The Power Of Giving

I the link to this article from CNN on the power of giving from my aunt last week.  Although, it is from December and is geared toward the holiday time, I thought it would be helpful to have this reminder during January.  Giving of ourselves, our stories, our time, our resources, our gifts, allows us to see the big picture.  Giving expands our hearts, our worldview and allows us to feel and express our humanity.

Giving can be as big as traveling across the world to help those in other countries learn how to grow food, or gain an education. Or as small as giving of a smile or a helping hand to a stranger.  We have opportunities to give on a daily basis.  What is your giving story?  How has giving of yourself and your gifts enhanced your life and those around you?

Live Happier Lessons From The Mountain

Doesn't that title make me sound all buddhist like?  Really, I mean from the top of Mount Bachelor in Bend, Oregon.  I have returned from 2 days of skiing and I am very excited to report I had a wonderful, relaxing, joyful time.  I had fun with my friend, I didn't beat myself up and I greatly improved my skiing!  It was the best ski trip ever and I am know I owe a lot of it to my attitude change.

While I was on the mountain I came up with a few, pretty basic, but still powerful thoughts on living happier.

Be Present.  Wow it was breathtaking up there, sunny, blue skies, snow capped trees.  Absolutely gorgeous.  After we were done skiing we always meet on the lodge deck for a celebratory beer and a snack. I was the first to make it to the deck and as I sat looking at the mountain, watching the skiers I noticed myself getting a little antsy.  I was ready for the 'next thing'.  Then I reminded myself 'look around, you are surrounded by beauty, take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the view'.  Being a person who is usually on to the next thing, someone who deals with anxiety on a daily basis I need to actively remind myself to stay in the moment.  The beauty is when I have the awareness to catch myself and I can then re-engage.  So I sat back, drank my beer and enjoyed the view.  Today enjoy the view of your life, of your kids playing, of your comfortable home, of your back yard.  Take some time to reflect and enjoy the view.

It's not all about speed.  I am a big fan of speed, I like to go as fast as I can, get there and get it done.  That has been my M.O. with skiing, go as fast as I can (and usually stop myself by falling).  This year I actually had some control, I could adjust how fast or slow I went (did I mention I didn't fall once!!). And while I enjoyed the times when I could fly down the mountain, wind whipping my hair.  I noticed I enjoyed the times more when I could make wide strokes across the mountain and just enjoy the feel of my legs on the ski's and the snow as I pushed through it.  Frequently, we get stuck in 'getting it done' and we forget the journey.  We forget it is the process of getting there that is fun, sometimes we need some speed to get through and sometimes we can just enjoy the ride.

Laugh.  One of the things I love best about visiting my friends in Oregon is that they make me laugh.  Big long belly laughs. I love to laugh, I have one of those loud booming laughs. I love laughing so hard that I can't catch my breath.  I get to do that frequently when I am out here visiting.  But I really noticed over the past 2 days how laughter can just immediately relax me.  It was a great reminder that I wasn't trying to solve the health care crisis or negotiate world peace, I was just skiing. I was just having fun. So when my friend and I would ride up the ski life, inevitably he would make me bust out in laughter and I would immediately relax and remember where I was and my mission to have fun.  Laughter gives us a natural pause, it gives us a chance to experience some joy and relax.

Engage with others.  During most of our days we are in our groove, we talk to our friends, our co-workers our family members but we rarely chat with random strangers.  One of the things I love about vacation is how easy that is to do. Sitting at the lodge, riding the ski lift, waiting in line, I met a number of interesting people who shared a bit of their story with me for the 3 minutes we were together.  I like to hear people's stories (one reason I am a good therapist) and it was nice to have the time and the relaxed attitude to engage with other people.  Today as you move through your day, engage with others, give them a smile, a nod, ask them about their day, their lives.  Hear their stories.

As I said in the beginning, these lessons are simple and basic, but sometimes we need reminders on the little things to help us live happier.

The Messages Behind Love/Hate Relationships

As I have talked about before, I believe thought patterns and old tapes are one of the main things that prevent us from living happier.  I am constantly amazed for both myself and my clients how these thought patterns can play in our unconscious without us even knowing.  As I have said before, awareness is the key to stopping these patterns and deleting the tapes.  Without awareness we cannot discover, let alone change these endless tape machines that drone in our brains.

This week I am in Oregon, visiting some very close friends of mine and doing a little skiing.  I am actually in my ski gear as I type preparing to dash out the door and up to Mt. Bachelor.  I am a beginner skier--I only ski one or two days a year and I just started skiing 5 years ago.  I am not a terrible skier, I tend to go to fast and fall too often.  But for the most part I really like it.  I like the rush of trying something new, the thrill of going down the mountain.   I especially like the post-skiing chili and beer which I share with one of my dearest friends as we re-cap the days events.   I also hate skiing, I hate that I am not very good at it, I hate that 5 year olds can kick my butt as the zoom down the hill.  I hate that I get so nervous I feel like I am going to puke each time I start out.

So this week my friends and I were talking about my mixed emotions around skiing.  We were analyzing and bringing to awareness what it is I don't like about it. Basically what I hate about is that it triggers old patterns for me.  A few of these old tapes would be :  "You are not good at physical activity, you are out of shape and uncoordinated.  To be good at something you have to struggle--you can't have fun while learning.  Because you have to be the best."


I don't know if it is my protestant upbringing or the fact I had 2 older brothers who consistently belittled my physical prowess.  Truth is, it doesn't matter where those beliefs came from--what matters is they don't serve me anymore.  In fact, I am as I keep saying, 'in the best shape of my life" I work out 5 days a week I swim, I lift weights, I do cardio.  I am in good shape--maybe I am using different muscles to ski.  The argument that I am not good at physical activity or uncoordinated is not true.  Also, telling myself how terrible I am at skiing doesn't make it any more fun.  In fact it makes it miserable AND I am not going to get better at something that makes me so stressed.

Yesterday I started noticing my thoughts as I prepared for today's ski trip. Anytime I repeated one of my tapes I gave myself a new belief, a new thought. This morning as I write this post, drinking my coffee in full ski gear I am looking forward to skiing.  I am excited to see how I do, to just have fun, get some exercise, enjoy the company of a good friend and feel the wind as I whoosh down the mountain!

I will let you know how it goes!

Is there something you have a love/hate relationship with?  What is something you dread doing?  What messages are you telling yourself around this activity that might help you change perspective?

Loving them Anyway #2: Loving Over the Long Haul

Last week, I wrote a post on loving them anyway.  Inspired by Thich Nhat Han, and discussing how we need to be open to people's failings and love them anyway. I received a few comments from people who resonated with this post.  One that really got me thinking (which is why I love her writings because she usually does get me thinking) was by Lindsey from one of my favorite blogs A Design So Vast.  She talked about how she has struggled with the line between loving someone when they are imperfect and accepting someone's bad behavior.  I have been thinking about her comment and the concept of where is that line?  Because I too struggle with it.  Growing up with messages of avoiding co-dependency and women who love too much, I have noticed myself and some women in my practice become  hyper aware of  our own  needs and what we want our of a relationship.  We have lost the idea that relationships are about give and take.  They require some measure of vulnerability and risk.  The goal of a relationship is to show up for your partner over the long haul and be open to their needs as well as your own.  Healthy relationships involve give and take and a sense of loving someone even if they don't hit the mark all the time.  

Please hear me, I in no way want to encourage abusive or negative behavior.  Someone degrading, hitting, yelling, or belittling another human being is unacceptable behavior in any relationship.

I am talking more to those daily mess-ups or when someone just isn't quite there for us when we need them.  I feel that somewhere in the world of relationships we lost the human factor.  We lost the belief that for the most part we are all trying to do the best we can with what we have.  There are people out there who are abusive and negative and we don't want them in our lives.  AND there are people that are trying and because they aren't hitting perfection on a semi-regular basis we are frustrated.

When I look at long term successful (or what I see as successful) relationships in my world, what I see are 2 people who decided that there is more good here then bad, people that have committed to each other to work through their problems and live out a life of mutual co-existence and make a life that is happy.  They are committed to each other's happiness and sharing a life--they are not keeping score or holding a tally sheet.  They are over the long haul loving and supporting each other through life.

So when you think about your relationship I want you to ask yourself--over the long haul...  Is this person adding to my life?  Is this person building up more than tearing me down? When the chips are down would this person be there for me?  Does this person celebrate my successes and dry my tears during my challenges?  Is this person truly capable of showing me in ways I can feel it that they love me?     Then ask yourself.  Do I add to this person's life?  Do I build this person up more then tear them down?  When the chips are down am I fully there for this person?  Do I celebrate their successes and dry their tears during the challenges?  Am I capable of showing them in ways they can feel that I love them?

If you answered yes to these questions, be grateful and celebrate the genuinely sturdy foundation on which your relationship is based.  If you answered no, now is a time to take a deeper look at your relationship, at your needs and your partners needs and explore ways of re-building the foundations of your relationship.

Relationships is about playing a game of catch.  And we need to have some awareness and communication  around our relationships, around what we need, what our partner's need and how we can  help each other meet those needs.

Thanks to everyone for your comments--my goal of this blog is to make this a conversation about Living Happier as a person, in relationship and in your careers.  Thank you for showing up and sharing.

The Power of Our Thoughts and Living Happier

I am constantly amazed at the power of our minds in shaping our emotions.  However,  I think the idea of just think happy and it will be so, can be over simplified.  I am a big believer that we need to actually FEEL things, feel grief or anger or betrayal and putting on a happy face and ignoring any feelings of pain or anxiety isn't going to make us feel better in the long run.  So for today I am talking about those days when we are just feeling in a funk or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  On these days I do believe we can change our moods by changing our thoughts.  We can as they say make lemonade out of lemons.

So yesterday I was at the gym and my trainer (who I love to death and thank her daily for whipping me into shape) had me doing this awful and I do mean awful push-up, turning, abs,  pilatesesque exercise.  One of those it hurts so bad it BETTER be good for me exercises.  We were at the end of my workout and I was just DONE I mean D.O.N.E.

For this exercise,  I had to do 5 reps each side 3 sets in total.  During the first set, after each side I would put down the weights and just complain to my trainer about how much I hated this exercise, how much it hurt and how hard it was.  During the second set, I gave up complaining out loud and just voiced it in my head. Just going to town with how much I HATED this exercise and how bad I was at it.  On the last set, I was sick of myself complaining and said to my trainer, "ok, I am just going to do it--I love this exercise, I am strong and this is making even stronger" and she said ,"yes, you can do it" and started cheering me on. Throughout the third set I just kept saying to myself "you are strong and getting stronger".  Amazingly the last set was not only my best set form wise but I whipped through it with much less pain and effort.  Now you could argue that it was my last set and that is why I felt better, which might have something to do with it, but I honestly think it was my attitude.  I felt lighter on the 3rd set, I felt more confident and the exercise felt easier. I realized that my thoughts were literally dragging me down, making the exercise 1000 times harder than it already was and when I finished I said wow it is amazing the difference your thoughts can make.

I notice that on the days when I am feeling grumpy for no reason that when I start paying attention to my inner dialogue it's not positive--it is full of judgements about myself or just plain old negativity.  When I switch those negative thoughts to positive I do feel better, my posture changes,  my walk is lighter, I add a smile to my face, I honestly feel happier.  All that it required was changing my thoughts.  Sometimes life truly does hand us a bad batch of lemons and there is no hope of getting any lemonade and we do need to experience that pain and disappointment.  We need to vent and feel sad.  Sometimes life hands us what we perceive as bad lemons when if we look at them again they are sprinkled with sugar and we can make some wonderful lemonade by reframing the situation and changing our thoughts.

What do you think is living happier as easy as changing your thoughts?  Do you have examples of times you have changed your negative thinking and felt happier?

The No Judgment Experiment

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine was telling me about a guy where he works who had told him that he had recently started trying to live his life being without judgement of himself or other people and that he felt  much happier.  So my friend said to me "hey maybe that is a blog post idea, live happier by being non-judgmental" (side note: since writing this blog you would be amazed how often "hey that would make a great blog post" comes up in daily conversation). Although the concept that non judgment is a key to living happier isn't a new one, it wasn't one I had actively engaged in--in my own life.  As a  therapist and teacher, I pride myself on being pretty non-judgmental, pretty open to people and their lives/life choices.  But I know I have a tendency to be pretty judgmental on myself and so I wanted to try the experiment and see how it felt.

So  decided the next day I would start trying to live a life of being non-judgmental and then blog about how I felt.   As I said at the beginning, this whole concept came to my thought process a couple of weeks ago.  Since that time I have tried to make it through ONE day with the consistent, conscious thought of being non-judgmental, unsuccessfully.  Finally, I decided that it was too much to go with the goal of being non-judgmental.  First (as I always say) you have to start with awareness so Monday I decided to just be aware and notice when I am judgmental and what I am judgmental about.  The theory being if I can figure out what I am judgmental about I can bring more awareness to those areas and eliminate them.  But my findings were very interesting.

This is what I learned in my two- day experiment:

• I tend to be most judgmental of myself (not surprising).
• To that same end, many of my judgments about other people come from some place of insecurity about myself.  I see someone who has a nice body or looks especially cute and I make some judgment about her intelligence to make myself feel better that I don't have that body.  
• Much to my dismay, I tend to be more judgmental when I am around certain people--so if someone around me is judgmental and I don't know them well or am not particularly comfortable with them I tend to just go along rather than stop the judgment.

I admit part of the reason I didn't want to write this blog post is because I didn't want to admit I am judgmental and I do judge myself and others more than I thought.  But what I found most enlightening about this experiment (which I hope to continue and falls nicely in my year of love theme) is that judgment is directly correlated with my level of insecurity.  I am very live and let live about people and their life choices.  However, the areas I am personally insecure about are the areas I tend to be most judgmental about in myself and other people.  Therefore-if we can start eliminating the insecurities/judgments it stands to reason we would live happier because we would be less insecure, less worried about the outside world, more grounded etc.  Now I don't know if the goal of completely eliminating insecurities and therefore judgments is a realistic one--but it is totally worth a shot to decrease them.

So today I challenge you to your own Non-Judgment experiment.  Just for the day notice when you are judgmental.  What are you most judgmental about both in yourself and in others? What are the themes that emerge?  Remember the key is to be non-judgmental about your tendency to be judgmental (as hard as that is).

I would love to hear from you about your experience--were you surprised at your judgments?  Did you find similar findings that your judgments=your insecurities?

I will keep you posted on my non-judgment experiment as the year goes on.

Loving Them Anyway

At the beginning of the year I decided to make this my year of love, meaning I was going to add more love into my life.  Love for myself, love for my work, love for my friends, love for my family and love for people on the street.  I am always amazed that when I make something an intention it tends to show up in a variety of different ways and places, whether that is the universe or my heightened awareness I am constantly debating.  But it always happens.  As it is with my love intention.  Over the past few weeks I have been challenged on my definition of love, I have engaged in discussions about love and I have been introduced and re-introduced to a number of readings on the subject of love.  One of them that I just stumbled upon while looking for a book on my book shelf was True Love a Practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh a Zen Buddhist monk.  This is one of those books that I could read 1000 times and still be inspired--quite impressive considering it is only 100 very little pages long.

As I grabbed the book I opened it to a random page and I read:

"We really have to understand the person we want to love.  If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love.  If we only think of ourselves, if we only know our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love." 

What I love about Thich Nhat Hanh's writing is the simplicity and the beauty.  In this day and age, when the principles of finding yourself, naming your needs, becoming strong and independent tend to be common place we tend to lose this simple rule of love.  People are human.  People aren't perfect.  The people we love mess up, they try hard, they get it wrong, they make mistakes.  Our job as those who love them is to love them anyway.  Yes, it is important to know our needs but it is also important to know the needs of those we love.  Love is kind and caring it is about showing up and being forgiving.  Love is about trying your hardest to get it right or maybe not even trying your hardest because you are tired and worn out and for tonight you are just too damn tired--but tomorrow you will try again.

I was recently talking with a client who has been dating a guy for a little over 6 months. They are out of the joyous honeymoon stage and they are both seeing each other warts and all.  It is a time of insecurity and doubt and she is trying with all her might to make sure he really loves her by putting up all kinds of hoops for him to jump through.  The sad thing is, it is quite clear he does love her, however he can't possibly hit all her hoops or meet all her needs 100% of the time.  In the session, we discussed the fact that even if they love each other and even knowing that FOR SURE, she still can't predict him or possess him and he might hurt her on occasion.  But that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.  Frequently in my practice I hear stories of manipulation, insecurity and fear disguised as love.  This is not love.  Love is pure and messy all at the same time.   Love is about showing up and accepting.  So today as you move through your day think about those you love.  Are you showing up?  Are you accepting them for who they are?  Or are you protecting yourself and putting up a bunch of hoops for them to jump through?

Love is knowing them and loving them anyway.

Thank You

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who joined the Help Haiti Blog Challenge.  Between, comments to my blog, joiners of my e-mail list and people who e-mailed me because they couldn't get the comments area to work I received 15 responses.  So that is $30,  I will be sending to Partners in Health to help relief efforts in Haiti.  AND thanks to my wonderful friend and marketing coach Michelle Barry Franco at BrazenSoul who agreed to match the donations Partners in Health will receive an additional $30! You rock, Michelle!! Thanks to everyone who participated Blog Challenge, developed and inspired by Kelly Diels.

Gratitude and Giving is what it is all about!!

The Help Haiti Blog Challenge

I have been inspired by Kelly Diels at Cleavage,  Lindsey at A Design So Vast and a number of other bloggers who have decided to put their money where their mouth is.  In the spirit, of yesterday's post I have decided to join the Help Haiti Blog Challenge.

So I will donate $2 for every comment left on this blog between now and noon Monday, January 18th.  And I will donate $2 for anyone who joins my mailing list between now and noon Monday, January 18th.  All donations will be made to Partners in Health.

There has been an incredible out-pouring of support for the people of Haiti.  I am blessed in so many ways and am grateful to have the resources to join in this blog challenge.  Thank you for your support.

Guilt is a Useless Emotion

This morning I was discussing with a friend the tragedy that is occurring in Haiti.  She was saying that while she tries to wake up each morning feeling grateful--she struggled this morning with the overwhelming guilt of all the blessings she has in her life.  How, she wondered, could she be struggling with the question of living happier when people were dying from a natural disaster?

As I have discussed here before, life is messy.  In the midst of living happier, we can be struck with a tragedy so horrific it brings us to our knees in disbelief.  It is at these times we need to act, to grieve, to research, to spread the word, to mobilize.  Unfortunately, it is also easy during these times, for us to get paralyzed by our own guilt.  As my mom always told me, guilt is a useless emotion.  It doesn't serve anyone and in reality prevents us from making real change.  To put it bluntly, guilt is a way for us to feel bad about something without really engaging in making it any better.  Our guilt doesn't help the Haitian people get water, or health care.  Our guilt doesn't give them food or resources.  Our guilt does nothing but paralyzes us.

What we CAN do is be grateful for all we have--be grateful for our blessings AND find as many ways possible to give back to the people of Haiti and anyone else we know who is in need.  We can do both, gratitude and giving.

Chris Sacca has compiled Six Ways you can help the people of Haiti.  And the Huffington post, also compiled some ways you can help.  These are wonderful resources for us to act.  If you haven't already please use these resources and give.

Peace.

Escaping the Hamster Wheel: Doing vs. Being

One of my favorite questions to ask my clients and myself is "how full is your bucket?"  This questions stems from the idea that in order to live happier we need to be filling our lives with people and activities that give us energy (aka fill our bucket).  Basically, in a world, where we sometimes get trapped on a hamster wheel, where we are giving to our relationships, our families, and our careers giving to ourselves tends to take a back burner.  So in the spirit of reuniting clients with themselves and engaging in some self-care, when a client comes into my office I often spend some time on what activities they can engage in over the next few weeks that might add to their bucket.

Last week, I was working with a client I had seen a few times before. Her bucket is pretty empty and she is dealing with a lot of loss/conflict and pain currently in her life.  However, she has latched on to the bucket analogy with gusto and has really tried to come up with activities/events/people that fill up her bucket.  Last week she came in to my office exasperated as she expressed her frustration with the bucket concept--she was REALLY trying to add activities that fed her.  She was trying to engage in activities that added to her bucket but she still felt depleted and sad.  I empathized with her frustration and explained that the point of the bucket analogy is to make yourself aware that you need to engage in self care.  However, sometimes self care is DOING something for yourself--engaging in activities that feed your soul or surrounding yourself with people who make you happy.  Sometimes self care is just BEING.  Just being with yourself and giving yourself some space to feel your emotions, giving yourself some love and caring.  Sometimes self care is doing and sometimes self care if being.

I think as humans we are good at the doing, my client expressed that she liked the bucket concept because it meant there was something she could DO to feel better.  Which is true, but what she found and what is also true is sometimes we just need to BE. We just need to give ourselves a break. The point of the bucket analogy is to remind ourselves to put ourselves first and that self care isn't selfish.  However self care comes in a variety of ways.  For my client she needed to be with herself and allow herself the space to express the sadness and pain in her life.  The concept of filling up her bucket had turned into another way she could run from herself.  It had turn into another to-do,  and had become another thing that kept her trapped on the hamster wheel.

Living Happier is about taking care of yourself and filling yourself back up whether that be by engaging in activities, spending time with people or being with yourself. The point is to get off the hamster wheel of life and giving back to yourself in a loving caring manner.

Healthy Relationships and a Game of Catch

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  I have had a number of clients in my office (mostly women) discussing their relationships and basically their exhaustion at being part of a couple. These women aren't finding fulfillment in their relationships.  They are giving too much or expecting too much, they have fallen victim to a mix of having their expectations so high that they get disappointed or setting the bar so low they are exhausted from doing everything.  One of the ideas of relationships I particularly like is the analogy of throwing the ball.  My mentor Annette Franks gave me this analogy and it has stuck with me over time.

Ideally a relationship is 2 way street where both people are giving and receiving 100%.  Both parties are engaged and wanting to participate in the relationship.  Think of  a relationship as a game of catch.  In a healthy, dynamic relationship the game of catch goes back and forth back and forth, becoming playful at times and dutiful at times but each time Person A throws the ball and Person B catches it (or at least picks it up) and throws it back.  In an unhealthy relationship when Person A throws the ball, Person B just lets it fall to the ground, so person A runs over and picks it up and eventually throws it back. Person B might throw it back ever third time and so while it isn't an even game of catch it is enough of a game that Person A continues to throw the ball in the hopes that maybe this time Person B will play along.  This unhealthy dynamic continues and the game of catch isn't even--sometimes Person A is the only one playing and sometimes Person B is the only one playing.  If you ever played catch alone it is lonely, frustrating,  and exhausting.

The goal is to have your relationship be an engaging game of catch as much as possible.  Recognizing that there might be times when our partners can't play with us because of health reasons or stress reasons but knowing in a healthy relationship those times are limited.  The key is having both parties engaged so even if Person A throws the ball and because of poor health or stress Person B can only throw it a quarter of the way back, both parties are still engaged and trying.

When both partners are catching and throwing the ball equally to each other; the relationship dynamic becomes playful and energized.  When only one person is throwing the ball the relationship dynamic becomes demoralizing, lonely and draining.  

Think about your significant relationships:  are you the one always throwing the ball? Does your partner try to catch the ball and return it back to you?  Are you trying to catch the ball when your partner throws it? 

What if this is it? Is just being you enough?

Yesterday I was listening to Marianne Williamson. She is one of my favorite psychology/spirituality/self-help authors.  She is famous for her work in the course in miracles, and has given and recorded many lectures on that topic.  One of them I particularly love and admit have listened to many, many times is called Letting Go and Becoming.  Last night, as I was driving to a friends house I was listening to it for the millionth time and was once again inspired.

With the turn of the new year I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to 'set my goals', 'make changes', this has to be the year when I 'accomplish something' so I am putting a lot of excess ego-centric pressure on myself and my business. Admittedly I have gotten stuck in the 'all be happy when' syndrome.

 EVERY time I listen to this lecture I am struck by one sentence and it wows me every time:

"Happiness comes from the decision to be happy.  And with that decision comes the realization that NOTHING can be added to my life to make it any better. THIS IS IT! and you go 'oh no' and that is the despair we are trying to avoid because we say to ourselves, 'oh this can't be it because there is not enough here'" --Mariann Williamson

She goes on to say how in order to avoid the despair of thinking this is it--we continue to look outside of ourselves to finally have enough and it is a never ending cycle.

What I find most interesting about this quote is how my reaction to it has changed over the years.  Like I said I have listened to this lecture probably close to a dozen times over the past 10 years.  The first time I listened to it I couldn't even hear what she was saying because I was under the belief that 'no way was I enough'.  Yes, that would be something I would LIKE to feel but the concept was so foreign to me it couldn't even connect in my brain.  Then a few years later I began to feel the despair that she talked about, the utter realization and disappointment that it doesn't matter how much I try succeed or learn or earn because I still feel despair inside. So I needed to come to the realization that I am valuable, lovable, worthy period.  And I allowed myself that despair and that grief process.

Now when I listen to those words it is like a wonderful reminder to me that I am enough and this IS it.  I actually can let out a big sigh of relief and say, 'thank GOD' I can quit trying to be more loving, better organized, more diligent, more extroverted etc.  I am enough period and if I start working with what I have, start being grateful for what I have then I can move forward and live happier.

I am continually amazed with my life, and my clients lives how living happier is not only a choice it is a process.  It is a process of recongizing where we are and allowing ourselves to just BE in that spot.  For some of you reading this post, that quote will be a totally foreign weird scary concept, for some of you it will be a wonderful ah ha, or it might be a reminder of something you forgot years ago.

Regardless of where you are in the live happier process--the goal is to live happier period.  To remember you are enough, you have been given wonderful unique gifts that add value to the world and your job is to express those in the most loving joyous manner.  This is it.  We keep growing and learning but no matter where we are in the process, no matter how much wisdom, knowledge, money, success we have we are enough  because this is it.  There IS enough here and I am grateful for all of it.  The insecurities, the drive to succeed, the procrastion, the doubt, the insights, the need to clarify constantly all of it makes up the unique, nuanced, eccentric me.  For today, stop trying to be a better you or gain more stuff. Today just be you.

What are your thoughts on the concept: Nothing can be added to my life to make it any better. This is it.? 
What emotions does it stir in you?

Living Happier Through Conflict

I am constantly amazed how every day the choice to live happier is presented to me.  In my opinion, living happier is a choice, it is a choice to have awareness in my life, to have curiosity about situations and to take action based on my thoughts, feelings and needs.

Those choices to live happier come daily especially in our interactions with others.  Much to my disappointment (and I assume yours as well) we can't control everything about our partners, friends, or family.  We can't force them to say the perfect thing or do the 'right' activity.  Because of these differences there is bound to be conflict, disappointment and misunderstandings.  In my practice, I find that the unresolved misunderstandings in relationships are one of the biggest glitches to living happier.  Frequently people get snagged on the misunderstandings, wanting their partner to read their minds, take all the responsibility, or be perfect in every way. And seeing as we are all human--perfection just isn't in the cards.

Earlier this week, I had a one of these classic misunderstandings with a good friend.  I had accomplished something I was particularly excited about and as I told him I expected him to react with great joy and excitement over my news and when his reaction was different then I expected I became angry and hurt.  His reaction wasn't out of character for him or our relationship but it wasn't the perfect reaction and didn't live up to my expectations.  In the past, if someone disappointed me or we would have a misunderstanding I would pull away, pout, and allow the interaction to cloud if not ruin much of my day. I might have confronted the person after my pouting but if I did it probably didn't get resolved and I still had hurt feelings.   In other words I would not live happier.

These days when I have an issue with someone, like this friend, I tend to go through a process of Regrouping, Responsibility and Reframe.  I thought it might be helpful to introduce that concept here:

Regroup: Take time to feel what you are feeling; cry, pout, be angry etc.  Express those emotions in healthy productive ways, cry, scream, hit a pillow etc. Get it out and allow new energy to come in.  Realize you have a choice in how you are feeling. As I walked away from the interaction I began to cry and started my old comfortable pattern of pouting.  THEN I caught myself (here is the beauty of awareness) and I told myself I had a choice.  I could let his reaction to my good news make me unhappy or I could celebrate my good news and let him have his reaction.  After crying and letting out my anger and frustration I was able to look more clearly at the situation and began to look at responsiblity.

Responsibility:  You are responsible for your thoughts feelings and needs and for expressing them in healthy concise ways.  After I regrouped, which I admit took an hour or so I was able to look more clearly at the misunderstanding.  During that process I actually ran into my friend again.  He apologized for hurting me and explained why he had the reaction he did.  This in my mind was a CLASSIC misunderstanding--he was not acting out of a place of revenge or pettiness he was merely being himself, and acting within the bounds of our relationship patterns.  In other words, he was doing the best he can with what he had.   Frequently in conflicts we try to come up with blame or a right /wrong.  Unfortunately it is rarely that black and white.  I was upset that my friend didn't react in a way that I wanted him too and he was reacting in a way that felt genuine and heartfelt to him.  So in the responsibility phase I started to realize what is it I needed from him to feel better, what is it I needed to give myself to feel better.  In reality, I needed to give myself the kudos and joy for my victory AND I needed him to be express his excitement too.   The other thing that came up for me in this phase was taking responsibility that perhaps my reaction was a bit out of character for me and having some curiosity around why I might have such a strong reaction.

Reframe:  Here you are allowing yourself to get a clear look at the conflict--what is REALLY going on--what do I REALLY need and how can I express that to my partner/friend.  How can I reframe the conflict and resolve it? I realized through my curiosity that while I needed my friend to be excited for me, what was underlying my reaction was the fact that I hadn't spent much quality time with him recently. So when his reaction didn't hit my mark exactly it triggered me.  I needed to reframe my anger at him and ask for what I needed.  The minute I realized what was underlying the conflict and could express that need I felt happier.

That is the interesting thing about conflicts they are rarely what we are fighting about so we need to regroup, flush out the responsibility and reframe.  We need to make the choice to live happier, to allow other people to not hit the mark every time and then to get clear on what we need from them to make it better.

Digging Deep to Live Happier

Ah January!  I have a love/hate relationship with this month. On one hand it is nice to get back into the routine and relax from the hub-bub of the holidays.  On the other hand it is freezing cold, snowy and gray outside.  I have a sense of feeling trapped inside,even my dog is a bit stir crazy.  Also, it is the start of the new year as I said to a friend yesterday here we are 5 days in and I am exactly the same as I was in 2009!!  I was of course joking, but with the new year there does come some sense that we will dramatically change and shift over night.  And with the new year comes January, a bleak depressing time of the year and the awareness that we potentially have 3 more months of cold.

But this also presents a great lesson in Living Happier--which you know I am always looking for!  Even in the bleakest of times, when we feel trapped inside and tired of grayness we need to be taking care of ourselves.  We need to be finding things that fill up our bucket, feed our souls and give us the little joys.  This time of year we need to dig deep and find those parts of our life that make us happier.  Whether that be watching my dog romp through the snow, taking a new art class, enjoying a glass of wine with a friend, planning a getaway to someplace warm or just pretending it is warm outside while swimming indoors.

So this post is a friendly reminder to myself and you my wonderful readers--let's be creative, think of those things that feed your soul and start sprinkling them into our lives.

And since we are all on this Live Happier journey together--please share your soul feeders.  What do you add to your life when you are feeling bleak?  What activities/events do you go to fill up your bucket?  This time of year we need all the help we can get.  Thanks for sharing!!

Live Happier Tips from the Woods

Over the holidays, I went on a hiking trip with some friends.  When I say hiking I don't mean the traditional sense of walking on a path through the woods.  I mean hiking, forging a new path, sliding down hills, scaling rocks, jumping over creeks, crawling up hills, etc.  (The picture here is from the top of a rocky peak that we hiked up.)  This event was WAY out of my comfort zone.  While I was hiking through the woods, experiencing periods of utter joy and sheer exhaustion I figured out some lessons on living happier.

Relaxing Doesn't Always Mean Slowing Down: Sounds counter-intuitive, huh?  The friends who were leading the hike moved very fast so you had to keep up.  I struggled with this a lot until a friend of mine told me of a story of a guy who was talking to a wise shaman who was teaching him about the meaning of life.  One of the lessons was to run through the woods as fast as he could.  As the guy started running he realized the more he relaxed the easier it was to run without getting caught up on stuff and falling down.  As the pace got faster, my initial reaction was to move slower (and sometimes I did) but when I relaxed and went with my gut I was able to keep pace with the group.  In life, while it is necessary to take time off and disconnect.  We also need to learn how to relax while engaging and moving through life.  We need to connect with ourselves and our guts while we are keeping pace.

It Is Ok To Be Last:  For those of you who know me, I am pretty competitive especially with myself. I like to succeed so being last is a challenge for me.  I was the one bringing up the rear, struggling up the hill or scared to jump the creek.  But by the second day of being last I started relaxing into it.  It was kind of nice to let my competitive spirit go, to recognize I don't HAVE to be good at everything.  To see I had stuff to learn and places to grow and to get my ego in check.  In all honesty, it was humbling to see how far out of whack my ego had gotten and just how uncomfortable it was for me to struggle.  As I was walking I realized the challenge helps me feel alive, helps me grow and learn.  Frequently, in our lives we set it up so we don't have a lot of challenges, we get in our routines and we do the stuff we are good at.  When was the last time you really challenged yourself, learned something new and got out of your comfort zone?

Ask For Help No Matter How Hard.  I was also amazed how hard it was for me to ask for help.  In fact, I voiced that I didn't want help a number of times to my nearest and dearest on the hike. I wanted to figure it out on my own, so even if I was bringing up the rear I wanted to get there alone.  So my nearest and dearest stayed away, occasionally checking in but allowing me my struggle.  But those who didn't know me as well or just chose to ignore me stayed back and made sure I made it,  offering helpful (and I do mean HELPFUL) hints along the way.  At first I was annoyed, embarrassed really, that I needed so much help, I worried that I was holding them up, ruining their hiking experience, etc.  And then I became really appreciative.  I tend to be a lone ranger; asking for help, being vulnerable not my strong suit (but I keep spiraling up!!!) so this was a great lesson for me.  Once my ego stepped aside it felt good to get help, to have someone care enough to stay back and make sure I was ok.  Often times we would rather struggle alone then ask for help and open ourselves up to the vulnerabilities of being 'less than'.  When was the last time your stubbornness effected your ability to ask for help?

Enjoy the View.  The view was incredible.  Thank God I didn't miss it--I have included some pictures below, of the view.  Even though I was tired, achy, and struggling to fight my ego, I was still able to look around and enjoy the view.  And that, my friends is the point of life.  We struggle we get exhausted we beat up on ourselves and then we say 'wait a minute!' look at this view, look at my life, look at my blessings and we relax and smile.  That is living happier at its finest.

The New Year, Resolutions, Love and Floss...

I am back.  After a wonderful, peaceful, joyful vacation I am back.  I didn't even enter my office area during the past 2 weeks.  I soaked up time with friends and family, relaxed on the couch, caught up on sleep and just enjoyed myself.  This time was a good reminder to me of the need to decompress, the need to take time to pause and reflect on life and step off the treadmill from time to time.

So here we are in the new year, the new decade for that matter.  This is the time when we hear about resolutions, making changes, becoming better people.  I have to admit I am not a fan of resolutions.  Mostly because resolutions tend to force us to think that if only we have enough self control, enough strength and are just plan good enough we will become skinny, caffeine-free, alcohol-free, smoke-free, gym rats. And that just isn't the case.  As one of my mentors says "all change is incremental, all change is incremental, all change is incremental" (He always repeats it three times in a big booming voice for greater impact).  I believe resolutions can be helpful in allowing us to notice what we need to change.  I think the danger comes in when we start beating ourselves up for not being able to dramatically become a different person over night.  It is my belief we need a little self love with our resolutions.

So while I am not a fan of resolutions in the traditional sense. I am a fan of checking-in, reflecting, and reassessing.  That is what the past 2 weeks have been for me.  Re-acquainting myself with my values, my needs, what I want to add or subtract from my life.  With that I came up with two quasi resolutions.  The first one is pretty basic and traditional.  I am going to floss.  Notice I didn't say, "floss more" because right now I don't floss at all.  So I am going to add flossing into my routine--keeping in mind I usually add this one every few years and it hasn't stuck yet.  But after reading a couple of articles on flossing and inflammation I decided I will try it again not because I SHOULD floss but because I love myself enough to floss.

Secondly (and this is the one I really like) I am going to add more love into my life.  Not romantic love but love period.  Love for myself, love for my work, love for friends, love for family and love for people on the street.  As I have been thinking of my resolutions the words patience, space, happiness, relaxation, and joy kept popping into my head.  Those were things I wanted to add more into my life.  Finally I realized the word love pretty much encompasses all of those words.  So I made a little art project of it and wrote the word love out on a pieces of paper which are now hanging through my house.  Sounds a little hokey I know but I have found that when I write down and hang up the  changes I want to implement the changes actually happen--incrementally.  As I walk by the signs I put my hands over my heart and breathe in the word love and I just feel peaceful. It is a wonderful reminder to me that love is out there and it is possible to love more.

The key to resolutions and to any change really is that it takes time, it takes patience, it takes a plan and the space to mess up and try again.  As you reflect on your new year what is it you want to reassess?  What is it you want to add or subtract from your life?  In the coming year how are you going to Live Happier?

Happy New Year, my friends, I am glad to be back!!