The Perfect Protest

Today in my blog reading (have I ever shared how much I LOVE reading blogs) I stumbled upon the Perfect Protest by Brene Brown at Ordinary Courage.  She just wrote a book called The Gifts of Imperfection and is encouraging fellow bloggers to protest our need to be perfect!  What a fabulous idea!

Please join me in celebrating your imperfection and all the fun, joy, excitement that comes from it!!  In order to be happier in our lives we need to lay down our need to be perfect!  Please join me in celebrating you, being imperfect and therefore perfectly you!!!

True Confession:  I admit I took 5+ pictures before I realized I was trying to make it PERFECT--irony at it's finest!!  So I went with the first pic I took--in all it's imperfection!

Getting Practical with Your Dreams

There are two main components of helping people work happier and live happier.  Phase one is dream big.   I absolutely love helping people unearth their dreams, passions and somedays.  If you have been reading my blog you know I believe we need a little more dream validation, we need to be engaging in the things that make us come alive, and we need to have curiosity and awareness around what makes our heart sing.  Phase Two is taking those big beautiful dreams and developing practical steps to add them into our every day lives.  Although, dreaming is a lost art and it is a key to working and living happier, it means nothing if we can't implement our dreams into our daily lives.  We may have the biggest dreams, ideas, passions imaginable but if we can't figure out practical ways to live them they are useless to us.

I admit, these practical steps may mean our dream has to change or be different then we might imagine.  We might have to make compromises due to timing or have a little more patience. But the truth is, our dreams are accomplishable we just need to add them into our lives in practical, step by step ways.   A friend of mine's unspoken dream is that he has always wanted to be a sportscaster, he LOVES sports of all kinds and is a wealth of information when it comes to factoids and numbers related to sports.  However, he has 3 kids, lives in a small town in the middle of nowhere and has limited connections to the sporting world.  He doesn't even know where to begin to accomplish this dream.  Sounds pretty hopeless huh?  But in reality, right now, he wants to be home with his children, he doesn't want to be traveling from game to game and missing the time he currently has with his family.  So right now going after his dream full tilt, probably not going to mesh with his current values.  But that doesn't mean his dream has to die.  We just need to get creative with his dream so we can combine his current values and his dream of being a sportscaster. 

 First step is to get crystal clear on what he LIKES about the idea of being a sportscaster--is it sharing his love/knowledge of sports? or being able to watch as many sporting events as possible and get paid for it? or does he simply want to be famous? Once we have that answer then we can come up with some ideas:   For example, he can write articles on-line or magazines/newspapers and get some free-lance work going, he could announce local games in his area,  he can work for a local radio show or do a podcast around certain sporting events, or he could start building contacts with people in the sports industry so when his children are grown he can be ready to really go after the big dream. 

The idea is that your dream is your focus point then you need to break down your dream step by step.  What is it about the dream that really makes your heart sing? How can you start adding that into your life now? What are some practical steps you can start to make that dream a reality based on your current lifestyle/values?  One thing we know for sure, time keeps moving, and we keep getting older. For many of us our dreams in their entirety might not be achievable right now, in this moment, but if we don't start working towards them, if we don't take the first step and start walking towards our dreams we won't achieve them.  Nothing is more sad to me than an unexplored dream, a dream that was pushed aside, forgotten or ignored.  We owe it to ourselves, and our loved ones to both dream big AND implement those dreams, one step at a time.  

The Elusive Over There's

Last week I was enjoying a walk with a friend of mine and we were talking about her new career.  She has recently decided to pursue her art/sculpture full time.  She was discussing the ups and downs of starting her own business and engaging her passion.

At one point she looked at me and said, "Don't you ever get tired of thinking, it's just 'over there'?"

And I looked at her puzzled.

So she went on,  "You know," she said, "that happiness, peace, contentment is just over there and if/when I get 'over there' I will feel it but then 'over there' keeps moving."  We both laughed.  Because I could totally relate.

I have written on this blog about the 'I'll be happy when syndrome' which is the idea that we set imaginary goals and once we hit them THEN we will be happy. The elusive 'over there' but then the 'when' keeps shifting.  When I quit this job, when I get the perfect career, when I am in a relationship, when I have kids and on and on and on.  Meanwhile life keeps moving forward--sometimes, we actually hit the 'over there' but by the time we achieve it we have already moved on to the next one.  We rarely take time to celebrate the win.

I will use me for example and do a little self disclosure.   A few weeks ago I was looking at my life and was lamenting my 'over there's' that I had yet to achieve.  Then I said to myself wait let's take stock and look at where you are, what you want out of life and what you have.  So I thought about my life:

I am working a job I love and I am passionate about. I get to set my own schedule, work with people on finding their dreams lives and get to write, speak and listen to people every day.

I am in a relationship that makes me feel joyful and supported every day. Which in full disclosure, has been an 'over there' for a very long time.

I have friends who support me and love me and are drama free and a family that I can be transparent with and share with free of judgement.

Ten years ago, those were my 'over there's'.  I was working a job that on some level I enjoyed but also left me depleted and exhausted.   I was single and although good at being single, I really wanted to find someone to share my life with.  I had lots of friends but few of them really knew me and much of the relationships were built on drama. I still hadn't individuated from my family so I looked to them for approval and acceptance constantly.

Don't get me wrong my life isn't perfect--I still have my 'over there's' but if I hadn't taken stock of what my 'current wins' are, I would have missed them.  I would have missed looking at my life and for a brief moment taking a huge sigh of relief to say, "Ah, I am right where I should be and I need to enjoy this time".

So today I challenge you to put down your 'over there's' for a little bit and just look at the 'current wins' where are you now, what are you joyful about, what blessings do you have in your life?  Maybe it is that you have the children you always wanted, you are closer to the career you dreamed about, you are in a relationship you love, you have traveled to places you dreamed about, or you are engaging in a hobby that makes your heart sing.  

I challenge you to look at your 'over there's' from 10 years ago.  What were they?  How have you changed? How have you achieved them? Which ones did you let go of?  Which ones did you forget/give up on?  Are there any that are still on your 'over there' list?

Over there's are fabulous as long as stop and celebrate when we have finally reached them, instead of constantly pushing the 'there' a little further.

Attack of the Fear Monger

When I look at my job and what my role is as a career counselor, I would venture to guess that I spend a mere 25% of my time helping people figure our their ideal career.  The majority of my time (about 75%) is devoted to helping people find ways to overcome the little voice inside their heads whom I call The Fear Monger.

Not surprisingly as a career counselor, many people walk into my office and want me to help them figure out their ideal career. And I can do that, through a variety of avenues:  assessments, talk therapy, worksheets, etc we can begin to pinpoint what would make their heart sing.  For some people this is the easy part, they decide on a career and begin taking steps to move towards it and then The Fear Monger kicks in, the voice from deep inside them that says, "you can't do THAT". It is this voice that does everything in it's power to keep them stuck, complacent and not living or working happier. Welcome to The Fear Monger, we all have one, it lives deep inside of us.  It only seems to raise its head and spew forth all it's ugliness when we have tapped into our true calling, when we are on the right track and preparing to make changes that will allow us to live and work happier.  The sole job of The Fear Monger, it is to spread enough negative propaganda that we won't go after our dreams.    Some common propaganda tactics of The Fear Monger are, "What will people think?", "Who am I to do ____?", " I am too old, too young, too stupid, too underqualified, too overqualified", "What if I fail?"  "What if I am a terrible at _____, then what will I do",  and the list goes on and on.

A classic example of this pattern happened recently with a client.  At the very first session she shyly admitted that she wanted to become a nurse.  After engaging in discussion, analysis, assessments, research on a variety of careers and worksheets she decided she did really want to become a nurse.   One day she came in and announced, with a grin on her face, that she was done searching, she wanted to be a nurse. So we began discussing the next few action steps she would need to take to start nursing school.  She left my office, with a spring in her step totally excited.  The next week she comes in to my office, sits down and says "So I was looking at becoming a teacher" and I said "whoa, whoa, whoa, I thought you were going to look into nursing schools". And she said "yes, but I don't know if that is the right career for me, I think we should keep looking just to make sure".  AH HA!  There it is--she had been attacked by her own Fear Monger.  Her Fear Monger wanted to keep her in check, in complacency, in searching mode.  Searching mode is safe, we can explore, check things out, learn about ourselves but when we start to venture into action steps our Fear Monger takes control.

Over the next few weeks I am going to be start fighting back against The Fear Monger propaganda and start to put to rest some of the common messages that The Fear Monger spews forth.  But for now, pay attention to your own Fear Monger.  When do you hear it most?  What is it's favorite message?  How is it keeping you stuck in your life?

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Thanks to Passionate Photo for the fear graffiti photo.

Celebrating the Pooh's in Our Life.

Last week I stumbled upon this lovely quote from the Winnie the Pooh books:  "Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?", he whispered.  "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.  "I just wanted to be sure of you."  --AA Milne

It makes me smile every time I read it. So often, we minimize the importance of just BEING with someone, being present to them, holding their hand or sitting next to them on the couch and feeling sure.

On the journey to working and living happier, it is my belief, one of the most important factors is having support people for the trip.  People who we are sure of, who are there for us, and hold our hands.  People who just knowing they are there, makes you feel relaxed and sure about what's next.  This quote reminds us that we don't need to come up with highly intelligent, perfectly thought out advice or even the right motivational quote to be of support.  Sometimes we simply need to know we have people in our lives who will show up and hold our hands.  Someone who will cry with us, check in on us when we have a 'can't get out of bed day' as a friend of mine calls it, and help us stand up after we fall down.  Someone who will whisper "you can do it" when we feel like a failure, sit with us on the couch when we are tired and weary and then do a victory dance over each and every success.

The power of that presence, that bond of complete certitude is so powerful.  Being there for the journey.  I think of when my dad was in the ICU and my mom and I spent the day sitting in his room. There were times when the room would be silent, we weren't talking, laughing or crying, we were just present.   We were sure of him and I know he was sure of us.  Or when my nearest and dearest comes over after a hard day and we sit on the couch together, after sharing our stories of the day, we are just silent, comfortable in the surety of it all.  Or with my friend who calls from out of state to say, "I have had a bad day, no week, no month" And I can just listen to her vent about colds, jobs and stresses and not have to fix a thing.

The reason Pooh and Piglet touch my heart is that they are so sincere, so genuine, so supportive.  Their love for each other is filled with unconditional love and support.  It isn't mired down in competition, one-upping, mis-trust or jealousy.  They are both just 'sure' of each other.

Today I celebrate all the Pooh's in my life who I know are there whether I need a shoulder, a hug or a victory dance.  We all need at least one or two Pooh's in our world.  People who will hold us up when we think we can't keep going, sit with us when we just need to rest and dance with us when we are ready to celebrate.  

Who are your Pooh's?  Who are you sure of?

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Photo courtesy of deviantART.com

The Joy of Being Incomplete

I admit I am a HUGE fan of Alanis Morissette.  Odd since most of her lyrics are anything but happy However,I do love her voice and her lyrics. For me, her music expresses the struggles in dealing with life's ups and downs.  The song "Incomplete" has been on repeat on my ipod for the past few days.

In keeping with the theme of: balancing the ideas of striving for more and gratitude for what we have, I am going to share the song and the lyrics.  I hope it speaks to you as much as it speaks to me. I love how she talks about all that she is striving for and 'one day' will achieve AND how the journey is the amazing rapturous part.  Striving, gratitude, seeking, presence, journeys and contentment are what Working Happier and Living Happier are all about!!




Lyrics:
One day I'll find relief
I'll be arrived and I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends

One day I'll be at peace
I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt<

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat, and I'll know God and I'll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I'll be secure, like the women I see on their 30th anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous and torturous
But never done

One day I will speak freely
I'll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I'll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and whole

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete

What do you love about your life?

Since the theme of this blog is becoming happi-er in our lives and our work I write a lot about change, and making shifts in our lives.  Today, however, I want us to focus on noticing what we already have in our lives that we love.  Maybe it is something as small as sipping your morning coffee, going for an evening walk, eating dinner with your family.  Or maybe it something larger like your house, your partner, your job.  These things both large and small are what make up the blessing of our lives.  Yes, change is good, striving to be the best we can be is awesome.  AND sometimes we (yes, me included) can get so stuck in striving mode we forget to stop and look around at what we actually have in our lives. We forget to acknowledge the blessings, the big and little things that make us smile and laugh.

I admit I get stuck in 'trying to be better' mode quite frequently. Every challenge I lay before you in this blog I challenge myself with.  In fact, one thing I love about myself is my desire to be the best Nancy Jane Smith I can be.  Because that drive is so strong I also need to be brought back to what is important from time to time and remind myself what I truly love about my life.  Yesterday, I had a swift reminder when my dad had an accident with his chainsaw--luckily it sounds worse than it was and he came out of it relatively unscathed.  A mostly superficial wound,  a few stitches and what will be a scar but no loss of limbs or cuts into the muscle.  After they made it home from the hospital and I got the call that all was fine, I took some time to reflect on my life and what it is that I love about it.  And fortunately the list was quite long.  I actually wrote it out, and have it here on my desk.  So as I start striving again and looking forward I have a physical reminder of what I have NOW in my life that I love and am grateful for.

So that is my challenge to you today--don't just answer the question in your head, write it down, share it in the comments, make a list that you can refer to from time to time.  Part of being happier is striving for more and part of being happier is recognizing when we are there.  Today lets basic in the joy of being there, wherever there is for you. Lets let go of the need to be 'better' and embrace the blessings we have now.

What Activities Bring You the Most Energy?

I confess I have been lax on my question of the week blog posts.  So today is another question of the week:  What activities give you the most energy?

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine who was sharing her day and the victory she had experienced as a result of her work with a group she is active in.  She had gone out on a limb and asked an author whom she respected and loved if he would be willing to speak for the group. Yesterday, she actually spoke to the author and he agreed to come to the event.   Now she is responsible for helping organize the event, bring the speaker in, and gather attendees.  To say she was excited would be an understatement, she was thrilled, ecstatic, overjoyed.  Laughingly, she said to me, "You know, you might be on to something with this passion thing bringing you energy, I haven't felt this energetic in months".  We both laughed but she preceded to go on telling me how she had never really seen it in action the idea that doing what makes your heart sing can give you more energy.

I believe it is because we are more in connection with ourselves when we are doing what we love.  We are firing on all cylinders.  We are gathering energy from within and because we are doing what we love, people are responding to us in our external world as well.  Basically the energy is coming from everywhere.  I know the days I am in my office writing and seeing clients I end the day with way more energy then the days I am just catching up on paperwork.  

Along the same vein, I read this wonderful post by Jen Curran on working a job that is just 'good enough'.  She shares her story about her job, that she has now left, that wasn't miserable or painful, but it wasn't giving her energy.  It wasn't adding to her life, it just was.  When you are living from a place that makes your heart sing--life isn't constantly rainbows and sunshine.  However, it IS full of truth, passion and energy.

So I ask you where do you get the most energy?  What activities do you notice you leave with more energy?  What activities do you leave with less?

Back to Basics

I admit the last few days I have not been in a 'live happier' place.  I would even say I have been down right crabby, not feeling well, tired, anxious, sad you name the opposite of happy and I have been feeling it. Today as I sipped my coffee and watched my dog playing in the back yard I reminded myself that part of living happier is occasionally feeling sad.  I believe, it is in these times of contemplation and struggle, that we begin the spiral up process.  These emotions all part of the ying and yang of life.

However, even though there might be a light at the end of the tunnel, these downhill phases of life are a challenge so today I am going back to basics. Back to the simplicity and self care. I am going to offer some tips for taking care of yourself when living happier really seems like an impossible goal.

Do something soothing for yourself. A hot bath (that always seems to be the one suggestion everyone gives when you think of doing something soothing but in reality, I think of that as work, cleaning the tub, getting wet, and sitting in water that only remains hot for a short period of time but if this feels soothing to you rock on!!)  Maybe it is a walk around the block, a really yummy dinner, a good book,  hanging on the couch and watching a good movie or blasting your favorite song on the radio.  Whatever is soothing for you and comforts your soul--engage, enjoy!

Remember this too shall pass.  Frequently when I get stuck in a bad mood my evil negative Nancy comes out and starts hammering me because I am in a bad mood (which SHOCKER! only puts me deeper in a bad mood).  Allow yourself the space to feel whatever you are feeling (without hurting others of course) and give yourself room to have sad, angry, frustrated days from time to time.  From those days come the fun, joyful happy days as well.

Gratitude.  I am a HUGE believer in gratitude.  Even when I am feeling bad I still try to mentally come up with my 5 things in my life for which I am grateful.  Whether it be something as small as the crisp cool weather, or as large as my health, it doesn't matter.  But gratitude soothes the soul and is an excellent repellent to that pesky negative voice.   

Reach out.  Ask for Help.  Yes, sometimes crawling into bed and camping out there for the afternoon sounds like the best plan. And sometimes it is.  But I know for me that when I go against my first reaction which is to isolate myself and I reach out to my friends and family and share my frustration, anger or sadness I tend to feel better.  Even if we don't SOLVE the problem, just knowing we are not alone is a big relief. So call up a friend or family member or even a professional and ask for help.  

So there you have it, my tips for getting through the downhill periods of life.  I would love to hear from you.  How do you handle a bad mood?  What tips would you offer for living happier when you just aren't feeling it?

Hollywood Endings

This past Sunday, my nearest and dearest and I had one of those lovely days of hanging on the couch watching movies.  I am a big believer in checking out from the world every now and then, regaining balance by sleeping in and rejuvenating with a day of nothing.  One of the movies we watched was called Post  Grad.  It is about a woman who has just graduated from college with big dreams for her career.  Basically since high school she has set up a series of career goals she wanted to accomplish.  After college, she runs into a few road blocks and hits a few snags in her great career plan.  In typical movie fashion there was a boy who likes her but she can't 'see' him because she is so blinded by her career goals not moving at the speed she wanted them too.  In the end (Spoiler alert) she leaves her 'dream job' to fly across country and declare her love for the boy that has been there for her  through it all.

I have to admit, I was slightly annoyed by the ending. Yes, the lead character realized she loved the boy who was at law school at Columbia across the country.  And yes, her 'dream' job wasn't quite as dreamy because she was working 60+ hours as an assistant to an editor.  But in reality, if you want to be an editor some day you have to pay your dues in some fashion.  So why must she leave her job and fly across country to be with him.  I believe it is possible to build quality relationships AND have a career you love--maybe not all at the same time, but it is possible.  

Ok, I get it.  It is hollywood, it is a hollywood ending but these types of movies DRIVE ME CRAZY!!!  Life isn't that easy, it isn't just a series of black and white decisions.  I would love to see what happens next.  What happens the morning after when she wakes up in New York City and her boyfriend goes off to his classes at Columbia law school and she does what!?  Lives where?!  Yes, she has the love of a good man, but she had no job, no house, nothing.

The reason for her decision to fly across the country was hinged on one quote from a friend of her's who said:   "what you do with your life is only half the equation, more importantly it is who you are doing it with". AMEN  I love that quote!  However, I don't love that it inspired her to up and leave everything for the love of a boy.  Much of what I fight in my practice is the idea of black and white thinking.  I can have my dream job OR someone that supports me.  I can make good money OR I can love my job.  I can be happy OR I can have stability.

Life isn't either/or, life is a big gray mix of stuff. As I laid in bed on Sunday night, in my mind I re-wrote the ending.  Alternate Ending:  She calls the boy and expresses her feelings, they have an actual conversation about where they are in life and what they are feeling.  She takes time off from her work and then flies out to see him where he shows her around NYC and then she flies home and they begin to negotiate/determine whether or not a long distance relationship would work.  Maybe he transfers to law school in LA or she transfers from her job to work in NYC.  Regardless, no one is giving up on a dream, no one is losing the love of their lives.  They are talking, negotiating, thinking out of the box and creatively coming up with a solution.

Life is about balancing our careers and our relationships. It is about working AND living happier.  It is about making big life changing decisions, living our dreams AND looking at the practical side of life.  This movie bothers me because it perpetuates the myth (especially for women) that we have to choose between having quality relationships or a career.  And I believe we don't.  We can find work we love, live a life that is full of passion and purpose and have people who support us and who we care about.

What do you think?  Do we have to choose between happiness in our career or happiness in our personal life?