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Yesterday, I was talking a friend of mine who had read my blog about detoxifying from worry. She loved the blog and had some issues with the last part, which talked about acknowledging your feelings rather than getting caught up in your anxiety. As she said "If I really paid attention to my feelings all the time and talked about them all the time, my conversations would be nothing but loss and depression". She is right. Unfortunately right now my friend is in the midst of a lot of loss and transition. Her life is in constant change and 'new normals' and she is trying to navigate her way in the midst of the unknown. So hell yeah, depression and pain and going to be on the tops of her feelings list. And Hell no she can't 'sit in those feelings' all the time, she would go crazy.
There is no absolute in feelings. There is no RIGHT. If you look at psychology advice around feelings you will hear everything from: you have to feel all your feelings, to don't let your feelings control you. And I believe that advice comes out of the two common ways that people deal with their feelings:
Type 1: Lives in denial, they appear happy, content and tend to have a smile on their face most of the time. If you look deeper, denial tends to be the name of the game. They rarely express an emotion and usually have many numbing devices to deal with said emotions (drinking, eating, TV watching, playing video games, etc.
Type 2: Lives in their emotions. They express how they feel whether through constant sharing, bouts of anger, or crying jags. They are very aware of how they are feeling, and tend to get stuck in one emotions or the other (e.g. anger or sadness). Their emotions tend to control them so they lose control in meetings, or have trouble getting things done due to fear or sadness.
The danger comes when you ping between the 2 extremes of Type 1 and Type 2. Sometimes when individuals stay in Type 1 for too long they will bounce to Type 2 for a period of time just so the feelings have a way to be expressed.
So to the people that live in denial around their feelings we say "Feel your feelings" and to the people that feel everything we say "take action, get out of your feelings". And what tends to happen is we take the advice that we are already doing. So Type 1 continues to just take action and Type 2 continues to feeling their feelings.
So what should you do? Simply pay attention and breathe. Know yourself. Which of these two extremes do you tend to get bogged down in? If you are a denial fan then start taking time to listen to those feelings more often. If you give too much awareness to your feelings then start putting them aside to take some small actions.
You can learn to deal with your emotions in a healthy way rather then express them all the time. We can get stuck either way, stuck in feelings or stuck in denial. The point of living happier is to get unstuck.
As I told my friend, with any grief or pain or loss you can't 'stay in it' all the time you have to pull out for your own sanity and the sanity of those around you. AND you can't 'stay out' all the time. You have to cry, grieve, and be angry at the appropriate times.
Bottom line---feelings are tough.
Here are ways to deal with your feelings:
- Have safe people you can talk to about your emotions.
- Throughout the day, acknowledge what you are feeling--just notice it, you don't have to express it or share it, just be aware of it. When we bring awareness to the feelings they lose some steam, which is helpful to both types.
- When the feelings get too much. Do something physical--if you are happy; dance, if you are angry; throw some old dishes, if you are sad; ask for a hug or cry.
- Remember there is no RIGHT way. There is just knowing yourself. If you are being honest with yourself and accepting of yourself you are doing an awesome job! Remember you are doing the best you can with what you have right now.
What are some ways you deal with feelings? What is some advice you have heard on feelings that has resonated with you? What is some advice that hasn't resonated with you? Do you tend to be a Type 1 or a Type 2?
Thanks to StephenPHampshire for the great pic!!
