The Power of the Should.

Should.  It is such a powerful word.  The statement 'don't should all over yourself' is one that is pervasive in the self-help/therapy community. Yet these shoulds come out all the time.  I should clean the house, I should be playing with my daughter, I shouldn't watch TV, I shouldn't eat this pizza, I should be a better listener, I should be more social, I should be less social, I should work out more and on and on and on.  Ad infinitum, these shoulds invade our psyche.

The problem with shoulds,  is they disguise themselves as helpful, when in reality they are merely forcing us to do something outside of ourselves. They are forcing us to be externally controlled.  Usually the voice of the should is from someone we know from our past, a parent, a teacher a personal trainer, or a therapist. It is rare that the voice of a should is our own. Also, these shoulds tend to snowball.  From one should, "I should workout", comes a giant slalom of hammering that ends up with me being the world's unhealthiest women, who is homebound and miserable.

So the secret is to break down the should.  First step is to start bringing awareness to how much you say the word should.  For me, it tends to break into my psyche more when I am feeling tired, insecure, and disconnected from myself.  In short, the shoulds come out to play when I am running on auto-pilot.  When I catch myself acting out a should, I notice I am half-hearted, not as engaged in the activity because I am doing it out of an external control. When I engage in a should activity, I usually end up feeling resentful and bitter.  So if we can catch ourselves in a should before it starts snowballing we can start to develop other ideas for how to handle the should.

For example, you are busy with a deadline at work and you realize it is your night to make dinner.  You tell yourself you SHOULD go home and make a healthy dinner but really you want to pick up pizza and call it a night.  Maybe it would be the 3rd night in a row that your family has eaten take out so they really SHOULD have a healthy meal, after all your mom cooked you a healthy meal every night of the week, that's what you get for working from home, you are such a bad mom and now we are off to the races, hammer, hammer, hammer.  All from one little should, one little meal that you are too tired to cook and suddenly you are the worlds worst human being.  First off be aware you are shoulding--you know what you SHOULD do but what do you want to do,  you want to order pizza, but your kids deserve a healthy meal.  So you start thinking of compromises; you can get a pizza and make a healthy vegetable to go with it, you can pick up take out that is healthier than pizza, you can leave work early and cook a good dinner because in reality it would be nice to cook a meal for a change and you have a new recipe, you can just order the pizza and recognize that tomorrow is another day and maybe your kids didn't get the healthiest meal today but tomorrow you will pack them a healthy lunch.

In my mind there are three negatives to SHOULDs:
1. They put us in black and white thinking and remove any alternatives.
2. They force us to be controlled by something outside of ourselves.
3. They snowball and can become evil tools for us to hammer ourselves.

So, the next time you catch yourself 'shoulding':
1. Remind yourself that it is coming from something external.
2. Give yourself some options around the should.
3. Ground yourself and decide which option makes the most sense for your current circumstances.
4. Let it go. (I admit this one is the hardest part.) But the more you practice it the happier you will be.

Giving Yourself the Pause.

This weekend I was able to spend hear one of my favorite speakers, Tara Brach--she wrote the book entitled Radical Acceptance one of my favorite books of all time.

Something you hear me talk a lot about is awareness.  I believe awareness is the key to living happier.  We need to be aware of our feelings, thoughts, needs, values, what we like or don't like, how we want to spend our time etc.  Without awareness, there can be no growth, no change.  I also believe that from our awareness there needs to come curiosity--a desire to dig deeper about ourselves and figure out what's happening beneath our feelings and needs.  However, the step I forget about, especially personally, and the one I think is most needed is the step between awareness and curiosity.  This step involves allowing what is happening now. Having a pause between awareness and curiosity and giving ourselves space to allow the emotion, thought or need.  To sit in non-judgement of it, to just allow it to be.  It doesn't mean you have to like it or feel comfortable but give that thought, emotion, need a chance to come up and be acknowledged.

It was a refreshing reminder for me of the power of that pause, that space to allow myself to feel and be whatever it is I am aware of.  In her book and in her presentation Tara told a wonderful story about a psychologist who had Alzheimer's.  He had come to a conference with his wife, to present on his latest study.  As he stood before the audience he realized he couldn't remember what he had come there to say.  He stood there utterly perplexed as to why he was in front of the audience and what his speech was about.  Can you imagine the terror, the sheer panic that must have been running through his veins?  But rather than panic he started naming everything he was aware of 'I am afraid', and then he would bow his head, 'people are staring', bow his head, 'my heart is racing', bow his head.  He did this over and over and when he finished the speech people came up to him and said how they had never seen someone teach them awareness/presence and meditation like that before. He was able to be present to the flood of emotions, thoughts and needs he was experiencing.

As a therapist, I admit I am constantly looking for meaning, trying to analyze and figure out WHY I am feeling a certain way or what is going on underneath.  Sometimes the power just comes in the allowing, in the surrender to what we are aware of and it doesn't need to go any deeper than that.  When I practice this surrender it is like a huge exhale occurs, an opening up of my heart and my body.  I am able to give myself a break and just allow myself to be present in love and kindness to myself.

So today pay attention to the awarenesses you have and then bless them. Whether through a silent or verbal 'yes' or 'I consent' or physically bowing or touching your heart (my personal favorite).  Allow yourself to be present to whatever comes up.  THEN if it is necessary dig a little deeper and have some curiosity.

Coming Home

Home.  What is home?  I have asked myself that question a lot over the last few days.  I just returned 'home' from my conference in DC.  I love my home, the green house with blue trim and the big porch out front.  I love the energy of my home filled with my animals, Mocha and Pooh.  I love the 'stuff' and that it all has meaning and energy for me.  I love how I feel in my house, safe. grounded. calm.

But home is more than a nice house with four walls.  Home is actually a feeling, it is an energy.  In reality, I can feel at 'home' in a hotel room or sitting in front of the Lincoln Memorial, surrounded by people.  At the same time, I can feel totally out of whack in my house.  I can feel anxious or stressed out.

I can remember in my early twenties, I only felt that sense of peace when I was at my house.  I would rush through my day just so I could achieve the escape of my physical house.  I remember saying to myself 'I want to feel at home wherever I go'.  That is the goal isn't it?  To feel at peace, grounded, and connected wherever we are. Because in reality that sense of home comes from within.

So our house is where we can let down our guard (hopefully) where we can be ourselves and just be.  The goal, I believe in living happier is to be able to take that sense of ourselves, that grounded courage out into the world. So whenever we get knocked down, or beat up we can come back to 'home', come back to that feeling of safety and security that we have in our houses.

Yesterday, I was coming home from DC, I was tired and depleted.  I just wanted to get HOME.  On the plane I had a challenging interaction with the guy in front of me about the overhead bins--I had cracked a joke and he didn't think it was funny or misunderstood and gave me a snippy response back.  I SO wanted to explain myself, that I was only joking,  but we were on a crowded airplane and there was no time. Because I was feeling tired and overwhelmed I almost started to cry (my go to response when my bucket is empty).  But I gathered myself--put my hands over my heart and said 'you are tired sweetie, you are ok, you just need to get home'.  I took a few deep breathes and I felt better.  I was able to bring myself 'home' even though I was on the plane and feeling misunderstood (something I hate--I am an uber-clarifier).

In my early twenties when home was only my house I never had that feeling of grounded, that feeling of I can do this, that feeling of self love.   I had the pleasure of hearing Tara Brach speak yesterday (I will post more about that later this week),  she said that the primary suffering in the world is a sense of home-sickness of being separated from ourselves, our home. We get this homesickness by separating from ourselves, beating ourselves up and using the hammer.  We can only be home when we are at peace with ourselves and grounded in our bodies.  Yesterday I was able to bring myself back to home by  holding my heart and giving myself a break.

The key is paying attention to where we feel at home, is it your physical house?  A certain room?  At the beach?  In the mountains?  Where do you get that feeling of security and warmth?  How does that sense of calm feel for you?  Then as you go into the world and you get knocked of balance, you get overwhelmed and depleted, remind yourself of your home base. Close your eyes and remind yourself of how it feels to go to your home to be safe, secure and at peace.  Remind yourself home is inside and we can all go back home no matter where we are.

What is home to you?  What makes your house a home?

Building Connection

For the rest of the week, I am in DC for a conference.  I flew in last night and I am blogging before I head down to my first session of a 4 day conference for therapists.  I am always amazed at the mixed emotions that traveling brings to me--on one hand I love getting out of my routine, seeing new people, new places, taking care of basic needs and figuring out the lay of the land.  However, traveling, especially for business, is lonely.  Ironic, really because I live alone so the idea of eating alone, sleeping alone, filling my time alone isn't new to me or even uncomfortable.  But when I travel for business as I walk around everyone seems to have someone to spend their time with or talking to someone.  Loneliness, I feel is worse, when you are surrounded by people.  You FEEL like you should have a connection, you have this false sense of bond but really when you look around they are strangers who unlike you appear to be connecting with a lot of other people.

Someone once told me that Spring is the highest time for depression because people think they SHOULD be out and about doing stuff and they see other people outside having fun and they get more depressed.  Which makes sense to me, in the winter we are all inside so you assume everyone feels like you do, but in Spring there is an added pressure for someone who is depressed to get out there and interact and take part of the beauty of Spring.

I have seen a build up of loneliness in my practice lately too.  We all long for some kind of connection, someone to hear our story and share in our lives.  With the busyness of our lives, going to work, raising kids and having friends and family living in different cities or states sometimes it is hard to connect with each other.

It is my belief the world would be a better place if we all took some time to REALLY connect with those around us.  To really greet the man who sells you your morning coffee, or the person who works in the office next to you.  To take time at the end of the day to hear you partner share about their day and  really listen to their anxieties, concerns, joys and pain.  Although feeling lonely in a group of strangers is challenging, it is worse is when you feel lonely and you are surrounded by people you care about.  The challenge is to admit you are lonely and start making changes to add more connection.  Not just having people who will hear your story but start listening to other people's stories too.  Connection starts when we open up and admit we are struggling.  When we admit we feel lonely.

So today I am going to embrace my loneliness I am going to really connect with those around me, listen to their stories and share my own. I am going to take the time to build connections at this event and tomorrow when I wake up hopefully I will feel a little less lonely.

My challenge to you is to do a check in--when do you feel most lonely?  Who do you want to build a deeper connection with?  What small changes could you make to enhance your connections with friends or even strangers?

What are you Gaining from People Pleasing?

People Pleasing is another theme that seems to be plaguing many of my clients lately.  I admit, it is something I with which I have and continue to struggle.  Somewhere as women (and I know quite a few men who have this issue too) we learned that our needs aren't as important as other people's.  In fact, we learned that our role is to predict, mind read and generally guess what the other person needs or might need so that we can fill it for them.

Here is an extreme example of a friend of mine.  Liz (not her real name) attended her annual family vacation last month. She spent so much of her time making sure that her brother and sister were happy that she didn't even know if she had a good time.  She spent the whole week of vacation, trying to figure out the perfect restaurant for everyone, the perfect beach spot, the perfect dinner time conversation!  She made sure she kept her brother and brother-in-law (sisters husband) separate the whole time and made sure her mother didn't get on her sister's nerves.  In short she felt responsible for everyone elses happienss.  I asked Liz what would happen if she stopped engaging in the behavior and she said she had no idea but she could only imagine how awful it would be.  She had played this role for years and they counted on her they needed her in that role.

The first step in trying to change your people pleasing ways is to recognize that you engage in this behavior.  The second step is to recognize that you are getting something out of it!!!  Yep, that is a hard one to swallow, my friend.  But it is true.  Because she people pleases, Liz feels more important, they "need me to take care of them", they "need me to pick the perfect restaurant" if "I don't take care of them they will be miserable".  Truth is they might be stunted or stymied briefly if Liz didn't step up and take over, but they would eventually figure it out.  If they had to, Liz's family would figure out how to get along.  As people pleasers we tend to get in this rut of believing we are irreplaceable believing that our overt need to over give, and wear ourselves out is helping everyone.  In reality we are hurting ourselves AND those around us.

So once Liz recognizes she is a people pleaser she has to ask her self--what am I getting out of this pattern?  The two main things I have seen in myself and in my clients that we gain are:  One, A sense of importance, a sense of security/identity in her role, the kudos from her family that she contributes. Two, When she pours all her energy into her family/friends she doesn't have time to really look at her life, to look at her own wants/needs.  For some of us looking inward is too hard and challenging because we are afraid we might not like what we see.  So by focusing on everyone else Liz is too exhausted to look at her own life and figure out what she desires.  People pleasing allows her to stay in victim mode, allows her to never really go for her dreams because she just doesn't have time. Changing the habit of people pleasing is a hard one because we usually are gaining a lot from this role.  Once we realize what we are gaining and that it just isn't worth the price we can start changing the behavior.

The problem with people pleasing is it can't be done and at the end of the day we are hurting ourselves and those around us.  We get so caught up in being hyper aware for everyone else and making sure everyone else is having fun and getting their needs met--we forget our own.  It is an unfulfilling way to live.  Logically we can't read people's minds, we can't make everyone happy. We can only make ourselves happy and be kind and caring to those around us.  We have to then trust that if we stop people pleasing and look inside there is a wonderful magical world there. We have to trust that those around us will figure out how to make themselves happy.  We have to trust that when we all just take care of ourselves, stop mind reading, stop playing the victim and be kind to one another we will live happier.

Are you a people pleaser?  What are you gaining from this role?  What tricks have you tried to catch yourself people pleasing?

A Water Park Wow Moment

This weekend my family and I headed to an indoor water park to celebrate my mom's birthday--strange I know.  But it is a chance for all of us to get together as a family to celebrate her birthday! So every year for the past 7 years we have headed to a water park for her birthday. It is well known in my family that I dread this event.  I don't have any kids, I am very wimpy when it comes to water slides (I can't even manage one without getting motion sickness) and overall it is not how I want to spend my weekend.  However, it is a nice chance to hang with my family, my brothers and their wives, my nieces and nephews, and my parents.  As we all get older, these chances of us getting together are more and more rare and precious. But overall other than celebrating the birth of my mother, I admit I don't enjoy this event.

However, this water park weekend was different.  This year, I let the water park experience unfold--I didn't make a plan, I didn't wonder what everyone else was thinking or needed I just was present to the experience.  And I had a great time.  In fact, I had some wow moments.  It is such a gift when you can be present to life and open to life and recognize in the every day moment that you are experiencing is in reality a special event.  I believe wow moments happen frequently, we just miss them because we are too caught up in our lives and not present to what is happening.  So when I can experience an every day wow moment I celebrate because it is the wow moments that get us through life that move us through the  challenging times. The wow moments help us live happier!  The challenge is finding the wow moments in every day life.

My dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's a few years back and it is slowly taking over his body, he moves slower and he can't balance as well. He needs us more and we as a family are there for him more.  So usually at the water park,  I leave him in the room, to do his reading or working and head down to the water park, this year I decided to hang with him.  It wasn't even a decision really, just more like I sat down and we started talking and before I knew it was 2 hours later!  We talked about marriage, family, work, health, dying, sex, sickness, politics.  You named it we talked about it.  What a gift that not only I got to have this conversation with my father but I was fully present for it.  I was enjoying every minute and frequently thinking to myself wow--this is an amazing gift! It was for me a wow moment, an every day conversation that because I was present for was a precious gift that I will treasure. And on top of it all--I was dreading the entire weekend.  Here I received an extra wow moment in the midst of a weekend I wasn't looking forward to.  Which showed me that wow moments can come at anytime, we just need to be present and open for them.   I hope dad and I have many, many, more of those conversations and I hope I am present for each and every one of them!

So today pay attention to the wow moments, to the every day conversations that are magical, to the interactions you don't usually pay attention to.  Wow moments are there we just have to be open to them.

What are some wow moments you have experienced that have enhanced your every day life?

Beware of the Globbers

It always fascinates me that within my life and especially within my private practice there tend to be themes.  Lately a theme has been dealing with toxic people.  One of the by-products of spiraling up, making changes and learning how to live happier is you also learn the identity of your real friends vs the globbers.  The globbers is my name for the people who glob on to you, who are filled with drama and insecurity.  They really just need you to be the person who listens, counsels and generally makes them feel better about themselves.  Globbers are the people who do NOTHING but drain your bucket.

Globbers don't really care about you and in fact, when you start learning new things and growing their insecurities tend to sky rocket causing them to lash out and be down right mean.  Globbers don't really want you to succeed, they don't really want you to be happy in fact they just want you to be the host upon which they can glob on to.  Wow, you say, that is harsh.  Harsh, but true, my friend.  When I first started my 'live happier journey' as I call it, it was a harsh, painful reality to realize most of my friends fit into the globber role.  In fact, my life was filled with them.  The period of time of losing the globbers and building new friends who loved and supported me was a hard and difficult one.

However, I know now, that losing those friends was a wonderful blessing. Sorting the wheat from the chaff, if you will.  Over the long haul you really just want the people who believe in you and celebrate you in your life.

So inevitably what happens is someone comes into my office or attends one of my seminars who is learning what they value, and need and starting to live happier.  However, they have surrounded themselves with globbers who masked as friends.  We are usually attracted to these globbers because they are fun and mindless.  They keep us occupied with drama and allow us to stay unfocused on our own lives as much as possible.  Once we start on our live happier journeys we actually want to be focused on our own stuff, we are actually curious about ourselves and want to engage in activities that we enjoy.  And we really, bless our hearts, want the globbers to join with us, we want them to see and feel how much better it is to have REAL conversations and engage in REAL activities not just drama.  But the globbers just don't have it in them, it is just not possible for them to engage in that behavior, yet.  So if we are to continue we have to let them go.  We have to release the globbers and find new supportive friends.

During my journey, I realized I had real friends there all along, I just hadn't noticed because the globbers were taking too much of my time.  Once I recognized that I wanted real, genuine friendships I also recognized it wasn't about quantity it was about quality.  A few years ago I had A LOT of friends, I was busy all the time, so my life looked fun and exciting. In reality, I was just running, from my pain, from myself from any real connection.  So I surrounded myself with globbers who allowed me to remain in run mode.  When I started spiraling up and realized I needed to release the globbers my life became very different.  Now I am not afraid to be alone, I am not afraid to have real genuine conversations.  So my friend pool is smaller but Oh so much deeper.

The transition of living happier can be a challenging one at times.  It is hard to recognize we have been on the run and the people and activities we needed before are not what we need now.  That is ok.  You will get through it.  I promise, it will be worth the process of weeding out the globbers and adding in the friends who support you.

So today I want you to look at your friend pool--Is it shallow but packed with globbers?  Are you in transition?  Or is it deep and small filled with quality friend who know and love you no matter what?

Starting a Movement

In the world of small business marketing, the idea of 'Starting a Movement' is suggested as a way to create buzz around a business.  For the past few months, that phrase has been cycling around in my brain.  I like the idea of starting a Movement, not a Movement as in a protest or demonstration.  But a Movement as in seeing a change that needs to be made in the world and recognizing my unique gifts and how I, little ol' me, can start living that change on a daily basis. Through my actions, reaction, responses, desires, activities change begins to happen. So today, I think we should all start a Movement in our lives--start recognizing what we offer to the world that is a rare, wonderful gift and combing that with the change we see that is needed.

So my next question to myself was what is my Movement?  And of course I thought it is to help people Live Happier--but that seemed pretty broad. I think on a large scale that is my goal but there are many, many facets to Living Happier, there isn't one 10 step process to it because it varies by person.  Then last night laying in bed (I swear right before I fall asleep or as I take a shower I get the best ideas!!) I decided my Movement is to offer Genuine Acceptance.  One of my gifts is my ability to genuinely accept people where they are in their process (which is one reason I became a therapist!).  I also decided, the world needs more love and acceptance.  People need more genuine validation for who they are and what they dream about.  People need to feel it is ok to share their dreams their stories, they need permission to be their genuine selves.  So I am going to start a Movement of Genuine Validation or Genuine Love and Acceptance.  In reality, I believe I already offer this gift to those in my world, clients, friends, family.  But in my Movement I am going to be more intentional about it with strangers, and acquaintances.  I am going to start really noticing where I can add more validation for people, more acceptance for who they are and allow them to trust their own voice bit by bit.

So of course I am going to ask you what is your Movement?  What small gift do you bring to the world that you would like to be more intentional about.  Maybe it is your ability to cook, to garden, to knit, to listen, to speak, to buy appropriate gifts, to organize stuff, to be present, to make movies.  I believe we all have a unique perspective, a unique way of looking at the world and we need to start sharing that within our Movements.  I think of Julia Child who's Movement was that more people need to learn about the Joy of French Cooking and so she spent her life sharing that Movement  Maybe your Movement is that we all need to know about being a great pet owner and so as you go through your life you demonstrate that gift in the actions you have with your pet and the way you interact with other people's pets.  Or maybe your Movement is that we need to start living healthier so you show that in how you eat, how active you are in your life and what you cook for your family and friends.

Starting a Movement allows you to figure out what is important to you, what you value, what you see as a change needed in the world and then start implementing it.  It is a way to empower us to make a change. All change is incremental, all change starts with us.  Change occurs slowly, like water wearing down rocks, it doesn't have to be a large brutal force. It just needs to be smooth, consistent and persistent.

If we all started living our unique gift, living our desired change, living our Movements--we would all Live Happier.

What is your Movement??

Celebrating What We See Clearly

A few weeks ago I was watching Lost--yep I admit it I am a Lost fan--I also admit there is much of that TV show I don't understand even though I watched all 5 seasons just last summer.  But, I digress.

 In the episode the characters of Jack and Hurley are walking through the jungle when they see a stone monument and Jack turns to Hurley and says "why haven't we ever seen this before?"--(keeping in mind they have been trapped on the island for years) and Hurley says "Well, maybe because we weren't looking before"  Meaning, in my opinion, before they weren't 'ready' to see the monument--it wasn't the time for it to be revealed. And I thought, "hmm"  How often is do we miss ideas, people, tools, insights because we just aren't ready to see them and we aren't really looking for them and then when we are ready, they appear.  It feels like magic but in reality it has been their all along we just weren't ready to see it.

As we move through the journey of Living Happier and spiraling up we are building awarenesses and having new insights that we didn't have before.  Things we never thought of now come into focus.  A few years ago I rarely thought about what made me happy, let alone to ask myself about it on a daily basis.  I rarely took a moment to pause and reflect on all the gratitude I had in my day, now I do it daily.    I see it in my clients as they move through their journey they start thinking about ideas and people differently.  They start paying more attention to the people in their life and who they are and what they give to the world rather than always seeing how people can help/hurt them.

From time to time I think it is helpful to look back and see where we have come from, what we have learned and how we have grown.  We all grow and change--whether you are on the Live Happier journey or not I am sure you see life differently now then you did 10 years ago. I am sure you see things now that you never saw before.

I do believe and constantly am amazed that as we move through life, and are open to life lessons they appear when we are ready.  Life presents us with teachers, insights, and lessons when we are ready the trick is embracing them as they come into focus.

What is it you see clearly now that you didn't 5-10 years ago?  Maybe your potential, the value of being yourself, the beauty of the little joys in life or just the goal of living happier.  Today, take stock of what you can see now that you couldn't just a few years ago and celebrate.

Random Thoughts on Happiness

Last week Jenifer Curran, at Follow-My Bliss wrote this fascinating post,  "Happiness is a state of mind".   A little back story, Jenifer quit her desk job "to pursue work she was passionate about"  Today she is living her passion and supporting herself through writing and baking.  So basically in a nut shell she has done what many people just dream of doing--leaving the boring, mundane desk job that they hate (not implying that all desk jobs are painful, just some of them) to explore what makes her heart sing.  At the end of the day, this was the lesson she learned: "That old job, that desk job that I blogged for months about leaving, and planned for weeks to escape from, did not make me happy.  NOR did it make me unhappy.  Only I control my happiness.  My circumstances do not."

I LOVE this post.  Here this woman has done what we all dream of doing---living our passions.  And she is saying, yep it is fantastic, I am glad I made this choice and you know what I had the same amount of ability and control, to be happy at my desk job.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what is happiness. (makes sense since I blog about Living Happier, huh?) I think that there are many keys to Living Happier--but I think the most important is the recognition that happiness can occur at any time--it isn't once we find the perfect job, or the perfect mate or the perfect house.  It can happen right now.  Because happiness isn't about the external.  It isn't about where we live of what we look like.  Happiness is about how we feel on the inside.  Happiness comes from the inside it doesn't matter what is going on around us, a bad job, a sick relative, a financial crisis.  We can still be happy and dealing with those things.  Because living happier isn't about just experiencing joy all the time.

Living Happier is about showing up for our lives and being present to whatever happens. "Happiness", as Jenna from Cold Antler Farm says, "is understanding you don't want to be, can't fathom being anyone else".  That is the epitome of happiness, it is finally getting to the place where yes, there are still stresses and lessons to learn, I am still spiraling up, still waking up crabby because of the time change, still having moments of self doubt and lack of balance. AND at the end of the day, when I crawl into my clean, warm bed I can't fathom being anyone else.  I have stopped saying to myself I'll be Happy When and I realize that being happy can happen right now.  I have a choice in my life.  I can take control and try to change the things I have power of and let go of the rest.   

One of my favorite prayers is the serenity prayer. God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things we cannot be change, courage to change the things which should be change, and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other.  

In my opinion, that is where happiness comes from:  when we get to the place where we are moving through life, trying to live the serenity prayer, we are internalizing our ability to be happy.  So no matter what happens to us externally, internally we have a huge well of grace, courage and wisdom that allows us to accept where we are, embrace who we are and not want to be anywhere else, this, my friend, is Living Happier.  

Validating Their Humanity

A year ago this month I returned from a once in a lifetime trip to South Africa.  I traveled with a group of college students and we studied the effects of Apartheid. We learned about conflict and peace.  We learned how to build peace in an area that had the ultimate conflict--hate and oppression because of the color of ones' skin.  Last year upon my return I wrote this blog post on The Other and I wanted to post it again as a reminder of how easy it is to get stuck in the Other.

The Other

While traveling in South Africa--we learned about the history and present day effects of apartheid.  Throughout our trip we had the chance to hear the story and philosophy of apartheid-how it began and why it persisted for decades.  As many of you know, I am fascinated by story and the story of apartheid is a complex story full of victims and heroes on both sides. 

What struck me most about the stories was how easy it is turn people into the 'other'.  Once we 'otherize' a person it is far easier to hurt them and ridicule them. Even hearing the story of apartheid it was my temptation to turn the people that started the system into criminals--then I realized they had a story too.  Yes, what that group (the Afrikaners) did was atrocious and hate-filled yet they had a story behind why they did it--they felt like victims in their own right--they felt like it was "God's will" for them to be superior.  I am in NO WAY approving, or justifying what that group did but I do think it is important to understand WHY they did what they did so we can prevent it in the future. 

On a smaller level, in our every day lives we 'otherize' all the time--with someone we have a conflict with, someone who is different from us or has a different view point from us.  We hear a story and we make a judgment.  If the goal is to be intentional in our lives than we have to be aware of the temptation to 'otherize'.  We need to view people with curiosity and validation.  Yes there is evil in the world but there is also a story behind that evil. A reason behind why someone feels justified to say or do something cruel or hateful.  It is my intention rather than to jump into judgment and label someone to 'view their humanity' and have curiosity around their actions or viewpoint.  To understand where they are coming from rather than immediately thinking they are wrong.  

Peace building starts with validating the humanity of the other person.  Such a sweet statement, validating their humanity.  Meaning, even when we are around someone who we can't stand, someone we have conflict with, who is toxic or hurtful, we can always just validate that they too are human.  They too are struggling with life and figuring it all out even though it may not look like that on the surface.  During our trip we were preparing to meet a man who was active in the Dutch Reform Church, which was the foundation of the apartheid movement.  Before we met him, our guide who embodies peace building turned to us and said your temptation will be to judge and ridicule this man but I want you to look him in the eye and simply validate his humanity.   Judging him doesn't make the situation any better in fact it is treating him the same way he treated others.  It was a powerful moment for me.  

In small ways we can start validating our humanity first with ourselves in our day to day struggles and challenges.  Then with the people we see in a day:  the guy who cuts us off in traffic, the sales clerk who is a little rude, the co-worker who annoys us.  Instead of 'otherizing' and sitting in judgement of them think of their humanity!  Maybe the guy just heard his wife was in the hospital, or maybe the clerk has just worked a 15 hour day, or your co-worker was up all night with a crying baby.  Having curiosity around their humanity allows us to let go of the negativity, the judgment and the pain.  It allows us to start building a more peaceful world which helps us Live Happier. 

So today when someone does something that hurts you or challenges you rather then fire back in anger, breathe in and out , remind yourself there is probably a story behind their pain and validate their humanity.  I promise it will change your perspective.  

Embrace your Vulnerability

I have been thinking a lot about the term vulnerability lately.  It is such a two edged sword--on one edge is the idea of being open, being a risk taker, being passionate and exposed to life.  Sucking the marrow out of life as they say in one of my favorite all time movies Dead Poets Society.  However, in reality being vulnerable has the potential to cause pain. Thus the double edged sword.  Inherent in the act of vulnerability is risk.  The risk to love, to dream, to inspire, to aspire, to be happier. All of those things require us to be open and vulnerable to potential pain and suffering.


Vulnerability by it's very nature means potentially being wrong, it means opening oneself up to pain and sorrow. Vulnerability means potentially failing, picking the "wrong" love, aspiring for the "wrong" goal, putting one's hope and dreams on the line. It means, letting someone see me as weak—that I haven’t planned ahead—that I am not in control. Vulnerability is full exposure.  It is all defenses down, no safety net, no harness. Not being willing to be vulnerable is why many of us are afraid to move forward in our lives.  Because being vulnerable leaves us raw, open and exposed.


However, I believe vulnerability has gotten a bad wrap.  Vulnerability in my opinion is truly living. It is juicy and risky and in some ways down right relaxing. It allows us to drop the pretense of control or perfection (which we never really have anyway) and really just live--allowing people to see us for who we are and allowing us to be open to their love and their vulnerability. Vulnerability is being human and trusting that it will all work out how as it should even if decisions cause pain and challenges. Even if I mess up big time and end up a puddle on the floor. Even when someone sees me fully exposed, naked, bare souled crying and miserable. Vulnerability allows them to pick me up and dust me off and share a part of my soul. Vulnerability is not a weakness, from vulnerability comes great strength.


What greater gift than that to give to someone and to myself the gift of me being me--no pretense or hiding, just me. AH! That is the challenge:  to live life open and vulnerable, not scared, sad and insecure.  Not using the hammer on a regular basis.  Open to what life brings you, open to the people in your life and the relationships that if you would just let in might be the best thing that ever happened to you.


We are not taught to live with vulnerability, we are taught play it safe, be responsible, protect yourself.  But I will push back and say some of the best experiences of my life have been when I have allowed myself to be vulnerable, both in my career and in my personal life.  I am not saying all of those experiences were joyful happy ones, but they were rich and juicy and I wouldn't change them for the world. The ACTUAL quote from, The Dead Poet's Society is "Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone. There is a time for daring, and there is a time for caution.  A wise man understands which is called for." That is the challenge of vulnerability, trusting yourself to know when to be open and when to be cautious.


Today think about where could you be more open to life, where could you tear down some walls and allow some light in? Where could you drop the illusion of control and relax a bit into your humanity?

What Makes Your Life Worth Living?

Frequently we get stuck in the mind frame of I'll be Happy When Syndrome.  We get stuck in forward thinking, planning for a big event or looking for what's next.  When we live our lives constantly 'counting down' to the next big fun thing in our life we miss all the little fun things that happen on a daily basis. We miss the little things. 


Yesterday a friend of mine posed a question to me that made me say, "hmm"  So today I am posing the question to you: What makes life worth living?  What on a daily basis makes it worth it for you, to put one foot in front of the other and engage in life?


The amazing thing about this question is for each person it will be unique.   I challenge you to really ASK it and be specific.  I assume a lot of people might say family. What about your family makes them so special?  The way they make you laugh?  The ages of your children?  The conversations over dinner?  

Or would you say your career.  What about your career?   The way it makes you feel? The success you are achieving?  The fact that you are doing something you love (for the most part)? Or is it that it pays the bills so you can spend your free time engaging in amazing activities?


Or maybe it is friends.  What about your friends?  The fact you can count on them no matter what? The fact they are game for anything?  The laughter you experience with them?


I challenge you to go beyond the basics and get specific with it.  For me when I really answer the question it is a combo of the big things and the little things--it is of course my family, my friends, my career but more specifically it is: crawling into a freshly made bed with clean sheets, the greeting my dog, Mocha, gives me first thing in the morning, watching an amazing sunset, having a glass of wine with a friend while having a really great conversation, having a nice dinner with my parents, scheduling a 'spa day' with my mom, watching my nearest and dearest laugh, being able to take walk in the middle of the day just because it is sunny and 65.  I could go on and on but THAT is the beauty of this question--there are 50,000 things that make YOUR life worth living.  The challenge is finding them and recognizing them on a daily basis.


So, what makes your life worth living? 

Live Happier Tip: Pay Attention to the Road

One of my favorite quotes is from Alice in Wonderland when Alice is talking to the Cheshire Cat.

Alice: Can you tell me which path I should take?

Cheshire Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to go!

Alice: I don't really know.

Cheshire Cat: Then, clearly, any road will do!

That is how a lot of us start out our lives--blindly picking a road and heading down it.  The key to living happier is once we have picked a road to ask ourselves--where do we want to go and is this road helping us get there? We need to pay attention to the road and ask ourselves how do we respond to the people/activities/values on that road—do we need to detour? Take a side street?  Slow Down?  Back Up?

I had a client a few years ago who was just getting out of a bad, toxic relationship.  She had stayed in it for close to a decade, telling herself she was 'happy enough' so it was ok.  When I asked her what happy enough meant she said, 'well he wasn't abusive, we got along ok, and I had my career'.  When I pushed her further for what she wanted out of her life she had said she wanted, kids (something he didn't), to get married (something he didn't) ,and to travel (something he didn't).  She had in essence given up 10 years of her life to be 'happy enough'.  When she came to see me, she was coming out of the relationship and going through the process of recognizing that she deserved more than 'happy enough'.  Through our work together she started paying attention to her road and figuring out what was important to her.  Eventually she went back to school, found a new career, moved to Florida and started a new life.  During our last session she said, she couldn't imagine how she had lived all those years, not paying attention to what she wanted.  

It is my belief that in order to live happier, you need to pay attention to yourself on the road.  You need to make sure you are present with your mind body spirit. 

Living Happier, is an ongoing activity.  It is a process we live every day constantly listening to self and checking the road.  Our life ‘map’ may be a swirl of roads, we might detour or take side roads and that is ok.  Unfortunately in this culture we value picking one road and blindly sticking to it without any thought as to whether or not we actually like the road.  

 It doesn’t mean if we don’t like something or we don’t enjoy something we need to immediately back up or get off the road.   But maybe we need to detour or rest stop or make sure we are really connected with ourselves and the road we are choosing.  The point of life is to fully engage and actively pursue our values and passions.  

So today, as you think about your road, remember--any road WON'T do, happy enough isn't ok.  Ask yourself:   Are the activities, people and events you have in your life something you really CHOOSE to engage in, or are they filler in your life?  Are they something you want on your road?

Put Down the Hammer

Lately a lot of people I know (including myself) have been going through periods of self-doubt and self-hatred.    In fact, two wonderful bloggers, Danielle LaPorte at White Hot Truth and Aidan Donnelley Rowley at Ivy League Insecurities have written about their own struggle with self hatred and not feeling good enough.  It was fascinating to realize that these 2 women who are accomplished, successful and living the dream struggle with moments of 'I am not good enough'.  What I find most interesting about self-doubt and 'feeling not good enough' is that it seems to happen to all of us--some of us more than others but at some point that dark cloud of self doubt creeps in and tell us that we just aren't enough.

It is my belief and I have written about it here frequently, that you are enough, period.  However, I have found that even though I believe that to be true, powers greater than me are out to subterfuge that belief.  As I have shared before, I still struggle with feelings of judgement against myself.

Somewhere in my psyche is the irrational belief that the more I hammer myself the more I will be motivated or the more I will succeed.  I admit at times I believe I am successful  because I am modest/humble and constantly remind myself how small I am.  Growing up many of us, especially women were given the message to stay humble, stay modest, don't brag etc.  And in our brains we got that confused with beat yourself up, keep yourself down.  The two are not linked in any way.  In no way does hammering myself on how much I don't live up unreal expectations match with keeping myself humble.  I can be a successful person, share my gifts with the world, be happy AND be humble and modest.  It is like I believe feeling not good enough is the price I have to pay for happiness or success. I even commented on Aidan's blog that maybe feeling not good enough is the yang to the ying of succeeding.

But today I am calling bullshit on that belief (pardon the harsh language but I think it is warranted). My beliefs of feeling not good enough and not worthy are not serving me in any way.  Somewhere I justified these feelings by saying they are all part of life's balance but in reality these beliefs do nothing but hurt me.  These beliefs don't serve us in any way, the don't make us better human beings, they don't make us happier and they don't allow us to give back to the world.

Today I am shedding light on my 'I am not good enough beliefs' I am going bring them out in the open and build some awareness around them.  I am going to put down the hammer and I challenge you to do the same.

The belief that these thoughts are serving us, keeping us modest, humble and nice is incorrect and the less we foster these thoughts the happier we will become.

Significant Relationships: It's Not All About You.

Today, I just received the latest issues of Psychology Today which has a wonderful article called "The Love Fix--Get Beyond Your Expectations". This article compiles research from the past few years on marriage/significant relationships.  One of the main points of the article (and there are many) is that in relationships we expect perfection.  We expect the ONE person we have chosen to be married to or commit to, to be perfect, to fulfill our every need and desire.  By expecting perfection we don't allow for our partner's imperfections and tend to overly dramatize our partners humanity into tragedy.  For example, the fact that our partner might not like PDA (public displays of affection) becomes all about us and the fact that they don't really love us or they would show it in public.  When really, PDA makes them uncomfortable and it has nothing to do with us.

I have talked about this before in two posts about Loving them Anyway-Part One and Part Two. But this article gave me a new perspective on the topic.  In summary, it stated to have the right partner you have to BE the right partner--so yes some of relationship is about picking the right person for you but almost larger than that is being the right partner within the relationship.  So showing up, holding the space, being present and recognizing that it's not all about you.

As we walk through the world,  most of us (me included, I have to confess) are pretty self absorbed we think most activities and interactions that happen around us are about us or a reflection of us.  When in reality most of the time people aren't thinking about us.  Which as a side note, is why the find 3 reasons rule is so life changing!

But I think in relationship it is healthy and important when our partner engages in an activity that is annoying or responds in a way not to our liking to remind ourselves it might not be about me.  Like the PDA example above.  Or on an even simpler level, a client of mine was telling me the story of her husband.  Every morning he gets out of the shower and doesn't dry off and gets the shower mat sopping wet.  When she gets out of the shower she doesn't have a dry place to stand.  To her this was a totally obvious consideration and the fact that he wasn't engaging in a 'common nicety' showed that he didn't really care for her.  She would start her day in a huff each time she stepped on the soppy mat because she personalized his mistake.  Eventually she checked it out with him and shared with him how much she hated stepping on the wet mat--he responded back that he never thought of it as a nicety and in the morning was only thinking about getting out of the shower and dressed as fast as possible so drying off in the shower never even dawned on him.  As my client shared this story she said she couldn't believe how much time she wasted thinking it was all about her--when in reality it had NOTHING to do with her.  She told me recently that on occasion he still gets the map sopping wet--but it is her reaction that is different and it has become a source of humor for them rather than a trigger of hurt.  That is the key--forgiveness.  Yes, kudos to her for stating the need.  More kudos to both of them for recognizing that the need might not always get met and they can still build each other up in the process.  I admit that it is a simple example, but those silent misunderstandings and internalizations happen all the time, because we assume it is all about us.

According to the Psychology Today, article--the key to a happy relationship is to be engaged in a partnership where both people are trying to build the other up as much as possible. So that you are working together to build and bring out each others dreams/goals/positive qualities.  That would be a powerful goal for any relationship but most especially our intimate ones.  If we took a deep breathe and walked into the relationship with the attitude of how can I help you be the best you possible rather than how can I get my needs met, we would all be happier.

So starting today try these 2 new ideas on for size:
One:  Remind yourself it's not all about you. Recognizing that your partners idiosyncrasies or habits might not be because they are trying to bother you or hurt you. They might just be because they don't know better or they are being genuinely themselves.  So rather than internalize their behavior--check it out and apply some genuine understanding and forgiveness.

Two:  Look at your partner and ask yourself how can my response help them achieve THEIR goals/their aspirations (not mine for them)?  How can my response/action/reaction help them become the best person they can become?

What are your thoughts? What do you think are the keys to a lasting relationship?

The Power of Perception

Below is an e-mail I recently received from some friends.  It is a true story based on a Washington Post social experiment organized in 2007 about perception, taste and people's priorities. 



Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007 a man walks to a corner of the station pulls out his violin and begins to play.   The man with the violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.
4 minutes later: The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping and continued to walk.


6 minutes later: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.
10 minutes: A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.
45 minutes: The  musician played continuously.  Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace.  The man collected a total of $32.
1 hour: He finished playing and silence took over. 
  
The violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars. Two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.


I was blown away by this article not just amazed at how many people missed out on this 'free concert' but in thinking that I too might have missed out.

In my research about this experiment,  I stumbled upon on a few posts about it--a few people expressed frustration about the experiment.   Their view was if people knew it was a free concert they would have stopped but because no one told them they had things they had to do in their lives.  THAT is EXACTLY the point.  Absolutely, tell people they are getting something for free and they would stop, just for the mere fact they are getting something for free or because they are seeing a famous musician.  But when walking through a crowded subway station headed to your next meeting or event and you hear beautiful music playing by a perceived street musician, do you stop?  Do you take time out of your day to listen and enjoy? Or do you keep moving?

One woman did stop--at the end of the video you can see her standing there and then she says, 'only in DC would this happen' she loved the music, stopped to listen and then recognized the musician.  Had she not followed her instincts to stop when she heard the music she would have missed out on enjoying a serenade by one of the world's top musicians--free or not.

How many opportunities like this do we miss in a day, the chance to talk to a stranger/friend, listening to our partner's story about his/her day, hearing our children laugh, watching a beautiful sunset.

I am always amazed how on vacation the sunset becomes a giant part of the day--each day on vacation we watched for the sunset, in fact a large crowd gathers to watch the sunset.  Makes sense, we are all on vacation, we are all of the mindset of relaxing and enjoying our time.  However, at home, we rarely watch the sunset--granted these days it is hard to see with all the clouds.  When we get home, we have things to do, people to see and the sunset becomes lost in the shuffle.  In reality, the sunset happens at home the same as it does on vacation.  So I was surprised and touched when my nearest and dearest said to me one of the favorite parts of his job is from his window he can watch the sunset each day.  That is what this story reminds us of:  Little moments happen every day that we might just miss because we are too busy or because we perceive them as insignificant.

So today my challenge to you is to follow your gut--listen for the beautiful music, the touching story or the heartfelt laughter that makes up your day and then stop and enjoy it!!!

If you are interested, here is the original article in the Washington Post.

Living on the Edge

Back from vacation. We had a totally amazing trip and now I am attempting to settle back into life as usual.

One of the things I love about vacation is that it pulls you out of your regular every day routine. I am not a risk taker by nature, I like to THINK I am but really I tend to be more of a play it safe, good wholesome girl who follows the rules (real or imagined).  This is a running joke between me and my nearest and dearest who tends to be a break the rules kind of guy.  On vacation I was a bit more of a risk taker, climbing up the stone wall at the pool, wearing slinkier outfits, just not always playing by the rules.  We had the running joke that I was 'living on the edge' on this vacation--even shortened it to be LOTE and when I would do something slightly daring my nearest and dearest would cry out "lote, lote".

It was a cute inside joke but it also got me thinking about how easy it is to get stuck in a rut.  Many of the 'lote' things I would do weren't that crazy not like base jumping or running naked through the resort.  They were minor shifts in my thinking, or my behavior.  What was amazing was how those minor shifts were so freeing--so perspective changing.  We don't always have to follow the rules.  Many times we have just made up the rules or they don't apply anymore.  It is my belief these rules keep us stuck, stuck in a rut, stuck in negativity, stuck in closed thinking.  Rules such as 'be a good girl' and 'don't stand out' are so vague and general they are hard to actually follow.  But try as I might I am constantly trying to follow those rules, when I 'broke them' on vacation the heavens didn't open up, the hotel guards didn't come get me.  In fact many times my bliss and joy from engaging in the rule breaking behavior showed up on the faces of those around me.  So I decided today as I shift back into the real world I am going to pay attention to my rules, the rules that keep me stuck, that keep me from Living on the Edge of my life, my passion, my personality.

So today I challenge you pay attention to your 'rules'.  What rules do you follow unnecessarily? What rules do you have that don't serve you anymore? What is keeping you from living on the edge of your life?