Joyous Solstice

Today is officially the shortest day of the year. I have to admit this is one of my favorite days of the year.   Not just because from here on the days get longer.  But because it is a day of reflection a day of cozying up in my warm house and going to bed early.  I love the seasons, I admit I couldn't live in California or Florida.  I need the change and the contrast of the seasons.   I need the permission to hang on the couch with a warm blanket because it is snowy and cold outside.  I also need the sun and warmth of a June day when I can hang on my front porch and enjoy the flowers.  Without the contrast of this the shortest day we wouldn't have the appreciation of the longest days.  So Happy Solstice to you--enjoy the chance to eat a hearty meal, cozy up with a good book, catch up on some sleep and reflect on the changes of the season.


Also today marks the beginning of my vacation.  I have spent much of the weekend debating whether I was going to REALLY take the next 2 weeks off.  I decided a few weeks ago to not schedule any client appointments over these 2 weeks but I have a few writing projects (including this blog) that I am working on as well as making plans for 2010.  But last night I thought how wonderful it would feel to just take the time, clear my head and enjoy my holidays.  Frequently, because I am a small business owner I always have one foot in one foot out.  I rarely take a full fledged get away vacation as I did when I worked for an employer.  So this morning in the spirit of Living Happier and the Holiday season I decided to make it official.  I am taking a break. I am going to enjoy my holidays with my family and friends and embrace having some time to regroup and refresh.  I am going to practice what I preach and fill up my bucket over the next 2 weeks.  I hope you can take some time to enjoy your family and friends and embrace the peace that is the holiday season.   Happy Solstice, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!   Wishing you joy, peace and happiness. See you in 2010.

"So the shortest day came, and the year died,
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive,
And when the new year's sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us - Listen!!
All the long echoes sing the same delight,
This shortest day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, fest, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!!"
-   Susan Cooper, The Shortest Day

Conversations on Passion

As you know I am a big fan of living with passion.  In fact, I believe, it is one of the keys to Living Happier.  I believe we need to figure out our values, look at our somedays, make a list of the areas we want to explore.  I believe rather than career counseling we should have passion counseling where we can explore the areas of our live that make our heart sing.  I do not believe there is just one passion in our lives.  We can be passionate about a multitude of areas--the key is discovering them and then embracing them with gusto.  The happiest people I know have a varied group of passions and they engage in them regularly.

This week two of my favorite bloggers wrote something about living with passion that I thought you might enjoy.  So I am including their links here.  Miche who writes on the blog Serenity Hacker wrote an interesting post exploring Is Passion Necessary for a Meaningful Life?  The title alone really intrigued me.  And Michelle at BrazenSoul wrote a wonderful post discussing the idea of Contribution.

I love reading other people's thoughts on one of my favorite topics and I hope you do too!

Have a wonderful holiday weekend. Whether you are celebrating the last night of Hanukkah, finishing up your Christmas Shopping or preparing for the Winter Solstice.  Enjoy.

Lessons Learned from the Velveteen Rabbit

One of my favorite books is The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams.  I have a copy of it sitting on my book shelf and every now and then I will pick it up and read it.  For those of you who haven't read it--it is a child's book that tells the story of a velveteen rabbit who becomes real through the love of a little boy.

Early on in the story he meets the Skin Horse who is real, who explains to the Velveteen Rabbit what real means:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it Hurt?"

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happy all at once," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You become. It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But those things don't matter at all because once you are real you can't be ugly except to people who don't understand."

The story goes on that the Velveteen Rabbit does become real because he is so loved by the boy.  In a nut shell the story reminds us that when we are truly ourselves and truly loved we become genuine and real.

I admit usually when I read this story I read it from the perspective of me being the Velveteen Rabbit. Longing to be real and to have someone who loves me unconditionally no matter what.  I read it and become inspired to be REAL to celebrate my uniqueness and get out of the box as I talked about on Monday.

However, today when I picked it up to read it, I read it from the perspective of the little boy.  To be the person who unconditionally loves no matter what.  To be the person who looks at someone and love them quirks and all, annoying personality habits or less then perfect bodies and sees their realness their underlying gold.

If I asked you, I am sure you would say that you unconditionally love those close to you, your partners, your friends your family.  And I am sure in the big picture you do unconditionally love those close to you.  However, the test comes in the day to day, in the annoying habits and the frustrating quirks in the humanity.  Frequently, in the day to day monotony of our relationships we are making a mental tally of who has done more, who has done more dishes, who calls more, who initiates more, who has sacrificed more.  We get stuck in the ego of one upping and self protection.  We don't love with a reckless abandon. We don't look at our partner or friends with appreciation and joy for the daily contributions that make to our lives.  As I was reading the book I was struck by how difficult it is to really let go and LOVE someone for their REALNESS yet that is what we all long for, someone to take us in and look at our ugliness and love it anyway.

So today, my challenge to you, as you interact with those close to you, love them for who they are, for their failures and their successes for their hits and misses.  Love them like the little boy loved the Velveteen Rabbit.

It's Not About You.

Yesterday I wrote some tips on Living Happier Through the Holidays.  One of my tips was to remember that frequently when someone spews negative energy at you it is about them not about you.  So I recommended that you don't take on that energy. This tip is one of those that takes years to fine tune. It is very challenging to not take in what other people tell us--to not take in their advice, their negativity, their pain.

So I have to confess that after posting that tip I had that lesson taught to me multiple times yesterday.  In the spirit of full confession and the idea of spiraling up I thought today, I would share a couple lessons I learned around the concept of it's not about you.

My first lesson came early yesterday morning, after posting to my blog I went out for my morning walk with my dog, Mocha.  As we were walking, a woman was walking her dog across the street from us. I admit I wasn't paying attention and as her dog began to bark at Mocha, Mocha lurched across the street wanting to play with the other dog.  Because I wasn't paying attention, I didn't pull Mocha back fast enough and she headed out into the street.  The woman began yelling at me saying that I needed to control my dog (never mind that her dog started it with the barking, and Mocha is about as gentle as a down comforter, she merely wanted to play).  As we walked away from the 'altercation', I immediately started beating myself up, "I should have been paying attention, I should have a tighter control of Mocha, blah, blah blah".  Then I remembered what I had just said in my blog and I thought, ok this woman is clearly having a bad day. Yes, maybe I should have been paying attention but really her reaction did not fit the situation.  So after a little mental chatting with myself I moved on and enjoyed my walk with Mocha.

Then again, yesterday afternoon I was chatting with a friend and she was giving me advice about another relationship in my life.  Her advice was unsolicited and also hit a strong nerve in me. She hit one of my hot buttons (that honestly she didn't know about) and that advice triggered a slew of negative messages that had been put there years ago through multiple experiences, people and situations.  So I began to spin and spin on this advice which really was more about her view of relationship (advice usually is more about the  other person which is why it is rarely helpful). Fortunately, I called another friend of mine who is also an avid reader of my blog and she jokingly and lovingly pointed out the story of Buddha that I had written about yesterday.  She was right!  I was taking on the advice and allowing it to infiltrate my self esteem, allowing it to trigger my negative thoughts and beliefs.  With the help of this friend, I eventually was able to unhook the negative beliefs and had a wonderful evening baking christmas cookies.

Yesterday, I realized not only is Living Happier an ongoing event--something we have to work at every day of our lives--it involves a constant level of awareness.  We constantly receive messages that could cause us to spin and that spinning becomes an almost comfortable habit.  I admit pulling out the hammer and clubbing my back with it is habit, it tends to be my first reaction, it is my go to.  I need awareness around changing that.  Now at least I recognize when I am activating that old habit.  That awareness comes with the intention to change it, the action of reaching out to get help and then perseverance to resist the old habit of going negative.  A few years ago if advice from a friend had triggered a negative spin off I would have used that as a reason to hammer myself for the rest of the night, dragging out all my old negative stories and beliefs. I would have then drowned my sorrows in a bag of chocolate and bad TV. Fortunately as I spiral up I am able to unhook those beliefs and live happier!

What are some of your 'go to' negative habits?

Living Happier Through the Holidays

In the spirit of the holiday season I thought I would offer some tips for Living Happier through the Holiday Season.

Breathe

Frequently we get so caught up in the frenzy that is the holidays—shopping, parties, cooking, baking, wrapping—we forget to relax and breathe.  Take some pause time and savor the time of year.  Savor your family, friends, the joy of watching your children unwrap their presents, or the beauty of the tree or the fun of gathering with friends or family.  Take time to breathe, sleep and eat properly.  Take care of yourself.

Set your plan

What is it YOU want to get out of the holidays? What is your favorite part of the holiday season?  Finding the perfect gift, wrapping, baking cookies or hanging with family.  What is your least favorite part?  Finding the perfect gift, wrapping, baking cookies or hanging with family.  Make sure you engage in the activities you enjoy and limit the activities you don’t enjoy.  No one says you HAVE to do everything—if you don’t like baking, buy the cookies. If you hate wrapping--use gift bags.  The holidays are suppose to be a time of joy, so pay attention to what you enjoy about the holidays and engage in those activities.

Let go of perfection

The holidays, like life, are messy.  They rarely go according to plan so let go of the need for perfection.  Instead enjoy the foibles and mess-ups that happen because they are a part of the experience.  Again if you KNOW you love the act of baking cookies than the fact that one tray is a little too burnt it isn’t the end of the world, it is a part of baking.  There is no such thing as a perfect family holiday.  Families argue and fight presents get broken and mishaps happen. Rather than shooting for perfection find joy and humor in the inevitable mishaps.

SpeNDing time with Family isn’t always joyful.

In fact sometimes it can be challenging and painful.  So remember that you might have to go to Aunt Sally’s for Christmas dinner but that doesn’t mean you have to stay 5 hours and engage in the passive aggressive banter.  It is important to maintain your own sense of self at family gatherings and if you have a family that is not supportive or tends to belittle you—you don’t have to engage in that behavior.  It is helpful to think of yourself in a plexiglass box.  As family members engage in activities or say things that are harmful or hurtful they just hit the box.  The negative patterns don’t have to stick to you or your self worth.  

A friend of mine told me the story she had heard about Buddha.  Buddha was walking through town and ran into a man who began to give him a mouthful of negative criticism.  When the man finished Buddha looked at him and said, "No Thank you, I don't accept your thoughts, and I am giving them back to you because really they have more to do with you than me."  So true. Many times when people say negative things about us it is more about them then us.  When these activities occur simply remove yourself as quickly as possible.  Make sure to have people you can vent to or with who will help you not take in the negative thoughts. 

May you and those close to you have a wonderful holiday season!

Getting Out of the Box

There are 1000s of books written about finding your perfect career, finding your passion, etc.  It is rare that I find one that I think is inspiring or unique.  Dr. Ken Robinson who is a leading thinker on the idea of creativity and education wrote the book The Element.  In The Element, he talks about passion and creativity and the stumbling blocks we have as humans in figuring out what areas we are passionate about.  What I love about this book is what it isn't:  It is not a step by step guide to figuring out your passion, it is not of the theory that we have one passion and once we figure that out we are done, it is not a cookie cutter method of figuring out your passion.

In fact, one of Dr. Robinson's theories is that we each have unique ways of looking at the world, unique intelligences, unique gifts, unique ways of being creative and many times because of the education system, peer pressure etc we don't celebrate our uniqueness.  We don't celebrate our differences and therefore we miss our passions.  One of my favorite quotes from the book is "We are all born with extraordinary power of imagination, intelligence, feeling, intuition, spirituality and of physical and sensory awareness.  For the most part we only use a fraction of these powers, and some not at all.  Many people have not found their Element because they don't understand their own powers"

So frequently we try to put ourselves in a box, to normalize ourselves with the masses rather the recognizing our unique gifts, our unique passions, our unique selves our own power.  Dr. Robinson tells the story of a child named Gillian who was having trouble at school, she couldn't concentrate and was jittery through many of her classes. Her mother took her to a psychologist who talked with both her and her mother.  As she listened to them talk Gillian began to believe that maybe there were right maybe she wasn't a good person, a good student and she needed help.  Eventually the psychologist asked to see the mother in the hallway, as he walked out of the office he turned on the radio.  As the mother and the psychologist watched Gillian from the hallway (Gillian could not see them) they saw her begin to dance, the expression on her face was pure joy and her movements were graceful and beautiful.  The psychologist turned to the mother and said, 'she isn't sick she is a dancer, take her to dance school'. The mother did, and Gillian eventually became Gillian Lynne--one of the most accomplished choreographers our time.  Had they put her on medication told her that she was a problem child this gift would have been missed.

So I want you to pay attention to your special gifts.  For today, look at your life and your day to day activities.  What makes your heart sing, what brings you joy, what are you uniquely gifted at.  It could be doing excel spreadsheets, listening without judgment, organizing materials, singing to the radio, running a mile with ease,  playing imagination with your children, baking banana bread, or cooking without a recipe.  As you look at yourself outside of the box, write down your unique gifts.  Then I want you to put these unique gifts someplace special, hang them on your bathroom mirror, put them in your journal. I want you to put them in a place where you can see them and then I want you to celebrate them.  These gifts are unique and special to you!  They add passion to your life and make you a gift to the world.

So please for the world, celebrate you!

The Power of Hope

One of my favorite quotes is by Vaclav Havel, a playwright and the first president of the Czech Republic:

"Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimisim. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."--Vaclav Havel

This quote hangs in my home office and occasionally I will look up on my bulletin board and see it.  What I love about this quote is every time I read it--I pause---and I think and then always say "yep that is what I believe."  It is a good reminder for me.

A friend of mine is contemplating a big move in her life with her partner.  Yesterday she asked me why is it so much easier for us to go the negative rather than think about the positives?  My response was  'self protection'.  I believe we tend to convince ourselves we won't be disappointed or wrong if we look at all the negatives.

Which is why I love this quote.  It gives us permission to go ahead and hope, hope for the best, hope for a cure, hope for success, hope for victory and even if it doesn't happen it doesn't matter because the hope is in the fact that it makes sense for it to happen.  I had a client who really wanted to be a doctor she tried her hardest to get into medical school, she tried a couple of times actually.  As she waited to hear if she was getting in or not would she go back and forth between beating herself up for thinking she could and being totally excited about the possibilities.  Again her mind convinced her if she self protected she wouldn't feel stupid.  One day I gave her this quote and I said the beauty is that it makes sense for you to be a doctor even if it doesn't happen it is ok to hope for it.  She just smiled and thanked me.

Recently I got an e-mail from her she actually didn't get into med school and has decided to do more with medical research.  But she told me that that quote now hangs on her wall and she regularly looks at it to remind herself to keep hoping and to keep the negative voices at bay.

Hope is powerful part of the human spirit.  It is a key to Living Happier.  We all need a little hope.  I like this quote because it grounds me into remembering that I need to trust my gut,  know what makes sense to me and hope for that.  Then if it doesn't work out it, it is ok because it is grounded in who I am.

How does this quote resonate with you?  What are you hopeful about?  What makes sense to you regardless of how it turns out?

It's in the Little Things.

Yesterday I talked about living happier in one step at a time.  Basically Living Happier is about the little things--the every day mundane things that make us smile.  These things happen so quickly that if we aren't aware and watching we miss them.

So yesterday I decided to keep track of the little things that made me smile:

• My dog running into the kitchen caring her stuffed monkey in her mouth.  
• Getting a hilarious e-mail from my aunt which made me laugh out loud in the middle of the grocery store. 
• Sitting inside, nice and warm drinking my coffee looking out at the crisp winter morning (ignoring the fact that after I write this post the dog and I are headed out there) 
• My cat jumping on the bed to greet me as I get dressed so we can engage in a quick game of wrestling. (she always wins--claws are helpful in wrestling) 
• Enjoying one of my favorite comfort foods while hanging on the couch wrapped in a blanket.
• In the middle of my swim workout--in which I was debating just getting out and throwing away my swimsuit permanently--my instructor noticed I was struggling came over and suggested singing 'American Pie' under water. It just made me laugh and it worked.
• Talking to a friend of mine on the phone yesterday who said to me "I wish we saw each other more--in the span of 10 minutes I have been on the verge of tears and laughed so hard I almost peed my pants"  
• Overhearing a dad talking to a little girl while they were walking to school about the importance of walking vs taking the car to school because of the environment.  The girl REALLY wanted to be driving the 2 blocks to school and this explanation didn't really cut it for her.   Made me smile.

The real point of this post is not just for me to share my daily joys but for you to think about your own.  Pay attention over the next few days to the small joys, the things that bring a smile to your face or make you laugh. Then come back to this post and share them with us.  Let's make a list of ALL the little things that help us Live Happier.

And with that I am heading out in to the frozen tundra that is my neighborhood to walk my dog. Enjoy your day!

One Step at a Time

Living Happier is something I strive for every day. Something I work on with my clients. Something that I feel is my mission in life--to help people Live Happier.  I like the term 'live happier' because it is my belief that life is like a spiral and we keep spiraling up. We never really reach the place of pure happiness.  We might have moments and as we spiral up those moments become more and more frequent but happiness is not a pure attainable state.

Additionally, life is hard, and occasionally it throws challenges our way:  sickness, grief, break-ups, bad weather, major and minor inconveniences.  Lately, I feel as if everyone around me clients, friends, and family are dealing with one of the major challenges of life.  So how can we be living happier when there is so much grief and pain in the world?  And my answer, the one that keeps me getting up, out of bed and motivated to go to work is one step at a time.  We live happier by making that our goal. By putting one foot in front of the other and trying every day to see the little wonders in the world.  Yes, there might be major problems in our lives there might be grief and pain and hurt. AND in the midst of that there are little pieces of happiness:   my dog chewing with reckless abandon on her KONG (as she has been for the past 30 minutes) in pure joy, or the joy of getting to take a nap this morning, or the thrill of having good friends who listen and care and will let me just come to their house and veg out and watch a movie.

The point is Living Happier is a process and a choice.  It is making the choice each day to get up out of bed and greet the day, to face our pain and suffering AND look for the tidbits of joy.  So even if you aren't happy right now, even if you are dealing with financial problems, or losing a spouse or a major health crisis,  put one foot in front of the other and breathe.  Feel the pain and look for the joy and slowly but surely you will Live Happier.

Live Happier Tip: Listen with Gusto

In my opinion, the world would be a happier place if we would all just listen to each other.  Many times rather than listening ‘holding the space’ and really being there we go in to  ‘pseudo listening”  or listening lite.  Listening lite is when we pretend to listen, you know, when you are like yes, uh-huh, right, but you aren’t really engaged with the person.  Today I am sharing some of the more common listening lite's I have engaged in and experienced.

Preparing

You aren’t listening to the other person because you are just plotting in your head what you will say next.  You are trying to get your words right and get your argument perfect so you aren’t even hearing what the other person is saying.

One uping

When we are comparing ourselves to someone so we don’t really listen.  For example your partner says, like saying he has had a tough day at work and in your mind rather than listening to his day you are thinking, “are you kidding me?!?! I was out with the kids and then working and then running around my day has been 10000 times worse.  

Relating

This is a very common listening lite skill. When someone tells you a story you immediately start thinking about your own story that is similar.  It is similar to the one-upping but this is not listening it all it is trying to relate your life to the other persons. For example:  You just had the worst first date in the history of dating as you go to share it with your friend she immediately starts sharing about her worst first date in history.  So you know she isn't really listening to you and your unique awful first date story she is relating in her mind her story to yours.

Problem Solving

When we problem solve we are listening only to solve the problem and not really ‘hold the space'.  This again is a common listening lite skill.  We THINK we are helping by trying to solve the persons problems but really they just need us to listen.  I admit this is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves and I really do pride myself on not engaging in problem solving.  But even I get stuck in this one from time to time.  A few months ago a friend of mine had called me to tell me that she was having panic attacks and was overwhelmed.  I immediately knew how to solve the problem! I knew that she needed a mini vacation, she needed to stop doing everything for her family, she needed to take a break! So being the good friend I am, I started plotting exactly what she needed to do and started to tell her my ideas.  Then I heard her voice shift I heard her tearing up over the phone. And I said, "“I am sorry, we aren’t problem solving here, we are listening right?” and she said “yes, I just need some support right now I don’t need a solution”.  I was busted!  Even though I had the best intentions what most of us really need is a little support!

Confrontation

When you are in conformation mode you only listen long enough to catch the other person in a lie or to gather information for your counter argument.   Confrontation is a common one when engaged in conflict or feeling attacked. 

All of these listening lite tendencies can be stopped through awareness techniques.  First you have to notice that you engage in them, you might notice them the next day, then the next hour and gradually you notice it in the moment.  It might be helpful to share with your friends/partners that you are working on these tendencies so they can help you build your awareness in a loving supportive way.

So this week live happier and listen with gusto!!

Which listening lite tendencies do you struggle with the most?

The Danger of Relationship Messages

I admit this weekend I watched a few too many Lifetime Christmas movies, which has me thinking about the messages women receive around relationships. These Christmas movies usually have some forlorn single woman who is once again alone for the holidays and is dreading spending the holidays with her family because they will once again belittle her for still being single.  The main character is usually portrayed as a super strong independent woman and that is the reason why she hasn't found a suitable partner because she is too career focused, too stubborn, too independent , etc.  Eventually she meets some wonderful man either through a magical Christmas list, Santa wish or some form of interference from the pesky friends and family.  Thrown in some misunderstandings, the woman being too independent, the guy being too nice and then the happy ending where the guy saves her from her loneliness and we have a movie. This from my research on my couch is the formula for an appropriate romantic Christmas movie.

So the messages we receive are:

1. Being strong and independent is a negative
2. Once you have a relationship everything gets easier 
3. You will never be lonely again
4. The guy will take care of everything 
5. Family and friends mean well but in the end it is all about the relationship.

In reality:

1. Being strong and independent is healthy and normal and one can be in a relationship and be strong/independent. 
2. Relationships are work, they are filled with miscommunications, misunderstandings. I mean seriously you are dealing with another human being here (and even though the movies would have you believe it you can't read their minds) 
3. Yes, being in a relationship means you have a plus one but it doesn't guarantee no more loneliness, it is very possible to be in a relationship and feel lonely (in fact, many people do) 
4. The guy won't take care of everything because that is just impossible.  A good relationship is a team effort. 
5. You need all kinds of relationships, family, friends, life partner to make your life complete. 

So in my observation through my clients and observing society we have two extremes:

• One:  Women are waiting for their Mr. Right to come sweep them away and make life perfect.  
• Two: (I believe this is a back lash to number one)Women are saying they don't need a man, they are strong independent and won't compromise their lives for a man.  Secretly they believe when they find the right guy it won't be a sacrifice because he will be perfect and love their independent ways and take care of them , etc. 

A prime example of number 2: I had a client who was dating a guy who was getting ready to move away for a job.  They had been dating for around a year and she was debating whether or not she wanted to move with him.  She kept telling me that if she moved she would be pathetic because she wanted to be a strong woman and not NEED a guy.  She thought she would be weak if she followed him.  She also really loved the guy, had a career that would allow her to relocate fairly easily and when she listened to her gut she really wanted to go with him.  We spent much of our time together helping her get clear on what she really wanted not what the messages were sending her. She realized that needing someone wasn't all bad, and she couldn't imagine not having a life without him in it even if that meant to some people she might appear pathetic.  She eventually decided to move with him (he moved a few months ahead of her and then she followed him) and last I heard they are doing well.

Both types of camps are missing the true reality:  Relationships are hard. They require work, love, compromise, communication, caring, vulnerability, and strength.  Relationships are messy, complicated, joyous, lonely, and bonding.  Relationships involve meeting another human being and genuinely accepting their humanity.  They involve working together as a team to bring out the best in each other.  Each relationship is as unique and wonderful as we are as individuals.  There is no secret or magic bullet. Relationships are a joyous part of life that require us to show up as ourselves on a daily basis.

When we let go of the stereotypes and the generalizations and look at our relationships as a unique experience we can live happier.

What is your view of relationship?  What are your keys to relationship success?

What Makes Us Happy? Interview with Dr. George Vaillant

Today I am trying something new--in lieu of my usual Live Happier ramblings--I am posting a video.  This video is an interview with a researcher Dr. George Vaillant, who followed 268 men for 72 years, from the time they entered Harvard in the late 1930s until now.  Here is what he learned from those men:

The article What Makes Us Happy? appeared in the Atlantic June 2009. 
 FYI my new favorite quote: " Happiness is love. Full Stop." --Dr. George Vaillant

What are some of your favorite quotes--related to Happiness or not?

Missing the Boat.

As I have said in the past,  I am a big fan of stories. Here is one of my favorites:

There was a man who lived by the river in a small town, he had heard a warning on the radio that the town was going to flood and everyone needed to evacuate.  But the man stayed in his house knowing God would save him.  Soon a small boat rowed up and offered to help him, but he sent the man away, knowing God would save him.   Next, a helicopter flew by and offered to throw down a ladder, but the man again sent the helicopter away knowing God would save him.  Eventually the water overtook the man's house and he drowned.  When he got to heaven, he demanded an audience with God, he said to God "I believed, I waited, I thought you loved me, why didn't you save me?" God replied, I sent you a radio report, a boat and a guy in a helicopter, what the hell are you doing here?"

I tell this story not to have a debate on religion, but because I think it is applicable whether you are religious or not.  Because it illustrates well, how often we miss the opportunities in our lives because we are looking elsewhere.  We miss the little joys or even the big breaks because we are too busy looking ahead, or thinking what if or just sitting around doing nothing.  Life rarely works out the way we think it is going too and changes rarely happen in monumental shifts.  But all day every day there are small miracles happening, small little events that can dramatically effect our lives.  We may, like the man by the river, want a grand miracle or a giant gesture and so we miss the little tiny events that could cause giant shifts.  We miss the helpful hints, the words of encouragement, and the small signs of support.

So today pay attention to the little miracles and the small opportunities that are happening in your life.

Live Happier Tip: Celebrate You

One of my favorite blogs is called the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  She spent a year working improving her Happiness and then wrote a book about it, which is coming out next week.

Her first tip, for her Happiness  Project is 'Be Gretchen'.  All of her tips are wonderful, but hands down this is my favorite tip.  I love that idea and frequently encourage my clients to follow their gut, go with their instincts and not worry about what everyone else thinks.  Be genuine.  The problem I have found with many of my clients the concept of listening to yourself is totally foreign.  Many of my clients have no idea what they value, enjoy, or need. If given a day to do whatever they want, a day of play, they would have no idea how to spend their time.  They have lost themselves in their many roles of parent, partner, friend, son/daughter.  There is a loss of 'who am I and what do I want out of my life'.

I believe that being genuine, being yourself and striving to listen to your own inner voice above those around you will help you live happier.  We get caught in the trap of trying to fill a role, be the best, and we lose ourselves. We become trapped in self judgment and the inner critic tends to take over. When we are acting from a place of genuine care, being true to ourselves, our world becomes more open and we become more relaxed.  Our interactions are more meaningful because we aren't always thinking about what to say or how to say it:  we are just being ourselves.

So in the quest to be you and live happier.  Today ask yourself these questions:

• What 5 traits do I love about myself? 

• What activities do I love to do? (maybe you haven't done them in awhile--maybe you will have to think back to high school/college to come up with them)

• What are 5 things that I might have lost about myself that I use to really like? (e.g. listening to music, dancing, reading, deep conversations, hanging with friends)

• What are my unique gift(s) to the world?  (this is a BIG one I know--but what is it you offer to the world that no one else does--maybe it is that you make the best pumpkin pie, or you tell the best stories, or you listen better then anyone you know--be creative)

These questions are just the start.  We are all wonderful, individuals with unique gifts and talents.  Today have some curiosity around your uniqueness and start sharing it with the world.  As we begin to celebrate ourselves we can start living from a place of genuine strength.  So today celebrate you.  Be your fabulously, wonderful, unique, talented self and share it with the world!!!

Not all Running is Good for You.

So in the spirit of confessing:  I admit over the past few days I have been in a bit of a mood.  I have been overly anxious and a bit grouchy, many of my 'go to' things weren't working. The activities that normally 'fill up my bucket' weren't helping me improve my mood.

Then I realized I was in run mode--Ah run mode--fortunately these days it is something that doesn't rear it's head very often.  For years, it was my standard way of living.  I would always be in run mode.  What is run mode you are asking?  Run mode is when you have something big in your life, that you aren't facing.  Maybe it is a big stressor or sadness, maybe it is a conflict or a fear.  It can be something quite small--but your mind convinces yourself that it is HUGE and you need to run.  So you run from thing to thing--you run from activity to activity looking for something to fill the hole to fill the anxiety that has been created by this stressor.  Some signs of run mode for me are: nothing satisfies me, tendency to be extremely anxious and critical (of self and others), and a fear of being alone so I book myself up with activities.  The point is I run from myself so I can focus on running and anxiety and not on the stressor. Sometimes if you are really good at it (like I was) you can put your stressor energy onto something completely unrelated like your relationship, children, friends.  So you might start a fight with a partner because you know it is 'safe' and you can put all your stress energy on to that fight.

The KEY is to face the fear, anger, conflict, sadness not to run from it.  The first key is to notice that you are in run mode at all.  For example, yesterday as I was driving home and realized I had an entire evening of no plans, I went into a cold sweat.  Because I usually look forward to an evening of no plans, I had an immediate awareness that something was wrong and I realized 'hey I am in run mode'.  I came home and started journaling and eventually came to what was REALLY going on.  At first you might not catch yourself in run mode until days later, or it will be 1 day later and then it will be in the moment. The goal is to catch yourself before you do too much collateral damage.

Once you catch yourself in run mode then the goal is to figure out what is REALLY stressing you, what is the source:  a conflict, anger, sadness.  To do this it is helpful to get quiet with yourself, to journal, take a walk or talk to a friend.  In essence, the goal is to do the opposite of what you really want to do:  stop running and face yourself.  But the beauty is once you stop running and face the issue it becomes much less powerful.  Once you express the emotions you have been running from (e.g. cry, scream, yell, etc) you will wonder why you have spent all that time running.

This is a powerful and challenging process. Like I said I have been working on this issue for years--spiraling up.  It is one of those that we need to stay aware of.  Much of the every day anxiety we feel is because we are in run mode--we are trying to avoid something that might be negative so we create anxiety around other things to keep the stress/conflict at bay.  It might feel counter-intuitive but we actually Live Happier when we are able to face our emotions and not default to run mode.  What are your run mode symptoms?  What tends to be your trigger for run mode (conflict, anger, sadness)?

It's the Holiday Season: Expectations of Perfection

I decided to take some time off from writing last week to enjoy the holiday with my family.  It was a nice weekend filled with new and old traditions.  I hope your holiday weekend was relaxing and enjoyable.

Yesterday, as I was decorating the front of my house with lights and pine garland (a new tradition) I was thinking about the holiday season.  It is a time filed with traditions, events, gatherings, etc.  In other words, my friend, it is a time that can be loaded with expectations of perfection.  It is a time when the bar is set high: when the cookies have to be perfect, the parties have to be merry and the gifts have to be meaningful.  I admit over the past few years I have become more cynical about my holidays.  I use to be a big holiday girl.  I was little Ms. Christmas.  I knew all the traditions and made sure my family completed each one to perfection.  Then that got old--it is exhausting to constantly be trying to hit the expectation, trying to make each year better than the last: more merry, more joyful, more special.   So I admit I became a tiny bit of Ms. Scrooge.  I still pretended I was a big Christmas fan but inside I was tired, tired of the traditions, tired of the 'shoulds', tired of running from party to party, tired of finding the perfect gift just tired of forcing merry on to myself.

So then I had a brainstorm--what if I just enjoyed the holiday?  What if I didn't worry about all the expectations and traditions?  What if I just engaged in the activities/parties/events/people with whom  I really wanted to spend my holidays?  What if I stopped running around and simply enjoyed the holiday? This small shift it has made a tremendous difference in my holiday world view.  So this holiday season I am challenging you to simplify, simplify, simplify.  As the saying goes: Remember the reason for the season.  Whether the holidays are religious or secular for you, I think we can all agree a reason for this season is to remind ourselves of the simplicity in peace and joy.  It isn't about finding the perfect gift, wearing the perfect outfit or throwing a perfect tradition filled party.  It is about celebrating a time when the world is a little more joyful, when lights are a glow, hot cocoa is savored and family and friends gather.  It is about being in the holiday and experiencing the many joys it has to offer.

So this year I challenge you to let go of your expectations and your tradition perfection.  View the holiday season with new eyes.  Eyes of simplicity.  Recognize you have choices in how you want to spend your holiday season: whether that be running from party to party or enjoying a hot toddy next to the tree.  Simplify and enjoy.  May this Holiday Season bring you a wonderful mixture of peace and joy.

Giving Thanks.

This post originally appeared in my newsletter a couple of years ago--I thought it was worth repeating here.  I hope you and those close to you have a wonderful relaxing Thanksgiving Holiday.  Peace.

I have found that people tend to have specific opinions about the Thanksgiving Holiday--there seems to be two schools of thought. One group views it as a simple holiday where the pure purpose is to give thanks.  It is not overwhelmed with commercialism or choosing between secular or religious meanings, (like Christmas) it is just a holiday about giving thanks.  

The second group tends to be those who think Thanksgiving is just a warm-up for the big rush of Christmas.  Just a tester to see how things will go this holiday season--kind of a mini-Christmas.  I must admit I use to be in the second camp.  Christmas was my holiday--the three day extravaganza where my family gathers to bond and celebrate.  So Thanksgiving pallid in comparison.  But now as I have gotten older and have experienced more I tend to be more in the first group.  I have developed more traditions around this holiday and enjoy gathering with my family during the day and then my friends in the evening.  Giving thanks for our many many blessings, for the bullets we have dodged and the bullets we did not and the friends and family who helped us through. 

Which camp do you belong to? What are you thankful for?  What are your blessings? What bullets have you dodged and if you didn't who held your hand through the pain?  This is the point of Thanksgiving--Giving Thanks.  Not the size of the turkey, how much you ate, whether Aunt Edna had too much to drink, or whether you got a good deal at the day after sale events.  

The point of Thanksgiving, is looking back at the year and giving thanks for all that has come your way, all that hasn't and for those who were there for you through joy and pain.  So regardless of your opinion about Thanksgiving take time this year to give some thanks. 

Taking Care of the Little One

In the self help world a lot is written about 'healing the inner child'. The basic theory being that we all have a little boy/girl inside of us who occasionally comes out even when we are adults. The self help world has taken the theory and run with it in a negative light. Rather than being an interesting theory that we can use to grow and change, it has become a method to explain away negative behavior and turned in to a hokey self help concept.  (ok, now stepping down from my soap box)

I am a fan of the basic concept of the inner child.  I do believe that my Little One comes out from time to time, she gets scared and insecure and even throws temper tantrums.  Frequently, this Little One comes out to 'play' when we are triggered by something, a scary event, a family gathering, a death or something that takes us back to our early years. When I notice that I am being overly insecure or scared about an event I will simply put my hands over my heart and say to my Little One 'you know what?  I got this'.  'You don't need to worry about it I am an adult and I can handle this one. Immediately it feels as if I have taken a giant sigh of relief.  It is a good exercise because A. It brings awareness around the fear B. it reminds me that 'hey I am an adult here and I CAN handle this situation C. it quiets the inner insecurities.

Last year, I was working with Jill* who was going through a divorce.  After 20 years of marriage her husband decided he was done and had found someone else. Jill was left with 3 children and no idea who she was or what came next.  Jill and I did a lot of work helping her figure out what she needed and who she was.  As Jill was going through all these changes and making a lot of decisions she never had to make before, her Little One would come out frequently.  She started paying attention to her Little One, noticing when she would come out (usually after a conversation with her ex or when she had to take charge of a situation).  Gradually she started talking to her Little One in a gentle way and as Jill developed her own confidence in her decisions and skills her Little One became less and less powerful.  Jill said to me "I think I have been living most of my life letting Little Jill make the decisions from a place of an 8 year old rather than Adult Jill"  I agreed with her and I think many of us let our Little One (our insecurities, our fears, our anger) control our lives.

The next time you start feeling scared or insecure do a check in with yourself--has your Little One come out to play? Are you viewing the world from the eyes of a 6 year old?  And if the answer is yes, place your hands on your heart and gradually start talking to your Little One--and assuring them all is well---you got this--you are a grown up.   Our Little Ones are there for a reason to help us see that life is scary and we do have insecurities. And it is our role as adults to comfort the Little One and then move through the fear so we can Live Happier.

*names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality

Career Counseling vs. Passion Counseling

Recently, I have been seeing a lot of clients for career counseling. I have a love/hate relationship with career counseling.  On one hand, I am extremely passionate about careers. I started my counseling career doing career counseling and have a very strong passion around it.   I believe finding our passion/purpose and living it is essential to Living Happier.  However, I believe our life is multi-faceted it isn't chopped up into silos it is a huge conglomerate of passions, interests, people, and values.  Career is merely one facet of our lives.

It is my theory based on my years of career counseling that MOST people who have really thought about it know what they their passion/purpose is.  They are just scared.  They might be too scared to say it out loud,  they might be too practical to admit it to themselves, or they might have said it out loud and been told it is a bad idea.  These people get stuck in the syndrome of obsessing what's next rather then thinking how do I get there?

The reason I dislike carer counseling is I wish rather than just looking at career we could look at life as a whole.  I guess, my problem with career counseling is I think it should be called passion counseling--how to have more passion in your life.  Because like I said, life is one huge multi-faceted gift and we have the choice every day to get up and make it what we want.  We have the choice to play with our kids, work in the yard, smile at a co-worker, or laugh with our partner.  We have the choice to live our passions in big and little ways.

Today think about what are your passions, what makes your heart sing, they can be big or little. The key is adding pieces of your passion into your every day life. If I looked at your life and the activities you engage in, could I see what you are passionate about?  Do you express your passions in the relationships you have and the things you do?

Live Happier Tip: Move your Body

Yes, we are back to basics this week for the Live Happier Tip: Move your Body.  Before you freak out about lack of time, no money to join a gym etc.  I am not talking about engaging in a 2 hour daily workout (if you enjoy that and want to do that I say Rock On!-but it's not for everyone) I am just saying move your body (stretch, dance, walk) .  One of the keys to Living Happier is to have some awareness below the neck.  One of the best ways to do that is to move your body.

I am a big fan of exercise in general, it decreases my anxiety, it makes me more aware of my body, it strengthens my muscles and keeps my heart healthy.  But I recognize that not everyone has the time, or the desire to hit the gym or the treadmill every day.  I am all about being rational and practical and working with what you have.  Maybe working out every day is unrealistic but you can still move your body.  You can add little rituals into your day that allow you to increase awareness in your body.  Body awareness allows us to feel when we are stressed, tired, anxious, etc.

Ritual examples include:

• Take 5 minutes to stretch every morning when you get out of bed or before you hop in the shower. 
• Put on some good dance music and dance while you do chores (e.g. cook dinner, do laundry, wash dishes, clean the house)
• Do some simple stretches each time you sit at your desk
• Take a walk around your office building during lunch
• Take a walk around your block after you eat dinner
• Park in the furthest spot possible and walk to the store.
• Take the stairs instead of the elevator
• While you are watching TV do some stretches during the commercials if you are really motivated do sit-ups or push-ups.

Each of these take 5 minutes and are simple ways to add movement into your day.  As you begin to be more aware of your body you become more aware of what your bodies needs.  Maybe your back is tight and you realize you need to stretch more or you need a massage.  Maybe your legs hurt and you realize you need new shoes.  The point is moving our body is good for our health both mentally and physically. So this week add a little body movement into your day and I promise it will help you Live Happier.

If it's so good for me, why doesn't everyone do it?

Last week I did a presentation on Present Moment Awareness. As you all know it is one of my favorite topics because I think it is one of the major keys to Living Happier. I absolutely love speaking and it is even more enjoyable when there is a lot of audience participation, which there was at this event.  One of the ladies asked me "if having awareness is so good for us, why don't more people do it?" what a great question.  My gut response was (and what I said) "because it is hard".  It is hard to strive for awareness and it is hard to have awareness, to take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and needs. In many ways, it is easier to walk through life as a victim, blaming other people or blaming ourselves, and taking the path of least resistance.  Sometimes it is easier to just live-stuck on the treadmill, stuck in the patterns, yes they might have uncomfortable circumstances but at least they are comfortable.

It is a similar question to if exercising is good for you why don't more people do it?  Because it is hard it requires us to sweat and get out of breath and we might not be good at it at first. But when we do exercise and it becomes a regular part of our lives we feel better,  our anxiety decreases, our hearts are healthier, our muscles feel better.  Overall we feel better.

As with awareness--at first we aren't very good at it--it is a stretch to be aware of what's happening around us.  It is a stretch to get off the hamster wheel and pay attention to both our inner and outer world.  But gradually we learn that when we start being aware of our life and what is going on around us--our world opens up.  We see little wonderful things that we have missed in the past.  Life opens up in HD/3-D/technicolor!  We also learn that we have a responsibility in life--we are responsible for our feelings, our reactions, for speaking our needs and for noticing when we are too stressed or too tired. We can't blame our spouse our co-workers, our family we are responsible for our own happiness!!  I admit both a freeing and irritating concept.  The beauty is when we start taking control of our thoughts feelings and needs we are empowered.  We are stimulated we realize we don't have to be victims.  We have a say in our lives and what we want to get out of them!!

A client recently said to me--Awareness means I can have a more full life but it also means I can't take the path of least resistance anymore!  As with the idea of embracing both--awareness allows us to live bright vibrant lives, and prevents us from floating along.  As with exercise, it is exhausting, energizing, empowering, and challenging and a DEFINITE key to Living Happier.

Embrace the Mess--Holding Both

As I have moved through my journey of Living Happier the biggest (and at times, hardest) lesson I have learned is life isn't black and white.  Life is a big, colorful mess.  Life is full of emotions, thoughts and needs few of which we can put neatly in a box or precisely label.  In fact sometimes, two opposite extremes are usually true: you love your partner AND you are frustrated by him/her.  You are supportive of your child in playing a sport AND you are worried for his/her safety. You like your job AND you are having a bad day.  You are sad your parents are getting older AND you enjoy every moment you spend with them. We have opposite extremes all the time--a friend of mine calls it 'holding both'.  We are holding two extremes of being happy and sad or frustrated and thankful.  

I believe a secret to Living Happier is to embrace the mess that is life.  When we embrace the concept of 'holding both' we can fully experience life.  I have a client (Sara*) who recently lost her mother to cancer.  When she first came into see me her mother had just been diagnosed.  Throughout the process of her mom's death which was relatively quick I encouraged her to hold both--to express her sadness around losing her mom and to feel the gratitude of the moments when she and her mom laughed and shared.  After her  mom had died, Sara said that if she hadn't had the concept of holding both she would have missed many special moments with her mom.

Examples of holding both, happen all the time in our day to day lives: being frustrated at a co-worker and understanding why they messed up, being sad about a loss of a job and relieved that you didn't get it, being angry at your partner and sympathetic at the same time.  Frequently we try to squelch one of the feelings because it doesn't fit into a black and white world or it isn't logical.  Well, my friend, life is not logical.  Life is messy, full of contrasts and conflicts, it is rich with color. Be curious and supportive of all your emotions, all the many colors you experience in your life!  Embrace the mess and Live Happier!

*names and details have been changed to protect confidentiality

In the Dog House.

My dog, Mocha, LOVES to be outside. She sleeps inside the house, but for the better part of the day she enjoys hanging on the back porch surveying her land--well really the postage stamp that is my back yard.  So I decided I should buy her a dog house because I want to keep her protected and dry during the winter.  Mocha wants nothing to do with the dog house--I have spent much of this week trying to coax her in to it. I have tried filling it with her blanket, her toys, clothes of mine etc.  Short of crawling in it myself (as a friend suggested) I have pretty much done everything.  There was one brief moment, I found her in the dog house, but I think she was just heading in to get her stuffed monkey.

So the other night I come home late and I couldn't find Mocha--finally after a few panicked moments she rises from under the deck--it was dark so I didn't really inspect it.  The next day I checked it out--here she has made a little nest for herself under the deck.  She has dug a hole and has a nice sized spot for her to hang out under the protection of the deck.

There sits the wonderful shiny new dog house and she would rather hang under the deck in the dirt!  I was thinking how often do we spend our time trying to convince someone else to do something or thinking we know better when really they have it under control?   Mocha handled the situation--she will be warm and dry under the deck.  But I am convinced she needs to be in the shiny new dog house because I honestly think she would be happier there.  But the point is she is happy--I am the one who has spent my week obsessing about it.  I have been the one who has tied myself up in knots trying to convince her to do what I think would be best for her and she already has it figured out.  Isn't it ironic,  my goal was to keep her warm and dry--somewhere I lost sight of that goal and my goal became to manipulate her into hanging in the dog house.  How often does that happen in our lives?

Many times we think we are doing the right thing for someone we think we are being helpful and caring when really we are trying to force our opinion on to them.  We think we know how best to handle a conflict that someone else is having, we think we know the perfect job for our partner, we think we know the best college for our child to attend.  Sometimes people (or dogs) do need our help but rarely do they need us to force our thoughts, behaviors or "what is best" on to them--most of the time they just need us to hold the space.  Not only will it help them live happier if we aren't stuffing our agenda down their throat it will help us live happier.

The next time you start obsessing about what someone should do, or what you think is best--stop and think is this another dog house situation?  Am I taking on someone else's stuff that they can handle? Separating your stuff from their stuff will help you live happier.

Live Happier Tip: Eating with Awareness

Brooke Castillo is a life coach who wrote a wonderful book called If I Am So Smart Why Can't I Lose Weight.  Her weight loss theory is about paying attention to what we eat and why we eat it.  In the book, she gives a wonderful example about mindful eating.  Let's say you have had a terrible day, people have yelled at you, you have made mistakes, and your stress level is through the roof.  You have just finished eating dinner, you are full but still stressed out.  You go to a friend's house and all your friends are drinking wine and sitting around a table chatting. On the table are all your favorite foods.  According to Brooke--the fact that you had a bad day has nothing to do with the fact that all your favorite foods are on the table.  So in theory you should be able to walk into the room, sit down and share your bad day with your friends and because you are already full not eat all the food on the table.  The first time I read this example, I was blown away! What a unique idea!?!?  Food and emotions not linked?  Who would have thought it?

It is my contention that if we start becoming more aware of not just what we eat but why we eat we will Live Happier.  So today's live happier tip is eating with awareness.  For most of us, food is linked to an emotion whether it be joy, stress, saddness, pain, frustration.  We often 'reward' ourselves with a big cookie or a bag of potato chips or for me Reese' cups.  I know when I start craving a bag of Reese cups I am in trouble. When I don't just stop at one or two.  When I pull the bag out of the cupboard, plop myself on the couch and start unwrapping them like a mad woman--something is off. I am mindlessly eating and that means somewhere there is an emotion that is going unchecked.

Living Happier is about having awareness around what we are eating and why.  When we mindlessly stuff ourselves to the point of beyond full, not only are we physically uncomfortable but we haven't really listened to the internal clues our emotions are giving us.  The key is to pay attention as we are eating-Do you want a piece of chocolate cake?  Then eat one, enjoy every wonderful bite, don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, enjoy it!  Frequently, we decide to eat a piece of chocolate cake and miss how wonderful it tastes because we are beating ourselves up for it.  To the same end if you get a piece of chocolate cake and it tastes bad then don't eat it.  Sometimes because we FINALLY allow ourselves to eat a piece of chocolate cake we will eat it even though it isn't delicious.

Unfortunately in our country we have a lot of negative messages around food--we need to separate food from emotions.  WAY easier said than done--but it all starts with awareness. So pay attention to what you are eating today--how does it taste? Are you enjoying it? Why are you eating it?, Are you already full?, Are you eating it as a reward or because you deserve it rather than because you really want to eat whatever is in front of you?  When we have awareness around eating we can start enjoying our food and our lives more.  We can deal with our emotions AND enjoy our food.

Relax, Relax

I have been taking swim lessons at Lifetime Fitness for a few months now.  I really enjoy it and my swim stroke has greatly improved.  I grew up with a pool, so I am very familiar with the water.  I am very comfortable jumping off the diving board, holding my breath all the way across the pool and can play a mean game of 'marco polo'.  But what I didn't know how to do is swim a stroke correctly--I had no idea how to swim the front crawl or the back stroke.  At first, I was just going to do 4 lessons. But 4 have turned into 12 and now I have fins and hand paddles and I have learned there is this whole complex world revolved around swimming. It is WAY more than just being able to get from one side of the pool to the other. Not only have I learned a lot about my swim stroke I have had a few aha moments about living happier in the pool.

A few months ago, I wrote about how swim pace is linked to happiness and yesterday I had another similar aha moment during my lesson.  Yesterday,  I was learning how to swim the back stroke at 'race pace'.  As I swam using all my muscles, concentrating on form, trying not to just give up, my swim instructor started yelling 'relax, relax' from the side of the pool.  My first thought was, " Relax? I am racing here, there is no relaxing?!?!" and then I thought "Oh maybe I can relax AND do race pace" and you know what? I did and I did better.  Unfortunately, me swimming with my instructor yelling 'relax,  relax' became a bit of a theme for this lesson--I admit it is a tough lesson for me.  As I walked away from the pool, I thought wouldn't it be wonderful if I had a little person who walked around with me and when I got stressed he said "relax, relax" like my swim instructor did.

Many of us tend to be a white knucklers. We face life holding on for dear life, worried we are going to make a mistake, worried we are doing it wrong or we just give up.  We get tunnel vision on our lives, our relationships, our jobs.  We white knuckle our way through each day living in a state of worry and inadequacy.  For some of my clients the idea of letting go, relaxing into life seems counter-intuitive.  Because somewhere we learned the lesson:  the tighter we hold on the more control we have the happier we will be.  I am here to tell you that is incorrect, my friend.  The truth is the times in my life when I have learned to 'relax, relax' to let go, and release control are the times when happiness comes in.   The times I just chill and stop white knuckling my relationships improve, my career is more fulfilling and I am happier.  In reality, the relationship and career improvements are just a bonus to the huge sigh of relief that I take when I just relax, relax and I remember white knuckling does NOT equal happiness.

So from now on when you feel yourself trying to hold on to control, trying to do everything perfectly or afraid of complete failure think of my swim instructor screaming "relax, relax", take a deep breath and release control.  I swear it will help you Live Happier.

Taking a Risk--Making a List

I admit, I am BIG fan of chick-lit.  One of my favorite self care activities is to crawl into bed with my cat nestled up next to me and read chick-lit.  Side note: When I am doing that I always think of Iyanla Vanzant who said, one of  her favorite self care activities was to lie on her bed, bra off, watching reruns of Law and Order--she showed me self care can be whatever you want as long as it feeds your soul.

So last night I got the special thrill of starting a new book called--The Next Thing on My List by Jill Smolinski.  The premise of the book is that the main character, June was in a car accident which killed her passenger, Marissa, whom she just met.  In the car wreckage, June found a list Marissa had made of the 25 things she wanted to do before she turned 25.  As a tribute and to relieve her own guilt June decides to complete the list.

While I was reading, I started thinking about this concept.  It spoke to me because it wasn't a somedays list--the list wasn't a crazy, might only happen in my wildest dreams, if the planets align and I win the lottery list. It consisted of activities that would push me (just a little bit) out of my comfort zone.  In the book, some of the activities were:  Wear sexy shoes, show my brother how grateful I am for him, take mom and grandma to see Wayne Newton, kiss a stranger.  In the book, Marissa had just lost 100 lbs after being overweight her whole life so her list was very much about experiencing a more sensual side of life.
So last night I got out of bed and started brainstorming the 25 things I wanted to complete before I turn 40.

What I love about this activity is it challenged me to think out of the box, to think of what I wanted to accomplish over the next few years.  To look at life in broad sweeping strokes as an adventure where anything was possible.  But also because I have a limited timeframe--the list is realistic and speaks to who I am and what I value right now.  I am a big believer that taking risks (even small ones) and being open to adventure helps us Live Happier.  When we stretch ourselves we get to experience our full potential, we get the thrill of trying something new and the excitement of pushing ourselves. Life is about experiences, it is my belief the more we experience in our lives the more we can live happier.  The magic is these experience can range from reading a good book curled up in bed, to sky diving.

My challenge for you today is just to think about what your list would include.  Pick a date in the future and just brainstorm some ideas for the activities/events you want to experience over the next few years.  

Self Imposed Cages

One of my favorite books is called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach.   In her book, she tells the story of Mohini a white tiger who lived at the Washington DC National Zoo.  For years, Mohini had a tiny little cell that he lived in.  Because it was so small--Mohini would just pace back and forth in his cell.  He would spend his days walking the same path, back and forth, back and forth, until it was a well worn path.  Finally, the zoo raised enough money and they were able to build a beautiful natural habitat for him with lots of grass and trees. There was a big opening and they let Mohini in to the new habitat and he immediately went to a far corner and started pacing back and forth back and forth. He did not explore his new surroundings or even look around he just found a spot and began pacing.

The first time I heard this story, I was listening to Tara speak at a conference. I was just blown away by the story. Stories do the best job of just shaking our core.  It was a wow moment for me, because I can remember where I was sitting, my reaction and how it felt to hear that story.   I realized that in my own life and in my clients lives we frequently keep ourselves in a cage unnecessarily.  We feel locked into something, we feel stuck, but the cage is imaginary.  If we would only look up and look around we could see the possibilities.  We would realize the cage is made up of our own limiting beliefs and negative self talk our own shoulds, and what-ifs.  The cage isn't real.

It some ways it is safe to live in a self imposed cage.  The cage gives us a place to put the blame and keeps us safe.  It prevents us from really having to take a risk, or to face our fears and our inner critic.     Unfortunately the pain comes in when we realize we have lived a life stuck on a path that we didn't really want, that we didn't really chose.  All we have to do is lift our heads up, look around and say to ourselves--do I like my path, is this where I want to be?  And if not--what is one change I can make? What is one little step I can take that will pull me off the path for a little while?  Do I want to take a class, get a massage, go dancing with my friends, take a trip, write a book, paint a picture? The possibilities are endless.

By the time Mohini made it to the larger more expansive habitat he was already beaten down enough to not even bother to look up and see the possibilities.  In order to prevent that in our own lives--we have to pay attention to our daily lives, and see where we might want to add some spice or make some changes.  We have to continually check our limiting beliefs, negative self talk and see if it is keeping us in a self imposed cage.  Living Happier is about exploring both our internal and external worlds to make sure we are living our lives to the fullest and not just stuck in a cage of our own making.

It's a big, vast, wonderful world. Go Exploring and Live Happier.

Live Happier Tip: My Dogs Turn

Last week I did the Ode to my Cat Pooh--so this week in keeping with the theme I thought I would share some Live Happier Tips I have learned from my dog, Mocha. First off I have to say Mocha is a new wondeful addition to my life.  I have always been a cat person--for years (13 actually) it was just me and my cat (minus the brief 10 day stint with a dog that didn't work out--VERY long story).  Then this past April, I decided to do scope out the dog shelters 'mix and mingle' event.  Even though I swore I was just looking, the friend that went with me knew I would be walking home with a dog that day. Fortunately I did, I came home with the perfect dog for me.  She is super chill and gentle and makes me laugh on a daily basis.  I have learned a lot about living happier from my dog and today I share her tips.

Take time to Watch the World.  Mocha LOVES to be outside.  She sits on the back porch for hours watching the squirrels and taking in 'her domain'. Sometimes I just love watching her looking so happy and content. She reminds me that joy comes in the little things and I just need to take the time to sit and watch the world.

Curiosity.  Mocha and I take at least one sometimes two walks a day.  I love walking with her because she greets our neighborhood with such curiosity.  Every time she walks out of the house she acts as if it was the first time.  She runs down the walk with great amazement and wonder.  As I walk with her I am reminded to look around, to have some curiosity about both my external and my internal world.

Greet Everyone with Enthusiasm.  One of my favorite parts of coming home is the Mocha greeting.  Whether I am gone for 5 minutes or 5 hours the greeting is always enthusiastic.  It makes me feel loved and appreciated.  After a long day it is fabulous to walk out of the garage and receive a gigantic 'welcome home--where have you been?" smile.  Her enthusiasm reminds me that I need to give the people in my life that kind of warm greeting.  I need to be showing those I love how much they mean to me on daily basis.

Play with Abandonment.  Every day I find myself in my back yard talking in a silly voice running around like a crazy woman and playing with Mocha. She has taught me the joy in playing.  For those 5-10 minutes it is just fun to be running around watching her play with such joy.  She reminds me that life maybe hard and challenging but the joy comes in the play.  Looking and sounding like a fool is worth it when you are also laughing so hard your belly hurts.

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Just a reminder that tonight from 6-7:30pm (Wednesday) is the Strong Woman Strong Relationship Seminar at Easton Lifetime Fitness--hope to see you there!!

Strong Woman Strong Relationships

This morning I did one of my favorite things--I went out to breakfast with a friend of mine.  Always a bonus to start the day with pancakes and bacon and even more so to have a great conversation while doing so.  One of our many subjects was my upcoming seminar (it is tomorrow, Wednesday,for all of you that live in the Columbus Ohio area) entitled Strong Woman, Strong Relationships.  

We spent much of our breakfast time discussing the meaning of the words Strong Woman Strong Relationship.  It was a spirited fun discussion so I thought I would continue it here.  

As women we receive so many conflicting messages about a. what it means to be strong and b. what it means to be in a relationship.  The challenge is that both are very individual decisions. My definition of a strong relationship may not be your definition of a strong relationship.  However, the key is getting clear on what both terms mean. What does being a Strong Woman mean to you?  How would you know if your relationships was strong?

For me being a strong woman means having a clear sense of what makes me tick, knowing myself, knowing what I value, what I believe and am passionate about.  A strong woman can be CEO of a fortune 500 company who is responsible for 1000 employees or mother of 3 who works from home and spends her days caring for her husband and children.  The point is it isn't what you do that makes your strong it is how you do it.  A strong woman knows her needs and expresses them, she doesn't alway act out of a place of 'should' but rather  she knows what she wants and she goes after that.  The world needs more strong women, women who are comfortable in their own skin--know who they are and the type of relationships they want and they go after it!  

Similarly women need to take a look at our definition of relationship--what does a strong relationship mean to us?  Does it mean: we spend all our time together?  my partner buys me gifts or takes me on trips?  my partner is supportive of my drive and ambition?   my partner holds me when I cry and understands my vulnerabilities?  There is no set rule on what a strong relationship looks like.  I believe a strong relationship is one where both partners 'show up' and co-create a loving, supportive, team. That may mean they spend every waking moment together, or they see each other only on the weekends, or that one partner stays home and the other partner earns the money etc.   A strong relationship can look like 1000 different things  the key is that we as woman need to start figuring out what a strong relationship looks like to us and then start creating that!!

In my experience working with many female clients-somewhere along the way we lost this definition of strength. We have bought into a lot of 'shoulds' and we started thinking the answer was 'out there'.  We forgot about the power of looking within to find the answer, to find our strength. 

So today ask yourself:  What does it mean to be a strong woman?  What does a strong relationship look like to me? 

Then tomorrow night have a Strong Woman Strong Relationship discussion. If you live near Columbus  grab your girlfriends, come to Easton, get some dinner and join me at Lifetime Fitness at Easton for the seminar.  If you don't live near Columbus-then grab your girlfriends and start the conversation-get curious and support your friends in getting clear on what makes them Strong!   For more information check out my website.  Looking forward to seeing you!