A Little Tongue and Cheek: My 3 Steps to Happiness

Last week I did a video post on the dangers of the 3 step plans to find happiness and that Living Happier is MUCH more detailed then merely following a 3 step plan. Since then,  I have been thinking about what my 3 step plan would be if I could wave a magic wand and make it so--the 3 steps, the 3 magic things you need to do and BAMMO--SHAZAM we would all be happy.

So for kicks and giggles here we go. My 3 step plan.

1.  Be kind.  Be kind to yourself. Be kind to other people.
2. Be Curious.  Question, yourself, question those around you, question your stories question your perceptions and be curious about others same stores and perceptions.
3. Be Vulnerable. Share when  you are lost, open up when you are feeling scared--as Dr. Brene Brown a leading researcher on shame says--the only way to end shame is to share it .

Ok now for the real kicks and giggles lets go back and REALLY look at what these mean.

1. Be kind.  When you are tired, cranky, come home at the end of the day and want to curl in a ball and not deal with one more thing,be kind to your family.  When someone cuts in front of you in line, when traffic gets backed up and you are frustrated, be kind.  When you are frustrated with yourself, discouraged, fearful, feeling 'less then' be kind.  In your day to day life, when you are tired, cranky, depressed, just DONE be kind.

2. Be Curious.  In the middle of an argument with significant other, stop and see it from their perspective.  When your boss is driving you CRAZY have some curiosity about what is going on in their life right now.  When you have engaged in the same self defeating pattern for the 100th time, be curious as to why, look within and see what is behind that behavior.

3. Be Vulnerable.  When you are feeling your most scared, conflicted and raw, call a close, trusted friend and tell them your fears. When you are in the midst of an argument, guns blazing, feeling all types of fired up, remind yourself that true intimacy and true courage comes from vulnerability.  Resolving a conflict is done when you can share your vulnerabilities about what is REALLY going on.

My point being, it is easy to talk in generalities, easy to spout what needs to be done, how to live happier. It is also easy to read it and think, yep, she is on to something I should do that.  The challenge comes in DOING it, on a daily basis. My issue isn't so much in giving 3 or even 10 ways to be happier--my issues comes in saying do these EASY steps and you will achieve happiness, you will be done.   It isn't 3 easy steps--it is a million easy steps taken each day, each minute.  It is being intentional about your life,  engaging in the journey, forgiving yourself and others when it doesn't go perfectly, and enjoying the ride!!

What would you add?  What are the 3 easy steps to Living Happier for you?

Dealing with the What If's

A common question in my office starts with What if?  What if I fail, what if I don't get the job, what if I don't get into school?  What if I don't like the career once I get out of school?  What if's are a part of life, and for those of us who struggle with anxiety they are a very real part of life.  We can what if ourselves to death, worrying about life, career, family, friends etc.

The What if scenario is a trapping of the Fear Monger. It is designed to 'trick' us into thinking we are begin vigilant, safety conscious and deliberate in our life path.  When in reality, what if's play there in a on-going tape of trappedness and non-movement.  If we are always in the what if mode we will never make a decision on career, we won't call anyone to set up networking meeting or do an informational interview, we won't research grad schools or look at new employers.  We will be trapped in the what if scenario.  Because what if's are irrational, rationality won't work--they are never ending.

For example let's say you are trying to decide between 2 careers and you need to do some research in order to gather more information.  Your what if's might go like this.
What if I call that guy to do an informational interview and he thinks I am an idiot?
What if he says no?
What if I hate the job as I am observing it?
What if I make a mistake?
What if I don't get into grad school?
What if I do and I flunk out?
What if I finish with straight A's and hate my new career?
What if I regret ever going to grad school?

ON and ON and ON these messages play.  Keeping us trapped in non-decision vs taking one baby step in a direction that MIGHT be incorrect.  As with any fear monger messages I have found it best when we can be conscious of them, just aware that they are playing there in a what if game.  SOMETIMES it helps to engage them with rational arguments, but usually for every rational argument there are 5 more what if's too follow.

Recently I had a stressful health scare with a family member, we were 'on edge' for a few days not knowing what would happen next and the what if's were flying through my head.  I was losing sleep and living in a state of stress and panic.  I caught myself in the what if spiral and said out loud "STOP" what's the worse that can happen--as I laid out the worst case scenario I thought ok, if that happens, I can handle it I can move forward, I can ask for help, I can make new decisions and take one step at a time.  We will handle it no matter what, even if we handle it poorly at first.  When I was able to see that the worst case was manageable, not ideal but there was action that we could take,  it took away the power of all the other what ifs.  Later, when I would catch them playing there I would say merely say to myself  "stop this--I got it" and place my hands over my heart in a way to symbolize acknowledge both my fear and my strength.  The what ifs do the most damage when they are unconscious, when we aren't acknowledging them because before we know it we can be in a full blown panic.  So pay attention, what are your what ifs telling you, what are they keeping you from, what are they holding you back from doing.

Thanks to Zylenia for the quote pic!

Embracing the Hippy Dippy

Recently I spoke at a conference for an MBA program.The theme of the conference was "Chart Your Course" and even though I was scheduled to speak after lunch, I decided to attend the whole day's events.   The day was filled with entrepreneurs and women executives who were telling their story of success, the trial and tribulations of their 'course'.  When asked what was one of the keys to her success one of the entrepreneurs a well known restauranteur  n Columbus answered by saying "At the risk of being hippy dippy I would say I figure out my own stuff, read a lot of self help books, went to counseling and figured out how to get out of my own way".  The attendees chuckled with her but overall looked a bit confused at this bit of advice.

As the day progressed I became more and more stressed about my talk, yes I am a Career Counselor but not in the traditional sense of the word.  My talk was on energy in vs energy out, naming your values, understanding your passions and facing your fears.  It wasn't a traditional 'what are your strengths' what are your weakness', 'here's how to sell yourself to a potential employer' type topics.

During lunch I leaned over to the woman who had invited me to speak, someone who had worked with me in the past and knew my style and said "I am nervous that I am going to be too hippy dippy for this group." "Oh no", she said, "That's why you are here, we NEED a little hippy dippy, we have the traditional stuff we need the stuff no one is talking about."  She then preceded to go to the mic to introduce me.  During the introduction, she explained to the group that when she first started working with me she had been reluctant to face her 'hippy dippy' side but in reality, once she embraced that part of her the real change occurred.

At the end of the talk, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came up to tell me how nervous they were for the hippy dippy stuff, how they didn't really want to deal with that part of it all and didn't understand why it was important in the first place.   However, they left with new insights and completely new ways of looking at their career and their life.

One of the reasons I wanted to become a career counselor was to change the perception that career counseling was solely about strengths, weaknesses, resumes and selling yourself.  Finding a career or doing work that makes your heart sing requires some of that hippy dippy stuff.  It requires soul searching and exploration. It requires looking at energy in vs energy out, values and passions.  I confess there are times I question the value of the hippy dippy--but again and again I look at my life, and those of my clients and when we move beyond the surface into the hippy dippy--that is when real passion, and real change occurs.

Thanks to Isolethetv for the photo!!

VLOG: Definition of Happier

In a world of " Get Happy Quick" messages--my thoughts on the definition of happier.

Side Note: It actually is a nice message--I look very angry for some unknown reason at the beginning. Enjoy!!

Things I Know For Sure

Today I am borrowing a little inspiration from Oprah and pondering the things I know for sure. Here are a few that I know to the depths of my being.

Good friends are hard to find, and when you find them you need to continually cultivate the relationship. I spent much of my twenties and early thirties weeding out the true friends from the needy, drama craving, self centered friends.  Now in my late thirties I am realizing in the busyness that is our lives it is more important then ever to connect and reach out to good friends.  Without my friends I wouldn't be here.

Everything is connected. Our thoughts effect our emotions, our emotions effect our thoughts.  Our career effects our personal life and our personal life effects our career.  The connections are endless.  When we start looking at our life as a whole rather than parts it can be overwhelming, yes AND that is when real insight and real change occurs.

Real Change is Challenging. First off you have to WANT it--you have to want to make the change in your life (and quite honestly it is ok if you don't want it) I spend a lot of time with clients helping them figure out what they can change and want to change and what they just want to leave for a later time. Secondly it is a slow process--all change is incremental (thus why you really have to want it)

There is no RIGHT WAY.  I know this to be true--yet still trying to get myself to implement it on a daily basis--ha!!  We all know this to be true--yet we still look for the comfort in doing it the RIGHT way.  Sometimes there is no right way--there is just the way we know best right now.

Knowing your values makes life so much easier.  When you know what is most important to you, what guides your life, what at the end of the day makes it all worth it--you know how to make better choices, and how to prioritize your life. Sign up for my newsletter to get a handy toolkit on figuring out your values

Living a life that is intentional makes life more vibrant and engaging.  I was discussing yesterday with a friend that sometimes I question myself with this blog because I am not always happy and LOVING my life. And she responded saying that in reading my blog and knowing me she would say I am trying to figure out how to be happier--not selling the idea that happiness is as easy as 1-2-3.  If anything I hope I am showing that living with intention, knowing your values and consistently engaging and evaluating your life is truly the only way to live and work happier. Do bad things happen?  Does life get rough?  Are there still moment of pain and loss?  Yep, but when we are intentional and honest we can deal with that pain and loss head on rather than filling our lives with more drama and fear in order to mask the pain. There is power in living with intention, facing our emotions the joys and the pain.

Finally--as the photo illustrates there is power in sunsets. This was taken on one of my favorite trips when I traveled solo across country a few years ago.  Facing fears, joys and loneliness--it was an amazing healing journey.  I took this photo at a B&B on my last solo night before meeting up with friends I swear the sunset lasted for an hour that night.  To this day I make an effort to watch the sunsets (when I can see them) to pause, savor and celebrate the amazing-ness that is our world.

What about you??  What are some things you know for sure?

It's Ok to Ask for Help.

Earlier this week I was faced with an extremely stressful crisis.  I can distinctly remember at one point saying to myself you are too young to deal with this situation. It was as if for 30 seconds my 39 year old self was taken over by an 8 year old.  And then I calmly reminded myself that I am actually 39 years old and I can figure this situation out, by taking one step at a time and asking for  help as needed.  And so I did--put one foot in front of the other, reached out for help and received a number of hands to hold and sage advice to help me.

Too often we try to muddle through alone.  We try to do it by ourselves and not ask for help.  Too often we don't want to be a burden anyone, appear weak or just are downright afraid to reach out for help.  Regardless if it is something as immediate as a medical emergency or as frustrating as a career change--asking for help is paramount.  We need other people, we need support, we need to say "I don't know what to do here", and we need to be able to pause, breathe and listen to ourselves and to other people.

When that little voice rose up inside of me this week it was familiar I had heard it before in times of crisis, time of facing my fear monger.  I knew it was scared and unsure and looking for an easy way out.  As a child we had the opportunity to just go limp, let someone else handle the situation and make the important decisions, as an adult that rarely happens. When we do get stuck, lost or confused--we still have to be responsible and aware, so even more so that we need to know how to ask for help, get advice and support and make an informed decision.

If you are struggling with what comes next in your life or career--it is ok to ask for help.  To go to friends, family and professionals like myself to ask for help in determining your ideal direction.  I know for me, while asking for help can be challenging, I have never regretted reaching out.

The Ideal Career is not just Skills+Strengths-Weaknessess

Photo Credit:  BetterBizIdeas

Back in the day, when I was going through my own search for my ideal career I remember reading career countless books.  I was convinced the books had the answer, if only I found the right one!  At the time I spent a small fortune at the book store.  I keep these books in my office as a reminder of my personal quest to figure it out.

The one thing a lot of these books had in common was to name your skills, strengths and weaknesses.  Usually they would just have a blank page with Strengths and Weaknesses at the top and my job was to merely fill it in. Sounds so simple. At the time I felt like an idiot because I couldn't do this well, and when I did complete the sheet it wasn't at all helpful.  All I would have would be a list of random skills that left me more confused. I don't take issue with asking for skills, strengths and weaknesses...I take issue with just asking me to list them out.  I take issue with the fact that it isn't that easy to see ourselves, know ourselves and list out our whole being on a sheet of paper.

When I first meet a client the first question I ask them is "so tell me about all your ideas for careers--you know the ones that pop into your mind and then are quickly swallowed with 'I can't do that' "  Nine times out of ten my client gives me a knowing laugh and begins to list the careers they are thinking of (inevitably followed with all the reasons they can't do that certain career) Nine times out of ten they have the skill set (or the skill set is easily obtainable through education or training) for the careers they are thinking of.  

Even careers they haven't thought of that we discover together--come from the clients naming what they are interested in and what they enjoy doing.  Bottom line we enjoy doing stuff we are good at.  So yes, our skills and our strengths and weaknesses are a key to career.  But the concept of just listing them, on demand is overdone, overused and too limiting. Not to mention, REALLY hard to name.  

I had a client a few years ago who came to see me because she wanted to figure out what's next--she liked her career in sales but she didn't love it and her job was shifting into areas she didn't really like.  As we talked about what she enjoyed doing in her spare time and the jobs she had thought of she brought up that frequently her clients would ask her for help in organizing their closets or kitchen spaces and she loved it! She loved taking a mess and making it neat and tidy--to the point where she found herself pretty well known in her circle of friends as 'the organizer'.  I asked if she ever got paid for it and she responded with a shocked "oh no, who would pay for that it's so EASY to do" to which I responded "yes, easy for you doesn't mean it is easy for everyone it is a skill which you could get paid for".  The amount of times such an example as this has happened in my office is countless.  This client and I then went on to work through her doubts and fears around owning her skills in organizing and getting paid to have such a business.

Bottom line it is too hard to see ourselves for just a set of skills, strengths and weaknesses. We are humans with fears, doubts, interests, and values.  When we are asked to merely list our skills and strengths I believe we lose the complicated wonderful mess that we are.  To find our ideal careers/work we need to look at all of us--our values, interests, energy levels, lifestyle, finances, education, support system, fears, doubts and skills.  We are more than a standardized test.  We are challenging, feeling, exciting, complex beings!  Thank God because that makes it so much more fun :)  

Lean In

Lately the phrase 'lean in' has been running through my brain.  Lean in such a simple and wonderful reminder.  Lean into the hugs my nearest and dearest gives me.  Lean into the support of friends and family.  Lean into the emotions, joy, sadness, fear.  Once I started paying attention to it and when it showed up I realized, leaning in is something that is helpful to practice in life.

Being the independent soul that I am I tend to pride myself on 'going it alone', not needing anybody.  But in all honesty that is a lonely life--we need to lean in--reach out--share our story and ask for help.  Frequently when my husband gives me a hug I will remind myself to 'lean in' take the hug for all it's worth.  Or when I am having a stressful day and my first inclination is to forge ahead, dig deeper and become a virtual stress machine I will remind myself to 'lean in' to my nearest and dearest, ask for help, share my stress and do a little leaning. When I lean in life gets better, my relationships get stronger, my piece of mind is greater, I am happier.  It isn't my first response, it isn't the easiest response but it is a helpful response.

Leaning in is the opposite of running from. Duh you might say, but most of us spend a lot of time running from our negative emotions, the unhappy parts of our lives, our fears, our shame etc.  When we can lean in to it we can diminish it's strength, that much faster.  Leaning in is not an intuitive action (at least not for me) it is something I have to remind myself to do.  Lean in, take a breath, feel the feelings, and then take action.

Leaning in means we reach out to the 'safe people' in our lives to share the struggles and the joys.  Yep, we even have to be reminded to lean in to the joys of our life.  We are so afraid that if we celebrate too much the joy will vanish or by celebrating we aren't being modest enough and we will suffer some consequence.

If you think of walking down the street on a windy day, the easiest way to maneuver is to lean in to the wind.  Standing straight and tall, being rigid and stoic will just make it that much more difficult to walk.  If you can link arms with someone as you walk through the wind, it gets even easier.  When we lean in we naturally relax and we are able to shift and move as needed.  The wind is still there, but rather than fighting against it we are moving with it.

Where in your life could you use a little 'lean in'?

True Happiness Starts With You

Photo Credit:  3Oheme

We have all heard the sentiment be careful what you wish for---truer words have never been spoken.  So often we feel if we get what we wish for:  get the promotion, find the perfect job or find the supportive relationship all will be well.  The truth is that even if/when we receive these things we are still ourselves still filled with the imperfections, shame, doubts, insecurities.  Still us.

We see this all the time in famous people who have a sudden level of success and then hit the wall.  A recent tragic example of this is Whitney Houston--had it all, beautiful voice, great success, true talent but couldn't keep her demons at bay.  Couldn't overcome her addictions, face her pain and be ok with herself.

I see it with my clients who come in looking for the perfect job and when we discover what it is they are immediately struck with doubts, fears, insecurities about achieving or doing the job. Even clients who for some great stroke of luck get handed a promotion or find their ideal work they inevitably return looking for more.  Because bottom line, you are still you…regardless of the outside factors you achieve.  You are still an imperfect, lovable, infallible, human being.

Sometimes, the harder we have worked towards a goal or the longer we have wanted something the greater the disparity becomes.  In the time we were wishing or working towards the ideal, we built up an expectation that when I find (the new job, the perfect mate, the book deal, an independent business) my life will be perfect.  Any time we are feeling doubt, fear or insecurity in this process we think "Oh but when I get  (fill in the blank) THEN all this insecurity will be gone" we dump any negative or painful emotions in to the "I don't have (fill in the blank) box" and that is why I am miserable.  And then we get what we wanted and we realize we still have all those negative emotions, we still have fear, doubt insecurity even WITH the thing we most dreamed about.  Then we are left a bit disillusioned.

One of the strongest examples of this is a personal, non-career example.  For most of my adult life I was single, longing to find a mate. When I say longing, I mean I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to find a life partner, I went on dates, joined, dating services even hired a matchmaker.  During this time, every doubt, pain, fear, sadness I had I would put in the "this wouldn't be here if I was partnered" box.  If I was scared, lonely, tired, doubtful I would think "if I had someone I wouldn't feel like this". My belief was once I was in loving, caring relationship I would be free of doubts, fear, or sadness. Well here I am 3 years into a wonderful loving relationship that quite honestly contains all the elements I dreamed of when I was single.  Yet I still have days of feeling tired, scared, doubtful and even lonely. Yes now I have a loving supportive partner to talk about these emotions with and who would take away every single one of these negative thoughts if he could.  But unfortunately finding a loving relationship (although amazing) wasn't miraculous at the end of the day I am still me.  I am just me, married.  I am not fixed, healed, or perfect. I am just me, an imperfect, lovable, infallible, human being

So yes, finding the work you love is important, having loving supportive relationships in your life is fantastic, having goals and plans is empowering AND even with all those achievements YOU are sell YOU. Real change comes from within.  Real happiness, real joy, real passion is something you cultivate internally.  At the end of the day the outside achievements are important but it is your relationship with yourself that is the key to living and working happier.