When Empathy Becomes Responsibility

Empathy is a wonderful, amazing strength.

Empathy as defined by Merriam Webster is:

The action of being sensitive to and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts and experience of another.      

The ability to be empathetic is a gift.  It allows you to understand where someone is coming from and offer support, and encouragement.

For those of us with a strong empathetic trait we can usually

• sense what someone needs before they can say it, 
• see the other side of the story,
• we find it easy to step in and help 

We make great friends and partners because we tend to know when to step in and we are really, really helpful.

Where highly empathetic people run into trouble is when they turn empathy into responsibility.


Responsibility as defined by Merriam Webster is:

 having the duty to take care of something for someone. 

When 3 of the primary empathetic traits all work together they combine to make the Responsibility Trifecta:

These traits are:

1. Empathetic with the other person therefore a strong desire to be helpful.
2. Justify any behavior (even bad behaviors)
3. Putting put your priorities last.

When these 3 traits combine empathetic folk move from being understanding and sensitive to ditching their own priorities and needs in order to take accountability and responsibility for someone else.

Recently a friend of mine shared her own struggle with this idea.  She work as a full time teacher and has 3 kids under 8.  At her school their tend to be two groups of teachers those that are young having babies and those that are nearing retirement. Recently, a lot of the other younger teachers have started having babies and one of the traditions is to prepare them meals.  My friend loves this idea, she remembers how much it meant to her to get these meals when she had her kids and she really empathizes with new mothers.    Those nearing retirement are willing to participate in the meal program but only half-heartedly and the new mom's although they appreciated it when they got meals are just too overwhelmed to participate.

So Susan has become the primary champion of the meal program--she has found her self running the whole program and cooking 2-3 meals a week for the new moms to pick up the slack for the teachers.  She said to me, "I barely have enough energy to cook for my own family now and that is where I really want to be spending my energy".  When I asked her why she just didn't just stop she said, "Those first couple of weeks are so hard and having meals is so helpful". To which I asked, "Why do you have to be the one to do it all?" " I am sure these woman have other friends and family who can make meals.  It sounds like this tradition has run it's course at your school and it is time for one of the new mom's to pick up the slack or for it to die. "

Susan had completed the Responsibility Trifecta:

1. She really wanted to help these new moms; she remembered what it felt like to be a new mom.
2. She could justify why it was ok that every other teacher didn't help out.  She could explain away their behaviors.
3. Her own family's meals were pushed to the very last. 

Susan had found herself responsible for the entire program.

Last week, Susan informed me that towards the end of the school year she announced to the teachers that she was stepping down from being in charge of meals and that next school year someone else could pick it up or they could let it die down until someone had more time.  Susan got a little flack and a bit of pushback but she held her ground.  And kept repeating to herself "I am not responsible for these new mothers" "they have other resources" "I can be empathetic AND have keep my own priorities".  Susan was excited to have her evenings back and be able to cook for her family again.

Empathy is awesome!!  But when empathy becomes responsibility it leaves us drained and exhausted.

I would love to hear from you:  Can you relate to this post?  When have you confused empathy for responsibility?

My life looks great on the outside. Why does it feel so crappy?

About ten years ago, I was sitting on the porch of my brand new house with my now husband (then really close friend) having one of our late night chats. I remember crying uncontrollably and saying, "I look like I have it all, why do I feel so crappy?"  At the time I was working a great job making decent money. I had just bought a house in a nice neighborhood, had recently bought a new car, and had even lost those pesky 30lbs that tend to haunt me.   I was doing 'good' from the outside, anyway.  But inside I was exhausted and anxious all the time.  Always looking for the 'next thing'. Always thinking if I went to the 'cool' event, hung out with the 'fun' people had the 'right' job then I would be happy.  I was basically running from event to event and I just felt crappy.  I may have looked like a 30 year old who had her '&*%' together but in reality I was a mess. I was a chameleon trying to fit in with everyone else and be what I thought they wanted me to be.

 I felt like I had video cameras in my house and that some day I would be found out that I wasn't a hip, popular extrovert who had everything together.  In reality, I was a quiet, introverted, who was filled with anxiety and wasn't doing anything 'right'.  I had  bought the idea that if I do what everyone tells me to do and check off all the 'right' tasks THEN I would be happy.

Eventually after a couple of panic attacks and a few too many crying jags I decided to seek help. Fortunately, I found an amazing therapist who helped me figure out what I wanted for my life and how to stop living for everyone else.  I realized that no matter how many items I checked off the list I would always be searching for the next item. I needed to stop running and start looking at my face in the mirror.  My lovely, anxiety ridden face and learn how to love and appreciate it.  I learned to implement daily practices to diminish my anxiety and get off the 'to do' list train.

We are told from a young age to check off the boxes:

• Go to College
• Get a Job
• Move up in said job and make good money
• Get Married
• Buy a nice house
• Buy a snazzy car
• Have a child
• Be a good parent
• Have another child
• Buy a bigger house
• Have lots of friends

No one tells us:

• The check marks never end--we can be checking things off the 'should' list for the rest of our lives
• That all those check marks while great, meaningful and worthwhile aren't always enough.

Here's the truth:
It is ok that you have checked everything off the list and that you still feel crappy.  It is ok that you are tired of living by the list.  Because once you admit that you feel crappy, change can occur.  Once you admit that 'wait a minute I did everything 'they' told me to do and I am still searching'. You can start searching internally.  You can take all that great stuff you have accomplished and add to it.  You don't have to live your life as a chameleon.  You can stop the feeling of being 'found out' and start embracing who you really are.

Life does not have to feel crappy. Anxiety does not have to rule your life.   Life can look beautiful inside and out.

I would love to hear from you:  How have you struggled with being a chameleon in your life?  What boxes were you told to check?

How We Ignore Our Voice--3 Mistakes We all Make.

Yesterday I got a haircut--a cute short, sassy, blonde do.   I have not had hair short in years so this is quite the change for me.  Before I left for the salon my husband said, "Are you sure?" and I said, "Yep, I am ready I am excited I am ready for a new do".  And I was, I felt it in my bones, I was SURE.  After all was said and done and my hair stylist said "ta da" I thought yep, I LOVE it-just like I knew I would.

You know those decisions you make that are just gut decisions? When the answer is a complete YES? Those are the decisions you know will work out.  You know they will be ok--no matter how dramatic no matter how much change they involve when you are ready you are ready.  And then there are those decisions that we make that we say YES but there is a small voice inside that is saying no, not now, not this one, there is another reason you are doing this.  The key to living happier is listening to that little voice.  The times in my life when I haven't have been trouble.  

I remember shopping for my wedding dress.  I did not have magical, fairy tale ideas about wedding dress shopping.  In fact, I was not looking forward to it at all. My nearest and dearest and I got married at my parent's back yard.  It was a low key, beautiful, casual celebration--so the traditional gown was not going to work--but I didn't really have a vision for what I wanted (Mistake #1).  But a friend convinced me to go to one of those large wedding gown shops where you get a consultant, you try on 50 dresses and they oh and ah over each one you try on.  The only goal I had for that day was that we were going to walk out of that shop with a dress--I was NOT going through this shopping event again.  And we did, after the 6th or 7th dress I found one I liked.  Liked not loved. It was a traditional, satiny, beaded, non-descript wedding dress.  But as I stood there in all my glory and all the ladies were "oohing and aahing" I said yes  (Mistake #2).  Even though I had heard 'oh you just KNOW when it is the one' I convinced myself that that was just urban legend and that I just wasn't a wedding dress girl.  So I didn't listen to the little voice saying "nope, this isn't it" because I told myself that it just wouldn't happen for me and I need to suck it up (Mistake #3) and I put down a deposit. 

Not 3 hours later, as I sat on my couch thinking "Maybe, that wasn't the dress" I started searching on-line and I found the perfect dress. A beautiful lace, fitted dress for less than 1/2 of the price of the other one. I ordered it telling myself that if I didn't like it I could ship it back. Weeks later I received it in the mail and I tried on the dress and it was PERFECT--every part of me screamed YES.  I showed it to my friend and she too screamed YES!  Even though, she told me later she wanted to hate it because she liked the other one so much but it was so perfect she had to say yes. To this day I look at that dress and smile.  

So Let's Review the Common 'Ignoring Our Internal Voice' Mistakes.

Mistake #1 No Vision: You have to have a vision:  you have to know what you want, know what you stand for, know what is important to you.  Even if it has gotten buried there after years of neglect and maybe out right ignoring it, you have to know your vision.  Which is why I got my haircut.  My vision was to feel better good about myself, to do something radical, shift things up and give myself a good kick in the pants. So I researched haircuts, factored in my hair type and what had and hadn't worked in the past and made a plan.

Mistake #2 Listening to others. It is so easy to get sucked in to the opinions of others.  When everyone was telling me how great I looked in my dress it was easy to ignore the voice in my head saying "but you didn't want a traditional dress"; "I thought you wanted lace"; "is this really going to send the vibe of a casual wedding?" Taking in too much external feedback always drowns out our inner voice. Before I got my haircut I only told my nearest and dearest I didn't want to hear any voices swaying me.

Mistake #3 Assuming you are wrong:  So often we shut out our voice immediately because we just assume we are wrong. We assume we don't know, can't have it or are just plain ignorant. Our inner voice is a place of wisdom.  The wisdom it shares might not happen on our time line. (No matter how much I wanted to, I wasn't going to find my dress in that shop, that day.)  We have to trust it.  We have to trust ourselves. 

I would love to hear from you--I know we have all been there.  What mistakes have you made to keep you from hearing your inner voice?  When is a time when you didn't listen to your inner voice and later regretted it?

Why Your Needs Aren't a Priority to Your Friends and Family.

Harsh?  Yes.  

True?  Unfortunately Yes.

Truth #1: Your needs DO matter.  In fact, in my opinion your needs are one of the most important things in your life. When you know what you value and know what you need you can richly, engage in your life.  You no longer become chained to your to-do list or stuck in worry or doubt.  Because you KNOW what is most important to you.  Quick aside:  If you want to learn more about naming your values and living from them check out the Live Happier 101 Mini Course.

Truth #2: Basic human nature, is to only think about ourselves.  So other people, in general, are too busy thinking about their needs to worry about yours.   In other words, if you aren't looking out for your needs, probably no one else is. 

Truth #3:  When you swallow, ignore, belittle, your needs it makes it even harder for people to remember, think about or acknowledge them. 

Truth #4:  Women in general, tend to be so good at looking out for other people's needs that we forget our  own.  

Truth #5:  The ONLY way your needs will be heard/met/satisfied if:

A. You know what they are 

B. You speak them clearly.  

Clearly being the key term there.  Here are some tips for Clearly speaking your needs:

YOUR NEED:  You want your husband to help with the kids in the morning.

Timing:  Right in the middle of morning rush with the kids is not the time to mention the need.  Basically, you are already stressed and your husband will feel it came out of left field. (Remember he most likely hasn't been thinking about your needs.)  Rather, pick a time when you are both calm and relaxed to share that need.  

Specifics:  Ask yourself what do I REALLY REALLY NEED? Get as specific as possible.  What do I want my husband to do? Make Breakfast?  Pack Lunches?  Get the kids dressed?  The more specific you can get on what you need the better you will feel and the more direction he will have to 'hit' the need. Check out this post for more tips on getting specific.

Tone:  Speaking a need isn't a demand. It is a desire, a request a potential negotiation.  So be aware of how you are sharing the need.  Just because you NEED it doesn't mean it will happen.  But the more you can share what you need, the closer you will get to achieving it.  Pay attention to how you ask and how open you are to negotiating the need. 

Patience:  Remember you husband see's the world completely differently than you.  He has his own perceptions, needs, ideas, thoughts.  So your need may be hitting him out of left field no matter how specific you are.  Respect those differences and remember they are ok.  Also, if you haven't expressed a need in a while you having a spoken need may be a totally new concept for him, so be patient and keep trying!!

These tips work with co-workers, friends, not just your intimate relationships.  We all need to get better about paying attention to our own AND other people's needs. 

Is Resentment Hiding Under Your Acceptance? 6 Warning Signs.

Here's a scenario.  

You are dropping the kids off at school and one of the other mom's runs up to ask you if you would be able to pick her kids up and watch them later that day.  "My babysitter canceled last minute, can you help?" 

Immediately, you think. "No, I have errands to run and work to catch up on and this is the 3rd time this month you have asked for this same favor."  

But then suddenly as if possessed by something you hear yourself saying:  "No Problem" "I can handle it" 'I would be happy to help" "I got it, don't worry about it"

How often do these phrases come out of your mouth?  How often are they followed with the thought of "ugh, here we go again" "Why does it always fall on me?"or "REALLY? You couldn't handle it"

We all want to be agreeable, helpful and nice.  But too often our Acceptance builds into Resentment and we end up paying the price in anxiety, anger and exhaustion. 

Here are 6 Danger Signs that Resentment is hiding under your Acceptance.

Inner Dialogue War:  You walk away from the situation with an inner war going on.  Half of you is bitter and angry that you didn't step up and say no. Half of you is berating yourself for being so selfish and not wanting to be there for another mother.  These 2 halves spend much of the day warring without any real conclusion.  

Short Tempered:  As you get back in the car, your husband calls and you pick a fight about whose job it is to make dinner. Because your plans just got destroyed you immediately take it out on him that he is not helpful enough.  

Gossip/Passive Aggressive:  While you agree to watch her kids you find yourself talking about her to the other mother's at school. Or making digs at her to your husband. Or even maybe even taking it out on her kids.  Again, when we aren't saying what we really mean it oozes out in other places. 

Increased Anxiety:  When we aren't listening to ourselves and speaking up our anxiety can go through the roof.  On one hand you already had your day planned--now you have to reschedule your life, rearranging priorities and needs.  Secondly, when you aren't speaking up for yourself resentment increases which causes our anxiety to sky rocket.   

Exhausted:  You find yourself exhausted by the end of the day.  Yes, you are busy and over-worked.  However, when we aren't living congruently meaning we are saying Yes when we want to say No it is draining.  This in congruency takes it's toll leaving us tired, defeated and disengaged.  Not to mention the toll of putting other's needs first ahead of our own priorities and errands--therefore leaving us having to scramble last minute.  

Confusion-why don't they get it?  This is the number one sign of resentment--utter confusion of why don't they get it?  Sometimes we think we are sending signals that we don't want to do something while the words "yes" are coming out of our mouths.  But usually those signals are so small and minute that they are barely noticeable.  They don't get it because you aren't SAYING it.  Bottom line if you aren't looking out for your needs and priorities no one else is going to.  

 Recognizing that resentment is showing up in your life is the first step.  Building awareness around WHEN and WITH WHOM you tend to say yes when you mean no is the next.  And slowly learning how to speak your needs, stand up for yourself and say NO consistently is the next.   Check out this helpful Live Happier QA for a great tip.  

Are you suffering from any of these symptoms?  Has Resentment snuck up on your Acceptance tendencies?   Do you have other symptoms you would share?

Ditching the Superwoman Cape

I am excited to be back.  For those of you who don't know I had surgery a month ago today and have been at home recovering. It has been a challenging road but I am feeling much better and almost back to myself.

To be quite honest, now that I am on the other side of it the break was quite nice.  Prior to having surgery I was in superwoman mode.  Meaning I was running from thing to thing, checking things off my to-do list and measuring my days by how much I got done.  So fast forward to me being trapped on the couch, unable to do much of anything without help from my nearest and dearest.  I was 100% dependent and for someone who loves to do for herself that is quite challenging.

I confess I spent the first week beating myself up for being so weak and dependent.   It was humbling to realize that even though I have come a LONG way in admitting my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, the need to be superwoman can still trigger me.  It was a reminder to myself that we always are spiraling up and re-learning the same lessons just at different places.

Bottom line control is an illusion.  Running from thing to thing, checking items off our to-do list doesn't give us more control, doesn't make us more engaged, doesn't make us 'better' people.  Yes, we get things done and yes, we are responsible high functioning people.  But when the running overtakes the being, it is time to slow down.  Superwoman mode keeps us from experiencing our lives.  It keeps us from connecting with our families, our spouses and our kids.  Superwoman mode is an illusion.

You know what I realized by taking a few weeks off to recover? The world kept going.  I know you are thinking 'duh?' 'of course it did'.  But when I am at my worst and truly stuck in superwoman mode I almost feel like the world will collapse if I don't get everything done.  (Can you relate?) As if the whole world depends on me getting the laundry done or finishing up the dishes.   I owe this lesson to my nearest and dearest who doesn't quite have the same eye for detail that I do.  And when I would walk through the kitchen and see the dirty dishes piling up I realized no one would die from dirty dishes, the world keeps rotating regardless.

What a freeing thought?!?  The world keeps rotating.  It has become my mantra these past few weeks.  If you too suffer from superwoman syndrome--I highly recommend a little dose of reality that no matter how much you do or don't check off the list--the world will keep rotating.  Maybe not as smoothly, maybe not as timely, but stuff will get done.

Are you just plain tired of living the superwoman illusion?  Take off your cape and sign up for a free 20 minutes session together we can let it go of the illusion and start embracing your life.

Blast from the Past: Live Happier QA: How do I find more balance?

This week, I am continuing the retro-post theme.   I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives. In honor of QA Thursday I thought I would post one of my most popular Live Happier QA from October 2012.   Live Happier QA will be back in the upcoming weeks.


Today's Live Happier QA question is from Claire and she asks:  I have 2 kids, a husband and a job I enjoy. Where can I find time to engage in activities I enjoy?

 Wow!  For so many of us our plates are FULL, if not over flowing.

Check out my answer below.  Have any thoughts? Anything you would add? Feel free to leave add a comment below!!

 Watch this episode below or click HERE to watch, if you are reading this via email.

 For previous episodes simply go to the Live Happier QA page.



Do you have a question about Living Happier?  Living Happier in relationships, in career or in life in general!

Have a question you are curious about?

 Please fill out the form below, drop me an e-mail or write a comment below!!

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Blast from the Past; Walking Zombies

This week I am continuing the retro-post theme. I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives.  This was originally posted in April 2012.

Yesterday, I was working at a local coffee shop. When I looked up from my computer I was watching the people walking by. Have you ever stopped and looked at people as they go about their day to day activity? I was amazed that 75% looked totally unengaged with life, whether they be hurrying to the next event, ambling along, talking on their cell phone or even walking next to someone...they appeared disengaged and uninterested in life. They looked, in fact, like zombies. Walking zombies. Now the other 25% were laughing, smiling, looking intently or listening with vigor. They seemed engaged in whatever was going on around them even if it was just walking down the street. It got me thinking about how often we check out of our lives, our work, and our relationships. How often are we nothing more than zombies going through our life?

Maybe that is why there is such an influx of zombie shows these days because on some small level we can relate, or we want to relate. Perhaps we are all so tired of being pulled in a thousand directions. Overwhelmed from engaging in activities we don't really want to be a part of. Just down right unhappy. So it becomes easier to walk through life like a zombie. Or maybe we have stopped questing for more. Perhaps a part of us has given up, we have gotten the excitement and passion beaten out of us and so being a zombie has just become our default mode. We become stuck in old patterns, home, work, lunch, work, dinner, TV, bed, home, work, lunch, work, dinner, TV, bed and over and over and over we repeat the cycle. Only to be shifted up with the occasional Saturday of laundry, chores and errands.

It's time to re-engage!! It's time to ask yourself what do I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want out of my life! What little or even big changes can I make in my life that will give me the energy to be more engaged? What do I need to snap out of it and join the walking (even dancing a little) living and not be one more walking dead?  Even if life has beaten you down, even if you are exhausted, tired and depleted, just ask yourself what would make me feel good today, what would add to my life right now? What can I do in this moment that will bring me connection with myself or others--make a phone call to a friend, write an email to a loved one, ditch the to-do list, order takeout from your favorite restaurant, schedule a date night, look up grad schools, research a new job!! The first step is to recognize the danger (and comfort) of joining the ranks of the zombies. It might appear easier, it might appear joyfully mindless, but over here on the other side in the 25% of the world that is laughing, crying, joyful and enraged--life is bright and vibrant. Life is engaging and exciting. Life is full of unexpected joys and challenges--here life is anything but monotonous.

So I am curious--are you feeling like a zombie? Are you tired of walking through life controlled by your to do list and/or other people's expectations?

Thanks to Scott McLeod for the photo!

Blast from the Past: Why Positive Thinking Can Get in the Way of Living Happier

This week we are continuing the retro-post theme. I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives.  This was originally posted in August 2011.

You have heard me say it before, but lately it has been creeping back into my world, creeping back into my client's thoughts and words, creeping back into my friends' wisdom.  The idea that we just need to think positive and all will be better.  Ugh! This thought drives me crazy.  Sometimes I feel like it is one of my life's missions to rid the world of the notion that if you just put on a smile, and think positive life will be just peachy.  Yes there are times when we are just crabby for no reason; just 'off' and for those times putting on a smile can be helpful.  But I am talking about those times when we are hurting when we have pain, grief, sadness when we are going through a break-up, a death, a sense of confusion or a major life transition!  All of these are HARD they require struggle, tears, pain and grief.  These aren't 'buck up', put on a smile times, these are "yep I know it sucks and it might feel like you are going to die but I promise you will get through this time"

We have all seen the people, people who we ask, "how is everything going?" (and legitimately care) and the immediate response is "fine, fine, everything is fine!" with a big fake smile on their face Clearly we know everything isn't fine, but most likely they have heard somewhere to be positive and everything will be ok.

I am all about joy and laughter and smiling, hell my tag line is work happier live happier--so clearly I am all about being happ-ier.  But when we think that these 'happy' emotions are the ONLY emotions and that we are weak, pathetic and/or negative because we don't feel happy all the time we get into trouble.  As a mentor of mine use to say, life is about experiencing a wide range of emotions fully.  So experiencing joy AND sadness. Laughter AND tears.  When we are trapped in 'living positively' to the detriment of experiencing any anger, sadness or struggle we aren't living happier, we are slowly surely becoming a ticking time bomb of resentment and pain.

As with everything life is a balance--it is a mixture of joy and pain; when we experience too much of one type of emotion we are definitely not living happier.  Any transition in life will require some sadness, relief, laughter, anxiety, fear and joy.  Whenever we are making changes there will be struggle but that is truly living and experiencing life which to me IS living happier!!

Blast from the Past; My first VLOG: a Few Thoughts on Fear

This week, while I am still in recovery mode I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives. This is my first video blog originally posted in November, 2010. Live Happier QA will be back in the upcoming weeks.

 Today I am SO excited to present my first video blog.  I have been wanting to do this for MONTHS and have been too afraid to attempt it.  Therefore I decided to do a little sharing on fear.  Hope you enjoy!

Blast from the Past: Separating Our Self Esteem From Our To-Do List

This week, while I am still in recovery mode I thought I would share some oldies but goodies from the the archives. This was originally posted in May, 2010.

I admit I am a little unmotivated today. It is warm and sunny here and all I really want to do is hang out.  I have been running from thing to thing most of the day and if I am honest I really haven't accomplished anything on my to do list. I was just getting ready to grab my latest novel and sit out on the porch and then I heard my internal voice go off.  I told myself, "AT LEAST write in your blog, then you will feel like you accomplished something, then you will feel good about yourself" And then I caught myself, caught my internal messages.  REALLY?!?  I will feel good about myself when I accomplish something!  Will I? Or will I just add to the list of more things I need to do to feel good about myself?  It really does get annoying.  No matter how much I know and have internalized the message that I am lovable, worthy, valuable period. I still have the underlying current of you will be good enough when messages. So I decided to go back through my day and think about all the messages that just happened today.

I will feel good enough when:
the kitchen is cleaned,
I make a million dollars,
the house is free of dog hair (which is never going to happen even if I vacuumed every hour)
I have watched everything on my DVR
I have checked off everything on my work to-do list
I finish the book my mom lent me 2 weeks ago
I eat healthier and treat my body better.

And that, my friends is just my list from today.  Honestly, it is only what I can remember from today.  Who knows how many other messages I didn't really acknowledge. How many messages have YOU heard today?

For whatever reason these messages are prevalent.  We might feel like we are fighting an uphill battle trying to win out over our negative critic.  But the key, as I see it continues, to be awareness. Awareness that they are lurking there.  Those pesky little voices that tell me I will be enough only WHEN I accomplish something.  Truth is these voices can be motivating, they can inspire me to get up off the couch and write, vacuum or return a phone call.  But the damage comes when we get stuck in the belief I will be good enough when.  Bottom line I am good enough no matter what, even if I gave myself the rest of the day off to hang on the porch and read.  AND at the end of the day I will probably feel better if I accomplish a few things on my to do list.  However, neither option has nothing to do with my self worth.  They are just options, choices in how I spend my time.  Because the list will always be there. A free evening to hang with my dog reading a good book in the sun won't always--guess I made my choice.