Answering the Call

 A few weeks ago a colleague of mine told me about the movie "Finding Joe". It is about Joseph Campbell, the power of myth, finding your bliss and answering the call, all of my favorite topics. I highly, highly recommend the movie.

Since watching the movie I have been thinking about the concept of Answering the Call.  The concept of answering the call means that at some point in life you will get 'a call', a realization, or a shout-out from the universe saying THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE.  Granted, it isn't a loud shout, more of a quiet whisper.  The people I have talked with who have experienced this call have described it as a knowing...a feeling of this is where I am suppose to be. Whether it be a career or a passion answering the call is a pivotal time in a person's life.

Recently, I have been interviewing people who have answered a call in their lives either in their career or some other part of their life.

Some of the traits they had in common included:

• They weren't necessarily looking for 'the answer' but they were open to it.
• They knew there was more to life and they were actively exploring themselves and their passions and interests.
• When 'the call' came they didn't question it, didn't doubt it...they just acted.  Some have described it almost as if they didn't have a choice...they HAD to act.  
• They all experienced fear mongers, doubts, and demons.  Part of answering the call was dealing with those and over time they got less and less.  
• In regards to fear mongers, every one said when they were actively engaging in their passion the fear mongers were less active.  
• Some experienced more than one call in their lifetime.  But each 'new call' took them on a new journey. 
• The call wasn't always career related sometimes it was about a hobby or an interest. 

So I pose the question to you...you can respond in the comments below or just in your own private journal.  Are you open to the concept of the call?  Do you think it exists?  Have you answered the call in your own life?  If yes, what did it feel like to answer the call?  What area some of the fear mongers, doubts that are getting in your way?

It all Starts with Speaking Your Needs

"Speak your Need" if you work with me or interact with me you will hear those words come out of my mouth every now and then.  I am a big believer that we all (especially woman) need to get a little better about speaking our needs.  In reality we need to get better about knowing our needs, or better yet even being aware that we have needs.

The scenario is a simple one, you come home from work and you really want to go out to dinner.  You are tired, and the idea of coming up with what to cook again is just too daunting.  As you walk in the door, you notice your partner already wearing his 'comfy clothes' lounging on the couch and you make the assumption that you are 'in for the night'.  You go through "the what to make for dinner debate" and you both prepare a nice meal.  You still had visions of going out to dinner.  Yet, you never shared that scenario with your partner.   You swallow the need that you want to eat out and 'make do' with eating in.  In this scenario you didn't even give your partner the chance to go out--you just ASSUMED they wouldn't want to eat out.

I agree that example is silly and benign.

But it is the beginning of the belief system that: 'my needs don't matter', there is no point in speaking up', and 'I won't get heard anyway'.

How often do the words "It doesn't matter", "I don't care", "whatever, you want" come out of your mouth?

The thing about needs is when we ignore them for long enough they get more and more quiet, and harder and harder to hear.  They don't become any less important they just become harder to pay attention to.  Too often for the sake of safety, for peace we ignore our needs. And then on a larger scale it becomes harder and harder to say what we need or want out of our lives.

The other tricky thing about needs is just because we speak a need doesn't mean it has to get met.  So had you come home and said to your partner "I want to go out to dinner tonight" your partner had the right to say, "Aw, I just put on my comfy pants and was planning on hanging out at home".

THEN...you can dig a little deeper and figure out why you want to go out to dinner.

Is it too?

• Connect with your partner in a different way then eating in front of the TV
• Sit outside and enjoy the evening air
• Too tired to come up with dinner and just don't want to cook.

Depending on what it is you NEED from going out to dinner you can then negotiate with your partner and say "ok, well let's eat at the dinner table tonight", or "let's eat outside" or "let's order in" or "can you make dinner tonight I am too tired".  So it can then be a win-win.  You can get your need met and so can your partner!

Start paying attention to your needs. Even if you don't express them all the time, just start building awareness that you do have needs.  Get in the habit of exploring what it is you really need in any given situation.

Our needs give us insight into our dreams, our passions and what we value.  As we start noticing and sharing our needs we will naturally live happier because we will be more authentically engaging with the world.

Living Happier is a Choice.

"If you are so happy why is every story out of your mouth so negative", My nearest and dearest said this to me recently while he was describing someone he had met who kept telling him how happy he was but at the same time, spent much of their time together complaining about his life.

It was a profound statement.  How many of us would describe ourselves as somewhat happy, yet the stories we share our pretty negative.  Think about your own life. If I were to hang with you for the day would I think you were happy based on the stories you tell and the ideas you share?

It is said that hard wired to be prepared for the worst, the fight or flight response is easier to engage then the gratitude response.  In preparation for potential loss and misery we will self-protect by being 'on alert'.  Now I can see this being the case in the days of cave people and living off the land. You did need to be vigilant, be prepared.   But there is a stark difference between being vigilant and begin downright negative. Contrary to our natural inclinations, acknowledging the areas in our life where we are happier doesn't automatically leave us open to attack or pain.

Bottom line, bad things happen.  Jobs are lost, parents get ill, people die, and relationships end.  Sadly, no amount of negative thinking will prevent us from having these negative experiences. In fact, all that negative thinking does is keeps us from enjoying the times when life is pretty good. In our life times, we will need to grieve, fight, get angry, and be sad.  Logically, negative experiences are a guarantee; therefore our negative thoughts don't actually protect us from these negative experiences.  So why not be thankful for the positive experiences we have--and enjoy in some small or even giant celebrations.  We are more likely to worry about what MIGHT happen then be happy in the present moment and enjoy this happiness.

I remember when I first started paying attention to the messages that would play in my head.  Sadly, I noticed that each morning as the alarm would go off and I would crawl out of bed the FIRST thought in my head was "I hate my life".  Seriously?  I said those words, and in full confession I would repeat them over and over as I brushed my teeth, took a shower and ate my breakfast.  "I hate my life", "I hate my life" became some crazy mantra I would repeat.

In reality I had a great life, a home I owned, a job I mostly enjoyed, and supportive friends and family.  What I didn't like about my life was being forced to get up via an alarm.  When I realized this I changed my statement from "I hate my life" to "I love my life, just wish it wasn't so early" and then gradually to "I love my life, and I am lucky I get to wake up and enjoy it".  Eventually, I started to feel better about my life, my energy shifted and I wasn't groggy and crabby in the morning I was ready to take on the day.

Living Happier is an intentional practice.  It involves paying attention to your thoughts and words.  Noticing the stories you tell yourself and those around you.  It is a daily, on-going choice to fill your life with as much joy as possible.

Today on the first day of summer…what are you most thankful for?  What small or even giant joys do you have in your life?  Over the next few days pay attention to your life stories and whether they are serving your quest to live happier or falsely keeping you imprisoned in negativity?

Be A Little Kind

Be a little kind.  I heard these words few months ago as I was listening to one of my favorite authors Tara Brach.  Recently, I used them with a client.  She was in a stuck place between the practicalities of her life and what she dreamed of doing.  On a deeper level, she was stuck in a place between her fear monger and wanting to live happier.

So at the end of one of her laments about why she couldn't do what it was she really wanted to do I said,  "Remember to get clarity, you need to be a little kind" and she looked at me with horror.  Her first response was, "I am kind" and I said, "really?" and she looked shocked, "of course, I would describe myself as very kind" and I quickly said "to yourself?" A small knowing smile stretched across her face and she said, "Wow, I never thought about it like that".  Which is exactly what I had thought when I heard the words from Tara.

So often we see the phrase Be Kind or Be Nice or Show Some Compassion and we think outwardly.  And then most of us think, yes I do that I am kind to others. But internally we are the complete opposite of kind, we are downright cruel.

The life changing realization is that the anger and cruelty we hammer ourselves with…does nothing.  Let me say that again…when we are unkind to ourselves we are not serving ourselves, not serving the universe, not serving anything but our own 'stuckness'.  That 'stuckness' keeps us unhappy.  That 'stuckness' keeps us anxious, full of dread and fear.  That 'stuckness' is down right miserable.

Yet, sometimes, unfortunately, we just need to be stuck.  From that place of stuck amazing growth can occur.  If you are stuck in your life, stuck between 2 choices, stuck in figuring out what's next, stuck in 'the meantime' then make sure you are being a little  kind to yourself.  Because only when we are kind to ourselves, can true growth enter.  Only when we are as gentle, loving and nurturing with ourselves as we are with our children or friends does real clarity occur.

I know in my own life, I might hang out in stuck for a while and then I remember…the only way out is in.  And so I start to embrace myself with a little more caring a little more love. Inevitably, the insights come...the momentum shifts and I know which way is best for me to move forward.

When we are kind to ourselves, we can truly get in touch with what we really want, what we really need, what is most important.  When we are kind we allow ourselves to just BE and through this stillness clarity steps in.  As it did for my client, a few weeks later, after practicing the concept of Being A Little Kind, my client had new clarity and vision.  In fact, she had an outright plan for how to change her life managing both the practicalities as all as the dreams.

So if you are trying to live happier.  Trying to make some tough choices, trying to live at your edge, trying to move through transition---remember rule #1 Be a Little Kind.

Thanks to katerha for the wonderful reminder via a photo.

Self Help Run Amuck

Self Help, it is an amazingly wonderful industry.  The idea that we can learn, grow and feel better about our lives and become happier through reading a book or listening to a lecture is wonderful.  However, I know for myself and people who enjoy exploring the Self Help world we can get stuck in unhealthy patterns, beliefs for the sake of being a better human being. 

Every now and then I will run into a person, an acquaintance, a client even myself from time to time and I will think 'yep, that is a case of self-help gone amuck'.

For me, the phrase "Self-help gone amuck" is defined as someone who means well, has good intentions but has grabbed on to one or 2 self help concepts and twisted them to mean they aren't enough.

There is a right way...I just need to figure it out.  Here's the thing there is no right way.  There are countless ways to do it.  What may be the right way for you isn't' the right way for someone else.  Frequently when we are looking for the RIGHT way, it is a sign of fear paralysis.  We don't want to make any moves until we know the right move, which usually leaves us stuck.

If I think happy I will be happy.  Fill in the blank here.  This concept is specifically The Secret, gone amuck.  We have been told we need to pay attention to our thoughts, if we intend it then it will come.  So think positively and you will feel better.  Now, I agree, there are times we let ourselves get stuck in negative thoughts, negative patterns and we need to change those thoughts into more positive thinking. AND there are times that we have real pain that we need to deal with.  Yes, while I definitely believe when we think happier we are happier, I also believe we have to put a little work into being happy.  The idea that if I think about $100 it will suddenly appear in my mailbox, is HIGHLY unlikely.

I need to accept people where they are.  This one is frequently where I think people go amuck.  Yes, I fully believe that we need to accept people where they are.  In fact, one of my life mottos is 'they are doing the best they can with what they have' AND that doesn't mean I need to put up with abusive, negative or hurtful behavior.  Accepting someone for who they are and what they are coping with and the pain they are in doesn't mean I have to take that pain on, be hurt by their pain.  Accepting someone for where they are also includes knowing your own boundaries.

I need to be genuine and honest with everyone.  I would like to add the words, with wisdom to this sentence.  So it would actually read, I need to be genuine and honest with everyone, using wisdom.  Yes, I believe we need to be grounded and authentic in our lives...but not everyone in this world is safe.  So we need to have a little wisdom around with which we share our authentic selves.  We can still be genuine and authentic without baring our souls.  We can still own our space, be aware of our insecurity and take care of ourselves without opening ourselves up to people who don't get it and won't understand.  Wisdom to create appropriate boundaries is key. 

Bottom line, the goal of self-help is to feel less angst, be in pain less frequently and learn how to interact in the world from a place of grounded authenticity. Basically, the goal is to Live Happier.  The goal is not to beat ourselves up, open ourselves up to unnecessary pain and feel like we are doing it wrong.  Wake up each morning, and be the best you possible, bring awareness to your pain, notice your mistakes and move forward making amends as necessary.  Self-help is a wonderful space to start learning about ourselves.  

Real growth begins when we can enter the world and interact with loving-kindness with ourselves and those around us.  And when we struggle with that task, having curiosity around why and attempting to learn better for the future.  So give yourself a break.  You ARE doing the best you can with what you have, and that's a wonderful thing.   

Do you notice self-help running amuck in your life?  What are some 'self-help' ideas that you struggle with?  How has self help saved you?

A Shout Out to Our Younger Selves

During my Junior Year in college, I studied for a semester in Luxembourg.  During our Spring Break, a group of us decided we wanted to explore Spain Yep, we wanted to just go exploring an entire country, no plan, no agenda we were just going to hop on a train to Barcelona and see what happened next.

Now just to give a quick history lesson---this was almost 20 years ago, pre-internet, pre-cell phone.  Which meant no one knew where we were, no one knew how to contact us.  We had no itinerary so we couldn't send our parents or friends a list of the hotels we were staying at and/or nightly texts relaying our adventures.  We just packed ourselves and our 'Let's Go" books (the bible of travel at the time) and headed out. (My proudest moment of that week is I packed for the entire 7 days in a normal school sized backpack.)

At some point in the week, on a whim, we decided to take the high speed ferry across the Mediterranean to Tangier, Morocco.  As we got off the shuttle we were greeted by a man, in traditional dress who agreed to show us around Tangier for a fee, which we quickly agreed too (and I remember feeling very lucky we found such a nice man).  We were quickly whisked away to all the various shops in town (I am sure this man was getting a cut from all his friends for bringing in naive American students) and in between shops would point out various historical sites.  At the end of the tour, the man passed us off to his friend who drove to a small town outside of Tangier.  Here we spent the night in the guest room of this stranger's mother's house. Again I felt very lucky because according to Let's Go this town was a MUST SEE so we got a place to stay relatively cheep AND I got to see the town, which I now can't remember the name of.

The next 12 hours were spent celebrating Ramadan, smoking out of a Hookah, eating candied dates and laughing hysterically as we attempted to use the indoor toilet, which consisted of a hole in the ground.  Somehow we lived to tell of that crazy week and the insane chances we took.  I think back on that 24 hour period with vivid detail--we were so happy, so scared, and so curious all at the same time.

The amazing part about that story is that there is NO WAY I would do that now, not even because times have changed but because my doubts, what if's and fears would prevent me from fully experiencing such a trip.

I have been thinking about that time a lot recently.  A time in my life when anything was possible, dreams were big and possibilities were endless.  Risk, fear, danger were ideas I didn't give much thought to.  I know I wouldn't want to go back to being 20, but from time to time I try to tap into that time of adventure and boldness.

I try to remember what it felt like before "knew better",  before I "suffered the consequences" before my practical middle aged safe self settled in. Honestly, even as I write middle-aged I think "What, that can't be right?!?!" That 20 year old is still in there, still daring to dream, daring to grab life in all its risks and see what happens.

So I continue to dare, to dream to step out of my comfort zone (albeit in smaller ways) but when we can move out of the 'zone' and challenge ourselves to grow, take a baby step or even entertain the possibility--then, my friend we are indeed Living Happier

What stories have you not told in awhile about your past?  What adventures would your kids, partner, friends be surprised to hear?  What dreams did you have and what happened to them?  What adventures have you had recently?  How did they feel?  What has stopped you from daring lately?

Here's to the great adventures in life…..and never being too old to experience them!!

Explore, Express, Release the Pain

After a two week blog sabbatical...I am back!  It has been a rejuvenating period and I am getting ready to make some small but profound changes in my world--so stay tuned.

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Lately I have been thinking about pain.  Not physical pain per se but emotional pain.  The word Pain sounds so harsh. It has such a nasty connotation.  In reality, most of us are walking around in pain.

The pain of:

• lost dreams
• missed opportunities
• grief
• fear
• insecurity
• feeling not enough
• overwhelmed

Pain is something we just don't talk about.  We put on a smile, think positive, and keep our chin up.  But Pain always has a way of finding us.  Pain is there in the 1 glass of wine at happy hour that turns in to 3 or 4, in the box of donuts, the short temper with our loved ones, the inability to get up off the couch and just DO SOMETHING. Pain keeps us stuck and paralyzed.

Iylana Vanzant says that pain means
PAY
ATTENTION
INWARD
NOW

I love this message.  Whenever we find ourselves feeling lost, alone, insecure and overwhelmed--it doesn't mean we need to put on a smile and think positive…it means we need to look inward and look at what we are running from.  What story is playing there that we just don't want to see? What belief system do we have playing unconsciously that we are trying to avoid?  What truth are we just not admitting out loud?

Inevitably where there is emotional pain, there is a story or a belief that needs to be expressed and released.  Unfortunately pain is a part of life…but it is just a part…it doesn't need to encompass our whole life.  Only when we can find healthy outlets to explore, express and release our pain will it enable us to move forward into happier more fulfilling lives.   And then rinse and repeat.  Anytime you have a feeling of PAIN--pay attention inward now---explore, express and release.

Bottom line:  we are beautiful, wise, loving imperfect human beings…just as we are.  We aren't SUPPOSE to be living in pain, we aren't SUPPOSE to be feeling tired, insecure and overwhelmed--when we do, something is wrong and if we don't explore, express and release the pain it will slowly take over our lives.  Unreleased pain keeps us from living happier.

How do you feel your pain?  What unresolved stories are you telling yourself that keep you stuck?