Finding Joy in the Midst of Pain.

I am a big fan of story telling--today I am sharing one of my favorites.  The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron tells the story of a woman running away from tigers.  As she runs, the tigers keep gaining on her.  When she comes to the edge of a cliff she sees some vines, so she climbs down and holds on to one of the vines for dear life.  Looking down, she sees tigers below.  Looking to the side, she sees a mouse gnawing at the vine to which she's clinging.  She also sees a beautiful bunch of strawberries, growing out of of the mountain just within her reach. She looks up.  She looks down.  She looks at the mouse.  Then she takes a strawberry. She puts it in her mouth and enjoys it thoroughly.  

Tigers above.  Tigers below.  Mice gnawing at our support system. How often have you felt like that?   The truth is, this is the predicament we all face, when we take time to look deeply.  Each moment could be our last.  We could become depressed or lackadaisical when we ponder this fact.  Or, we could choose to eat the strawberries within reach and delight in the joy of every single moment that we have. 

For me, this story is the crux for living happier.  Because you know what?  Life IS full of challenges, pain, sorrow, and exhaustion.  We are fighting off tigers and staring down mice all the time!  But at the same time life is full of little joys--watching the tricker treaters all dressed up, having a totally spectacular fall season this year, enjoying a glass of wine with a friend, laughing with my mom on the phone, watching a really good movie--I could go on and on.  In reality, I believe there is as much joy in the world as there is pain--sometimes it is just easier to see the pain.  A few years ago, my dad was in the hospital, it was a very scary, stressful time, fortunately he came out just fine.  The experience was full of pain, fear, anger, worry and exhaustion AND it was full of laughter, joy, sharing and love. It was one of the most traumatizing events in my family's history and there were tigers and mice AND berries.   

It takes a lot of focus and awareness to say to yourself "here I hang facing an imminent painful death and rather than fret and stew and panic I am going to reach over and enjoy my last few moments by tasting and enjoying these wonderful berries".   That is the trick, my friend, in the midst of your hectic day, your fear and rage and exhaustion--look around you for the berries and just thoroughly enjoy them!!!

Live Happier Tip: Lessons Learned from My Cat

The other day I was watching my cat, Pooh and I realized--she has the life!  Talk about knowing how to Live Happier!  I was thinking if she knew how to talk, or if I knew how to understand her, I bet she would have some fabulous tips for us on how to Live Happier. So I decided to do a post--an ode to Pooh if you will (don't worry--soon I will be doing an Ode to Mocha my dog).

Pooh's Live Happier Tips:

Speak your needs.   Pooh is not very vocal (one of her finer features I might add) so when she cries it is usually because she needs something.  The two basics are love or food.  I know when she has a need and she has no problems expressing it.  Pooh is not going to sit quietly by while I forget to pet her or feed her--she will let it be known that she is NOT happy whether it be 3am or 3pm.  Pooh has developed the perfect balance--she is neither too needy nor a victim to her life she just speaks her need, and therefore it gets met.

Take care of the basics: eat, sleep, stay clean.  I think my cat would definitely say, keep it simple stupid. The key is in the basics.

Cuddling makes you feel better. Wherever there is a lap Pooh is laying on it.  She immediately knows when I have laid down to take a nap, or when I have sat down to watch TV, even when I am sitting working on my computer.  She has taught me that nothing is as healing as cuddling up and touching a living thing.  She always senses when I am sick or sad and she is there silently letting me know that cuddling heals all wounds.  It is true, we could all use a little more cuddle.

Sometimes you just need to hide. Every now and then Pooh will go into hiding--I will find her in a closet, under the bed or burrowed under the covers.  She has taught me that occasionally you need to shut out the world, cover up and do a little reconnecting with self.  She isn't ashamed or embarrassed or the least bit apologetic when I find her--if anything she is annoyed that I have interrupted her much needed regrouping time.

Be brave from time to time. I live in a house divided--my cat lives upstairs and my dog lives downstairs. This is mostly by Pooh's design.  She is very scared of Mocha.  However, occasionally she will branch out, make her way down the steps and creep across the living room floor for some cuddle time.  I never quite know what inspires this stealth maneuver--but it happens.  Each time it does I am so proud of her.  She is branching out.  Another great lesson, showing the importance of being brave--there is a time to hide and there is a time to branch.

Living with Passion: Somedays

Tomorrow I am teaching a workshop entitled Living Your Passion it is the second seminar in my 3 week series on Living Happier.  So today I thought I would give you a taste of what we will be discussing at that seminar.  Join me tomorrow for a deeper look at living passionately.


One of the keys for living a life of passion is to look at your 'Somedays'.  Somedays are the daydreams you have when you are sitting in a meeting that has gone on too long or you are on a vacation and have the freedom to "dream big". Examples could be backpacking around Europe,  living on a desert island, owning a bed and breakfast, having 5 kids etc.  If it is a Someday, then we don't REALLY have to do it there is no real accountability so it allows us to just let our hearts wander. When we talk about Someday it is safe and it gives us room to dream.


These Somedays hold clues to our passion to what our soul desires.  For example if we say travel to Europe what is intriguing about that—having time to lounge, having adventure, seeing the history of Europe, the romance?  Looking deeper at our dreams for Someday gives us clues to a deeper passion that we can add to our lives now.   Maybe your Someday is living on a deserted island.  Ask yourself: What is intriguing about that? Maybe being alone (if we are surrounded by demands, or people all day) or being in the sun and warmth, or having no responsibilities.  So maybe in the present you can add more ‘time alone’, or plan a warm vacation or give yourself a day of freedom with 'no shoulds', no to-do list just a day of flow.  


A client of mine completed this exercise and after looking deeply at her Somedays she realized that they all had the theme of being alone, having no responsibilities.  She realized that she was bogged down by responsibilities and was always with people.  What her heart was telling her through the Somedays exercise was that she needed a break alone with no responsibilities.  She couldn't run away from home to backpack around Europe (which was the actual Someday) so she decided to implement 2 hours every weekend that was her time to do whatever she wanted.  Her husband had the kids and she was able to play.  Eventually she began adding more time throughout the week that was just hers and she began to feel more passionately about her life. 


So write down your Somedays and then dig down for the real need for which your heart is asking.  Why do I want to do this?  What about this Someday is appealing? Then start brainstorming how you can add the real need to your every day life while still planning for the Someday!!!


If you want more information about Somedays or other exercises on figuring out your passion and living a passionate life join me tomorrow night at Lifetime Fitness at Easton for a seminar on Living with Passion.  So come to Easton, do some shopping, get some dinner and join me!  For more information check out my website.  Looking forward to seeing you!

End Fat Talk Week

This week, October 19th-23rd is National End Fat Talk Week sponsored by the Delta Delta Delta Fraternity.   Unfortunately today is the last day of the End Fat Talk week so I am a little late in my publicity.  But in my opinion we need to make it the End Fat Talk millennium! 

Fat Talk is something that is prevalent in our society. I see it with my female clients, my friends, my family.  We as women have normalized this awful practice of constantly discussing our weight.  How am I going to lose weight? How much weight do I need to lose? What can I do to lose weight?  We describe in detail what we ate, what we shouldn't have eaten, how big our thighs are, etc. 

Keeping in mind the you are enough period theory--this constant fat talk only serves to hurt us as women. To belittle us, make us feel less than and tear bit by bit at our self esteem.  In sum, Fat Talk does not help us, it doesn't make us physically healthier, spiritually more fulfilled or help us live happier.  It merely tears us down.  With all that is going on in our very full lives, children, relationships, global warming, world peace, why are we spending all of our time talking about a subject that serves to destroy our self esteem??

And here before all of you I admit I am guilty of Fat Talk.  This year I decided to build my awareness around how much I engage in Fat Talk and tried to make an effort to stop it. Quite honestly, I have been amazed how much we as women do engage in Fat Talk, at the gym, over coffee, during dinner, at parties, at work, pretty much everywhere.  While I have passively stopped talking about it, I have not been consistent about it. I haven't changed the topic or encouraged my friends to stop talking about it.  So starting today Friday October 23rd, 2009 I pledge to stop engaging, supporting or listening to Fat Talk. I encourage you to join me in this pledge. I know it will help us Live Happier. 

Thanks to the Delta Delta Delta Fraternity for their wonderful website and bringing this important topic to our attention!!!

You are enough. Period

One of my favorite life lessons (and I admit one I am spiraling up on) is the lesson:  I am enough PERIOD!  Not when I am skinny or when I get all A's or when I get married or when I can buy a house or when I am CEO or fill in the blank.  Right now--as you are you are enough. As one of my greatest mentors, Annette Franks would say "you are worthy, lovable, valuable."  Such a lesson: we are unconditionally lovable.  One of my favorite homework assignments is to write these words down and hand them to a client, instructing them to post them near their bed so when they wake up in the morning they see these words, repeat them to themselves and breathe it in.  Breathe in the truth. Inevitably, when I say these words to a client they will not hear me "yeah, yeah" is the general response.  But when I get out of my chair, go to my desk and write the words down in my big sloppy handwriting and hand them to my clients--they get tears in their eyes.  I kid you not, EVERY client I have done this with has gotten teary.  Sometimes I will ask (depending on the client) where the tears come from. Consistently, they will say to me: no one ever said that to me.  Now whether no one has said that to them or whether then never really HEARD it is up for debate.  The point is--it is new information to them.

As it was new to me when I went in to therapy broken, defeated wondering--what the hell am I doing with my life!  And to be honest, I grew up in a pretty fabulous household.  Parents who are still happily married who regularly showed their support and love.  Two older brothers who served as great role models and were typical big brothers.  I had attended a good college, had a decent job, good friendships but I still wondered what was the point. I still woke up at night wondering why am I so unhappy?  Finally I found a good therapist (something even I will admit is a challenge) and she wrote down those words: You are lovable, valuable, worthy period. And I too got teary.  Talk about a wow moment!  That moment changed my life.  I still have the ratty old piece of paper and as I spiral up through that lesson I still look at it.  I don't know why I never heard that message--not saying it wasn't ever said to me--but it didn't sink in.  That piece of the paper was the beginning of me finding self love and recognizing it didn't matter how successful or driven I was--my happiness came from the inside.  I had to love myself to find what was missing.

Hands down the biggest gift we can give ourselves and the world is the regular practice of breathing in the belief I am enough.  When we start giving that gift to ourselves we can then give it to our children and our loved ones.  The gift of letting them know--yep we all make mistakes, we all mess up but at the end of the day--you are valuable, lovable, worthy period.  You are enough just because you are here breathing.  It is powerful, life changing and a definite key to living happier.

Live Happier Tip: View Your Life as a Visitor

This weekend I joined two of my favorite people, my mom and my aunt on a 24 hour marathon trip to attend my cousins baby shower.   I am a big fan of travel.  I love travel because it breaks up the routine and allow me to get a new perspective.  I had a client, who deals with anxiety, explain why she loves traveling.  She said "I love traveling because it is the only time when I don't have to think about my 'to-do' list because I traveling is one giant to-do: TRAVEL.  That is all you have to do, just travel. "

Every now and then a client will say something that just blows me away--that was a reason why I liked traveling too!  Traveling allows you to just pay attention to the small stuff--you aren't worried about the to-do list you are thinking about where to eat your next meal, what the scenery looks like, what your travel companions are saying.  You are looking at the little things.  The secret is in the little things.  For me traveling allows me to see the world with wonder and amazement--but what if I brought that wonder home to my own house.  What if I treated my next meal the way I treat eating while traveling.  Rather than thinking of it as a to-do what if I thought of the most delectable healthy thing I could eat.  What if I observed the leaves changing in my town as much as I did on the east coast?  What if I listened to my friends and aquaintances as much as I listened to my mom and aunt?  What if I became more concentrated on the little things and less about the to-do list.

So when I got home yesterday I decided to try it--to look at my life through the eyes of a visitor.  I looked at my house as I did the bed and breakfast--with new eyes of fascination and appreciation. I ate my meal with excitement and savor. I read my book with full attention and was able to put aside my list of to-dos. And today I relaxed my to-do list mind and greeted the day with wonder and adventure.  I still accomplished a lot but it was less about checking off the to-do and more about the experience.

I will always love travel because it does shake up the normal routine and allows me to see new places.  However it is helpful every now and then to look at your life as if it were some new destination.  To greet the day with wonder and adventure rather than a long list of to-dos. I challenge you to the experiment of viewing your life as a visitor and tell me what you learned.

Life Lessons: the Spiral Up Effect

Life lessons are such a blessing and such a challenge. Sometimes the lesson is simple and sometimes it takes us years to master it. The one thing about life lessons we keep learning more and more until we have them mastered. I love the concept that I call spiraling up.  Spiraling up means we might come back to the lesson and it might FEEL like we are re-learning the same lesson but really we are experiencing it at a new level with a new insight, a new situation, a new challenge.  And then when we have that mastered, we will spiral up to another place.

A client of mine came into see me after her divorce.  She was run down and depleted. In her marriage, she had completely lost herself and had no sense of self and now post marriage she wanted to makes some changes.  We worked together on figuring out what mattered to her, setting boundaries, saying no and developing a strong sense of who she was. She in essence started learning the life lesson: In order to take care of yourself you need to set firm boundaries.   Then she entered a new relationship, and this was a new test.  She had figured out how to set boundaries with friends/acquaintances but this was the next level: a significant relationship.  A few months in to the relationship she came back to see me.  She was very frustrated with herself because she was really struggling with telling him no, not losing herself, keeping her own life, setting boundaries etc.  She said "I thought I had this lesson and now I am re-learning EVERYTHING" and then I reminded her no you are just spiraling up--hitting the lesson at the next level.  Now you have all that you learned before and you are learning how to implement it at THIS level it is a whole new place.  You aren't re-learning you are learning more.  With this new perspective she was able to relax a bit and remember that she knew how to set boundaries, she knew who she was and she wasn't the same woman who had married her first husband.  She just needed to apply that knowledge to this new relationship.  With a little work I am pleased to report it worked!

When you think about life lessons as spiraling up it gives a new perspective.  While we do repeat  lessons, we don't unlearn all we have implemented before.  We repeat the lesson one step up with new perspective, new challenges and new information that we didn't have the last time the lesson came into our lives.  So the next time you have a sense of deja vu when it comes to a life lesson remind yourself you are just spiraling up.

Live Happier Tip: Sleep

I am going back to basics again today for my live happier tip of the week.  Get your sleep.  We are all busy people, jobs, kids, relationships, hobbies, TV shows, lots of stuff we have to do with our time.  Unfortunately in our culture getting your sleep is not something we value.  Sleep is the first thing to go.  We stay up late reading, watching TV, working, cleaning who knows what.

Getting your sleep is invaluable to living happier. It allows your mind and body to regroup.  It gives your body a chance to rejuvenate for the next day.  Sleep is not something that just happens we cannot expect our bodies to go go go all day right up to the moment we lay our heads on the pillow and then expect to get a good nights sleep.  We need rituals and quiet around sleeping.  Most importantly we need to start valuing it.  For many of my friends who all have busy lives it almost becomes a competition on who needs the least amount of sleep. Dr. Rubin Naiman has done a number of studies about the importance of sleep and is a well known expert on it benefits.

I have a client who is chronically sleep deprived--she has 3 children and a spouse and works full time.  She walks into our sessions (no matter what time) with her large coffee and bags under her eyes. We have been talking about self care and getting sleep for many sessions now.  Finally a few weeks ago she said you know what I just don't value sleep I have too many things I would rather get done.  So I challenged her that IF she got more sleep she would accomplish more and her life would be richer.  She did not believe me but accepted the challenge. Ideally I would have had her take three nights to get as much sleep as she needs.  To allow her to go to sleep at the same time each night and wake up naturally, without an alarm. This would enable her body to reset and allow her to figure out how much sleep she really needed.  However, being the mother of 3 children and working full time she did not have the time for that activity. We agreed she would go to sleep at the same time each night (at least within an hour of the same time) and try to get between 7-8 hours a night for two weeks.  When she came back in she was not carrying a coffee and the bags had dissipated.  She was smiling from ear to ear and said you were right--I haven't felt this good in years.  I am able to focus at work and be present with my kids I am not obsessed with thinking about how exhausted I am or how to wake up or drinking coffee.  She said she was amazed at the amount of time she use to think about sleep!

I am please to report--she has continued to keep up her sleep habits.  She and her husband have established a ritual around going to sleep and once the kids go to bed they dim the lights, fix a hot beverage, and start winding down to get ready for sleep. She said just having the lights dimmed and knowing that it is quiet time has helped her body ease into sleep.  In the past, once the kids went to bed  she shifted into high gear: working on the computer, cleaning the house, running from activity to activity.  Now she might engage in the same activities but at a slower less intense pace and she has made a commitment to herself that at 10pm she is to be preparing for bed.

Sleep is about a commitment, it is about rituals and it will help you live happier.

WOW Moments

There is a lot of talk about living in the present moment, staying grounded, being aware etc.  As you know from reading my blog I am a big fan of awareness myself--and believe it is the foundation of any major change.  I am also a big believer that becoming present or aware is a process--one that takes time.  Unfortunately it isn't something where we just decide--today I am going to be aware and not worry about my future or obsess about my past and poof it happens!  I believe that living in the present moment is a continuum and it starts with wow moments.

Unfortunately most of us are walking around totally cut off from our bodies--we are living in our heads all the time--obsessing about our to do list or 'what iffing' about our future we aren't really paying attention to what is happening around us or what we are thinking, feeling or needing.

Every now and then we have a wow moment--a moment that really stands out and hits you like a Mack Truck.  These moments really speak to your soul.  They can consist of a beautiful sunset, a holiday event, having an anniversary, being on vacation etc.  These moments are out of our 'normal world'.  So even if we are living in our heads most of the time when we experience a wow moment we become grounded in the present and are able to drop down into our bodies.  During these wow moments time tends to stand still we can describe in detail what it looks like, smells like, feels like. We are completely present.

For example, I can remember in 7th grade--my mom sent me balloons for my birthday.  A huge boutique of balloons that I can picture in detail, I can remember where I sat in class when I got them and having them tied to the back of my chair, I can remember walking through the halls carrying my balloons. I can remember how special I felt to have received balloons from my mom.  That was a wow moment for me.  It sticks with me even decades later.

So pay attention to your life and think about what are the wow moments? What are the moments that really stand out for me, where I was really present to what was happening?  What did they feel like? Describe them, re-live them.  The more we pay attention to our wow moments--the more we know what it feels like to be in the present moment--the more we can practice getting out of our heads and being present to our worlds.

The beauty is that as we become more aware of our present and the 'moments' in our life--we will notice these wow moments happen all the time:  As you are reading your child a bed time story, when a friend calls you with good news, enjoying a cup of coffee, having a really good conversation with a friend, taking a walk on a crisp autumn morning, when your partner comes home and gives you a hug, when a co-worker gives you a compliment.

So enjoy your wow moments and pay attention to how often they happen this week.  Because as we look for wow moments in our day to day life our worlds open up and become much more vibrant and colorful.  Noticing these moments will help you live happier.

Permission to Play

Yesterday I decided to take the day off and go hiking.  I have been wanting to go hiking for awhile and so I cleared my schedule and grabbed my dog Mocha and off we went.  I have a tendency to not plan well but this trip I remembered to pack a lunch, my camera, and water for me and my dog.  I also have a tendency to be pretty intense about my hike--my mission for this hike was to get away, clear my head, enjoy the scenery, take some good photos and basically have the afternoon to play.  However, as I started the hike I noticed I was going at break neck pace and my mind was racing...Was I going fast enough? Was I burning any calories? Did I pick a trail that was too long? What if someone saw my dog was off-leash? (illegal in this area--but I did put her on leash whenever we walked near people!!).  Fortunately about 15 minutes in I became aware of this behavior and realized, this is my afternoon to play, this is not my afternoon to worry or get a workout or be timely.  This is my afternoon to wander, to look around, to watch my dog run with abandon through the trees and smell every fabulous scent she could find.  I realized I had to give myself permission to play.

At first I was a little sad, permission to play!?  I thought how sad is that I need permission?!?!  But then I realized I do, I need permission to put aside my to do list, my calendar, my workout and just play.  And play I did, I jumped in streams, I checked out woolly worms, I stopped by a lake and ate my lunch, I took 100s of pictures of the beautiful changing trees, I played for 4 blissful hours.

So many times in our lives we plan a vacation, plan a party, plan a fun event and we get lost in the worry.  We get lost in the stress of the planning and we miss the moment of fun.  We miss the play part.  To live happier we need to include the play.  So my challenge to you is give yourself permission to play, whatever that means for you, swing on a swing, blow bubbles, laugh until your belly hurts, just play.

How do you play?  Let me know what you do when your give yourself permission to play?

*******************************

For More Information on me and my services--check out my website:  www.NancyJaneSmith.com

Self Care is NOT Selfish

If I had a dollar for every time I say to a client--self care is not selfish I would be able to retire to a beach somewhere.  Unfortunately, especially as women we have not been taught the beauty of self care.  In my practice, self care is the first homework assignment I give my clients.  They need to pick what 'soothes their soul' whether it be a hot bath, reading a good book, journalling, walking, a good conversation with a good friend, writing, a movie etc.  I usually give women the permission to have 30 minutes of self care as their homework.  I am consistently amazed at the number of women who return to my office unable to complete the homework--worksheets, yes, self care no.  Frequently it is because they don't know how to do self care--one client took a bath and spent the whole time scrubbing the mud from her farm off her hands. Yes, while that is taking care of one self it is not SELF CARE.

Over the past few months I have been working with a teenage client who struggles with being the 'counselor' in her circle of friends-she is the one that everyone comes to--the one who will listen and worry and be there for you if you are having a problem.  She, not surprisingly, is pretty popular--she is also suffering from anxiety.  Recently her anxiety started dropping, she started standing up for herself, not taking on the drama, recognizing when her bucket was getting empty and making changes accordingly.  Unfortunately while she felt better, less anxious, more focused and happier, she felt very guilty.  I said to her it is ok to be selfish and she looked at me like I had 3 heads.  WHAT!?!?  she cried--I can't be selfish.  I said taking care of yourself, having good boundaries, saying NO, saying I don't need to justify that, or defend that action, is healthy.  I don't think she believes me yet--but fortunately she is seeing that having good boundaries and putting herself first is allowing her to have more quality people in her life--people that really care about her and vice vera.  People that aren't just using her for her ability to listen or to be the caretaker.  I call these people the globbers because they tend to glob onto our energy, our time, our lives. They aren't there to help us or add to our lives they are there to take away.

How do you take care of yourself?  How do you make sure your bucket stays full?  Do you take time for  hot baths, reading a good book, getting a massage, walking outside, talking with a good friend, journalling, writing, drawing, listening to music, meditating, laughing out loud, saying no to things you don't want to do, or just saying yes to things you want to do.  Let me know!   By sharing you are helping us all learn the power of self care.

*******************************

For More Information on me and my services--check out my website:  www.NancyJaneSmith.com

Live Happier Tip: Gratitude--Name Your 5 Things

I have to admit after last week and the barrage of negative voices--gratitude has been my theme for the weekend.  So I decided to include gratitude as my Live Happier tip for this week.  Gratitude is such a wonderful thing and something unfortunately, easy to overlook. We are quick to name what we need, what's missing, what's wrong. Rarely do we name or concentrate on what we are grateful for.

So this week's Live Happier Tip is: End your day saying the 5 things you are grateful that happened that day.  I am big fan of rituals and this is one I added to my nightly routine a few years ago.  So before you fall asleep--think back on your day and rather than naming all the things you didn't get done or all the people that annoyed you or all the things you have to do tomorrow--list the 5 things for which you are most grateful.  Some days it will be as simple you are grateful the day is over or you are grateful you are lying in your bed.  Other days it will be more powerful you are grateful your teenage daughter gave you a hug first thing this morning, you are grateful your husband made dinner, you are grateful you were able to finish a really good book.

When I first started, my list was pretty basic, I was grateful for breathing, a good meal, a good conversation.  At times, I admit, it was difficult to come up with 5 especially as I started doing it nightly.  Gradually, rather then just reflecting back on the day, I started paying attention and noticing in the moment (ah awareness!!!)  experiences/conversations/people for which I was grateful.   Then I would make a mental note to add that event to my top five list.  Now my list is frequently longer than five so I get to spend my time remembering the 10 things I am grateful for and me being the organizer that I am (and a bit of an insomniac) I can narrow it down to my top 5.

So this tip has an extra bonus because it will help insomnia!  I use to struggle a lot with insomnia--shutting off my brain /my to do list--but I admit since adding this ritual sleep has gotten a lot easier.  I end my day feeling grateful and my to do list takes second fiddle to the joy I am feeling--what a way to go to sleep!!  This tip has definitely helped me Live Happier.

*******************************

For more information on me and my services--check out my website:  www.NancyJaneSmith.com

Shutting off the Negative Voice

Last night I was having dinner with one of my best friends and we were doing the usual processing/venting/ sharing of our lives.  We hadn't had time to get together for awhile so there was MUCH to catch up on.  As we were talking, a common theme developed which was the way we talk to ourselves.  As my friend said isn't it amazing I would never talk to you that way yet I talk to myself like that all the time.  And I immediately thought (as I have a tendency to do these days) that would be a great blog post!

It is true--that little tiny voice in the back of our heads comes out and can just hammer us "you aren't good enough, thin enough, efficient enough, caring enough, tough enough, organized enough on and on and on".  And if we aren't aware of it that voice can quietly mutter all day long how terrible, weak, and pathetic we are until the mutter becomes like a megaphone and we just believe everything it says.  We would NEVER talk to our friends or our loved ones that way yet frequently we allow it to just hang out in our brain beating us down.

Fortunately my voice over the years has gotten quieter.  I can remember there was a time when I would feel like I was living with camera's in my house--everything was up for criticism: how late I slept, how clean my house was, how I chose to spend my time, how I looked, what I wore, who I talked to etc. I have become more aware of her (my voice is a her) and try to catch her before she gains too much influence.   However in the interest of full disclosure, this week my little voice has been out in full force just hammering away.  I heard her  talking earlier in the week and tried to shut her down but I didn't really focus on her until last night at dinner.  As I was expressing how I felt and what I was thinking my friend was able to say "whoa what's up with that negativity?" and I realized WOW--that little voice has gained some serious momentum.  What had started as maybe a 'helpful' hint or two had ended up being a full blown attack on my self esteem.

There are 1000 theories as to why we have that voice, some say it is our ego, or fear, or just a negative voice.  I am not here to debate why it is here I am here to decrease some of her power.  So as with anything (you might get sick of me saying it--but it is SO true) it starts with awareness.  We have to be aware of that little voice and the fact that she is talking smack. At first we might not notice her until we are talking to someone and we start using her language or maybe we notice how we physically feel.  I usually notice her because I feel more on edge I am more snappish with my friends/significant others because I feel defensive and hostile.  I notice I am more insecure, more scared, more grouchy.  For you those feelings might be different--the key is to figure out what they are.  When your voice is talking to you do you get sad?  scared? angry? feel tension in your neck? your stomach?  All those things will help you bring awareness to her.  Once you know she is there you can call her out. I just speak right to her and let her know I am done listening and for a time she quiets down.

Sometimes your awareness comes later--like me this week--she had been going all week long and I had just let her run amuck.  So today I decided I need to take some action.  I sat down and I wrote two lists:  one all the things in my life I am grateful for and two all the things I love about myself and my life.  WOW--what a fabulous list--fortunately it was long and lovely.  I just sat there reading in all the wonderful things I have in my life and I immediately felt better and the monster that had been pecking at me all week lost her power.

My challenge to you is start noticing that voice.  Unfortunately we can't get rid of the voice forever, it comes back from time to time so you have to be vigilant.  Pay attention to how you feel when you hear her/him.  Pay attention to when he/she occurs. Don't let her/him run around in your head unchecked.  Call her out.  Sit her down and show her who's in charge here.  It will help you Live Happier.

Doing The Best We Can With What We Have

I am a big fan of the quote "we are doing the best we can with what we have".  From my internet research, I have found this is a Zig Ziglar quote.  He uses it to motivate people to achieve success.  In my practice and my life, I use it as a way to understand myself and other people.   Usually people aren't trying to hurt us by doing something different than we would.  They are just doing the best they can. Based on their past coping skills, personality traits, life stress their reaction/action probably makes sense.  It might not be our reaction or one that feels good to us but it is a logical reaction based on who this person is.  So by repeating this phrase it allows me to give them a little room to be who they are and to not take the action personally.

 I have a friend who when he gets overwhelmed from the world he shuts off his cell phone--so you can't reach him no matter how hard you try--he may do this for a few hours or a few days.  From time to time I take this act personally--I mean he should want to talk to ME I am one of his best friends? But really it has nothing to do with me--it is his coping skill it is him doing the best he can with what he has.   For him when he gets overwhelmed he needs to shut out the outside world and he does that by turning off his phone.  It is how he takes back control.  It isn't what I do--in fact it is the opposite of what I do. But when I can pause and remember he is doing the best he can with what he has--I am able to move on without getting hurt or sad and I know he will call when he feels like re-engaging with the world.

A more serious example,  I had client who was struggling with her sister because her sister had done something that hurt the family and they were having a hard time forgiving her.  Her family hadn't spoken to the sister in a few years and my client was experiencing a lot of grief, frustration and anger. When she pulled back and looked at the whole picture in the context of who her sister was (personality traits, family placement, coping skills) it wasn't that big of a stretch to see why she had engaged in the negative/hurtful behavior.  At the time she was doing the best she could with what she had--as was my client.  Once my client was able to see this she began to start the process of healing and moving forward.  It didn't change the fact that my client felt hurt by her sister or take away her sister's responsibility for the behavior.  But it did help my client pull back from the emotions to see that her sister's behavior wasn't meant to be intentional so she could move towards forgiveness rather than holding on to the hurt.

We are all just doing the best we can with what we have--most of us try very hard to be good people and make good decisions.  And we are all human, we all make mistakes, we all at one point or another have poor coping skills, poor response skills, poor conflict skills, poor listening skills.  But the secret is to have a little curiosity and ask yourself in the context of who this person is are they doing the best they can with what they have?  I swear by pulling back and asking this question it will help you Live Happier.