Live Happier QA: Staying in the Present Moment

Live Happier QA is back!!  I took a few months off--but I had so many good questions that needed to be answered so here we go!! Today's Live Happier QA is from Marie and she asks;

"Everyone I read, including you, says to be happier I need to stay in the present moment but how do I sustain being there? "

Present moment awareness is an amazing gift and very challenging to sustain!! Check out my answer to Marie below.

Do you have anything you would add about your journey with present moment awareness? Is it something you struggle with?  Are there any practices you have implemented that help you?  Please join the discussion below.

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email. For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page here. Do you have a question about Living Happier?   Have a question you are curious about? Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general! Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below! [wufoo username="nancyjanesmith" formhash="m7x3q1" autoresize="true" height="517" header="show"]

Anger Can Change the World--not how you think...

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions.  People tend to have 2 reactions to anger. Stuff it or take it out on someone else.  Both are inappropriate.

Stuff it: I remember a client from a few years ago.  She just found out her husband had cheated on her and she came into deal with it.  After she told me the story, filled with sacrifices she had made and a number of ways he had treated her poorly, I asked, how she felt hearing the story. And she replied, "I am just hurt."  "Hurt, I said, that is totally understandable." "I for one am pretty angry" and she looked at me completely startled "Angry?" she asked. And I said "yes, in hearing this story I am angry at your husband for treating you this way" She immediately started crying and in a small meek voice said "me too, I am just not comfortable saying it".  We spent a large chunk of our time together helping her learn how to feel and express anger in a healthy way.  Learning how to find her voice.  Speak up for herself. Recognize what anger felt like and how to share it in healthy productive ways.

Share it: Or maybe you are ok with your anger.  A former client of mine was very comfortable with her anger. She would yell at her kids, belittle her husband and basically tell anyone she knew how she was feeling about them. She didn't enjoy expressing herself in this way but she had vowed to herself after watching her mother be so meek and mild to her father that she wasn't going to walk through life without expressing herself.  She and I spent much of our time together working on healthy ways to express her anger.  Her work was spent on figuring out what was at the root of her anger. Frequently what we THINK we are angry about is merely a trigger to what is happening in the present moment.  We might be yelling at our child for missing the bus but really we are frustrated because by them missing the bus we are feeling like less of a parent.  There are a number of inappropriate ways of expressing anger:  Passive aggressive, talking behind someone's back, yelling at someone, hitting someone, or belittling someone.

How to deal with anger in a productive way.

Express it.  If you are filled with rage let it out.  Throw dishes, throw eggs, hit a pillow, scream at the sky, write a nasty letter, turn up the music and dance your ass off. Do something physical that is not directed toward another person to release it from your body.

Share it calmly.  Share it with a friend, partner or loved one.  This can help you get to the cause of the anger, the source.  It is important to do this after you have expressed it.  If during the conversation you realize that you are taking the anger out on the person you are talking to--repeat step 1.

Take steps to heal it.  If it is an unexpressed need, express the need and work toward getting it filled. If it is an injustice, share the injustice and work to resolve it.  If it is a shame trigger, work to heal your past.  Take productive action.

Anger doesn't need to be feared.  Anger is a healthy, normal, part of life.  Anger shows us when we are feeling wronged and when we express it productively we can change ourselves and the world.

Ebb and Flow

Sunday I watched one of my favorite programs Super Soul Sunday on OWN--if you haven't been watching this program I HIGHLY recommend it.  Sunday's guest was Panache Desai and he had a number of wonderful things to say.  The one that made me go 'hmm' was the concept that we are all flowing energy and the real way to achieve peace is to embrace where you are in the flow.

We all have natural cycles and rhythms of ups and downs. Good days and bad days.  Days we are über productive and days we are lucky to have gotten out of bed. When we FORCE ourselves out of the down energies or make ourselves enter a different energy before we are ready, we are not in touch with our natural cycle and the ride gets bumpier.

I have introduced a concept like this with some of my clients and frequently it is met with resistance.

"If I don't force myself to do something, it won't get done."

"If I allow myself to feel sad I won't ever get out of it."

"If I feel the pain it will swallow me whole."

All of these are normal, understandable thoughts AND not always valid.  I guarantee if you loosen the reins a bit you will notice that there are days that you get more done than others.  There are weeks when you are super on top of things and weeks when you aren't.  I have definitely noticed this in my own work.  When I just trust myself on the days that I am 'not feeling it' and just allow myself to be in that space I move out of it so much faster (and without all the monger talk).  It is when I don't feel like doing a certain task and then my monger beats me into submission that I get into more trouble.  Frequently when I am doing a task because I am beaten into submission my performance isn't as high and my enjoyment definitely isn't as great.  I can check the task off my list but it was usually painful to complete and I am not proud of the finished product.

When I accept myself completely during those days  (or even weeks) that I am not feeling as productive. When I give myself permission to just do the bare minimum I feel better.  I feel less restrained and less beaten down. And you know what?  I ALWAYS cycle to the other side. I always get things done, pick myself up, and accomplish what I need to.  In fact, when I fully experience the   'down' cycle I am more inspired, refreshed and excited during the up cycle.

I see it in my clients too. When they start embracing where they are in the flow rather than forcing themselves out of it, they feel better, they get more done and their overall life is better.

What about you?  Do you notice an ebb and flow to your life?  Are there times when you are more productive than others?

An Open Letter to Self Development Junkies.

Hello My Dear,

My love.  I know you. I can so relate to you. The hunger for more books, more articles, more resources that will tell you how to be better, kinder, gentler, happier.  I know the joy from thinking this resources, this tip, this idea will be the answer, I know the exhaustion that comes from always wanting to be better, to figure it out, to really KNOW yourself.

I know you believe if only you:

• had more gratitude
• did more meditation
• ate healthier
• worked out more
• journaled more
• self reflected more
• read more
• had more awareness
• just read the right book, 
• took the right class you would achieve enlightenment...you would be ok.

Well here's the truth.  All that 'more' won't help.  Yes, gratitude is wonderful, so is meditation and all the things listed above do help us live happier.  Self development exercises are there to help us feel better--not pile on more 'shoulds' or 'if-onlys'.  Self development exercises are there to relax us, get us back in touch with our selves, our lives and enable us to make empowered decisions.  They are not there to make us feel less than, belittled or shamed.  They are not there to make us feel like failures or losers.

When self development exercises become a way that we beat ourselves up or belittle ourselves we are in trouble.  Frequently what happens is we have turned our 'I'll be happy when'  into the quest for the perfect self.  The perfect self quest is no better than questing for the perfect job, perfect mate or perfect house.  Perfect doesn't exist.  In fact, you are wonderful just the way you are: imperfect, flawed, questing, trying and being you.

So today I ask you to stop questing.  Stop focusing on all the things you SHOULD be doing to be a better person.  Today I ask you to Just Be You.  Just be yourself.  And by being yourself being true to yourself, listening to your inner wisdom, you will be living happier.

Just be you.

As a friend of mine said, "Today I am going to just hold the space for me."

Love,

Nancy Jane Smith, A Recovering Self Development Junkie

The Practice of Immediate Gratitude

A big part of my work is helping people deal with fear, anxiety and limiting beliefs.  One of the main things that keeps us from living happier is the mongers in our own heads.  Last week, I talked about meeting your mongers and the practice of building awareness around our inner voices like Scared Sally and Perfect Patty.

Today I want to talk about an easy practice you can implement to help shift the mongers in your life.

Here is a common scenario in my world (because I am usually running 5-10 minutes late):

I am in the car headed to meet my friend, Erin. I notice I am late (even though I swore I wouldn't be THIS time).  I call Erin to tell her I am running a little behind.   Then the mongers kick in:  "You are ALWAYS late, why can't you just get your stuff together, what is your problem that you can't get out the door on time, you are pathetic". "Erin is going to think you are so irresponsible, she is stuck at the restaurant alone, it is so inconsiderate..." And before I know it I am dreading the meeting and feeling miserable. Belittling Betty has struck again.  

When you notice Belittling Betty or any other fear monger the first thing to do is change the message.  Flip the chorus of negativity.  Our mongers tends to put us into a trance. They lull us into submission and so simply being aware of them doesn't shift it.   We may be aware she is talking but because the message is so emotionally charged it is hard to change the message she is sending.  In order to shift the monger, we have to break the trance.  One way to break the trance is to practice Immediate Gratitude.

When I hear Belittling Betty talking I immediately I shift my mind to naming things out loud I am grateful for in the moment.  Things I am aware of through my senses.  Things I can feel, see, touch and taste.  Things in the present moment and I say them out loud to myself.

I am grateful right now for:

• the warmth of my car
• the sunshine on my face
• my breath
• being able to drive.

The key to this exercise is to name things that are happening right then, in the moment.   Not just a list of all the things in your life you are grateful for but items you can actually experience in the moment.

This Immediate Gratitude pulls me out of the trance that Belittling Betty and allows me to come back into the present moment.  It is then from a place of gratitude I can kindly ask Belittling Betty to move on.  I can kindly remind myself that Erin will be fine for a few minutes.  I can kindly share that it is better to arrive in one piece and happy then in an accident or miserable.

By breaking the trance we can begin to lessen the power of the mongers and start to Live Happier.

What does Love look like to You?

Today on this Day of Love--I thought I would ask the question what does love look like to you?  The video above is SoulPancake's take on the concept.  If you are viewing this via email you can watch the video here.

Regardless of your feelings about Valentine's Day--this will make you smile.

To me Love is:

• Listening to someone as they ramble, cry, and vent all over the place.
• Doing the chores no one wants to do. (taking out the trash, cleaning the dog poop from the back yard)
• The little things, making someone lunch, holding their hand while watching TV, making them smile.
• Watching someone laugh.
• Supporting someone as the challenge themselves to do bigger things.
• Letting someone grow. 
• Knowing you are right where you need to be. 
• Everywhere we just need to look for it.  

 Here's to Love.

What about you?  What does love look like to you?


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Today is the last day!!!  In honor of my 40th Birthday, I am offering my So, What Comes Next Course at a discount.  You can buy it now through Tomorrow February 14 for only $40 (regularly priced at $97).  Celebrate my birthday and figure out what comes next in your life!!!

Meeting Your Mongers.

One thing I am constantly working with clients on is building awareness.  Building awareness means you are creating consciousness around what you are thinking, feeling and needing.  So much of our lives is spent unconsciously allowing our fears, shame and doubt to plague us unnecessarily.

Here is a scenario:

You wake up feeling pretty good, get showered, wake the kids up and the day is humming along smoothly.  Then your youngest tells you that he is in charge of bringing a treat for the Valentine's Day celebration at school. No worries you think, I can easily pick something up at the store. And then he says, "And I really want you to make my favorite sugar cookies because I want to share them in class."   Immediately you mood shifts.  It is so subtle you might not even be aware of it.  But suddenly things have moved from smooth sailing to a very bumpy ride.  Your stomach hurts, your chest gets tight and before you know it you are cycling down the hole of shame.  

Logically you know you aren't a terrible mother because this one time your youngest might be disappointed.  Logically, you know there are many ways to solve this problem where he would be less disappointed. Logically you know cookies do not make a MOM.  But logic is pointless because emotionally you think "I am a terrible mother" I take on to much" I can't even be there for my kids" blah, blah, blah.  Welcome to Perfect Patty.

Or this one:

You walk into work feeling good. Your current project has been a little bumpy but you feel on top of things now and know all will be well.  As you pass your bosses office, he calls you in.  A little nervous you sit down as he explains to you that there is going to be a project meeting that morning and you are responsible for leading it.  The point of the meeting is to give a progress report on your project and help explain why it had been bumpy and where it is headed.  You smile confidently and walk out of the office.  As you walk down the hall you feel your neck tense, you have a pain in the pit of your stomach and you immediately start freaking out.  

Logically, you know you can do this presentation. Yes, there were bumps but they are all explainable and all have been dealt with.  Logically, you know that no one really cares as long as the project keeps moving along and you are hit the deadline.  But logic is pointless because emotionally you think "I am a terrible project manager" I am going to suck at this presentation, they are gong to nail me to the wall and I am going to get fired right on the spot" "I should never have gotten out of bed this morning.  Welcome to Scared Sally.

Perfect Patty and Scared Sally are just 2 examples of the mongers that plague us every day.  They are the illogical parts our ourselves the emotional, shame based parts that consistently spread their message of fear, perfectionism, and shame. The way Perfect Patty and Scared Sally win is that we don't have awareness that they are playing there.  They spin out of control, unconsciously playing there  over and over until we are so beaten down we don't know what to do about them.

So the trick is to build awareness by asking yourself these 3 questions:

1. What does it feel like physically when my monger shows up? (eg. tightness in the chest, upset stomach,  headache)
2. What does my monger tend to talk about--what are his/her themes? (e.g. perfectionism, fear, shame)
3. How would I describe my monger? What does it look like? Talk like? What would I name him/her?

As you start to build awareness of your monger.  You can recognize more easily when he/she shows up.   In both of the scenarios above, you were fine, you were having a great day and then something negative happened that triggered shame, doubt or fear (all normal emotions) and then your monger went to town.  That is the pivotal moment, the moment between the trigger and when the monger appears and start yapping.  The quicker you can narrow that time between the trigger and the mongers yapping the easier it is to move past your monger.

This is the very beginning stages of facing your mongers.  It is also the most important.  Building awareness around your monger will allow you to start to take back control of your thoughts, feelings and needs.

You can check out these posts for more information about mongers.

Dealing with Negative Voices Part 1:  Building Awareness
Dealing with Negative Voices Part 2: Welcoming


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Want to add some Living Happier to your life? In honor of my 40th Birthday, I am offering my So, What Comes Next Course at a discount.  You can buy it now through Tomorrow February 14 for only $40 (regularly priced at $97).  Celebrate my birthday and figure out what comes next in your life!!!

A New Take on Valentine's Day

This is the week of Valentine's Day.  This holiday always brings with it a feeling of ugh.  Maybe it stems from my days of being single and no matter how hard I tried I would feel left out and alone on Valentine's day. Now that I am married, I realize life is not Jared and Hallmark commercials consisting of one bold, giant expression of love on Valentine's Day but rather a life time of it.  A lifetime of daily romantic gestures rather than the bold showiness of it all.  Regardless of where you are relationship or not there seems to be a let down built around the romantic notion of this holiday.

I thought this quote summed it up well.

"Valentine's Day is just a capitalist scam, designed to make people currently in a relationship spend unnecessary money in a fruitless attempt to ensure undying love and devotion. For those of us not in a relationship, Valentine's Day is simply added pressure to identify ourselves within the context of a romantic relationship, whipping us into a frenzy that only the presence of our soul mates can relieve."

 --Heather Hepler

On the other hand to have a holiday devoted entirely to love is simply amazing.  To have a holiday celebrating the people in our lives who are there for us no matter what, who show up when we need them most, that is impressive.

This year regardless of your romantical status let's just celebrate the concept of LOVE.  Let's celebrate those we love, our partner, parents, friends, children, pets, ourselves and anyone or anything in-between.

• Let's take some time to really enjoy a day of letting those closest to us know that we love them.  
• Reach out to friends you haven't talked to in awhile to say 'hey'.  
• Pamper yourself with a long walk, a nice dinner and a hot bath.  
• Call someone who changed your life and thank them. 
• Do little things throughout the day to demonstrate your love to those closest to you. 

Let go of the expectations of flowers, cards, candles and diamonds.  Forget the concept that you are worthless if you aren't in a TV worthy relationships.  Dismiss the idea that true love happens when someone give you the biggest diamond they can afford.

Truth is love is messy.  Love is challenging, growth inducing and amazingly empowering.  Love can change your life.  So this Valentines Day let's let go of the commercial expectations--let's celebrate love in all of its forms.  Who's with me??

A True Confession: I am not Perpetually Happy

Recently when I have shared with people that I am struggling, having a bad day or feeling overwhelmed I have received the response "What?!?! But, you are the Live Happier Girl!  I thought you were always happy?!?"  I don't know when or why this happened but somewhere along the way people started believing because I help people Live Happier I am always happy.  So today I wanted to dispel the Live Happier stigma that I have been carrying for far too long.

True confession, I am not always happy. I try every day to Live Happier.  But there are days even weeks, where it feels like everything goes wrong, when my nearest and dearest and I aren't quite clicking, when I am overcome with grief, when I just want to crawl in bed and stay there, when my fear mongers take over what seems like permanent residence in my head (they are here now as I type this true confession).   Living Happier is a concept I have implemented into my life; it is a way of viewing the world from empowerment rather than victim.  It is something I do each and every day.  It is something I know works, I see it in my clients and myself.

So, I quietly tell my mongers, thanks for the message but no thanks and I continue typing. Because the idea of living in perpetual happiness, I believe, is a myth and a discouraging one at that.  But Living Happier, embracing the messiness of life and figuring out ways to greet it and yourself with compassion and trust is possible, and will make you happier.

This blog is here to give you tips, tricks and stories that I have found helpful on my own Live Happier Journey.  Each day I try to Live Happier.  And on those days when grief and negativity take over I try to implement all the stuff I talk about here: I cry. I journal. I practice gratitude. I dance. I talk with close friends. I workout. I pray. I meditate. I give myself lots of compassion and acceptance. I build curiosity and awareness around what is going on.  And that is Living Happier.  It doesn't mean that I am perpetually blissed out.  It doesn't mean I never feel pain.  In fact, when I try to constantly be positive, not allow myself the ebbs and flows of life, and tell myself how I SHOULD feel--I am Living Miserably (just ask my nearest and dearest).

Living Happier is a process.  A fabulous, messy, dynamic process.  Today I am screaming it from the rooftops--"Hell yeah, I am the Live Happier Girl and I am not perpetually happy and I love my messy, full life."

Here's to Living Happier!!

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Want to add some Living Happier to your life? In honor of my 40th Birthday, I am offering my So, What Comes Next Course at a discount.  You can buy it now through February 14 for only $40 (regularly priced at $97).  Celebrate my birthday and figure out what comes next in your life!!!

Speak Up Even if Your Voice Is Shaking

Saturday morning is a time when I work with clients.  It works for them, it works for me, I actually really enjoy seeing clients on Saturday mornings.

Recently, I saw a client on Saturday morning and at the end of the session I said to her,

 "So do you want to book at this time for next Saturday?" 

and she quickly responded with,

"This time is great, but I just feel so bad making you come in on a Saturday." 

To which I quickly said,

"I work on Saturday mornings, so whether you are here or not I am still working."

Ironically we had just been working on setting healthy boundaries and feeling the need to take care of everyone else's needs before her own.  So I reminder her,

"You know, I am a grown woman with my own business and I am setting my hours that I want to work, you don't need to take care of me too, I got that."  

To which she smiled and laughed and said, "Ah, I did it again."

 I love those teaching moments that come up right in the middle of session.  Healthy boundaries and over caretaking  a hard life lesson.

Many of us learned as children the rules of a 'good person'.

A good person:

• Is kind to others.
• Remembers other people's needs.
• Isn't selfish.

These lessons in and of themselves aren't evil or bad.  It is a positive idea to think of other people's needs, be kind and try not to be selfish. The problem is that we have taken these guidelines and made them extreme.

We have morphed them into:

A 'good person':

• Asks for very little, and has a hard time asking when they do.
• Puts others first to the detriment of their own needs.
• Stays small and out of the way.

So we have taken the desire to be kind and generous to other people and forgot to apply that generosity to ourselves.   I want to remind you that your needs matter.  Your thoughts, hope, dreams, desires are important.  It is ok to ask.  It is ok to be uncomfortable with asking.  It is ok to let someone else struggle so they can meet your needs (they may even enjoy being able to help out). You don't have to bend like Gumby to make sure everyone around you is happy.

Pay attention to how often you swallow a need, don't ask for what you want or are afraid of making someone mad or upset so you don't mention the tough stuff. Pay attention to how often you have conversations like the one my client and I had where you are trying to caretake for someone who doesn't really need to be taken care of.  I admit, when I pay attention I find myself doing it, and I have to ask...what's going on here...is it your job to be caretaking right now?

Pay attention. Have some curiosity and then speak up even if your voice is shaking.

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In honor of my Birthday I am offering my So, What Comes Next Course at a discount.  You can buy it now through February 14 for only $40 (regularly priced at $97).  Celebrate my birthday and figure out what comes next in your life!!!

Turning 40

Today I am turning 40.  I am waxing a little philosophical to day, bear with me.  When I turned 35 I threw myself a big party 100 of my closest friends, we danced, we ate, we drank, we celebrated.  I was showing the world that I was ok, I was fun and I wanted to celebrate with everyone I knew.

40 feels much different. 40 feels intimate and quiet.  I decided a few weeks ago I would have a number of small celebrations with my closest friends to ring in 40. It has been fabulous to share with those closest to me the start of a new decade.  Birthdays bring such mixed emotions, such pressure to be and feel a certain way.  

If you google turning 40 the results are quite depressing.  Lots of people have lots of thoughts on 40, many of them not good.  My friends who are in their 40s share how wonderful they feel turning 40 how free and inspiring their 40s have been.  I am excited to see what 40 brings for me.  So far, 40 has brought a sense of contemplation, and a sense of gratitude.  

Today as I turn another year older I want to simply say Thank you.

Thank you to you my readers who allow me to share my beliefs on Living Happier who engage in conversations with me via comments, emails and social media.  Who try each day to live happier lives and make the world a better place.

To my friends who have become my family. Who over the years reflect to me who I am, support me when I need it and challenge me to be the best me possible.

To my family who have blessed me with love and a guidance from day one. They are my biggest fans and always, always have my back--there is something so wonderfully amazing about that.

To my nearest and dearest, 5 year ago I didn't think I would ever find a nearest and dearest and I was OK with that. (maybe not REALLY ok with that but getting there) And now I have a true partner who has taught me the power of unconditional love and support. Who allows me to be vulnerable and strong all at the same time. 

To life in general, you are a spicy, crazy ride.  Thank you for being such a great adventure.  Thank you for teaching me each and every day to have gratitude and live happier. 

How do you celebrate birthdays?  What are your thoughts on the decadinal (yep, I made up that word, and I love it) birthdays?  Are they different? Is there a birthday that was a struggle for you?

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In honor of my Birthday I am offering my So, What Comes Next Course at a discount.  You can buy it now through February 14 for only $40 (regularly priced at $97).  Celebrate my birthday and figure out what comes next in your life!!!