My Defense of Nice

Yesterday I posted a quote on my Facebook page:

Treat everyone with politeness even those who 
are rude to you not because they 
are not nice but because you are nice. ~ Anonymous

I love this quote and so did quite a few other people.  Someone even shared a story of her daughter's struggle with her own niceness.

Somewhere in our society we lost the joy in just being NICE.

• Being polite to the guy serving us our coffee.
• Offering a smile to the ticket agent at the airport.
• Saying Thanks to the woman clearing your table.
• Or engaging in a conversation with the janitor at your office. 

We have forgotten how to be nice.  You can blame it on how busy we have all become or our short attention spans, or even reality TV.  But I say we have become lazy, we have become complacent and we have become disengaged.  And it doesn't really matter why this is the new societal norm.  It matters that we start changing it.   Changing the mentality from self protection and 'what are you going to do for me?'  to loving openness and 'what can I do for you?'

Nice gets a bad wrap.  Being nice is no longer valued; it is looked on as 'too vanilla and bland'.  In some worlds it is better to be called a bitch then to be called Nice.

Today I want to dispel a few rumors about the word Nice.

• Nice doesn't mean you are a victim.  
• Nice doesn't mean you put up with abuse.  
• Nice doesn't mean you don't speak your mind and live your truth.
• Nice means you treat other people with respect.
• Nice means you can recognize your needs and the needs of those around you and lovingly know when your needs are important and when the other's needs are important. 
• Nice means you are open to people. You notice them. 
• Nice means you recognize people make mistakes and you are able to discern when those mistakes are too risky for you to stick around and when those mistakes just need a little more love. 
• Nice feels good.  Nice feels engaged, open and friendly.
• Nice isn't for the weak of heart.  
• Nice requires thoughtfulness and loving boundaries.

So today just try a little nice. 

What are your thoughts on Nice?  When has being nice felt good and when has being nice felt painful?

Photo Credit:  SweetonVeg via Flickr

Does it REALLY Matter?

Does it really matter?  It is honestly one of my favorite questions.

As someone who struggles with perfectionism, anxiety and 'doing it right' this question keeps me grounded.  It keeps me from getting too caught up in the race, the 'keeping up with the Jones' mentality and the belief that there is only one way.  Yep, I admit I can be pretty intense.  For those of us who struggle with 'getting it perfect' it is helpful to have a reminder that life will move along even when we mess up.

The other day I was driving and I noticed a woman speeding down the road, using the middle turn lane as a passing lane and I immediately got indignant, nope I got down right pissy.  Yes she was being a dangerous and crazy driver but she was winning--she was getting there faster (I know crazy, right? but when these are the thoughts I have when I am really honest with myself).

I noticed my blood pressure rise and my anxiety shot up and I thought to myself:

Does it really matter?
Does it matter who  gets there first?
Does it matter that she is doing something illegal and not getting caught?
In the scheme of things--does this matter?
Immediately I took a breath and relaxed.

Nope, it really doesn't matter.

In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if:

• your friend is 5 minutes late?
• you don't find the perfect wording for the e-mail?
• you dinner doesn't turn out as you envisioned it?
• you missed the light?
• your son didn't load the dishwasher correctly?

Another common trait for the anxiety prone among us is we tend to misplace our feelings and emotions on to benign, meaningless items.    Sometimes your anxiety just needs something to hold on to--rather than feeling the anger at your boss for belittling you in the meeting it is easier to put the anger on the driver who cut you off.

It is human, it is understandable.  It isn't always appropriate to express every feeling in the moment. BUT when you notice yourself getting angry, or fired up at something that is pretty small, ask yourself 2 questions:

Does it really matter? 

AND

What am I really upset about?

The question Does it REALLY matter?  Allows us to take a pause and figure out what is really going on.  It also allows us to make room for what does really matter.

What are some areas in your life where you can ask the question--does it really matter?

Answering the Question WHO ARE YOU?

In a world of conformity and perfectionism, where fitting in and being cool are always paramount, it is easy to lose yourself.

In a world of caring for children, meeting deadlines, cleaning and chores, it is easy to lose yourself.

In a world of lists making, task management, social media, 24 hour connectivity, it is easy to lose yourself.

Bottom line in this day and age--it is easy to lose yourself....

I believe one of the biggest reasons we are so anxiety filled and angst ridden is that we have lost contact with ourselves.  We are too busy living for others and we don't celebrate our uniqueness.  

If you don't know who we are:

• How can we engage in the things we love?
• How can we set intentions for our lives?
• How can we give fully of ourselves to our families and our work? 
• How can we possible live happier if we have forgotten what makes our hearts sing?

So today we are going on a quest to find you again!!!

Today I ask WHO ARE YOU?  I mean really who are YOU?

Take 10 minutes and answer the questions below.  Feel free to share your favorite questions/answers in the comments.  Most importantly TAKE THE TIME to sit down with yourself and remember who YOU are.  

What makes you laugh? When was the last time you laughed out loud?

What movies do you love?

What is your favorite song, musician, or type of music?

What is your favorite drink?

What books can you read in one sitting? 

What would you love someone to cook you for breakfast?

What sound do you love?

What one thing would you love to eliminate from each day?

Where do you love to vacation?

What is one place you want to see before you die?

What are some of your favorite places in the world

What is the last thing you did that thrilled you?

What would you do if you could live on a deserted island alone (and no one could see you) for a weekend?

If you had 5 words to describe yourself what would they be? (even if people might be surprised)

What scares you the most?

What are some of your favorite memories from high school or college or your 20s?

What was your favorite food as a child?

What is your favorite food now?

What activities do you enjoy?

What is your favorite form of exercise?

When you were in high school what did you think you would be doing at your age now?

I have one more task important task: Share some of your favorite answers with those closest to you or if you feel like sharing to a broader audience feel free to share in the comments section or on the Live Happier facebook page.

As we share more of our authentic selves with people it is harder for it to get buried.  As we share more of ourselves it becomes easier to live from a place of who we really are rather then who we think we SHOULD be.

Photo Credit:  SweetonVeg via Flickr.

Just Breathe

Today's challenge is an easy one.  So easy you might tempted to skip right over this post (Don't leave!  I promise you will be amazed). Today we are really going back to basics.  Today we are talking about breathing.  I can hear your mind spinning as I type,  '"I know all about breathing, I know it is good for me, I know it is a stress reliever, and I know I do it without even thinking"

But given all of that knowledge--how often do you really BREATHE.  I mean big deep belly breathes--not the wimpy chest filling breathes but BELLY breathes.    Sadly, our culture doesn't really know how to breathe.  As a part of many of my workshops I will ask participants to take 3 deep breathes.  Inevitably they sit up nice and tall and push their chest out really big and suck their belly in. That is chest breathing, not belly breathing and if you do too many chest breathes you will get light headed :) Belly breathing allows your

So let's do it together. Right now.  Stop what you are doing and let's breathe.

• Get comfortable. 
• Put your feet on the floor.  
• Really feel your feet and your hands. 
• Shake off the day and get present in your body.  
• Notice any tightness, or pain in your body--are your shoulders pained?  Your head hurting?  Is your chest tight?  
• Place one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach. 
• As you breathe in through your nose the hand on your belly should move out further then the hand on your chest. 
• Hold the breathe for as long as comfortable.
• Exhale through your mouth contracting your stomach muscles to slowly push all the air out. 
• Repeat this exercise 3 times.   
• Now pay attention--is there any tightness? Any expansion? Any pain?

Honestly, I TRY to do this exercise a few times a day.  And I am ALWAYS amazed at how much better I feel when I take the time to take 3 deep breaths.  It is something SO simple that can reduce your stress.  It is truly back to basics.  Sometimes it is just helpful to keep it simple.  No matter your situation, stress, concern, transition 3 deep breaths is a great place to start.

Photo Credit:  Mae Chevrette via Flickr

Engaging in Productive Conflict

I have observed in my own life and in those around me that any time we engage in personal growth or transformation, inevitably there comes a time when we have to engage in a tough conversation.  As we change and grow, or needs, desires, and values change and grow.  Also as we change and grow our capacity to accept the unhealthy behaviors (drama, manipulation, passive aggressiveness) diminishes.

The bummer is that frequently those around us aren't welcoming of this change.  Not because they don't want us to get better as human beings or be happier but because change is scary, especially if you aren't implementing the change!!

During these tough conversations it is helpful to think of the Drowning Person analogy--if you have every done any lifeguard training you know that when a person is drowning their instinct is to fight back, to fight for their survival.  So as someone comes to rescue them the drowning person (acting instinctually) will try to save their own life at any cost, even if that means taking down the lifeguard. So in an effort to keep his head above water the drowning person might push the lifeguard under water as well. Lifeguards are trained as to how to handle this rescue this person without drowning themselves.

So to when we engage in a difficult conversation with someone.  When we approach our boss, co-worker or spouse with the need to approach something differently or a reminder that certain behavior is inappropriate no matter how loving, kind or open we are the other person on some level (instinctually) may feel like they are losing control. And when we lose control we feel attacked; when we feel attacked we tend to lash out.  Similarly to the drowning person who is overwhelmed by water, feeling out of control can overwhelm people and they go on the attack.

A typical tough conversation will start with Person A loving explaining that they want Person B to talk directly to them rather then going through a co-worker.  And Person B feeling attacked, maybe person B knows they have been engaging in this behavior, maybe person B even feels badly about it BUT person B initially doesn't like being called out on this behavior, it feels uncomfortable and out of control.  So Person B attacks back and calls out Person A for taking too long at the staff meeting and then on it goes back and forth tit for tat not really making any movement at all until Person A doesn't even remember why they started the conversation in the first place.

SO rather then causing a spiral of craziness.  The next time Person A goes in for a tough conversation they can remember that most likely no matter what they are talking about and confronting on it will be initially hard for Person B to hear it.  Even the most enlightened among us will initially feel attacked, sometimes that feeling lasts for 30 seconds sometimes it last for 30 years.  The trick is for Person A to have a clear purpose for what they want to get out of the conversation.  Some examples could be they want to be heard, they want to come up with a new way of dealing with the situation, or they want to be understood.  Person A also needs to remember that Person B will flail, they will try to attack (just like the drowning person) and it is Person A's job to just lovingly understand that, not try to attack back and keep coming back to the intention. It is Person A's job to keep the conversation as calm and positive as possible and keep the intention first and foremost.

Back to the original example, if Person A wants Person B to talk to them directly, they can start brainstorming a way to do that (if it is just a functional issue) they might need to dig deeper and brainstorm why Person B doesn't do it already (maybe Person A's door is always shut).  Tough conversations go much better when we as the instigator can have a clear intention in mind and recognize before we start that we are catching someone off guard, we are instigating a tough conversation and give the other person a lot of room to flail.

To the same degree it is our job to recognize our tendency to flail as the person who has been confronted in a tough conversation.  It is our responsibility to notice our own tendency to go on the attack.  When your notice yourself acting like the drowning person, it is ok to, admit you are uncomfortable, apologize for attacking or just ask to take a break.  If you do ask for a break, make sure you set a time to begin the conversation again.  

Tough conversations are hard, but they are paramount to living an authentic happier life.  The more we practice the more better and easier they become, I promise.

Little Rituals Lead to Big Changes

Got Stress?  We all do.  We all have too much to get done in not enough time.   Having the belief that we can do it all, handle it all without any awareness of our selves is a recipe for disaster.

We need to build more awareness around ourselves and our stress triggers.  One of the ways to prevent stress triggers is to add small awareness rituals into your day. These rituals pull you out of your ‘routine’ and give you a chance to pull back, evaluate, get curious and decrease your stress.

The practice is to add 1 or 2 rituals to your day each day to start the practice of checking in and having curiosity.   Then gradually as checking in becomes habit the rituals will become less forced and more just a part of you.

Here are some rituals I have added to my own day or know might be helpful.

• Before you start the day lie in bed take 3 deep breathes and set an intention for the day.
• When you are in the shower, pay attention to how the soap feels, how the shampoo smells and what you are feeling. Really BE in the shower.
• Create times and places where electronics are not permitted. e.g. at breakfast, at the table, in the bedroom etc.
• Start each morning with a glass of water—before you have your coffee or with your coffee drink a glass of water.
• When you eat a meal take time to sit down, and enjoy the meal. Savor each bite, pay attention to how it tastes and feels in your mouth. 
• Take 3 deep breaths at certain times in the day e.g. in the car at a stop light, every time you hang up the phone, every time you sit down at your computer. 
• When you are running errands, park the car at the back of the lot and as you walk in check in with your self.
• Once a week schedule some 'me' time—whether that be taking a bath, reading a good book, going on a long walk or just sitting on your deck. 
• Implement a game night or activity night once a week or once a month. Turn off the electronics and engage in an activity together as a family or with friends. 
• Plan a dance party and every day at a certain time dance to your favorite song. 
• At dinner go around the table and name something you enjoyed about the day and something you wish you could change (or add your own idea).
• Before bedtime implement some relaxing rituals, making a cup of tea, turning down the lights, listening to soft music or writing in your journal or reading a book. 
• As you crawl into bed take 3 deep breaths and name 5 things you are grateful for.

Have other ideas? I love hearing new ideas for rituals--let me know some of your favorites in the comments below.

Want a pdf of the above list? You can grab it here.

The Cost of Zombie Living

If you want to have a life worth living, a life that expresses your deepest feelings and emotions and cares and dreams, you have to fight for it."--Alice Walker

I read this quote over the weekend and it has just stuck with me.  What I love about it is that not only is it true, but it is positive as well.  So often I hear living happier is hard.  Being intentional takes time. It is easier to just go through the motions. It might appear 'easier' but the cost is too high.  The cost of zombie living is the pain and suffering of your soul.  It is lost relationship with yourself and others.  

I put together a little scenario of Mindless Millie or Intentional Ida--which one are you?

Mindless Millie:  The alarm goes off, you hit the snooze button a few times and then stumble down the hall to the bathroom. Taking a shower you mumble to yourself how much you hate Mondays, and think about your to-do list, your annoying boss and the argument you had with your husband last night over who does more to keep the house running. By the time you get to the kitchen for dinner you are in a foul mood and yell at the kids as you rush them out the door. You arrive late to work, like a zombie you move through your day, morning meeting, answering emails, lunch meeting, afternoon meeting, returning phone calls rinse and repeat.  It feels just like every other day.  You make your way home through bumper to bumper traffic spinning on what you can get away with making for dinner. You make rice and chicken--just like last Monday, get the kids to bed and collapse in front of the TV with your spouse watching some mindless reality TV show.  

Intentional Ida: The alarm goes off, you hit the snooze button a few times and then stumble down to the hall to the bathroom.  While you are in the shower you make a conscious choice to really be in the shower.  You have a lot to get done today but you know if you take the time to enjoy your mornings the day goes better.  You get out of the shower, taking extra time to make yourself look good and head down to breakfast.  In the kitchen you give your spouse a hug and a kiss and greet each of your kids with a smile. You have set a rule that breakfast is a time for family so you actively engage with your children and spouse.  On the way to work you think about how to best approach your co-worker you have been dreading.  You also remember that you want to approach your boss about the new opportunity at work.  You go through the day smiling, chatting and laughing.  When someone or something annoys you, you are curious with yourself as to why and you confront it nicely, if needed.  At night you have family dinner, it is a Monday which means your oldest gets to pick his favorite meal and you make it knowing he will be thrilled.  After dinner you head out to yoga knowing your spouse will be able to get the kids to bed. You are tired but you know will feel more centered when you get back.

So who do you relate to the most Millie or Ida?  Yes, you have to fight for it and some days you might not feel like it!!   But there is no price too high for a life that is filled with your deepest feelings, cares and dreams.   Who's life would you rather have Millie's or Ida's?  Who's life seems like more 'work'?

Living Happier Through Clean Water

This blog is dedicated to living happier.  Most of the time we talk about values, feelings, needs and passions.  Today I want to go back to basics a bit.  Last month, I attended the World Domination Summit and heard Scott Harrison talk about the amazing organization he founded called CharityWater. The sole purpose of this organization is bringing clean, healthy water to the countries of Africa.  The way this organization does it differently is that for every dollar you spend they track it specifically to a water project.  So you can give $20 and then follow on-line the exact well in Africa that your $20 is helping build.

Imagine walking for 4-8 hours every day just to bring water to your family.  And not even clean water. You walk up to 8 hours a day to bring brown, muddy, disease filled water to your family. Once you have the water you then have to decide what do you use it for food? hydration? cleaning?  I talk here a lot about doing the work you love and filling your days with activities you enjoy so it struck me to think about the women and children of Africa carrying water jugs on their backs for 4-8 hours a day!!  I mean honestly, I get frustrated when I have to DRIVE 30 minutes to get my groceries in a climate controlled car.

The work of CharityWater is to eliminate this trek.  Their goal is to bring clean fresh water to the villages so that the women and children have access to clean water AND access to their time again.

2 stories that Scott shared during his talk stuck with me:

One the story of a woman who had made the daily water treks and when they received the well.  She greeted the CharityWater founders in full dress.  She embraced them and said that not only had the water helped them feel better physically but also she finally had her self back.  She was finally able to bathe and look good.  Showing that we all need to feel good about ourselves.  We all need to be nourished and fed and we all need to feel like we matter in the world. When she was able to do other things then just fetch water that she knew was still unfit for her family. When she was able to give them clean healthy water and they could drink and bathe life was good. You can read her story here.

The second story was told to Scott by a man from another village.  He told of a woman who walked 8 hours (4 hours to the nearest water source and 4 hours back) every day to gather water using a large container made of clay.  One day as she made her way into her village with the jug on her back, she tripped and fell, causing the jar to fall to the ground and bust open water running everywhere.  Exhausted, frustrated and hopeless that night, the woman hung herself.

So why am I sharing about a charity on my blog?  I believe Living Happier means giving back. I believe Living Happier means opening our hearts.  I believe Living Happier is about having new perspectives and a global outlook.  I believe CharityWater is helping people all over the world Live Happier.

Check out the video below to learn more about the amazing work of CharityWater.

 

There is no Perfect Plan....Just Leap

Recently I was talking to a client about going after a big dream.  She started out the session saying with great authority I have decided to become a (enter fabulous career here).  We proceeded to talk about what that mean and the fact that the career she chose fit her well and gave her a lot of freedom to do the many things she was interested in doing. We began laying out how exactly she could achieve this particular career (she would need to return to school) and how she was going to support herself during the process.

From my perspective the session was going well, she had had an 'ah-ha' moment she had a plan that encompassed everything she loved we were moving forward and getting clear.

Then she sighed and said, "Well, I don't know I just need to figure out a plan".

Then, I was reminded as I often am that I was looking at it 'on paper'.  On paper we had a plan, on paper we had hit all the right spots she was going to be doing something she loved that would allow her time to do other things, she was going to earn money while going back to school, check, check, check.  But she wasn't looking at it on paper she was looking at it through the fear mongers eyes. Somewhere we had switched from her grounded voice of "I am going to do this" to her fear mongers voice that was saying "no way" "who do you think you are" 'this can't happen" and on and on and on.

So I said back to her "well, I thought we had decided on a plan...what do you think about that plan now?"

And she said very eloquently, "You know, at night when you are sitting around after dinner and everything seems possible.  You tell yourself tomorrow I will do 'that', and accomplish 'this' and I can do anything in the world.  And then you wake up and you realize 'that and this' are going to take more than you originally thought.  So you don't do anything toward the plan and then night time rolls around and the world is full of possibility.  So I keep thinking if I have a good enough plan I won't have this cycle." She leaned back on the couch with an exhausted sigh.  

AH, I smiled knowing.  I could SO relate.  I frequently do that with my own business.  Coming up with programs and workbooks as I sit with my nearest and dearest watching TV and then come morning just going about my routine not DOING anything towards my goals. So what happens between the evening and the morning?  I believe our fear mongers show up.  In the morning when it comes time to take action, our fear mongers get especially scared.  It is almost like they mockingly allow us to dream giving us that freedom in the evening--knowing that in reality they won't let us move anywhere.

So what can you do about it?  Well, first off, as I said to my client it isn't easy. Secondly, it has nothing to do with the perfect plan.

According to your fear monger you will never have the perfect plan so the quest for the perfect plan is a great way to keep you stuck and not moving. 

 I have found what really works:

1. Build a plan--not a perfect plan but some actions steps.  Bite-size, easily accomplished forward moving action steps. 
2. Take Action.  Start living the plan, one bite size piece at a time. 
3. Acknowledge the fear monger.  Anytime your fear monger speaks up, simply acknowledge it and keep moving.  Remember it is tricky.  It knows your voice, knows exactly what to say to keep you stuck.  Give him or her some love, remember they are only trying to protect you.  I will just say "love" out loud. Reminding myself to love myself and my fear monger (my fear monger can be pretty nasty)
4. Keep moving.  Just keep repeating those 3 steps over and over and over.  Eventually it will get easier but whenever I am starting a new project or busting out of a rut this repetition gets really annoying. And then one day I wake up and I don't have to repeat it as often.  I can just move along and accomplish stuff.  

Photo Credit:  SweetonVeg via Flickr

What if Life Energy was Currency?

Think of your life energy as currency.  What if you had a limited amount of currency to spend each day?  So for the example's sake--what if you started out each day with  $1,440. Imagine each day you are handed $1,440 and each day you either earned or spent money on any activity you engaged in.  So anytime you walked the dog, made coffee, did laundry, changed a dirty diaper, talked to a drama filled friend or read a really good book you either earned or lost money depending on how much energy that activity drained.

• There are some activities that purely take our energy--talking to a drama filled friend.  
• There are some activities that add to our energy--read a really good book.
• There are some activities that we do were we break even we loose some energy but we get some too--like laundry. 

Many of us mindlessly spend our energy. We allow the drama filled friend to steal hundreds of dollars a week.  We allow work place backstabbing to suck up valuable dollars. We have the ability to control how we spend our energy currency, but too often we choose to just let the money go flying out the window. 

Even if we eliminate many of the total energy drains on our lives there are still those activities that we have to do that can be an energy drain.  Honestly much of our lives fall in to the 3rd category (we loose some energy and we gain some too). Laundry is a great example of this type of energy spending.  Doing laundry might be draining but having clean clothes is energizing.    But think about a way to make doing laundry where you have to pay less money--maybe you do it while listening to a book on tape or talking on the phone to a loved one.  Maybe you set aside laundry time to go with reading time and the whole time you are doing laundry you can be engaging in reading a really good book.  The money spent on laundry would be MUCH less. 

When you think of energy as a currency, it becomes a game of maximizing your energy.  Frequently I will have clients do this exercise.  Looking at how they are spending energy.  Clients are always amazed at how mindlessly they have been controlling their energy. Inevitably they are shocked to discover how much of their energy is wasted and how much of it is within their control. 

I believe we are rarely asked what do we want to be doing with our time rather then what should we be doing with our time?

Today ask yourself 3 questions.

1. If I had to pay money for all of the energy drains in my life how would I be living differently?
2. How would I spend my time differently if I did what I wanted rather then what I should?
3. How can I add more of those wants into my life and let go of (or get creative with) someone of those shoulds?

Photo Credit:  Jessica Tam via Flickr

So You Are Having a Bad Day?

You have a bad day.  We have all had them.  They are where the expression "I woke up on the wrong side of the bed" came from.  Sometimes we can talk ourselves out of them.  We can use gratitude, change our perspective, or tell a different story.  We can treat ourselves to coffee or take a long walk.  Sometimes we can unhook the mongers and move forward with our day.  But what about the days when our mongers tend to hang out despite all the gratitude and perspective changing?  What if we can't shake them? I believe it is those days that the saying if "you can't beat them join them comes to play".  It is those days that we need to face what is REALLY going on.

A few days ago I had this experience. I woke up just feeling crabby.  All the gratitude and perspective changing in the world couldn't shake it.  I spent most of the morning vacillating between tears and wanting to rip someone's head off and became more and more frustrated the more that I couldn't shake it.  

Finally rather than continuing to beat myself up because I SHOULD NOT be feeling this way, I allowed myself to really feel it.  (One thing I know for sure telling yourself you SHOULD NOT be feeling a certain way NEVER makes me feel better.) I sat down and asked myself "what's really going on here" after a few moments I was overwhelmed with emotions, sadness, anxiety and anger.  Some of it made sense and some of it was a bit out of left field. But rather then judging it and trying to name it I just felt it.  What if I didn't have to justify the emotion or change the perspective? What if I didn't have to own it either? What if for a few moments I was just sad, or tired or angry--no justification no perspective changing just being?

And so for a few moments I just observed the pain and sadness and you know what? It dissipated.  It didn't engulf me, it didn't make my mood worse and I didn't get overwhelmed I actually felt better!!

Too often I watch clients try to force themselves out of a mood, or talk themselves down from an emotion or justify why the feeling makes no sense.  What if rather then judging the feelings we just felt them?  When we allow the feelings to wash over us, un-justified and un-censored they flow through and out of us.  Sometimes simply by acknowledging them they flow right on by.  Think of a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum, sometimes they need a perspective change, sometimes they need to be a little more grateful for what they have and sometimes they just need a little acknowledgement that right now is tough and that's ok.  So go ahead, in the privacy of your own home or office throw yourself a little temper tantrum and let the feeling dissipate.

How do you deal with a bad day?

A Yay for the Day

For those of us who struggle with the "doing it right" disease (yep, I said us because I too struggle with getting it right), it is important to have small celebrations to acknowledge the victories for the day (however small).  Especially for those of us who are moving through a transition, trying something new, making changes in our lives.  It is easy to get overwhelmed and discouraged.

In our house, we have the concept of the "Yay for the Day".  Every day we share our one thing that happened that day that we want to celebrate.

It can be:

• something we accomplished 
• the way we handled a set back
• something we are grateful for
• someone we talked to 
• something that surprised us
• or anything else that is a yay!

And then there is the celebration--the yay!  My yay includes a double fist pump and/or a toast with whatever we are drinking at the time.  

Occasionally I will do my own yay for the day in my office after I answer all my emails, write a blog or  have a breakthrough with a client. I will do a small dance in my office or in my chair to acknowledge the 'yay'!!

Life can be mundane and real transition takes time.  It is easy to get bogged down in negativity and the endless list of to-dos.  The Yay for the Day is a way to pull us out of the 'doing' and in to the 'being' of life.  The more we can be celebrating our victories the more resources we will have in the long run for dealing with the challenges.  

What is your Yay for the Day?

Photo Credit:  Rob Boudon via Flickr

We Are What We Say We Are

We are what we think and more so we are what we say.  If we say out loud to ourselves "I am so fat or I am so stupid" some part of us believes that.  It sinks in. Why would you want to work on that new project when you are telling yourself how stupid you are?  Why would you want to take the risk to try something new when you are constantly telling yourself how fat you are?

How we talk has a profound effect on our relationship with ourselves and other people.  Be careful what you say to yourself or to other people.

Here are some common examples of dangerous speech patterns I have found:

Always and Never:  As my nearest and dearest frequently reminds me "always and never are strong words". These words keep us stuck.  A common phrase you will hear to explain something is "it has ALWAYS been like that" So does that mean it ALWAYS needs to stay like that?  Or saying I never do that or I am never going to do that again doesn't allow room for learning or growth. Mentality like that sticks in our heads.  When we get stuck in the absolutes of always and never, we don't create space for growth or change.

But vs. And: When we use the term 'but', we in essence negate everything we said before 'the but'.  For example, I really want to workout today BUT I have to get this report done.  What that is saying is I am not going to work out. When you add 'the but' only one of the items can be true.  In essence, 'the but' negates everything said after it. 

Just notice how it changes when you say I really want to workout today AND I have to get this report done. By adding the 'and' both items are true. When we use the term 'and' you give the possibility for both to happen.  Another example: "I think your hair looks great BUT I liked it better long" Which sounds like a veiled insult versus "I think your hair looks great AND I liked it better long". Both are statements are true. Using the AND puts a natural pause in the sentence and allows both statements to have their space. 

Yet:  Usually when we are talking about something we haven't done (and want to do) or a goal we want to accomplish we say I can't run 3 miles or I am not a successful attorney or I am not good at writing. When we add the term yet to these phrases it gives them hope, it gives them wings. So even if we aren't doing it now, in the future we will accomplish these goals. I can't run 3 miles yet (I will be able to in 6 months) I am not a successful attorney yet (I will be in if I keep working at it) I am not a good writer yet (I will be after I practice more).

You make me feel: This one happens a lot because we tend to externalize our internal voices on to other people.  I am guilty of doing this with my nearest and dearest.  He (my biggest fan and cheerleader) becomes the personified voice of my fear monger.   I want to say to him  'you make me feel anxious' when in reality he can't MAKE me feel anything. It is my own anxiety being forced on to him. We are all guilty of this one and need to continually build awareness of our own tendency to personify our internal voice on to our loved ones.

When we use the phrase "you make me feel" a certain way--we are taking away our own power, our responsibility, our emotions. We are basically saying we have no control over how we feel and that someone else can manipulate our feelings. In reality, no one can make us feel a certain way--we have control over how we feel and how we react. We can take responsibility for how we feel by saying "I feel anxious because I didn't go to the party". Using I statements takes away the blame and puts the responsibility back on us as individuals to understand and care for our emotions.

Living Happier is an intentional choice and one of the ways we can be intentional is in how we choose to speak.

What are some word choices or phrases that you find limiting?  Do you have any examples of how language use has made a difference in your life?

Photo Credit:  DullHunk via Flickr

Life's Competitions...Making the Perfect Sandwich

The other day I was making lunch, just a simple turkey sandwich. I realized half way through the process that the act of making a sandwich had become totally anxiety provoking.  Not because making a sandwich is hard or challenging but because I found myself having to do it RIGHT.  How do you make a sandwich, right you might ask?  Well, in my world you make it efficiently and quickly with the least amount of steps.  I plan ahead carefully to know exactly what steps I need to take so I don't waste time needlessly opening up the fridge or using too many utensils. In the process I become the Tasmanian Devil of Sandwich Making.  Sounds exhausting, doesn't it?

Was I in a hurry?  No.  Was I entering some master sandwich making competition? No.  Was I needlessly stressing myself in response to some inane voice in my head?  Yes.  

Every now and then I notice myself rushing frantically to finish a task.  I stir myself up in to a frenzied ball of anxiety and adrenaline for absolutely no reason at all.  

Some great examples of this include: 

• Getting through the grocery store in the most efficient, fastest time. 
• Putting the groceries away in the fastest time possible. 
• Taking the BEST route home and making it without delays or problems.

Yes, sometimes it is fun to make a game out of errand running and cleaning.  But when 'the game' becomes anxiety provoking and an excuse for your mongers to come out and tell you what an awful person you are then the fun is gone.  

I like to think my life is important but honestly there is very little that I do in a day that should involve elevated blood pressure and a sense of panic.  Sometimes as I am driving I will look at the other drivers and see their panic ridden faces.  Honestly, what are we all doing that is so damn important?  For those of us who become addicted to worrying, these mini competitions become an easy place for us to get a quick hit of anxiety and worry.  

So when I get stuck in line at the grocery store even after I debated and analyzed each lane to pick the "right" one or when traffic is backed up and there is no alternative route I can take, I remind myself to breathe and ask what's the rush?  Then I put on my favorite song or strike up a conversation with the person behind me in line or simply think of 5 things I am grateful for that day.  Bottom line rather then amping myself up in these situations I use them as an opportunity to slow down and pause.  

Today pay attention to your own mini-competitions with yourself.  What are you really winning?  

Photo Credit: Kait Marie via Flickr

Finding Joy in the Midst of Pain.

This week, I am taking a short blogger vacation. So I have reached back into the archives to share some of my oldies but goodies.   Enjoy!! This was originally posted in October 2009

I am a big fan of story telling--today I am sharing one of my favorites.  The Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron tells the story of a woman running away from tigers.  As she runs, the tigers keep gaining on her.  When she comes to the edge of a cliff she sees some vines, so she climbs down and holds on to one of the vines for dear life.  Looking down, she sees tigers below.  Looking to the side, she sees a mouse gnawing at the vine to which she's clinging.  She also sees a beautiful bunch of strawberries, growing out of the mountain just within her reach. She looks up.  She looks down.  She looks at the mouse.  Then she takes a strawberry. She puts it in her mouth and enjoys it thoroughly.

Tigers above.  Tigers below.  Mice gnawing at our support system. How often have you felt like that?   The truth is, this is the predicament we all face, when we take time to look deeply.  Each moment could be our last.  We could become depressed or lackadaisical when we ponder this fact.  Or, we could choose to eat the strawberries within reach and delight in the joy of every single moment that we have.

For me, this story is the crux for living happier.  Because you know what?  Life IS full of challenges, pain, sorrow, and exhaustion.  We are fighting off tigers and staring down mice all the time!  But at the same time life is full of little joys--watching the 'trick or treaters' all dressed up, having a totally spectacular fall season this year, enjoying a glass of wine with a friend, laughing with my mom on the phone, watching a really good movie--I could go on and on.  In reality, I believe there is as much joy in the world as there is pain--sometimes it is just easier to see the pain.  A few years ago, my dad was in the hospital, it was a very scary, stressful time; fortunately he came out just fine.  The experience was full of pain, fear, anger, worry and exhaustion AND it was full of laughter, joy, sharing and love. It was one of the most traumatizing events in my family's history and there were tigers and mice AND berries.   
It takes a lot of focus and awareness to say to yourself "here I hang facing an imminent painful death and rather than fret and stew and panic I am going to reach over and enjoy my last few moments by tasting and enjoying these wonderful berries".   That is the trick, my friend, in the midst of your hectic day, your fear and rage and exhaustion--look around you for the berries and just thoroughly enjoy them!!!

The Question Isn't What's Next--It's How Do I Get There?

This week, I am taking a short blogger vacation.  So I have reached back into the archives to share some of my oldies but goodies while I am gone! Enjoy!! This was originally posted in September 2009.

Frequently, I have clients who come to see me in the middle of a life transition. They have a number of decisions to make and don't know how to chose. Recently I had a client, Tess*, who was debating what she wanted to do next in her career. She had gone to college then to law school and had worked her way up in a law firm. She was making good money, working long hours and only somewhat enjoyed job. So she came in to see me wondering what's next.

Most people in transition, especially career transition, want a magical answer to come externally--they want a test or a therapist to tell them what they SHOULD be doing next. Usually this is because they have been so beaten down or discouraged by the decisions they have made so far they don't trust themselves. Ironically, as with Tess, the decisions they have made to this point have been made because of external influences--maybe she took a career test in college or a professor said she would make a great lawyer. The one thing she hadn't done was listen to herself. So in one of our first sessions she came in feeling very anxious and was spinning about what to do next and I just asked her "what do you want to do?" and she just looked at me, her face lit up and said "I want to work with children who have been abused". And I said "Ok, let's work on that" and she looked at me startled.

It is my theory that it isn't that we don' t know what to do next it is that we are scared to say it out loud.  In the quiet moments, we can hear our intuitive selves tell us what we want to do but we are scared of admitting it, of failure, of being laughed at, of a million other things. However, we waste A LOT of time spinning on the WHAT rather then facing the fear and moving to the HOW.

So Tess and I began working on the HOW--we started small with just getting her comfortable with the dream--talking about it in session and then talking about it with some safe friends and then slowly exploring how she could accomplish the dream. It was a process, but now Tess is working in a job she loves and is living happier.

We spend a lot of time in the 'what's next' place because it is safe to stay there, it doesn't require anything but a mental debate. I believe we intuitively know what's next we are just scared to face it. We need to slowly start engaging with ourselves, facing the fear (either with friends, family or a therapist) and using baby steps move towards the how.

My question to you: Where in your life do you getting stuck spinning on the "what's next?" rather than slowly facing the fear of "how do I get there?"

*Name and details have been changed to maintain confidentiality

Behold the Power of Drama

This week, I am taking a short blogger vacation.  So I have reached back into the archives to share some of my oldies but goodies while I am gone! Enjoy!! This was originally posted in September 2009.

Ah Drama! If I did a poll of 100 people--98% of them would say they strongly dislike drama. So why does it still exist? Why do we get caught up in our friends drama, or even from time to time manufacture our own? You know what I mean, when we start obsessing about an innocent conversation we had with our partner and by the end of the day have turned it into a major issue, or we listen to our friend go on and on about a 'look' their boss gave them and how that look means they are going to get fired!

As much as it is annoying and we claim to hate it drama is so easy to get trapped in. It is like the Hoover vacuum of communication before you know it you are sucked in.

So what is its appeal, you ask? Drama gives us something exciting to talk about (albeit most of the time it is totally fabricated) and similar to TV or a movie it allows us to disengage from the reality of our lives and focus on the production in our heads.

However we can't stay in this imaginary world--so really all drama does is increase our anxiety about an event that isn't really happening and disengages us from the events in our life that DO need our attention. For example, a client of mine recently realized that rather than deal with her father's recent life altering health diagnosis she was making up drama with her partner. So in essence rather than dealing with her father's health and the anxiety that comes with that in a healthy way (e.g. talking to friends and family, meditation, exercise) she was disengaging and channeling her anxiety into picking fights and making up issues with her partner.

By avoiding drama we can start engaging in the reality of our lives and start facing real issues: dealing with our anxiety, looking at the areas that need our attention, loving our friends and family and being grateful for the fabulous parts of our lives.

So my challenge to you in the next week--just notice when you get stuck in the drama and have some curiosity about why it is appealing to you and what areas of your life might you be trying to avoid?