I'll Be Happy When Syndrome

It is a common struggle to say to ourselves "I will be happy when (fill in the blank)", when the kids sleep through the night, when I am in a relationship, when I lose 30 lbs, when I have a baby, when I own a house, when I love my job, when I retire, when I am on vacation.  The list can go on and on and on.  I often make the joke that when you are single every one asks when are you going to find someone--once you find that special someone the question is when are you getting married--and then when are you having a child and then when are you going to have another.  It is a dangerous trap to always be looking to the future for happiness.  The temptation to plan for the future is all around us.  If we aren't happy now then there is always the future.

It is my belief as with everything in the world--it is about balance.  Balancing being in the now--enjoying the change of seasons and the fact that as I write this post my dog is curled up next to me on her cozy fresh out of the laundry warm bed--but also planning ahead for the future, making marketing plans or thinking about where I want to be in 5 years.  Both of those are important.  It is important to have dreams and look towards the future but not at the expense of the present.  Frequently clients come in to my office so focused on what they don't have and stuck in 'all be happy when' syndrome that they miss their children growing or the joy they get from their friends or the happiness they find in their job.  One of my first roles as a therapist is to help someone engage in their present while making the necessary changes for their future. I admit sometimes we have to really LOOK to find the joys in our lives and sometimes they are pretty small.  I guarantee they are out there.  Even if it is noticing the change of seasons, enjoying a good cup of coffee, laughing with a friend, smiling at your children.  Small joys are everywhere and pull us out of the "I'll be Happy When Syndrome".

The ironic thing is many time when the "When" happens it brings other problems.  When we find a relationship we have to learn how to be in relationship when we have a child we have to learn how to raise a child, when we get the dream job we have to learn how to do it.  Unfortunately, there is no magic bullet in life there is no magical "When".  We won't necessarily be happier WHEN something happens.  So the key is to be striving for our future have goals/have purpose AND enjoy your present.  Don't miss out on the joys and happiness you have right now in your search for the "When".  Live Happier Now.

Live Happier Tip: Drink Water

Last week I ran into a friend of mine who has attended a few of my seminars.  She said she had been reading my blog and had noticed that I hadn't put up her favorite tip of mine--drink water.  I was a little shocked because to me this tip seems pretty boring.  But I admit that frequently people share that this tip has really helped them feel better and live happier.  So I decided to include it as this week's live happier tip:  Drink Water.

There is much debate about how much water we should drink--I know you have seen those giant containers that hold 64oz of water because we are suppose to drink 8-8oz glasses of water.  However, as with most things it is my belief that we just need to listen to our bodies.  I personally--drink more than 64 oz of water a day.  Water just makes me feel better. I know when my head gets fuzzy, I feel tired/sluggish, I am hungry usually I just need water.  I wake up every morning and drink a large glass of water and I immediately feel more awake.  It has been said that most of us walk around dehydrated because we aren't drinking enough water--we think we are hungry or tired when really we are just thirsty.

As with any new addition to our lives--we need to establish rituals around it.  So maybe if you aren't a water drinker you need to make a ritual that you will drink a large glass of water before every meal or every morning you will drink water before your cup of coffee.  As you start adding times to drink water into your life--pay attention to how your body feels before and after you take a drink. I guarantee you will feel better.

Make it fun--drink it out of a fancy glass, or add flavoring like a lemon or crystal light or mint. Most importantly pay attention to the beauty of water--to how your body feels when you add this easy, economical gift to your life. I guarantee you will live happier.

Life Balance--How Full is Your Bucket?

I love the power of analogy. In that vein, let's think of your life energy as a bucket of water.   All of us have a bucket of water and the goal is to keep the water at about the same level.  The water that comes in is from the activities/people that give to us,  that feed our souls and lift us up (e.g. supportive family and friends, hobbies, joyful events etc.).  The water that goes out is to the activities/people that we give to (e.g. our job, our kids, our responsibilities etc.).  So if we have a good balance between the things that give to us (water in) and the things we give to (water out) our water bucket stays about the same level.

The key is paying attention to our bucket and noticing when it is getting too low.  When it is too low that means we either need to find a way to add water or we need to cut back on the water that is going out. As with everything the key is awareness.  With women in particular, this exercise is a challenge.  As I have said before, many of my female clients walk around with a very low amount of water in their bucket.  One of my client stated she always just had the belief that her bucket was smaller so she didn't need as much water as everyone else--a common belief but not true.  We all have the same size buckets and we all need to be paying attention to how full it is.  Water in water out--energy in energy out.

 A few years ago I had a very full social life--I had dinner plans every night and was always 'out' doing something.  I was single at the time and had the belief that I couldn't just sit at home (even though I secretly longed for it) I had to get out there and be social.  Then one day I realized--I am not really enjoying these dinners--overall they were just a water drain.  Most of the time the dinner was just a chance for the person to get free counseling.  So I was spending all day working and draining my water and then my during evenings having more water drained. My bucket was empty.  As with most people once I had the awareness I decided to make some changes and cut out all the plans with people that weren't adding to my water bucket and began engaging in activities and with people that added to my bucket.  What a difference!!  Talk about living happier!!

My challenge to you--how full is your bucket?  Are there activities that you engage in that drain too much of your water?  What are the activities/people that could add more water to your bucket? What changes do you need to make to maintain your bucket's water level?

Are Women Less Happy?

Because my primary focus as a counselor is on happiness and women I have been intrigued by a recent study that was published earlier this year about those 2 topics. According to research done by Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers--women's happiness has decreased.  Since 1972, each year, scientists have asked men and women to rank their happiness on a scale from 1 to 3 (3 being happiest).  This research shows that over the past 37 years women have decreased in happiness while men have increased.  Needless to say this has sparked a fire storm of debate.  At the Huffington Post there has been two recent articles on the subject which I have found particularly interesting one from a male perspective discussing the findings and one from a female perspective countering the findings.   As with any research, there is always room for arguments:  women are more intouch with their feelings therefore they answer more honestly then men, women in the 70s had simpler lives therefore they were happier (before you fire off comments at me--I have taken these arguments from the above mentioned articles)

The interesting thing to me is what all these articles have sparked, what thousands of books have been written about and what I continually discuss in my practice and with my friends is:  What does it mean to be HAPPY?  Is happy something that one we find we never lose?  Is happy something we can rate across the board or does it depend on the day/week/hour?

In my practice I talk about Live Happier--not FINDING your happiness, not BE happy.  I believe living happier is a balance between gratitude for what we have in the present and a purpose/passion for our future.   Living Happier is about striving for that balance on a daily basis. Unfortunately in my experience many of the women I see have lost that balance--they are doing too much for other people and have lost the ability to do for themselves.  I am not saying that wasn't true in the 70s but in my experience with female clients they are doing for others at work AND at home and they have lost sight of their purpose/passion.  They are pulled in a thousand directions and have lost the ability to see themselves and what might on a day to day basis make them happier.

I am not saying women have it harder then men or arguing the validity of this research.  However, what this research and the subsequent debate has made me realize--that as a population of people (men and women) we need to be working together and making living happier a priority so that next year when this survey is complete BOTH men and women are Living Happier.

What do you think?? Are Women Less Happy?

Live Happier Tip: Name Your Values

This weekend a friend of mine and I were watching the movie City Slickers.  In the movie Billy Crystal and his friends have gone on a vacation to a ranch to drive cattle.  While there he meets an old cowboy named Curly (Jack Palance).  My favorite scene in the movie is when Billy and Jack are talking about the meaning of life.  Jack says 'you know what the secret to life is?" and he holds up his finger.  Billy says "your finger" and Jack says "no one thing, once you figure that out nothing else matters (he said it a little more cowboyesque so I edited it)  Billy says "what's the one thing and Jack says "thats what you have to figure out".

I remember seeing that clip in the theater and thinking ONE THING?!?!  That is just too hard to come up with one thing!   It is my belief that we need to figure out what our thing is whether that be one thing or five things.  I do believe we need to put a limit on it at some point just for the sake of focus.  Once we figure out our top five things than we can direct our lives and our life decisions around those five things.

For me the easiest way to do this is to look at our top five values. When we are aware of our values then we have a core place to work from, when we are making life choices.

Here are a few examples:

Let's say you value family and that is in your top 5 values then you will make decisions that allow you to support/spend more time with your family.  If you value social change you will make every day choices that inspire social change, through the clothes you wear the, the websites you go to the products you use etc.  If you value creativity than you probably engage in activities that feed your artistic side whether that be drawing, painting, idea developing or writing.

The glitch comes when we value something but we aren't making choices around it.  For example, you value family but you are working all the time so you miss important family events. Or you value creativity but you never give yourself time to be engage in artistic activities.

I believe--like Curly did in the movie City Slickers--when we come up with our one thing (or 5) it makes it easier to focus on what's important in our lives.   Therefore the small every day choices or the big life decisions become easier because we can always go back to the question what do I value?  When we are living from our values--we are living happier.

For a list of values check out my website, click here.

I will be presenting more on this topic during my Live Happier series this fall. Check out my website for more information.

The Power of Language With Yourself

Words are extremely powerful and not just in how we talk to others. How we talk to ourselves can effect our mood, our goals, and our motivation. A few years ago, I started making small changes in how I used language in my every day life and I was amazed at the difference it made in my thoughts and emotions. Below are just a few examples of changes I have implemented.

But vs And: Over the past few years, I have implemented this change in how I talk and it has made a big difference in how I perceive situations. When we use the term but--we in essence negate everything we said before the but. For example, I really want to workout today BUT I have to get this report done. What that is saying is I don't really want to work out--when you add the but only one of the items can be true. Just notice how it changes when you say I really want to workout today AND I have to get this report done. By adding the and both items are true. When we use the term 'and' you give the possibility for both to happen. Another example: "I think your hair looks great BUT I liked it better short" Which sounds like a veiled insult versus "I think your hair looks great AND I liked it better short". Both are statements are true. Using the AND puts a natural pause in the sentence and allows both statements to have their space.

Yet: This word is one of my favorite additions to my vocabulary. Usually when we are talking about something we haven't done (and want to do) or a goal we want to accomplish we say I can't run 3 miles or I am not a successful attorney or I am not SEO savvy. When we add the term yet to these phrases it gives them hope, it gives them wings. So even if we aren't doing it now, in the future we will accomplish these goals. I can't run 3 miles yet (I will be able to in 6 months) I am not a successful attorney yet (I will be in if I keep working at it) I am not SEO savvy yet (I will be after I do more research).

You make me feel: A friend of mine pointed this one out to me recently when I said it to him 'you make me feel anxious and he looked at me and said I can't MAKE you feel anything. It was an old lesson for me but a good one. When we use the phrase "you make me feel" a certain way--we are taking away our own power, our responsibility, our emotions. We are basically saying we have no control over how we feel and that someone else can manipulate our feelings. In reality, no one can make us feel a certain way--we have control over how we feel and how we react. We can take responsibility for how we feel by saying "I feel sad because I didn't go to the party". Using I statements takes away the blame and puts the responsibility back on us as individuals to understand and care for our emotions.

Do you have any examples of how language use has made a difference in your life?

The Power of Language in Relationship

Over the years I have become more focused on the power of our words. Not only in the words we say but how we say them. Ironic that yesterday's post was about expressing your emotions because yesterday was a day of conflicts. It seemed like every person I talked to yesterday whether they be a friend or a client was struggling with a major conflict in their relationship. The one theme these conflicts seemed to have was not fighting fair. There were many 'below the belt' comments, threats of leaving the relationship, and just general nastiness.

When we are engaged in a conflict with our loved ones--unfortunately many times all decorum goes out the window, the gloves come off and we have a no holds barred fight. Each time we brawl like that, tiny breaks happen in the foundation of the relationship. This is suppose to be the one person in the world I love more than any other, this is suppose to be my 'safe place to fall' (to quote Dr. Phil), this is the person whom I have decided to give my heart to--so why am I talking to them with such venom and hatred?

It is one of life's mysteries that the person we love the most/feel safest with is also the person we can treat the poorest. The most important thing when it comes to relationships and conflict is you need to set some ground rules for fighting fair. No ultimatums, no threats and most importantly no personal attacks. We may be just saying the words in the heat of the moment--but words hurt our partner and our relationship.

Pay attention to how you speak to your partner--not just when you are engaged in a conflict but when ever you are with them. If I was a fly on the wall at your house--would I know from your conversations that this person is one of the most important people in your life? Or do you use passive aggressive digs, sarcasm, threats, ultimatums when talking to your partner? Remember the power of language--and just as positive words can build you up negativity can tear you down.

For more of my tips on Managing Conflict in a Healthy Way--click here to check out the 'free stuff' area of my website.

Live Happier Tip: It's Not Just About Thinking Positive

Today's live happier tip might seem a little counter intuitive. But in my opinion one of the biggest myths is that in order to live happier you have to ALWAYS be positive. Now don't get me wrong I think positive thinking goes a long way in helping us get out of a rut or get through a challenging time. But there is a difference between being positive and running from the negative.

Sometimes life is hard, it is challenging, we have bad days, we hear bad news, we feel sad or angry or like we want to scream at the tops of our lungs with frustration. In order to live happier--we have to FEEL those emotions. Not stuff them down with 'positive thinking' but face them. These emotions can build to the point they become like a giant monster chasing after us. Unfortunately it is a human reaction to keep running--meanwhile the monster gets bigger and bigger and we become more and more frustrated with trying to out run it with our positive thinking. When we stop and turn around and let ourselves face the monster--allowing the grief, anger or sadness to be expressed the monster will shrink before our eyes and we can live happier.

Whether it be a transition from a break-up, the loss of a parent, becoming an empty nester, having our first baby, or losing a job. Life throws us curve balls that are just hard--and it takes more than positive thinking to get through them. First, it takes crying, venting, screaming and a genuine expression of the emotions we are feeling. Then we need to 'pull ourselves up out of bed' or off the couch and start putting the pieces back together --through the support of our friends, family and even a little positive thinking we will get through it. But the beauty is allowing yourself to think positively AND experience the 'negative' emotions as they come up.

So the next time you are frustrated with work or sad about losing a partner or a parent--let it out FEEL that frustration, cry those tears, face the emotional monster and then you will be able to move through the negativity and live happier.

The Question Isn't What's Next--It's How Do I Get There.

The rest of this week I am heading off with my nearest and dearest for a short vacation.  So I have reached back into the archives to share some of my oldies but goodies while I am gone! Enjoy!! This was originally posted in April 2010.

Frequently, I have clients who come to see me in the middle of a life transition. They have a number of decisions to make and don't know how to chose. Recently I had a client, Tess*, who was debating what she wanted to do next in her career. She had gone to college then to law school and had worked her way up in a law firm. She was making good money, working long hours and only somewhat enjoyed job. So she came in to see me wondering what's next.

Most people in transition, especially career transition, want a magical answer to come externally--they want a test or a therapist to tell them what they SHOULD be doing next. Usually this is because they have been so beaten down or discouraged by the decisions they have made so far they don't trust themselves. Ironically, as with Tess, the decisions they have made to this point have been made because of external influences--maybe she took a career test in college or a professor said she would make a great lawyer. The one thing she hadn't done was listen to herself. So in one of our first sessions she came in feeling very anxious and was spinning about what to do next and I just asked her "what do you want to do?" and she just looked at me, her face lit up and said "I want to work with children who have been abused". And I said "Ok, let's work on that" and she looked at me startled.

It is my theory that it isn't that we don' t know what to do next it is that we are scared to say it out loud. In the quiet moments, we can hear our intuitive selves tell us what we want to do but we are scared of admitting it, of failure, of being laughed at, of a million other things. However, we waste A LOT of time spinning on the WHAT rather then facing the fear and moving to the HOW.

So Tess and I began working on the HOW--we started small with just getting her comfortable with the dream--talking about it in session and then talking about it with some safe friends and then slowly exploring how she could accomplish the dream. It was a process, but now Tess is working in a job she loves and is living happier.

We spend a lot of time in the 'what's next' place because it is safe to stay there, it doesn't require anything but a mental debate. I believe we intuitively know what's next we are just scared to face it. We need to slowly start engaging with ourselves, facing the fear (either with friends, family or a therapist) and using baby steps move towards the how.

My question to you: Where in your life do you getting stuck spinning on the "what's next?" rather than slowly facing the fear of "how do I get there?"

*Name and details have been changed to maintain confidentiality

How Living Happier Saves Money

Due to the poor economy (which hopefully is improving soon), there is much talk about saving money. It got me thinking about how living happier can actually help us save money. So here are my top 3 ways living happier can help us save money.

Happiness Come in Simple Things

When we are living happier we tend to notice the simple things and don't have the need to spend a lot of money to entertain ourselves. Happiness comes from an evening on the porch watching our children play, or playing games as a family rather than going to the movies and spending a small fortune. Recently a group of my friends were hanging out and decided to play the old standard game of UNO. It was the most fun I have had in a lot time. Laughing, sharing and best of all cheap!

Don't Need to Fill the Void

When we are living happier we are living from our genuine selves. As issues and conflicts come up we face them head on and deal with them rather than stuff them down with food or alcohol. By learning how to live happier we are less likely to go outside of ourselves and look to outside sources which ultimately harm us to find happiness. When we are living happier we learn all good things come in moderation and lose the need to eat, drink or smoke too much.

Need Less Stuff

Through living happier, we realize happiness doesn't come when we find the perfect big screen or the best car. Happiness comes from within--not from buying more stuff. So when we live happier we are able to decrease our spending on frivolous items. Don't get me wrong--I definitely enjoy my big screen HD TV--but it doesn't complete my life or fill a void. When we look for things outside of ourselves to fill us up--it is like filling a bottomless pit. By living happier we have less of a need to buy stuff for the sake of acquiring more stuff.

There you have it! When we live from a happier places, we naturally are living simpler which means we are spending less money.

Do you have any other ideas--how does Living Happier ultimately save money? Please share.

Live Happier Tip: The Three Reasons Theory

Today I am sharing one of my favorite live happier tips! It doesn't come from any books or professors--it actually comes from my mom. It was a piece of advice that she gave to me when I was in high school that I use frequently with myself and with my clients.

Her wise advice was: when someone does something that hurts your feelings think of 3 reasons why they might be doing that behavior that have nothing to do with you. For example, someone doesn't return your phone call right away--our first response might be they are angry at me, or they don't want to talk to me. But it could be 1. they are really busy 2. they are having a bad day and don't want to talk to anyone 3. they didn't get your message.

The cool thing about this trick is that it immediately takes the focus away from our ego. It is a human tendency to either make everything about us or to sit in judgment of the other person. So by coming up with the 3 reasons we allow our mind to be open to other possibilities for the behavior.

One of my favorite stories that illustrates this point is: A father is on the subway and his children are running around screaming and yelling and he is doing nothing. The man sitting next to the father is really annoyed--how can he just let his kids run around like monkeys? Why isn't he disciplining them? He must be a really bad parent. Finally the father turns to the guy next to him and says "We just left the hospital--their mother just died and I don't think they know how to handle it--I don't know how I am going to handle it" And immediately the guy next to him has compassion. His first response was judgment--it never occurred to him to think of other possible explanations than the fact that the father was just a bad dad.

Try it and see-I guarantee it will change your first response and help you look at things a little differently therefore decreasing hurt feelings and arguments--and who doesn't want to do that?!?!

Behold the Power of Drama

Ah Drama! If I did a poll of 100 people--98% of them would say they strongly dislike drama. So why does it still exist? Why do we get caught up in our friends drama, or even from time to time manufacture our own? You know what I mean, when we start obsessing about an innocent conversation we had with our partner and by the end of the day have turned it into a major issue, or we listen to our friend go on and on about a 'look' their boss gave them and how that look means they are going to get fired!

As much as it is annoying and we claim to hate it drama is so easy to get trapped in. It is like the Hoover vacuum of communication before you know it you are sucked in.

So what is it's appeal, you ask? Drama gives us something exciting to talk about (albeit most of the time it is totally fabricated) and similar to TV or a movie it allows us to disengage from the reality of our lives and focus on the production in our heads.

However we can't stay in this imaginary world--so really all drama does is increase our anxiety about an event that isn't really happening and disengages us from the events in our life that DO need our attention. For example, a client of mine recently realized that rather than deal with her father's recent life altering health diagnosis she was making up drama with her partner. So in essence rather than dealing with her father's health and the anxiety that comes with that in a healthy way (e.g. talking to friends and family, meditation, exercise) she was disengaging and channeling her anxiety into picking fights and making up issues with her partner.

By avoiding drama we can start engaging in the reality of our lives and start facing real issues: dealing with our anxiety, looking at the areas that need our attention, loving our friends and family and being grateful for the fabulous parts of our lives.

So my challenge to you in the next week--just notice when you get stuck in the drama and have some curiosity about why it is appealing to you and what areas of your life might you be trying to avoid?

Good News: Happiness Increases with Age

During one of my many internet searches this week, I stumbled upon this interesting article about happiness: Happiness Keeps Growing.

There were 3 main tidbits that hit me while reading this article.

One: Research shows that older folks are happier because they simple don't put up with as much negative stuff as the rest of us. Whether because of wisdom of age, or lack of time and a focus on priorities--this group of people has learned not to get stuck in the negative. As the writer says this group has gained more 'emotional control' so they limit the stress and negativity in their lives. What a great lesson for any age group!!

Two: The article goes on to state that one of the reasons this group can avoid these stressful situation is because they are "more clear on the intentions of others". Situations don't become negative because they don't take everything personally and get stuck in the criticism.

Three: Social relationships improve mental health! It is important to have strong social relationships and these relationships dramatically decrease stress.

AH! Such nuggets of wisdom there--happiness comes from avoiding negative situations and one of the way to avoid negative situations is to have more understanding about the people in our lives. More understanding that everything isn't about us--that people's intentions aren't always bad--that they might be doing the best they can with what they have.

Wouldn't it be great if we could learn these lessons early in life! We could learn that time is limited, negativity is not helpful, get clear on what our priorities are and have some love and understanding for ourselves and those around us!! It's just that simple-ha!! Ok so I guess maybe we need time to learn all those lessons--but we CAN start implementing them in to our lives one little step at a time.

Live Happier Tip: Be Curious

I love the term curiosity. In fact, in session it sometimes becomes a running joke with the number of times I use the word. But it is a great word--fun and light hearted yet I feel really helps us get to the heart of the matter. By being curious we put a natural pause into the situation. Our first response is not to be curious our first response is usually to judge, be critical or ignore. For example--let's say you woke up this morning feeling crabby. You might say to yourself "great, another crabby day" you might yell at your kids or your partner, you might not even notice you are upset and just go about your day feeling off but not noticing--definitely not living happier. If you add curiosity into your day you wake up feeling crabby-you say 'huh, wonder what's going on, I feel off" and that puts a natural pause into the normal course of events. You might not figure it out right away but by posing the question you throw it out there--it might be as simple as you didn't get enough sleep, or it is cold rainy day, or you picked up your partners bad mood. Or it might be more complex like you realize you need some alone time and you are tired of always having people around so you say to your partner you need to figure out a time when you can be alone. Or you realize you are super stressed about a presentation at work so you might talk to a friend about it.

Having curiosity allows us to get to the heart of what's going on so we can make some changes that allow us to live happier. Curiosity also takes the emotion out of it--it is just a simple question "why am I feeling this way?" "What is going on?" We don't have to answer the question immediately but asking it allows us a. to look at our mood b. to be non-judgmental about it (this is a biggie) and c. to potentially determine a solution.

Curiosity is also fabulous when it comes to relationships. Instead of ASSUMING--someone is out to get you or hurt you we can have some curiosity about why they are acting in a certain way. For example: You wake up and your partner starts yelling at you about feeding the cat--instead of getting defensive and yelling back you might have some curiosity around why they are crabby. Maybe they didn't get enough sleep, maybe they have a big presentation, maybe they need some alone time. Having curiosity deescalates the conflict--instead of firing back in anger you can first have curiosity about what is going on (Most of the time it has NOTHING to do with you) and then give the other person a little room to have their mood. Many of the petty little arguments we have in relationships can be solved with just a little curiosity. Try it--I promise it will help you live happier.