief I am enough.  When we start giving that gift to ourselves we can then give it to our children and our loved ones.  The gift of letting them know--yep we all make mistakes, we all mess up but at the end of the day--you are valuable, lovable, worthy period.  You are enough just because you are here breathing.  It is powerful, life changing and a definite key to living happier.

Live Happier Tip: View Your Life as a Visitor

This weekend I joined two of my favorite people, my mom and my aunt on a 24 hour marathon trip to attend my cousins baby shower.   I am a big fan of travel.  I love travel because it breaks up the routine and allow me to get a new perspective.  I had a client, who deals with anxiety, explain why she loves traveling.  She said "I love traveling because it is the only time when I don't have to think about my 'to-do' list because I traveling is one giant to-do: TRAVEL.  That is all you have to do, just travel. "

Every now and then a client will say something that just blows me away--that was a reason why I liked traveling too!  Traveling allows you to just pay attention to the small stuff--you aren't worried about the to-do list you are thinking about where to eat your next meal, what the scenery looks like, what your travel companions are saying.  You are looking at the little things.  The secret is in the little things.  For me traveling allows me to see the world with wonder and amazement--but what if I brought that wonder home to my own house.  What if I treated my next meal the way I treat eating while traveling.  Rather than thinking of it as a to-do what if I thought of the most delectable healthy thing I could eat.  What if I observed the leaves changing in my town as much as I did on the east coast?  What if I listened to my friends and aquaintances as much as I listened to my mom and aunt?  What if I became more concentrated on the little things and less about the to-do list.

So when I got home yesterday I decided to try it--to look at my life through the eyes of a visitor.  I looked at my house as I did the bed and breakfast--with new eyes of fascination and appreciation. I ate my meal with excitement and savor. I read my book with full attention and was able to put aside my list of to-dos. And today I relaxed my to-do list mind and greeted the day with wonder and adventure.  I still accomplished a lot but it was less about checking off the to-do and more about the experience.

I will always love travel because it does shake up the normal routine and allows me to see new places.  However it is helpful every now and then to look at your life as if it were some new destination.  To greet the day with wonder and adventure rather than a long list of to-dos. I challenge you to the experiment of viewing your life as a visitor and tell me what you learned.

Life Lessons: the Spiral Up Effect

Life lessons are such a blessing and such a challenge. Sometimes the lesson is simple and sometimes it takes us years to master it. The one thing about life lessons we keep learning more and more until we have them mastered. I love the concept that I call spiraling up.  Spiraling up means we might come back to the lesson and it might FEEL like we are re-learning the same lesson but really we are experiencing it at a new level with a new insight, a new situation, a new challenge.  And then when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.

A client of mine came into see me after her divorce.  She was run down and depleted. In her marriage, she had completely lost herself and had no sense of self and now post marriage she wanted to makes some changes.  We worked together on figuring out what mattered to her, setting boundaries, saying no and developing a strong sense of who she was. She in essence started learning the life lesson: In order to take care of yourself you need to set firm boundaries.   Then she entered a new relationship, and this was a new test.  She had figured out how to set boundaries with friends/acquaintances but this was the next level: a significant relationship.  A few months in to the relationship she came back to see me.  She was very frustrated with herself because she was really struggling with telling him no, not losing herself, keeping her own life, setting boundaries etc.  She said "I thought I had this lesson and now I am re-learning EVERYTHING" and then I reminded her no you are just spiraling up--hitting the lesson at the next level.  Now you have all that you learned before and you are learning how to implement it at THIS level it is a whole new place.  You aren't re-learning you are learning more.  With this new perspective she was able to relax a bit and remember that she knew how to set boundaries, she knew who she was and she wasn't the same woman who had married her first husband.  She just needed to apply that knowledge to this new relationship.  With a little work I am pleased to report it worked!

When you think about life lessons as spiraling up it gives a new perspective.  While we do repeat  lessons, we don't unlearn all we have implemented before.  We repeat the lesson one step up with new perspective, new challenges and new information that we didn't have the last time the lesson came into our lives.  So the next time you have a sense of deja vu when it comes to a life lesson remind yourself you are just spiraling up.

WOW Moments

There is a lot of talk about living in the present moment, staying grounded, being aware etc.  As you know from reading my blog I am a big fan of awareness myself--and believe it is the foundation of any major change.  I am also a big believer that becoming present or aware is a process--one that takes time.  Unfortunately it isn't something where we just decide--today I am going to be aware and not worry about my future or obsess about my past and poof it happens!  I believe that living in the present moment is a continuum and it starts with wow moments.

Unfortunately most of us are walking around totally cut off from our bodies--we are living in our heads all the time--obsessing about our to do list or 'what iffing' about our future we aren't really paying attention to what is happening around us or what we are thinking, feeling or needing.

Every now and then we have a wow moment--a moment that really stands out and hits you like a Mack Truck.  These moments really speak to your soul.  They can consist of a beautiful sunset, a holiday event, having an anniversary, being on vacation etc.  These moments are out of our 'normal world'.  So even if we are living in our heads most of the time when we experience a wow moment we become grounded in the present and are able to drop down into our bodies.  During these wow moments time tends to stand still we can describe in detail what it looks like, smells like, feels like. We are completely present.

For example, I can remember in 7th grade--my mom sent me balloons for my birthday.  A huge boutique of balloons that I can picture in detail, I can remember where I sat in class when I got them and having them tied to the back of my chair, I can remember walking through the halls carrying my balloons. I can remember how special I felt to have received balloons from my mom.  That was a wow moment for me.  It sticks with me even decades later.

So pay attention to your life and think about what are the wow moments? What are the moments that really stand out for me, where I was really present to what was happening?  What did they feel like? Describe them, re-live them.  The more we pay attention to our wow moments--the more we know what it feels like to be in the present moment--the more we can practice getting out of our heads and being present to our worlds.

The beauty is that as we become more aware of our present and the 'moments' in our life--we will notice these wow moments happen all the time:  As you are reading your child a bed time story, when a friend calls you with good news, enjoying a cup of coffee, having a really good conversation with a friend, taking a walk on a crisp autumn morning, when your partner comes home and gives you a hug, when a co-worker gives you a compliment.

So enjoy your wow moments and pay attention to how often they happen this week.  Because as we look for wow moments in our day to day life our worlds open up and become much more vibrant and colorful.  Noticing these moments will help you live happier.

I'll Be Happy When Syndrome

It is a common struggle to say to ourselves "I will be happy when (fill in the blank)", when the kids sleep through the night, when I am in a relationship, when I lose 30 lbs, when I have a baby, when I own a house, when I love my job, when I retire, when I am on vacation.  The list can go on and on and on.  I often make the joke that when you are single every one asks when are you going to find someone--once you find that special someone the question is when are you getting married--and then when are you having a child and then when are you going to have another.  It is a dangerous trap to always be looking to the future for happiness.  The temptation to plan for the future is all around us.  If we aren't happy now then there is always the future.

It is my belief as with everything in the world--it is about balance.  Balancing being in the now--enjoying the change of seasons and the fact that as I write this post my dog is curled up next to me on her cozy fresh out of the laundry warm bed--but also planning ahead for the future, making marketing plans or thinking about where I want to be in 5 years.  Both of those are important.  It is important to have dreams and look towards the future but not at the expense of the present.  Frequently clients come in to my office so focused on what they don't have and stuck in 'all be happy when' syndrome that they miss their children growing or the joy they get from their friends or the happiness they find in their job.  One of my first roles as a therapist is to help someone engage in their present while making the necessary changes for their future. I admit sometimes we have to really LOOK to find the joys in our lives and sometimes they are pretty small.  I guarantee they are out there.  Even if it is noticing the change of seasons, enjoying a good cup of coffee, laughing with a friend, smiling at your children.  Small joys are everywhere and pull us out of the "I'll be Happy When Syndrome".

The ironic thing is many time when the "When" happens it brings other problems.  When we find a relationship we have to learn how to be in relationship when we have a child we have to learn how to raise a child, when we get the dream job we have to learn how to do it.  Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet in life there is no magical "When".  We won't necessarily be happier WHEN something happens.  So the key is to be striving for our future have goals/have purpose AND enjoy your present.  Don't miss out on the joys and happiness you have right now in your search for the "When".  Live Happier Now.

Behold the Power of Drama

Ah Drama! If I did a poll of 100 people--98% of them would say they strongly dislike drama. So why does it still exist? Why do we get caught up in our friends drama, or even from time to time manufacture our own? You know what I mean, when we start obsessing about an innocent conversation we had with our partner and by the end of the day have turned it into a major issue, or we listen to our friend go on and on about a 'look' their boss gave them and how that look means they are going to get fired!

As much as it is annoying and we claim to hate it drama is so easy to get trapped in. It is like the Hoover vacuum of communication before you know it you are sucked in.

So what is it's appeal, you ask? Drama gives us something exciting to talk about (albeit most of the time it is totally fabricated) and similar to TV or a movie it allows us to disengage from the reality of our lives and focus on the production in our heads.

However we can't stay in this imaginary world--so really all drama does is increase our anxiety about an event that isn't really happening and disengages us from the events in our life that DO need our attention. For example, a client of mine recently realized that rather than deal with her father's recent life altering health diagnosis she was making up drama with her partner. So in essence rather than dealing with her father's health and the anxiety that comes with that in a healthy way (e.g. talking to friends and family, meditation, exercise) she was disengaging and channeling her anxiety into picking fights and making up issues with her partner.

By avoiding drama we can start engaging in the reality of our lives and start facing real issues: dealing with our anxiety, looking at the areas that need our attention, loving our friends and family and being grateful for the fabulous parts of our lives.

So my challenge to you in the next week--just notice when you get stuck in the drama and have some curiosity about why it is appealing to you and what areas of your life might you be trying to avoid?

The power of breathing

One thing I always encourage my clients to do is breathe. Yes--I know it is something we do naturally. But how often do you really pay attention to your breath? Really take a big belly breath where you fill your lungs to full capacity?!?! I am constantly amazed that the practice of pausing and taking 3 deep belly breaths can dramatically change my demeanor--It can take me from a level 10 stress down to a level 3--it can help me feel more centered and aware.

Frequently the idea to take 3 deep breaths is completely foreign to us. One of the best ways I have found to increase awareness around my breath is to add a breathing ritual into my day. Rituals help me become more aware of when I need to breathe. I encourage my clients to take 3 deep breaths whenever they are at a stop sign, or whenever they sit down at their desk, or before they walk in the door to their house. By having specific times of the day when you take 3 deep breaths who become more aware of how your body is feeling--then you will notice more readily when you need to take deep breaths throughout the day. Try it--I promise it will make a difference in decreasing your anxiety and helping you live happier.

This stuff is HARD

Lately I have been struggling with the self help industry--the number of books and blogs and e-books that are out there to help us figure out how to feel better about ourselves/our lives/our relationships/our careers. It is incredible to me the sheer number of 'stuff' that is out there. I use to be a self help fanatic--thinking maybe if I bought THIS book or downloaded THIS pamphlet I would finally get control of my life and feel better. Finally I realized the books weren't going to help--yes they have good techniques and insights, but the bottom line is--this stuff is hard. Learning, growing, changing. trying to be a better person--all very hard!! It is hard to live in the present, be aware of your negative thoughts, engage in deep breathing, communicate your needs and push through your fear--all while eating healthy, doing some type of work out and just plan living your life!!! But I know when I try when I get up each morning and just TRY to implement one or two things I feel better--I am happier when I am intentional about my life--when I catch myself 'what ifing' or when I notice the beat down I am giving myself because I haven't accomplished what I thought I would. Do I do this every minute of every day? No way--do I do it most days, yes.

I guess I just needed to admit as someone who works in the 'self help' arena--there is no magic way to find happiness no magic 10 steps or magic book or magic pill for that matter. There is just honest to goodness struggle--being honest with ourselves and our significant others. Being aware of ourselves as we move through life and having genuine non-judgmental curiosity about ourselves and our friends/partners. There will be days when we hit the mark when we are present and centered and living all the self help principles. There will be days when we miss the mark completely--when we question if we have learned anything in this process. It is those days when we have learned the same life lesson for the 5th time and we wonder if we are really making any progress at all that we need to put away the baseball bat that we use to beat ourselves with and recognize this stuff is HARD and tomorrow is another day.

When life gets tough and you fall into bed exhausted give yourself a break and remember: Life is a process and we are all doing the best we can with what we know right now.