It's the Holiday Season: Expectations of Perfection

I decided to take some time off from writing last week to enjoy the holiday with my family.  It was a nice weekend filled with new and old traditions.  I hope your holiday weekend was relaxing and enjoyable.

Yesterday, as I was decorating the front of my house with lights and pine garland (a new tradition) I was thinking about the holiday season.  It is a time filed with traditions, events, gatherings, etc.  In other words, my friend, it is a time that can be loaded with expectations of perfection.  It is a time when the bar is set high: when the cookies have to be perfect, the parties have to be merry and the gifts have to be meaningful.  I admit over the past few years I have become more cynical about my holidays.  I use to be a big holiday girl.  I was little Ms. Christmas.  I knew all the traditions and made sure my family completed each one to perfection.  Then that got old--it is exhausting to constantly be trying to hit the expectation, trying to make each year better than the last: more merry, more joyful, more special.   So I admit I became a tiny bit of Ms. Scrooge.  I still pretended I was a big Christmas fan but inside I was tired, tired of the traditions, tired of the 'shoulds', tired of running from party to party, tired of finding the perfect gift just tired of forcing merry on to myself.

So then I had a brainstorm--what if I just enjoyed the holiday?  What if I didn't worry about all the expectations and traditions?  What if I just engaged in the activities/parties/events/people with whom  I really wanted to spend my holidays?  What if I stopped running around and simply enjoyed the holiday? This small shift it has made a tremendous difference in my holiday world view.  So this holiday season I am challenging you to simplify, simplify, simplify.  As the saying goes: Remember the reason for the season.  Whether the holidays are religious or secular for you, I think we can all agree a reason for this season is to remind ourselves of the simplicity in peace and joy.  It isn't about finding the perfect gift, wearing the perfect outfit or throwing a perfect tradition filled party.  It is about celebrating a time when the world is a little more joyful, when lights are a glow, hot cocoa is savored and family and friends gather.  It is about being in the holiday and experiencing the many joys it has to offer.

So this year I challenge you to let go of your expectations and your tradition perfection.  View the holiday season with new eyes.  Eyes of simplicity.  Recognize you have choices in how you want to spend your holiday season: whether that be running from party to party or enjoying a hot toddy next to the tree.  Simplify and enjoy.  May this Holiday Season bring you a wonderful mixture of peace and joy.

Giving Thanks.

This post originally appeared in my newsletter a couple of years ago--I thought it was worth repeating here.  I hope you and those close to you have a wonderful relaxing Thanksgiving Holiday.  Peace.

I have found that people tend to have specific opinions about the Thanksgiving Holiday--there seems to be two schools of thought. One group views it as a simple holiday where the pure purpose is to give thanks.  It is not overwhelmed with commercialism or choosing between secular or religious meanings, (like Christmas) it is just a holiday about giving thanks.  

The second group tends to be those who think Thanksgiving is just a warm-up for the big rush of Christmas.  Just a tester to see how things will go this holiday season--kind of a mini-Christmas.  I must admit I use to be in the second camp.  Christmas was my holiday--the three day extravaganza where my family gathers to bond and celebrate.  So Thanksgiving pallid in comparison.  But now as I have gotten older and have experienced more I tend to be more in the first group.  I have developed more traditions around this holiday and enjoy gathering with my family during the day and then my friends in the evening.  Giving thanks for our many many blessings, for the bullets we have dodged and the bullets we did not and the friends and family who helped us through. 

Which camp do you belong to? What are you thankful for?  What are your blessings? What bullets have you dodged and if you didn't who held your hand through the pain?  This is the point of Thanksgiving--Giving Thanks.  Not the size of the turkey, how much you ate, whether Aunt Edna had too much to drink, or whether you got a good deal at the day after sale events.  

The point of Thanksgiving, is looking back at the year and giving thanks for all that has come your way, all that hasn't and for those who were there for you through joy and pain.  So regardless of your opinion about Thanksgiving take time this year to give some thanks. 

Taking Care of the Little One

In the self help world a lot is written about 'healing the inner child'. The basic theory being that we all have a little boy/girl inside of us who occasionally comes out even when we are adults. The self help world has taken the theory and run with it in a negative light. Rather than being an interesting theory that we can use to grow and change, it has become a method to explain away negative behavior and turned in to a hokey self help concept.  (ok, now stepping down from my soap box)

I am a fan of the basic concept of the inner child.  I do believe that my Little One comes out from time to time, she gets scared and insecure and even throws temper tantrums.  Frequently, this Little One comes out to 'play' when we are triggered by something, a scary event, a family gathering, a death or something that takes us back to our early years. When I notice that I am being overly insecure or scared about an event I will simply put my hands over my heart and say to my Little One 'you know what?  I got this'.  'You don't need to worry about it I am an adult and I can handle this one. Immediately it feels as if I have taken a giant sigh of relief.  It is a good exercise because A. It brings awareness around the fear B. it reminds me that 'hey I am an adult here and I CAN handle this situation C. it quiets the inner insecurities.

Last year, I was working with Jill* who was going through a divorce.  After 20 years of marriage her husband decided he was done and had found someone else. Jill was left with 3 children and no idea who she was or what came next.  Jill and I did a lot of work helping her figure out what she needed and who she was.  As Jill was going through all these changes and making a lot of decisions she never had to make before, her Little One would come out frequently.  She started paying attention to her Little One, noticing when she would come out (usually after a conversation with her ex or when she had to take charge of a situation).  Gradually she started talking to her Little One in a gentle way and as Jill developed her own confidence in her decisions and skills her Little One became less and less powerful.  Jill said to me "I think I have been living most of my life letting Little Jill make the decisions from a place of an 8 year old rather than Adult Jill"  I agreed with her and I think many of us let our Little One (our insecurities, our fears, our anger) control our lives.

The next time you start feeling scared or insecure do a check in with yourself--has your Little One come out to play? Are you viewing the world from the eyes of a 6 year old?  And if the answer is yes, place your hands on your heart and gradually start talking to your Little One--and assuring them all is well---you got this--you are a grown up.   Our Little Ones are there for a reason to help us see that life is scary and we do have insecurities. And it is our role as adults to comfort the Little One and then move through the fear so we can Live Happier.

*names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality

Career Counseling vs. Passion Counseling

Recently, I have been seeing a lot of clients for career counseling. I have a love/hate relationship with career counseling.  On one hand, I am extremely passionate about careers. I started my counseling career doing career counseling and have a very strong passion around it.   I believe finding our passion/purpose and living it is essential to Living Happier.  However, I believe our life is multi-faceted it isn't chopped up into silos it is a huge conglomerate of passions, interests, people, and values.  Career is merely one facet of our lives.

It is my theory based on my years of career counseling that MOST people who have really thought about it know what they their passion/purpose is.  They are just scared.  They might be too scared to say it out loud,  they might be too practical to admit it to themselves, or they might have said it out loud and been told it is a bad idea.  These people get stuck in the syndrome of obsessing what's next rather then thinking how do I get there?

The reason I dislike carer counseling is I wish rather than just looking at career we could look at life as a whole.  I guess, my problem with career counseling is I think it should be called passion counseling--how to have more passion in your life.  Because like I said, life is one huge multi-faceted gift and we have the choice every day to get up and make it what we want.  We have the choice to play with our kids, work in the yard, smile at a co-worker, or laugh with our partner.  We have the choice to live our passions in big and little ways.

Today think about what are your passions, what makes your heart sing, they can be big or little. The key is adding pieces of your passion into your every day life. If I looked at your life and the activities you engage in, could I see what you are passionate about?  Do you express your passions in the relationships you have and the things you do?

Live Happier Tip: Move your Body

Yes, we are back to basics this week for the Live Happier Tip: Move your Body.  Before you freak out about lack of time, no money to join a gym etc.  I am not talking about engaging in a 2 hour daily workout (if you enjoy that and want to do that I say Rock On!-but it's not for everyone) I am just saying move your body (stretch, dance, walk) .  One of the keys to Living Happier is to have some awareness below the neck.  One of the best ways to do that is to move your body.

I am a big fan of exercise in general, it decreases my anxiety, it makes me more aware of my body, it strengthens my muscles and keeps my heart healthy.  But I recognize that not everyone has the time, or the desire to hit the gym or the treadmill every day.  I am all about being rational and practical and working with what you have.  Maybe working out every day is unrealistic but you can still move your body.  You can add little rituals into your day that allow you to increase awareness in your body.  Body awareness allows us to feel when we are stressed, tired, anxious, etc.

Ritual examples include:

• Take 5 minutes to stretch every morning when you get out of bed or before you hop in the shower. 
• Put on some good dance music and dance while you do chores (e.g. cook dinner, do laundry, wash dishes, clean the house)
• Do some simple stretches each time you sit at your desk
• Take a walk around your office building during lunch
• Take a walk around your block after you eat dinner
• Park in the furthest spot possible and walk to the store.
• Take the stairs instead of the elevator
• While you are watching TV do some stretches during the commercials if you are really motivated do sit-ups or push-ups.

Each of these take 5 minutes and are simple ways to add movement into your day.  As you begin to be more aware of your body you become more aware of what your bodies needs.  Maybe your back is tight and you realize you need to stretch more or you need a massage.  Maybe your legs hurt and you realize you need new shoes.  The point is moving our body is good for our health both mentally and physically. So this week add a little body movement into your day and I promise it will help you Live Happier.

If it's so good for me, why doesn't everyone do it?

Last week I did a presentation on Present Moment Awareness. As you all know it is one of my favorite topics because I think it is one of the major keys to Living Happier. I absolutely love speaking and it is even more enjoyable when there is a lot of audience participation, which there was at this event.  One of the ladies asked me "if having awareness is so good for us, why don't more people do it?" what a great question.  My gut response was (and what I said) "because it is hard".  It is hard to strive for awareness and it is hard to have awareness, to take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and needs. In many ways, it is easier to walk through life as a victim, blaming other people or blaming ourselves, and taking the path of least resistance.  Sometimes it is easier to just live-stuck on the treadmill, stuck in the patterns, yes they might have uncomfortable circumstances but at least they are comfortable.

It is a similar question to if exercising is good for you why don't more people do it?  Because it is hard it requires us to sweat and get out of breath and we might not be good at it at first. But when we do exercise and it becomes a regular part of our lives we feel better,  our anxiety decreases, our hearts are healthier, our muscles feel better.  Overall we feel better.

As with awareness--at first we aren't very good at it--it is a stretch to be aware of what's happening around us.  It is a stretch to get off the hamster wheel and pay attention to both our inner and outer world.  But gradually we learn that when we start being aware of our life and what is going on around us--our world opens up.  We see little wonderful things that we have missed in the past.  Life opens up in HD/3-D/technicolor!  We also learn that we have a responsibility in life--we are responsible for our feelings, our reactions, for speaking our needs and for noticing when we are too stressed or too tired. We can't blame our spouse our co-workers, our family we are responsible for our own happiness!!  I admit both a freeing and irritating concept.  The beauty is when we start taking control of our thoughts feelings and needs we are empowered.  We are stimulated we realize we don't have to be victims.  We have a say in our lives and what we want to get out of them!!

A client recently said to me--Awareness means I can have a more full life but it also means I can't take the path of least resistance anymore!  As with the idea of embracing both--awareness allows us to live bright vibrant lives, and prevents us from floating along.  As with exercise, it is exhausting, energizing, empowering, and challenging and a DEFINITE key to Living Happier.

Embrace the Mess--Holding Both

As I have moved through my journey of Living Happier the biggest (and at times, hardest) lesson I have learned is life isn't black and white.  Life is a big, colorful mess.  Life is full of emotions, thoughts and needs few of which we can put neatly in a box or precisely label.  In fact sometimes, two opposite extremes are usually true: you love your partner AND you are frustrated by him/her.  You are supportive of your child in playing a sport AND you are worried for his/her safety. You like your job AND you are having a bad day.  You are sad your parents are getting older AND you enjoy every moment you spend with them. We have opposite extremes all the time--a friend of mine calls it 'holding both'.  We are holding two extremes of being happy and sad or frustrated and thankful.  

I believe a secret to Living Happier is to embrace the mess that is life.  When we embrace the concept of 'holding both' we can fully experience life.  I have a client (Sara*) who recently lost her mother to cancer.  When she first came into see me her mother had just been diagnosed.  Throughout the process of her mom's death which was relatively quick I encouraged her to hold both--to express her sadness around losing her mom and to feel the gratitude of the moments when she and her mom laughed and shared.  After her  mom had died, Sara said that if she hadn't had the concept of holding both she would have missed many special moments with her mom.

Examples of holding both, happen all the time in our day to day lives: being frustrated at a co-worker and understanding why they messed up, being sad about a loss of a job and relieved that you didn't get it, being angry at your partner and sympathetic at the same time.  Frequently we try to squelch one of the feelings because it doesn't fit into a black and white world or it isn't logical.  Well, my friend, life is not logical.  Life is messy, full of contrasts and conflicts, it is rich with color. Be curious and supportive of all your emotions, all the many colors you experience in your life!  Embrace the mess and Live Happier!

*names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality

In the Dog House.

My dog, Mocha, LOVES to be outside. She sleeps inside the house, but for the better part of the day she enjoys hanging on the back porch surveying her land--well really the postage stamp that is my back yard.  So I decided I should buy her a dog house because I want to keep her protected and dry during the winter.  Mocha wants nothing to do with the dog house--I have spent much of this week trying to coax her in to it. I have tried filling it with her blanket, her toys, clothes of mine etc.  Short of crawling in it myself (as a friend suggested) I have pretty much done everything.  There was one brief moment, I found her in the dog house, but I think she was just heading in to get her stuffed monkey.

So the other night I come home late and I couldn't find Mocha--finally after a few panicked moments she rises from under the deck--it was dark so I didn't really inspect it.  The next day I checked it out--here she has made a little nest for herself under the deck.  She has dug a hole and has a nice sized spot for her to hang out under the protection of the deck.

There sits the wonderful shiny new dog house and she would rather hang under the deck in the dirt!  I was thinking how often do we spend our time trying to convince someone else to do something or thinking we know better when really they have it under control?   Mocha handled the situation--she will be warm and dry under the deck.  But I am convinced she needs to be in the shiny new dog house because I honestly think she would be happier there.  But the point is she is happy--I am the one who has spent my week obsessing about it.  I have been the one who has tied myself up in knots trying to convince her to do what I think would be best for her and she already has it figured out.  Isn't it ironic,  my goal was to keep her warm and dry--somewhere I lost sight of that goal and my goal became to manipulate her into hanging in the dog house.  How often does that happen in our lives?

Many times we think we are doing the right thing for someone we think we are being helpful and caring when really we are trying to force our opinion on to them.  We think we know how best to handle a conflict that someone else is having, we think we know the perfect job for our partner, we think we know the best college for our child to attend.  Sometimes people (or dogs) do need our help but rarely do they need us to force our thoughts, behaviors or "what is best" on to them--most of the time they just need us to hold the space.  Not only will it help them live happier if we aren't stuffing our agenda down their throat it will help us live happier.

The next time you start obsessing about what someone should do, or what you think is best--stop and think is this another dog house situation?  Am I taking on someone else's stuff that they can handle? Separating your stuff from their stuff will help you live happier.

Live Happier Tip: Eating with Awareness

Brooke Castillo is a life coach who wrote a wonderful book called If I Am So Smart Why Can't I Lose Weight.  Her weight loss theory is about paying attention to what we eat and why we eat it.  In the book, she gives a wonderful example about mindful eating.  Let's say you have had a terrible day, people have yelled at you, you have made mistakes, and your stress level is through the roof.  You have just finished eating dinner, you are full but still stressed out.  You go to a friend's house and all your friends are drinking wine and sitting around a table chatting. On the table are all your favorite foods.  According to Brooke--the fact that you had a bad day has nothing to do with the fact that all your favorite foods are on the table.  So in theory you should be able to walk into the room, sit down and share your bad day with your friends and because you are already full not eat all the food on the table.  The first time I read this example, I was blown away! What a unique idea!?!?  Food and emotions not linked?  Who would have thought it?

It is my contention that if we start becoming more aware of not just what we eat but why we eat we will Live Happier.  So today's live happier tip is eating with awareness.  For most of us, food is linked to an emotion whether it be joy, stress, saddness, pain, frustration.  We often 'reward' ourselves with a big cookie or a bag of potato chips or for me Reese' cups.  I know when I start craving a bag of Reese cups I am in trouble. When I don't just stop at one or two.  When I pull the bag out of the cupboard, plop myself on the couch and start unwrapping them like a mad woman--something is off. I am mindlessly eating and that means somewhere there is an emotion that is going unchecked.

Living Happier is about having awareness around what we are eating and why.  When we mindlessly stuff ourselves to the point of beyond full, not only are we physically uncomfortable but we haven't really listened to the internal clues our emotions are giving us.  The key is to pay attention as we are eating-Do you want a piece of chocolate cake?  Then eat one, enjoy every wonderful bite, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, enjoy it!  Frequently, we decide to eat a piece of chocolate cake and miss how wonderful it tastes because we are beating ourselves up for it.  To the same end if you get a piece of chocolate cake and it tastes bad then don't eat it.  Sometimes because we FINALLY allow ourselves to eat a piece of chocolate cake we will eat it even though it isn't delicious.

Unfortunately in our country we have a lot of negative messages around food--we need to separate food from emotions.  WAY easier said than done--but it all starts with awareness. So pay attention to what you are eating today--how does it taste? Are you enjoying it? Why are you eating it?, Are you already full?, Are you eating it as a reward or because you deserve it rather than because you really want to eat whatever is in front of you?  When we have awareness around eating we can start enjoying our food and our lives more.  We can deal with our emotions AND enjoy our food.

Relax, Relax

I have been taking swim lessons at Lifetime Fitness for a few months now.  I really enjoy it and my swim stroke has greatly improved.  I grew up with a pool, so I am very familiar with the water.  I am very comfortable jumping off the diving board, holding my breath all the way across the pool and can play a mean game of 'marco polo'.  But what I didn't know how to do is swim a stroke correctly--I had no idea how to swim the front crawl or the back stroke.  At first, I was just going to do 4 lessons. But 4 have turned into 12 and now I have fins and hand paddles and I have learned there is this whole complex world revolved around swimming. It is WAY more than just being able to get from one side of the pool to the other. Not only have I learned a lot about my swim stroke I have had a few aha moments about living happier in the pool.

A few months ago, I wrote about how swim pace is linked to happiness and yesterday I had another similar aha moment during my lesson.  Yesterday,  I was learning how to swim the back stroke at 'race pace'.  As I swam using all my muscles, concentrating on form, trying not to just give up, my swim instructor started yelling 'relax, relax' from the side of the pool.  My first thought was, " Relax? I am racing here, there is no relaxing?!?!" and then I thought "Oh maybe I can relax AND do race pace" and you know what? I did and I did better.  Unfortunately, me swimming with my instructor yelling 'relax,  relax' became a bit of a theme for this lesson--I admit it is a tough lesson for me.  As I walked away from the pool, I thought wouldn't it be wonderful if I had a little person who walked around with me and when I got stressed he said "relax, relax" like my swim instructor did.

Many of us tend to be a white knucklers. We face life holding on for dear life, worried we are going to make a mistake, worried we are doing it wrong or we just give up.  We get tunnel vision on our lives, our relationships, our jobs.  We white knuckle our way through each day living in a state of worry and inadequacy.  For some of my clients the idea of letting go, relaxing into life seems counter-intuitive.  Because somewhere we learned the lesson:  the tighter we hold on the more control we have the happier we will be.  I am here to tell you that is incorrect, my friend.  The truth is the times in my life when I have learned to 'relax, relax' to let go, and release control are the times when happiness comes in.   The times I just chill and stop white knuckling my relationships improve, my career is more fulfilling and I am happier.  In reality, the relationship and career improvements are just a bonus to the huge sigh of relief that I take when I just relax, relax and I remember white knuckling does NOT equal happiness.

So from now on when you feel yourself trying to hold on to control, trying to do everything perfectly or afraid of complete failure think of my swim instructor screaming "relax, relax", take a deep breath and release control.  I swear it will help you Live Happier.

Taking a Risk--Making a List

I admit, I am BIG fan of chick-lit.  One of my favorite self care activities is to crawl into bed with my cat nestled up next to me and read chick-lit.  Side note: When I am doing that I always think of Iyanla Vanzant who said, one of  her favorite self care activities was to lie on her bed, bra off, watching reruns of Law and Order--she showed me self care can be whatever you want as long as it feeds your soul.

So last night I got the special thrill of starting a new book called--The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski.  The premise of the book is that the main character, June was in a car accident which killed her passenger, Marissa, whom she just met.  In the car wreckage, June found a list Marissa had made of the 25 things she wanted to do before she turned 25.  As a tribute and to relieve her own guilt June decides to complete the list.

While I was reading, I started thinking about this concept.  It spoke to me because it wasn't a somedays list--the list wasn't a crazy, might only happen in my wildest dreams, if the planets align and I win the lottery list. It consisted of activities that would push me (just a little bit) out of my comfort zone.  In the book, some of the activities were:  Wear sexy shoes, show my brother how grateful I am for him, take mom and grandma to see Wayne Newton, kiss a stranger.  In the book, Marissa had just lost 100 lbs after being overweight her whole life so her list was very much about experiencing a more sensual side of life.
So last night I got out of bed and started brainstorming the 25 things I wanted to complete before I turn 40.

What I love about this activity is it challenged me to think out of the box, to think of what I wanted to accomplish over the next few years.  To look at life in broad sweeping strokes as an adventure where anything was possible.  But also because I have a limited timeframe--the list is realistic and speaks to who I am and what I value right now.  I am a big believer that taking risks (even small ones) and being open to adventure helps us Live Happier.  When we stretch ourselves we get to experience our full potential, we get the thrill of trying something new and the excitement of pushing ourselves. Life is about experiences, it is my belief the more we experience in our lives the more we can live happier.  The magic is these experience can range from reading a good book curled up in bed, to sky diving.

My challenge for you today is just to think about what your list would include.  Pick a date in the future and just brainstorm some ideas for the activities/events you want to experience over the next few years.  

Self Imposed Cages

One of my favorite books is called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.   In her book, she tells the story of Mohini a white tiger who lived at the Washington DC National Zoo.  For years, Mohini had a tiny little cell that he lived in.  Because it was so small--Mohini would just pace back and forth in his cell.  He would spend his days walking the same path, back and forth, back and forth, until it was a well worn path.  Finally, the zoo raised enough money and they were able to build a beautiful natural habitat for him with lots of grass and trees. There was a big opening and they let Mohini in to the new habitat and he immediately went to a far corner and started pacing back and forth back and forth. He did not explore his new surroundings or even look around he just found a spot and began pacing.

The first time I heard this story, I was listening to Tara speak at a conference. I was just blown away by the story. Stories do the best job of just shaking our core.  It was a wow moment for me, because I can remember where I was sitting, my reaction and how it felt to hear that story.   I realized that in my own life and in my clients lives we frequently keep ourselves in a cage unnecessarily.  We feel locked into something, we feel stuck, but the cage is imaginary.  If we would only look up and look around we could see the possibilities.  We would realize the cage is made up of our own limiting beliefs and negative self talk our own shoulds, and what-ifs.  The cage isn't real.

It some ways it is safe to live in a self imposed cage.  The cage gives us a place to put the blame and keeps us safe.  It prevents us from really having to take a risk, or to face our fears and our inner critic.     Unfortunately the pain comes in when we realize we have lived a life stuck on a path that we didn't really want, that we didn't really chose.  All we have to do is lift our heads up, look around and say to ourselves--do I like my path, is this where I want to be?  And if not--what is one change I can make? What is one little step I can take that will pull me off the path for a little while?  Do I want to take a class, get a massage, go dancing with my friends, take a trip, write a book, paint a picture? The possibilities are endless.

By the time Mohini made it to the larger more expansive habitat he was already beaten down enough to not even bother to look up and see the possibilities.  In order to prevent that in our own lives--we have to pay attention to our daily lives, and see where we might want to add some spice or make some changes.  We have to continually check our limiting beliefs, negative self talk and see if it is keeping us in a self imposed cage.  Living Happier is about exploring both our internal and external worlds to make sure we are living our lives to the fullest and not just stuck in a cage of our own making.

It's a big, vast, wonderful world. Go Exploring and Live Happier.

Live Happier Tip: My Dogs Turn

Last week I did the Ode to my Cat Pooh--so this week in keeping with the theme I thought I would share some Live Happier Tips I have learned from my dog, Mocha. First off I have to say Mocha is a new wondeful addition to my life.  I have always been a cat person--for years (13 actually) it was just me and my cat (minus the brief 10 day stint with a dog that didn't work out--VERY long story).  Then this past April, I decided to do scope out the dog shelters 'mix and mingle' event.  Even though I swore I was just looking, the friend that went with me knew I would be walking home with a dog that day. Fortunately I did, I came home with the perfect dog for me.  She is super chill and gentle and makes me laugh on a daily basis.  I have learned a lot about living happier from my dog and today I share her tips.

Take time to Watch the World.  Mocha LOVES to be outside.  She sits on the back porch for hours watching the squirrels and taking in 'her domain'. Sometimes I just love watching her looking so happy and content. She reminds me that joy comes in the little things and I just need to take the time to sit and watch the world.

Curiosity.  Mocha and I take at least one sometimes two walks a day.  I love walking with her because she greets our neighborhood with such curiosity.  Every time she walks out of the house she acts as if it was the first time.  She runs down the walk with great amazement and wonder.  As I walk with her I am reminded to look around, to have some curiosity about both my external and my internal world.

Greet Everyone with Enthusiasm.  One of my favorite parts of coming home is the Mocha greeting.  Whether I am gone for 5 minutes or 5 hours the greeting is always enthusiastic.  It makes me feel loved and appreciated.  After a long day it is fabulous to walk out of the garage and receive a gigantic 'welcome home--where have you been?" smile.  Her enthusiasm reminds me that I need to give the people in my life that kind of warm greeting.  I need to be showing those I love how much they mean to me on daily basis.

Play with Abandonment.  Every day I find myself in my back yard talking in a silly voice running around like a crazy woman and playing with Mocha. She has taught me the joy in playing.  For those 5-10 minutes it is just fun to be running around watching her play with such joy.  She reminds me that life maybe hard and challenging but the joy comes in the play.  Looking and sounding like a fool is worth it when you are also laughing so hard your belly hurts.

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Just a reminder that tonight from 6-7:30pm (Wednesday) is the Strong Woman Strong Relationship Seminar at Easton Lifetime Fitness--hope to see you there!!

Strong Woman Strong Relationships

This morning I did one of my favorite things--I went out to breakfast with a friend of mine.  Always a bonus to start the day with pancakes and bacon and even more so to have a great conversation while doing so.  One of our many subjects was my upcoming seminar (it is tomorrow, Wednesday,for all of you that live in the Columbus Ohio area) entitled Strong Woman, Strong Relationships.  

We spent much of our breakfast time discussing the meaning of the words Strong Woman Strong Relationship.  It was a spirited fun discussion so I thought I would continue it here.  

As women we receive so many conflicting messages about a. what it means to be strong and b. what it means to be in a relationship.  The challenge is that both are very individual decisions. My definition of a strong relationship may not be your definition of a strong relationship.  However, the key is getting clear on what both terms mean. What does being a Strong Woman mean to you?  How would you know if your relationships was strong?

For me being a strong woman means having a clear sense of what makes me tick, knowing myself, knowing what I value, what I believe and am passionate about.  A strong woman can be CEO of a fortune 500 company who is responsible for 1000 employees or mother of 3 who works from home and spends her days caring for her husband and children.  The point is it isn't what you do that makes your strong it is how you do it.  A strong woman knows her needs and expresses them, she doesn't alway act out of a place of 'should' but rather  she knows what she wants and she goes after that.  The world needs more strong women, women who are comfortable in their own skin--know who they are and the type of relationships they want and they go after it!  

Similarly women need to take a look at our definition of relationship--what does a strong relationship mean to us?  Does it mean: we spend all our time together?  my partner buys me gifts or takes me on trips?  my partner is supportive of my drive and ambition?   my partner holds me when I cry and understands my vulnerabilities?  There is no set rule on what a strong relationship looks like.  I believe a strong relationship is one where both partners 'show up' and co-create a loving, supportive, team. That may mean they spend every waking moment together, or they see each other only on the weekends, or that one partner stays home and the other partner earns the money etc.   A strong relationship can look like 1000 different things  the key is that we as woman need to start figuring out what a strong relationship looks like to us and then start creating that!!

In my experience working with many female clients-somewhere along the way we lost this definition of strength. We have bought into a lot of 'shoulds' and we started thinking the answer was 'out there'.  We forgot about the power of looking within to find the answer, to find our strength. 

So today ask yourself:  What does it mean to be a strong woman?  What does a strong relationship look like to me? 

Then tomorrow night have a Strong Woman Strong Relationship discussion. If you live near Columbus  grab your girlfriends, come to Easton, get some dinner and join me at Lifetime Fitness at Easton for the seminar.  If you don't live near Columbus-then grab your girlfriends and start the conversation-get curious and support your friends in getting clear on what makes them Strong!   For more information check out my website.  Looking forward to seeing you!

Holding the Space

One of my favorite phrases is 'holding the space'. To me this phrase encompasses much of what it means to Live Happier.  When we hold the space for someone we are just present, listening, and validating.  We aren't judging, giving advice or offering a solution.  We are just there holding their pain, their anguish, their joy, their space.  It is my belief when we hold the space for other people our relationships become more rich and full.  We get to know our partners, our friends on a whole different level because rather then the conversation being about US it becomes about THEM.  I know that people come to insights and change more quickly when we give them the space to do so rather than piling on our adgenda, thoughts or advice. The number one thing we all need is validation--a 'yes this is hard and you will get through this', or 'rock on that was an awesome accomplishment', or 'you have every right to be sad, angry hurt'.  We don't need to hear, 'move on', 'get over it', 'you don't need to cry'.

I learned this lesson many years ago when I was in a bad relationship.  You know one of those relationships where when it is good it is REALLY good and when it is bad it is REALLY bad--and it was honestly only good about 30% of the time.  I knew it wasn't a good relationship and I knew eventually I would get out of it--but I wasn't quite ready yet.  The friends who said to me, 'move on', 'he is a jerk get over it', were the friends I quit talking to about it.  The friends who said 'I love you and care for you and while I don't understand why you feel the need to stick with him, I will be with you while you do it' were the ones who saw me through it. They were the friends who I could talk to and process with and because of them I moved through the bad relationship much faster and learned a valuable life lesson in the process.  The lesson of just holding the space.

When we offer people our agenda, our advice we aren't allowing them their space, their process, their timeframe.  So the gift comes, in the challenge and the support--in saying 'I love you and I don't like seeing you hurting'.  In Holding the Space.

To the same degree we need to learn how to hold the space with ourselves.  To be present to ourselves, to listen and validate what our bodies, thoughts emotions are telling us.  Unfortunately we tend to be our own worst critic, consistently giving ourselves advice or criticism.

So my challenge for you today is to go out into the world and support, validate and hold the space of  both yourself and the people around you.  Just offer your genuine caring. Be present to yourself and those you love. I promise it will help you life happier!