A Ban on Unsolicited Advice

I want to start a revolution,  a Listening Revolution.  It starts with a ban on unsolicited advice. 

You know the situation you have a problem.  You are in pain; you are depressed, anxious, insecure or sad.  Maybe you are frustrated with your job, you have been looking for another one to no success and you are really confused as to what you what to do next.  Tonight you are excited because you are going to meet a friend for drinks, you can cut loose, have fun and vent some of your frustration.  So you go to meet a friend for drinks and half way through your beer and your vent they start sharing their story on their job search OR offering you tips on what you should be doing.  Do you feel supported? No.  Do you feel loved? No.  Do you feel annoyed, insulted and angry?  Most likely.

Are there times we need advice?  Yes.  However, MOST of the time we just need someone to listen.  We know what we SHOULD do we might even know what we WANT to do (we just might not be saying it out loud).  But when someone says to us 'here's what you should do' it immediately implies that we are handling it wrong.  It immediately implies that what we are doing it wrong.  Unsolicited Advice isn't support.  Unsolicited Advice is there to make the advice giver FEEL like they are helping.  Unsolicited Advice 90% of the time makes people feel like crap.

Unsolicited advice is a relationship killer.  It shifts the power and it stops the connection.  Unsolicited advice might feel like it is coming from a loving place.  "I am just trying to help"; "I have been there so I have wisdom to share".  True.  You might have the best intentions.  But when you share your unsolicited advice you aren't allowing that person to have their own journey.  You aren't allowing them to struggle, figure it out, learn and grow.  Whether intended or not, you are telling them I know better and here is what you should do.

So why do so many of us give unsolicited advice?  Because it is easy.  Because we do want to help.  Because watching someone else struggle is hard and challenging, especially if we have been there before.  But think about your own life, when you have been hurting and troubled.  What was more helpful the friend who hugged you and said you "I love you"? Or the friend who said, "here's what you should do".

We all get stuck.  We all don't move through transition as fast as we want to.  And in these moments it is the people who have said to me 'I believe in you', 'You will get through this', and 'wow that must be frustrating' that were the most helpful.

So what can you do?

1. Join the Unsolicited Advice Ban and catch yourself as you give unsolicited advice. At first you won't notice it until after the interaction and then gradually you will start noticing it in the interaction. Whether you catch yourself before, during or after the interaction, acknowledge it and own it.  Apologize to the person you tried to 'fix'.  Simply say "I am sorry, I want to help and I realize that giving unsolicited advice might not be the best way; so I am just going to Listen"


2. Speak up when someone gives you unsolicited advice.  Similarly at first you won't notice it until after the interaction and then gradually you will start noticing it in the interaction.  Simply say to your friend as lovingly as possible. "I know you are trying to help and your heart is in the right place, and right now I just need to vent, I just need you to listen"  "When I am ready for advice I will ask for it". 

Unsolicited advice isn't evil, is just isn't as helpful as we intend it to be.  Together we can stop, listen and love in a whole new way!!!  Just listen, don't fix, don't give advice and don't help.  Just listen.  Just support.  Just have empathy.  Just say "wow, that really sucks".

The Opposite of Love is Fear

We have all heard the quote "the opposite of love is fear".  Meaning that when we approach life we can approach it one of 2 ways from a place of fear or from a place of love. As someone who deals with 'fear facing' a lot in my work I have been thinking about this quote recently.  It is a wonderfully simple quote and a hugely complex concept.  If you think of your life, every act you engage in, every decision you make comes out of love or fear.

You decide to empty the dishwasher AGAIN.
Acting out of Love:  Your attitude is peaceful and calm.  You love giving back to your family and even if they might not appreciate it all the time, this is a way you show them how much they mean to you. However, you decide that maybe it is time for your kids to step up and start doing this more so they can learn responsibility and caring for themselves. You make a mental note to talk to them about it.

Acting out of Fear: You do it, but you are bitter and angry the whole time.  You motivation comes more from 'getting one up', or  'feeling like a martyr' then love.  The act LOOKS loving but buried way down (or maybe not even way down) is fear.  You are acting out your fear of not being good enough,  'they won't love me unless I DO something for them' or 'I have to prove my worthiness by doing'.


You stay late at work to respond to your bosses' last minute request (which of course needed to be done yesterday)
Acting out of Love: You recognize, your boss is behind the gun too from his boss and although he might not have the best leadership skills he is doing the best he can with what he has.  You offer a silent blessing for him and finish up our work as quickly as possible. You realize that for the most part you like your job and these last minute things are easy to over look in the grand scheme of things. OR you realize it is time to start looking for another job because even though you can understand why everything is last minute you just don't work well in this environment.

Acting out of Fear: You angrily start working on the job. You finish the task and leave the office still steaming.  The minute you get home you pick a fight with your partner because you really want to tear your bosses head off but your partner is more forgiving.   Your fear is 'what if I am not good enough to find another job' or 'what if this is the best I can do'.

Your mom calls you and starts telling you the same story for the millionth time.  
Acting out of Love: You recognize she loves telling stores and she loves sharing her stories with you. You realize that even though you are busy and tired you are lucky to have a mom who wants to share so much of her life with you.  You take a deep breath and try to listen as if it were the first time you heard it.  You approach the story with new curiosity and actually enjoy it. If it really is a bad time you ask if you can call her back and then you really do!!

Acting out of Fear: You half/listen to the story rolling your eyes and mimicking her. You cut her off as soon as possible with a quick "yes mom I have heard this story before".  You know you hurt her feelings but you are just too busy to deal with this. You fear "maybe someday I will drive my kids crazy with my stories too" or  "I am scared that I am going to lose mom before I am ready"

When we act out of love we are coming from a place of openness and peace.  We are more grounded and honest.  It doesn't mean we are victims or take rude behavior, it means that we take the time to understand the 'other' person's perspective.  Rather than immediately going in to blame or resentment we pull back a bit to get a bigger picture.

When we act of out fear we are closed and shallow.  We are in a self protect mode and therefore tend to lash out at others and ourselves.

Fear is a tricky beast.  Frequently our egos don't want us to acknowledge the fear.  So our ego throws up the smoke screen of blame and resentment to prevent us from going deeper.  Rather than looking at what we might be afraid of in that moment we immediately blame the 'other' for all our problems.

Bottom line--fears are scary.  We don't want to acknowledge them and it is against our nature to do so.  AND as we get in the habit of being honest with ourselves and living from a place of love and not fear life becomes so much easier and happier.  Carrying around all that bitterness and resentment is wearing and exhausting!!

So for today as you approach the decisions of your life ask yourself am I acting from a place of fear or love?  If the answer is fear dig a little deeper and ask yourself what am I really afraid of here? And then give yourself some loving support around that fear.  Fears are normal.  Unacknowledged fear is toxic.

Photo Credit:  Kevin Shorter via flickr 

Tending to your Life Garden

Today we are going back to basics.  Starting at the beginning.  Bottom line, no matter what transition you are going through in your life (either by choice or chance) in order to get through it in a happier way,  you need to be monitoring your energy.

So today's question is:  How do you spend your energy or to be more clear how do you spend your time?  Do you spend time with people you love?  Are you engaging in activities that fill you up?  Do you recognize your signs for being low on energy (both physical and emotional)?

If you think of your life as a garden.  You need to water your garden, care for it and make sure there are no pesky weeds or rodents eating your tomatoes and such.  You get energy from the beautiful plants and flowers that grow in your garden.  You lose energy when your garden fills up with weeds, or rodents and when it starts to lack water.  The flowers are the things in our life that give us energy;  supportive friends and family or fun and fulfilling activities.  The weeds and rodents are the things in our life that drain our energy: drama filled friends and family or activities that we dread and don't like.

Too many of my clients move through their day completely unaware of their garden.  They are unaware of

1. How they are feeling energy wise 
2. Actively engaging in garden management (working on adding more flowers and decreasing the weeds) 

How do you feel when you are low on energy/when your garden is wilting and brown? Sluggish ?Irritable? Do you get headaches or stomachaches? Do you amp up to make up the difference in energy? Do you drink too much coffee followed by too much wine?

Pay attention to how you feel to help guide you as to what your garden needs.

Give yourself permission to engage in activities that give you energy and drop the activities that don't. Now, I know we ALL have activities that we don't want to engage in but we have to because that is life.  But get very clear on what these have to activities are.  Many activities that we have in the "have to column" are not have to's at all but rather "I don't want them to be mad at me", or "I don't want them to think badly of me" activities.  We can't do it all AND have a garden that is lush and happy.

You can say NO to:

• the bake sale, 
• lunch with a friend who is so packed full of drama you leave her feeling more drained. 
• dog sitting your brothers annoying dog.
• the baby shower that falls on your only day off in 2 weeks.

You can say YES to:

• taking a walk with a friend you haven't seen in forever who always makes you smile.
• turning off the TV and actually chatting with your spouse.
• reading a really good book.
• getting a massage or taking a long nap.

But for those activities that you have to engage in that drain you.  Make sure you have a counter activity planned.  In my life I do a lot of care taking, on the days when I am feeling particularly drained from care taking I make sure to plan something fun and re-energizing.   I frequently check in on my garden and see if there are any miscellaneous weeds that I can pluck out or if I need to gather up some flowers to make myself feel better.

What about your garden?  Where does it need some tending?  What weeds can you pull?

Photo Credit:  Julie Gibbons via Flickr

What if Just in this Moment....

What if just in this moment you:

• Took a Breathe
• Stopped ridiculing yourself
• Stopped telling yourself you are stupid, dumb lazy, unproductive, or crazy.
• Reminded yourself that maybe just maybe you are valuable, lovable, worthy.  PERIOD 
• Realized you are right where you are suppose to be.

What if just in this moment you:

• Listened.
• Were able to observe your thoughts and feelings with love and kindness rather than getting stuck in them.
• Trusted that whatever is happening is suppose to be happening. 
• Remembered that letting go can lead to more answers then holding on for dear life.
• Knew you didn't have to CONTROL A THING.

How does that feel?  Read those again out loud to yourself.  Just for a moment LET GO.  Now imagine how that would feel to live your life from this place---pretty amazing, huh?  What if you tried to do those things for 30 minutes or 1 hour?  Making sure to notice how many times you have to lovingly remind yourself to not take back the reigns.  What if you could do that for an afternoon or even a full day!?!  Amazing right??

So what if you practiced it. Start with 10 minutes and expand to 30 and then to 60 and then to 3 hours and then to half a day.  Once you start engaging regularly in putting down the hammer and picking up the love it will get easier.  The habit will change and soon your go to will be love and support rather then sarcasm and ridicule.  But it takes PRACTICE (which means forgetting, messing it up, doing it wrong and starting all over).  It takes COMMITMENT (it is hard to change a habit, especially one we have had since we were small children).  For many people, this is a whole new wonderful way of looking at the world so it will be challenging to unhook but oh, so amazing when you do. 

Today make a commitment to yourself.  Commit to breathing, noticing and loving.  Commit to being kind to yourself and letting go for a few minutes.  Commit to diligently expanding that time and noticing how your life changes.

Photo Credit:  Katerha via flickr

There are No Absolutes

This morning I was having breakfast with a friend and we were discussing the challenge of living in the grayness of life.  So often when life hands us a situation there is a black option and a white option and we live somewhere in the middle--the grayness.

For example, you have a new friend who is going through a tough time; she is basically one of the walking wounded at this point in her life.  She NEEDS a lot and you want to help her, you have been a member of the walking wounded yourself.   But you have your own life, your own needs, your own problems and you recognize the need to draw a tough boundary.  In fact, a part of you says that she is an adult she can take care of herself and you need to be attentive to your own life (black).  The other part of you says, you have had you heart broken before you know what it is like to be hurting and lost (white.) And then there is the gray...she is an adult who can take care of herself AND right now she needs you a little more than normal.  So you walk the line of holding a boundary and giving a little more than normal.

In so many ways life would be easier if it was full of absolutes, if the rules were consistent and exact.  But I believe people who are living happier, who are striving to be true to themselves with authentic relationships live in the grayness. They recognize that life is not orderly, and full of exacts.  Life is messy.  Life is a mix of the black and the white.  Figuring out that balance, walking that tight rope is the challenge.

The tight rope of:

• Engaging with your children AND wanting to give yourself a much needed break.  

• Valuing being honest with yourself and not living in denial AND recognizing that sometimes denial can serve you.

• Being sad about a break up AND realizing you were ready to move on.

• Wanting to lose weight AND wanting to love yourself as is.

• Wanting to spend time with an aging relative AND knowing that it will be painful to see how they have changed.

There are 100s if not 1000s examples of gray in our lives.  And yet we search for the black and white.  We want the easy answers. We want the step-by-step play book.  But honestly, it is in the gray that the juice of life is tasted.  Ironically, it is here in the gray that the colors emerge.  It is learning how to hold two opposite extremes and get comfortable with the tug and pull that growth occurs, life becomes happier.  It isn't easy AND it is a place of happiness.

Thanks to Kait Marie for the inspirational reminder via a photo.

Defining Living Happier

One of the reasons I love the phrase Live Happier is because it is something you can do every day.  It is not a destination as in "one day I will live happier". Nope, living happier is something you can do in the midst of lives trials in tribulations or when life is cruising along with ease.

Living Happier isn't something you achieve it is something you are engaging in all the time.  Does that mean you have to be always striving?  No, but it does mean you have to be engaged and intentional about your life.  It isn't something the goal it is something you are doing every day of your life to make your life richer, fuller and brighter.

Living Happier is:

• Being intentional about your life. Knowing what activities give you energy and what activities drain your energy and trying to have more activities that give you energy.

• Having awareness about yourself, what are your strengths, what are your values, what do you want your life to look like?

• Knowing life is full of ups and downs.  Tragedies happen, losses occur AND it is even more important to be engaging in #1 and #2 above during these times.  

• Living Happier requires full engagement.  Having the tough conversation with your partner. Confronting the co-worker who keeps stealing your ideas. Asking for the raise you deserve after 3 years of nothing.  So many of us are walking around like zombies in our lives and then wondering why we aren't living happier. 

• The recognition that some days we will be firing on all cylinders and some days we won't and loving ourselves the same regardless of the kind of day we are having.

• Asking for help when we need it.  Recognizing that we can't do it alone.  We need to reach out from time to time to get assistance; clear tasks off our plate or just get much needed support. 

• Approaching the world from an attitude of openness, kindness and love for ourselves and for those around us. 

• A process. A wonderfully, imperfect messy, engaging, process. 

How do you define Living Happier?

A Few Thoughts on Feelings

Yesterday, I was talking a friend of mine who had read my blog about detoxifying from worry. She loved the blog and had some issues with the last part, which talked about acknowledging your feelings rather than getting caught up in your anxiety.  As she said "If I really paid attention to my feelings all the time and talked about them all the time, my conversations would be nothing but loss and depression".  She is right.  Unfortunately right now my friend is in the midst of a lot of loss and transition.  Her life is in constant change and 'new normals' and she is trying to navigate her way in the midst of the unknown. So hell yeah, depression and pain and going to be on the tops of her feelings list.  And Hell no she can't 'sit in those feelings' all the time, she would go crazy.

There is no absolute in feelings.  There is no RIGHT.  If you look at psychology advice around feelings you will hear everything from: you have to feel all your feelings, to don't let your feelings control you.  And I believe that advice comes out of the two common ways that people deal with their feelings:

Type 1: Lives in denial, they appear happy, content and tend to have a smile on their face most of the time.  If you look deeper, denial tends to be the name of the game. They rarely express an emotion and usually have many numbing devices to deal with said emotions (drinking, eating, TV watching, playing video games, etc.

Type 2:  Lives in their emotions.  They express how they feel whether through constant sharing, bouts of anger, or crying jags.  They are very aware of how they are feeling, and tend to get stuck in one emotions or the other (e.g. anger or sadness). Their emotions tend to control them so they lose control in meetings, or have trouble getting things done due to fear or sadness.

The danger comes when you ping between the 2 extremes of Type 1 and Type 2. Sometimes when individuals stay in Type 1 for too long they will bounce to Type 2 for a period of time just so the feelings have a way to be expressed.

So to the people that live in denial around their feelings we say "Feel your feelings" and to the people that feel everything we say "take action, get out of your feelings". And what tends to happen is we take the advice that we are already doing.  So Type 1 continues to just take action and Type 2 continues to feeling their feelings.

So what should you do?   Simply pay attention and breathe.  Know yourself.  Which of these two extremes do you tend to get bogged down in?   If you are a denial fan then start taking time to listen to those feelings more often.  If you give too much awareness to your feelings then start putting them aside to take some small actions.

You can learn to deal with your emotions in a healthy way rather then express them all the time. We can get stuck either way, stuck in feelings or stuck in denial.  The point of living happier is to get unstuck.

As I told my friend, with any grief or pain or loss you can't 'stay in it' all the time you have to pull out for your own sanity and the sanity of those around you.  AND you can't 'stay out' all the time.  You have to cry, grieve, and be angry at the appropriate times.   

Bottom line---feelings are tough.

Here are ways to deal with your feelings:

• Have safe people you can talk to about your emotions.
• Throughout the day, acknowledge what you are feeling--just notice it, you don't have to express it or share it, just be aware of it. When we bring awareness to the feelings they lose some steam, which is helpful to both types.  
• When the feelings get too much. Do something physical--if you are happy; dance, if you are angry; throw some old dishes, if you are sad; ask for a hug or cry.  
• Remember there is no RIGHT way. There is just knowing yourself. If you are being honest with yourself and accepting of yourself you are doing an awesome job!  Remember you are doing the best you can with what you have right now.

What are some ways you deal with feelings?  What is some advice you have heard on feelings that has resonated with you?  What is some advice that hasn't resonated with you? Do you tend to be a Type 1 or a Type 2?

Thanks to StephenPHampshire for the great pic!!

A Detoxing from the Habit of Worry

The number one compliant of people in my life, friends, acquaintances, and clients is anxiety.  Anxiety has become the new catch phrase for feelings of fear, insecurity, worry and pain.  I think the root of this anxiety stems from feeling unworthy, insignificant or unlovable and from that internal pain comes anxiety.  Worrying about what to wear, what we will look like giving the presentation, how our kids are doing, how we will get everything done.

Worry, Worry, Worry.  That is the theme of life these days. We regularly engage in the process of hammering ourselves in to submission.  We are never quite productive enough, quite successful enough, quite healthy enough or just quite enough period.  We are constantly striving to be better--for what?!?!

I say 'we' in these descriptions because this 'worry' this low level anxiety is something I have struggled with for years.  It is not debilitating or not panic attack inducing (I have had a few panic attacks in my life though) but it is limiting, painful, and low level suffering.  For YEARS I always heard people with anxiety should meditate more, or have a yoga practice.  And for YEARS I have tried to mediate more and have a regular yoga practice and it has been spotty at best.  For someone who is feeling levels of anxiety sitting on my couch even for 5-10 minutes at a time is painful!!  I haven't given up, I still try, but for now that is not a regular practice in my life.

So what has worked?  Radical Awareness.  Radical awareness around my thoughts, my feelings and my needs.

Paying attention to what anxiety responses:  eating when I am not hungry, watching mindless TV, surfing the internet.  And noticing when I start engaging in those behaviors.  In the past, before I even was aware I could be mid-work and I have mindlessly wandered to the kitchen, grabbed a bag of chocolate and headed to the couch to watch some "Real Housewives".  The whole time convincing myself I deserved a break, I needed the timeout.  Yep, sometimes I do need a time out.  But MOST of the time I needed to be paying attention to what triggered me to step away from the computer and step in to numbing out.  It was the fact that the act was so unintentional. It was the obvious unawareness that made me realize it was anxiety moving me not my need for a break.

Taking mini breaks to BREATHE.  So no maybe right now I can't mediate for long periods of time.  But something that works for me is putting in place times when I 'check in'.  3 deep breaths has become my mantra.  3 deep breaths when I sit down at my desk, 3 deep breaths before and after I meet with a client, 3 deep breaths when I hit a stop light in the car. I take 3 deep belly breaths and then I check in--how am I feeling, what is going on.  Sometimes I am surprised by what comes up.  Sometimes nothing comes up.  No matter what comes up I embrace it with radical love and kindness.

Paying attention to what I talk about.  One of my favorite things is sharing my day with my husband.  I found that frequently rather than 'sharing my day' I would litany off all the things I was anxious about.  I would list all the things I didn't get done, I did wrong or what I needed to do next.  And you know what that did?  Made me MORE anxious.  And you know what else I realized that somewhere deep down I enjoyed that feeling of anxiety--it was a buzz that would keep me protected from my feelings.  I had convinced myself that feeling anxious, worrying about the to-do list or how to be a better person was WAY better than dealing with the true pain I was feeling.  Anxiety masks what is really going on.  Anxiety allows us to 'get high' on safe, numb aspects of our life and keeps us blissfully unaware of the real pain that is there.  Gradually, I started sharing THAT; I started getting real and talking about real things.  Not just the to do list but "the what" that was underneath.  I would catch myself mid-litany and ask 'is this really helping or am I just taking a hit'?  And I would immediately know the answer.

I believe for many of us worry becomes like a drug that keeps us from really engaging with ourselves and therefore with the world.  When I notice myself engaging in anxiety behaviors (amping myself up, numbing out, or hammering myself) now I get curious as to what is really going on. I breathe and I pay attention.  It works!  I swear!  Am I fully recovered? Ah no.  Do I feel better than I use to? Hell yes!  Detoxifying from worry is a slow process.  Unraveling of habit you have had for decades, takes time.  Limiting your life of worry is a definite key to living happier!!

You Can't Ignore your Past: Heal it Don't Ignore It.

There is a dangerous trend I have noticed in the self-help/coaching/counseling industry.  Somewhere along the way we got the message that our past is a bad thing.  The industry trend is to tell people that real change and movement comes from looking forward, setting goals, and just doing it. Yep, we do need to set goals, look forward and just do it AND sometimes we need to heal our past first.  As with any all of nothing thinking we have lost some key components of real and lasting change.

Your Past matters.  Yep I said it.  It is ok to have a past, it is ok to share stories from your past, it is ok to have trauma and pain in your past, and it is ok to have a joyful past.  Bottom line you can't ignore your past.  It creeps up on us, in the personification of our fear mongers as our parents, in the way we talk to our kids, or in how we interact with our spouse.  Our past plays a role in our current lives. Period.

The glitch is when get stuck in the past.  When the story of our traumatic childhood holds us back from making real changes in our current lives.  When we are living and re-living the past over and over in our day-to-day lives.  We become victims, martyrs and just plain unhappy people. I assume this 'getting stuck in the past' is what all the "only look to forward" people are talking about.  But I believe the message gets skewed and turns into an absolute!!  And rather than the message being, heal your past so you don't get stuck there, the message becomes ignore your past.

Here are some ways you can start moving through the stories from your past that are holding you back:

Share your story:  That's right.  Share it. Bring it out of the closet, dust it off and share your pain, your struggles, the irrational beliefs that have become rational that you got when you were 8, share those stories. Find someone who loves you who can just listen.  No judgment, no advice, just someone who really gets it.  In this day and age we don't seem to have patience for each other's stories.  We get impatient, give too much advice, or want to share our own story too quickly. So choose wisely. As you share your story, your perspective changes.  You may be able to see the other's person's side, you may be able to let go of some of the old resentment or it may just feel really good to say out loud what has been playing unconsciously all these years.

Feel the pain:  Cry, get angry, punch a pillow, through some old dishes.  Whatever it takes, express the sorrow, grief or tragedy of your story.   This is a KEY step:


In order to not get stuck in the story, you HAVE to feel the pain.  

Cry for the 8 year old who was told they were stupid and would never succeed.  Punch a pillow for the anger you feel for not getting that promotion you deserved.  Grieve for your mother who you lost at age 18.  Just FEEL. Feel the resentment, the bitterness, and the anger.

Let it go:  Our past is our past. You can't change it.  But once you have expressed your feelings about your story…it loses some power.  That story from your past no longer has complete control over you.  It is no longer debilitatingly strong.  Letting it go involves letting go of the power of the story.  Loosening the reins of the resentment and bitterness.  Letting go means that the story is just that a story---a painful, potentially traumatic story.  After sharing your story and feeling the feelings associated with your story letting go becomes easier.  Forgiveness is a possibility.  Realizing that the people who hurt you in the past had their own pain, and brokenness.  And maybe just maybe they were doing the best they could with what they knew then.

Rituals can be amazingly helpful in letting things go.  One in particular I love is to Write down your story or record it (you have to use a tape player to really embrace the recording part of this ritual). Describe it in vivid detail! Share all the emotions attached to it the grief, sadness or anger. And then when you are done read it one more time and do a check in that you are ready to let it go.  If you have grieved enough and are ready to move forward, destroy it.  Rip it up, burn it, drive over the tape, whatever it takes to physically destroy that old story.  Then as you move through life and you hear that old story come up, acknowledge it and remind yourself you have

These steps are in no way a quick fix. Each of these steps can take days, weeks, months or years depending on the power of the story and how far we have buried the story in our own psyche.  This is not a quick fix necessarily.  But it is immensely powerful to face our stories, look at them dead in the face and slowly release their power.  Bottom line to Live Happier we have to face our pasts.

What stories are holding you back?  What from your past is keeping you stuck?  What rituals have you implemented to let them go?

Positive Thinking Is it Keeping you Stuck?

One of my major pet peeves is the concept of Thinking Positive.  Within this line of thinking is counting your blessings and be grateful.  All of which are wonderful concepts to help us gain perspective on our lives.  For some people thinking positive becomes a way to bury their heads in the sand about the issues and problems in their lives.  Rather than face what is going wrong in their lives or what they want to change, they merely think positive.

Being grateful can be used as you are going through a challenging time.  You are getting a divorce, your job is draining, or you are care taking for a loved one.  Being grateful give you a new perspective on your life.  As you are moving through change or transition or even trying to get 'unstuck' being grateful is an awesome way of gaining a new perspective and feeling some positive energy in your life.

The danger comes when we chose to think positive to avoid dealing with the truly negative areas of our lives.  You hate getting up every morning, you struggle to go to work, and you are a walking zombie throughout your day.  Thinking positive and being grateful, might put a nice spin on your day, might give you some peace for a temporary time, but it won't make things better in the long term.  It is a band aid for an open wound.  Thinking positive keeps us from asking the hard questions:

• What do I want my life to look like?
• What changes do I need to make in my life? Both big and little?
• What is holding me back?

Sometimes we just need a band aid.  I have a bad day, an interaction doesn't go the way I like, and I am not as productive as I want to be. So rather then coming home and vomiting my bad day all over my nearest and dearest I choose to think positive about the things that went well.  I choose to think positive about my day---because over all, my life is pretty good. Thinking positive allows me to change my mood in the moment and feel better for the time being.   I also choose to analyze my day and look at what things I can make different tomorrow.  What about the interaction didn't go well? Why wasn't I as productive?

Sometimes life is out of our control, people get sick, we have to stay in a job to make the money we need to survive, or the transition out of a relationship takes longer then we thought it would.  Thinking positive helps us move gracefully through these times. But we need both, we need awareness of the muck and grief  AND we need to be grateful for the other areas of our lives that are full of joy and promise.

Thinking positive is a way to help us gain a new perspective and be happy about the things in our lives we love.  However we still need to take stock of our lives, be intentional about our choices and make the necessary changes to live happier.  When thinking positive works to keep us in denial or stuck, it isn't serving us---it is trapping us in a cycle of pain, shame and hiding ourselves from the world.

Are there places in your life where you are using positive thinking as a coping mechanism?  Is positive thinking keeping you from fully engaging in your life.?

Prince Charming and The Danger of Waiting to Find Your Passion

Last weekend I went to a conference called the World Domination Summit, yep sounds pretty intense, huh?  It was a group of people who were drawn to travel to Portland Oregon to learn how to "Live a Remarkable Life in an Conventional World".  We heard speakers cover topics such as vulnerability, fear, change, shame, and of course passion. One of my favorite speakers was Cal Newport who  pushed back on the traditional idea of "Follow Your Passion".

Since hearing Cal, and totally agreeing with him I have been thinking about the concept of 'Follow Your Passion'.  I have been thinking about the pressure that comes with this topic, how clients struggle SO much with it and how in many ways it is similar to the idea of waiting on Prince (or Princess) Charming in your personal life.

• Both of these ideas, in many ways severely limit our lives and our thinking.  
• Both ideas keep us stuck.  
• Both ideas make us think that there is AN ANSWER and if only we could find IT we would be happy.
• Both ideas teach us that it is something outside of us that will make us happy and if only we search hard enough and find it we will be happy.
• Both ideas are wrong.

There is no one right person for us and there is no right passion.

I spent much of my 20s and 30s looking for a life partner, and I found someone who is amazingly wonderful and compatible.  My nearest and dearest is someone who makes me exceedingly happy and joyful.  He is also someone who frustrates me, who has interests and hobbies different from mine, who can be tired and cranky when I need him to be supportive and understanding. Bottom line he is not perfect, we are not perfect, but we are happy.  Happy because we work at it, happy because we communicate, argue, love and put each other first.  Happy because we don't expect the other to complete us but rather to do the best they can with what they have at any one time.

The same theme applies to your passions. Your life passion is not ONE THING.  It is not just one idea, one hobby, or career and if you could just figure it out then you would be happy.  Your passion is how you engage in the world on a day-to-day basis.  Your passion is your values, you integrity, your authentic self and how you share that with the world.  You can be living your passion and be engaging in a traditional J-O-B.  Your passion is a conglomeration of joy, pain, fear, desire, and love. Your passion makes your heart race and makes you want to run out of the room screaming.  Your passion, like your relationship takes work, love, support, joy and desire.

Passion is not something you FIND it is something you ARE.  You can live your life with passion every single day, starting right now, today.

So many people I know are paralyzed, stuck, walking through life like zombies and when I ask them why they say well if I knew what my passion was I would be doing that but I don't so I am waiting to find out.

The question then becomes:

What are you DOING every single day that makes you light up, that is a passion?  

If you like to write; write. If you like to swim; swim. If you like to dance; dance.  If you are a good listener; listen.  If you like to play with your kids; play.  Do the things that interest you now, and then listen to what happens.  Pay attention to how you FEEL as you do them. Your passion is who you are as you move in the world, it isn't something you find that changes everything.

There is no magic bullet.  There is no "when I get this ______ life" will be better.  Even with my nearest and dearest, there are days when life is wonderful and days that are hard.  Before my nearest and dearest there were days that were wonderful and days that were hard.  It is just a different wonderful and a different hard.

When you are living your life with passion.  You are engaged in life, you are showing up and being all you are.   As you engage in your passions, life begins to open up in different ways, you have new opportunities, new perspective, new hope and new challenges.

People use to say to me "Your Prince Charming won't come knocking on your front door out of the blue". Neither will your passion.  To live a life of passion means you engage life you step up and join in to what life has to offer every day.   When you hide your passions from the world it is the same as hanging out in your living room waiting lamenting that your prince hasn't stopped by yet.  What are you waiting on?

What are you passionate about?  How do you express that in your life each day in small or gigantic ways?