My 2011 Wish List

Photo Credit: stevendepolo

So earlier this week I posted about Creating Your Wish List.  I talked about getting in the Holiday Spirit (no matter what your tradition, this time of year for most of us is a time of miracles, magic and wonder) and writing down all the items you wish for right now. Practical, impractical, physical or imaginary.  The key is to write them down.

I have to admit this was a more challenging and more fun task than I thought it would be.  I have spent a lot of time thinking on what I would want, pondering my list in the shower, in the car and even yesterday as I was getting a massage.  It has been a rewarding assignment--a way to look at my life differently--to stop myself from saying "no you can't have that" to allowing myself to just dream.

So here it goes:

1. A Cure for Parkinson's Disease, Cancer and Epilepsy--3 conditions that have changed the lives of myself and  those close to me.  
2. Continued Good Health for myself:  This year has made me appreciate my health more than any other year and I wish that it continue.
3. The Ability to Eat WHATEVER and Not Hurt my Health.  I love food.  In order for me to maintain my weight and my health, I need to monitor my food intake and quite honestly...it gets old.
4. Compassion.  I think compassion would solve a lot of the world's ills.  It is the key to peace, happiness and joy.  If I could have a little more self compassion my life would be a better place.  If everyone could have a little more compassion for themselves and their fellow man, the world would be a better place.
5. Travel.  I have traveled a lot in my life but there is a lot more I want to see: Australia, New Zealand, Fiji, Brazil, Ireland (just to name a few).
6. My own private jet and someone to take care of it and fly it.  To get to above places a lot easier.
7. A Maid. I hate cleaning my house--so to have someone take care of that for me---would be awesome.
8. New Sheets Every 6 months.  Nothing is as amazing as new sheets.
9. Consistent Supply of Quality Books.  I love reading, but have a hard time finding good books so to have that supplied to me would be wonderful!
10. Intentional Living.  I wish everyone had the chance to live a life that is intentional.  If everyone could life with intention, we would all be taking steps to live and work happier. 

Now it's your turn,  as my nearest and dearest said...Nancy's North Pole is open...time to share your wishes and dreams. What do you have on your Wish List (remember it can be 2 items or 2000 items)

As someone who doesn't always write stuff down and take time to fully engage in activities such as this one---I REALLY encourage you to take some time, think it over and commit it to paper.  Feel free to share some (or all of your) wishes below in the comments, I would love to hear what you are wishing for this year.

This is my last post of 2011---I am going to take the next 2 weeks off from blogging to spend time with family and friends and enjoy the holiday season.  I hope you have a wonderful holiday whatever your traditions might be!!  See you in 2012.

Assignment: Creating your Wish List

I remember it like it was yesterday, entering Santa Land at the Downtown Lazarus store in Columbus.  It was a HUGE deal to go to the 'big city' and enter the fancy department store only to be transported to magical Santa Land.  I remember waiting patiently (although I probably wasn't very patient) and finally having my turn on Santa's lap.  After much deliberation and pondering I hopped up on Santa's lap and told him my wish list, smiled for the camera and assured him I had been good.  And then just like that it was over.  I remember feeling so at peace, so joyful that everything was going to be fine, I would get my gift of choice because I had talked with the 'big man' himself.

It always is interesting to ask people about their Santa Stories...inevitably they will be transported back in time and will describe in full detail a Santa Experience that is near and dear to their hearts.  As I was thinking today about my own Santa Story--I was thinking about my wish list.  The amount of time and care I spent on that list, thinking about what I wanted, perusing through catalogs and generally just taking time for myself to figure out what would be the best gift.  How rarely we do that today, I seldom think about what I want for Christmas.  Much by my design, gift giving has become more the norm in my world.  But when you think about the concept of a magical wish list, offering that up to someone who seems larger than life and believing that he will produce it...it is a little freeing, a little magical, a little fun.

So where am I going with all this Santa talk?!!?  Well... I think this year we should make our own Wish List.  Think about your life right now...what would you wish for...you could have anything in the world...what would it be??  Just Believe.

The assignment is:  over the next few days we are going to take the occasional break from our 'adult' world, tap into the wonder and amazement of childhood and we are going to make a Wish List.  A list of all the things you want for your life from the practical, (a new stove) to the ridiculous (a trip around the world) and everything in between.  I want you to really take some time to dream, imagine and believe.  Think about changes you would want in your life, additions you would make, and things you could do without. Maybe your contains stuff you could buy in a store, or make by hand or it is just ideas.  Your list can have 2 items or 200...it doesn't matter.  The point is to tap into spirit of magic that is in this season and see what your heart can imagine.

Over the next few days I will share my list and maybe you can share yours too..but for now just ponder...what if I could wish for anything what would I wish for?

No matter what your December tradition and most of them include a story around miracles, magic, wishes, and fresh starts.

The Moments of And

AND, it is such a lovely word, all encompassing, inclusive.  Over the past couple of years, I have changed the way I talk to include AND more often.  I love you AND I am hurt that you didn't call.  I am unhappy in my career AND I know it pays the bills.

In using AND more often I believe we open ourselves up to the possibilities of both.  I have also noticed, that as humans we don't like holding both, the messy place of I want to go back to grad school AND I am scared to death of that change.  Is hard.

We want things to be packaged neat and tidy.  We want to believe that once I make a change or once I make a decision, the hard part is over.  Unfortunately, not my friend, that is when the messy begins.  Moments of AND happen all the time in our lives.

• I need to get some work done AND I need to catch up on my sleep.
• I need to workout AND I am behind on work.
• I am sad about the break up AND I know it was the best thing for me.
• I want to figure out what comes next in my life AND I am totally exhausted right now.
• I am happy about all the changes in my life AND change is stressful.

We have AND's all the time.  Holding them both is the challenge.  Because bottom line it is hard to feel two contradictory emotions at one time!!  AND the more awareness we can bring to how often those moments happen in our lives, the more space we give to both truths, the more we can allow emotions to surface, the happier we will be

In my opinion, true growth comes in the Moments of And.  When we learn how to recognize the beauty in both. When we are start getting comfortable with the messy.  When we begin to make space for two completely separate truths that is when we start to see life for what it truly is: a fun, challenging, exhilarating, exhausting, joyous. terrifying ride!!

What are some of the Moments of And in your life??

The Danger of Comparison

Let's say you are struggling to make a life decision--you have been debating it for awhile and you just can't figure it out. So you decide you need to do some research, figure out the best way, the right answer, see what other people are doing.  You get on the internet or you ask those around you, Have you ever experienced _____ ? or What would you do if you were me...?  And before you know it you are inundated with advice, insight, information.  Your head starts spinning, you've lost all perspective on what YOU want and you find yourself stuck, no closer to a decision and more confused with what is the right path.

I confess, I am guilty of the above, looking outside of myself for the RIGHT way, comparing myself to other's to see if I am ok or if I am 'normal'.  To some extent this is human, we all want to fit in, we need other people to help us, we need the guidance of people who have been their before or know us well.  And to some extent, this is self sabotage.  When comparing ourselves to other people, or looking to others for advice makes us feel bad about ourselves, incompetent, insecure or feeling like we are doing it 'wrong' then we have crossed into the danger zone of comparison.  There is always someone out there who is doing it different, better, smoother, easier, and with more finesse.  But there is only one YOU...there is only one person who has your unique set of needs, skills, life circumstances, gifts and challenges.  So yes, we can go out into the world to see what others have done or are doing, but we always need to bring that information in and check it with our own unique situation.

Too often I get on-line to see what other coaches and counselors are doing, or I look at my friends to see the 'proper' way to handle a certain situation.  I know when I am doing this too much I lose sight of what I want, of what makes me passionate about my business or what makes me unique in how I handle situations.  The point is there is no right.  Yes, it is always helpful to seek advice, gather information from those that have gone before us, but when that information gathering starts chipping away at your self esteem or drilling down your dreams then it is time to stop and ask yourself--why am I needing more advice?  What is it I am really needing here?

Frequently we are needing a little support, a little compassion, a little gut check to remind us of who we are and what we value.  So the next time you catch yourself looking for advice or input...make sure input is what you need and you aren't getting too caught up in Comparison Danger. Because honestly all comparing does is keeps us from moving forward towards a happier life.

Celebration and Sorrow

I apologize, for going missing recently.  Sadly over the weekend, my mother-in-law died after a 19 month fight with pancreatic cancer.  She lived longer then most do with such a cruel and despicable diagnosis. Fortunately those 19 months were filled with family and friends, she was able to see her 4th grandchild be born and her youngest son get married--all of which we didn't believe she would see when she was first diagnosed in early 2010.

Since yesterday I have been honestly wondering what to write here...what can I say in the midst of such loss and sorrow?  Right now, It doesn't feel like I am living happier.  However, if there is one thing I know for sure, loss and sorrow are just as much a part of living happier as joy and celebration.

I am struck by the wide range of emotions that have been experienced over the past few days.  Relief that her suffering is over, Joy for those that believe she is gone on to a better place, Sadness for us left behind and will miss her, Reflection on our own lives and how death effects us all, Anxiety around the change that this loss brings and Celebration of an amazing woman who lived a giving and generous life.  All those swirling emotions, each of them raw and stinging.  And that is life.  Life is messy.

Life is filled with holding both...the celebration and the sorrow.  So while I may not feel happier now, honoring my mother-in-law's life, supporting my nearest and dearest, crying with my own pain...all of these will help me live a richer more happier life.

Today I encourage you to kiss your loved ones, celebrate the joys in your life and cry over the sorrows.  Life is short and I believe the key to living happier is to fill it with as much authenticity as possible.

Little Things

Thanks to Lindsey Mead and Ali Moore for the great reminder that the joys of life come in the little things.

Kissing my nearest and dearest on the cheek before I crawl out of bed and hearing a sleepy "i love you" coming through the darkness.

The game my cat and I play each morning as she insists on having the bathroom door open and I insist on keeping it closed--guess who always wins.

Greeting my dog each morning--sometimes she is standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for me...sometimes she hasn't woken up yet and I find her curled up all warm and snuggly in her bed.

That first cup of coffee.

Feeling the crisp cold air on my face as I reach out to get the paper.

Catching a glimpse of the sunrise while standing on the heating vent.

The hug my nearest and dearest gives me after he gets up.

Knowing Friday mornings are my mornings to sleep in--ah! no alarm.

Those are just my little things since waking up this am---just in the past 90 minutes I found 8 legitimate parts of my life I am thankful for!! I have to say it was an amazingly fun experience to look back on my morning and see the little fun things that make up my day.

Try it---throughout the day pick a random time and look back and name all the little things you are thankful for--maybe there will be 2 maybe 22.  Regardless I believe it is a fun experiment to see our lives from a minuscule perspective from time to time to see what we have and are thankful for.  Rather than constantly striving for the big picture and looking at what we lack.

Enjoy this wonderful experiment and as always feel free to share in the comments!!

What If There is No Right Answer?

Get it...no right?--ha!!

Lately I have been struggling with the same phrase over and over in my brain.  You have to 'do it right'.  This applies in so many areas of my life---doing it right in my career, doing it right in my marriage, doing it right with my friends even doing it right when it comes to every day life activities.  As I began to recognize the pattern the incidences and examples were endless.

One of the biggest examples for me was on our vacation in September.  We were staying in a secluded B&B on San Juan Island in Washington state.  It was a gorgeous sunny day, low 70s blue sky that went on for miles.  My nearest and dearest was taking a nap and I was reading my book while lying in the hammock (Something I LOVE to do) after about an hour--I was kind of done, it was getting cold and I wanted to check on my nearest and dearest and figure out dinner. But as I lay there I thought

"no, you can't get up...you are on vacation...you LOVE lying in the hammock...you NEVER get to do this...you need to be ENJOYING this moment..you can't go INSIDE it's beautiful out here".  

As I started to pay attention to my stream of consciousness i was struck by the demands in my head!!  I WAS on vacation so if I wanted to sit on our couch in our room all day I could--there was no RIGHT answer.  

And so I asked myself, "what if there is no right answer?" and for a minute I was dumb struck--yes actually paralyzed by that fact---what if there is no right answer????  What a freeing thought!!!

Since that trip I have been catching myself frequently looking for the 'right answer'.  Trying to catch myself when I start down the path of looking for the 'right way' and what I 'should be doing'.  It is such a freeing moment when I realize there isn't a right way!!  I have been using this with my clients too--simply asking them what if there wasn't a 'right answer'?  They have a similar reaction to me in the hammock--dumb struck and amazed and then they get a little grin on their faces. A knowing 'aha', a sense of relief that there really is no right answer. Most of the time there is what we choose.

Yes someone, somewhere probably would give us their right answer, and make it sound like our right answer.  Most likely that is where the 'this is the right answer' voices come from...all the knowing voices we have internalized.

So I challenge you, the next time you start coming up with excuses "I can't do that...what would so-and-so think...you should do (fill-in the blank).  Smile, take a deep breath and ask yourself 'what if there is no right answer?' and then wait to see what comes up.

7 Ways to Make Your Heart Sing

Over the past couple of weeks I have written about the 7 Ways to Find the Work that Makes Your Heart Sing.  Today I just wanted to summarize each of the keys areas I talked about in one concise blog post--Enjoy!

Get Out of Your Rut.  Shake it up!  Get out of your day to day patterns and try something different. Because too frequently we get so stuck in the schedule and the pattern we forget what it is that we really love...what really matters to us...what we are passionate about. We get trapped in the to dos, the obligations, meeting other people's needs and expectations we forget to look at our own heart and passions.  Changing it up reminds us of what if feels like to take risks, to spontaneously laugh, to the ideas and people that bring us passion and make our heart sing!!!

Treat Your Life Like a Mystery Novel:  In order to figure out what makes your heart sing--you need to start viewing your life as a great mystery that needs to be unraveled and explored.  You need to get curious about your own life.  Start investigating, start exploring, start unraveling you.  As you go through your day--pay attention, do some investigating. Dig deep, ask one question then ask another and pay attention to the themes and patterns that come up for you.

Have a Little A LOT of Self Compassion. As you go through this process...stuff comes up, (and by stuff I mean: dreams, ideas, thoughts, plans) maybe it is stuff you have forgotten about, maybe it is stuff you convinced yourself was wrong, maybe it is stuff you just never even thought of.  Starting now we are going to great those ideas with self compassion and love.  Take notes, write it down, pay attention to what comes up for you.  What ideas, thoughts, plans are the scariest?  What are the most ridiculous, which ones have you built the most excuses around (those are all usually signs that you are on to something!!)

Get Creative: Merging Your Dreams with Your Reality  Up to this point you have been dreaming big, looking at your life in new and different ways, figuring out what you value, what you love, what makes you tick.  Now we are going to merge those dreams with the reality of your life, your family, partner, kids, bills, mortgage etc.  Remember, just because you don't have the time, energy or resources RIGHT NOW for your dream, doesn't mean you have to give up or are destined to live a life not having your heart sing.  You can merge both ideas--you just need to get a little creative!!

Face the Fear Throughout this process of finding the work that makes your heart sing.  Fear will come up--I believe we each have a Fear Monger inside of us.  A part of us who's job it is to protect us, keep us safe and minimize risks. Pay attention to the message she/he tends to send and when he/she tends to come out the most.  The fear monger is clever and tends to pop up in a variety of ways speaking to our value system, "you can't do that it will take too much time away from the kids"; "you can't go back to school, what about the money?"  Dealing with fear is a process, when we know our big picture (why we want to get out of our comfort zone), and our action steps we can bless our Fear Monger along the way and live happier lives.

You Can't Do it Alone. Bottom line you need other people to help you achieve the work that makes your heart sing.  You need support, connection, and contacts.  Reaching out to people, sharing our dreams, fears, and needs is challenging.  So take baby steps, open up a little at a time--start with the 'safe' people you can trust with your dreams:  friends, partners, family. Then slowly start expanding your group to acquaintances, friends of friends, people in the community. Pick one person and share your dreams, share what you need.  Ask.

Rinse and Repeat: This is a Process  Unfortunately, it is not a plug-and-play game where you punch in your skills, interests, values and out comes your ideal work. Because we are human, we are complex and emotional.  This is your life, which is an on-going, constantly changing, entity.  So finding that work that makes your heart sing, is challenging, exhausting and can be down right hard.  AND it is exhilarating, life altering, and game changing.  Doing the work that makes your heart sing is why we are here.  Figuring out how to live the best life possible, how to share your gifts and life from your heart is, in my opinion, the point.

I can guarantee, if you live your life from the concept that finding the work that makes your heart sing is an process of these 7 ideas on repeat you will LIVE AND WORK HAPPIER.

So there you have it---my 7 ways. Let me know what your think...send me an e-mail at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com or just leave a comment below!!

Rinse and Repeat: This is a Process

This is it--the last in my 7 part series on How to Find the Work that Makes your Heart Sing. If you have missed them or if you just want a refresher--the first 6 ways (in no particular order) to find the work that makes your heart sing are here:

Busting Out of Your Rut

Treating Your Life Like a Mystery Novel

Having A LOT of Self Compassion
Getting Creative
Facing your Fear
You Can't Do it Alone.

The 7th tip is Rinse and Repeat

This is a process. Unfortunately, it is not a plug-and-play game where you punch in your skills, interests, values and out comes your ideal work.  It is not follow these 7 rules and I guarantee you will figure out your ideal work.  Because we are human, we are complex and emotional.  We have doubts, fears, insecurities, and rooted belief systems that keep us questioning and stuck.  We have kids, bills, sick parents and a myriad of responsibilities.

This is your life, which is an on-going, constantly changing, entity.  So finding that work that makes your heart sing, is challenging, exhausting and can be down right hard.  AND it is exhilarating, life altering, and game changing.  Doing the work that makes your heart sing is why we are here.  Figuring out how to life the best life possible, how to share your gifts and life from your heart is, in my opinion, the point.

I confess I hesitated to put this in as one of the 7 because I want to be able to say it is easy, I want to offer the plug and play game.  However, I KNOW from my personal experience and from watching my clients there is no magic pill, or easy solution.  This is an on-going process of spiraling up and checking back in.

Even this week, I sat in the back yard with my nearest and dearest as he worked in the yard chatting with him about my work, re-evaluating, checking-in with myself and what makes my heart sing.  I was checking in with myself, because my life circumstances have changed, my values are different, I have grown...so to has my work.

I can guarantee, if you live your life from the concept that finding the work that makes your heart sing is an process of these 7 ideas on repeat you will LIVE AND WORK HAPPIER.

So there you have it---my 7 ways. Let me know what your think...send me an e-mail at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com or just leave a comment below!!

You Can't Do it Alone

Today we are on Number 6 of my 7 part series on How to Find the Work that Makes your Heart Sing--the second to last tip.

So far you have learned about :

Busting Out of Your Rut

Treating Your Life Like a Mystery Novel

Having A LOT of Self Compassion
Getting Creative
Facing your Fear

Today's tip is You Can't Do it Alone.

Bottom line you need other people to help you achieve the work that makes your heart sing.  You need support, connection, and contacts.

You need people who... 

• debate ideas with you.
• challenge you.
• support you no matter what. 
• make you laugh.
• give you new ideas.
• think outside of the box.
• are practical.
• have great connections.
• know where the jobs, resources, next steps are.

You might have a different person for each role or you might have one or two people that fit each quality.  The point is you NEED these people to help you get to the place where you are Working and Living Happier.  Without people we are just isolated in our goal.

I have found, hands down, this is one of the hardest tips to follow for my clients (and myself!). Reaching out to people, sharing our dreams, fears, and needs is challenging.  So take baby steps, open up a little at a time--start with the 'safe' people you can trust with your dreams:  friends, partners, family. Then slowly start expanding your group to acquaintances, friends of friends, people in the community.  I know most people love to help, they love to support people in following their dreams and when you find someone who doesn't...move on, quickly!!

So reach out, take a risk.  Today, pick one person and share your dreams, share what you need.  Ask.

Face the Fear

Today we are on Number 5 of my 7 part series on How to Find the Work that Makes your Heart Sing--we are over half way there!!

So far you have learned about :

Busting Out of Your Rut

Treating Your Life Like a Detective Novel

Having A LOT of Self Compassion

Getting Creative

Today's Number 5 is:
Face the Fear 


Throughout this process of finding the work that makes your heart sing.  Fear will come up--I believe we each have a Fear Monger inside of us.  A part of us who's job it is to protect us, keep us safe and minimize risks.  I call it the Fear Monger--because a monger's job according to the World English Dictionary is a promoter of something unpleasant--this part of our personality has the job of promoting fear for a variety of reasons, safety, security, minimizing risk and protection.  But I believe one of our rights as humans is to face this fear...make changes...risk in a variety of ways and bust out of our ruts.  If we don't risk, change, grow and dare to look at life differently--what's the point? 

So we all have A Fear Monger.  And the fear monger is clever, it pops up in a variety of ways, usually speaking to our value system or what we love the most.  

Step One: Start recognizing your Fear Monger.  Give her/him a name a face--it can be extremely creative or something as simple as Scared Nancy (bet you couldn't guess, that's mine ).  I will encourage clients to draw a picture, or write a description of what their fear monger looks like and/or sounds like.

Pay attention to the message she/he tends to send and when he/she tends to come out the most.  The fear monger is clever and tends to pop up in a variety of ways speaking to our value system, "you can't do that it will take too much time away from the kids"; "you can't go back to school, what about the money?"

Build awareness around how you react to the fear monger, do you eat, watch TV, become agitated, pick a fight or just give up.

Step Two: Once you recognize the Fear Monger has been playing your head acknowledge it, actually bless it.   Frequently I will say, "thank you 'scared Nancy' I appreciate your fear but I got this one.  I can handle this and I want to move forward".  I know that sounds crazy--but trust me it works.  It is as if acknowledging this very real part of us allows her to relax--she feels heard and she can then settle down.

Physically make some shifts in your body as you acknowledge the fear monger--place your hand over your heart as you bless it, get up and walk it out of the room, hold your hand up to say stop, thanks but no thanks.  Adding a physical movement makes a more real change.

This is a process, at first you might not recognize your Fear Monger has been talking until you are in the midst of an argument with your spouse.  The more you practice, the quicker you will catch The Fear Monger in the moment.  Eventually you will catch him/her as they are chatting away their negative propaganda and you will be able to bless them and move on in the moment.

Step Three: Know your big picture and take small steps  The Fear Monger is there to help us from getting hurt. He/she is a real part of us, just a scared fearful part.  So in order to keep her fear messages to a minimum, you need to have a two fold process:

First know your big picture.  Know what you are going after: more time with your family, more fulfillment, more happiness, more vacation time, etc.

Then begin to break it down into small steps.  Maybe you are wanting to explore going back to school. It doesn't mean you have to quit your job and go back to school next quarter.  You can start with small steps:  researching schools, gathering application materials, making a plan for finances, and taking entrance exams if necessary.

 I know from experience, when we know why we are pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone (big picture) and then able to take action steps (small steps), blessing our Fear Monger along the way we will be able to live happier lives.

Here are some other posts I have written on Fear:

Facing our Demons

An Interview with Tara Sophia Mohr

A Lesson in Facing My Fear Monger

The Suffering of Fear

Get Creative: Merging Your Dreams with Your Reality

Happy Thursday!  Today marks the 4th day of my 7 part series on How to Find the Work that Makes your Heart Sing--we are over half way there!!

So far you have:
Busted Out of Your Rut
Treated Your Life Like a Detective Novel
Had A LOT of Self Compassion

Today's tip is:

Get Creative: Merging Your Dreams with Your Reality

I have to admit, at first I was going to call this tip Get Practical but then I decided that was too much of a downer AND what I really meant is for us to Get Creative about our lives.  Up to this point you have been dreaming big, looking at your life in new and different ways, figuring out what you value, what you love, what makes you tick and then bringing a lot of self compassion and openness around those ideas.  Today we are going to merge those dreams with the reality of your life.

For example, maybe you decide you love nursing and you really want to go back to school and become a nurse.  But you also have 3 children and a spouse, plus a mortgage, car payment and monthly bills.  You need to keep your full time job to help support your family, full time nursing school is not an option.  But part time is...maybe even 1-2 classes a semester, maybe you can even take them on-line.  Maybe you just don't have the time, energy or finances for 1-2 classes; so you could volunteer at the hospital or assisted care facility on Saturdays--maybe if your children are old enough you could bring them along.  Or you could start reading books about the medical profession, learning as much as possible about the subject.

My point being....just because you don't have the time, energy or resources RIGHT NOW for your dream, doesn't mean you have to give up or are destined to live a life not having your heart sing.  You can merge both ideas--you just need to get a little creative!!

What do you think...how is this process for you.  I would love to hear so feel free to comment below or or send me an e-mail at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com

Have A LOT of Self Compassion.

Photo Credit: vvonstruen

Today is day 3 in my series:  The 7 Ways to Find the Work that Makes Your Heart Sing.   Yesterday in #2, I talked about Treating Your Life Like A Mystery Novel and really getting curious about what makes your tick.

 Today follows nicely with Number 2 (although these are in no particular order).  The 3rd tip is:

Have a Little A LOT of Self Compassion.

In fact without number 3, number 2 is pretty useless.  If you don't have a little compassion for yourself you won't be able to move forward into the ideas, thoughts that come forward from your great detective work you started yesterday.

What does self compassion mean? Yep--it is something that is a bit foreign to us.

Self compassion is:

• Loving yourself no matter what,
• Letting go of the shoulds, 
• Looking past the rules and comparisons
• Just appreciating where you are and allowing yourself to be fully who you are.

As you go through this process...stuff comes up, (and by stuff I mean: dreams, ideas, thoughts, plans) maybe it is stuff you have forgotten about, maybe it is stuff you convinced yourself was wrong, maybe it is stuff you just never even thought of.  Regardless when this 'stuff' appears welcome it.  As Tara Brach says, "welcome it to tea" Sit down with your dreams and ideas and welcome them in to your life.

Too often, we push them aside and ignore them because they are too great, too overwhelming, too ridiculous, too scary!!  Today we are going to great those ideas with self compassion and love.  Take notes, write it down, pay attention to what comes up for you.  What ideas, thoughts, plans are the scariest?  What are the most ridiculous, which ones have you built the most excuses around (those are all usually signs that you are on to something!!

What do you think about these tips?  We are almost half way through!  Anything exciting coming up for you?  I would love to hear--if you don't want to share publicly on the comments below--feel free to e-mail me at nancy@nancyjanesmith.com

Treat Your Life Like a Mystery Novel

Last week I started the series
7 Ways to Find the Work the that Makes Your Heart Sing. 

The first was Get out of Your Rut.

Today--number two (and again in no particular order) is:

Treat Your Life Like a Mystery Novel.

In order to figure out what makes your heart sing--you need to start viewing your life as a great mystery that needs to be unraveled and explored.  You need to get curious about your own life.  Start investigating, start exploring, start unraveling you.

Honestly, the answer to what makes your heart sing--is inside of you.  It is your heart, your skills, your passions, your interests that I am talking about.  You just need to start getting curious about your own needs, wants, passions.  As you go through your day--pay attention, do some investigating. Dig deep, ask one question then ask another and pay attention to the themes and patterns that come up for you.

• What do you dread about your day? 
• Why do you dread it so much?
• What activities make you down right giddy to get out of bed?
• What makes you smile?
• What movies/books/songs do you love?
• When do you find yourself getting stressed and annoyed?
• What are you annoyed about? 
• What in particular is stressing you?
• What fascinates you?  Be specific--what are you curious about?  
• Where do you find meaning?
• How do you spend your time?  
• How do you want to spend your time differently? 
• What do you value, I mean REALLY value?  
• What are the most important people/places/things in your life?
• What about them is important?
• What activities/thoughts/ideas do you just lose time with?  
• What could you do for hours and hours and hours?

You are the person that you will spend the most time with in your life---so why not get to know that person as much as possible.  When we truly know ourselves we can start naming the activities and work that makes our heart sing. 

Get Out of Your Rut

Today marks the beginning of my 7 day series on the 7 Ways to Find the Work that Makes Your Heart Sing.  So with out further adieu:  Starting with Number 1 (they are in no particular order):


Get Out of Your Rut.

So often we just get stuck in our day to day activities, we build a pattern of getting up, eating breakfast, going to work, coming home blah, blah blah.  Even if that isn't your particular pattern I would bet you have one.  And to some degree, we need patterns and schedules to make our lives flow easier.  But too frequently we get so stuck in the schedule and the pattern we forget what it is that we really love...what really matters to us...what we are passionate about. We get trapped in the to dos, the obligations, meeting other people's needs and expectations we forget to look at our own heart and passions.

In order to find the work that makes your heart sign you need to break this rut pattern--break out of your schedule and do something different.

It can be as simple as:

• taking a different way to work, 
• stopping for ice cream with the kids after running errands,
• taking a walk in the middle of your work day
• trying something new for dinner, 
• or grabbing your partner and doing a dance in the living room. 

Shake things up!!!  And then pay attention to how that feels--what got stirred up--what emotion, thoughts, ideas came to the fore front.

Or you could be a bit more radical:

• Taking that class you have been putting off.
• Going on the vacation you have been dreaming of.
• Throwing yourself a party.

When we get out of our rut and shift our patterns we can also slowly start shifting our thinking and then eventually our lives.  Changing it up reminds us of what if feels like to take risks, to spontaneously laugh, to the ideas and people that bring us passion and make our heart sing!!!

Roadblocks and Detours

Yesterday morning my nearest and dearest and I headed out for an 8:15 appointment.  So we had left on-time (shocker) and when we hit the main street traffic was congested. We chalked it up to rush hour traffic which we usually miss since we both work strange hours.  As we made our way on to the freeway we soon realized why there was so much congestion--the main outer belt had been shut down and we were being forced off the freeway in the opposite direction!!

Panic set in--we were already running late and now we were headed in the wrong direction with thousands of other panicked cars also headed in the wrong direction!!  It didn't help that I no longer carry my i-phone so looking up directions, finding the name of the place to call and say we were late, all impossible.  So I pulled out the map from my glove box (circa 1990--a shout out to my father who always insisted I carry a map) and we called my mom to look up the phone number (who did so using the yellow pages--again circa 1990).  Long story short we made it to our destination just 45 minutes behind schedule.

It got me thinking about unexpected road blocks and diversions in our personal life path.  So often we are headed down a path, and suddenly we are met with a road closure and forced to detour--whether that be an  we meet the love of our life, we get offered a new job, someone close to us unexpectedly dies, or we are presented with an opportunity we can't pass up.  Detours both good and bad happen all the time in our lives--the trick is in how we handle them.  Panic, uncertainty, doubts and questioning all take place at the same time as  figuring out how to move forward and making informed decisions.

Too often we pick one or the other panic or stoic resolve.  We don't allow for both.  We either move into panic which makes moving forward, next to impossible OR we pick stoic resolve where we pick a new path and stick to it without allowing for the grief, doubt and uncertainty that comes with change.

Through the uncertainty the  problems arise the questions that need answered come to the surface.  If you just pick a choice with stoic resolve you might miss an area that needs your attention.  Throughout our journey yesterday am we were consistently recalibrating, shifting between 'we got this, we are doing fine' and 'OMG we are LATE, we are going the wrong way'.

In true transparency--it is much easier to go through the road closure and detour of life (and traffic) when you have someone to share them with.  I admit I tend to be a stoic resolve person making decisions, not always taking into account emotions while my nearest and dearest tends to be a panic person pointing out the issues, and problems --so together a natural balance seems to form.  

The Unnecessary Pressure of "Callings"

A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across an article called Jobs, Careers or Callings.  This article describes the research  of a group of Yale professors on job satisfaction based on our definitions of what we do.  In a nut shell, they interviewed a group of employees in a variety of occupations asking them to select whether they viewed their job as a calling, career or a job and then asked them to answer series of questions to determine job satisfaction. Not surprisingly they found that individuals that viewed their work as a calling reported more job satisfaction then those who viewed it as a career or a job.  Interestingly they found that people in the same occupation, defined their job differently. Specifically, there were some administrative assistants who viewed their work as a calling and some who viewed it as a job (those who viewed it as a calling reported more job satisfaction).

Since reading this research I have been thinking a lot about jobs vs callings and what this all means in terms of working and living happier.  So yes, working at our calling=job satisfaction therefore we should all be working at doing our calling.  Which to some extent I think that is true.  I believe we all have something we were put on this earth to do, something we excel at, we thrive in doing and we love. For some people that can be translated into a paying career, for other people they might work 'a job' in order to pay for the work that they do in their calling.  Personally I think we run into trouble when we have the idea that to be happy we MUST be getting paid to do our calling.  Confusing coming from a career counselor who helps people find the work that makes their heart sing.  But notice I said finding the 'work' that makes your heart sing, not the career, not the job.  I help people find their life's work, their life's passion.  So let's say you love writing and that is the work the makes your heart sing.  You would LOVE to get paid to do that and to have that be your career, but for the time being you enjoy writing.  You just love writing for the sake of writing.  So you have a job that is ok, not fantabulous but it requires limited energy and gives you the time and inspiration to write.  While you are working at your 'job' earning money you are finding creative ways to enjoy your calling. Maybe you are writing for the company newsletter or the company blog, maybe you are submitting articles to be published.  Or maybe you figure out that you are happy working at your 'job' and writing for yourself and your close friends and family.  Regardless of what it looks like, the goal is to determine your calling and then figure out creative ways to weave it into your life (as a paid position or not).

Maybe your calling is being a great mom, a nurturer, caregiver, loving mom.  Is this a highly paid job?  No.  So even though being a mom is the work that makes your heart sing, you might need a career or a job to help support your family.  But while your children are young or while they are in school you are going to poor most of your energy into being a mom because that is a calling of yours. So your career might not take  off during this time because you are working on your calling of being a mom.

There also is a need to get creative.  For me my calling is caregiving, nurturing being "Mama Bear".  Because that is something I love doing, something I feel compelled to do, something I do it without even thinking of it. It also means there are certain jobs that I excel at that don't feel like work...such as counseling or mothering.  But another less obvious one which is one I was very good at for years was administrative assistant.  I made an awesome assistant!  I loved predicting what my boss needed and getting it for him. I loved making sure my boss was prepared for the day and ready to handle any situation, I loved being his right hand person.

So I believe our calling is more than our job, and we can find outlets for our calling in a variety of ways paid and unpaid.  The absolute KEY is figuring out your calling (or the work that makes your heart sing) and then figuring out the ways to implement that in to your life as much as possible.

Give Yourself a Break

Any time I get sick, inevitably my dad will call and ask how I am feeling and then follow up with "you must have been doing too much and not getting your rest". It is one of his dad'isms, one of his favorite sayings and pieces of wisdom: Lots of rest, and low stress=no sickness (not that he necessarily always follow his own advice).  But he is right, last week after weeks of pushing myself to hard, not getting enough rest and not engaging in self care I got sick.  SICK: stuffy nose, cough, headache, barely move you are so tired sick.  So I rested. I rested because clearly my body was telling me I needed to.  The body is an amazing thing--if you don't take a break and rest it will make it very clear to you when you need to.

The irony of it was earlier that week I was just talking to a friend about the need to take a break every now and then. Not just a physical restful break but an emotional, mental break. That when we are going through transition (job change/search, loss, relationship issues, general life struggles) sometimes we can't be 'processing all our emotions' or reacting and acting in the most mentally healthy of ways. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves time off from life.

I remember a few years ago I heard Ilyana Vanzant speak and she was talking about the power of re-charging, taking a break, taking care of ourselves.  So when she started sharing her favorite re-charging practices, I thought I was going to hear some wonderfully soothing practices of meditation, yoga or prayer.  And then she said hands down her favorite relaxation activities was to put on her pajamas and sprawl across the bed watching Law and Order repeats.

 I was amazed!  I was relieved!  Here is a self-help guru, a woman who teaches on spiritual practices telling us that she LOVES watching Law and Order repeats and finds great comfort in it! It was then I realized, there is no right way.  We all are doing the best we can with what we have and we all need to give ourselves a break!!!  Remember that change is hard, transitions are exhausting and there is no 'right' way to move forward.  Sometimes when we push too hard we can end up exhausted and frustrated.  It is counter-intuitive but in order to make quality decisions and to know what's best for ourselves and others, we need to give ourselves a chance to rest, regroup and relax.  Whether that means sitting watching TV while playing Plants vs. Zombies (my personal favorite), having coffee with a friend, taking a nap, doing yoga or going for a run.  Whatever allows you to relax and disconnect for awhile is helpful.

What is your favorite way to regroup and relax?

Colds, Flashbacks and Fummers

So today I was going to write on Taking a Break and then somewhere along the way I caught a cold.  Ironically...I am being forced to take a break and take care of myself.  So I am sharing a flash back post from September 2008 today:  

I love this time of year--the strange time when summer the heat of summer is not quite over but the cold of winter isn't here yet either. It is too hot for sweaters during the day but too cold for shorts at night.  It isn't quite summer and it isn't quite fall--it is in between--"fummer" if you will.

 It got me thinking about all the times throughout our lives when we are in a fummer--not quite one place or the other--we are simply on the road. Not quite in that perfect relationship, not quite figured out the job, not quite happy. We are in fummer--actually most of our lives we are in that in between place--we just don't realize it or embrace it. To often we are waiting for the next season or long for the past season. We are fantasizing about the snow or depressed because the days by the pool are gone. 

We aren't enjoying the fummer when it is sunny and bright during the day and cool enough to have the windows open at night. We are dreaming about when our job will be perfect and missing out on the fact that we had a great meeting this morning or received a compliment from a boss today. We lament 'the one that got away' rather than seeing the funny cute woman at the coffee shop who talks to us every time we are in there. We miss the fummer because we are too busy looking at our past or leaping into the future. Enjoy your fummer! It won't be here for long!!

Dealing with a Demanding Boss

For as long as I can remember my dad has worked for himself.  He has always been a hard worker both in his professional life and in his personal life.  Whether working with clients, or working in the yard he has always pushed himself sometimes beyond his limits.  To say the least he has a tough work ethic.  Frequently my mom will get frustrated with him working so hard and will jokingly say to him "I hate your boss, he just never lets up on you, he is so demanding".  It is a loving way to remind him that he is the one driving himself to exhaustion, he is the one pushing himself past the point of comfort, he is the one who is setting his schedule, his goal, and his long term planning.  It is also a great way to separate himself from his 'boss', to give him some perspective.

To some extent all of us have a 'tough boss' inside of us.  Even if we don't work for ourselves, we still have the little voice (the fear monger, the inner critic, the gremlin) that tells us we aren't good enough.  That tells us to keep working harder, be more dependable, more responsible, more on 'top of things'.  So frequently that boss voice plays there under our subconscious over and over again.

I am constantly amazed that I could complete the same amount of tasks/stuff on two different days and one day my 'boss' would be ok with it and one day my 'boss' would be riding me ass that I didn't accomplish enough.  The difference in the days depends on a lot of variables:  how good I am feeling when I start out the day, how much time I had in the day, my expectations for the day etc.  But the biggest variable I have found is how much credence I give to the "boss" in my head.  The amount of time I let my boss just pick at me unchecked is frequently the key to whether or not I end the day happier or not.

So I have found a great way to combat my boss is to first notice him there.  To be aware that I am being extremely harsh on myself,  I am aware of that in how I feel about my work (usually negative), how I carry my body (I tend to get a tightness in my neck/chest), the words that come out of my mouth (usually more discouraged and down), the thoughts that toss around in my head (pretty negative and self sabotaging).  All of these variable show me that maybe my boss is being a little too tough.  And then I will say something to my internal 'boss'.  Letting my boss know that she is not in charge here that I have some say and that although I love her for keeping me on task I need a little more support if I am really going to be a success.  MOST of the time she settles down and the 'push' decreases, occasionally I need to address her multiple times in the day before she will settle.  It is this awareness of my boss and the acknowledgement that she is just a part of me not my whole being that helps me work with her instead of against her.

What about you? How does your internal boss manifest itself?  What ways have you found to lovingly deal with him/her?

Ending the "I Have Never Liked My Job" Lament

We all know that the economy is challenging right now.  I have had a number of clients (I would say the majority) who are motivated to come see me due to a pending merger, layoff or buyout.   I have had clients ranging from 25-65 who's jobs and lives have been effected by the economy.

I was struck by one client who during her free 20 minute session asked...I am 62..Am I too old to work with you? "Absolutely Not, I replied"  "No one is too old to figure out what makes their heart sing" "Good," she replied "That's what I thought too." When I hung up the phone with her I was thrilled. Here was a woman in her 60s who hadn't given up hope, who was motivated and excited to say "I am ready to work happier".  Even though she had the common lament of "I have never liked my job" she was ready to change that and finally find something she loved to do.

When she came into see me she was a mix of excitement about what comes next and fear about the uncertainty of it all.  She had just talked with her financial planner who had painted a gloomy picture of working for the next 5+ years and struggling to make ends meet.  But the financial planner had given her a number she had to meet, an amount she had to bring in every year.  So, as she said "All I have to do is find a job(s) I love that matches that number".  She was excited about "finally doing something she loved", "getting out from behind the desk".  So as with all my clients we began brainstorming the various ideas she had and by the time she left she had 4-5 job ideas as well as a plan for making them come to light.  When she left she was a completely different person then when she came in.  She was excited, energized, and ready to get working.  She had a plan, an idea a way to move forward out of the doom and gloom of losing her job.

Another client recently told me 'I am half way through my career life and I have never liked my job."  That is a common lament.  I don't believe we are told we CAN find a job we love, we are told to suck it up, pay the bills, work 8-5 and retire.  We are told the economy is bad, jobs are scarce, keep your head down and stay on track.  Never mind that you barely can get out of bed to make it to your job, or that you come home exhausted and unfulfilled.  Never mind that you have spent 20+ years of your life working all day at a job you think is OK.

I believe we can find a job we love, even in this economy. I believe we don't have to 'suck it up', 'keep our heads down' and just plug along until we retire.  I believe all of us deserve a life that is engaging, full of passion and helps us reach our full potential.  I believe to live this life we need to be honest about what we want out of life, to know our values and our goals, to know how much money we need to make to sustain our lifestyle, and then to get creative and think out of the box on how we can achieve our goals. Do I believe it is easy? No.  Do I believe it is for the faint of heart? No.  Do I believe it takes time, perseverance, desire and drive? Yes.  Do I believe it is worth it? YES!!   Do I believe I can help you get there? Absolutely!

What if you just started exploring the career that might make your heart sing?  What if you looked at your finances/goals/needs and figure out what you needed in a practical sense to move forward? What if you started paying attention to what are the voices, doubts, and road blocks that are keeping your stuck? What if you were finally able to work happier?  Together one step at a time we can end the "I Have Never Liked my Job" lament.

Happiness According to Mad Men

The other night we were watching Mad Men--(yes I know I am a little late to this party,we finally got on board and started with watching Season 1 and it has lived up to all the hype).  For those of you who are late to the party, like me, Mad Men is a TV show about an advertising agency which takes place in the 50s.  Frequently when we are watching TV/movies I get struck by a random quote, which makes TV watching all the more enjoyable. In the first episode of the first season,  one of the ad execs gave a definition of happiness that made me sit up and scream "yes!!"

".....And do you know what happiness is?  Happiness is the smell of a new car.  It's freedom from fear.  It's a billboard on the side of a road that screams with reassurance that whatever you're doing is OK. You are OK. "

So granted, this quote pertains to advertising and the back story involves an ad campaign for Lucky Strike cigarettes shortly after it was released that smoking will kill you, but I have been thinking and thinking about this quote tossing it around seeing if it really fits the general definition of happiness and I believe it does.

When I think to the times the that I have been the happiest, my wedding day, being on vacation, or working with a client.  During those times I was feeling confident, secure, positive and I was getting confident, secure, positive feedback around me.  I knew what I was doing was OK.  I knew I was where I needed to be, making choices I needed to make and was feeling the support of my own gut as well as the people around me.

Similarly I think about days when I am feeling happy vs days I am not and the simple tasks that one day might make me happy while the next day I resent. Walking my dog, Mocha is a great example.  Frequently there are times that I walk her and I just feel giddy...she is excited and joyful, the day is beautiful, we are out of the house getting fresh air and I am fully present and happy.  And then there are days like yesterday when  I head out to walk the dog because I haven't done so in 3 days and I am bitter and feeling bad that I haven't walked her, we are running late and that my to do list is a mile long. So I spend the walk feeling insecure, unconfident and ineffective, Not present, Not joyful. Basically...not happy.

I see it frequently with clients who leave my office all excited that they have figured out what comes next in their career, their gut is telling them it is a good idea, the research they have done is telling them it is a good idea and their support system is telling them it is a good idea. They are OK, they are happy.  Then they leave my office, head out into the world to network, job search, apply to grad school and they get rejected, disappointed or hurt and they aren't feeling reassured anymore they aren't ok.  They aren't happy.  But it isn't because they have picked the wrong career or that their heart can't sing.  It is the ebbs and flows of happiness.

I do believe happiness comes and goes...there are days when I am more happy, more confident, more self assured then others.  There are days when all pistons are firing, conversations with clients are dead on, writing is fluid and I absolutely adore my job.  And then there are days when I can't come up with an idea to save my life, client meetings are stilted and cloudy and I question my value as a career counselor.

So how do we fix the unhappy days?  The key I have found (and I open to your thoughts) is to recognize we are going to have off days.  We are going to have days when we aren't clicking, when the world outside and inside is making us question our choices. The trick comes in recognizing those days are all part of the journey.  Happiness will come, we will feel OK again.  The power in change is keeping moving, keep carrying on even when we are having an off day, even when we aren't 'feeling it' knowing that it is a temporary glitch in our long term plan.  When we can recognize that the self doubt and feeling 'not ok' are all part of the process of life we can slow down and let those days pass without taking them on as 'the truth'.  Then when the happy days come we can celebrate them with gusto!!

What are your thoughts? Do you agree with the quote?  How has happiness or "feeling OK" played out in your life?

My AWOL Iphone.

Photo Credit: RenaissanceChambara

Over the weekend I decided to stop using my iPhone.  The true confession is there are few things in the world I love more than my iPhone.  I know that sounds pathetic...which is one reason I decided to get rid of it.  But when it comes to possessions, things I owned, used and enjoyed I would have placed my iPhone at the top of the list.  If you knew me you knew my iPhone--it was like an appendage.  So when my iPhone went AWOL at the Dave Matthews Band concert I was surprised by my reaction.  I didn't  freak out (ok I did freak out a little but I didn't totally lose it) I remained calm and collected and quickly moved to acceptance.

In reality, although I said I loved my phone I really had a love hate relationship with it. I loved it's technology, being connected all the time, the many apps that I found useful.  But I didn't like that I frequently used it as an excuse to check out of social situations, I would find myself on my iPhone rather than talking to my nearest and dearest or interacting with friends.  I thought I NEEDED to be connected all the time and then realized how much I resented being connected.  But I admit I never would have thought to let it go myself.  Until it went AWOL...maybe my iPhone knew it was time to move on, time for me to grow, time to see what life is like not quite as connected.  So now I have a regular cell phone (I didn't go completely unconnected!!) and I have to say it has been amazingly fabulous!!  I have been more present, less anxious, and more grounded.  I never realized how much I had begun to resent my phone.

Which got me thinking how many other areas of my life could be simplified?  How many patterns/habits/toys do we just keep around even though they aren't serving us anymore? So often we keep plugging along...doing what we always have done even if it doesn't give us joy anymore.  My iPhone example is a small, yet life changing example.  I am amazed at how much it ruled my life...something so small...something so insignificant...something that if you asked me a month ago I would have said was a necessary tool in my life.  And now I realize...not so much is it serving me, in fact it was hurting me, causing anxiety, guilt, and frustration.

What about you? What are the things, jobs, people, hobbies that you loved at one time and now might be causing your more frustration then joy?

Facing our Demons

Thanks to Ark for the photo.

Lately I have been thinking about getting out of our own way, facing the fear monger and dealing with the 'demons', self doubts, fears and insecurities that keep us stuck. Hands down the first thing clients say to me when we meet for the first time is "I want to figure out where to go next, I have no idea what to do with my career".  So we figure it out, through assessments and worksheets and talking we figure it out.  And inevitably we get to the point where they figure it out the 'aha' moment comes, and they decided this is it.  You might thinks we are done..but that is when the real work starts.  Because that is when the fear monger, jumps in and starts hammering with all the doubts, insecurities, and fears he/she could possibly dream up.

Recently Ted Williams, made it back in the news.  For those that don't know the story...he is a homeless man from Columbus, Ohio (my hometown) who was discovered on a street corner by a reporter because of his amazing radio voice.  Check out the video clip below.  He immediately became an overnight sensation appearing on the Today Show, Dr. Phil, David Letterman etc.  And then a few weeks later it came out that Ted has an addiction to drugs and alcohol and soon those demons became to much for him and he fell back into obscurity.

So here is this guy...has an amazing talent, knows he has an amazing talent, has others telling him what an amazing talent he has and offering him jobs yet his heart isn't singing with this amazing career...the demons were too much.  You might be thinking, well this is an EXTREME example.  And yes, it could be...but I would argue that Ted's demons just happened to be a disease called addiction that is easily identifiable as a problem.  For many of us our demons and fears are more hidden, they come up through procrastination, half-heartedy approaching something, and other forms of self sabotage not as prominent as addiction.

When Ted was first discovered last January people were saying that they were jealous wishing they had this chance, that someone would discover them and that they knew what made their heart sing.  Ted's story is a great one because it illustrates that we all have fears and self doubts.  This process is not easy...even if your dream job is handed to you...you still have to get out of your own way to make it a reality.

Fortunately for Ted, he has found a new support system, has completed rehab, found trusted partners and is starting over one small step at a time.  I hope he succeeds. I hope he lives a life that makes his heart sing.  I hope that for everyone...but in order to make our heart's sing we need a support system and a plan.  Fortunately that is something I get to do every day...help people figure out what makes their heart sing and then figure out the plan to make that a reality.

My Favorite Definition of Peace

This sign sits in my office.  It is one of my favorite sayings and is the guiding principle of my work.  "Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work, it means to be in a the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."--Anonymous.

This is also my definition of living happier.   Living Happier means that even when life gets rocky and hard you can still keep your footing, stay grounded and remain at peace...content.  Living Happier does not mean always feeling happy, never dealing with problems, never experiencing pain or sorrow, never moving through hard work.  When I work with clients I help them to become more at peace, to recognize no matter what the changes, transition or decisions that need to be made they can remain grounded, solid and calm in their hearts.  It is common place when we hit snags in the road to throw up our own roadblocks, through drama, arguments, and avoidance.  When we can experience these snags through a place of peace life is better.

Last week I wrote a blog about a question that would change your life and I asked you to visualize how you want your life to look and start making steps to get there.  Someone asked me--what if my vision doesn't match my families?  And then gave the example what if I want to be near the beach and my family is perfectly happy in Minnesota how can I make that happen? It was a great question.   And of course I have an answer--that is not an easy one.

First off I would encourage you to look at ALL the options.  You could move your family to Fl, take your kids out of school and change your residence permanently, or live summers in Fl, or just you could move to FL and you could visit your family, or you could leave your family all together and live at the beach (probably not the best option but I said to look at all of them!).

Then I would ask what is most important?  Where you live or keeping your family happy?  I mean in all honesty families can be moved--that may not make them the happiest but it can be done.  But to be clear that you aren't moving to the beach because you value what's best for your family and not because your family won't 'let you' is helpful.

I would then ask, why the beach?  Do you like the warmth, the water, the sun or the lifestyle?  Is it the people or the sense of always being on vacation? What about the beach is particularly attracting?  Then I would ask is it possible to get those things in Minnesota or in your life now.  Maybe it means saving money so you can take all your vacations at the beach or by a beach house?  Heading to visit one of the lakes/streams and rivers in Minnesota more often or implementing a more laid back lifestyle into your life.

Finally I would start making a plan for moving to the beach--maybe it is once the kids are grown or before they enter middle school or when you retire.  But start saving for the beach house, cutting out pictures of the beach house, making the beach house a reality in your mind's eye.

It is possible to have the life you dream of...not always in the time frame you want it or in the exact way you desire it.  BUT I believe we need to take an active role in designing that dream, and living that life by setting our priorities, taking small steps and living the dream.  Using the above quote as your guide and remembering peace is being in the midst of the trials and tribulations and feeling calm in your heart.  Being in the midst of not being able to live your dreams RIGHT NOW and still finding a way to live happier in your heart, that is the goal.

Stepping Out of My Box: Follow-Up

Well I am back from a wonderful, restful vacation.  As I talked about a couple of weeks ago this vacation was a little out of the box for me.  My nearest and dearest and I traveled to Washington to see Dave Matthews Band play a 3 day concert.  It was my first experience camping or at a music festival.  I am happy to report I had a great time!!  I really enjoyed hearing all the music, loved the camping and met some great people in the process.  Overall I was glad I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to experience something completely new to me--I believe our lives become richer and more techni-color when we are able to move out of our every day into new worlds.  However, it is not all peaches and cream to expand out of our box.  I learned a few things during my out of the box experiment and wanted to share them here.

Flexibility:  One thing I really struggle with is flexibility, 'going with the flow', bending with the wind so to speak. I like my plans, my calendar, my schedules.  I like to know what is happening next, and what comprises both the big picture and little picture.  But this trip was about moving with the crowd not figuring out my plan or agenda.  I continually reminded myself that if I was going to really experience the music festival I needed to let go of the reigns a bit and be flexible.  Now in true confession, I did earn the nickname "Mama Bear" so I wasn't totally successful in letting go of my care taking tendencies--but I was able to loosen up enough to experience the world differently. 

It's not permanent:  I am not going to be a music festival groupie, traveling around camping, not taking showers, and eating PB&J for most of my meals.  I am a girl who likes comfy beds, good meals, regular showers.  The whole point of stepping out of the box is just that--to break free from your ordinary regular patterns.  However, I also had to regularly give myself a break that sometimes stretching out of our comfort zones is really uncomfortable and hard.  So it is ok that I didn't make it all 3 days without a shower, that I was the first to bed each night, or that I knew which vendor had my favorite food.  In the process of stepping out of your box you still need to take care of yourself.

Self talk is key:  I think self talk is the key to almost everything.  When we pay attention to the words we say to ourselves we can really learn a lot about our motivations and our challenges.  Quite honestly if my nearest and dearest wasn't a huge Dave Matthew fan and didn't love camping and going to musical festivals I would not have gone to this event.  A huge reason why I went was for him AND because I wanted to see what it was like, I wanted to stretch myself.  But the times when it was hard and I was just done I would think "man he is really going to owe me for this one" and then I would catch myself and realize "this was my choice to come along, my choice to get out of my box, my choice to see his world and spend time with him" so just because I was challenged doesn't mean he deserved to be punished.  Pay attention to how much your struggling is being 'put on' to other people.  And give yourself and them a break. 

I admit my example of stepping out of the box was limited and pithy.  Many of you are struggling with major life changes, job transitions, grad school applications, even relationship changes.  But the principles above still apply.  Flexibility, the temporary nature of change, and your self talk all play a role in how easily you are able to manage stepping out of your box.

What are your tips for handling new experiences?

The One Key to Living and Working Happier

Recently someone asked me, What is the one key to living and working happier?  To be honest I was stumped, there are so many keys to being happier--if there were just one we would all be doing it :) Curiosity, awareness, facing fears, less self judgement are all a big part of living and working happier.  But after a few days of thinking on this topic I came up with the one that encompasses all of them: vulnerability.  

The one thing that allows us to live and work happier is vulnerability.  Vulnerability to ourselves and the world around us.  Being open to ideas and thoughts and not pushing them down with self judgement and blame, being open to the fears and doubts that creep in, being open to the questions and insecurities that come up and begin open to the joy and passion that we experience in life.  By being vulnerable to life, we are open to it, open to the new experiences, the fears, the pain, the joy the passion. Just open.  If we aren't open to life, we can't live and work happier.

My first session spent with clients is usually brainstorming all the ideas they might deem as 'crazy' that they have about their career.  I love this session--it usually starts out rough, people aren't use to just brainstorming about their lives, dreaming, playing around...it requires a certain level of vulnerability.  But by the end of the hour session people are usually beaming with excitement.  Nothing has been decided, nothing has been committed to they haven't gotten a new job or a new life, but they have opened the door to possibility...vulnerability, step one.

I admit part of the reason I picked vulnerability as the one key is that it is so freakin' hard to be vulnerable.  It is a life long struggle to stay open to the world around you. To understand the fine balance of when to self-protect and when you are protecting too much (and therefore missing out).  I practice vulnerability every day in my relationships and in my work.  I am consistently striving to live from a place of being open  and present to live--because I know when I put myself out there and challenge my fears and my passion, life is better, life is more rich and more full (and admittedly more scary).

So this week pay attention to how vulnerable you are to life--where could you let go of the reigns a bit and let life just happen?

A Question to Change your Life

Photo Credit: Milos Milosevic 

Last week we were watching the movie, Something Borrowed and in the movie over a couple of beers one of the main characters ask the guy she is with "Tomorrow you wake up and your life can be any way you want it to be, what would it look like, what would you be doing?" I immediately turned to my nearest and dearest and said "Wow, what a great question" to which he responded "Yep, I'm going to be up all night with that one".

It is such a great question:  How would you want your life to be if you could wake up tomorrow and have it be different?  It is one of those great gut level questions, ask it and then think of the first thing that pops into your head.  Then go a little deeper.

 

Would you want:
to live someplace new?
to own your home/or own multiple homes?
live in the mountains?
live at the beach?
live closer to or further from family?

a different job?
a major career change?
to go back to school?
to own your own business?

have more/less kids?
be in a significant relationship?
be out of a significant relationship?
change the quality of your relationship?
spend more quality time in your relationship?

Do something different in your spare time?
Play more?
Exercise more?
Dance more?
Travel more?--Where?

Take some time over the next few days and be curious about how you want your life to be different.  And then be curious about why, and then be curious about how you can start implementing small changes in to your life now that will help you match your dream life so you can start working on living happier.