The Grass Isn't Always Greener...

I love the saying above.  It is true, the grass may LOOK greener but it is still grass and still needs maintenance.  

We all know this too well, the concept of "once I get there I will be happier".  Once I find the job, meet my partner, get the promotion, find my passion then I will be happier.  Inevitably we get there and we realize that yep, there is grass and yep we are responsible for tending to it.

One of my favorite personal examples of this phenomenon is in meeting my nearest and dearest.  I was single for most of my 20s and 30s. I would say I was happily single, I traveled a lot had a lot of friends and a career I enjoyed.  But I always wanted to find someone.  To be honest I LONGED to meet someone. I would look at my friends who had relationships and just KNEW their grass was not only greener but also easier to maintain.  In my quest to end all my woes and get the perfect looking grass I longed for, I invested a small fortune in on-line dating services, coaches and even a matchmaker (bad choice and a story for another time).

I went on countless dates, spent hours trying to 'fix' myself and many nights crying in defeat on the couch.   I confess, it got to the point where I blamed all my problems on the fact that I didn't have a partner: if only I had a partner, getting my car fixed would be easier, cooking dinner would be better, sickness would be easier and basically the grass would be perpetually green and trimmed.  (Just in case you were wondering, that is not true.)

And then I met my nearest and dearest--to say the least our story is a long and complicated one--but it ended well in that we are now happily married and enjoying life.  Although I admit the grass is a little greener on this side of the fence it is still hard to maintain and keep green.  It has been humbling to see how much I blamed my dingy grass on not having a partner that had absolutely nothing to do with a partner. OR how much greener I thought having a partner would make my grass.

Bottom line having a partner is great AND I am still myself AND now I have to figure out how to be myself with a partner (lots of ups and downs to that process)

Yes, my 'grass is greener' story has to do with finding a partner but your story could be about a job, a house, a trip or even a new sofa.

ANYTIME we get stuck in the idea of "my life will be perfect/better/complete when I get ______" we are setting ourselves up to not live happier.

The grass might be greener, but it is still grass.  You will still be you.  You will just be you PLUS whatever it is you have been wishing for (with all it's problems and concerns).  All we have is right now, today the present moment and our present circumstances.

We can always be striving, improving, job searching, and dating but when we convince ourselves we will be 'cured' at the end we will be wrong.

Where in your life are you living for the next thing?  Where in your life are you thinking if only I had ____ I will be better?

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Speaking of living in the present moment..have you joined the Live Happier Daily Challenge???  Today is the first OFFICIAL day!  Go to the Nancy Jane Smith Live Happier Facebook page and post how you are Living Happier today!

Every day you participate you will be automatically entered into the drawing for a FREE copy of my upcoming Live Happier e-course!

The Live Happier Daily Challenge

How do you Live Happier each day? 

 I have been thinking about that question a lot lately.  I believe Living Happier is a daily choice.

Each day we make a choice to live a life with

• Intention
• Wonder
• Love
• Laughter
• Adventure 
• Gratitude
• Courage
• Meaning

To live our lives fully engaged and present to whatever happens, each and every day.

It is hard, it takes patience and support and it is SO worth it.

As a way to get inspiration, support and encouragement:

Today I am starting the Live Happier Daily Challenge!!!

The challenge is simple:

• Each day share one thing that has helped you live happier that day.  
• You can: take a picture, share a personal story, share an inspiring quote  whatever you chose that illustrates how you are Living Happier Each Day.
• Go to the Nancy Jane Smith Live Happier Facebook page www.facebook.com/nancyjanesmith and share your Living Happier Moment.

I am so excited about this challenge I created the video above to share my Living Happier Journey!!

When you share your Live Happier Moment you will be automatically added to the drawing for a FREE copy of my upcoming Live Happier e-course!!

Join me in the Live Happier Daily Challenge--

be intentional,
be supported,
be happier!!!

Head on over now and share how you are Living Happier today!!  www.facebook.com/nancyjanesmith

Final week--to be entered in the drawing you must post your Live Happier Moment by midnight on Sunday October 14th!

Questions?  Leave a comment below or send me an email at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com

It Just Takes One.

It is so easy to get discouraged in today's  world.  Whether it is in your personal world where there is grief, sadness, fighting, pain, overwhelm, anxiety, debt and stress.  Or in the larger world with fighting, pollution, killing, and famine, and governmental gridlock.

I know there are times I get saddened by the impossibility of making any real change.

Making a difference.

It is said that our lives can change in an instant.  They can change either in the positive or the negative with the power of one.

And then I remember it takes one:

• One kind act.
• One moment of waking up and being intentional about the day.
• One smile to a stranger.
• One moment of truly listening to your spouse.
• One pause and a big deep breathe before you say something you will regret.
• One comment of telling someone they did a good job.
• One piece of litter picked up on your morning walk.
• One act of patience when someone cuts you off on the freeway
• One random act of kindness.
• One handwritten note to a friend.
• One hug to someone who is having a bad day.
• One act towards something you love.
• One moment of encouraging a child that they are doing awesome--just as they are.
• One comforting act for a person in pain.
• One act of gratitude.
• One word that brings peace.

I posted this video on the Live Happier facebook page this morning because I have been listening to this song almost non-stop this week.  And I wanted to post it here for a little inspiration that even you and me, each of us trying to Live Happier in our daily world...makes a HUGE difference in our own small worlds, and to the larger world.  

"Love is not a whisper or a weakness. No, Love is strong and we have to get together....until there is no reason to fight"

Changing the Rules

Recently a friend and I were talking about a struggle she was having with the siblings in her family.  For years she was the dependable, organized, 'you can always count on me' sibling.  For years she had gotten taken advantage of in doing that.  Over the years she had been doing her own personal work around this issue.  She had started drawing firmer, harder boundaries when it came to her family members.  She felt really good about her changes and personal growth and was celebrating the freedom she was experiencing.  

When it came time for a family gathering, she held her boundaries and didn't pick up the slack as usual.  Suddenly her siblings had all kinds of hostile reactions.  They were writing angry emails and sending hostile voicemails.  Her siblings weren't able to articulate what they were upset about so they put up all kids of smokescreens getting angry about everything, bringing up past hurts, naming old grievances and just being generally mean.  My friend was hurt and confused, she knew they would be upset but not like this.  

In essence, she changed the rules.  She changed the family dynamics.  Similarly to dominoes when one domino changes its position it effects the rest of the dominos.  Her family didn't know what exactly was happening they just recognized the rule change and they didn't like it so they reacted negatively.  They blamed her, tried to make her feel guilty and generally beat up on her.  My friend was confused.  She had worked so hard to make positive changes only to be greeted with hostility. 

As individuals we work so hard to make changes in ourselves, we don't realize how those changes (either small or large) effect those around us.  When we set new boundaries,  have different reactions or change a pattern we are in essence changing the rules of the system.  This rule changing requires adjustments for those around us.  They have to learn how to move around the new boundary, pick up the slack, or change their reaction as well.

Sometimes those adjustments can be made easily without much effort and sometimes those adjustments are met with great hostility and anger.  We as human beings don't like change--especially when we aren't controlling the change.  So when you change the system, an unwelcome (and rarely thought of) side effect is that people might be upset. And THAT IS OK.  Just because they are upset doesn't mean you are doing it wrong, it just means the system needs time to shift.  So be patient with those around you and hold your new ground. 

As you are on this Live Happier journey and you begin to change your reaction style and set healthier boundaries, remember not everyone will be thrilled with this new rule change.  Allow them time to vent, get angry, adjust and catch up.  It is a spiritual law that I have found to be true--as you change people will either rise to meet your new path or fall off your path. That choice will occur naturally.  Your job is to be patient and stay steady on your new path.  My friend's family did come around...it just took them awhile. 

Are You in Hiding?

Today, I challenge you what is keeping you from being amazing?  What is stopping you from really shining YOUR light, YOUR unique amazingly powerful light into the world?

How much time do you spend in hiding?  Hiding your lights, your gifts, your uniqueness.

Hiding takes on a lot of forms.

When:

• you don't speak up because 'what if I am wrong?'
• you don't explore a passion:  writing, reading, art, photography, glass blowing because you tell yourself "I can't do that" "I am not good enough"
• you don't admit you were wrong (or show your vulnerability) because you are afraid no one will take you seriously again. 
• you don't admit you were hurt because you need to make them feel ok.

You are in hiding whenever you aren't being authentic to YOU.  Hiding means you are smothering a part of yourself in order to fit in, get approval or simply because it feels easier.

Honestly, we won't ever Live Happier if we are in hiding.

First, we have to start paying attention to our hiding behaviors.

What are the ways in which you go in to hiding?

• Not speaking up
• Getting defensive
• Not taking the risk
• Bull-dozing to get your way

FYI, we hide in countless ways from physically hiding out in our rooms to entering the world with such false bravado and confidence that we plow over anything in our path.  Both mean we aren't being our genuine selves.

Secondly, what are the triggers that cause you to go in to hiding? Is it a certain activity? A certain person? A certain time? A certain event?

Notice your hiding M.O.

• When you hide?
• How you hide?
• With Whom you hide?

Thirdly, when are you not in hiding?  With whom and in what situations can you be 100% yourself and what does that feel like?  I bet it feels A LOT better to live in the moments where you aren't in hiding.

As you build up your awareness of how it feels to be out of hiding, you can start practicing not hiding.  This practice needs to occur in SAFE PLACES.  It takes practice to start shining your light and showing yourself to the world---baby steps, my friend.  But I promise, with those baby steps, gradually the times of hiding will become less

We all were put here for a wonderful purpose, to let our hearts shine, to give back to the world.  When we are hiding our gifts we aren't serving anyone...least of all ourselves.

Taking a Little Me Time

This past Sunday I took a "day of me".  The only rule for the day was that I could only do what I WANTED to do.   So I slept in until my eyes popped open, took the dog for a walk enjoying the bright blue September sky, watched a movie with my nearest and dearest and spent the rest of the afternoon watching Sex and the City DVDs and cat napping. I turned off all electronic devices and just hung with myself. It was glorious.  It was amazing. It was MUCH NEEDED.

Last week I noticed I was exhausted, we had been doing a lot of traveling and 'running around' lately and I was in much need of a break. 

You know the feeling:

• you are tired but when you lay down to sleep your brain is spinning too much to make it happen.
• when you do sleep your unconscious is so busy deciphering your hectic life that it fills your sleep with crazy dreams.
• you have a feeling of just surviving, just getting things done and basically being a zombie in your  life.
• you dream of taking a vacation alone--long days of nothingness ahead of you.
• you have a hard time coming up with words or having a coherent meaningful conversation.

For me that last one was what did me in, finally after the 3rd try at discussing something of meaning to my with my husband I said to him I am done I need a break. So I took Sunday off;  totally and completely.

So here's the thing.  I am a big believer in Me Days but more so I am a big believer in Me Minutes or Me Hours. This time, I let it go TOO long. I let self care take a back burner for too many weeks and months and so I ended up well past where a high functioning, 'I value myself' individual should be.  I am not beating myself up for that.  However, I am confessing it here as a cautionary tale for you so you don't let yourself get too far behind on your Me Time.

Me Time is essential, whether it be listening to your favorite podcast while cooking your favorite meal, enjoying a glass of your favorite beverage while sitting on the porch, watching a great movie (without your computer, iphone, ipad or other electronic distraction), taking a walk, sleeping in, taking a nap.  Whatever allows you to decompress, relax, check in and re-center.  We are only our best selves when we are truly connected with ourselves.

Me Time doesn't have to be a full day.  The only rules I have for Me Time are:

• No shoulds. (sometimes I have the tendency to think Me Time has to be full of meditation and spiritual practice--sometimes a good mindless TV show can serve us just as well)
• Do what you WANT to be doing.
• Fully embrace the time.  Even if you only have 30 minutes--remind yourself this is ME TIME. A relish every single minute of it!!

How do you like to spend your Me Time?

VLOG: Be Curious

I love the term curiosity. In fact, in session it sometimes becomes a running joke with the number of times I use the word.  By being curious we put a natural pause into the situation.

Having curiosity allows us to get to the heart of what's going on so we can make some changes that allow us to live happier.

 Here are the 4 things I think you need to be curious about with yourself or those close to you.

Overcoming the Power of Genetics

If I did a survey asking people what they want from their lives the majority would say 'to be happy'.  If I pushed them further as to what happiness means they might say 'to feel content' or 'to be at peace'. Happiness is something that we all want more of; it is something we feel from time to time but is elusive and unsustainable.

Studies have shown that 50% of our happiness comes from genetics.  So basically half of our happiness level is out of our control.   The other 50% comes from our circumstances and our intentions.  You see it all the time in people who live in the direst of circumstances still manage to look at life from a happiness perspective.  And those who have many, many blessing can concentrate on the one negative thing in their lives.  One person can approach being cut off while driving with a 'whatever and quickly move on' and another person can approach it by hunting down the offending driver and giving them the finger and then allowing that offense to ruin the rest of their day.  There are definitely people who just have negativity as a way of life.  

So if 50% is controlled by genetics--you still have 50% that you can control with your circumstances and your intentions.

I believe living happier is about 3 main themes:

Awareness and Curiosity: Awareness of how you move in the world, how you affect other people, how other people affect you.  How are you perceived?  What triggers you?  What do you do when you get triggered?  What actually makes you happy? How can you add more happiness into your life--in small ways? Building awareness and curiosity around what you need, how you feel and how you perceive the world are powerful ways to build happiness. 

Intention:  Being intentional to me means, consistently bringing yourself back to your values and what is most important to you.  It is so easy to get caught up in Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda and Comparison.  Being intentional gives you room to come back to what matters to YOU.  Being intentional means, waking up each morning and setting your intentions for the day:   today I want to be loving, kind, grounded, joyous, or quiet.  Being Intentional allows room for a natural pause and a chance to savor life. 

Keep it Simple:  Living Happier isn't some magical concept. It isn't about doing it right or following a formula.  Living Happier is about honoring yourself, your dreams and your relationships.  Living Happier is recognizing the gifts you bring to the world and sharing them with as many people as possible. Living Happier is a process and there are days when you nail it and days when you don't.  Living Happier is about starting over each day with awareness and intention.  Living Happier is about keeping it simple.  Honor yourself, honor your gifts and honor your life.  

Finding and Sharing Your Gifts

I believe we were brought here to this earth to share our gifts, to become the best version of ourselves possible.  Just pause and think about that.  You were put here on earth:

• To celebrate:  WHO YOU ARE.  
• To share YOUR UNIQUENESS.  
• To give YOUR GIFTS.

When we look at life from this perspective it opens us up to possibility.  Too many of us walk around acting as if life is a burden, something done to us, something we have to survive.  What if life is actually a chance to give back, to be of service, to change the world?

I can hear you now saying "but I don't know what my gift is?" Ah ha!  I believe that is what holds so many of us back.  What if you don't have just one GIANT gift? What if you have hundreds of small little gifts that you can give the world each and every day?

I don't think we need to figure out our gifts before we can start giving back.    I believe we figure out our gifts by giving back.  When we greet each day as a chance to be of service we greet the world differently. Imagine waking up each morning and thinking about how you can be of service to the world:

• Greet the guy who serves you your coffee with a smile. 
• Hold the door for the stranger behind you. 
• Smile and greet people on the street.
• Engage with your children, 
• Hug your spouse and look him/her in the eye.  
• Be present to your day.  

As you move through the day being present, open and kind.  Notice what comes up for you.  Maybe one of your gifts is empathy, or listening.  Maybe you are really good at making people laugh, or synthesizing ideas.  Maybe your gift is knowing how to politely change the subject or doing errands with speed and precision.  We all have multiple gifts some of them small and some of them huge--all of them change the world. Through serving the world, and paying attention we can start to notice where we shine and where our gifts come of service.

Just recognizing that I have been put here to serve a purpose makes me smile.  It reminds me that my life has meaning. It reminds me that even if my gift is as small as walking my dog--to my dog that makes a world of difference.  Look at your life from the perspective of giving back and I promise it will help you Live Happier.

What Judging Others REALLY Means...

Judgment.  It is something we all struggle with in our lives.  It is a part of being human.  It keeps us safe, it keeps us protected and it keeps us small.  Judgment allows us to not take risks, to not stretch our boundaries and to not build connections.  When we are in the mode of judging we are tight, small, constrained.  Think of yourself when you are in a conversation that involves judging--maybe it is how someone parents, how he or she has gained weight or wearing miss matching shoes.  In that conversation we are whispering, tense, and closed in.  When we are having a loving conversation about someone's personality, natural gifts or amazing talents, we are open, energized, and boisterous.

When we judge other people it eventually comes back to bite us.  Think about the last time you were on a plane. How many judgments did you have?

• The guy next to you who took up too much of the seat,
• The dad behind you who's child screamed for half the flight,
• The couple who were running late and dashed in at the last second,
• The woman who overpacked and tried to stuff her luggage into the overhead bin (holding up the line of people boarding the plane).

You sitting there felt pretty smug and triumphant.  With each judgment made you got a little notch in your belt.  You were on time, childless, under packed and super thin; at least that day.

The truth is, whatever we are most judgmental about in other people is what we are most judgmental about in ourselves.  So the next time you are on the plane:

• You might be running late (because your connection was late) 
• You over packed because you bought one to many souvenirs and didn't have time to check your bag
• You have a child who is just not willing to take a nap.
• You gained a few pounds and you creep over on the seat next to yours.  

Most likely if any of these things happen to you, you will be judging yourself.  You will be SUPER hard on yourself not just because you did something you aren't proud of---but because you were judgmental of people in the past for doing the same thing and therefore you ASSUME they are all judging you in the same way.

My message here isn't don't be judgmental because Karma is a bitch and you will be punished.

My message here is basically to quote the bible "Judge not, lest you be judged ” Matthew 7:1"  Meaning don't be a hypocrite.

When we judge other people we should immediately be thinking "whoa, what is that saying about me?"  We tend to be the most judgmental to other people about things we are judgmental about ourselves.  We tend to be judgmental about people running late--when WE have a problem running late.  We tend to be judgmental about other people's relationships when OUR relationship is suffering.

When we look at someone and say 'they can't do that', 'they can't go back to school, find a better job, be   happy in their relationship, use that parenting technique'.  What we are really saying is "I can't do that".

When we say "that dress looks stupid", what we are really saying is "I wish I had the guts to wear a dress I really wanted to".  We don't go out of our comfort zone because we are afraid we will be judged.  Not by other people (although we may tell ourselves that) but by ourselves.

We are our own worst critics.  For many of us that judgment gets turned externally on to others.

As you move through your day, start paying attention to what you are most judgmental about or critical about in others and ask yourself "What is that saying about me?"  Have some curiosity around what is behind your judgments.  Knowing what you judge in others will provide a lot of insight around your own limiting beliefs and how they are keeping you from living happier.

Checking in to Your Life

Numbing.  The number one thing we as Americans do to ease the anxiety, perfectionism, fear and frustration of life.  We numb through alcohol, food, TV, video games, reading mindless fiction, gossip and exercise.  Is all numbing bad?  No, I enjoy a nice glass of wine. I had a fabulous cupcake for dessert today and my nearest and dearest and I love zoning out in front of the TV on occasion.  BUT when numbing becomes a way of life, then we have a problem.  I am not talking about indulging in mindless behavior from time to time.  I am talking about: CHECKING OUT OF YOUR LIFE, going through the motions and not engaging.

• When my nearest and dearest and I spend 3 nights in a row watching bad TV and playing Words with Friends (with each other on our iPads) we have a problem!!  

• When you can't remember the last time you really had a conversation with your kids that didn't involve a phone or a computer,  then we have a problem.

• When 1 cupcake becomes 5 on a regular basis that we have a problem. 

• When you can't remember the last time you really engaged in an activity that made you joyous, then we have a problem. 

• When every day looks like the last, then we have a problem. 

Numbing has become a way of life.  Checking out is easier then having the tough conversations, facing the "OMG how did I get here?!?!" moment, or realizing the job/relationship/house that was suppose to be temporary has been around for over 5 years.  Bottom line if checking out is easier---why would I want to check in???

Because once you get over the initial hump of re-engaging checking in means you are living YOUR life.  You are doing work YOU enjoy, in a relationship that is loving and supportive and living a life YOU want to be living.  Checking in means you have a life you designed and you are able to tweak and change it as you grow and change. Checking in means technicolor, connections, engagement, passion and love. Ready to re-engage?

• FIRST you have to build awareness of when you check out and why.  So start noticing your favorite mode of checking out--is it watching TV, over eating, over exercising, or drinking too much? 

• Start noticing when you are engaging in your checking out behaviors--what happened right before or through out the day to trigger the need to check out?  Be gentle here and give yourself A LOT of room.  Sometimes something that appears small may have caused us to check out, but in reality it is just the tip of the iceberg.

• Ask yourself what am I FEELING?  What am I AVOIDING?  What am I AFRAID of?  And most importantly where do I need some COMPASSION?  Then take action, take a baby step.  Express the feeling, reach out to someone, start journaling, cry, scream, be sad.  Just DO something where you are engaging in your life.  

• Start having regular conversations with yourself and other people about what really matters to you.  What do you want out of your life?  What small steps can you take to implement these passions interests?  What big steps do you need to take to implement these passions? How can you break down the big steps?

Checking in to life and stopping the constant numbing is the first step to Living Happier.  I guarantee taking back control of your life is amazing!!

Your Inner Critic, Lovingly Show it the Door

Your driving in the car and you hear something chattering away:

"you should have worked out today, why didn't you grab a turkey sandwich rather than a hamburger,  you need to call your mom, you don't call her enough, you suck as a driver, you are terrible mom" and On and On and On.    

No, you aren't 'hearing voices' that is THE VOICE.  I call it the Fear Monger.  It is the voice inside your head that plays all day long.  Whether you listen or not it just keeps playing there.  The voice will always be there, can't get rid of it. We CAN minimize the control it has on our lives and the level to which is keeps us stuck and fearful.

Here are 3 tips to giving less power to the voice.

• Notice it.  Many of us aren't even aware that the voice is playing there.  Just pick 5 minutes and try to sit quietly....yep, overwhelming chatter.  Or as you fix dinner, just notice what the voice is saying. Just notice the running commentary, without judgment notice how much your voice plays and what it says to you.

• Realize you don't have to believe it.  Somewhere we were sold the idea that WE are the VOICE. Therefore whatever the voice is saying it is TRUTH.  I am hear to tell you that is wrong.  The voice is coming from within us but we have a choice as to whether we engage with it or not.  The voice is merely one part of us.  Slowly just start noticing the voice as a neutral observer. Pay attention to it as if you were watching TV or listening to a 3rd party.

• Begin to separate yourself from the VOICE.  Once you build awareness around the voice, you can start to notice when it tends to turn up the volume, when it tends to get more persistent and more negative.  I bet, you will notice the voice gets louder the more you challenge your norms, push your boundaries and start something new.

Some people say the voice is the ego.  Some say it is the devil.  It doesn't matter what we call it, it matters how we treat it.  The VOICE is a part of us, I believe it is the part of us that is trying to protect us, keep us small and safe.  But a life that is full and rich and happier isn't small and safe.  To live our best lives, we need to push out of our comfort zones, we need to get our Fear Monger riled up....that is how we know we are on to something good!!!

If we start to war against the voice we are wasting our energy because we are in essence warring against ourselves.  When we can see the voice as a third party we can begin to separate it from ourselves.  Thank it for visiting and kindly show it the door.  The voice is one part of us; sometimes it can be the loudest part.  But remember we also we have our intuition, our kindness, our patience and our love.

Build Awareness. Separate Ownership. Choose what you want to believe.  Lovingly show it the door.

This summer, I have had a lot of personal experience with the voice.   After much debate, I decided to change the focus of my practice career counseling to life counseling. I realized career counseling just looks at one small portion of our lives. I believe, to really engage in the work we love we need to look at our whole lives.  We need to look at our: relationships, goals, lifestyle, beliefs, attitudes, fears and thoughts.

So my voice has been full of questions, negativity and potential pitfalls.  But here I am.  I designed my own new site (check it out here). I am looking forward to helping you Live Happier.