Putting on Your Big Girl Pants

Sometimes in life we find ourselves at a spot where we realize we need to put on our 'big girl pants'--we need to step up, take an action, make a change. I had a client who came into see me because she was at a crossroads in both her relationship and her career. During our sessions, it became apparent that over the past few years she had been floating through life--allowing her partner to take care of her, allowing her job to just exist, she wasn't really actively engaged in her life.

Unfortunately, I frequently find that in my practice--women who have given up on their lives either out of fear, numbness, or have just been beaten down enough that they have lost their energy to engage. Over our sessions she began to get more and more empowered, figuring out what she needed/desired, what direction she wanted her life to take. Finally it became obvious that she need to make some changes in her life--needed to start implementing her desires and needs. After much discussion about what she wanted to do and how to do it she turned to me and said "You know what I just need to put on my big girl pants and get out there". I loved that expression! She was right--we used that analogy a lot in her sessions and I continue to use it with my clients. I absolutely love the power of analogy. Frequently in my sessions, I will use a symbol or a story to help illustrate a challenging topic and this was the perfect analogy!

At first her big girl pants were uncomfortable and didn't fit right and then eventually she got use to them. She got use to asking for what we need, living her life intentionally based on her own expectations not someone else's. So over the next few weeks she kept trying on her big girl pants and you could see the energy in her change. Each week she would come into my office and would share a story of when she had her big girl pants on and what she had done. And we would talk about the difference between the times she was wearing her big girl pants and the times she wasn't. Eventually she began to feel that difference of when she was acting from her big girl place and when she was acting from her little girl place She could tell the insecure, scared part of her--her little girl-- "you know what I got this--I can take care of you, I can speak my needs and be a grown up."

Finally at one of our last sessions she said to me "you know I came in wearing my little girl dress and now I am wearing big girl pants". So true! She made some major life changes during out time together and came out living a life that she wanted and that fed her soul. She was totally living happier!!!

Even in myself I notice when I start acting anxious, insecure, doubtful, scared that I have put on my little girl dress and I remind myself I am a big girl. I give my little girl (my insecurities and doubts) and quick hug, put on my big girl pants and say "I got this".

Where in your life are you still wearing your little girl clothes?

Live Happier Tip: Get out of your comfort zone

Lately I have been trying to market my practice more both on-line (by writing more blog posts) and within the community. In keeping with this effort, last night I went to my first networking event. For the record I am not a big fan of networking--I am a bit of an introvert (but admit I fake extrovert well) so I find these events doubly exhausting one because I am talking to a group of strangers and two because I am selling myself and my services. Before the event I thought of every reason possible why I didn't have to go, I was tired, it was a long day, I wouldn't REALLY make any connections etc. But I had committed to myself and to my fabulous marketing coach, Michelle Barry Franco, that I would attend this networking event. So I did--and it was hard and stressful and I had a lot of insecurities and self doubt creep up. AND I met some really great women and made some helpful connections. As I was driving home, I felt a feeling of giddiness and I realized that I what I most enjoyed about the evening was getting out of my comfort zone!! It was a bit exhilarating to try something different and challenging and stretch myself. From time to time I can get stuck in a rut--stuck in my safe place. Last night reminded me of the freedom that comes from challenging myself to try new things.

It doesn't have to be facing a major fear it just has to be stretching your comfort zone. Maybe turning off the TV (if you watch it every night), going for a run or a walk, saying hi to a new co-worker, trying a different way to work, or joining a new organization. There are a million ways to get out of our comfort zones--get out of our ruts. It is helpful to branch out, you will be amazed how trying one new thing can open you up to new possibilities and help you live happier. What are some ideas you have for stretching your comfort zone? Please Share!

Swimming Pace and Happiness

I am learning how to swim. Even though I grew up with a pool, I never really learned how to swim using the correct strokes. So I thought I would get off the treadmill and get in the pool! I have taken about 6 lessons and probably swim once a week. Currently. I am trying to perfect my freestyle stroke. My instructor has been working with me on increasing my endurance and being able to swim longer. Last week he had me swim 75 meters--without stopping. So the length of the pool 3 times! Me being me I swam as fast as I could for the 3 laps because I was so afraid I wasn't going to be able to do it. By the time I got to the edge I was exhausted. When I reached the edge he said "did you enjoy that?" And I said NO--that was awful--and he said of course because you were just trying to finish it you weren't enjoying the challenge. Then he explained to me his philosophy about swimming "it isn't about the destination or getting it done it is about enjoying the strokes and just having fun with it". "If you slow down your pace you can go further and might actually enjoy it!!"

Wow--who would have thought swimming could be such a great analogy for life--and happiness! Frequently we go at break neck pace trying to get somewhere or figure something out and then we finish the day, week, month totally exhausted. Rather than just enjoy the pace.

For the rest of my practice time I tried to slow my pace--I admit it was new, it was frustrating, it was a challenge. But it was also more fun--I wasn't dying at the end of each lap, I was able to swim continuously, and I was aware of my strokes. I finally began to see swimming not as this awful sport that hurts my lungs but as a sport that when done correctly uses my whole body and allows me to glide through the water. Since I wasn't so focused on being exhausted I could enjoy myself. This is true with life--when we slow our pace we can focus on the things that really matter and maybe even glide for awhile. Try it--slow your pace and see what happens.

New Research: Optimists Live Longer

Here is an interesting article: Do Optimists Live Longer

There has been a lot of research done in the past few years stating that optimistic people live longer, are happier and generally have better lives. These studies increasingly show the power of the mind, body, spirit connection. It is becoming harder to deny that those three areas are linked.

However, I admit, I struggle with this research--not because I don't believe it or because I think it is wrong but because being optimistic for some people can challenging. When I read this article my first inclination is just to decide ok today I am going to be happy for the sake of my health I am going to switch my mindset and be happy. Ah if only it were that easy.

I am an optimistic person most of the time (Ok probably more like a cheery Eeyore as my friends call me--an upbeat realist)--but there are days when I admit this stuff is hard. Where does optimism come from? Is it something you are born with? Is it something you can learn? As with everything it is a combination of both--I have watched my father the worlds biggest pessimist become more of an optimist as he enters his 70s. So it is possible to change. However, that change comes over time--and not just by saying OK today I am going to be an optimist.

That change comes in little every day decisions. Changing our perspectives, reframing our stories. Great example. This morning I was walking my dog--it is hot and humid here in Ohio. For those of you not familiar with midwestern humidity it is like walking into a steam room the minute you walk outside. As I was walking my dog I noticed my self talk "ugh-I am tired, it is hot, I am sweating, I need my coffee, I want to get home" and then I thought--wait a minute let's reframe. Instead of looking at all the negatives around walking the dog let me try to find all the positives and then I thought to myself "wow I get to walk my dog, I get to see the joy on her face as she trots along, I get to move my body and see the changes in my neighborhood, I get to greet people and say Hi, I get to be outside (even if it is REALLY HUMID" And I noticed my posture was better, there was a spring in my step--I just felt better. That, my friend, is how you slowly become an optimist. It is changing your perspective from I HAVE TO to I GET TO.

Pay attention to those negative thoughts and start reframing them to positive ones. No, it isn't as easy as bam I want to become an optimist. But research shows that the work of switching our thoughts not only will help us live longer--but will help us enjoy the years we are living!

It is true: Assume makes an ass of u and me

As a child one of my dad's favorite sayings was 'assume makes an ass of you and me'. Perhaps that is why I am such a clarifier as adult.

Last week I was working with a client who suffers from anxiety. One of her biggest complaints is that her anxiety increases and she gets her feelings hurt when she has an expectation for someone and they don't follow through/meet her expectation. During the session she stated that she rarely is honest with people about what she needs. Frequently she wants to be seen as the 'laid back' chill person when really she is someone who has pretty precise expectations when it comes to time and deadlines. The problem comes when she doesn't state these expectations to her friends/co-workers and they, ASSUMING that she is laid back and chill don't hit her expectations and then she becomes hurt and lashes out and they are confused.

I have noticed this in my own life--where I wanted to be perceived one way and tried to change myself to fit that image. So I didn't share my needs with significant people and ASSUMED they would mind read what I wanted/needed. And unfortunately that doesn't happen (oh wouldn't it be wonderful if it did).

So basically there are 2 problems here which I think create increased anxiety. One: We need to be accepting of ourselves. We can't all be super laid back. There are people in the world who like to hit deadlines, who need to be timely. These are valuable, necessary talents. When we accept ourselves for who we are and stop pretending anxiety naturally decreases because we are living genuinely.

Two: We need to be honest with ourselves and other people about what we need. We can't ASSUME or expect them to become mind readers. We need to tell them what we need, what our deadlines are etc. Yes, initially this might increase anxiety because it is a new muscle we are stretching. But I promise if you put away the crystal ball and start to eliminate the desire to ASSUME your life will become much happier!!

The power of breathing

One thing I always encourage my clients to do is breathe. Yes--I know it is something we do naturally. But how often do you really pay attention to your breath? Really take a big belly breath where you fill your lungs to full capacity?!?! I am constantly amazed that the practice of pausing and taking 3 deep belly breaths can dramatically change my demeanor--It can take me from a level 10 stress down to a level 3--it can help me feel more centered and aware.

Frequently the idea to take 3 deep breaths is completely foreign to us. One of the best ways I have found to increase awareness around my breath is to add a breathing ritual into my day. Rituals help me become more aware of when I need to breathe. I encourage my clients to take 3 deep breaths whenever they are at a stop sign, or whenever they sit down at their desk, or before they walk in the door to their house. By having specific times of the day when you take 3 deep breaths who become more aware of how your body is feeling--then you will notice more readily when you need to take deep breaths throughout the day. Try it--I promise it will make a difference in decreasing your anxiety and helping you live happier.