Rituals: Celebrating the Monumental and the Mundane

I am a big fan of rituals.  When I am able to engage in my daily rituals I am a happier person.  When I have/take the time to eat my bowl of cereal and read the paper, drink my coffee and read my favorite blogs and then take Mocha for a walk, I feel better.  I love the rituals I have with my friends, ways we say good-bye or traditions we have when we get together.  I love my family rituals, especially the rituals we have around Christmas.  Rituals give us a sense of tradition and closeness.  They allow us  to pause and savor the moment. Whether they be 'coffee time' every morning or lighting the candles at dinner, rituals give us a moment to breathe and take notice.  Friends of mine have a ritual of eating together as a family and then the two of them with their 3 little ones go around the table and share what they are happy about on that particular day.  Such a wonderful ritual of pause, connection,  peace and gratitude.

Rituals don't have to be something we repeat.  Rituals also help us process change and transition. It is why we have weddings, blessings, funerals and baptisms.  Rituals give us a pause to acknowledge a change, loss, or gift.  These change events don't need to be giant or monumental.  Sometimes we might need to have a ritual around something that just feels giant to us like a break-up of an important relationship, loss of a job, moving from a house or making a big decision.  These rituals can be as small as writing a letter and burning it, lighting a candle,  or closing a door and saying a blessing. The rituals that help us heal don't have to be giant ceremonial rituals, they can take place on a much smaller level.

Over the past few weeks I have made a pretty major decision about my future.  This decision deals with my health, my relationships, my lifestyle, and my future.  All and all it has felt pretty monumental in my world.  I feel great about this decision and know it is the right one for me, however it still has left me feeling a little sad because in choosing one option I lose another.  So I decided to design my own ritual around it.  It was a short simple ritual that I performed alone in my back yard.  I admit at first, I felt pretty silly, but once I had completed the ritual I felt like a weight had been lifted.  The ritual gave me the chance to pause and honor the difficulty of the choice.  It simultaneously allowed me to honor the part of me that was sad about the decision and the part of me that was celebrating.

 That is the beauty of rituals, they allow us to hold both.  During the ritual of a funeral we are celebrating a person's life and grieving over the loss of them in our day to day lives.  At a wedding we are celebrating the gaining of a partner and acknowledging the loss of our single life.   I believe we need more of these little individual rituals that just allow us to pause and honor the transitions, decisions and changes that happen in our lives.  Repetitive rituals allow us to savor and pause the miracle of every day life.  While unique special rituals allow us to savor and pause the blessing and challenges of change and transitions.

What are some of your favorite rituals?  Do you think rituals are a necessary part of life?  Have you ever performed or participated in  a non-traditional/unorthodox ritual?

Picking More Daisies

This morning while brushing my teeth I happened to glance up at my wall and see a print that I have hanging there.  It always amazes me because this print hangs there all the time, day after day and only occasionally do I read it. When I do I am always amazed at it's wisdom and it is as if I have read it for the first time. 

 It was written by Nadine Stair.  This quote was her reply at 85 years old, when she was asked what she would do if she had her life to live over again.

If I Had My Life to Live Over I Would Pick More Daisies. 

"I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been on this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, and a raincoat. If I had to do it over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds and I would pick more daisies." 

Today I needed to look up and see this quote.  I needed to be reminded that life is one big adventure and ride.  I confess I have gotten bogged down in the muck and mire of life.  I have been taking my life and myself too seriously lately and haven't stopped to pick the daisies.  So looking up and reading this print, toothbrush in my mouth, was a gift this morning. A bit of a reminder to let go and relax, to embrace all the moments that make up my day rather than living for the deadlines and the what ifs.  We all need these reminders from time and I wanted to share it with you. 

Yes, there are times for being sensible and plan, but we don't want to miss out on the ride because we are doing so much planning.  We don't want to miss out on the silly joys and giant belly laughs of our lives because we have our heads down and our blinders on trying to be responsible and sensible.

So how would you answer that question, if you had to live your life over again what would you do differently?  And then let's start doing it!  Because life isn't over and fortunately we get the chance to start fresh every day. 

Here's to picking more daisies!!

Allowing Room for Dreams

Ever since high school I have been in love with this quote:

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them".  --Thoreau

It is amazing to me how one line can be so inspiring and depressing at the same time.  Depressing, because it rings true we all know people (maybe even ourselves) who have gotten stuck on the treadmill of life, quietly going along, doing as we are told without much thought to the possibilities that lie out there.   In my mind life is full of possibilities, it is a blank canvas upon which we can write whatever we want.  Yes, we may have responsibilities of mortgages, kids, partners and so we might have to work around them.  We might not be able to drop all worldly possessions and hike up Kilimanjaro with our dog, 2 cats and 3 kids.  However, we can start taking about that dream, putting the 'crazy' dreams on the table and speaking them out loud so they aren't so scary.  

I admit it is not natural for me to dream just for the sake of dreaming. I tend to want to get practical and figure out what steps we need to take to accomplish the dream. However, I am realizing that for many of us just the act of dreaming is scary. Just the act of saying I want to write,  live off the grid, climb a mountain is scary and unless we can dream we won't know what makes our heart sing.  

Fortunately I have friends who have taught me the power of dreaming.  They spend hours talking about their dreams and the plans they have for their lives.  Yes, the dreams may be impractical or challenging to achieve.  During the discussions, anything is possible there is great room for freedom, creativity, imagination, nothing is off limits or too crazy.  Because they are in total acceptance of their dreams they can then start taking steps to achieve them.  

There isn't the negativity around dreaming, there isn't the message of you need to be practical.  What they have taught me is that we first need to have the space, the expanse to just dream.  We first need to allow ourselves to be as impractical, imaginative, creative and dreamy as possible.  THEN we can later worry about the is this practical part?  How might we accomplish this?  What might we do to get here?  But first step is to dream and dream big.  Because if we don't dream, we have no idea what might allow our heart to sing and how we can best express that. These friends have created not only a culture of dreaming but of dream acceptance.  In our society as a whole we don't encourage dreaming, we encourage practicality.  So I say we start encouraging both--dream, dream big first figure out what makes your heart sing.  THEN once you are all dreamed out start adding steps to achieve it.  

Ask yourself today what are my dreams?  Then ask those close to you and listen with rapt attention.  I believe the biggest gift we can give to someone (including ourselves) is to love and support our dreams!! Dream big and live happier!

Showing Up to the Pain and Grief of Others

It has been a tough few days.  It feels as if everyone around me is dealing with/has received bad news.  Not just bad news, life altering news.  In these moments, it is hard to put out the challenge to live happier because in these moments we are just surviving.  We are just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Pain, grief, tragedy, are all a part of life, but that certainly doesn't mean they are easy to deal with.  These moments require us to dig deeper and keep trucking along.   They also require a period of denial, numbness to allow your brain and emotions to catch up with the reality of the situation. I believe that denial and numbness is the body's way of protecting us from going into shock.  The number of tragedies that occur if we really faced them head on we would all go through a mental break down.

So in the past few days I have been thinking a lot about being there for friends/family who are going through challenging times.  What do we say or do?  We all feel a need to say something. We all have been told the trite annoying platitudes of 'God, doesn't give us more than we can handle' or 'When a door closes a window opens'. These are lovely sayings, and might even be true, but they aren't helpful to someone who has just lost a loved one, or going through a divorce.  They are pithy and dismissive and in time might bring comfort but in the moment of the pain they are more for our comfort to have something to say then providing comfort for our loved one in pain.  I know for me when I have dealt with a tragedy or been in pain it is the people who have just sat with me, who were present with me, and who even admitted" I don't know what to say or do but I am here".  Ah, that wonderful admitting of humanity, is so healing.

I can remember a few years ago, my dad had been admitted into the ICU after nearly dying in the ER.  I had asked my now nearest and dearest to come over because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't know what I wanted or needed but I knew I didn't want to be by myself.  At the time he and I were just friends.  When he arrived he insisted that I eat something I wasn't very hungry but finally decided on a spinach salad (odd choice I know).  As I was talking on the phone with my mom making plans for the next day, I looked up to see him in the kitchen breaking off the stems of each individual spinach leaf, and my heart just melted.  When I asked him what he was doing he said he hated the stems and he thought I might too, and he wanted to make it as yummy as possible.  I know that at the time he had no idea how to comfort me, what to say and the breaking of the spinach stems was probably more to give him something to do while I cried on the phone with my mom then to make my salad better.  But it showed his humanity, his wanting to try to help me and to be present, he just didn't know how to do it. That right there was a comfort to me, knowing someone cared to be present to deal with me when I didn't know how to deal with myself.

As our loved ones, move through the dark periods in life, it is my belief that when we regularly show up, hold the space (even if it is silence) and show our humanity we are the most helpful to those in pain.  We need to fight the urge to soothe with words (and it is a STRONG urge) and sayings.  We need to remind ourselves that there is no perfect answer or words to heal the pain.  Pain takes time and the best way to help is to be ourselves, be present to the fact that grief and sadness take time and admit our humanity as we try to help.  What do you think?  What has helped you in moving through grief/sadness?

Celebrating Our Small Successes

I am a big fan of celebrations.  We do a good job in our culture of celebrating the big things weddings, graduations, and births.  Many of us do a good job of celebrating other people's success a new job, a promotion, or a new house.  In my opinion, we don't do a good job of celebrating our own little successes.  It might sound silly, but we don't celebrate the days when we don't feel like getting out of bed and not only do we rise from the warm comfy covers we also manage to make breakfast for the kids and put a smile on our face while doing it.  We don't celebrate the days when we really kick butt in a staff meeting and come up with an ingenious idea. Or the days when we are really present for a friend and know just the right thing to say in their time of need. Or even making the phone call you are totally dreading and finally getting the nerve to just do it.  Nope, we let these things just float right on by with minimal acknowledgment.  I bet we can easily share what we haven't done right this week.  We can whip out the hammer on demand, or without even knowing it.  But the little celebrations the small victories we totally miss.  So today and over the weekend I want us to start paying attention to our little victories and then as an inspiration please share them in the comments section.  I will start with my victory:

For my regular readers, you know I have been learning how to swim.  It hasn't been easy, but I have added swimming to my weekly workout and even taking lessons.  As with most things I am amazed at how something can look so easy and have such a depth and complexity to it.  Among other things, I have been working on my endurance.  My swim instructor gave me a work out to do a few months ago the one thing I hadn't been able to do on said work out was to do 3x150's.  For those of you who don't know swimming, that means swimming 150 meters (6 lengths of the pool) resting and then repeating two more times.   It's hard for me and it is something I haven't been able to do both physically and mentally.  Lately it has been mostly mental just telling myself I can't do it and then freaking out half way through.  So this week after a little encouragement from my swim instructor I decided to try it again.  And I DID IT!!  I TOTALLY KICKED BUTT!  I did it and I wasn't tired, I wasn't exhausted, I didn't psych myself out I just swam 6 lengths, 3 laps 3 times!!  And when I finished I celebrated!!!  I breathlessly shared it with my swim instructor who also celebrated with me. And then I shared it with everyone I knew (most who didn't really get it but were excited for me anyway).

The point is these days we so rarely have things to celebrate we get bogged down in chores, work, and life that we miss the chance to celebrate our wins.  I admit I felt a little silly sharing such a small thing (or what I thought might be small to other people) and then I reminded myself I hard I have worked for this, how much I wanted it, so yes swimming 3 laps 3 times might be pithy in comparison to winning the noble prize of changing someone's life.  But for me it was a victory and one that I wanted to celebrate.  Because the more we celebrate the little victories the more energy and enthusiasm we will have to tackle the big ones!!

What have been your little (or big) victories of the past few weeks?!?  Please share below so we can all celebrate and see how magical these success can be!

Witty Banter: Helpful or Hurtful?

After yesterday's post on Be Kind, I was talking with a friend of mine about the line between joking and hurting.   I am someone who loves to banter, I enjoy joking around, being playful, using the occasional sarcasm. One of my favorite parts about my close relationships is the joking around, having inside jokes and playful reminders that it is good to laugh at myself.  Bantering reminds me not to take myself too seriously.  Whenever any of the people close to me joke with me there is an undercurrent, of love, of really 'knowing' me, and supporting me through my inconsistencies and humanity.  There is a fine line between bantering with someone and putting them down in the form of a joke.  A friend of mine calls it 'kidding on the level' when someone says something and laughs as if they were joking but there is a level of seriousness underneath.

When the undercurrent of our playfulness with someone is to cause pain, vent anger, 'get them back', or hurt them on any level we need to re-evaluate.  That is not being kind.  I believe, sometimes we use 'humor' as a way of expressing our hurt or frustration with someone.  What we might think as being playful is really down right stinging.  Unfortunately, I think it has become a way of life for many couples, families, relationships in our culture.  Rather then having REAL conversations about REAL subjects (thoughts, feelings, needs) we use sarcasm as a way to express or frustrations, vent our anger or just punish them.  We are moving at record speed these days and often times our feelings get pushed aside because of bad timing and/or rushed schedules. It is important to remember that our words have power and we need to pay attention to the messages underneath.

So in the theme of Be Kind, I want us to start building awareness around our 'witty banter'.  The next time you are joking around with someone pay attention to how you are feeling, is it bringing up feelings of joy and laughter, a 'knowing' of how close you are or is it feeling hostile and resentful?  If it is more on the hostile side, maybe it is time to have a discussion about what might be going on underneath.  If you are feeling resentment towards that person maybe it is time to have some curiosity around the source of that resentment.  What might you REALLY be joking about?

If your banter brings you feelings of joy and closeness--then rock on!  Enjoy that relationship and treasure it.  Those relationships are a special gift to our lives and we need to bless each and every one of them!!

Be Kind

Today I am going to start a movement.  It is a movement of two words;  Be Kind.  Kindness is a lost art.  Just being kind. Being gentle, supportive, understanding, kind.  I recognize in today's world of recessions, mine explosions, war, and uncertainty there is a lot of frustration, exhaustion, anxiety and panic.  But in my opinion, kindness is not hard.  Kindness is something we can muster even if we have had a bad day, a bad year, a bad decade.  Even if we are unemployed, sick with grief, feeling ill, and living alone, we can still be kind.  So today I ask you to pay attention to how you interact with those around you. The people you don't really know: The driver who cuts you off, the woman walking her dog, the guy in line ahead of you at the grocery store. And the people you do know, your nearest and dearest, your children, your parents, your friends.  Pay attention to how you think about these people, is it with disdain, fear, joy, kindness?  Are you able to be kind to them?  Would they say you are kind to them?

When I look at the world it could use a little more kindness.  Sometimes as we get so wrapped up in our 'to dos', our one-upping and our litany of stuff that honestly doesn't really matter, we forget the power of a little kindness.  The power of a smile or a hello, an inside joke, a quick hug, a knowing laugh.  Helping your partner pick up the toy room at the end of the day, telling your child how wonderful they are and how much they mean to you, greeting your neighbors with more than a cursory nod.

Today I challenge you to simply be kind.  Let's start a Kindness Movement.

Room to be Human

The other morning my nearest and dearest and I were chatting for my dog.  You know, how you give your dog a voice, and have a full on conversation with them putting in what you assume they would be thinking.  After we both cracked ourselves up with our witty conversation tactic (and I am sure Mocha too, although she just couldn't express it). We started talking about dogs and children and how we are so much more likely to give them a break using the excuse--well he can't do that he's just a dog or she wouldn't understand that she's just a child.  But with adults we don't cut each other that slack.  We assume we all can read each other's minds, get every emotion dead on and just generally be perfect.  We don't give each other the depth and freedom to just be human.  I have talked about his before a few times in Loving Them Anyway.  But for me this was a refreshingly different way of looking at that topic.

You might argue, that dogs and children DON'T know better. Let's face it they are simpler beings.  I would agree--they are less in touch then we are as adults.  However being an adult doesn't mean you are suddenly blessed with the ability to know all, to understand exactly what your partner or friends need at exactly the right time.  Being an adult doesn't mean even if we understand then need that we can fulfill them for someone all the time.

Sadly, the difference between being an adult and being a child/animal is the innocence factor.  In general, adults have more power to hurt us, to break our trust or take advantage of us.  While animals and children full us with unconditional love and innocence, adults have learned the pain and vulnerability that comes from being hurt or damaged.  With adults, there is a 'fear factor'.   I believe the reason we struggle with giving other adults a break is not because they should know better but because they have the potential to hurt us more. We believe children, and animals are innocent and loving unconditionally.  We don't feel they will hurt us or intentionally take advantage of us.  But with adults, we feel we might get taken advantage of, we can't fully trust their intentions, because they might hurt us.  Therefore, we don't give them a break, we don't give them the breadth to be themselves, to be human.

I believe that frequently when we don't give someone a break or allow them to mess up without a major punishment it is because of our own fear of hurt.   I admit while I might scold Mocha for doing something wrong, I don't hold a grudge. I don't punish her all day or for the next week (honestly I have trouble punishing her for a minute).  But with an adult, I might be more likely to 'punish' the 'negative behavior'.  Because I am afraid, afraid that I will get hurt, look stupid, be a push over, be taken advantage of, etc.

So the next time you are disappointed in someone or frustrated by someone take a closer look to see where that frustration comes from.   Are you punishing them unnecessarily? Are you holding a grudge to protect yourself from the vulnerability or risk of intimacy?  Could you spin the story to be maybe they didn't know better, maybe they are doing the best they can, maybe I can give them room to be human?

Living Happier Is....

In looking through my recent posts I noticed, lately I have written a lot of posts on pausing and savoring the moment. One of my challenges with writing this blog is that I fear I am sending more 'you aren't enough' messages out into the world.  So today for my own clarification I wanted to do one more post on the power of recognizing we are enough.

On my wall in my bedroom I have 2 posters both from Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  One is entitled The Dance and the other is entitled The Invitation.  Today as I was getting ready I took a pause to read them. I have probably read these 100 times and every time they take my breath away.    I wanted to share the lines I find most humbling and powerful.

What if there is no need to change, to transform yourself into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving or wise?  How would this affect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better? 


What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature--gentle, compassionate, and capable of living fully and passionately present? 


What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

Prelude to the Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

These words remind me, I am enough. I can step off the ferris wheel and pause.   In order to live happier we have to embrace who we are and where we are.  The concept of living happier is not that 'one day' when I figure it all out I will be happier.  One day when the house is consistently clean, when I  am better at time management, when I am 15lbs skinnier, THEN I will be happy.

It is my belief that in order to live happier we need to let go of the striving to be better/different/more.  We need to learn how to be with ourselves, with other people in the sorrows and joys of life.  Here's to Living Happier!!

A Spin Free Day

Today I have declared it a spin free day.  Spinning.  You know the concept, when your brain just gets a hold of something and you can't let it go.  It is curiosity gone amuck.  As a mentor of mine use to call it (pardon the bluntness) it is  'mental masturbation'.  That phrase really says it best because the concept of spinning, in a way, feels good. It is a mindless activity that allows us to THINK we are making change, getting to the root of the issue, making a difference. Really all we are doing is spinning our wheels, going round and round on a subject and getting no where. Spinning is when you can spend hours or even all day on one conversation, one comment, one event and just beat it to death.

I am an over analyzer and spinning is something I engage in when I get overwhelmed and overly anxious.  It is my go to place when I need to take a break.  When my spinning gets out of control and I become aware that I am getting no where fast  I declare it a spin free day.  Today is that day.  I admit I have spent the past few days just spinning, just analyzing and debating and riding the ferris wheel in my brain, making new progress

We all do this (those of us attracted to the self-help industry, tend to do it more than your average bear) but we all engage in some activity of spinning.  For those of us who have read a lot of self help books we know the beauty of curiosity and awareness. We know that true change comes from awareness and self questioning.  But there is a fine line between self questioning and analyzing just to be analyzing.  Sometimes we just need to BE, sometimes there is no answer, there is no deep rooted meaning behind our feelings they are just feelings.  Sometimes we just need to allow whatever comes up to come up without digging deeper.  For those of us who analyze without even thinking about it, this can be challenging.  Thus why I have declared today a spin free day!  Today we are just going to BE.  We are going to Enjoy the Pause.

Don't get me wrong--I think analyzing is helpful and a key to living happier.  And I think we need a balance, from time to time, we need to let go and live our lives without looking for a deeper need, or meaning.  So if you too have noticed you have gotten a little heavy on the self-analyzation. Join me on my No Spin Day and let me know how it feels!

Checking for Weeds

I am so excited that springtime is finally here!!  I MIGHT be a little premature-we might get another snow (I certainly hope not) but the trees are blooming, the grass is growing and people are filling the parks and sidewalks.  My yard is filled with a variety of blooming grasses, flowers and of course those pesky weeds.  I am amazed how fast the weeds grow and each year I forget how determined they are to make a stand in my flower beds. Even though I try to monitor my garden regularly for weeds it feels like they grow at record speeds. 

In the same way, I was thinking how easy it is for weeds to make there way into our lives.  These 'life weeds' include draining relationships, negative friendships, unhealthy patterns/habits, and old thoughts.  Life weeds are activities or people that no longer serve us and if we are not vigilante and aware, they can creep back into our lives like a dandelion in the middle of a flower garden. 

I am constantly amazed how easy it is for these weeds to occur! It is always helpful to have an awareness around how we act/re-act when our life garden gets choked up with weeds. Maybe our go-to pattern is to start eating too much or drinking too much when we feel overwhelmed by life.  Or maybe we withdraw or go on the attack more when our life is filling up with weeds.  When we have these behavior markers and reminders we can look at our 'acting out' as a blessing that maybe it is our bodies way of telling us we need to do some weeding.

It is necessary to keep looking at our lives and see if we need to do some weeding.  Do we need to pluck out some people that sap our energy with their drama (globbers) or remove an activity that we might have found rewarding at one point but now is just draining? 

We need to do some regular weeding to make sure our lives are filled with people, activites and events that feed us. So when we look at our life garden it is filled with vibrant color and not weeds!  Regular weeding is a part of living happier.