This stuff is HARD

Lately I have been struggling with the self help industry--the number of books and blogs and e-books that are out there to help us figure out how to feel better about ourselves/our lives/our relationships/our careers. It is incredible to me the sheer number of 'stuff' that is out there. I use to be a self help fanatic--thinking maybe if I bought THIS book or downloaded THIS pamphlet I would finally get control of my life and feel better. Finally I realized the books weren't going to help--yes they have good techniques and insights, but the bottom line is--this stuff is hard. Learning, growing, changing. trying to be a better person--all very hard!! It is hard to live in the present, be aware of your negative thoughts, engage in deep breathing, communicate your needs and push through your fear--all while eating healthy, doing some type of work out and just plan living your life!!! But I know when I try when I get up each morning and just TRY to implement one or two things I feel better--I am happier when I am intentional about my life--when I catch myself 'what ifing' or when I notice the beat down I am giving myself because I haven't accomplished what I thought I would. Do I do this every minute of every day? No way--do I do it most days, yes.

I guess I just needed to admit as someone who works in the 'self help' arena--there is no magic way to find happiness no magic 10 steps or magic book or magic pill for that matter. There is just honest to goodness struggle--being honest with ourselves and our significant others. Being aware of ourselves as we move through life and having genuine non-judgmental curiosity about ourselves and our friends/partners. There will be days when we hit the mark when we are present and centered and living all the self help principles. There will be days when we miss the mark completely--when we question if we have learned anything in this process. It is those days when we have learned the same life lesson for the 5th time and we wonder if we are really making any progress at all that we need to put away the baseball bat that we use to beat ourselves with and recognize this stuff is HARD and tomorrow is another day.

When life gets tough and you fall into bed exhausted give yourself a break and remember: Life is a process and we are all doing the best we can with what we know right now.

What If I am wrong?

I have noticed the theme lately in my clients that they are paralyzed by self doubt and fears. The questions they ask are different--is this the right job for me? --should I stay in this relationship? ---should I take the job out of state? Basically all their questions come down to the fear of what if I am wrong? What if I make the wrong choice and I look like an idiot or what if I end up in pain because I made the wrong choice?

Anytime we are asking 'what if' we tend to get into trouble because the source of what if is the longing for control. Unfortunately there is no such thing as control in this world. We are at the whim of our decisions or the whim of the gods--whatever you believe. But regardless we have no control. How frustrating is that?!?! No control?!! Unfortunately, there is no way to look into the future and have a guarantee that our decision is a good one and that we won't be wrong. We can ask ourselves 'what if' until the end of time and we still won't know. We simply have to use all our best resources, get all the facts, follow our guts and make the leap.

Some of the best decisions I have made have been perceived as 'wrong'. Because they didn't work out the way I thought they would or because I did end up experiencing heart ache. However, they were good decisions because they have allowed me to learn more about myself--see the world in a new way and get to the juicy marrow of the life. So my argument to what if I am wrong? is so what? If you aren't making decisions you aren't living your life--you are paralyzed by indecision--paralyzed by fear--sometimes you just have to make the leap.

Do you have something you are debating in your life? Something you really want to do but are afraid to make a commitment? Make the leap and recognize there is no wrong--there is just life.

Change: the one constant in our lives

I am big believer that we need to repeat lessons in life.  Change is one I continually struggle with in my own life and I figured other people do too.  

Recently I moved my office--which is a good thing.  I am closer to my home, it has more space and my own waiting room.  All and all a good change.  It is something I have wanted to do for awhile now and am very excited that it has finally happen.  However as I moved my furniture in and busied myself with decorating and arranging I couldn't help but notice my anxiety level was increasing. On moving day I turned to a friend of mine who helped me move and just said 'ok I am going to cry for no reason now' and he looked at me and said 'go ahead, change is hard and this is a big change'.  First I thought 'thank God for such supportive friends' and then I thought 'change is hard yet it is the one thing that is consistent in our lives''.

As humans we resist change--yes there are those who live on the edge and love mixing things up--but for the majority of us change is hard.  Moving, having kids, starting a relationship or a job, ending a relationship or job, getting a dog (something else I recently did) all add change to our lives.  And with that change comes resistance and stress.  

Even the good changes cause us to have an increase in anxiety.  But as I stood on my back porch crying I thought--is it really the change and 'the stress' that comes with a new office or is it my resistance to the change and the resulting stress that is the problem.  Maybe if I embraced the change--admitted that change is hard--and moved forward with it I wouldn't get to the point where I needed the tears.  I would just give myself permission to feel the stress of the change as I went along instead of constantly telling myself 'this is a good thing, you SHOULD be HAPPY', 'stop stressing you are being silly'.  Instead I would have some intentionality around what I tell myself I would say 'change is hard, you want to move and moving is good AND moving is hard', 'you like your routine and you are establishing a new one--good for you!!'

As with many lessons it comes down to self talk--the messages I send myself have become more loving as I make this transition--and because of that the transition has become much more enjoyable!!

Here's to change--the one constant in our lives!!!

Front Porch Living

Hands down the favorite part of my house is my front porch.  My front porch has 2 white rocking chairs and sits close enough to the street that I can chat with people who walk by or I can chose to ignore them depending on my mood :)  I admit usually I chat because that is why I love my front porch--it connects me with my world.  In the spring/summer I spend hours on my front porch: reading, working, talking to neighbors, or just sitting.  Growing up the front porch was the meeting place, the center of our home in the summer time.  My family and I passed hours on the porch talking, laughing hanging out. 

To me the front porch represents relaxation, joy, peace, community, relationships and home. So yesterday when I decided it was warm enough to pull out my rockers I must admit I did a little happy dance.  It got me thinking that there aren't many places in my world that represent such goodness as my front porch.  It is my place of refuge, of safety of 'Ah I made it through another day' or 'thank God for the beauty of nature' or 'my stomach hurts from laughing with my friends and neighbors'.  We all need one of those places--a special place we can regroup a place that allows us to ground and return to a sense of peace.  A place where we can take a big deep breath!  It we are living intentionally we need a place to let our hair down, to laugh to cry to be ourselves.  

So I raise a toast to my front porch and pose the question--where do you do your 'front porch living'?  Where is your personal refuge?

The Other

While traveling in South Africa--we learned about the history and present day effects of apartheid.  Throughout our trip we had the chance to hear the story and philosophy of apartheid-how it began and why it persisted for decades.  As many of you know, I am fascinated by story and the story of apartheid is a complex story full of victims and heroes on both sides. 

What struck me most about the stories was how easy it is turn people into the 'other'.  Once we 'otherize' a person it is far easier to hurt them and ridicule them. Even hearing the story of apartheid it was my temptation to turn the people that started the system into criminals--then I realized they had a story too.  Yes, what that group (the Afrikaners) did was atrocious and hate-filled yet they had a story behind why they did it--they felt like victims in their own right--they felt like it was "God's will" for them to be superior.  I am in NO WAY approving, or justifying what that group did but I do think it is important to understand WHY they did what they did so we can prevent it in the future. 

On a smaller level, in our every day lives we 'otherize' all the time--with someone we have a conflict with, someone who is different from us or has a different view point from us.  We hear a story and we make a judgment.  If we the goal is to be intentional in our lives than we have to be aware of the temptation to 'otherize'-- to view people with curiosity and validation.  Yes there is evil in the world but there is also a story behind that evil. A reason behind why someone feels justified to say or do something cruel or hateful.  It is my intention rather than to jump into judgment and label someone to 'view their humanity' and have curiosity around their actions or viewpoint.  To understand where they are coming from rather than immediately thinking they are wrong.  

Peace building starts with validating the humanity of the other person.  Such a sweet statement--validating your humanity.  So in small ways we can start doing that--first with ourselves and then with the people we see in a day--the guy who cuts us off in traffic, the sales clerk who is a little rude, the co-worker who annoys us--instead of 'otherizing' and sitting in judgement them think of their humanity!---Maybe the guy just heard his wife was in the hospital, or maybe the clerk has just worked a 15 hour day, and your co-worker was up all night with a crying baby.  Have some curiosity around their humanity ---Ok so at least honk your horn and THEN think of his humanity :) 

Perspective

Well I have returned from South Africa--such a fabulous trip full of life lessons which I plan on sharing here over the next few weeks. 

When I left on the trip I said to a friend of mine that I wanted this trip to be life changing--she then said to me "what would you want to change about your life?"  At the time I couldn't come up with a response and I decided I would take that question with me to South Africa.  Within the first few nights I realized the thing I wanted to change the most was worrying about stupid meaningless stuff.    

Throughout my trip I was frequently reminded of the movie Grand Canyon--in the movie Danny Glover is telling Kevin Kline about his visit to the Grand Canyon and the fact that he felt because these rocks had been there for millions of years they were laughing at him and all his problems--and it helped him put his life in perspective--as he said made him realize in the spectrum of the whole world his life was small "as small as a gnat on the back of a cow when you are driving by at 60 mph"  I absolutely love that quote and frequently when I am feeling overwhelmed by my life I think about it.  It kept coming to me as we drove through complete poverty in many areas, or as we witnessed the ocean and the mountains.  In that place and time I was able to concentrate on what really mattered to me.   Does it really matter if I miss a workout, it is it really important if I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning, will my life be dramatically altered if I have no plans on a Friday night? 

 Perspective is an amazing thing.  Looking at your life and figuring out "what really matters here"? How much time do I waste spinning out on the stuff that doesn't matter....it is a life changing realization.

South Africa

Tomorrow I am leaving for a trip to South Africa! 19 days in Cape Town. I am headed there with a group of students from a local university--I am one of the chaperons. Talk about the chance to break out of the routine--to practice intentional living! Wow! I have a lot of fears about this trip--will I be able to bond with the students? Will we be safe? Will I lose my mind on the 21 hour flight? Will I survive 19 days without contact with my friends and family back home? And yet I have a lot of excitement--what will it be like to live in a country totally different from mine? How will it feel to stretch myself WAY out of my comfort zone? What amazing people will I meet? How many wild animals will I get to see in their natural habitat?

I have found I am filled with mixed emotions--excitement and fear, dread and joy, certainty and insecurity, anxiety and confidence! All bubbling up and trying to come out and I am allowing them too--all the different emotions--to come up and out and be apart of my experience. In the past I would have tried to hide my fears or keep my joy unexpressed. However I have learned life is messy--life is gray and mixed up. It isn't clear and direct and learning how to express that uncertainty is a gift we can give ourselves. So I am trying to be intentional in my experience and my emotions. To let bubble up whatever bubbles up and live this trip to the fullest! Next time I write I will have returned from my trip and will have many more adventures to share!! Peace.

Back to Basics

This week my electricity went out due to a wind storm. For 30+ hours I didn't have any power. What a great reminder of not only my dependency on electricity but also how filled with 'activity' my life has become. When I arrived home at hour 20 of no electricity just before sundown I ran frantically around the house gathering candles and flashlights and preparing for a cold night in the dark. Then I gathered all my candles in one spot, pulled up my chair and sat for 2 hours and read my book. Two hours of reading!!! I couldn't check my computer, couldn't watch TV. It was too dark to clean the kitchen or clean my closet. I could just sit in one spot with my candles huddled under my blanket with my cat on my lap and read! What a fabulous gift. It made me realize I need to get back to basics--I need to plan regular 'black outs' into my schedule. Period of time when I just CANNOT use my computer or watch TV or be productive. Time when I am forced to sit and read or sit and breath or just sit!!! Try it--Take one evening a week/a month when you and your family are forced to just be--no TV, no cleaning, no computer, no accomplishments--just intentionally being together.

Alone Time

I am continually amazed by the power of alone time.  We all have busy lives filled with partners, children, friends, co-workers.  Few of us really have alone time.  Not just time without someone else there but actual alone time--no TV, no computer, no i-pod, no distractions.  I live alone--well me and my cat who unfortunately isn't much of a conversationalist--but I usually have the TV on, or my computer or my i-pod playing.  I try to take time regularly to just sit with my thoughts and relax.  Although I will admit I frequently try to come up with excuses why not to take self time. But today I took time to truly be alone--I had a free afternoon and after my workout I came home, ate lunch, and just sat on the couch and breathed.  I had been feeling 'off' most of the day and I realized after only 5 minutes of sitting on the couch and just breathing I felt better.  I felt more relaxed, more centered, less anxious and ready to face the rest of my day.

It has always been fascinating to me that the things that make our lives easier and help us are often the hardest to implement into our lives e.g. exercise, healthy diet, alone time.  But I know for me when I do take time to move my body, eat my fruits and veggies and just be (even for 5 minutes!) I feel better.  Try it!!  Today take 5 minutes and just be, breathe in and out, notice your thoughts and relax--I promise it will make a difference!!!

Resolutions: Helpful or Hurtful??

Welcome to 2009!  I always approach a new year with mixed emotions.  On one hand  it is exciting to have a fresh new year and the chance to make fresh changes/resolutions.   Yet, I have had enough 'new years' to know that frequently the resolutions I have made and the changes I want to implement become lost in the shuffle and busyness of life.  Thus, resolutions frequently become a handy way for me to beat up on myself and criticize myself for not measuring up to the person I want to become.  

Bottom line is  I think resolutions are important. It is positive to look at your life--do a gut check in and ask yourself some hard questions.  Such as: Is this the life I want to be living?  Am I taking good care of myself?  Am I living by my values and expressing what is important to me?  Am I taking care of others who are important to me?  Am I expressing my needs and sharing my genuine self?   Based on the answers to those questions I think it is important to pick one (maybe two) small areas that you can change--maybe it is as simple as I will eat 4 fruits/veggies a day, I will express genuine care towards my spouse/partner every day, I will physically move my body on a daily basis or I will engage in an act of self care each week (e.g. hot bath, reading a good book, taking a walk).  As a mentor of mine says "all change is incremental"--Change takes time and when we swoop in to our resolutions thinking we are going to lose 50 pounds in 3 months by dramatically changing our diet and our exercise plan,  that we will quit a 20 year smoking habit cold turkey, or that we can eliminate all guilt or negative thinking because it is January 1st is unreasonable and causes more stress on ourselves. 

In my opinion (and as always in keeping with the theme of intentional living) resolutions are about self reflection and self love. Resolutions are about noticing in our lives ways we can become healthier and happier and finding small, meaningful ways of implementing those changes.  Resolutions are a way for us to live intentionally every day.  Change is a slow process but the key to change is having an intention around it--looking at our lives and figuring out what do I want to change and what is a meaningful practical way I can change it.  I hope you and your loved ones have a wonderful, joyous 2009!  Happy New Year!

Unexplainable Bad Days

It is a cold, gray, rainy/snowy day in Ohio. The weather combined with the fact that it is a Monday after a 4 day holiday weekend and I have found myself in a bad mood. Bad moods sometimes just happen. You know the kind when you just wake up feeling crabby and you don't want to get out of bed. When you finally drag yourself out of the warm cozy bed everything appears to go wrong or maybe nothing goes wrong I just see it as ALL going wrong.

I was thinking today that many people believe (and I use to be one of them) that if they are living intentionally or on purpose they won't have bad days. The belief goes that if I am living my values, or trying to make choices that fit my intentions and long term goals--I won't have a bad day. But in reality we are human--there are going to be times when the weather is terrible and I have to work so I can't spend the day hanging with my friends and family. No matter what I do I can't change that--I have found the best way to handle a bad mood is to just admit I am in one. If I stop trying to 'cheer' myself up or talk myself out of it--it only gets worse. It is the days when I am intentional about my mood--when I am aware that I am in a MOOD and I just allow myself to feel it--to feel the sadness or anger or anxiety or frustration or annoyance. To just experience it. Today that included scribbling in my journal, crying, cranking up some 'bitter music' and just letting out my mood. It also included a workout which I DID NOT want to do but was a great release of my mood. So moral of the story is that unexplainable bad moods happen--it is our job as human beings to recognize our mood and make a choice about it--we can ignore it--stuff it with food/alcohol/shopping--'cheer ourselves' up or we can decide you know what today is a bad day so I am going to express my emotions safely and get through it.

As always a couple of caveats-when I say embrace your mood I don't mean kick the cat or yell at your partner. I mean accept the fact that today you aren't feeling it, and allow yourself to process the emotions as they come. Pay attention if anger comes up or fear or anxiety or sadness. Safely process your mood--talk to a friend, write in a journal, workout etc. Secondly unexplainable bad days do happen but if you have more than one or two in a row then perhaps something else is going and that is worth looking into with a professional.

The beauty of it is that tomorrow is another day.

Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving sometimes gets a bad rap--it doesn't have the magic and of course presents of Christmas, nor the warmth and fireworks of Fourth of July. Basically it is seen as a holiday where you eat and drink a lot and try to tolerate your family.

As I have gotten older I have gained more respect for this holiday. One of the key principals to living intentionally is gratitude. Gratitude immediately forces us to be in the moment, to be aware of what is happening in our lives. Gratitude allows us to see the small little blessings that happen every day. It is a Catch-22 one of the key practices to intentionally living is gratitude and when we are living intentionally gratitude naturally happens. So for today on this day of Thanks I challenge you to be grateful not just for the standard things like your home, your family, your friends, your health. Dig a little deeper--look for the items, events, people that are unique to you. Why are you grateful for your house? What about your partner makes you grin? What is it in your best friend that you love so much? What is it about your favorite food that makes you happy? What makes you joyful on a daily basis?

This morning as I type I am grateful for my warm sweater and the furnace removing the morning chill. My coffee is brewing and I can smell the wonderful fragrance that makes me happy!! I am grateful for my comfy couch, my cat sleeping on my lap (to keep warm) the warm shower I just took and the fact that I am going to drive to my family's house where I am able to help my mom cook Thanksgiving dinner and watch the Macy's parade. I am grateful the day will be filled with laughter and joy that we have yet another Thanksgiving dinner to spend together as a family.

So for today practice your gratitude and then tomorrow keep practicing. I try to end each day with 5 things I am grateful for--get creative--and see all the wonderful little blessings that make up our world.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Laughter

The concept of Intentional Living sounds so serious. I think there is a misnomer that if someone is living intentionally than they will be always serious, always aware, always in a state of meditation. I believe if someone is living intentionally they are living from a place of lightheartedness. From a place of joy and creativity and laughter.

If we are living with intent we are able to see the trauma in life AND the joy in life. We are able to laugh with our son as he drops the milk accidentally in the morning rather than yell at him. We are able to laugh at ourselves when we forget our keys for the millionth time.

One of my favorite things to do is laugh, I love the feeling of a good belly laugh or even a light-hearted chuckle. Today as I rode the treadmill at the gym I was watching someone walk through the gym and wasn't paying attention and nearly fell off the treadmill. After I righted myself I started laughing--as did the person next to me and we started up a conversation about the challenges of walking. Afterward the guy came up to me and said he appreciated our lighthearted conversation and the chance to laugh.

I realized that in this heavy time of a recession economy, war and uncertainty we need a little laughter. We need to look at the world through fresh eyes. Yes, there is trauma and grief and we need to express the appropriate pain and sorrow AND we need to express the every day joys and laughter that we miss. If we are living intentionally then we are aware that life isn't all sadness and gloom, there are days when everything goes wrong and those are the days we need to laugh the loudest. Laughter heals the soul, lifts our hearts and makes the world a better place. What have you laughed about today?

Negative Thinking--Blocking our Blessings

Yesterday I was talking with a client about the power of negative thinking. It is my belief that we use negative thinking as a way to self-protect. If we are struggling in a relationship we will 'prepare ourselves' for the worst by thinking negatively about the relationship: 'he won't call', 'she doesn't really love me', 'he will say no to my request'.

Rather than thinking positively: 'I am lucky to have this wonderful person in my life who cares for me', 'he might say no but that doesn't mean he doesn't care for me', 'this relationship might have its ups and downs but I am going to celebrate the ups as they happen.'

Or if we are wanting a new job we say to ourselves "I won't get a new job, I am not qualified, I don't interview well, they won't like me" rather than saying "I interviewed, I am qualified, I deserve this job and I did the best I could and will deal with whatever comes my way".

Somewhere in our ego minds we think that we can protect ourselves by being negative OR we are being too selfish if we think positively about something. Bottom line is that life is better when we think positively. If we think positively about a relationship and our partner and give it all the good energy we can muster--not only will the relationship feel better it will BE better. We miss the good stuff (the time our partner really listens to our story, when our partner empties the dishwasher without being asked, when we get positive feedback at work) because we are concentrating on the negative (our partner forgot to ask about a big presentation at work, our boss gave us some areas of improvement)

As with any great theory--it is easy to say 'think positive' but hard to practice. First step--awareness. Pay attention to your negative thoughts as you go through your day--Are you self protecting? Are you trying to be humble? or Do you really not like something? All are valid and all need to be brought to awareness.

How much of your life do you miss because you are negative? The truth is you may not get that job but why not enjoy the fact that the interview went well and you nailed it, or the interviewer complemented your tie.

As I said to my client, the relationship might not work out but why not enjoy the fact that right now it is--you enjoy spending time with this person and there might be things about him that drive you crazy but for now there are more positives--lets embrace those. Start paying attention to your negative thoughts--are they blocking out your blessings?

Letting Go of Guilt

Guilt fascinates me. It is such a powerful emotion yet it serves no purpose. When we feel guilty-we aren't helping anyone, we aren't accomplishing anything we aren't even processing through a legitimate emotion. We are just spinning our wheels. We justify actions (or non-actions) by feeling guilty about them.

For example, I have a client who wants to add working out into her life. About a month ago, she decided that morning was the best time to workout. So she set her alarm an hour earlier so she could get up and go for a walk. However she found that when her alarm would go off she would hit snooze and then lay in bed for maybe 20-30 minutes debating about getting up. During this time she would tell herself that she was 'fat and lazy' for not getting up and then after 40 minutes had passed she would tell herself that she didn't have time for a workout and would either lay in bed beating herself up and feeling guilty or she would fall in to a restless sleep.

I gave my client the assignment for 1 week that she had to embrace whatever it was she was doing. So if her alarm went off 60 minutes early she had to decide if she wanted to get up and workout or if she wanted to sleep in. The catch was she COULD NOT lay in bed and debate it, feeling guilty, she had to immediately make a decision, and then follow through. If she decided to work out she had to get up and work out if she decided to sleep then she had to REALLY sleep in and enjoy it. She couldn't just lay there as she has done in the past and spend the 60 minutes beating herself up for not working out. She either had to truly enjoy the 60 extra minutes of sleep or get up and workout.

She came back a week later and said that it was amazing how different her choices were. She was starting to learn to listen to herself and make intentional decisions. It wasn't that she got up every morning and worked out. Rather she paid attention to herself and when she needed more sleep she let herself sleep in for 60 extra minutes and when she wanted to workout but was just reluctant to do so she pulled herself out of bed and took a walk. She realized that her decisions became more deliberate and she started to let go of the guilt and the "shoulds". She started to live her life spending her time intentionally and not unconsciously. (Actually after a couple of weeks with this exercise she realized that the morning wasn't the best time for her to add a workout routine and she decided to add it in at lunchtime.)

So let's say that the kitchen needs to be cleaned but there is a good show on TV. You have to decide Do I want to clean the kitchen? Do I want to watch and enjoy the TV show? Do I want to record the TV show so I can watch it later? Because it is no longer an option to watch the TV show and not really enjoy it because you are feeling guilty for not cleaning the kitchen. Try it--I know it will make a big difference in your life!

Moving at a Slower Pace

One of the key parts of Intentional Living is paying attention to our bodies. What are we feeling? Where do we carry our emotions? Where do I feel joy or fear or anger--my back, my chest, my stomach?

As the 'darker' months of winter approach and we start losing more and more daylight hours I notice my body slowing down, I am forced inside more so I don't take my evening walks anymore or do afternoon yard work. Rather I notice I am sleeping longer, hanging on the couch more and longing for quiet relaxing moments rather than the energetic bursts I had throughout the summer months.

In the past, I would have belittled myself for this lack of energy, wondered what was wrong, made myself feel guilty and shamed for not doing enough or being productive. But after years of paying attention to my body I recognize--this is a natural shift for me--an organic progression into the next season one of rest and renewal where my body does shift into a desire of more comfort and care than in previous months.

The trick is to first pay attention to yourself and recognize these natural shifts and secondly to embrace them. On a Saturday when you body needs an extra hour of sleep because it is still dark out take that extra hour. When you crave time to just curl up on the couch and read a good book but the dirty dishes are calling your name--pick the book. Intentional Living means listening to our bodies and the natural rhythms they give us. The more we listen to and embrace our bodies messages the more joy we will experience on a daily basis.

Storytelling

Recently I was talking with a woman about dads (a little background on how we got on that subject--as we started talking her dad called and she answered it and their conversation reminded me of one of mine with my dad after she hung up I told her so) and she shared that her mom had just died a month ago. She shared (after I asked) that although her mom had been frail she died rather suddenly and her dad was now 'broken hearted'. What a sad story. The most amazing part was here she is sharing this story and was clearly having mixed emotions a. she needed to talk about it and b. she didn't want to burden a complete stranger--so common that we all are dealing with our own pain and burdens and frequently when we share our story with someone it sounds more like a news report or that we are talking about the weather then the fact that we are in major pain. It strikes me how rare it is to have people who REALLY listen to our stories without judgment or advice or wanting to share their story--just that concept of 'holding the space' for someone. Who do you have in your life how truly listens to your stories? Whose stories do you truly listen to?

Maximize the Joy Minimize the Pain

I was able to take 7 days out of my summer to drive across country. Just me and my rental Honda Accord. One of the things, I love about traveling is that it really expands my view. Having the ability just to chat with random strangers and see different areas takes me out of my day to day life and day to day problems. It makes me realize every person has a story, with worries and traumas and people they love and people they hurt and they are all trying to do the best they can with what they have (I love that phrase) and it certainly makes my problems and worries seem less gigantic. Because really we are all just trying to figure it out--trying to be good people and minimize the pain and maximize the joys of life.

Embrace the Fummer

I love this time of year--the strange time when summer the heat of summer is not quite over but the cold of winter isn't here yet either. It is too hot for sweaters during the day but too cold for shorts at night. It isn't quite summer and it isn't quite fall--it is in between--"fummer" if you will. It got me thinking about all the times throughout our lives when we are in a fummer--not quite one place or the other--we are simply on the road. Not quite in that perfect relationship, not quite figured out the job, not quite happy. We are in fummer--actually most of our lives we are in that in between place--we just don't realize it or embrace it. To often we are waiting for the next season or long for the past season. We are fantasizing about the snow or depressed because the days by the pool are gone. We aren't enjoying the fummer when it is sunny and bright during the day and cool enough to have the windows open at night. We are dreaming about when our job will be perfect and missing out on the fact that we had a great meeting this morning or received a compliment from a boss today. We lament 'the one that got away' rather than seeing the funny cute woman at the coffee shop who talks to us every time we are in there. We miss the fummer because we are too busy looking at our past or leaping into the future. Enjoy your fummer! It won't be here for long!!

Life Lessons

It always amazes me how life seems to present us with the same lessons over and over again in different forms until we really get it. Speaking your needs is one of those life lessons. It is an important part of living intentionally--if we don't speak our needs we don't let people see our authentic self. A friend of mine is learning this lesson--first he learned how to speak his needs with his family--how to stand up for himself and be genuine in how he lived his life. Then he had to learn how to do it with his boss in his workplace how to speak up when he needed more time for a project of more help with an assignment. And recently we were talking because the same lesson came to him with one of his friends. Here he thought he had learned the lesson--he had figured out how to speak his needs and live genuinely and then he noticed he wasn't doing that with some of his friends--he was hiding himself because he was scared of sharing his needs. "Wow he said to me--isn't it amazing that the same lessons come to us in a variety of different costumes" So true. It is our responsibility to keep an eye our for those costumes/situations and embrace the lessons they give us.

Welcome

In both my presentations and my private practice I am fascinated by the use of stories. The stories we tell ourselves, and the stories we tell each other. I believe stories play an invaluable role in life. Our stories define who we are, they help us express ourselves and they give us a common ground to understand each other. This blog is to share some of those stories. Stories from my own life and others that illustrate the struggle and joy we have in living a life with passion, purpose, balance and awareness. Please check back regularly and start paying attention and listening to the stories around you.