You as a Child vs. You as an Adult

What would the child you once were think of the adult you have become?

Would he/she be:

• proud of you?  
• puzzled by you?
• amazed by you? 
• ashamed by you? 
• surprised by you?

I love this question and frequently ask some form of it to my clients. This question gets to the heart of who are you, what you love and value. Because let's face it who we were as a child, what we loved, valued and played with probably is still true today. Unfortunately for many of us, we have buried that little one. Long forgotten the passions and joy he/she experienced.  We have gotten caught up in being practical, paying bills and doing what we SHOULD do and we have forgotten what we WANT to do.

Yes, life is full of practicalities, bills and schedules and no it can't be all tea parties and toy soldiers.  BUT who we were as children and what we dreamed about is invaluable to helping us Live Happier.  If you are feeling lost.  If you are feeling like you are a zombie.  If you are feeling stuck in someone else's life take a minute to pause today and answer these questions:

• What would the child you once were think of the adult you have become?
• As a child, when you dreamed about being an adult...what was your vision for yourself at 20, 30 or 40?
• What did you love to do as a child?
• What did you value, what was most important to you, how did you spend your time?
• How can you add some of those childhood dreams into your life today?

Afraid of the Fall

This past week my nearest and dearest and I went paddle boarding with one of our closest friends in the Outerbanks. I have this weird love/hate relationship with trying new things (especially athletic new things).

So here we are on a beautiful day and I have my wet suit on (putting on the wet suit was enough of a challenge).  And we head out.  I was doing great--on my knees.  And eventually I made it to standing---awesome!  No one had fallen in and all was well.  But to be honest, I was scared.  I was enjoying myself but secretly I was thinking, "ok, when are we going to go back in." My feet hurt and I was nervous about getting back down on to my knees.

Let me set the scene here:  Beautiful, warmish sunny day.  The sound was glorious and flat and I was hanging with 2 of my favorite people.  Yet, I couldn't wait for it to be over. I was frightened by every little wave, every wrong paddle.  The longer we went the more afraid I became.

Finally, after my feet couldn't handle it anymore I decided to try to get back on my knees again--with a lot of tentative attempts--ta da!  I fell in!  Yup, completely in to the freezing cold, take your breath away filled with muck water.  And as I climbed back on the board it was as if everything shifted.  Suddenly the fear was gone.  I practiced getting up and down a few times, knees, standing, knees, standing and then off we went.  I had the best time--laughing, enjoying myself and having fun.  The worst was over--I had made a mistake, I had fallen and I had survived!!

Afterwards my friend said to me "it's too bad you didn't fall in right away so you could have just gotten it over with and had more time to have fun".

So true.  But in reality, had I just jumped in or forced myself to fall in it wouldn't have felt the same.  The reason it was so powerful, so mood altering was that I was TRYING and THEN I fell. I didn't just fall in--I was trying something new, I made a mistake,  I fell in, I survived. Rather than getting wet earlier, I wish I had tried to get down on my knees earlier. I wish I had taken more risks earlier, tested my balance, pushed my limits.

How many times in life are we being so vigilant, so on guard and perfectionistic that we miss the experience--we miss our own freakin' lives because we are so freakin' afraid!!  Afraid it won't last, afraid we will make a mistake, afraid we will be laughed out, afraid, afraid, afraid.

As you look at your own life where are you keeping vigilance, keeping up the facade of perfection, avoiding just TRYING because you might fallen in? Avoiding taking the new job (or even looking for one). Avoiding the tough conversation. Avoiding doing something new or different?

Let's get honest.  How much of life are you missing because you are just afraid of falling?

I am here to tell you---most of the fun comes in the falling.

Here is a pic of me and my nearest and dearest paddle boarding:

Live Happier Q&A: How do I find more balance?

Today's Live Happier Q&A question is from Claire and she asks:  I have 2 kids, a husband and a job I enjoy. Where can I find time to engage in activities I enjoy?

 Wow!  For so many of us our plates are FULL, if not over flowing.

Check out my answer below.  Have any thoughts? Anything you would add? Feel free to leave add a comment below!!

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier Q&A page.



Do you have a question about Living Happier?  Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general!

Have a question you are curious about?

 Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!!

Fill out my online form.

Moving on from a Mistake

Mistakes.  We all make them and we all hear and say wonderful (and yes, sometimes pithy) quotes about the power of mistakes, how mistakes help you learn and grow and how without risk there would be no mistakes.

But still, mistakes are hard and navigating the aftermath of a mistake can be challenging. Life is filled with mistakes from a wrong turn to marrying the wrong person. Sometimes there is a lot to learn from a mistake and sometimes mistakes just happen and the biggest thing to learn is that we just make mistakes and we need to let go.

Rather than getting stuck in blame or right vs. wrong. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself:

Is there anything to learn here? Honestly look at the situation--name the things you learned (positive and negative).  Perhaps it is a failed relationship--what did you learn about the type of people you are compatible with?  What did you learn about communication skills?  What did you learn about commitment?

If I could go back, what would I do differently? or Moving forward what will I do differently? Sometimes it is helpful to look at what you could have done to prevent the situation (you know, hindsight being 20/20 and all) and sometimes it is helpful to recognize the only thing you could have done to prevent it is to not take the risk to begin with.  In either case, it is helpful to think about the future, and what you will do differently to avoid that mistake in the future.

Where was I not being honest with myself?  or Where was I not listening to my gut? or Where was I listening to someone else's opinion over mine (aka a SHOULD) rather then my own voice? This happens a lot in relationships--frequently clients will tell me they KNEW something was wrong before they got married.  It happens a lot in career too, people will say they knew their boss wasn't going to work out or they weren't a good fit for the job but they took it anyway.  It is helpful to know where you weren't being honest so you can avoid that in the future.

What went well?  So often we get caught up in the mistake we forget to acknowledge what went well in the relationship, the job or the risk.  Not everything about a mistake is bad.  In every situation things go well--and it is important to acknowledge those things.

Yep, mistakes happen.  We all make them.  But as the saying goes--it doesn't matter how many mistakes you make it is the lessons you learn from them.  Try. Make a Mistake. Learn. Move Forward.

Can I Make Them Smile?

The other day I was grocery shopping.  Just so you know, I HATE grocery shopping.  Well, hate might be a strong word but I STRONGLY DISLIKE it.  In fact, I strongly dislike any form of errand running.

I admit grocery shopping has become a place for me to exercise my patience.  To recognize that not everyone wants to (or can) move at the speed I am. I confess it is humbling to realize that not everyone is out to 'get me' by moving slowly in the store or having the need to pause and look around. As I said, it is an exercise in patience.

One of the ways I exercise this patience is to play the "Can I make them smile?" game. This game is as simple as it sounds, as I move around the grocery store I try to make eye contact and be as friendly as possible to see how many people I can get to smile with me.  Not to the point of annoyance, but when someone is flipping through coupons and blocking my path to the milk, I try to be as polite as possible, make eye contact and smile. Or when someone obsessing over the perfect soup blocks the aisle I try to be friendly and crack a joke so they will smile.

Because I tend to struggle the most with my patience when I am waiting in the check out line--this tends to be where my smile charm comes on the most.  This particular time the lines were long and by the time I got up to the front of the line, the clerk was visibly tired and worn out.  I flashed her my most empathetic smile, tried to 'chat her up' and basically got nothing.  I admit I was bummed, yes she was probably tired but I was pulling out all the stops and getting nowhere.

As she rang up my long line of items, her boss came up and said to her, you can close your line now.  With visible relief she turned off her light and placed the closed sign at the end of her lane.  I said something about being glad to go home and how she must be relieved and she looked at me and said,  "Yes, I have been working double shifts to keep everything a float and I am just down right exhausted". "Ugh, I bet!" I replied.  "Hope you have some time today to take for yourself--sounds like you earned it."  She then looked at me somewhat startled and finally a small smile crept across her face and she said, "Thank you so much, you just made my day".  As I walked away I was smiling too :) It was a great reminder that we all have a story.  We all need a little lesson in patience, a little empathy and a smile.

Where can you spread a little love today? What tasks cause you to need a lesson in patience?

Live Happier Q&A: I hate my job but I need to support my family?

Today's Live Happier Q&A question is from Megan and she asks:  I really hate my job and would love to change it but I need to support my family?  How can I Live Happier?

Such a common struggle these days.  Check out my answer below.

Have any thoughts? Anything you would add? Feel free to leave add a comment below!!

Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier Q&A page.



Do you have a question about Living Happier?  Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general!  Have a question you are curious about?

Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!!

Fill out my online form.

Worrying: The Road to Nowhere

Ah worry.  It takes so many forms.
We spend our precious days, minutes, time worrying about:

• paying the bills
• 'what might happen'
• 'what will they think of me'
• 'what if I fail'
• your kids, your health, your parents, your partner, your job, your weight, your life AHH!  

The list can go on and on and on and on.

But you know what worrying does: absolutely nothing.  Yep, as an experienced worrier I can tell you worrying does nothing, but it makes you FEEL and THINK like you are doing something.  It makes you feel like you are taking action, holding vigilance, being 'on guard'.

Honestly you can worry until, as they say, the cows come home and at the end of the day:

• you could go into debt
• your life could change in an instant
• people might say terrible things about you
• you could fail
• your kids could get sick
• your parents will die (eventually)
• your job could be cut

And worrying will have done nothing.  Basically,you will have wasted a lot of valuable time when you could have been:

• getting financial help, a loan or a part time job
• enjoying your life and the blessings of the day
• trusting that those who love you support you and the rest just don't matter
• failure is a part of life.  Not failing means you haven't really tried anything.
• embracing, loving, and spending time with your kids.  Give them the best of you and love them unconditionally.
• same goes for your parents.  Thank them for bringing you into this world and doing the best they could with what they had as they raised you.
• working as hard as you can and doing the work you love.  

Worrying gives us the illusion of action when worrying just keeps us stuck and unhappy.  Letting go of the habit of worry is an ongoing process.  

First it requires: recognizing the habit.  Noticing when you are stuck in worry.  

Then: being curious about what is really going on?  

Sometimes worry is simply a way of convincing ourselves we are taking action when we aren't.  If this is the case and you are worrying about calling a debt collector to set up a payment plan, then just take real action.  Get support if you need it but then just DO it.  

Sometimes worry is hiding something else. Maybe you catch yourself worrying about your kids' health when in reality you are feeling sad and scared for your friend's child who was just diagnosed with cancer.   Worrying sometimes helps us feel more in control in an out of control world; again because we feel like worrying is helping. But worrying about your kids won't help your friend's child. Acknowledge that and give yourself big hugs around that one.  Feel sad, scared, unsure and insecure for your friend and her family.  Then feel the joy, happiness and relief that your kids are healthy right now. Send a card; make dinners DO something for your friend while embracing, loving and appreciating your family. 

One of the tricks with worry is to find out what's underneath--what is the feeling? And then if you can DO something even if that action is simply to just care for yourself and give yourself some love and support.  Love trumps worry any day. 

Live Happier Daily Challenge--Wrap Up

I want to send a heart felt thank you to everyone who participated in the Live Happier Daily Challenge!  We each experienced some wonderful moments and you can see them here in this short slide show that I did of some of the pics and moments expressed:



 Over the course of this challenge here are some things I have learned and/or enjoyed:

1. Living Happier is about being intentional AND it is also about community.

2. Without the support and love of those around us we CANNOT Live Happier.

3. Even though I pride myself on being intentional around Living Happier, it was still a challenge.
    There were days I had to really THINK about it (especially the days I had a bad head cold).

4.  It was fun to hear how other people had chosen to Live Happier that day.  To see the photos or read
     their thoughts.  It always made me smile.

5.  Living Happier is contagious.

What did you learn from the Live Happier Daily Challenge?  Did it help you Live Happier?  Was it challenging? Will you continue with it?

I have vowed to continue the challenge via Instagram (username NancyJaneSmith) and share my Live Happier photos there (and occasionally on Facebook too!)

Here's to Living Happier each and every day!!

Live Happier Q&A: How do you live Happier through Tragedy?

Today I am kicking off a new feature on my website/blog--I am calling it Live Happier Q&A.

Basically it is a chance for you to ask me questions about Living Happier...Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general!  I would love to hear from you and what you might be curious about around this topic.  I am excited to share my thoughts and get your comments!

It is just another great way to have a discussion around one of my favorite topics...Living Happier!!

Watch the first episode below!!

Have a question you are curious about? Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!!

Fill out my online form.

Being a Swan in a Pond of Ducks

The other day I was talking to a friend who got reprimanded at work for talking too much to her co-workers.  This friend has a HUGE heart and admittedly gets caught up in other people's stories to the point that she isn't at her desk as much as she should.  She has a good job, that pays well and has good benefits and (for the most part) she enjoys it.  She has been doing this same job for 20+ years. And if we were TOTALLY honest, although it is a good job it doesn't really 'fit' her.  In fact her skill set is not in organization, working behind a computer and being task oriented, as her job requires. Her skill set is more around listening, caring and sharing people's stories.  But she makes good money has good benefits and for the most part she enjoys her job.

As she was telling me her story she cried out:

"just once I would like to feel like the swan I see in my mind and I want to be surrounded by other swans--but right now I am in a world of ducks" 

Amen Sister!!  That is so true!!

I have watched her as she has gone through her own personal transformation and have seen a similar phenomenon in many of my clients.

The boxes that were once comfortable aren't anymore. Pushing ourselves down to 'fit-in' just doesn't work! It isn't that it's not possible or that we can't do it--it just becomes too freakin' hard.  Once we have seen the light and seen the possibility of swimming with swans we want more of that!!!

I remember when I went through a similar struggle in my own life.  On one hand I was excited to feel so good, inspired, uplifted, excited about life.  And on the other hand I had outgrown some of my friends.  I could no longer keep myself hidden in the box and my fellow box dwellers weren't too happy about that.  It was a double edge sword--on one hand I was totally excited about how I was feeling internally (like a swan) but on the other hand the ducks were giving me a lot of flack for not fitting in. I remember going to my therapist at the time and said, "I am so frustrated and angry at you for showing me the light--now what do I do?" and she smiled and said, "it is so normal to feel this frustration and this is how I know you are on the right path, soon you will find other swans and you won't even remember what it was like to hang with the ducks'. And she was right--today I have many fellow swans in my life. And it is because of them that I can do this work I love.

Just to be clear there is nothing wrong with ducks--there are perfectly wonderful and happy ducks out there.  The point is we need to be supported and loved for who we are and the greatness we provide to the world. 

So here's a thought:  Rather than changing who you are to 'fit in' what if you changed who you were surrounded by?  What if you only allowed those who embraced your greatness into your world--how would it be different?

So what about you?  Do you relate to the swan/duck story? Are you noticing some swan rumblings?  Are you tired of being a swan in a duck world?  There is hope!

Giving Until it Hurts.

I recently saw this pic and it made me go yes!!!  So many of us are people pleasers. We live our lives doing what we think others want or need from us.  As a recovering people pleaser, I will say the question posted above has changed my life. When I started asking that question, it helped me get clear on if I was giving from a pure place or if I was giving solely because I thought I SHOULD.

In that spirit, today I am sharing some common misnomers on the beauty of giving.

Your needs are not LESS important. Whoa. I remember the first time I heard this one--what?!?!  My needs are as important as everyone else's?  "What you talkin' about Willis?" Yep, our needs are as important as everyone else.  And in fact, to put it bluntly, if we don't look out for what it is we need, no one else will.

Sometimes it isn't that we truly believe our needs are less important it is that we believe by swallowing our needs we will avoid confrontation.  Which in the short term MIGHT be true.  But in the long term the damage to our own self worth and the relationship just isn't worth it.  In order to be fully in relationship with someone (including ourselves) we need to show up completely, needs and all.

Giving to the point of resentment isn't really giving.  Next time someone asks you for something ask yourself do I really want to be giving this right now?  If the answer is no, then the answer is no.  Giving from a place of resentment, keeping score, or negativity just doesn't feed anyone.  Giving from a place of pure unadulterated joy and love, now that is feeding the whole world.  There is such a difference in how true giving feels!  When we are resentful, keeping score and ignoring our own messages of "stop this is too much" we aren't living happier.

Your worth is not equal to how much you give. Yikes. This is an easy trap to fall into.  Somewhere  we learned "they will like me more if I give to them more" or "I am only worthy because of what I do".  In essence, we have convince ourselves, they like us ONLY because of how much we give.  Which to put it bluntly is BS.  If someone is only hanging with you because you do everything they ask--do you really want to spend time with that person anyway?  Our true friends are the people who love us regardless of what we DO.  We are valuable, lovable, worthy period--doesn't matter how much we give.

Giving is a wonderful trait. I love showing others how much they mean to me by giving to them.  Attaching giving to the words: should, getting something back, worthiness, have to or keeping score  takes away from such an amazing act of kindness and gratitude.   When you are asked to give, first check in and ask:  "What is my motivation for saying yes?

 *********************************************************************************This is the last week for the Live Happier Daily Challenge.

Go to the Nancy Jane Smith Live Happier Facebook page and post how you are Living Happier today.

Every day you participate you will be automatically entered into the drawing for a FREE copy of my upcoming Live Happier e-course. Ends on midnight, Sunday October 14th.

Adding a Little Play

Today I am giving myself some permission to play.  So I am reaching back in to the archives as a reminder of the importance of play.

Yep, even though I have been sick, even though I haven't 'accomplished' as much as I SHOULD have this week. (Those would be my mongers talking)  My nearest and dearest and I are sticking with the plan we made earlier this week to enjoy the 70+ degree day taking a hike with our dog.  So voices be damned--after spending the morning in the office--I am heading out to play!  Where could you add a little play in your life??

Originally posted in October 2009

Yesterday I decided to take the day off and go hiking.  I have been wanting to go hiking for awhile and so I cleared my schedule and grabbed my dog Mocha and off we went.  I have a tendency to not plan well but this trip I remembered to pack a lunch, my camera, and water for me and my dog.  I also have a tendency to be pretty intense about my hike--my mission for this hike was to get away, clear my head, enjoy the scenery, take some good photos and basically have the afternoon to play.  However, as I started the hike I noticed I was going at break neck pace and my mind was racing...Was I going fast enough? Was I burning any calories? Did I pick a trail that was too long? What if someone saw my dog was off-leash? (illegal in this area--but I did put her on leash whenever we walked near people!!).  Fortunately about 15 minutes in I became aware of this behavior and realized, this is my afternoon to play, this is not my afternoon to worry or get a workout or be timely.  This is my afternoon to wander, to look around, to watch my dog run with abandon through the trees and smell every fabulous scent she could find.  I realized I had to give myself permission to play.

At first I was a little sad, permission to play!?  I thought how sad is that I need permission?!?!  But then I realized I do, I need permission to put aside my to do list, my calendar, my workout and just play.  And play I did, I jumped in streams, I checked out woolly worms, I stopped by a lake and ate my lunch, I took 100s of pictures of the beautiful changing trees, I played for 4 blissful hours.

So many times in our lives we plan a vacation, plan a party, plan a fun event and we get lost in the worry.  We get lost in the stress of the planning and we miss the moment of fun.  We miss the play part.  To live happier we need to include the play.  So my challenge to you is give yourself permission to play, whatever that means for you, swing on a swing, blow bubbles, laugh until your belly hurts, just play.

How do you play?  Let me know what you do when your give yourself permission to play?

Making Room for Pain and Joy

Today, I am writing you with a cold.  Yep, a nasty head cold that has left me a tired exhausted mess.  I tried to ignore it, tried to push through and here it is 3 days in and quite honestly I feel quite lousy.  A I sat on the couch this morning willing myself to feel better, I knew the pull of the sofa cushions, my hot cup of tea and my DVR'd TV were just too much. So I finally listened to my body saying: relax, take some time off, and take care of YOU.  I admit I can be a little dense at times about self care and tend towards the push, push, push side of life. So getting sick is usually my body's way of saying OK, you have pushed enough, it's my turn.

Honestly, days like today when I am struggling to feel good I question the concept of living happier.  Especially during the Live Happier Daily Challenge. However,  I believe Living Happier is not about 'thinking positive' and 'reframing the situation' (although that can be helpful) MORE so it is about recognizing when you need to take a break, allowing yourself to have a bad day, feeling the pain, sorrow and grief that happens in life.  It isn't about ignoring sickness and 'powering through'.  It is about recognizing today I just ain't feelin' it so I am going to live happier by hanging on the couch.  Recognizing that writing my blog and seeing my clients this afternoon is about all I have and the rest of the day is going to be filled with naps, bad TV and hot tea.  Today I am going to stop ignoring my bodies loving yet pestering voice saying "rest, relax, get better" and embrace it.

Living Happier isn't about ignoring the pain and suffering in life it is about balancing it with the rest of life.  It is about acknowledging the thought, message, feeling or pain and allowing it some space in your life.

Yes, that balance is hard.  Making room for both pain and joy is a challenge.  And yet, I believe that is truly Living Happier.  Recognize we don't have to push through the pain and even in the midst of the pain there can be joy. At every funeral there is laughter. At every bedside there is a memory, a smile.  We can grieve and be grateful.  It is in the doing of both that Living Happier exists.

So today I ask you where might you be ignoring yourself?  

Ignoring the pain? 
Ignoring the exhaustion? 
Ignoring your internal voice saying "you deserve better"? 
Ignoring the 'bad' feelings?
Ignoring the tears?
Ignoring the "this doesn't feel right" voice?
Ignoring something/someone you have been putting off?

You can ignore it for awhile, you can ignore the pain, the sorrow, the knowing voice---but I can guarantee you--you won't Live Happier.  The only way around is through.

Living Happier in the Mundane

There is much talk about living your big amazing dream.  Setting out and taking on the world, being bold, being daring, and being adventurous.  And yes--it is amazing to take a risk, do something daring and crazy! To take a trip, move across the country, get married or get divorced.  And then...there is life.  Everyday messy, take out the trash, make the coffee, and do the laundry and the dishes life. It is here in this monotony in this boredom that we can get stuck.  It is here where life is routine, boring and predictable that we get into trouble. It is here that we forget to Live Happier.

Yes, we hear of people who sell all their possessions and travel around the world.  My inbox is full of blogs from writers who living their big bold dreams:  traveling, farming, starting businesses, doing what seems to be BIG AND AMAZING stuff and living a BIG BOLD LIFE.  Yep, sometimes I look at them with envy and think the grass might be greener and then I remember, it isn't so much the choice they made sell everything and move to Zimbabwe that makes their life extraordinary it is the fact that they saw possibility in their life.

It is in that possibility to see our lives differently that Living Happier occurs.  It is seeing the possibility in the mundane.  In negotiating who is going to take out the trash and whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher.  In going to the grocery store or walking the dog.

I would argue that it is in the every day stuff that the magic really happens. These are the time when we can smile laugh and be joyful.

If you can negotiate the mindless, figure out how to handle the mundane with love and happiness, you can live happier. 

We waste so much time waiting for our big bold adventure to begin.  But you know what?? This is YOUR life.  Yep, you are living it.  As the quote goes--there is no dress rehearsal.  If you can make the mundane tasks of your life joyful and fun it changes the whole energy of your life.  You life begins to feel more like the big bold adventure you want it to be.

So today the challenge is how can you live happier through your every day tasks?

How can you:

negotiate the morning routine so there is more laughter and less tears?

answer the inevitable 'what's for dinner question?' and into a game? (let each family member have a night, or use wheel of fortune as inspiration, or pick it out of a hat)

turn being stuck in traffic into a chance to perfect lip syncing to your favorite song?

have the grocery story become a chance to see how many people you can make eye contact with or make smile?

turn a day of errands into random acts of kindness day and see how many random acts you can do it one day?

take the mundane tasks of your life and shape them into the big bold adventure they deserve to be?

I know this is out of the box thinking--but when we can turn start living the mundane through new eyes then we open our lives up to more adventure and more happiness.

I believe if you can live your every day life with adventure and daring then when opportunities comes for adventure and daring you will be ready for it!! This is YOUR life--why not live happier??

********************************************************************************* Speaking of Living Happier in the Mundane ..have you joined the Live Happier Daily Challenge??? 

Go to the Nancy Jane Smith Live Happier Facebook page and post how you are Living Happier today.

Every day you participate you will be automatically entered into the drawing for a FREE copy of my upcoming Live Happier e-course.