Do you remember the game truth or dare? I use to love playing it as a child. I can vividly remember sitting around the circle at a slumber party and feeling the anticipation as we went around the room. Who would pick truth and who would pick dare?
What was more brave sharing the truth or performing the dare? Each of us had definite opinions which was easier.
As adults we don't tend to play the game truth or dare very often. The act of sitting in a circle with our friends sharing our deepest truths or daring each other to do something crazy seems crazy and ludicrous!!
What if we started to share our truths more?
What if we admitted to ourselves what was really going on with our job, our relationships or our lives?
What if we truly shared our joys and our stress?
And more so what if we dared ourselves to do more?
What if we dared ourselves to go bigger, dig deeper, live richer?
What keeps you from sharing your truth?
Frequently in my office clients feel a sense of relief just admitting to me that they hate their jobs. I can see the internal sigh as they admit 'I am unfulfilled in my relationship and I am having an affair'. Or the immediate softening from saying "My life LOOKS amazing but I feel awful" The healing comes in admitting, 'you know this isn't going so well'.
For many of us sharing the truth is the dare. Admitting the truth feels like the scariest option. It is scary. Saying out loud (even just to ourselves) the cold hard truth can be totally terrifying!!! It is only when we can admit the truth that we can start to heal.
The healing comes from saying what we do or don't like about our lives.
Saying out loud our dreams and desires.
Admitting to ourselves where we are overwhelmed, stuck or down right terrified.
It is then we can start to dare. Start to dream. Start to do it differently and make different choices.
I don't think it is truth or dare? I think it is first truth and then dare.
What about you? Do you remember playing truth or dare? What was your preference? Who can you be truthful with in your life?
Who are you? It is such a fascinating question. We all love to gain more insight into ourselves. See our blind spots, figure out our nuances, hear what others have to say about us. Figuring out who you are and what makes you tick is absolutely necessary in Living Happier.
One of my favorite personality assessments is the Myers Briggs. A few years ago I became certified in the Myers Briggs assessment. I use it a frequently in my practice to help people figure out their career, understand their relationship or just get insight in to how they interact in the world. Today I wanted to do a brief overview to hopefully give you a little insight in to Who are you?
It starts with 4 categories:
Introvert vs. Extrovert: Where do you get your energy?
Sensing vs Intuitive: How do you take in information?
Thinking vs Feeling: How do you make decisions?
Judging vs. Perceiving: How do you deal with the outside world?
For each of the 4 categories you can be one type of the others.
1. Introvert vs. ExtrovertWhere do you get your energy?
Introvert:
Gain their energy from being alone.
They can go out and be in the world and can be quite social but these activities are draining.
Tend to think before they talk so thinking out loud can be a challenge.
If they want to plan an idea will need to think it through before they talk about it.
Prefer to know just a few people well rather than have a lot of friends.
Extrovert
Gain energy from being around people.
Seen as more of a 'people person'
Can enjoy being alone but feel tired and worn out if they have too much alone time.
Has a lot of friends and knows a lot of people.
Thinks out loud so if they need to plan an idea will want to talk it through.
2. Sensing vs INtuitive: How do you take in information?
Sensing
Takes in information through the five senses
Focuses on the here and now.
Concrete, realistic, factual
INtuitive:
takes in information from patterns and the big picture.
Focus on future
Inventive, imaginative and idealistic
3. Thinking vs Feeling: How do you make decisions?
Thinking
Tend to make decisions based on logic and cause and effect analysis
Ruled by their head rather than their heart
Logical, rational, impersonal
Feeling
Tend to make decisions based on values and subject evaluation of feelings and personal concerns
Ruled by their heart rather than their head
Gentle, empathetic, emotional
4. Judging vs. Perceiving: How do you deal with the outside world?
Judging
Tend to like a planned and organized approach to life.
Prefer order and structure.
Decisive, organized, scheduled.
Perceiving
Tend to be more flexible and spontaneous in their approach to life.
Like to keep their options open.
Adaptable, relaxed and disorganized.
So for each of the four categories you pick a letter and you end up with a four letter personality type which can then provide you more insight in to Who you are? and your personality preferences.
There are no right or wrong answers. There are no good or bad personality types. There are just differences.
We each have a unique way of viewing the world. Although we might have similar 'letters' we are still very unique players in the world. The beauty of these assessments is that they give us a sense of belonging a sense of "I am not the only one who thinks that way", which can be refreshing. Also, they can explain why we may or may not 'fit' into a certain environment. If you are an Introvert trying to fit into an Extrovert world it can be exhausting. If you boss is a J and you tend to be a P there might be a struggle. This insight can be invaluable in avoiding blame and conflicts with those around us.
As I said this is a BRIEF analysis of the Myers Briggs for more information check out visit my website.
My personality type is an INFJ, what about you? What are your four letters? What did you find most surprising?
Type descriptors are taken from the MBTI assessment.
Want to know more about the Myers Briggs or other assessments I offer. Click here to find out more. I would love to help you gain more insight into who you are, what career fits you and how you can live happier!!
With January comes the onslaught of TV ads aimed at workout videos and 'get thin quick' products. I confess I am fascinated by these products and have in my younger years gotten hooked by these ads and purchased one or two of them (ok more like 5-10). In my obsessive viewing I have found, the marketing for these ads seems to go one of two ways.
The Extreme Workout Trend. These workout videos are extreme. The message is you have to work out to the max in order to have a healthy, sexy body. You have to put your body through the ringer and give 60 minutes a day of HARD exercise in order to be thin and beautiful.
or
Just do a few minutes a day. This is the 'in as little as 15 minutes a day' you can lose weight and get fit' idea. These ad show people working out and moving around but they are no where near the extreme version of option one. The message is just do something and you are bound to get thinner.
The flaw is in the design, in the extreme version you see results quickly but you get burned out, injured or just plain exhausted. In the few minutes a day video it might work at first but the more in shape you get the more you need to challenge your body, so you won't see results as quickly so you get discouraged, you give up. Truth is and we all know move your body eat less and you will lose weight. You don't have to be extreme but you do have to stretch yourself out of your comfort zone.
Why am I talking about workout videos on a live happier blog? Well, I think we tend to take these extreme ideas when it comes to our own mental health or growth. We are either EXTREME about changing old habits, being intentional or building awareness (borderline obsessive) or we are more laid back about it, only doing it when it is convenient.
Wanting to Live Happier is in many ways similar to wanting to build a strong lean body.
It is about:
building awareness and paying attention to the voices taking up residence in your head,
being intentional about how you spend your time,
living from your values and being congruent with what you want from your life and what you are putting out into the world
greeting yourself and the world with love, acceptance and curiosity.
Similar to exercise, Living Happier is a daily practice. It takes time, effort and diligence.
Just like the exercise programs, if you took on all 4 of those goals above you would burn out, and give up and if you just committed to it a few minutes a day you won't see any real change. All change is incremental and all change takes time and commitment.
So if you are new to the Live Happier concept pick one of those goals and throughout the day pay attention to yourself and how well you are living up to the goal. Once you get that idea incorporated into your life pick another goal. Be patient, be intentional and be committed. Soon the goals of Living Happier will be part of your daily routine.
Too often I see clients saying they want to change, they want to live happier and start changing everything at once (they take the extreme workout version) and so they are overwhelmed and overwrought. Living Happier and losing weight require tremendous amounts of self love and acceptance. If you work so hard you end up hurting yourself it isn't worth it and if you aren't committed it won't work.
What tends to be your 'change' style? What tips do you have for Living Happier? What changes have you made in your life to Live Happier?
For whatever reason, as I work with clients themes tend to pop up. Lately the theme has been settling, and selling out. Clients from all ages are worrying about that idea or that ideal. Whether they are in their 20s or their 50s they are worrying about:
have I settled?
is it possible to not settle?
can I get unsettled?
Many of us in our 20s had big dreams and visions for our lives, maybe writing a book or traveling the world, doing photography or being CEO of our own company. And then we entered 'the real world' where those around and older then us listened politely to our dreams and the quickly responded with
"but you need to get a real job" "you need to be responsible, get benefits, buy a house and settle down"
in other words
"you need to join us".
And so we do, we get the job with benefits we convince ourselves we will keep up the dream but eventually we get tired, and beaten down and so we just join the masses. And for awhile that is enough we know we aren't 'living our dream' but we say to ourselves 'who is really?'. And then one day we hear ourselves say to the next generation as they share their big dreams:
"get a real job" "be responsible, get benefits, buy a house and settled down"
and we say
"WHOA! Did I just say that?" "Did I just spread the propaganda?" "Did I just shame their dreams?
We start to wonder, is this all there is? Did I sell out? Can I get back my dreams?
I have written before how settling doesn't have to be a bad thing. But for some people that feeling of settling is not a good one (which is usually a reason they come in to see me). For whatever reason they are not happy. They have done 'everything they were told to do' and yet they are still unhappy.
The reason settling becomes a problem is because you are living from someone else's definition of success. You are living someone else's dream. I believe not settling takes time, intention and vision. Not settling means patience, tradeoffs and a life lived from your values.
You can get back your dreams. There is hope. The reason it is called the road less traveled is because it is. The reason many of us love that phrase is because it sounds adventurous and fun. It sounds romantic and mysterious. But you know what?
The road less traveled is less traveled for a REASON it is hard, and full of thorny bushes and overgrown brush. But every now and then you reach a clearing where you can see for miles and the view is incredible. And you say, "This was worth it."
Whereas the road more often traveled may be lush and green the whole time but there aren't any amazing vistas or views. The roads are different. There isn't a right or wrong. I know many people who work traditional jobs, make very good salaries and love their lives.
The choice is yours.
The challenge is making YOUR choice.
Choosing YOUR path.
The theme is you can always make a new choice. If you find you have picked the wrong path--pick again--make a new path--forge a new trail or take a side path. There are consequences and challenges to either choice. Just remember, life is much happier when it is YOUR path.
If I had a dollar for the number of times I have a client or a friend or yes even myself says, "I shouldn't be feeling this way I SHOULD be living happier". I could be a rich woman.
I call this the Myth Of Living Happier.
The Myth of Living Happier
I am living happier then I won't feel any pain, doubt or insecurity. I will process loss and tragedy at super human speed and I will always feel blissful and light.
Pardon my language but I am here to call bullshit on this myth. Let's blow it up and toss it to the wind. Let's destroy this insane, unattainable concept of happiness and being happier.
One of my foundational beliefs in Living Happier is that you have to experience the Yuck. As the expression goes shit happens, relationships break up, parents get sick, fatal car accidents occur, and jobs are lost. Real grief is something we all experience and more importantly it isn't something that we experience easily or well. Real grief is HARD it rips your insides out and makes you cry to the depth of your being. Unfortunately, it is not something one thinks of when talking about Living Happier.
The other day I was talking to a friend and who was lamenting the loss of her parent. Her mother had died a couple of years ago and every year around the anniversary of her death she can feel the grief overwhelm her. "I SHOULD be done with this grief" "I am suppose to be Living Happier, right?". I lovingly reminded her that it is perfectly normal to feel the loss of her mother. It was after all HER MOTHER and quite honestly she only died 2 years ago so hell yes she will still be feeling a very real loss of one of the most important people in her life!!!
Living Happier doesn't mean living in denial or living a delusion. Living Happier isn't pasting a smile on your face no matter what. It isn't ignoring your feelings.
Living Happier means allowing yourself to have a bad day. To give yourself grace around pain, sadness and grief. Living Happier means you can give yourself the radical acceptance necessary to move through the inevitable emotions that come up as we move through the peaks and valleys of life.
Basically in order to Live Happier you have to LIVE. Live fully engaged, intentional and aware. If we are ignoring, shaming or belittling our grief and pain we are not Living and we are definitely not Living Happier. Sometimes in an effort to Live Happier we will cry, we will be angry, we will be cranky and tired and not look or feel 'happier'. But at the end of the day, at the end of the cry, at the end of the rant we will be happier because we will be embracing all of our life the good, the bad and the ugly.
To live happier doesn't mean you will constantly feel HAPPY or blissful. The quest to Live Happier is just that a quest. A quest to give ourselves room to feel all of life both the joy and the pain. A quest of knowing that in the span of 24 hours we can cry our eyes out and laugh until our stomachs hurt. When we are truly Living Happier we get to experience and show up for all of life.
I ask you to join me in ridding this world of the Myth of Living Happier.
I struggled to write today, was at a loss for inspiration and so I simply wrote what I wanted to say to myself. So here it is an open letter to myself. Hope it is as inspiring for you as it was for me.
In this Moment:
Pause.
Take A Deep Breathe.
Be Grateful.
Put down the worries.
Move your body--do a gig, stretch your back, be present to you.
Take a Deep Breathe.
Give up the need to do it perfectly.
Smile.
Move aside the SHOULDs.
Think of someone you love.
Take a Deep Breathe.
Think of someone who loves you.
Let go of the to do list.
Embrace yourself.
Just Be.
Yesterday, I started talking about the negative voices that play in our heads; I call them mongers. I had so much to say I decided to make it a two-part series.
A monger according to Merriam-Webster is:
"something who attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable".
Yesterday we learned about the importance of building awareness and having curiosity around our mongers. Today we are going to talk about what to do once you hear the voice.
For years, people have said you need to fight your voice. It is causing you harm so we need to declare war on our mongers. I disagree with this theory. I think we need to embrace our mongers.
I have always wondered why would we want to declare war on a part of us? The monger is a part of us. Regardless of how it got there, it is there and it is doing its job...spreading half-truths and faulty logic. So rather than hating on it what if we were curious about it.
What if every time you heard your voice you acknowledge it and welcomed it? As a point of clarity, there is a HUGE difference between welcoming it and believing in it. By welcoming it I am meaning have some curiosity about what it is saying. Remember I said that it is spreading information that can be discreditable---so some of the information might be worth hearing-usually it is the monger's presentation style that could use some work. And by having curiosity I am not saying engage in a battle of will's with it. The monger tends to play dirty, and is highly, highly irrational and extremely emotionally charged. So logical debates don't usually help.
By being curious I mean, what is the monger really afraid of, what is it trying to protect you from? Note: Just want to say the example below might sound crazy and a little "woo woo" but I swear when I implement this behavior it immediately relaxes my monger and decreases his/her energy.
Here is a great example: You are coming home from work, you had a meeting earlier in the day that you were responsible for that went ok. Not great but ok. In the course of the meeting you were assigned a job that is a little out of your comfort zone, one you KNOW you are qualified to do but haven't actually done it before. As you are in the car, your monger starts talking:
"You are going to lose your job, there is no way you can do this task, they are going to see you for the failure you are, they only gave it to you because they are desperate, you suck"
In the past, you would have driven home and gone right for the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of wine, or eat a box of oreos. But today you welcome the voice and say,
"Hello, Mr. (or Ms.) Monger, welcome, I hear what you are saying, what are you really afraid of, what are you protecting me from?"
And the Monger will go off again perhaps even more insistent with,
"Who do you think you are? You think you are better than me? I KNOW you and I know you are weak, and stupid and soon everyone at your firm will see that too."
And so you take a deep breath and calmly reply,
"Hello, Mr. (or Ms.) Monger, welcome, I hear what you are saying, what are you really afraid of, what are you protecting me from?"
The first time you do this, you might have to repeat it 4 or 5 times and the Monger might get more and more jazzed up and viscous. Because underneath the Monger's viciousness is a huge pile of fear and pain. The Monger is afraid of: failure, success, ridicule, embarrassment, getting too big, never getting big, and the list can go on and on.
Eventually the monger will reply:
"I am afraid you will fail, you might look like an idiot and this new task might just be too much for you"
And then you can say:
"Yep, I am afraid of that too, and I got this, I have been working for this for a long time and even though I am scared too I know we will be alright...even if I do fail...but if I don't try I won't ever succeed".
When we hate on our mongers, tell them to go away and/or punish them we are just making them more scared. When we can invite them in and relax them they dissipate much quicker.
The reason the last statement is so powerful is that it:
Loving acknowledges and appreciates the monger.
Doesn't get into a debate with it on why it is wrong.
Tells it that you are moving forward fear and all and you will be ok (even if you fail)
Eventually after you have had this dialogue a few times, you will get to the point where it is unnecessary. You get the mongers themes you get what it is afraid of. So when you hear your monger talking incessantly you can simply say:
"I know you are scared of _____ but I got this. Thanks for coming to tell me now step aside so I can do my work."
It is when we get stuck in fear mode or when we get stuck in the debate mode that we get stuck. The key is to move on despite the monger and remind yourself you are ok.
Have you tried a technique like this one? Do you have any ways that work to minimize your monger?
We all have them: negative thoughts, that voice in the back of your head that says, "you are a terrible mom", "you can't do that", "who do you think you are", and on and on and on. It chimes at us throughout the day creating doubt, anxiety, depression, insecurity and overall stuckness.
Experts disagree on where this voice comes from theories range from it is your ego, your lizard brain, your limiting beliefs, even your parents limiting beliefs. You can call it your evil twin, gremlins, vampire, demons or as I like to say your monger. Regardless of how you refer to it--it is THERE and bottom line it is NOT HELPFUL. In fact, it is causing out and out damage.
A monger according to Merriam-Webster is:
"something who attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable".
And pretty much that is what our mongers are doing trying to get us to believe something that isn't 100% true. It isn't EVIL it isn't out to get us it is just trying to make us believe something that isn't 100% true. We can give 1,000 reasons as to why it is doing this: to keep us safe, to protect us from danger, because our parents, teachers, relatives or friends told it to. The WHY doesn't really matter the point is that the monger acts out.
To be honest, most of us aren't even aware of how much the monger is talking to us. It can chat all day every day and many people are just unaware. They know they are feeling more anxious or stressed but they are unaware that it is coming from an internal voice belittling, name calling and being plain nasty.
People aren't immune to the monger they are just unaware.
Here are some scenarios in which the monger tends to get chatty:
Scenario 1: You are taking a risk trying a new task. It is stressful and challenging and before you know it you have quit mid-stream to grab a drink, take a nap, or eat a bag of cookies. What really happened: The whole time you were working on the task, your monger was talking to you, telling you how much you sucked and how you will fail. You didn't necessarily hear the monger but you got so discouraged, exhausted and scared that you gave up and went to soothe yourself.
Scenario 2: You are driving home, listening to music feeling pretty good and by the time you get home you are pissed off and angry so you scream at your kids and pick on your partner the rest of the night. What really happened: The monger was talking to you the whole time you were driving, telling you how worthless you are and what a failure your day was. Again, you didn't hear the monger but in the process he/she created anxiety and insecurity which you then went home and took out on your kids.
As a rule your monger tends to get chatty when you are alone and not distracted and when you are trying something new. But it can chat all day every day if it wants to.
The key is for you to pay attention to:
What does your mongers voice sound like? Mean, scared, evil, belittling, passive aggressive
When does your monger get chatty?
What is your reaction when you monger is chatty? Eating, drinking, shopping, watching TV, taking a nap, or working even harder--to name a few
Tomorrow we will talk about next steps after you have gotten more aware of your monger.
Until then, remember, your monger is not to be feared or hated. It is a part of you and its power can be diminished.
How does your monger talk to you? What things tend to set it loose?
Last week my nearest and dearest and I decided to participate in Dr Oz's 3 day cleanse. Admittedly over the holidays we had indulged more than our fair share in the spoils of food and wine. So after much research we decided the Dr. Oz cleanse would be our best bet. "It will be easy" ; "We can TOTALLY do this"; "We will feel SO much better by doing this," we said.
On day one I felt great--I made and drank all my smoothies and was feeling more energized and clear than before--I thought to myself this is great! Upon arriving home I realized my nearest and dearest wasn't feeling as amazing--in fact he was debating quitting! Given that he lives with epilepsy we knew going in we would be extra careful with his health. So we agreed he would continue to drink the smoothies AND eat real food.
Day 2 I woke up feeling awful, no energy, achy all over and totally exhausted. After a 3 hour nap in the morning and barely moving off the couch (notice there was no blog post on Wednesday of last week) I realized I needed to eat before I was going to be able to see clients. So Wednesday afternoon I gave in and made myself some peanut butter toast and within a few hours I was feeling better.
I learned SO much by being on this cleanse--even more so by not finishing it. I confess I am pretty competitive so as I lay on the couch feeling completely miserable I kept saying to myself 'you can't give up you HAVE to keep going'. And then there was the small voice that I like to call my wise voice saying "Really, you can't quit...says who? Why not? What are you trying to prove?"
In the past, I would have beaten myself up for not completing the cleanse, I would have told myself I was weak and unhealthy. Basically, I wouldn't have trusted myself. It was refreshing to hear my inner dialogue. As soon as those old voices came up they were shut down by my wise voice saying "Wisdom is admitting when to stop"; "You learned what you wanted to learn now implement that and move on". And I did learn A LOT I made some commitments to myself on the areas of my diet I wanted to change, less sugar and caffeine, more fruits and vegetables.
Our culture is so obsessed with winning, completion, getting it done that sometimes the lessons come in knowing when to stop. For me this cleanse was a wonderful reminder that I can say "No, that's not for me" even if everyone else is saying, "Yes, you will LOVE it"
Where have you said no when everyone else is saying yes? When have you not completed a plan because you knew it was the right thing for you? How does your wise voice talk to you?
I have seen the play Avenue Q a couple of times if you haven't seen it, it has been described as a Sesame Street for Adults. One of my favorite songs is called For Now. I encourage you to view a version of the song above (thanks to katiekelly for the video)- and check out the lyrics below.
The theme of the song is that whatever we are doing it is only 'for now' so if you are unhappy in your job, don't know what comes next, or just plain unhappy with life, it is only temporary and it WILL get better.
What I love about this song is it takes the pressure off--whatever issue, problem or concern we are having is only 'for now'. We don't have to figure it all out 'right now' we need to be enjoying life in the moment with all the good and the bad.
But what I find too frequently is that many of us get stuck in 'for now' for WAY too long.
We think:
'for now' this relationship is ok.
'for now' this job will do.
'for now' it's ok that I am miserable.
Don't get me wrong we all need to take jobs we don't like in order to make ends meet or gain experience. We have all learned A LOT from bad relationships and we all go through periods of bad times. But when the 'for now' becomes a mantra, an excuse to stay stuck THEN we have a problem.
There is a fine line between:
giving yourself a break and taking back some of the pressure to 'find your passion' so you can really 'hear' yourself and your intuition
allowing yourself some time to heal from a tragedy or set back.
taking time to really enjoy life and figure out what comes next.
recognizing that this job is temporary while you earn enough to go back to school or pay off student loans etc.
AND
convincing yourself that being stuck and unhappy is ok.
allowing fears and insecurities get in the way of living happier.
stop listening to your gut and listening to all the 'nay sayers' instead.
ignoring your dreams all together and slugging through life.
Too often I see clients in my office who have sold themselves the 'for now' mantra for too many years. They have stayed in unhappy jobs, continued with dead end relationships only to be disgruntled and miserable years later.
How do I prevent this you might be asking?
Hands down you have to be honest with yourself.
Are you settling with life or enjoying your life?
Is the job you hate REALLY helping you achieve your goals or has the 'stopgap' become permanent?
Is that relationship REALLY supporting you and making you feel good about yourself or are you giving way more then you are getting?
Right now, do you have any dreams that you aren't pursuing (even in baby steps) if no, why? and how can you start pursuing them?
Be honest with where you are in your life. Listen to your gut. Name your dreams and pursue them in baby steps. Remember that 'for now' can be a blessing and it can keep us stuck.
What do you think? Has the 'for now' mantra been holding you back? Has there been a time in your life when it has?
Wanting to get out of your 'for now' rut. Come join the So, What Comes Next Group.
Group starts January 22nd and runs for 6 weeks. Space is limited
Are you interested in getting unstuck in your career, relationship or life in general with the support of other like-minded individuals? Get more information here
For Now Lyrics
PRINCETON: Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY COLEMAN: Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
CHRISTMAS EVE: Lots of people don't
PRINCETON: But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!
KATE MONSTER:Well, who does, really? Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
BRIAN:
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
GARY COLEMAN: Take a breath,
Look around,
BRIAN: Swallow your pride,
KATE MONSTER: For now...
BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE: For now...
NICKY: Nothing lasts,
ROD:
Life goes on,
NICKY:
Full of surprises.
ROD:
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and
sizes.
CHRISTMAS EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...
ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
LUCY:
For now we're healthy.
BRIAN:
For now we're employed.
BAD IDEA BEARS:
For now we're happy...
KATE MONSTER:
If not overjoyed.
PRINCETON:
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for
now...
GARY COLEMAN:
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...
KATE MONSTER:
For now...
ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
Before a client leaves my office I always ask the question:
"Was this session helpful? Is there anything you need/want differently?"
And 9 times out of 10 they say,
"No this was very helpful...you know what was most helpful, just being able to put it all out there and brainstorm new ways of looking at it". (or some for of that statement).
Of course, this statement makes me feel good. Yes, I am doing my job, I am creating a warm friendly space for people to come in and talk about what is going on.
However, to be completely honest it makes me feel sad because 90% of my job is just creating a warm, friendly place and allowing people to just share their ideas. To provide a sounding board, a non-judgmental place to share dreams and desires, basically to listen. And I admit, I am damn good at that. But I believe that this safe place of sharing and listening should be happening everywhere: at the dinner table, during happy hour, over morning coffee, or during late night conversations. This safe sharing place should be happening with our dear friends, our partners, and our families.
But instead if we do have the guts to share our dreams and desires with people we get the response of:
"Really?"
"How are you going to do that?"
"That's impossible!"
"No way, you can't make that big of a change, you will regret it".
"Just admit you are stuck with your life and move on."
"Life is miserable, the quicker you accept that the happier you will be."
I am calling for a change. I want to make my job as a counselor obsolete!!
I want to build a world:
Where we are OPEN to hearing other people's dreams
Where we LISTEN with non-judgment and wonder
Where we ENCOURAGE people to dream and scheme and plan.
Where we offer HELP and CURIOSITY rather then help and belittling.
When someone has the guts to share a dream, I want our natural responses to be :
"Wow, that sounds amazing"
"Tell me more"
"That is such a cool idea, how can we make that happen"
"How long have you been dreaming of doing this"
"What are some baby steps you can take to make this happen"
"Do you have any other dreams?"
Do you know the number one reason we DON'T live in this culture right now? Because we are over run with our own fear, doubt and insecurity. Because when someone shares a dream it brings up our own doubts about our life. It makes us feel scared and not enough. Our competitive, nature kicks in and we unconsciously want to knock the other person down--keep them in the same spot we are so we don't have to look at our own dreams and face our own fears. Sounds awful doesn't it? But I believe it is true.
In order to create this world of curiosity and listening we need to check out own fear and doubts. We need to remind ourselves that by encouraging someone else to dream we are also encouraging ourselves to dream. By lifting up another person we are lifting up ourselves!!
Who is in? Who will join me?
Who is willing ask those closest to you (your partner, friends, children, siblings) about their dreams and then build a safe non-judgmental place to grow and develop that dream?
It starts with us making a change in first how we respond to our own fears and then how we respond to their dreams and desires, and someday my job will be obsolete....
What do you think? Do you have people in your life that support you no matter what? How do you do this in your life?
At the end of 2012 (seems so long ago doesn't it) I talked about writing your Wish List for 2012. So today I want to follow that post up with what to do with your Wish List.
I know we are already 8 days into the new year and I am a little late in writing this post and to be honest I debated not doing it. However, I believe that the best way to Live Happier is to live with intention. So even if you have already set your 2013 intentions, this practice will come in handy at some later date. Setting intentions is a fluid process, one that can happen any time of year, not just January 1st. So if you recognize a place in your life where you seek help, solace or a need to change you can always set an intention around it.
As I confessed in my first post of the new year. I struggled a bit with coming up with intentions, goals, etc. And quite amazingly, once I admitted I was struggling. Once I let go of the SHOULD around intentions and resolution. Once I admitted this year is going to be hard and challenging the intentions and wishes flowed pretty easily. I have seen that time and time again with myself and my clients. Release it and it flows. It is when we are holding on to control so hard that we run into trouble.
So, here is the process I go through to set my intentions for the year.
Taking some time to dream about what your want your life to look like. (the wish list idea). Dreaming big. Dreaming without judgement. Dreaming without shame or guilt.
Narrow down all your dreams into your top 3-5.
From those 3-5 wishes, form intentions for the year. Intentions can be actions you want to take, awareness you want to keep in the forefront, changes you want to make, or things you want to eliminate.
Name your intentions in broad terms.
Provide specific steps to continually achieve the broad intentions.
So here is my example after listing off many many wishes, some which were pretty crazy I narrowed my list to these 4 wishes (you can have anything from 3-5 wishes)
Daily conversations with amazing people.
To feel 100% healthy all the time.
To cure my Dad's Parkinson's and my husbands epilepsy
To be 100% authentic and genuine in how I live my life
And from those wishes I made these intentions. For each intention I made a general proclamation and then added specific steps.
To put my health as a higher priority.
Continue working out 3-4 times a week.
Eat less sugar.
Eat more veggies.
Build awareness around eating through anxiety
Continue to spend quality time with my father and my mother.
To learn as much as possible about his disease and how to best help him.
To deal with my stress and struggle as it comes up and face it head on.
To be congruent in how I live my life.
To celebrate whole heartedly that I am turning 40 this year. (even though I am currently struggling with it)
To recognize I am enough and continue to let go of my tendency to people please.
To expand my circle of knowledge and people.
To make more of an effort to connect with my current friends while also adding new ones into my life.
To take more classes in things that interest me, no matter how 'out there' they seem.
I would LOVE to hear some of your wishes or intentions or both. Feel free to share them below or send me an email!
Starting the end of January I am offering a 6 week group which will help you figure out what comes next in your life. The size is limited and it is an exceptional deal!! Interested in getting unstuck in your own life with the support of other like-minded individuals? Get more information here
Happy New Year. I am coming off of a 2 week blog-cation which included an ugly bout with the flu (still have the cough to prove it) and a lot of festivities with family and friends. Life is just now settling down and I am excited to get back into routine and 'normal' (whatever that means) again.
I promised back in 2012 that I would be posting today to discuss the transforming your Wish list into your intentions for the new year. And I promise, I will get to that in a later blog post.
But today I wanted to be a little more transparent; I have been struggling a bit with the new year, resolutions, intentions and dreams. I have been reading Facebook and blogs crammed with hopes and desires for 2013. People dreaming big and sharing their intentions and resolutions and I am oddly struck with nothingness.
I keep asking myself what do I REALLY want for 2013? I keep telling myself I need to have a vision, I need to have a dream, a plan, know what I want to FEEL like or what I want my year to be. I am the Live Happier girl after all, I need to have some intentions for my new year. And I am struck with nothing.
To be perfectly honest, 2013 looks to be a year of transition, a year of watching my dad continue to struggle with Parkinsons and Dementia, a year of watching my mom become a full time caregiver, a year of watching my family system continue to shift and move, a year of dealing with my own health concerns and shifting decades. In summary, a year of pain and sadness.
And yet, I know there will be joy in this year. Moments of laughter and gratitude. Pieces and pockets of smiling and success. But mostly I feel it will be a year of change and challenge. And I know that is ok. Dreams, goals, resolutions don't have to be named. There are years of big dreams and clear pathways and years of shuffling around in the dark for the right way. The BIG VISION might open itself in small, stepping stones of awareness.
And yet, I confess, small stepping stones and baby steps are not necessarily my strong suit. As my nearest and dearest pointed out to me I am always on to the next thing---I wrote an e-course now I need to write a book. I was on TV twice in the past 2 months now I need to do something more. I built up my business and now I need to build it more. MORE MORE MORE.
But at some point I have to say ENOUGH.
I am ENOUGH.
So, I want you to pause. Take a deep breathe and say it with me: I AM ENOUGH.
Right now.
In this moment and always.
I have to ask: what if we are ok as we are? What if we won't be happier in 2013 just by losing weight, making more money or taking more vacations? What if it is deeper than that? Smaller than that? More intentional than that?
What if big sweeping changes aren't the answer? What if it is small, little intentional change that helps us live happier?
Regardless if 2013 is a year of big vision and clear pathways or small stepping stones along dimly lit corridors, in order to Live Happier in 2013 we need to remember that we are enough right now.
When we know we are enough we can move forward with intention not with grasping of the next idea, thing or concept that will make us better, but with knowing that we are just adding to what is already enough.
Here's to 2013 may it be filled with lessons, joy, laughter, and change. May you recognize that regardless of what your new year brings (intentioned or otherwise) you are ENOUGH.
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