The Danger of Comparison

Let's say you are struggling to make a life decision--you have been debating it for awhile and you just can't figure it out. So you decide you need to do some research, figure out the best way, the right answer, see what other people are doing.  You get on the internet or you ask those around you, Have you ever experienced _____ ? or What would you do if you were me...?  And before you know it you are inundated with advice, insight, information.  Your head starts spinning, you've lost all perspective on what YOU want and you find yourself stuck, no closer to a decision and more confused with what is the right path.

I confess, I am guilty of the above, looking outside of myself for the RIGHT way, comparing myself to other's to see if I am ok or if I am 'normal'.  To some extent this is human, we all want to fit in, we need other people to help us, we need the guidance of people who have been their before or know us well.  And to some extent, this is self sabotage.  When comparing ourselves to other people, or looking to others for advice makes us feel bad about ourselves, incompetent, insecure or feeling like we are doing it 'wrong' then we have crossed into the danger zone of comparison.  There is always someone out there who is doing it different, better, smoother, easier, and with more finesse.  But there is only one YOU...there is only one person who has your unique set of needs, skills, life circumstances, gifts and challenges.  So yes, we can go out into the world to see what others have done or are doing, but we always need to bring that information in and check it with our own unique situation.

Too often I get on-line to see what other coaches and counselors are doing, or I look at my friends to see the 'proper' way to handle a certain situation.  I know when I am doing this too much I lose sight of what I want, of what makes me passionate about my business or what makes me unique in how I handle situations.  The point is there is no right.  Yes, it is always helpful to seek advice, gather information from those that have gone before us, but when that information gathering starts chipping away at your self esteem or drilling down your dreams then it is time to stop and ask yourself--why am I needing more advice?  What is it I am really needing here?

Frequently we are needing a little support, a little compassion, a little gut check to remind us of who we are and what we value.  So the next time you catch yourself looking for advice or input...make sure input is what you need and you aren't getting too caught up in Comparison Danger. Because honestly all comparing does is keeps us from moving forward towards a happier life.

Celebration and Sorrow

I apologize, for going missing recently.  Sadly over the weekend, my mother-in-law died after a 19 month fight with pancreatic cancer.  She lived longer then most do with such a cruel and despicable diagnosis. Fortunately those 19 months were filled with family and friends, she was able to see her 4th grandchild be born and her youngest son get married--all of which we didn't believe she would see when she was first diagnosed in early 2010.

Since yesterday I have been honestly wondering what to write here...what can I say in the midst of such loss and sorrow?  Right now, It doesn't feel like I am living happier.  However, if there is one thing I know for sure, loss and sorrow are just as much a part of living happier as joy and celebration.

I am struck by the wide range of emotions that have been experienced over the past few days.  Relief that her suffering is over, Joy for those that believe she is gone on to a better place, Sadness for us left behind and will miss her, Reflection on our own lives and how death effects us all, Anxiety around the change that this loss brings and Celebration of an amazing woman who lived a giving and generous life.  All those swirling emotions, each of them raw and stinging.  And that is life.  Life is messy.

Life is filled with holding both...the celebration and the sorrow.  So while I may not feel happier now, honoring my mother-in-law's life, supporting my nearest and dearest, crying with my own pain...all of these will help me live a richer more happier life.

Today I encourage you to kiss your loved ones, celebrate the joys in your life and cry over the sorrows.  Life is short and I believe the key to living happier is to fill it with as much authenticity as possible.

Little Things

Thanks to Lindsey Mead and Ali Moore for the great reminder that the joys of life come in the little things.

Kissing my nearest and dearest on the cheek before I crawl out of bed and hearing a sleepy "i love you" coming through the darkness.

The game my cat and I play each morning as she insists on having the bathroom door open and I insist on keeping it closed--guess who always wins.

Greeting my dog each morning--sometimes she is standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me...sometimes she hasn't woken up yet and I find her curled up all warm and snuggly in her bed.

That first cup of coffee.

Feeling the crisp cold air on my face as I reach out to get the paper.

Catching a glimpse of the sunrise while standing on the heating vent.

The hug my nearest and dearest gives me after he gets up.

Knowing Friday mornings are my mornings to sleep in--ah! no alarm.

Those are just my little things since waking up this am---just in the past 90 minutes I found 8 legitimate parts of my life I am thankful for!! I have to say it was an amazingly fun experience to look back on my morning and see the little fun things that make up my day.

Try it---throughout the day pick a random time and look back and name all the little things you are thankful for--maybe there will be 2 maybe 22.  Regardless I believe it is a fun experiment to see our lives from a minuscule perspective from time to time to see what we have and are thankful for.  Rather than constantly striving for the big picture and looking at what we lack.

Enjoy this wonderful experiment and as always feel free to share in the comments!!

What If There is No Right Answer?

Get it...no right?--ha!!

Lately I have been struggling with the same phrase over and over in my brain.  You have to 'do it right'.  This applies in so many areas of my life---doing it right in my career, doing it right in my marriage, doing it right with my friends even doing it right when it comes to every day life activities.  As I began to recognize the pattern the incidences and examples were endless.

One of the biggest examples for me was on our vacation in September.  We were staying in a secluded B&B on San Juan Island in Washington state.  It was a gorgeous sunny day, low 70s blue sky that went on for miles.  My nearest and dearest was taking a nap and I was reading my book while lying in the hammock (Something I LOVE to do) after about an hour--I was kind of done, it was getting cold and I wanted to check on my nearest and dearest and figure out dinner. But as I lay there I thought

"no, you can't get up...you are on vacation...you LOVE lying in the hammock...you NEVER get to do this...you need to be ENJOYING this moment..you can't go INSIDE it's beautiful out here".  

As I started to pay attention to my stream of consciousness i was struck by the demands in my head!!  I WAS on vacation so if I wanted to sit on our couch in our room all day I could--there was no RIGHT answer.  

And so I asked myself, "what if there is no right answer?" and for a minute I was dumb struck--yes actually paralyzed by that fact---what if there is no right answer????  What a freeing thought!!!

Since that trip I have been catching myself frequently looking for the 'right answer'.  Trying to catch myself when I start down the path of looking for the 'right way' and what I 'should be doing'.  It is such a freeing moment when I realize there isn't a right way!!  I have been using this with my clients too--simply asking them what if there wasn't a 'right answer'?  They have a similar reaction to me in the hammock--dumb struck and amazed and then they get a little grin on their faces. A knowing 'aha', a sense of relief that there really is no right answer. Most of the time there is what we choose.

Yes someone, somewhere probably would give us their right answer, and make it sound like our right answer.  Most likely that is where the 'this is the right answer' voices come from...all the knowing voices we have internalized.

So I challenge you, the next time you start coming up with excuses "I can't do that...what would so-and-so think...you should do (fill-in the blank).  Smile, take a deep breath and ask yourself 'what if there is no right answer?' and then wait to see what comes up.

7 Ways to Make Your Heart Sing

Over the past couple of weeks I have written about the 7 Ways to Find the Work that Makes Your Heart Sing.  Today I just wanted to summarize each of the keys areas I talked about in one concise blog post--Enjoy!

Get Out of Your Rut.  Shake it up!  Get out of your day to day patterns and try something different. Because too frequently we get so stuck in the schedule and the pattern we forget what it is that we really love...what really matters to us...what we are passionate about. We get trapped in the to dos, the obligations, meeting other people's needs and expectations we forget to look at our own heart and passions.  Changing it up reminds us of what if feels like to take risks, to spontaneously laugh, to the ideas and people that bring us passion and make our heart sing!!!

Treat Your Life Like a Mystery Novel:  In order to figure out what makes your heart sing--you need to start viewing your life as a great mystery that needs to be unraveled and explored.  You need to get curious about your own life.  Start investigating, start exploring, start unraveling you.  As you go through your day--pay attention, do some investigating. Dig deep, ask one question then ask another and pay attention to the themes and patterns that come up for you.

Have a Little A LOT of Self Compassion. As you go through this process...stuff comes up, (and by stuff I mean: dreams, ideas, thoughts, plans) maybe it is stuff you have forgotten about, maybe it is stuff you convinced yourself was wrong, maybe it is stuff you just never even thought of.  Starting now we are going to great those ideas with self compassion and love.  Take notes, write it down, pay attention to what comes up for you.  What ideas, thoughts, plans are the scariest?  What are the most ridiculous, which ones have you built the most excuses around (those are all usually signs that you are on to something!!)

Get Creative: Merging Your Dreams with Your Reality  Up to this point you have been dreaming big, looking at your life in new and different ways, figuring out what you value, what you love, what makes you tick.  Now we are going to merge those dreams with the reality of your life, your family, partner, kids, bills, mortgage etc.  Remember, just because you don't have the time, energy or resources RIGHT NOW for your dream, doesn't mean you have to give up or are destined to live a life not having your heart sing.  You can merge both ideas--you just need to get a little creative!!

Face the Fear Throughout this process of finding the work that makes your heart sing.  Fear will come up--I believe we each have a Fear Monger inside of us.  A part of us who's job it is to protect us, keep us safe and minimize risks. Pay attention to the message she/he tends to send and when he/she tends to come out the most.  The fear monger is clever and tends to pop up in a variety of ways speaking to our value system, "you can't do that it will take too much time away from the kids"; "you can't go back to school, what about the money?"  Dealing with fear is a process, when we know our big picture (why we want to get out of our comfort zone), and our action steps we can bless our Fear Monger along the way and live happier lives.

You Can't Do it Alone. Bottom line you need other people to help you achieve the work that makes your heart sing.  You need support, connection, and contacts.  Reaching out to people, sharing our dreams, fears, and needs is challenging.  So take baby steps, open up a little at a time--start with the 'safe' people you can trust with your dreams:  friends, partners, family. Then slowly start expanding your group to acquaintances, friends of friends, people in the community. Pick one person and share your dreams, share what you need.  Ask.

Rinse and Repeat: This is a Process  Unfortunately, it is not a plug-and-play game where you punch in your skills, interests, values and out comes your ideal work. Because we are human, we are complex and emotional.  This is your life, which is an on-going, constantly changing, entity.  So finding that work that makes your heart sing, is challenging, exhausting and can be down right hard.  AND it is exhilarating, life altering, and game changing.  Doing the work that makes your heart sing is why we are here.  Figuring out how to live the best life possible, how to share your gifts and life from your heart is, in my opinion, the point.

I can guarantee, if you live your life from the concept that finding the work that makes your heart sing is an process of these 7 ideas on repeat you will LIVE AND WORK HAPPIER.

So there you have it---my 7 ways. Let me know what your think...send me an e-mail at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com or just leave a comment below!!