Blast from the Past: The Power of The Should

This week, while I am still in recovery mode I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives.  This was originally posted in March, 2010.

Should.  It is such a powerful word.  The statement 'don't should all over yourself' is one that is pervasive in the self-help/therapy community. Yet these shoulds come out all the time.  I should clean the house, I should be playing with my daughter, I shouldn't watch TV, I shouldn't eat this pizza, I should be a better listener, I should be more social, I should be less social, I should work out more and on and on and on.  Ad infinitum, these shoulds invade our psyche.

The problem with shoulds,  is they disguise themselves as helpful, when in reality they are merely forcing us to do something outside of ourselves. They are forcing us to be externally controlled.  Usually the voice of the should is from someone we know from our past, a parent, a teacher a personal trainer, or a therapist. It is rare that the voice of a should is our own. Also, these shoulds tend to snowball.  From one should, "I should workout", comes a giant slalom of hammering that ends up with me being the world's unhealthiest women, who is homebound and miserable.

So the secret is to break down the should.  First step is to start bringing awareness to how much you say the word should.  For me, it tends to break into my psyche more when I am feeling tired, insecure, and disconnected from myself.  In short, the shoulds come out to play when I am running on auto-pilot.  When I catch myself acting out a should, I notice I am half-hearted, not as engaged in the activity because I am doing it out of an external control. When I engage in a should activity, I usually end up feeling resentful and bitter.  So if we can catch ourselves in a should before it starts snowballing we can start to develop other ideas for how to handle the should.

For example, you are busy with a deadline at work and you realize it is your night to make dinner.  You tell yourself you SHOULD go home and make a healthy dinner but really you want to pick up pizza and call it a night.  Maybe it would be the 3rd night in a row that your family has eaten take out so they really SHOULD have a healthy meal, after all your mom cooked you a healthy meal every night of the week, that's what you get for working from home, you are such a bad mom and now we are off to the races, hammer, hammer, hammer.  All from one little should, one little meal that you are too tired to cook and suddenly you are the worlds worst human being.  First off be aware you are shoulding--you know what you SHOULD do but what do you want to do,  you want to order pizza, but your kids deserve a healthy meal.  So you start thinking of compromises; you can get a pizza and make a healthy vegetable to go with it, you can pick up take out that is healthier than pizza, you can leave work early and cook a good dinner because in reality it would be nice to cook a meal for a change and you have a new recipe, you can just order the pizza and recognize that tomorrow is another day and maybe your kids didn't get the healthiest meal today but tomorrow you will pack them a healthy lunch.

In my mind there are three negatives to SHOULDs:
1. They put us in black and white thinking and remove any alternatives.
2. They force us to be controlled by something outside of ourselves.
3. They snowball and can become evil tools for us to hammer ourselves.

So, the next time you catch yourself 'shoulding':
1. Remind yourself that it is coming from something external.
2. Give yourself some options around the should.
3. Ground yourself and decide which option makes the most sense for your current circumstances.
4. Let it go. (I admit this one is the hardest part.) But the more you practice it the happier you will be.

Live Happier QA: Help! My in-laws drive me crazy--any tips?

Welcome to Live Happier QA Thursday.  Today's question comes from Lori:

"My in-laws DRIVE ME CRAZY!!! I am getting ready to spend a week with them, how can I cope?"

As always I appreciate Lori's honesty!  Check out my answer to Lori's question below even if you don't have in-laws this video will give you tips on dealing with difficult people.

What about you?  Do you ever struggle with in-laws or other family members?  How did you handle it?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

How is it Serving You?

Frequently a client will come into my office talking about their anxiety, perfectionism, worry, inner critic, basically some habit they want to change. And one of my favorite questions to ask is "How is it serving you?' Frequently clients will look at me stunned and say "what?!?!" "Serving me, this behavior is driving me crazy, I want to change it that is why I am here!". And then I quickly explain that even negative behaviors 'serve' us in some way.

• They protect us from getting hurt.
• Keep our fears at bay.
• Keep us small so we don't have to risk.
• Keep us hopped up so we don't have to face ourselves.
• Keep us energized so we feel like we accomplish more.

We get something from the negative behavior.  Being able to name what you get helps us in two ways.

1. Until you can name what you are getting or how it serves you...you won't be able to change it. As long as you are 'getting' something from the behavior why would you want to change it?  So even if it driving you crazy to be overly anxious secretly, you enjoy that your anxiety allows you to accomplish a lot.  So in order to make any change you have to deal with that secret belief.  You have to look at the price you pay to potentially 'get more done'. And then ask yourself the truth---are you really getting more done or are you just feeling like that because you are so hopped up and anxious.

2. By paying attention to how the behavior is serving you it takes the 'evilness' off of the behavior.  It is hard to change something when we have demonized the behavior.  Let's take a basic example: You want to change the fact that you tend to run from thing to thing to thing and spend your days frantic.  You demonize this behavior telling yourself it is a bad thing and you need to change it. So you try to calmly go about your day, and you have success for many 4 hours and then before long you are frantic again.  Now, not only are you frantic but you are beating yourself up for failing and engaging in the negative behavior.  So now you are frantic AND haunted by your inner critic.

Let's go back and say you realize that the frantic behavior serves you by giving you energy because when you stop being frantic you are honestly exhausted so you hop yourself up on to do lists and anxiety to accomplish anything.  That isn't evil that is human.  So when you go to change the behavior you know you are going to have to have parameters in place to deal with that exhaustion.  For example: Turning off the TV and going to bed earlier, establishing sleep rituals, changing the expectations of what needs to be done in a day, or allowing time for 15 minute power naps in the day.

The point is by looking at how the behavior serves you, rather than demonizing yourself you can start to get at what is underneath the behavior and that is where real change occurs.

Whenever you notice a behavior that annoys you or something you would like to change--ask yourself 'How is this serving me?'

Live Happier QA: How can I let go of the need to always do it 'right'?

Welcome to Live Happier QA Thursday. Today's question comes from Susan:

"I keep obsessing about doing it "right" how can I can be happy with "just good enough"?"

So often we get stuck in the right way of doing things (another version of perfectionist syndrome) when in reality 99% of the time there is not a 'right' way.

 Watch my tips for Susan on letting go of this need to get it right.

 What about you? Do you have to 'get it right'? Is it something you want to change? How have you learned to let go of being 'right'

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 

For those of you who missed last week's Live Happier QA due to a technological snafu (I realized later that it was only 1 second long) I wanted to repost that video and question below.  Enjoy!  I totally apologize for the mistake.

Today's question comes from Missy:

"Back in the day, I use to be fun, I feel like since I had kids, I lost myself, how can I find me again?"

I think as we get older, take on more responsibilities and add more 'stuff' into our lives it is easier to lose ourselves.

We are so good at taking care of everyone else we forget to care for ourselves!!

Check out my answer to Missy below and the tips I have for getting her fun back.

Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 

 Want to download the Live Happier 101 Mini Course I mention in the video? Simply click here to sign up and have it delivered to your inbox!!

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

The How of Boundaries

Over the past few weeks I have been discussing boundaries. This is the 3rd part in a series on boundaries, two weeks ago I talked about the ways of setting boundaries, last week we discussed when to set boundaries and a today we are discussing how to set boundaries.

First off a quick visual. The image below is a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries. You and the other are whole containers. Each responsible for expressing and dealing with their individual Thoughts, Feelings, Wants and Needs. The wonderful thing is when we have a complete boundaries and we are able to express ourselves we don't have to 'take care of' the other person.

Healthy Boundaries:

 

So for example, you decide you don't want to go to happy hour with with a friend of your mine anymore.   Nothing against your friend, but you end up drinking too much and you want to spend Friday nights with your husband.  In option A. when you tell your friend, she can be disappointed, she can get angry and frustrated, she can have any emotions she wants and you know you are not responsible for fixing her.  You are allowed to say no that happy hour doesn't work in your schedule anymore.  And she is allowed to feel whatever she wants.  Because you know she will either process it in her own time and come to an understanding or she will come to you and ask for clarification.  She has every right to come back and ask to do lunch once a week and you can both compromise on a better/different time.

The problem happens when that same scenario takes place with no boundaries. So the picture below depicts 2 people who don't have a complete set of boundaries. There is no beginning and no end so you feel completely responsible for the other person and vice versa. So if we take the situation above and you tell your friend you don't want to come to happy hour any more. First off you will probably stew and stew and stew about it because you know she will be angry, and mad and you have to make it ok.  Because in this model you are responsible for her feelings too.  So if you do tell her then you will spend all your time explaining why and justifying your decision and making sure she is ok.

No Boundaries:

There isn't a step by step guide to setting boundaries. However, once you understand the model of healthy boundaries it makes the how so much easier.  When you can stand in your strength, know that you don't have to justify your decisions and give the other person a chance to be responsible for their own 'stuff' boundary setting becomes much easier.

To set healthy boundaries you have to know your needs, clearly speak them, know that you don't have to justify them and be willing to negotiate (side note: if you are setting firm boundaries to change a toxic relationship negotiating might not work)

I would love to hear from you. What do you struggle with when it comes to boundaries?  How have you grown in your own boundary setting?

Live Happier QA: Back in the day, I use to be fun, how can I find myself again?

Welcome to Live Happier QA Thursday.  Today's question comes from Missy:

"Back in the day, I use to be fun, I feel like since I had kids, I lost myself, how can I find me again?"

I think as we get older, take on more responsibilities and add more 'stuff' into our lives it is easier to lose ourselves.  We are so good at taking care of everyone else we forget to care for ourselves!!

Check out my answer to Missy below and the tips I have for getting her fun back.

What about you?  Can you relate to Missy?  How have you kept from losing yourself to the rush of life?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 

Want to download the Live Happier 101 Mini Course I mention in the video? Simply click here to sign up and have it delivered to your inbox!!

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

My Favorite Books

Clients often ask me for books recommendations.  My office has a bookshelf filled with resources, not to mention the overflowing bookshelves in my home office and living room.  I thought it would be fun to share some of those resources here:

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach:  This book changed my life.  I have read it probably 10 times and each time I pick it up I get new insight. Reading it is like taking a warm shower it is just a breath of fresh air to remind me that I am ok just as I am.  If you are working on self acceptance and giving yourself a break I HIGHLY recommend this book.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman:  This is a great book for relationships.  It is basic and simple, which is one of the reasons I love it.  This book addresses the subject of communication and how we all have different ways of giving and receiving love.  Frequently clients think there husband has no clue or can't figure it out when really they are just expressing a different love language. This book serves as a way to open up the lines of communication in a relationship.

Finding Your Own North Star by Martha Beck:  An amazing book for figuring out what you really want your life to look like.  More than just your career, this book looks at your whole life, your desires, dreams and limiting beliefs.  I remember the first time I read this book I couldn't put it down--so full of wisdom and ah ha's.

Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:  I have also read this book multiple times.  It is one of those books that when I am feeling lost or alone I will pick it up and open it randomly and it is like putting on an old comfy sweater.  I love the writing style and the journey that the author goes on.  It is one we all must take we just don't get to do it to such exotic locations.

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown.  I confess I am currently reading this one but it is AMAZING--and if you are a regular reader you know I am a HUGE Brené Brown fan.  All of her books are wonderful... this is her most recent and includes information from all of her previous work.  She talks about shame, vulnerability, and whole-hearted living from a very real, authentic research based place.  I highly recommend any of her books.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Riuz:  Another simple but oh so complex book.  Simply stated he says that we just need to live by 4 agreements and we will have peace--easier said than done.  When you read this book it all demes possible and wonderful and I frequently pick it up as a reminder that life doesn't need to be so hard.

Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum.  This book is full of witty, philosophical stories.  I remember reading it out loud with my mom around the kitchen table.  We would both be reading it and then get so excited we would have to read it out loud to each other.  I love this book for its insight and laughter.

Ok, your turn...what are some of your favorite books?  Please share I think we would all enjoy getting new book ideas :)

The When of Boundaries

Last week I wrote a post on boundaries and I got a lot of feedback about the challenge of setting boundaries.  Setting healthy boundaries are a natural part of a healthy relationship.  In essence, being lovingly aware of our boundaries is a good thing.  I have noticed over the years there seems to be 2 main issues with setting boundaries.

1. Knowing when to set them.  If you were taught growing up to not make waves, not be demanding, not stand out. You learned early on that speaking your needs was if not a lost cause, one that wasn't values. So before you can learn how to set boundaries you have to know what your needs are to be able to speak them.

2. Knowing HOW to set them. So if you know your needs and want to set a boundary knowing how to do it becomes the next challenge.  At this stage all types of fears come up...what if they get mad at me...what if they don't like me...what if a conflict starts.

So today I am going to address the WHEN of boundaries and next week I will tackle the HOW.

First off to know when to set boundaries you need to get clear on what you NEED.  To get started it might be helpful to download my Live Happier 101 Mini Course which has a great exercise to start drilling down on what is most important to you. You can sign up for the mini course here.

A great way to figure out what you need is to simple pay attention to yourself. Have some genuine curiosity and notice throughout the day when you feel anxious, frustrated, angry or stressed.

When you feel yourself getting anxious or frustrated then pay attention to what is going on.  Who are you with?  What tasks are you engaging in?  Is there something you need right now? Just start getting clear on what you NEED.

Some examples might be:

• you need more time,
• to someone to back off,
• to take something of your to do list,
• to go eat,
• to have a girls night

At first, just give yourself permission to just start naming the needs to yourself. Getting comfortable with the fact that you have needs and knowing what they are is the first step in knowing when to set boundaries.

As you get more comfortable in knowing and naming your needs then start asking yourself what has to happen in order for this need to be met...
do I need to say no? ask someone something?  speak up for myself? just do it?

Eventually you will see where boundaries need to occur in your life.  You will see that yes you do have needs, your needs ARE important AND you can speak up and have some of your needs met.

Now I do want to do a quick clarification here:  As with anything when taken too the extreme it can become harmful. Setting healthy boundaries is about knowing your needs, speaking up when needed, and recognizing when to compromise.  There are people in our lives that we will have to set ridged boundaries with and there are people in our lives who we can have loose boundaries with--the empowerment comes from being able to hold and set all types of boundaries. When we are too ridged we miss out and when we are too loose we miss out.

Check in next week for the HOW of setting boundaries.

Live Happier QA: Help! I am frustrated because I feel like I do all the chores.

Welcome to Live Happier QA Thursday.  Today's question comes from Jessie:

"I hate to admit it, but I am frustrated because people, ok my husband, aren't working as hard as me. Any suggestions?"

I really appreciate Jessie's honesty!  I know I have felt this way and I know clients have as well.  Jessie is definitely not alone!!

Check out my answer to Jessie's question below and tips I have for dealing with this frustration and how in all honesty, Jessie might be causing the frustration herself.

What about you?  Have you ever felt frustrated by a partner/co-worker or roommate that they aren't pulling their weight?  How did you deal with it?

Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 
For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here.

Do you have a question about Living Happier?

Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail.

Putting Perfectionism in the Past

I confess I am a recovering perfectionist--it is something I remember struggling with as a child and something I am always working with.  Fortunately, over the years I have eased my perfectionist tendencies and rather than being an every day occurrence they tend to only come out and play when I am stressed or anxious.  Perfectionism is the belief and constant striving to do it perfect.   At times this striving allows us to do things we wouldn't normally do, work harder, do better.  However, rationally we all know perfection doesn't exist.  It is when we lose perspective that perfection isn't actually possible that the striving for perfection becomes unhealthy and down right debilitating. The danger of perfectionism is that it serves as a barrier not only from those around us but from our intuitive selves.  By holding on to the belief that we CAN do it perfectly we continually strive for something that doesn't exist. In an attempt to drive towards an impossible goal we can alienate ourselves and our loved ones. 

Below are some of the things we say to ourselves as perfectionists and tips I have for changing those thoughts/behaviors.

"I can do it better" "If only I work harder I will achieve perfection": This is a never-ending cycle because if what we are after doesn't exist it doesn't matter how hard we work.  Now the positive of this belief is that we are constantly striving for more.  We are challenging ourselves to grow and become stronger more whole human beings.  The problem with this belief is we don't celebrate our wins.  We don't enjoy the times when we reach a goal or hit a milestone. Rather we keep plowing ahead for that ever-elusive perfection.
Tip: Recognize when you have hit a milestone or goal, even if it wasn't perfect.  Throw frequent mini celebrations for trying or doing a great job even if it wasn't perfect.

"If I had more time it would be better" This one belief is why a lot of perfectionists tend to be procrastinators.  Because the reason the paper or project isn't perfect isn't because we failed but because we ran out of time.  This belief is extremely tricky to change because we aren't aware that we are procrastinating out of a fear of perfectionism.
 Tip: If you are a procrastinator, get really honest as to why.  If you are a chronic procrastinator and a perfectionist, chances are they are linked.  Next time you have a project due, challenge yourself to not procrastinate, try to sit in the uncomfortableness of potentially not getting it done perfectly AND not having timing to blame it on.

"If I do it perfectly I won't be disappointed" This is another one of those sneaky, hard to see unconscious beliefs.  But somewhere we believe that being perfect will protect us from pain.  As if perfection gives us an invisible shield against hurt and disappointment. We tell ourselves if we achieve perfection than everything will be ok.
 Tip:  This belief keeps us from really engaging in life.  Truth is you will never be perfect and therefore you will never be enough.  Start building awareness of how often you think to yourself, if only I were skinnier, cuter, or smarter. Each time you hear yourself saying this take a deep breath and remind yourself "I am ok as I am" "I am imperfect and lovable".  Then physically give yourself a hug, smile at yourself in the mirror, do a dance or give yourself a high five.  The combination of changing the words in your head AND moving your body will slowly release the hold of perfectionism.

Perfectionism can be overcome.  It can lessen and it doesn't have to be the never ending carrot chasing that it feels like. Are you a recovering perfectionism? How does your perfectionism serve you?  How does it hurt you?

Curiosity, Compassion and Boundaries Oh My!

One thing that seems to be a universal struggle is setting boundaries. The concept of setting boundaries can be a confusing one.  We are taught to have curiosity about other people, to be compassionate about what they are dealing with so how can we then set a boundary which feels so cold and mean.  So I want to clear up some confusion about boundaries.

Boundaries are part of a healthy relationship.  When we are able to define where we end and another person begins that is healthy.  Boundaries help us teach other people how to treat us.  They let others know when we are angry, sad, or pushed too far.  When we can communicate our boundaries and let others know they have crossed them we can make real change in a relationship.  Too often we are taught that saying no, making a request, speaking a need means we are being selfish, needy or disrespectful.  But in reality, how can someone every really get to know you if they don't know where your edges are, what makes you hurt, and what your needs are. Boundaries allow us to fully show up as humans which naturally allows a healthy relationship to grow.

You can be curious about someone's behavior AND set a boundary.  Let's say for example, your friend is always running late sometimes it is 5 minutes sometimes it is 30 minutes but you can always count on them to be late. For the most part this behavior doesn't bother you but there are times when you are left sitting at a restaurant or missed the beginning of a movie because he was late. So you might have some curiosity around this behavior and you might even come to understand that he just can't help it, he gets caught up in activities and loses track of time.  Even though you know this about him, you understand this about him and you have compassion for him you also know that this behavior annoys you.

In all honesty, this behavior DRIVE YOU CRAZY.  And that, my friend, is completely valid.  You have every right to express that he drives you crazy being late and draw a boundary around it.  So the conversation can go like this.  You can say, "Hey Fred, I know you have a problem with running late, I get it you get caught up in doing stuff and you lose track of time. But last week when we missed the first 30 minutes of the movie I was really annoyed." "So from now if you aren't there within 10 minutes of the scheduled time I am moving on without you." Boundary set.  Fred can respond however he wants to, and chances are that Fred gets it and will want to change the behavior.  But you have lovingly set the boundary.

You don't always have to explain the boundary.  Sometimes it is necessary to set a boundary but you don't always have to explain what you are doing.  This is handy with people, who aren't open to your feedback or for relationships that aren't as close.  For example, you have a co-worker, Mindy who loves to play the victim role and whenever you see her she goes on and on about how terrible her life is and yet, takes no responsibility for it.  She is always asking you to go to happy hour and inevitably you spend 3 hours hearing about how miserable her life is and it just leaves you totally drained.

If you choose, you can have a conversation with Mindy about this behavior, but chances are that Mindy won't be able to hear you and because she is a co-worker you need to be able to work with her without animosity.  So you can set a boundary without having an explanatory conversation.   You can decide that you are  only going to go out with her over the lunch hour because the time will be limited.  Or you are only going to lunch with her if you can get other co-workers to go too.  There are a lot of creative ways you can limit your contact with her by setting a boundary without sitting her down and explaining the boundary.   Chances are if you said to her "Mindy, I get you have a crappy life and it is just hard to spend time with you because all you do is complain". Mindy won't be able to hear you and won't be able to change.

Boundaries are a healthy part of life and are a definite challenge to set.  As you practice setting them they can get easier, I promise.

I would love to hear from you.  What are struggles you have with setting boundaries? What is your reaction to the term 'setting boundaries' does it make your skin crawl, is it something you are good at, unsure of...Comment below!