VLOG: The Illusion of Control

This week I received a wonderful reminder--just in time for the holidays.





Wishing you and yours a wonderful, relaxing, laughter filled holiday!!

The Gift of Receiving

It is the season for giving.  Sometimes what is lost is the simple act of receiving.  So many of the people I know are generous in giving, in their time, energy, money and spirit.  Where we lack is in receiving.  Taking in the compliment, generous gesture, act of kindness or even a simple I am sorry.  Much of the joy of giving comes from the person we are giving to being able to receive, to take in whatever it is we are giving.

The other day my nearest and dearest and I had a disagreement and he looked at me and simply said I am sorry.  And I immediately said, "No problem, don't worry" and he said, "You know what?, you are really bad at receiving" and it hit me.  He's right, I don't receive very well.  I like to DO for others, give and give.  But part of the joy of relationship (whether significant or merely acquaintance) is to be able to receive.

A few months ago a friend of mine was having financial problems.  I know one of her favorite things to do is to meet for a drink and catch up however, she knew she couldnt' afford it that month so she said no.  When I offered to pay, she looked at me with a stressed face and said let me think about it.  Finally, she came back and said "yes, I would love to accept a drink from you, thank you". That exchange was significant for both of us, a bonding experience if you will.  By her trusting me in her vulnerability to admit, she needed help and then to take help from me was a gift for both of us.

I admit, these examples are small.  There are a lot bigger examples of giving and receive then "I'm sorry" and buying someone a drink.  But I believe these every day ways of giving and receiving make an impact on our world.  They open our hearts and enable us to give (and receive) on a larger level.

So as we go through the holiday season, pay attention not only to how much you give but to how well you receive.  Receiving with an open heart, expressing your vulnerability and sharing a simple 'thank you' helps everyone live happier.

Tips for Surviving the "What do you do?" Question

Ah the Holidays!   Evenings and weekends are filled with gatherings with friends and family.  Joyous events where we can catch up and see what's new with people we haven't seen in a year or so.  Unfortunately for many people I know these joyous events strike fear in their hearts.  Time to answer the inevitable question "So what do you do?" over and over again.  These joyous events can leave us feeling lost and bitter that we have to 'justify' our lives to other people in a 30 second window.  Maybe you haven't found a career that makes your heart sing yet, but you are looking and trying and facing up to all your fear mongers.  Or maybe you have and it just doesn't live up to expectations of those around you.  

Don't get me started on the unfairness of the 'values' of society. In many circles, it doesn't matter if you enjoy your job or if it is on purpose with your value system, all that matters is  that you are using your education (or have gotten a lot of it) and making lots of money.  But that is another blog for another day.

Today I am writing to those of you who aren't quite where you want to be in your career journey. Who find yourself dreading the idea of reconnecting with old friends and facing the justification and comparisons that will inevitably occur.

To you I offer some tips:

1.  You are what you believe you are.  For most of the people I know who are unhappy in their career, their first instinct is to complain, sell themselves short and belittle their jobs.  I know we are what we believe we are and when we answer the question with a negative, we take on that negativity, we become the loser who has an unfulfilling job.  Versus the guy who while trying to figure it out also needs to pay some bills.  Let's say you are a guy who makes minimum wage working retail while you work on getting your writing career off the ground. You can sell that two ways.  "I work a minimum wage retail job that I hate"  OR "I am writing a book that I am really excited about and to support myself I work retail and get a pretty cool discount"  Both are true, one just has a better 'spin' factor on it.  I am not saying to LIE, I am saying to tell the truth.  Let's say you are a woman who works a desk job that you hate you have no idea what you want to do next and you are struggling with figuring it out.  You can say "I work a crappy desk job that I hate" or "I am really trying to figure out what my purpose is but I am stuck, so in the mean time I am working a desk job to help pay the bills"

2.  People are trying to help.  I know it doesn't feel like it but when someone asks "what do you do?". But I promise, they aren't wanting to belittle you (and if they are --why are you standing there talking to them!) they are merely making conversation.  Most of the time they want to help, they want to provide tips and job search advice.  And this too can be annoying.  So I want to remind you to keep repeating to yourself when person #582 offers you yet another tip on how to figure out the perfect job that they are not trying to annoy you they are trying to help you.  Unfortunately for most people, help means advice.  Look to the next tip for how to redirect this misdirected 'helping'.

3.  People who knew you 'back then' might have some insight.  Sometimes we get so stuck on the fact that we hate our jobs, and trying to figure out what we want to DO with out lives, we forget what we use to like to do.  Frequently our interests as a child, or teenager can provide insights into what we want to do now.  So when someone starts giving you advice on what you should do ask them to remind you of who you were when they knew you.  What did they think you would be doing?  Who did they see you becoming?  What do they remember you enjoying? And then just listen.  Some of their ideas might be DEAD WRONG but some of them might provide a new idea or spark an old interest.  Regardless of what they say it will probably be more helpful then the random advice from tip #2.  Most importantly remember to take in what is useful and disregard the rest!!

4.  Remember this is a journey.  Ok so maybe you hate your job, maybe finding a positive spin is just impossible and you absolutely hate every piece of advice, insight, or idea that people offer to you.  Take a breath, and remind yourself this is a journey. This is a one step at a time journey.  Right now you might be lost, confused, hating life but next year you might have the most fabulous career known to man.  But if you get stuck in the negativity, depression and angst you won't take the baby steps to make it better.  I know, answering the question "what do you do" when you don't love what you do, sucks.  AND figuring out what makes your heart sing is a priceless gift you can give yourself.  So don't give up.  Remind yourself why you enjoy the holidays (even if it is just the fact you get to eat christmas cookies) and savor every one of those moments.

For those of you who have figured out what makes your heart sing--congratulations!  As you go through your holiday merriment remember the struggle it use to be to answer the question "what do you do?" and have some generosity of sprit for those who are struggling.

Have any other tips? Feel free to share how you have survived the "what do you do?" question in the comment section!!

Happy Holidays!

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Just in time for the holidays-Do you know someone who is struggling to work happier and find a career that makes their heart sing?  Gift certificates are a great way to give that special someone the gift of living and working happier.  Check out the shop on my website for more information!!

Live Happier Tip: Stay in your Own Car

One of my favorite reminders to myself comes from Iyanla Vanzant, it is a simple quote which says, "stay in your own car".  Which basically is a nice way of saying, mind your own business.  For me, it is a reminder that the only person I am ultimately responsible for and have complete control over is myself.   

For example,  a loved one, acquaintance, or friend comes to you with a problem, maybe it is a dead-end job, or a dysfunctional relationship.  It is a true principle in my experience that frequently we can see other's stuff before they can and vice versa.  Have you ever left a job or a relationship only to have your friends say "about time" "we have been waiting for you to figure that out".  They had seen it wasn't a good fit for you months or years before you had and never bothered to tell you. OR they did tell you, they got out of their car and into yours and tried to show you exactly why you were making the wrong decisions.  And what did you do?  You probably just stopped talking to them about that particular problem.   However, I am also a big believer we can only see what we are ready to deal with and process.  So even though I may see that someone is in the wrong job--if they aren't ready to deal with the ramifications and soul searching necessary to find a new job then they won't make a move. 

Basically as hard as it is, it is not our job to fix people.  It is our job to be present, hold the space and help them reach their maximum potential, in their time.  Let me repeat that, help them reach THEIR potential not what we think their potential is not what we wish their potential to be but THEIR potential.  As I said earlier this week, we are all a work in progress.  We are all trying to be the best we can be, and sometimes we take wrong turns, get detoured and just down right stuck.  But we need those around us, our precious Pooh's to patiently hold our hands and help us through the times when life seems bleak.  We need people who are willing to stay in their car and keep us company on the journey.

So often we think we know best, truth be told, we might be able to see 'what's best' for someone before they can.  But what we can't see is their journey, their path, their potential.  We can't see what lessons they need to learn and why.  We can't see what lessons their current 'challenges' might be offering for the future. Even if their car is destined for a crash, it is our job to support them before the crash, during the crash and after the crash, from our car.  So often we spend all of our time trying to 'rescue' other people and drive their cars, we forget to drive our own.  

In my opinion in order to live happier and work happier, we have to learn how to let people be where they are, on their own path, in their own car.  We need to accept they are doing the best they can with what they have.  Not that they won't learn and grow eventually, but for now they are where they need to be. Our role is to help them reach their potential by supporting their journey and respecting THEIR journey which is not necessarily ours. 

So the next time you catch yourself getting out of your car and trying to drive someone else's ask yourself--am I REALLY helping them on THEIR journey?  And most importantly, What am I missing/ trying to avoid on my journey by not driving my own car?  

A Work in Progress

A friend of mine is a voracious reader of self-help books.  She is constantly reading and sharing a new insight she has received from one book or another.  Recently she had the realization that she was obsessed with self-help books in the quest to fill up the hole she felt inside that 'she wasn't enough'.  If ONLY she could become as enlightened or as grounded THEN she would be happy.  For many of us who are on the quest to be happier (in work and life) we can get stuck on this treadmill of trying to 'get fixed' so we can be enough and then be happy.

I have a love/hate relationship with self-help books.  Heck, you might even argue that this is a self-help blog.  The danger of looking for help outside of ourselves in a book or blog is that somewhere the belief comes in that we aren't enough---we need to be fixed.  We lose the important fact that the answers are within.

It isn't about arriving or becoming it is about BEING. Being present to your anxiety, perfectionism, laziness, greed, desire, fear and gluttony. Being present to your joy, laughter, happiness, excitement, and energy. Being present, to all of the pain, the muck, the joy, the fear, the anxiety, and the roller coaster of it all. You don't need to be fixed, you just need to be still, present, quiet, and true to your own voice.

I believe life is a journey.  There is no end, there is no RIGHT answer.  We just keep spiraling up, getting better and better at being our unique wonderful selves. In my opinion,the point of living happier is being the best YOU possible.  When we can accept ourselves as is with all of our failings and gifts, all of our blessings and challenges, then we are on the road to enlightenment.  The disappointing news is there isn't one answer, there isn't an IF ONLY I figure (fill-in-the-blank) I will be content.  This journey is a hard one.  But give yourself a break because as long as you wake up each morning with the desire to be the best you possible, you are on the path.

So often we think we need to be fixed.  If only we acted our higher self all the time, if only we were perfect, if only we didn't over indulge, if only, if only, if only...  So today pay attention to how many times you berate yourself by throwing a SHOULD or an IF ONLY on yourself, and then have a little compassion.  Remind yourself you don't need to be fixed, you are fine as is.  You are a wonderful work in progress, right where you need to be.  You are enough.

Here's to the quest of balancing the challenge of living and working happier with the love and compassion for where you are in the process. To being a wonderfully unique, work in progress!!!

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Just in time for the holidays-Do you know someone who is struggling to work happier and find a career that makes their heart sing?  Gift certificates are a great way to give that special someone the gift of living and working happier.  Check out the shop on my website for more information!!

Enjoy the Pause.

Tomorrow we officially kick off the Holiday season with Thanksgiving.  I do love this holiday.  I love the idea of having a day of thanks, being grateful and gathering with friends and family to eat a big yummy meal!!   This holiday was founded on the idea of taking time out, taking a pause from the rush of life to reflect and be thankful.

However, as I write, I am struck that for some people, my clients, my friends even myself from time to time, gratitude can be a challenge.  Sometimes we really have to dig deep to find the gratitude in our lives.  Perhaps in the past year, you have lost a loved one, a job, or maybe you are going through a divorce.  Maybe the economy has put a crimp in your style and you are frustrated.  Sometimes life deals us a bad hand, sometimes we are frustrated, discouraged and just down right exhausted.  When we are feeling lost and frustrated the simple reminder of "be grateful" and "count your blessings" can get old.  No matter how much we KNOW we should count our blessings, sometimes it is just hard.

So if you or someone you know has come to this Thanksgiving Holiday not feeling quite as thankful as last year, that's ok.  Maybe all you can muster for your gratitude this year is that you are alive or that you have a place to gather for the holiday.  That's ok.  In my opinion, the point of this holiday isn't to make us feel bad because we don't feel as jolly as we SHOULD, it is to remind us to take a pause in our lives.  Thanksgiving reminds us to take stock of all the little things that make up our lives, the small every day blessings including:  a warm bed, the smell of coffee in the morning, listening to your favorite song, wearing your most comfy sweater and gathering with friends and family.  Sometimes we do have to dig deep to recognize the blessings amongst  the pain.

This Thanksgiving take chance to breathe in the natural pause. The time to gather with friends and family and to reflect on what the past year has brought both the joys and the sorrows.  Give yourself a break--literally!!   Be thankful for all the little blessings you have, mourn the losses that have occurred and embrace the complexities of doing both.  By taking the time to celebrate our blessings and honor our losses we will continue to live happier lives.

A brief shout out to the small joys in my life that I am so thankful for:  A career that makes my heart sing, my nearest and dearest who supports and loves me with all my imperfections, my family who remains a warm soft blanket even as time forces us to shift and change, my friends who continually challenge support and love me through it all and my pets who make me laugh and feel unconditionally loved on a daily basis!!  I am truly blessed and will happily enjoy the pause of this Thanksgiving.

Enjoy the Pause, Happy Thanksgiving!!

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Just in time for the holidays-Do you know someone who is struggling to work happier and find a career that makes their heart sing?  Gift certificates are a great way to give that special someone the gift of living and working happier.  Check out the shop on my website for more information!!

Blow it all up.

Fear.  It is a common theme when it comes to any type of change.  Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of just making a fool of yourself.  Regardless of what the fear is--if we are contemplating a change it is usually there.  There is only one way to fight the fear (or as I like to call it the Fear Monger) and that is by going through it.  Unfortunately, going through the fear is hard!!!  Fighting the fear,  involves intentionality, awareness, perseverance and moving pebbles, as well as mountains.  

Occasionally, I will have clients who decide to bypass the Fear Monger and just blow it all up. They decide to just 'blow up' the parts of their lives that aren't working.   Quit their job without having a plan B, leave their spouse without any explanation, or move to Denver with no notice.  

From time to time and for some people this works.  I know I have been known to quit a job with a very loose back up plan in place.  But I also didn't have a family to support and knew exactly how long the money in my savings would last me.  So although the decision appeared irrational I had a plan, a loose one, but it was a plan.   

I am talking about the people who have no plan, who have no inkling of a plan B, no regard for their values or priorities, for the family or the loved ones they are hurting by their actions.  It is my theory that when you get the urge to just blow it up without measuring the consequences or the pain--it is because fear is in the way.

Yesterday, I talked about a client who was afraid of 'selling out'.  She had a lot of fear around leaving her job. Security was very important to her as was supporting her family. However, frequently she would talk about just walking in and giving her 2 weeks notice and going back to school.  I admit when she talked about doing this her face would light up and she would get very excited---usually a sign to me that someone is on the right track.  She was on the right track--she was just trying to take the long road around the fear monger rather then go through the doubts, insecurities and fears that were in her face.  This long road could involve, debt, not being able to afford her child's college education, keeping her husband from pursuing his dreams, and taking time away from her children as she went back to school.  Now none of those things are life threatening but they were very much against her values of financial security (e.g. no debt)  and family (e.g. her husbands dreams, spending time with her children).  So when she started talking about blowing it all up--I started getting curious about her fears.  Turns out the Fear Monger was running rampant in her brain,  she was full of self doubt, insecurity and anxiety about going back to school.  

The kicker is that even if she blows everything up and takes the long road around the fear monger and just quits her job, heads back to school she STILL has to eventually face the fears.  She HAS to go through the Fear Monger eventually.  She has to deal with herself, face her doubts and fears about trying something new, going back to school and risking her family's security. Because although her job is making her unhappy, it is herself her self doubt and negative self talk that is keeping her in that place.  She has to learn how to deal with herself and make change within herself, facing the fear one step at a time.  

Her fear isn't going anywhere, it will just be temporarily covered by the carnage of the "blow it all up" bomb.  Basically she will have to face all these doubts after causing her family thousands of dollars of debt and loss of valuable time both things she highly values OR she can face her fears one step at a time as she plans the best way to move forward.  It isn't that quitting her job and going back to school is a bad idea.  The point is there are 2 ways to go about her plan. 1. blow it all up and deal with the pain and consequences later  2. make a plan for quitting her job and going back to school that fits with her values, priorities and obligations 

I know when my clients get the temptation to blow it all up with no regard for the consequences it means 2 things.  One they are on the right path and two we are in the midst of their Fear Monger.  Change is not easy and if there is one thing that gets the Fear Monger active it is when we are thinking about making a change. When we take one step at a time, face our doubts and fears, keep in mind our values and priorities and make a plan towards achieving what makes our heart sing, we can work happier and live happier. 

When have you been tempted to blow it all up with no regards for the consequences?  

Selling Out.

For some reason, the question of "Am I selling out ?" has been a regular theme in my office these days.  There is always the line between dreaming big and handeling our day to day responsibilities.  Many of my clients have families, medical bills, student loans or aging parents which keep them from being able to quit their job and take off after their dream.  It is my belief while it would be fantastic to be able to drop everything and single mindedly pursue working happier we need to also balance the other priorities and values in our lives.

I had a client who came to me because she didn't enjoy her job--it was ok but not perfectly fitted for her.  Basically she was bored and uninspired.  However, it did bring home a decent paycheck, allowed her some flexibility and enabled her to provide for her family and have time to spend with them when needed.  When she came into my office one of the first things we did was look at her values.  She was married and had 3 children one of whom was getting ready to head off to college.  Not surprisingly family, financial security, and personal development were in her top three values.  She had a lot of anxiety and fear around leaving her job and losing the security.  From the very first session we talked about how the beauty of her situation was that she had time to figure out what to do next.  We could face her fears in baby steps. Because she wan't miserable or at risk of losing her job she could take the next 3-5 years to establish and plan her next steps. We figured out that she might want to go back to school for a different degree and we started laying out an easy practical way to explore schools/financial aid and began formulating a 10 year plan.  However, each time she entered my office she was borderline panicked about figuring it out, making the right choice and not 'selling out.'  Somewhere along the line she convinced herself that if she didn't make the choice 'right now' she would be selling out.  She kept saying "I don't want to sell out but I want to provide for my kids and have time with my family".

The point of this entire--figure out what makes your heart sing, do what you love, work happier lifestyle is simply to live happier.  For some, that means working a job that is 'good enough' while you search for another more meaningful job at some point in the future.  For others, it means quitting your job with nothing and then figuring it out.  There is no selling out unless you are choosing to stay stuck, to not explore, question or have curiosity.  My definition of selling out is when we give up on ourselves and our dreams.  Selling out is saying "all I deserve is good enough", or convincing yourself good enough is ok forever.

Life is full of choices and limitations but that doesn't mean we need to give up on our dreams.  It also doesn't mean that we need to be accomplishing all of our dreams right now.  In my opinion, the point of living happier is to be the best you possible--if that means working a 'so-so' job because you need the health benefits while you figure out what's next rock on. If that means you take a part time retail job while you pursue a different degree--go for it!

Just because you have different priorities and values in your life doesn't mean you are selling out. Selling out is letting those priorities become long term distractions/excuses and road blocks.  Working Happier is recognizing what our priorities are and then figuring out how to work with them in building a life that makes us happier.

What do you think? What is your definition of selling out?  How do you know when you are selling out?

It's NOT About the Economy.

If one more person tells me "I can't look for a new job, the economy sucks".  I might just scream.  Yes, the economy is bad, the stock market is volatile,  people have lost their retirement funds and unemployment is high.  I agree if you have a job be thankful.  If you are unhappy in your job--start looking.  Yes, I said, 'start looking' meaning explore, get curious, check out what is out there and what you might enjoy doing.   I am not saying go into your boss and quit tomorrow because you read this blog.  I am saying stop using the economy as an excuse to not explore what else is out there that might make your heart sing.

The 'economy sucks' excuse keeps us safe and secure and risk free. It keeps food on the table and a shelter over our head (all needed and necessary items).   It also keeps us stuck in a job we dislike and too afraid to look into what else is out there.  It costs us nothing to explore what jobs are open on monster.com, what classes are available at the local college, what we value, what we are good at, or what we have always wanted to do.  There are 1,000s of ways to explore what makes our heart sing that cost next to nothing and don't require quitting our current job. We can have curiosity around ourselves, the resources that are available and how we can take advantage of both for free!!   So it isn't about the economy.

You know what it IS about?  Your fear.  It is that little tiny voice in the back of your head saying, you can't be wrong AGAIN, you can't do THAT,  what would mom think,  you are too stupid, lazy, or unqualified and on and on and on.  The reason we don't explore what is out there is because that voice gets louder and louder and louder and makes us more and more uncomfortable until we just stay put, stay  trapped, stay in the so/so.  It is this fear monger, that constantly plays the message of 'you can't ______' over and over.  It is so good we frequently can't even identify it.  It is the fear monger that has come up with the wonderful excuse of the economy.  Fortunately these days we can convince ourselves it is the economy--a convenient excuse.  

I know first hand the struggle clients are having in finding jobs because of the economy.  I watch my clients who are unemployed on a daily basis struggling with resumes, networking and cover letters. I also watch them have curiosity about themselves, and have the courage to face their fears.  They stare down the fear monger that has taken residence in their head and put one step in front of the other.  Looking for a job that will put food on the table while working towards the end goal of the career that allows them to work happier.

The first step in defeating the fear monger is recognizing its existence.  I guarantee you if you are saying to yourself "I can't look for a new job the economy sucks" and aren't taking any steps to make a change--you are in the presence of the fear monger.  So today let's change the message: Stop blaming the economy and start facing your fear monger.

Today pay attention to your fear monger----what excuse is it giving you to not take small/no cost steps towards working happier?

Wear Sunscreen

This weekend I was exploring my nearest and dearest's Itunes collection and stumbled upon this lovely blast from the past.  It is a song from the 90s by Baz Luhrman, an Australian Film Director.  The words were written by Mary Schmich a columnist for the Chicago Tribune, as the commencement speech she would give if she were ever asked to give one.

Regardless--I love this song and find the words very inspiring.  It gives me goose bumps every time I listen to it (and I have listened to it frequently this week).  So please allow me a mindless diversion as we head into the weekend.  Enjoy!!

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future,

sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists,

whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh nevermind,

you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself

and recall in a way you can’t grasp now, how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked,

you are not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind,
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts,

don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy, sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,

the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults,

if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life,

the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22

what they wanted to do with their lives,

some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,

Maybe you’ll divorce at 40,

Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary

What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either

Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can, don’t be afraid of it,

or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own

Dance,
even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings, they are the best link to your past

and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,

the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard,

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,

you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young

prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,

Maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia,

dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off,

painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

There is No Wrong Way

One of the most common things I hear in my office is "My next step in my career has to be RIGHT, I have made too many wrong moves up to this point".

I always cringe when I hear this statement.  One because it puts A LOT of pressure on the next step (which usually results in a bit of paralysis).  Two it discounts everything the client has done in the past that got them where they are today.

Our past makes up who we are today.  All the memories, actions, decisions, regrets, thoughts, ideas, training, degrees and jobs combine to make us complete full human beings.  We get so caught up in doing it 'right' making the 'right move' we forget that  life is a process and so is our career.  There are thousands of reasons we make the choices we do:

Maybe you chose your major in college because your dad thought it would be sensible.
Maybe you took your first job just because it paid well, or it was the first company that offered you a job.  Maybe you fell into your current job and now 10+ years later you realize you don't really like it.
Maybe you thought with all your heart you wanted to be a teacher and now you realize that teaching isn't what you thought it would be.

We all make choices, some are made for us, some are logical, some make sense at the time and some are random and emotional.  The key is to look at each and every one and ask yourself why those decisions made sense at the time and what you have learned from living them.

Maybe sensible to your dad is boring to you and now you know the difference.
Maybe being paid well isn't as freeing as you thought it would be and now you want to do a job you love.
Maybe in 10+ years you didn't move up as much as you thought you would.
Maybe you can find something that allows you to teach just not in the school system.

When a client utters this sentence I encourage them to litany all the 'bad' decisions they have made and explain A. why they are bad decisions and B. where they would be or who they would be if they hadn't made them.  Inevitably they realize usually through a bit of laughter, that there decisions although might appear 'bad' now, made sense for who they were at the time.  Most importantly they realize how much they have grown and learned from the decisions of their past.

Our path maybe messy, winding, backwards and full of detours but every decision, memory, feeling and doubt, we experienced makes us who we are today.  Those experiences make us the rich, vibrant human beings we are supposed to be.  When we 'get it wrong' that really just means we tried something new--we took a risk.  Isn't that what life is about--taking risks?  They key is to learn from our past experiences (the mistakes and the victories) so that the risks become more and more measured, and calculated.  

How do you spend your 86,400?

Today I want you to ask yourself some pretty basic questions:  How do you spend your time?  Do you like what you are doing?  Do you like with whom you are doing it?

I have found some of the most basic questions are often the most life changing.  So many people in this world are walking around miserable, feeling lost and out of control.  Whether stuck in a miserable job, a dead-end relationship or a hanging with friends they really don't like.  Yes there are always thing we HAVE to do, but in reality when we ask ourselves do we HAVE to do this the list is pretty short.  We have to make enough money to cover our expenses, we have to take care of our car (if we want to drive anywhere) we have to take care of our bodies (if we want to keep moving) and we have to pay taxes. (I am sure there are others--but those are the basics)  In reality, how you spend your time is largely up to you.

Frequently when I ask clients those 3 questions they stare at me blankly, as if to say, of course I hate my job but I enjoy my time elsewhere.  Inevitably when they come back either the next session or 2-3 sessions later, they admit they really don't like how they spend their time and they really had never seriously thought about it.    There is a great story about Time:

Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400.  It carries no balance from day to day. Every evening it wipes clean whatever part of the amount you failed to use during the day. 

What would you do? 

Draw out every cent, of course!

Well, everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME.Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. 

It carries over no balance. 
It allows no overdraft. 
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records of the day. 

If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.  There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". 

You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

The point is we all have choices, we all have control over how we spend our time and with whom we spend it.  One of the easiest and best ways to both work and live happier--is to pay attention to how much you enjoy your time?  How much of your 86,400 seconds do you spend wishing away, counting down or just, totally miserable?  What do you want to add to your life to make it more rich, vibrant, life affirming? Or in practical terms, what do you want to add to your life that will make you a little happier?

Do you want to find a new job, explore a new hobby, take a hike on Saturday afternoon rather then camping in front of the TV,  go out with your friends more frequently, try a new restaurant, or make a different recipe?  We need to take stock of how we are spending out time, with whom we are spending it and what changes if any we need to make.

Time is valuable, the point of life is to engage in it passionately.  To spend our 86,400 seconds in a career that makes our heart sing, relationships that support and up lift us and activities that engage our soul!

What activities do you engage in that'waste' your 86,400 seconds?
What activities do you engage in that feed your soul?
How can you add more of question 2 to your life?

My First Video Blog (aka Vlog): A Few Thoughts on Fear

Today I am SO excited to present my first video blog.  I have been wanting to do this for MONTHS and have been too afraid to attempt it.  Therefore I decided to do a little sharing on fear.  Hope you enjoy!

The Power in What We Cannot Measure

Recently I was watching a talk given by Peter Sellars, an American Theater Director.  He was talking about the importance of financing the arts.   I love it when things completely unrelated to my field jump out and inspire me!

 "Does your grandmother love you?  You can't measure that. And it's all the things that cannot be measured that are the most important things in your life"--Peter Sellars

I have been thinking about that quote a lot recently. In our quest to be live happier, reach goals, be inspired, and strive for perfection we look for ways to measure our success.  Whether it be the number of years married, a nice car, big house or the grades our children receive, we all have standards of measurement that we keep tally of in our head.  Maybe we share these measurements with other people, maybe we don't.  Regardless we are all walking around seeing if we 'stack up' to the standards we have set in our heads.

At the end of our lives, will those standards or measurements, matter?  Will it matter how much money we made, how many degrees we have, how many houses we own or miles we can run?  No, what matters is: do our children respect us, did we love deeply, were we leaving people happier after they interacted with us?

Goals are a wonderful tool.  As you know I am a big believer that having goals helps us live happier.  We all need something we are working towards.  And logically the only way to know if we accomplished a goal is if we can measure it.  Yes, having goals and accomplishing them are keys to happiness.  AND we also need to remember life is a balance.

So from time to time we need to regroup, refocus and make sure we aren't losing sight of the things in our life that we can't measure--the love we receive from our friends/family, the joy we get from watching our children play, the thrill of having a day  to sleep in, the sadness that comes from losing a pet.  It is in these little every day, unmeasurable items that we find happiness, joy, purpose and meaning.

The key is recognizing that from time to time we need to step off the treadmill of life, stop asking ourselves if we have accomplished enough and embrace the immeasurable bounty we have in our lives.

What are some of the immeasurable blessings you have in your life?

It's in the Journey not the Destination.

One of the biggest struggles, I believe my clients have the fear of making the 'wrong choice'.  There is so much build up to making a career change they get stuck in the fear and the 'what if'ing' . It is common for all of us to forget that life is a journey, and therefore so is our career path.

Even when we find the right relationship, we settle down and get married.   We still know there will be bumps, days we are struggling or arguing and maybe even questioning why did I pick this person?   Then there are days of happiness, joy, excitement when you know for sure deep down yep this is the person for me.  Same is true for careers.  Even when you have a career you LOVE  there might be days that are fantastic wonderful glorious and their might be days that are miserable, challenging, and full of questions.

It is messy.  I said this week to a friend of mine, "Everyone I know who is now happy in a career isn't afraid to embrace the mess."  Because we get stuck in the fear and the beliefs around what if I make the wrong choice or what if I mess up my career by picking wrong, we do nothing. We stay stuck and miserable in a career that is just enough. But the people I know who have a career that makes their heart sing, have taken some crazy paths.

Person 1:
received her RN,
worked at the hospital (hated it),
worked as a home health care worker,
stayed at home to raise her children
became a school nurse for 30+ years
simultaneously went back to school to get her masters in health education,
Currently in her retirement does a lot of work with health education and keeping the school kids aware and educated.

Person 2:
degree in journalism,
worked at a newspaper for years,
insurance salesman,
car salesman,
landscape architect (owned his own business)
Recently got his vet tech degree and works for a local vet and loves it!

Person 3:
degree in education
worked at a pool all through school--loved it
taught for  few years (didn't like it)
nursing school (struggled with classes)
taught again
massage therapy school
various jobs while 'figuring it out'
Swim teacher/aquatics director--loves it!

Now do they love every aspect of their jobs--no--would they describe themselves as working happier--yes.

Yes, we all know PLENTY of people who have picked one job and been happy with it their entire lives.  But even those folks, have made tweaks, added educational experience, moved departments , etc.  They have engaged in the activities that make their heart sing--just maybe not as messily as the rest of us.

This is a process, a messy on-going, spiraling up process.  It is not a destination.   It doesn't matter how many steps it takes you to get there.  As Jen Curran so lovely described even though her journey hasn't taken her where she thought it would in the time she envisioned she is still following her bliss:  "I'm now working happier by learning not to define myself and my success by my paycheck job and not to put so much pressure on my dream job to materialize into the perfect career right away.  It will all come in good time."

We get stuck on finding the dream--so stuck we don't want to make any moves at all that aren't 'right'.

 If you hear anything from this blog post hear this:  You will never know if you have made the right move until you make it  All life is risk, getting married, traveling, finding a job.

Anytime we are making a decision we are going to leave something behind--but when we get stuck in the this decision has to be right trap, we become paralyzed.  So with quality guidance and solid processes we can figure out what comes next, how to start on the journey of working happier and living happier one solid decision at a time.

Ironically after I wrote this blog post a client of mine sent me this interesting article by Cal Newport that has a different spin on the same content.   The Danger of the Dream Job Illusion.   He writes about the danger of getting stuck in looking for the perfect dream job.

 I believe as humans we are happier when we dream.   There is no danger in dreaming--the trick is combining our dreams with our practical every day needs of life.

Work Happier Live Happier Spotlight: Jen Curran

Welcome to the Work Happier Live Happier Spotlight.  Today I am thrilled to be interviewing Jen Curran.  I have referred to Jen and her wisdom a few times on this blog.

I wanted to interview Jen not just because she is a wonderful writer, but because she is currently on the journey that I encourage everyone

One of the many, many things Jen does is write:  Follow My Bliss which is an exploration of her life before and after quitting her 'just good enough' desk job and go on the quest to follow her bliss.  Jen eloquently expresses that working happier is a process, not an end destination.

Her brief bio written in her own words:  I'm Jen Curran.  I'm 29. I'm a writer, a comedian and an actor.  I live in Brooklyn with my sweet boyfriend and our two cats.  Last year I quit my job to follow my bliss.  

I write a lot about working happier, many of us are on a quest to work happier. What has your work happier journey been so far?

My work happier journey has been a winding one. In college, I went to acting school, dropped out, eventually went back, and finally graduated without a clear understanding of what I really wanted to do for a living. I knew I loved performing, but I didn't think I could actually make money as an actor. In the meantime, I held office jobs, temp jobs, babysitting jobs and more office jobs, all while performing comedy shows with my friends on the nights and weekends. I didn't exactly have a "direction," so to speak, but I was in my mid-twenties and I wasn't worried. I had all the time in the world!

But sometime during the year that I was 28-years-old, I started to become aware that turning 30 was just around the corner and I felt a little panicked. Suddenly, I became terrified by the threat of working directionless office jobs while kinda sorta maybe trying to be a comedian and an actor for the rest of my life. I knew I needed to make some commitments and decisions about my future. So I devised a plan, saved some money and eventually quit my office job to pursue acting, writing and to open a small business with a friend.

Quitting that job was a very freeing and educational experience for me. I ended up spending a full year not really working for anyone but myself. I concentrated mostly on my baking business and my creative pursuits. It was exciting. It was also exhausting. And I was shocked to discover that sometimes I even felt bored. The "freedom" I'd dreamed about having before I quit my job wasn't as relaxing and inspiring as I thought it would be - in fact it wasn't freedom at all. I'd imagined I'd take yoga classes five times a week, go for jogs in the park near my apartment, cook impressive meals and keep the house clean. Instead I sometimes felt stifled, unmotivated, overworked and unsure of how to move forward. I didn't have a clear direction or tangible goals set for myself, so I floundered.

Despite those struggles, I did make some incredible professional strides during that time. I learned to take risks, I made some great connections and I landed some fun freelance opportunities as a writer. My performance skills improved a lot and I even started teaching acting to other comedians. And my comedy group had some exciting success that validated our years of hard work together. I also discovered - before it was too late, thank God - that I didn't want to own and operate my own bakery.

At the end of that year, I was felt a little dazed and confused about what I'd just been through. I knew I still wanted to pursue my acting and writing career, but I didn't have specific goals in mind yet. It was then that I realized I needed another paycheck job to fill in the gaps. So I went back to an office job.

A year older, many, many experiences wiser, and with a much more solid understanding of what I want to be when I grow up, I'm now working happier by learning not to define myself and my success by my paycheck job and not to put so much pressure on my dream job to materialize into the perfect career right away. It will all come in good time.

I absolutely love this quote from Howard Thurman: Don't ask what the world needs, Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it! Because what the worlds needs is people who come alive. What are the activities you engage in when feel most alive?

Writing. Specifically when I get to do so without parameters. Acting. Working and traveling with my sketch comedy group. Performing improv comedy. Yoga and running (though I haven't done either in a while!). Playing with animals. Eating something that makes my taste buds freak out. Decorating for the holidays. Swimming. Driving....I could go on, but I won't.

Another thing I've learned in the last few years of trying to work happier is how essential it is to find joy in the mundane moments of life: when your train comes on time, when there's a perfect breeze, when you finally get that piece of mail you've been waiting for, when the dog jumps in your lap or the cat comes by for a snuggle. These are silly moments, but life happens in silly, wonderful, fleeting, odd moments. Your job won't make you happy. Choosing to create happiness no matter what your circumstance will.

You took the ultimate risk and quit you safe day job because as you say it wasn't quite good enough". I know there are many people who can relate to that feeling but don't quite have the hutzpah

What gave me the final push was looking around me and seeing so many people who were following their own bliss and chasing their own dreams without a net to catch them. I felt like I was always reading articles and blog posts about people who didn't like where they were so they made the brave choice to change it. I knew if they could do it, I could do it too. It's about trusting your abilities and your instincts.

Having a safe job can be a wonderful thing because it can afford you the financial means to pursue other passions. But if your safe job keeps you from setting and realizing your own personal and professional goals, it's not a safe job - it's a dangerous job. Don't get stuck in a rut. The routine of waking up, going to work at a job that doesn't excite or inspire you, coming home, watching TV and going to bed might be enough for some people, but there's nothing wrong with wanting more out of life. So go find more! Sometimes it takes just shaking things up for a little while to realize exactly what you're looking for. If you feel stuck, seek out change - big or small. For instance, even if you can't quit your safe job because you need the paycheck, maybe look for another safe job that has some of the qualities your current job lacks. Any change is positive. And you're the only person controlling your destiny.

Many people believe once they find the work that makes their heart sing the journey is over. What I love about your blog is that it realistically details the joys and challenges of that process. What have you found to be your biggest joys and challenges?

Since I'm now back at a paycheck job, it goes without saying that one of my biggest challenges in finding and exploring work I'm passionate about was earning enough money to live without worry.

When I left my job, the things I planned to pursue during my time off were all over the map. I lived off savings and the occasional earnings from my various enterprises, but I realized in time that my goals still needed some additional funding. Hence the choice to go back to a desk job after a year doing my own thing. Making that decision was a challenge, but being broke was a bigger challenge. I plan to use the structure and routine of my new job to help me to set some new goals career goals and work toward them every day, while enjoying some financial security in the meantime.

All that said, the biggest joy of following my bliss has been learning to listen to my instincts and to trust myself unconditionally. I left my last job because I just wasn't happy there. There was no need to beat myself up about that fact, or to wish I could be someone I'm not. And when I discovered that owning and operating my own bakery wasn't exactly up my alley either, I didn't continue on with it just because I'd started it. I chose to listen to my instincts and focus on other aspects of my career. Living my life that way - by trusting that I will make the choice that is best for me - is incredibly freeing. I don't feel guilty about my decisions and I don't worry about other people's judgment of my choices anymore. And I didn't feel that way before embarking on this journey.

You can continue to here about Jen's journey on her blog:  Follow my Bliss

Changing the World One Act of Love at a Time

Earlier this month I came across a quote from Mother Theresa that really struck me.  In reality, almost everything in this woman's life is striking.  "Spread love wherever you go, let no one come to you without leaving happier".---Mother Theresa

One thing that was so amazing about Mother Theresa was her humility, her humanness.  She wasn't looking to change the world by making broad sweeping policies, major shifts in thinking through blog posts or twitter messages.  She was looking to change the world one person at a time.  Shifting the world by being a gentle soul, and validating every human's right to be on this planet and receive love, kindness, warmth, food and housing.

Sometimes when we are on the journey to Work and Live Happier we are so busy looking at the big picture we forget the little things.  We forget the joy that comes from smiling at your neighbor, holding the door for a stranger, or listening to your friend vent about their annoying day. As you know,  I believe one of the most important things we can do on this earth is do something that makes our heart sing.  Occassionally in the quest to find something BIG to do with our lives we miss the simplicity of it all.  One of the main ways we can live happier, is to share ourselves and our gifts in small ways with other people. While big fabulous dreams are awesome and necessary in life.  It is also important to remember that we can change the world, one person at a time by being kind, present and genuine with the people we interact with on a daily basis

Frequently my nearest and dearest will teach me this lesson that it is in the small things.  Even if he comes home tired, and frustrated from his day he will always sit down and ask me about my day--listening intently, celebrating my victories or supporting my disappointments.  That time, (and in reality it is usually no more than 10 minutes) is such a gift to me, to be heard, witnessed, celebrated and supported.  And I know I am not the only one who he 'shows up for' it is his gift to just be present and he shares it one loving act at a time.

Don't discount the little things. Don't discount how your presence, your gifts can change the world one person at a time. Just think how amazing the world would be if we all set the intention of just being kind and loving to whomever we met on a day to day basis.  We would all Live Happier!!

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Thanks to Dave Parker for the image of joy and love above.

Why Strive to Work and Live Happier?

Lately I have been thinking why is it I do what I do? Why should all of you, lovely readers, be looking for a career that makes your heart sing and a life that makes your filled with joy? So here it is: my manifesto (if I can be so bold) on why we all should be striving to Work Happier and Live Happier


Life is too short. Yes, sometimes the days seem long and we are all tired, exhausted and depleted. But in reality-life is short, we are honestly here one minute and gone the next. The other day I was driving by a cemetery and started thinking about all the tombstones, representing all the stories, dreams, hopes, and desires of the individuals buried there. On those grounds, lie brothers, sisters, mothers, daughters and sons who have blessed this earth with their presence and left wives, children, grand-children and great-grand-children. They too were burdened by the stresses of daily life and just trying to put one foot in front of the other. But I am sure they would agree, life comes and go so fast. Do you want to be stuck in a job that depletes you and live your life numbing out to TV, video games and Facebook? OR do you want to be living a life that engages your gifts, showcases your values and generally feeds your soul?

It's why we are here. I believe we are all here to express our unique selves. In my belief, that it is both our obligation and our birth-right to celebrate and learn as much about ourselves as possible and share that with the world. Whether you gift is to run a multi-million dollar corporation or make really good apple pie! It doesn't matter what your unique talent is, the point is if you aren't engaged in life-those around you don't get to experience your fabulous gifts. If you are stuck in job you hate and spending your time doing activities you despise, you aren't sharing your greatness with the world. I believe when we start interacting with the world by searching for the activities that feed our soul and celebrating them, the world gives back to us through energy, love and even finances--yes I said it finances. Maybe not a TON of finances, maybe we have to get creative, but we can make a living doing the what we love. We each have a unique purpose. The journey of life is about finding it and discovering the best possible way to share that with the world.

We all have choices. Sometimes we need to get creative. I admit one of the hardest parts about my job is when a client comes in and says I know what I want to do but based on my life choices I can't do it. I want to be own a restaurant but I also have 3 kids under the age of 15 that I want to spend time with and earn enough money to send them to college. Inevitably, I spend a session or two explaining the beauty of creativity and choices. A. we need to figure out what are your long term dreams B. what are your short term needs C. How can we combine the two to make life in the present more bearable while also helping you achieve the long term dream. So many of us are too afraid to ask the question, What is my purpose? Because we are too afraid that we won't be able to achieve the dream. But in my view, the point of life is to ask the tough questions, get creative on the answers and end up living a life that is more full and complete. We can chose to live a life that expresses our values, interests, passions and joys or we can chose to remain small allowing dead end jobs, activities or relationships suck the energy from our live so we are merely surviving our lives rather than live it.

It's all about Spiraling Up. If we aren't moving forward we are stagnant and stale. I know so many people who have refused to ask the tough questions, refused to make any changes, refused to take any risks. And their lives have remained empty, full of sadness, blame and manipulation. The journey, isn't an easy one but better to be on the journey then stuck in a pool of depletion, defeat and fear. I don't care if you life dream is to own a bed and breakfast, be on Oprah or make the best tasting lasagna, the bottom line is if we aren't chasing our dreams we aren't living.

Bottom line--Life is Messy. It is a rich, layered, multi-faceted and dynamic. It is full of joy, fear, doubts, happiness, laughter, tears, insecurity and sheer bliss. When we get off the couch and out of our ruts we can start figuring out the career, activities and people that feed our soul. Then we can get creative on how to add more of these dynamic energies into our lives. I am not guaranteeing a life of sheer bliss if you start striving to work and live happier. I AM guaranteeing a life that is more vibrant, colorful, cherished, witnessed and expressed.

The question isn't: Why would you strive to Work and Live Happier? The question is: Why Wouldn't you?

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Thanks to Pink Sherbet Photography for the wonderful vibrant photo!

Letting Go of the Need to Justify

Every now and then someone will say something that just stops you in your tracks.  Many years ago, a mentor of mine said to me, "You don't need to justify, prove or defend the decisions in your life".  She went on to say, your decisions are your decisions people don't have to approve of them to make them better or worse. At the time, it was a revolutionary statement for me.  I was practically paralyzed in my life because every decision I made had to be rational and logical.  Even now from time to time I have to remind myself that I don't need to justify, prove or defend why I choose to do something. Fortunately I have people in my world, like my nearest and dearest, who can lovingly remind me when this old habit comes into play and I try to always make the "right" decision--when in reality it doesn't matter.

As I work with clients on working and living happier-inevitably this topic comes up.  We get in the habit of explaining our lives, explaining our emotions, justifying our decisions and making them 'ok' to the outside world.  When we live our lives in justification mode, it is challenging to make decisions that go against the grain of what others might think is best for us.

A few years ago I had a client who really wanted to leave her job--the same one she had been working at for the past 20 years--and her family (brothers and sisters) kept telling her she was crazy.  Her spouse was supportive and gave her a lot of room to explore and even offered to support her if she needed to go back to school.  But she was stuck, she kept going back to her family and trying to justify her decision.  Finally one day, I wrote on a piece of paper, in big lettering, "IT IS YOUR LIFE YOU DO NOT NEED TO JUSTIFY, PROVE OR DEFEND YOUR DECISIONS".  She looked at me amazed and wave of relief washed over her. I suggested that each time she felt tempted to go into explanation mode to someone she could read this sign.

Her homework was to really pay attention to how much time on a day to day basis she spent in justification mode.  At her next appointment she immediately started talking about how much time she spent explaining her decisions.  She started by just reviewing at the end of the day, all the times she could remember that she justified a decisions.  Gradually as she became more aware of the habit, she started noticing it in the moment.  She made a mark on a piece of paper every time she was explaining her thought process.  She was amazed at how frequently she felt compelled to justify her life.  Almost every decision from what time to put the kids to bed, to what to have for dinner required some sort of logical basis, some sort of defense that really wasn't necessary.

She realized that by being in justification mode all the time, she was in essence 'on guard' for all of her thoughts.  She was so exhausted from proving all the small choices in her life, it was next to impossible to mount a defense for the major life choices.  In her case, it was largely because growing up her family put a lot of pressure on her to be 'right' to be justified.  Regardless of the reason, when we get stuck in the habit of  justifying, proving and defending our decisions it becomes more and more difficult to make a decisions because it takes so much effort to mount a defense.   Many of the things that make us happiest in life aren't logical or rational.  If we all lived purely logical rational lives--we would be pretty boring.  Some of the most exciting things in life area done because we simply followed our gut.  The happiest people I know, live from that place of following their gut, going with the flow and not justifying, proving or defending every life decision.

This week, pay attention to how much time you spend in justification mode? Who are you defending your life too?  What is this need to defend keeping you from doing? How is it preventing you from making decisions that might help you live or work happier?  

Enjoying the In-Between

I wrote this post back in 2008---but it still applies today.  Life is a process, frequently we are in the 'in-between time'.  As an ode to the warm weather we have been having--I thought it was worth a repeat.

I love this time of year--the strange time when the heat of summer is not quite over but the chill of fall isn't here yet either. It is too hot for sweaters during the day but too cold for shorts at night.  It isn't quite summer and it isn't quite fall--it is in between--"fummer" if you will.

It got me thinking about all the times throughout our lives when we are in a fummer--not quite in one place or the other--we are simply on the road. Not quite in that perfect relationship, not quite figured out the job, not quite happy. We are in fummer--actually most of our lives we are in that in between place--we just don't realize it or embrace it.

To often we are waiting for the next season or long for the past season. We are fantasizing about the snow or depressed because the days by the pool are gone. We aren't enjoying the fummer when it is sunny and bright during the day and cool enough to have the windows open at night. We are dreaming about when our job will be perfect and missing out on the fact that we had a great meeting this morning or received a compliment from a boss today. We lament 'the one that got away' rather than seeing the funny cute woman at the coffee shop who talks to us every time we are in there.

We miss the fummer because we are too busy looking at our past or leaping into the future. Enjoy your fummer! It won't be here for long!!

Defeating The Fear Monger

A few weeks ago, I wrote about The Fear Monger. The Fear Monger, is the voice from deep inside us that has the potential to keep us complacent, stuck and safe. It prevents us from moving forward and striving towards a place of change and living happier.  The number one key to fighting The Fear Monger is recognizing its presence. Don't get me wrong it is tricky, it talks a good game but once you start paying attention you can usually recognize it's language and tone.  Most of The Fear Monger's messages are around being responsible, staying safe, thinking of other people, and being a good person. The Fear Monger tends to pick up on whatever it is you value (e.g. your family, status, security) and twist the message around until you are convinced the best thing for you to do is stay put, make no changes and take no risks.

The Fear Monger can be tricky, frequently when he/she starts talking to us and getting under our skin we express the anxiety/fear that emerges in a variety of ways:  picking a fight with our significant other, eating too much, drinking too much, feeling anxious or unfocused.  Each of us expresses it differently and at different times. As I have started paying attention to my Fear Monger I am amazed how unconsciously she will just play there in my brain perhaps saying, "you can't do this, who do you think you are" and if she plays long enough, eventually I will have this overwhelming urge to eat, or watch TV and stop whatever work I am doing.  If I am not vigilant and aware of her messages,  before I know it I will have shut down my computer and I will be eating a bag of Reese cups in front of the TV.

So what can you do?  How can you defeat such an elemental part of yourself?

Step One: Start recognizing your Fear Monger.  Give her/him a name a face--it can be extremely creative or something as simple as Scared Nancy (bet you couldn't guess, that's mine ). Pay attention to the message she/he tends to send and when he/she tends to come out the most.  Build awareness around how you react to the fear monger, do you eat, watch TV, become agitated, pick a fight or just give up.

Step Two:  Once you recognize the Fear Monger has been playing your head acknowledge it, actually bless it.   Frequently I will say, "thank you 'scared Nancy' I appreciate your fear but I got this one.  I can handle this and I want to move forward".  I know that sounds crazy--but trust me it works.  It is as if acknowledging this very real part of us allows her to relax--she feels heard and she can then settle down. The message she is sending is a negative one, her mission is to protect us from growing too much, getting too much out of our comfort zone.

Now I admit depending on how much change you are making you might need to acknowledge her over and over again.  This is a process, at first you might not recognize your Fear Monger has been talking until you are in the midst of an argument with your spouse.  The more you practice, the quicker you will catch The Fear Monger in the moment.  Eventually you will catch him/her as they are chatting away their negative propaganda and you will be able to bless them and move on in the moment.

Step Three: Know your big picture and take small steps  The Fear Monger is there to help us from getting hurt. He/she is a real part of us, just a scared fearful part.  So in order to keep her fear messages to a minimum, you need to have a two fold process, first know your big picture.  Know what you are going after: more time with your family, more fulfillment, more happiness, more vacation time, etc.  Once you know what your larger goal is you can then begin to break it down into small steps.  Maybe you are wanting to explore going back to school. It doesn't mean you have to quit your job and go back to school next quarter.  You can start with small steps:  researching schools, gathering application materials, making a plan for finances, and taking entrance exams if necessary.  I know from experience, when we know why we are pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone (big picture) and then able to take action steps (small steps), blessing our Fear Monger along the way we will be able to live happier lives.

A Reality Check on Your Regrets

I am recovering from a cold.  Nothing makes living happier more challenging then being sick.  I spent much of yesterday alternating between the couch and my bed, taking advil and using my neti pot (of which I am a HUGE fan and even more so with how quickly I recovered from this cold). I also spent much of yesterday hammering myself about getting sick, being lazy and not working.  Regardless of the the fact, I couldn't breathe, had a fever and just felt generally miserable I still decided to beat myself up about taking a sick day.

This morning as I walked the dog, I was thinking about my definition of success for myself, and how so often I and many of my clients tend to externalize that definition.  In reality I am someone who values, self care, who believes that when our bodies get to the point of sickness or exhaustion it is usually because we have pushed them there.  Sickness for me is usually a sign that I haven't been listening to myself, and need to stop and regroup.  Which is what I did.  I slept a lot, ate homemade chili and just relaxed.  And I know because I took time out and let my body collapse yesterday,  today I feel 1000 times better--still tired and snuffly but I was able to work and function well.  Yet, I spent the majority of the day saying I SHOULD be up and working, I SHOULD be seeing clients, writing my blog, marketing blah, blah blah.  All of that *crap* is someone else's voice.  That is the do or die career woman in me the work alcoholic totally out of balance why I got sick in the first place part of me.

So back to walking the dog (I don't know what I did before I had a dog because I have so many great epiphanies when I am walking the dog) I asked myself when I look back on my life what would I regret?  And I came up with a variety of answers--they included not spending enough time with my family, not contributing my gifts, not valuing my friends and hanging with them, not living life to it's fullest which includes everything from enjoying my daily dog walks to traveling to New Zealand.  The list did not include anything about the amount of money I would make or the number of clients I saw, or even becoming the next Dr Phil.  The list included simple, every day life goals that I want to achieve.  None of those goals involve, beating myself up.  The truth is, the more I achieve my every day little goals, the more likely I am to achieve the bigger things.  The point is am a happier person in my work life and personal life when I allow myself the freedom to take a sick day, to enjoy rolling over and petting my cat first thing in the morning, to plan trips to visit family in California over the holidays AND to contribute my gifts as much as possible. We all are happier when we allow ourselves to be who we truly are, when we can let go of the external 'you aren't enough because _______' voice and really embrace who we are sickness, foibles, mistakes and imperfections.

My question to you is if you looked back on your life--what would you regret?  I venture to guess, the things you would regret are NOT the things you are beating yourself up about.

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In honor of the wisdom that comes from walking my dog I had to include a photo of her on one of our walks.  Here's to Mocha for getting me out of the house and out of my funky moods!!

The Perfect Protest

Today in my blog reading (have I ever shared how much I LOVE reading blogs) I stumbled upon the Perfect Protest by Brene Brown at Ordinary Courage.  She just wrote a book called The Gifts of Imperfection and is encouraging fellow bloggers to protest our need to be perfect!  What a fabulous idea!

Please join me in celebrating your imperfection and all the fun, joy, excitement that comes from it!!  In order to be happier in our lives we need to lay down our need to be perfect!  Please join me in celebrating you, being imperfect and therefore perfectly you!!!

True Confession:  I admit I took 5+ pictures before I realized I was trying to make it PERFECT--irony at it's finest!!  So I went with the first pic I took--in all it's imperfection!

Getting Practical with Your Dreams

There are two main components of helping people work happier and live happier.  Phase one is dream big.   I absolutely love helping people unearth their dreams, passions and somedays.  If you have been reading my blog you know I believe we need a little more dream validation, we need to be engaging in the things that make us come alive, and we need to have curiosity and awareness around what makes our heart sing.  Phase Two is taking those big beautiful dreams and developing practical steps to add them into our every day lives.  Although, dreaming is a lost art and it is a key to working and living happier, it means nothing if we can't implement our dreams into our daily lives.  We may have the biggest dreams, ideas, passions imaginable but if we can't figure out practical ways to live them they are useless to us.

I admit, these practical steps may mean our dream has to change or be different then we might imagine.  We might have to make compromises due to timing or have a little more patience. But the truth is, our dreams are accomplishable we just need to add them into our lives in practical, step by step ways.   A friend of mine's unspoken dream is that he has always wanted to be a sportscaster, he LOVES sports of all kinds and is a wealth of information when it comes to factoids and numbers related to sports.  However, he has 3 kids, lives in a small town in the middle of nowhere and has limited connections to the sporting world.  He doesn't even know where to begin to accomplish this dream.  Sounds pretty hopeless huh?  But in reality, right now, he wants to be home with his children, he doesn't want to be traveling from game to game and missing the time he currently has with his family.  So right now going after his dream full tilt, probably not going to mesh with his current values.  But that doesn't mean his dream has to die.  We just need to get creative with his dream so we can combine his current values and his dream of being a sportscaster. 

 First step is to get crystal clear on what he LIKES about the idea of being a sportscaster--is it sharing his love/knowledge of sports? or being able to watch as many sporting events as possible and get paid for it? or does he simply want to be famous? Once we have that answer then we can come up with some ideas:   For example, he can write articles on-line or magazines/newspapers and get some free-lance work going, he could announce local games in his area,  he can work for a local radio show or do a podcast around certain sporting events, or he could start building contacts with people in the sports industry so when his children are grown he can be ready to really go after the big dream. 

The idea is that your dream is your focus point then you need to break down your dream step by step.  What is it about the dream that really makes your heart sing? How can you start adding that into your life now? What are some practical steps you can start to make that dream a reality based on your current lifestyle/values?  One thing we know for sure, time keeps moving, and we keep getting older. For many of us our dreams in their entirety might not be achievable right now, in this moment, but if we don't start working towards them, if we don't take the first step and start walking towards our dreams we won't achieve them.  Nothing is more sad to me than an unexplored dream, a dream that was pushed aside, forgotten or ignored.  We owe it to ourselves, and our loved ones to both dream big AND implement those dreams, one step at a time.