Let's Talk About It

Earlier this week I wrote a blog about women living their lives at half steam because of the relationships in their lives.  While I thought it might strike a cord with some people I was surprised to see with whom. Even though I was writing about and for women, I have had more responses from men then women.  I had men e-mail me, men respond via facebook and the men in my life (including my nearest and dearest) weigh in on the subject.

I have to admit I thought I might hear from some men.  But I thought I would hear, "what about us...we sacrifice our dreams for relationships". Because that is true...we all sacrifice for our relationships.  But what I heard from the men out there, warmed my heart and was pleasantly surprising.  They said, "I don't want the women in our lives to feel this way" "I want them to have a life that makes their heart sing, including their job" I have to admit it gave me a lot of hope about the relationships in the world--these men who are wanting to support and encourage the women in their lives.

So it got me thinking about this epidemic the idea that we are living half lived lives because we feel too many SHOULDs or IF ONLYs.  Because we are waiting until we meet our partner, have kids, the kids grow up, or even retirement to fulfill our dreams we are missing out on a lot of life.  A lot of time.

I believe step one is to start talking about it. Let's start asking ourselves and each other--am I happy?  am I putting my life on hold for my relationships?  And if the answer is yes, what small changes can I make to live differently.  I am not advocating for us all to leave our families and head back to the workforce or plow full speed ahead into our careers and forget our dreams of finding a mate and building a family.  I am advocating having a conversation with yourself and those closest to you.  Let's start sharing what's holding us back from making our heart's sing and maybe together we can come up with a plan.

The male responses to my blog post made me realize again that we are in this together, we are all trying to do the best we can with what we have, we are trying to support each other.  Sometimes we just don't know how.

I believe, by living a life that is authentic, genuine, and honest we can live happier and work happier.  First step--speak your truth.

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Need some help expanding your definition of self and what makes you happier?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Losing Your Happiness in Your Relationships

Imagine the scenario:  Two women are sitting on the subway both with a free hour to contemplate their lives. The first woman is in her late 30s, married with 3 kids and silently wishes to herself that she had more time for herself.  She graduated from college, and had her own career when she met her now husband. Shortly after they were married she had her first child and quit her job to stay at home with her children She knew she never really wanted to be a career women, so it was ok that she didn't love her job anymore.   Now eight years later her children are beyond needing her 24/7 but she has no idea what she wants to do for a career so she keeps devoting herself to her children.  When she is honest with herself she admits she wants more then just being a wife and mother but doesn't know what's next, she doesn't know what would make her heart sing.

The second woman,  is also in her late 30s she has never been married and although she has had a series of long term relationships.  She has a job that is so-so but when she is honest with herself she really wanted to get married and have kids.  Basically she has put her dreams and aspirations on hold waiting to get married and have a family.  However, now she realizes that getting married and having kids might not be in the cards for her so she needs to start figuring out what career would make her heart sing.

Both of these scenarios have become more common in my practice--women who are admitting to themselves and to me that they want more our of life, they want to work happier.

What strikes me about both of these scenarios, is the amount of SHOULDS that are felt by each of the women.  On one hand, woman one feels incomplete for 'settling' into mommydom and losing herself to her kids. And then she feels selfish for thinking she wants more out of her life than her kids.  She wanted to be a mom shouldn't that be enough? So in order to avoid the plethora of negative voices, she keeps plugging along being mom and not ever facing the pain and loss of not figuring out what would truly make her happier.  Woman two, feels bad for 'settling' in a unfulfilling job while she waited to find a partner and have children.  She feels like less of a woman because she is waiting 'for a man' but also because she can't fulfill the one thing in her life she wants...a family.  Both women are silently hammering themselves for the choices they are making based on their dreams, relationships and aspirations in their lives.

The thing about should messages is that they breed shame and guilt which in turn breed silence and isolation.  Whatever your story or scenario when you start hiding parts of yourself we can't possible live and work happier.  My hope in writing this post was that women of all relationship statuses could start supporting each other on the fact that they want to live and work happier PERIOD.  We all want to live our best lives, be our best selves and when we are hammering ourselves with should messages we are pigeon holing ourselves into mediocrity.  Life is meant to be rich and colorful and made up of a variety of roles....mothers, girlfriends, partners, lovers, wives, friends, aunts, nieces, employee, entrepreneur, artist or athlete. The trick is to embrace them all.

What SHOULDS are you feeling?  How are you challenging yourself to live and work happier within your relationships?

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Need some help expanding your definition of self and what makes you happier?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

A Strong Person Knows How to be Vulnerable

Last week I received an e-mail forward, I admit I usually don't read them but this one entitled A Strong Person intrigued me.   The first line said--A Strong Person knows how to keep their life in order.  Even with tears in their eyes, they manage to say, "I'm OK" with a smile.  As I read that line I immediately cringed.  It has taken me years to resolve my own internal war over the definition of a strong person.  From my German heritage to our Puritan Culture I was repeatedly told 'put on your brave face', 'stay strong'.  A STRONG person doesn't let them see you sweat, a STRONG person puts on a front and pretends all is well when in reality they are crumbling,

Well I call BS on that statement. This idea of being STRONG has caused many of us to live lives of quiet desperation.  To 'suck it up' rather then ask the question, how can I do it differently?  To put all their energy into 'looking ok' they never have the chance to really experience the emotions and grow from them.  In my mind a strong person, admits it's hard, a strong person allows themselves to have a good long cry, screaming match or hissy fit. A strong person expresses the necessary emotions and allows themselves to feel the vulnerability and lack of control.  A strong person admits everything is not ok, and asks for help when necessary.  A strong person shows there emotions AND picks up the pieces and moves on.  A strong person does BOTH.

Because when we don't experience the emotions, don't express the pain in the presence of another person and have a witness to our lives and our experience, we can't grow from it, we can't spiral up.  When we suck it up, say "I'm OK with a smile", then we aren't being genuine human beings.

Sometimes life is hard, sometimes we are dealt a series of blows, sometimes we are exhausted, tired, frustrated and just plain sad.  It is in those times we need to admit our struggles, admit our exhaustion and lean on those close to us for a little support.  Strength comes from vulnerability not from bravery.

The times in my life when the most changes have occurred are those times when I have been on my knees, crying in exhaustion, weak and vulnerable and I have said I need to find a different way.  Tired and weary from 'being strong" I have allowed myself to admit my weakness and then I have sought to make a change.

Living Happier means experiencing the ying and yang of life.  Being 'strong' and being 'vulnerable' both in their own time.  When we are too much of any one thing we miss out on the richness of life.  When we get stuck in our fear we aren't serving ourselves anymore then when we are stuck in our strength--but we need to experience BOTH to move through life in a healthier, happier way.

What do you think?  What does the phrase Be Strong mean to you?

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Wanting to Live and Work Happier?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

How Facebook is Normalizing Work Place Misery

I admit I am addicted to Facebook--for some reason I just really enjoy checking other people's status' seeing what they are up to.  I am not a big sharer about my status or what I am doing but I like to follow other people. (you can follow me here)  However, recently I have really noticed the trend of work place complaining.  More specifically the trend of celebrating workplace misery.

Around every water-cooler in America there has always been 'a countdown to the weekend' vibe.  But Facebook takes it to a whole new level.  Monday morning's start out with the inevitable "I hate Mondays" status updates and then Wednesday is the traditional "welcome to hump day" messages and then Thursday and Friday have the "almost the weekend" messages.  When I really started paying attention to it I realized, we are a nation miserable at our jobs.  Not a huge realization mind you, but the part that really bothered me was how much Facebook normalizes that sentiment.  One of my friend's laments how much they hate Monday morning and within 30 minutes 10 people are 'liking' that post.  Really, liking the fact that you are miserable in your job? Liking that fact that the main place you spend your time makes you miserable??  Liking that in all honesty only 2 days out of your week you are truly happy?

In essence Facebook is a place to gain support, share your victories and your misery but misery becomes the celebrated status quo I have to question it.  If someone repeatedly posted that they hated their wife/partner there would be an out cry of 'do something about it!' 'stop complaining' but for some reason in our society hating on your job is not only acceptable it is socially 'cool'.

When you think about it we spend 40+ hours of our week at our jobs, that is 1,960 hours a year (assuming you take 2 weeks vacation and all the national holidays) and 78,400 hours over 40 years.  Almost 22% of our lives between the ages of 25 and 65 are spent at work.  Why would we want to be unhappy for 22% of our lives?

In all honesty, it's not about posting status' on Facebook it has nothing to do with Facebook.  It is paying attention to how we talk, what we complain about and how we can make it better.  If you find yourself counting down to the weekend, LIVING for Friday night, dreading Monday mornings it is time to make a shift.

Today I am writing to break the trance of common misery.  To break the cycle of not only being unhappy about what you are doing for a living but celebrating that fact with other people.  If you are unhappy in your work let's take a look at that--let's find something better to do, a better way to make money, a better way to spend 22% of your adult years.  Let's find a way to make you work happier!!!

Want to follow me on Facebook??  Click here to join my Fan Page.

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Tired of dreading the work week?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

It's Not Just About Career

This is a re-print of an article that I wrote for my newsletter this week. Enjoy!!  Click here to sign up for my bi-monthly newsletter. 

I adore being a career counselor, it is my calling, my gift and my passion. Helping people figure out what makes their heart sing and then guiding them down the path to achieving it is an amazing career.
Honestly people come see me for a variety of reasons, they are unhappy in their jobs, fed up by their job search, frustrated by their career path or just downright unhappy. Regardless of why, people are unhappy in their careers and so they seek out help. But what I have found is life is not a series of silos. We aren't divided into career, family, personal relationships, or friendships. We are all connected, if we are unhappy at work we are probably unhappy at home. If we have low confidence at work we probably take some of that home (whether through stress, exhaustion or anxiety). So our lack of fulfillment in our career effects all areas of our life. Therefore when people are not working happier they are not living happier. Their desire to come see me is not JUST about their career. It is my job as a career counselor to help people live and work happier in their career while also seeing the big picture that life is inter-connected.

To that same degree, frequently finding the perfect job or right career is only one-quarter of the battle. It is a fabulous exciting time full of self exploration, dreaming big, looking at values, passions and somedays. And then we find it, we figure out what would make your heart sing. Then the true work begins. This time is when people start diving into their job search, working on your resume and/or applying to grad schools. That is when people start battling the fear monger, the self doubt, the low confidence and anxiety that comes up.

When I first started my career counseling practice, I only worked with helping people figure out what makes their heart sing. I didn't work with resume, job search or grad school applications. And then I realized, my clients were only getting a quarter of the way to Living and WOrking Happier. Much of the tough stuff comes up once the decision is made. The challenges arise after we figure out what makes your heart sing.

Career Counseling is so much more than just figuring out your next career. It is determining what you value, what you are passionate about, what makes your heart sing. It is facing the fears, doubts and 'what-ifs' to find a job that your a passionate about. It is about building a support system, life balance and a self care system. It is about having a guide, advocate and counselor help you through the entire process. It is about Working AND Living Happier!!

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Having trouble finding your smile lately?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Wondering Wednesday: What Makes You Smile?

Photo credit to D. Sharon Pruitt

Today for Wondering Wednesday we are going back to basics.  Take a deep breathe (or 2 or 3) and think about the last time you genuinely smiled.  What were you doing?  Think about all the activities, people, hobbies, work or interests that you engage in throughout the day/week/years and pay attention to those that make you smile.  A true genuine, feel it in the pit of your stomach smile--not the fake, smile until you make it smile, but a real smile.  I'm just asking for a smile here, not a full out giddy celebration just a smile.  What makes you feel better about life? What touches you to the point it can be seen on your face?  What allows you to relax enough that your expression change?

Maybe it is playing in the surf and sand, hanging with certain friends,  thinking about a loved one, crawling into a warm, soft bed, curling up with a good book and a glass of wine, working out, doing yoga or just feeling the warm sun on your face.

The beauty of this question is it makes us more aware of our bodies, our joy and our life happiness.  When you start paying attention to what makes you smile, you can A. start enjoying those times more and being more aware of them and B. start adding more 'smiling' time into your day to day life.

Smiling is a gift we give ourselves and those close to us.  It is contagious and joyful.  Smiling makes us live and work happier :)

So what 5 things make your smile?  Share them in the comments....I'll go first.

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Having trouble finding your smile lately?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!

Life is like a Jar of Peanut Butter

The other day my nearest and dearest and I were talking about peanut butter.  Really we were talking about all the various types of peanut butter that are available these days vs. when we were growing up.  When I was little you could get creamy or crunchy.  I can vaguely remember when they came up with the peanut butter and jelly combo in one jar--but other than that it was pretty basic.  Today you can get creamy, crunchy, natural, sugar-free and low fat.  Not to mention the various other 'butters':  almond butter, cashew butter and even sunflower seed butter!!  And we haven't even tapped in to all the brand names and butter makers.

So what does the addition of all sorts of peanut butters have to do with working happier you ask?  Well in our home all things lead to careers--and this one actually came from my nearest and dearest.  As we were standing in the living room discussing how far butters have come he turned to me and said 'it's like careers!'  And I looked puzzled at him and he went on to explain how when we were younger the 'career options' were equally as limited (Especially for women but I'm not going to get in to that in this blog) Growing up we could be nurses, teachers, fire fighters or doctors.  Our options were more limited:  we could be salespeople, mail people, veterinarian or dentists.  At that point, massage therapists, counselors, life coaches, SEO experts or holistic healers either didn't exist or weren't well known.

Unfortunately we still get stuck in creamy vs. crunch we still limit ourselves to what we knew as a child. But today we have more variety, more options and more choices.  If you allow yourself to dream big and look beyond the standard every day job options we can find new/different jobs that might make your heart sing.

The beauty of living and working happier is being open to the variety that is available to us.  When we can get beyond the 'standard options' we can expand our thoughts, expand our options and therefore expand our lives.

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Want to figure out what your options are?  Click here to schedule your free 20 minute Get to Know you Session where we can talk on the phone and start brainstorming and allowing you to live happier!!  Not in Columbus--no worries I also work via phone and Skype!!