Live Happier QA: Any tips for dealing with my anxiety?

Today's we are doing Live Happier QA a little different.  Last week I answered Beth's question about passing on anxiety to your kids.  Beth emailed me this week and said:

"Thanks for the answer, we have implemented some of your tips.  Now, how can I reduce my own anxiety? Any tips?"

Absolutely!!  I have tips!!  So I decided to push Beth's follow-up question up to the front of the line and do a Part 2 to the whole anxiety issue.

Anxiety, is something I deal with in my own life and definitely something I help clients with.

Check out my answer to Beth's question below and the easy, quick ways to help decrease anxiety.  Just a heads up, overcoming anxiety is a process so be patient with yourself in implementing these tips.

What about you? How does anxiety play a role in your life?  Have you noticed this problem in your own world?  How do you deal with your anxiety?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 
For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

Cookie Cutter Land

If you have ever watched the show Weeds, you have heard the song "Little Boxes" this song epitomizes the idea of cookie cutter loves--check out the video below.Or if you are watching this via email--check it out here.


Thanks to BeautifulDay for the clever video of Ticky Tacky.

This song always makes me smile, because it is so true.  On one hand as humans we love similarity, sameness, consistency.  We love having a plan, knowing the next steps, having the path laid out in front of us.  We want to know school, career, marriage, house, kids. There can be a switch up to the order of that--but what if things don't fall in that order? Or what if they do and you still aren't happy?

Cookie Cutter Land means we have in a sense, given up on really paying attention to our own values, wants and needs and have swallowed whole the social norms of life.  So rather than living a life based on our own inspiration, ideas and thoughts we have just followed what everyone else is doing. Now don't get me wrong, we all need guidance, a little cookie cutter, in my opinion, is a good thing.  It gives us a direction. Provides us with a starting point and even an end goal.  The issue for me is that a cookie cutter life, by it's very nature does not have differences.  It does not allow for growth or change.  To live in Cookie Cutter Land means we are stuck in a sort of quick sand of expectations, pressure and outside direction. When we live in Cookie Cutter Land we can get stuck in anxiety, driven by to-do lists and 'shoulds', we miss the joy of life.  We miss the fun because we are always chasing the carrot that some magical baker in the sky told us we could get (but he just keeps moving it) and to be honest, we don't even know who this baker is or why we put him in charge. 

So what can you do if you wake up one day and realize you are living or dangerously close to a Cookie Cutter Life?

As you have heard me say.  Awareness is ALWAYS the first step. So just pay attention to your life.
What do you like about it? If I were to observe your life would I see your unique style? In what areas, have you bought the idea that other people know better than you?  Where do you regret letting go of your unique ideas and replacing them with other people's ideas?

Look back at you at a younger age.  For many of us when we were in high school or college we were celebrating our uniqueness.  We found a group of people who accepted us and it was ok that we were passionate, excited and ready to change the world.  Who were you then? What were you excited about?  Is that excitement/passion still there? How can you add it into your life?

 When you look at your life right now--what do you value?  For many people, this is a tough question. But I believe it is the first step to figuring out what you want your life too look like.  When you know what you value you aren't as likely to get caught up in what people tell you that you SHOULD value.  You can make decisions about your life and the direction you want to take it.Need help naming your values? Sign up to get a free copy of my Live Happier 101 Mini Course to get started.

One of my missions is to help those people who are tired of having a Cookie Cutter Life--who want to reconnect with themselves and live a life that is true to who they are--who want to Live Happier.  I too got stuck in Cookie Cutter land, but fortunately was able to break free.  My life looks traditional-house in the suburbs, dog, cat, husband.  But it is uniquely mine.  You don't have to sell your house, leave your family and move to a commune to break free from Cookie Cutter Land.  You just have to live a life that is true to who you are.

How to Stop Running into Gunfire

Last week someone posted the quote above on Facebook and it made me smile.  We all have people in our lives who no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we explain, no matter how nice, clever, perceptive we are they just don't get it.  You know the friend, parent or co-worker who just can't be happy for you, who never has a kind word to say who is hyper-judgmental and even down right cruel.  They are MAJOR energy drains who leave us feeling exhausted, beaten down and criticized. And yet, we keep going back.  We keep sharing our heart and soul with them.  We keep HOPING this time maybe they will hear us and support us.

Here are some common 'lies' we tell ourselves, that keep us, as a client so eloquently said "running into the gunfire"

Lie: "I can fix it." If I am empathetic enough, supportive enough or understanding enough I can help them be less cruel.  I can help them feel less like a victim and more empowered.  I can do it.
Bottom line:  You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.  We are all responsible for our own stuff.  So it doesn't matter how lovely you are to someone, if they don't want to be helped and meet your love with anger and cruelty every time it just isn't worth it. Not to say you shouldn't be compassionate with other people.  You can be compassionate and have strong boundaries.

Lie: "If only I explain it right they will get it." Here the belief is that it isn't that they just can't hear us, it is that we aren't explaining it correctly.  This lie can be especially damaging because it makes us believe there is something wrong with us.  It makes us think that at our core, we are the one's who are doing something wrong and on some level we deserve the cruelty or the criticism.
Bottom line:  There is nothing wrong with you!!  You NEVER deserve to be criticized, demeaned or judged. PERIOD.  Let me say that again.  You NEVER deserve to be criticized, demeaned or judged. PERIOD. You deserve to be around people who love you, support you and when they don't get it--ask for clarification in a loving way.

Lie: "Why don't they get it, maybe if we talk it out more I can understand them better."  The heart of this lie is the need to understand, why they are acting that way.  Why are they being judgmental?  How can they be so cruel?  So we keep going back for more punishment in a quest to understand why because MAYBE once we understand why we can change them.
Bottom line: Don't  get stuck in trying to understand.  It is wonderful to have curiosity around people and try to understand their behavior. But when that process, requires us to continue to run into gunfire just for the sake of curiosity...that is suicidal.  You can have curiosity from a distance.  Yes, they might have had a crappy childhood, or maybe they are in a dead-end marriage AND that doesn't give them carte blanche to treat everyone like dirt.

Why lie do you relate to?  Are there other lies you tell yourself to keep engaging with people who drain you and belittle you?

Overall Bottom line:  You never have to justify, prove or defend your behavior to anyone.  You deserve to be surrounded by people who lift you up and add to your life.  It is ok to draw boundaries;  to say no;  to only share minimal details; to protect yourself from people who's main job it has been to tear you down.  And eventually, if they prove that they can do it better, it is ok to let them back into your life.

Live Happier QA: Help! I am passing on my anxiety to my kids

Today's Live Happier QA is from Beth and she asks;

"Help!  I struggle from anxiety and I have noticed I am passing it on to my little girls.  How do I stop this from happening?"

Anxiety in woman is a chronic problem!  When we are obsessed with our to-do lists and get caught up in rush, rush, rush we easily can pass this pattern on to our kids.

Check out my answer to Beth's question below and the easy, quick ways to help stop this pattern.

What about you? How does anxiety play a role in your life?  Have you noticed this problem in your own world?  How do you deal with your anxiety?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 
Live Happier QA I am passing my anxiety on to my kids. from Nancy Jane Smith on Vimeo.

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!

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It is in you.

I love this quote by Helen Keller.  Every time I read the quote I think about  Helen Keller, unable to hear or speak, in many ways, for a long time, she was all she had.  Her internal voice was all there was to guide her and clearly she still struggled with listening to it.

We on the other hand are inundated with messages.
Buy this.
Look like this.
Do this.
Be this.

We are sold that if we achieve this level of success, buy this car, live in this neighborhood, achieve this award, attend this event we will be something: happier, more content, less anxious.  The sense is once we accomplish THIS we will arrive, the heavens will open and confetti will rain down from the sky.

We all know this NOT to be true.  We all know that what inevitably happens is that THIS moves. Whatever we were chasing once we achieve it will be quickly replaced with the next THIS.  It is as if we are participating in the high jump and after each successful jump the stick just gets moved up to the next rung.  So we NEVER fully succeed and what we are left with is a deep, unending ache.  A hunger that never gets filled.

So what if today we started looking internal?  We noticed all the things we are striving for and we ask ourselves--where did this come from?  Is this an external or an internal message?

I use this all the time in my own life.  I have many things I am striving for a healthy, supportive marriage, loving relationships with my friends and family, and a thriving, genuine business. Those are my internal motivators but every now and then I get caught up in my external measuring sticks.

I hear the message--if you made THIS much money you would be a success, if you had kids then you would be happy, if you owned this house or took this vacation you would be content.  Each new measuring stick I have to exam and look at and ask--is this coming from ME or an external message?  More often than not it is an external message.

 Because my internal messages are honestly pretty simple and deal with the themes of health, support, love, and authenticity. AND most importantly my internal messages don't have a measuring stick, they don't have a finish line, they have a feeling, a concept and they involve a process.  My external input convinces me that someday I will be done and that there is a finish line.  The truth?  You will never be done.  Even when you hit the proverbial finish line.  So let's stop looking externally and believing the lie of success and let's follow Helen Keller's advice--it is in you.

Getting Out of the Busy.

Go go go.  It is a plague on our culture--the need to go go go.  The ideas of weekends of nothing, letting our kids play hours on end or time to 'just be' is a foreign concept to many of us.    From the times we wake up to the time we go to bed we are on the move.  We are busy, our kids are busy, we have become a culture of busy.  Some of that busy is awesome. It allows us to feed our interests, explore new ideas, to grow and change.  Some of that busy is dangerous.  It keeps us from re-connecting with ourselves and our families and it keeps us stuck in perpetual motion so we are in a constant state of stress and anxiety.

Of course, there are radical ways to shift our busy lifestyles.  Stopping everything or adopting a minimalist lifestyle.  I am more of a slight shifter than a radical shifter--so here are some relatively simple, easy, non-radical ways of shifting your busy, busy, busy lifestyles.  When we shift the busy we can relax a bit, get back in touch with ourselves again and learn what matters most.

Commit to eating a certain number of meals together as a family.  This can be dinners during the week or weekend brunches, it doesn't matter.  But commit to eating a certain number of dinners as a family.  And TALK to each other. Talk about your day, play a word association game, have fun.

Implement a family night.  One night a month where you just have fun.  Maybe it is playing WI or  Monopoly, maybe it is watching a movie while eating homemade ice cream sundaes. Just join together as a family and engage with each other.  Laugh and have fun.

Plan free time.  Yep, you read correctly. Plan some time that is unscheduled, unaccounted for and free.  Allow yourself, your kids, your spouse to do whatever they want in this time.  Give yourself time to just be.

Take Stock.  Before you take on another 'to-do' ask yourself or your kids Do I really want to do this activity?  What will I gain from this activity?  What will I lose by engaging in this activity?

Do something different.  Get out of your busy, busy, busy pattern.  Take a different way to work or school. Experiment with a new food, order something different at the coffee shop or try a different workout.

Give Back.  One of the dangers of being busy is you get too caught up in yourself.  Figure out a cause where you can give back.  Cleaning out your closets, donating food, feeding the homeless etc.

Any other ideas you have for getting out of the busy?  How does being busy help or hurt you?

Live Happier QA: Accepting Compliments and Praise

Today's Live Happier QA is from Melanie and she asks;

"Do you have any tips for how to become more skilled at accepting compliments or praise?"

I believe deflecting or dismissing compliments hurts our ability to live happier for 2 reasons:

1. it cuts us off from the person offering the compliment
2. it is usually a sign we are feeling unworthy or undeserving of positive reinforcement.

Check out my answer to Melanie's question below.

What about you? Do you have problems with accepting compliments?  Is it something you have gotten more skilled at?  How?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 
Live Happier QA Accepting a Compliment from Nancy Jane Smith on Vimeo.

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!

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Maybe, It's Not all About You

As a kid I use to love the show Three's Company, if you have ever watched it (and I know I am dating myself here) every show is pretty much built around their being some sort of misunderstanding.  That misunderstanding tends to be around someone overhearing something and taking it wrong, and thinking it is all about them. Many of the great comedy shows are built up on the idea that most of us as human, think most stuff is all about us and because of that tendency, misunderstandings occur rather easily.

For whatever reason our tendency is to believe that everything is about us.  Your partner wakes up in a bad mood and we think we did something wrong.  We hear someone talking about 'him or her' on the phone and we think it is about us.  Someone honks their horn and we look around to see if we did something wrong.  It is a human tendency to believe the world is all about us--sounds selfish or self centered but in reality for many people it is more of a shame based tendency.  We assume we did something wrong because at our core we believe there is something fundamentally wrong with us so of course if something goes wrong, if someone is annoyed, if there is a problem more than likely it is us.

While this misunderstanding can be very funny in comedy writing--it can be very painful in every day life.  So here are some easy ways to overcome "It's all about me syndrome":

Check it out.  Ask yours spouse if he/she is upset with you or if you did something wrong.  Clarify with your co-worker, if they are annoyed with you.  When you can, verify if what you are seeing/feeling/hearing is truly about you.

The rule of 3. This is one of my favorites. If you can't clarify then come up with 3 other reasons that person might be upset, ignoring you or talking about you.  For example, you are at work and a co-worker who usually stops in your office first thing in the morning, just walks right by without saying anything.  Stop and think of 3 reasons that have nothing to do with you that that behavior occurred. 1. They are late for a meeting  2. They are upset about an argument with their wife 3.  They they just got reprimanded for talking too much.

Simply remind yourself 'it isn't all about me'.  I use this tip frequently to remind myself that I am thinking my personal power to control the world is a bit out of whack.  I am not responsible for everything int he world.  If someone is upset with me and I am unaware, it is their responsibility to let me know they are upset. I don't have to be a mind reader and take care of everyone and everything in the world.

Do you deal with this syndrome?  How do you overcome it?  What are some tips and tricks you have?  Where has this type of misunderstanding affected your life?

The Work of Shame

Much of my work revolves around shame, both my personal work and my work with clients.  Many people use the term guilt--'I feel guilty all the time' when in actuality they feel shame.  According to Brene Brown, a leading research on shame, there is a big difference between shame and guilt.  Shame means "I am bad" where as guilt means "I did something bad".  Doing something bad is a lot easier to change and grow from than just innately being bad.

So for example, you pick up the kids late because you got stuck in traffic and rather than saying to yourself I messed up and apologizing to your kids; you end up in a downward shame spiral telling yourself what a terrible parent you are because you picked your kids up late.  And by the time you are done you are telling yourself that your kids are going to be permanently damaged because of you, you are a terrible driver and you are just an awful human being all together--all just because you picked the kids up late.

There are a number of people who have shame as the primary emotion in life.  The littlest thing can go wrong and they are washed over with shame, telling themselves what a terrible person they are and how they are innately evil and unworthy. The scary part is that this shame is normalized in our society.  We shame ourselves, we shame other people, we shame our kids. Anytime we send the message you are a bad person not you did something bad we are sending shame.  Feeling shame is something that isolates us and disconnects us from ourselves and other people.  When we are on a shame cycle we are feeling small and insignificant.

The number one way to diminish shame in your life is to recognize when it shows up for you and how it feels. Then pay attention to your shame triggers. Finally, speak your shame out loud to other people who can safely handle it.

What are activities/people who are especially good at shaming me?
What do I do when I feel shame?  Where do I feel it in my body?
Who are safe people that you I share with when I am feeling shame?

Want to learn more about shame?  Check out this video from Brene Brown on Shame.
Defining Shame from Brené Brown on Vimeo.

Live Happier QA: How to stop saying yes, when you mean no.

Live Happier QA is back!!  I took a few months off--but I had so many good questions that needed to be answered so here we go!! Today's Live Happier QA is from Christina and she asks;

"I am already over-booked, but I have a hard time saying no to people, any thoughts?"

Saying no is something we were not taught to do, in fact for many of us we were told it was rude and unmannerly.

Learning how to say no can be very freeing. Check out my simple trick for learning how to say no.

What about you? Do you have any tips or tricks for saying no with grace and ease?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email. For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

 Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Have a question you are curious about? 

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!

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Make your Own Rules.

Rules. We all have them.

Rules about raising our kids; how to discipline and when to discipline.
Rules about being a good person; how we should feel, what we should be doing.
Rules about success; how to achieve it; what it looks like.
Rules about dieting; what to eat, when to eat, how much to eat.
Rules about happiness;  how it is defined, what it is defined as and how you can achieve it.
Rules about sleep; how to sleep, how much to sleep, when to sleep.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not talking about laws or guidelines established for our safety and the safety of others.  I am talking about the daily "how to's" we unconsciously follow about the 'right ' way to live our lives.  The point is I want you to start thinking about all the rules you have in your life.  And then I want you to ask yourself a few questions:

Who made up these rules?  Maybe it was your parents, your teachers, world leaders or leading experts.  Regardless someone external from you made the rules.

Why do you follow these rules?  And admittedly this is a TOUGH question to answer.  Because usually the answer is something like:  it's easier, so and so told me to, I don't have to think if I just follow the rules.

Do these rules apply to your life? 

Do these rules enhance your life? 

Do they make it easier, more efficient, happier?  Or do they just burden you unnecessarily?

If you really started paying attention to the 'rules' you follow the 'social norms', how many of them do you really agree with?  How many of them make you a better person?

As you move through the upcoming weeks--pay attention to your stress level and notice when you are stressed because you aren't living up to some 'rule'. Then ask yourself, "who's rule is this?" and run through the questions above. The rules that serve you and improve your life you want to keep, the other ones, work on letting them go and adding in your own rules.  

It is your life. Your Rules. The ones that don't serve you Let Them Go.

The Why Doesn't Always Matter

If you are a regular reader of my blog, you know, one of my favorite concepts is curiosity.  I fully and whole heartedly believe the world doesn't have enough curiosity.  Curiosity about behaviors, thoughts, emotions and other people.  We are too filled with judgement, shame, or guilt and we miss the very important elements of just being curious.  Curiosity is an amazing freeing concept.

HOWEVER, and this is where I am branching a bit.  Sometimes rather than being a freeing concept curiosity can become a practice of justifying and judgment.  I notice it a lot with myself and my clients who have the habit of justifying their stress.

Let's take Mindy.

Mindy wakes up feeling stressed and she immediately gets curious--why am I feeling this way today.  And she precedes to list of all the possible contributors:

I have a big meeting tomorrow and I am worried about it; 

my husband and I had a disagreement last night;

I wasn't as present to the kids as I should have been; 

lately I have done a lousy job of work life balance.  

Mindy does an excellent job of being curious.  Obviously, Mindy has a lot of reasons to be stressed.  It is in the next phase that things get sticky.  Mindy, does one of two things.

1. She starts beating herself up because she really doesn't have that much on her plate, she has 'privilege people problems' and she should be more grateful.  OR 
2. She immediately picks up the stress of the work meeting, and her feeling like a lousy wife and mother and heads out the door feeling worse than she did when she woke up.  

The key part that is missing, in Mindy's curiosity about her stress, is curiosity around how to give back to herself.   The curiosity around why am I stressed is an exercise not of justification.  It isn't a test to see "is my life worthy of this feeling" but rather an acknowledgement of the feeling and the factors that might be contributing to it.  Mindy missed the key part of following her stress litany with a pause, a few deep breaths, and then getting curious about what might help her ease her stress.  Asking herself what can I add into my life today that will give me some self love, that will fill up my bucket again.  No judgement, no shame, just acceptance.

What I have found is the second step gets missed quite frequently (I am guilty of it myself).  So last week I decided to practice skipping the first step, skipping the why. I woke up and felt stressed and I didn't go into my normal litany (similar to Mindy's) I didn't have any curiosity about what was behind the stress.  I just noticed the stress.  Took a couple deep breaths, put my hands on my heart and kept repeating to myself, "You are ok right where you are".  Then after a few moments, I would ask what could I do to ease the stress, make a cup of tea, go for a walk, call a friend etc. Throughout the week I practiced just giving myself acceptance where I was and curiosity if anything could be added.  And I felt better.  It was amazingly freeing to not get stuck in justification to not go through the why.

So if you are someone who knows you get stuck in the why and rather than experiencing freedom you are experiencing shame or guilt.  Trying skipping the why and moving right to acceptance.

Can you relate?  Do you get stuck in the why?