So What Do You Do??

Photo Credit: mamakimberly

For as long as I have had my private practice, I have struggled with answering the 'what do you do?' question.  Last week I attended a training by Tara Gentile--in it she posed a different version of the question (that I liked better). It was:  how do you make your clients financially, emotionally, creatively, relationally or intellectually richer? Today's blog post is devoted to answering that question.

Bottom line:  It's not just about Career Change Counseling.  I believe I make people's lives richer by helping them notice what the energy drains are in their lives, build stronger more connected relationships and live a life that is intentional and grounded in values and beliefs. From this place they can find a career the love and more importantly a life they love.

• I help clients look at their lives as a whole and from that global perspective determine what they want to change, add or discard from their lives.  
• I help clients spend less time spinning their wheels and concentrating on things that 'don't matter to them'.  
• I help clients get clear on what does matter, how they want to spend their time and what they need to do differently in order to make their ideal life come true.  
• I help them remember what it felt like to believe in dreams and possibility and help them believe in themselves that dreams are possible (with a lot of hard work and intentionality)
• I help clients implement tools and tips for when they get stuck (because they inevitably will) I help them recognize that taking a step back isn't the end of the earth but part of the process. And the trick is basically catching yourself when you do go backwards or sideways or basically veer off the path.  
• I help figure out how to achieve their dreams within the confines of their financial situation, and/or lifestyle. 
• I help clients notice, unhook and move beyond the fear monger.

Sound Appealing? Today is the LAST day to sign up for the Find the Work You Love Special--buy one session get a second one free.  To take advantage your free 20 minute session must be scheduled by the end of today February 29th, 2012.  Click here for more information and  to get your appointment scheduled!!

Sometime We Need to Just Be.

Photo Credit:  Lissui

We all get stuck.  We all wake up feeling crabby, tired, sad or angry for a variety of reasons some easily explainable some totally unexplainable.  For those of us who have spent a lot of item in the self help/personal growth world we can get stuck in labeling these feelings. Trying to analyze them, name them, figure out their roots and their whys.  The danger comes when we spend so much time analyzing and debating we rationalize the feelings away or worse when we can't rationalize them away we beat ourselves up for having feelings in the first place.  In an attempt to feel better and explain our mood we end up discounting the mood and ourselves and therefore causing us to spin out.

Days like this fortunately happen pretty rarely for me---but when they do they throw me for a MAJOR loop.  I have found bottom line that when I am in a rotten mood, I compound that mood by beating myself up for being in the mood. In my attempt to talk myself out of the mood I end up hammering myself even harder. So rather than just admitting, hey today is an off day--I am blessed and challenged and moving forward. I hammer myself with words and phrases such as "wow you are so ungrateful, you should be happier, you are just being a baby and much more harsh words.

I know I am not alone in this inner bashing--I hear it in my clients, I see it in my friends and family.  That inner voice can go full throttle and before we know it we are totally wasted.  This am after my shower, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I thought, 'give that girl some love" so I simply smiled back at myself in the mirror and the tears started flowing, the sadness engulfed me.  I stopped trying to label, stopped trying to analyze, stopped trying to be grateful and just let the tears flow.  Did I immediately feel better?  No.  But I did feel relieved. Relieved, that I could stop running, I could stop trying to figure it out.  I could just BE.  Be in the mood, be sad, be tired, be whatever I felt.  I could be the feeling and keep going.   And I did.

Bottom line we are all human, we all struggle, we all have unexplainable, irrational, uncomfortable, inconvenient emotions.  There is a fine line between running, embracing and ignoring.  I have found the best way is to BE.  I know from first hand experience, it is when I try to explain, rationalize, discount or run I tend to get into more trouble.  Sometimes we just need to be.

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Tomorrow is the last day! Take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

A Week of No Comparison--Update

Photo Credit: Sean MacEntee

A few weeks ago I wrote about my Comparison Free Week.  In an effort to increase my productivity and decrease my negative self talk I decided I would attempt to stop spending so much time on the Interwebs comparing myself.  I'll be honest, I have been putting off writing this update to that post.

I WANT to be able to say

• It was a rousing success, 
• I didn't compare myself to anyone for at least a week.
• It went so well that here I am weeks later still successfully none comparing.  
• My comparison behavior has been changed down right eliminated.
• My productivity has sky rocketed.
• I am healed from comparison syndrome.  

Like I said, I WANT to be able to write that and because I can't I just have chosen not to post about this topic.

So what is the truth?

Well in reality, I started strong.  I was able to limit my comparing for the first week, and then slowly it creeped back in.  And before I knew it I was back to some of my old patterns of spending WAY too much time on the internet and using it as a way to feel bad about myself.  So as a person who is suppose to be teaching about change and positive changes, I felt a bit like a fraud to say that I have not succeeded.  But then last night as I lay in bed unable to sleep, I thought to myself I have changed.

No, I haven't completely changed, I haven't totally eliminated the behavior.

I have:

• Made myself more aware of it.
• Noticed when I start heading down the slippery road to comparison hell (sometimes I am able to stop it sometimes I don't notice until I am too far down the path). 
• Paid attention to what triggers the behavior, how it feels when I am doing it and have implemented some small ways to change it when I notice it. 

That right there is change for me---admitting that while yes I haven't succeeded in eliminating the behavior--I have succeeded.  Because after all, all change is incremental.

Too often we set our goals too high and make them almost out of reach.  Basically we set ourselves up for failure.

Honestly, was I going to be able to go cold turkey from comparing myself to others?--no.  Is it a behavior I would like to change?--yes.  Is it something that is going to take time?--absolutely.

As I say to my clients, the way to make real change is awareness.  We need to notice the behavior, what triggers it, what the feelings are around it.  Sometimes we notice the behavior while we are doing it, sometimes within 5 minutes, sometimes within 30, sometimes it is days later we look back and say--wow I totally did {fill-in the blank} on Monday and I wish I hadn't.  Gradually as we start bringing awareness, and through being intentional change occurs.  That is what is happening with my comparison free time.  It may not be all day every day but for larger chunks of the day I am comparison free which in itself is a victory!!
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It ends next Wednesday!! Take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda, Will Kill Ya!!

Photo Credit: Calmenda

Regardless of who we are or how old we we are we have things we wish we would shave done differently, some of us call those regrets, some of us calling those learning experiences.  Frequently clients come into me office lamenting that they should have finished their degree or they could have majored in something different or if they would have taken a different job they would be better off.  This coulda, shoulda, woulda thinking is dangerous and debilitating.  It can hinder our journey, keep us stuck and overall prevent us from being happier.

I am a firm believer that we make decisions at the time with the information and resources we have at the time.  But there are people some of them my clients who if they could would go back and change their minds, make new decisions, take new paths.  They have REAL regret about their past choices and direction. I have found 2 predominant ways of dealing with this regret:

One it becomes paralyzing, they become so focused on the bad choice and regretting it they are unable to move forward for fear of making another bad choice.  They become stuck in 'what if it happens again' mode.  So rather than taking a risk they do nothing.

Two individuals plow ahead and try to make it better.  The opposite of getting stuck, this group moves forward at break neck speed trying to make up for their past mistakes and "get it right".  The issue becomes that they haven't really looked at the regret, they haven't learned anything from their past mistakes. Because they are so afraid of the regret they just keep running ahead to the next thing.  Eventually they look back at a string of mistakes because even though they were 'doing' a lot of things they didn't have a well thought out plan as to what they really wanted.

First step if you have regret and are suffering from coulda, woulda, shoulda syndrome, you need to face the regret.  Face what you wish you had done differently, face why you made the choices you did, and feel the sadness of it not turning out the way you wanted it to.  Sometimes bad stuff just happens.  Sometimes we have the best plan, we have made the best decisions, and we still lose our jobs or don't get into our dream school.  So acknowledge the pain, feel the frustration and sadness.  I am not saying wallow in the regret--but acknowledge that it is there.  As we talked about yesterday, feel the feelings and keep moving forward.

THEN make a new plan.  Start figuring out based on what you know now, what would you do differently, what do you want for your life now.  What old values or beliefs are holding you back.  Given your life style, your goals and who you are as a person (lovely flaws and all) what is you plan to move forward.  If you want to finish your degree and your full time job and 2 kids is holding you back figure out how to take 1-2 classes a quarter, or look on-line for programs, see if your employer will help out on cost. Figure out what you want to do, what is preventing you from doing it and how to work around it.  True, you might not finish your degree in 2 years but as they say 4 years will pass and you could shave a degree at the end or you could be sitting around saying coulda, woulda, shoulda.
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Don't forget to take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

Feel the Feelings and Keep Moving Forward

Last week, I stumbled upon this video. It was used in the context of Valentine's Day and romantic love, but I was listening to it in the slant of career or goals especially as it relates to anxiety and the fear monger.  I love the message of feel the feelings but keep moving forward.  (Honestly, I don't like the phrasing 'do the right thing' because of my own (and many of my clients) issues with always doing the RIGHT thing as if there is an external guide.)  So often we get stuck in one of the other, we get stuck in the feelings and don't/can't make any forward movement or we get so caught up in moving forward we become almost robot-like and lose all touch of our feelings. If we don't feel our feelings they don't go away, they just re-surface at a later day usually in an inappropriate way.

One of my favorite quotes: "Getting what you want can feel very uncomfortable" I see this all the time with myself and my clients.  Once they start getting closer to their goal the fear, and anxiety become much more real.  But when they keep returning to what they value, what they hold most sacred and close they can feel the feelings, and keep moving towards their end goals.  As Dr. Pat says, "A values driven approach to life trumps a feelings driven approach every time."

Enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments section below.




if reading this in email, click here to view

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Don't forget to take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

Always Keep Moving

At a presentation I did last week a woman shared that she had started a small cake business.  It started because she loved to bake cakes and had taken a few of her cakes into work.  Gradually (and as she said unexpectedly) people started ordering cakes.  She never dreamed of going into business as a baker--but now her she was, having a thriving side business and loving it.  So far she had received rave reviews of her cakes but with each new cake she was waiting for the bad review to come in.  Almost to the point of paralyzing her. As I said to her, I almost wish she could have a bad review just so she could face it and get over it, the anticipation of the bad review was almost worse than the actual bad review.

Because bottom line, someone somewhere was not going to like her cakes.  It might have absolutely nothing to do with the quality of her ingredients or her work, it is just a fact we all have different tastes.   She had decided to go back to pastry school to improve her technique--and we discussed that even the master chef's of the world have their cakes criticized--all the education and preparedness in the world won't stop the criticism from happening.  So while learning new techniques was helpful---learning them for the sake of stopping criticism--probably not going to happen.  It was the paralyzing nature of this fear that both struck me and that I understood.

I realized later she was  looking for the 'right answer'.  As long as she made the cake's 'right' every time she would avoid criticism.  This is a running joke in my house, my nearest and dearest is constantly giving me grief as I futilely look for the 'right' way to an event or if we ordered the 'right' food at a restaurant, if I said the 'right' thing at a party.  But in all honestly there is no right, mistakes happen, people criticize, we fail.  

Frequently when we are headed towards our goals, setbacks happen,  someone criticizes your creation, you don't get a job you interviewed for, you don't get your grad school application in on time,  you aren't adequately prepared for a presentation that might have lead to a promotion.  Do you just bag the rest of your career??  Do you just give up?  Bottom line in life, mistakes happen, we fail, we don't do it 'right'.  That is a given, a time honored truth: We are imperfect, flawed human beings.

Yesterday I talked about the concept of spinning our wheels.  Sometimes when we stop spinning our wheels and take that first step we hit a road block, we make a mistake, we get turned down.  It is in those times that we really need to have a little self compassion--pick ourselves up, dust ourselves up and keep our eyes on the big picture.  Maybe you didn't get into the grad school of your choice, but fortunately you applied to 4 other schools so you still have a chance.  Maybe you did mess up the presentation, and you learned how to do it better next time.  You learned you need some help with your presentation skills.  Maybe you didn't get the new job so you keep trying, keep applying, keep building your skills and strengthening your network. Maybe someone does criticize something you made, and you survive knowing you tried your best and created your best product.

It is when we stop that we get into trouble.  It is when we get comfortable in the wheel spinning, or the inertia of not making a move until we are 'right' that life goes from happier to painful.  It would be a shame if the Cake Lady stopped baking cakes simply to avoid criticism, because she was sharing her gift and she enjoyed doing it.  It is when we hit these snags, these roadblocks that we need to keep going.  Need to notice our fears, honor our mistakes, let go of our perfectionism and keep moving.

Always keep moving.

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Don't forget to take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

The Safety in Spinning.

One of the most common statements of my clients is that they feel like they are 'spinning their wheels'.  At the end of the day they are wondering where time went and what they really accomplished

The pattern goes like this:  new client comes into office, over a series of sessions client figures out what they want to be doing next, client and I lay forth a plan to accomplish what's next, client comes back a few weeks later making the above statement about spinning wheels, not accomplishing anything etc.

Usually at this point the client wants to start over again at the 'let's figure out what's next' step.  Which although tempting and definitely more fun and safe--in actuality the 'not doing anything to face the goal' is a good sign to me that we are on to something with this goal.  What this 'spinning of wheels' means is that we have rattled the fear monger.  We have shaken up the pattern, we have decided there is something new and exciting out there and the fear monger (who's job is to keep us safe and protected) is starting to rear it's head in protest.

Frequently the messages of the fear monger allow us to feel like we are spinning our wheels and getting no where.  This propaganda takes A LOT of time and energy to listen to, digest, fight, agree with, listen to, digest, fight, agree with over and over ad nauseum.  If we are spinning we FEEL like we are doing something but we aren't.  We might be 'researching on the web' when really we are comparing ourselves to to other people, thinking about our goal but not doing anything, or buying things we 'need' related to our goal. All the time we are engaged in this spinning: listen to, digest, fight, agree with, listen to, digest, fight, agree with.

Recently, I had a great example of how I broke this spinning the wheels pattern.  I love speaking, leading workshops, educating people on the process of living and working happier. One way to build the speaking part of my business is to have video clips of me presenting on my website.  I have been wanting to do this for months, no probably years.  Yep, since I first started in this business I have been saying to myself I want to put clips of my presentation.  Every time I presented I would come up with some excuse, or I would forget the camera or just plain refuse to record myself. I have purchased a camera, researched how to record and edit, done LOTS of thinking and scheming on this subject but hadn't actually recorded anything.

Finally, last week I decided I would record a presentation I was doing.  Once I made that decision the fear monger started in: "really are you going to want to see yourself present", "what if you aren't as good as you think you are" "once you see yourself you won't be able to go back it will be there in full color how bad you suck at speaking" and on and on and on.I acknowledge her and said quietly to myself it's time and I kept moving one step in front of the other. (believe it or not, my fear monger showed up at each and every one of these steps)

1. Went to Target to buy the tripod to hold my camera.
2. Tested the camera, changed batteries and packed it up for my presentation.
3. At the event, set up the camera, tested it and got it ready.
4. Turned on the camera at the presentation.
5. Downloaded the videos
6. Showed the videos to my husband (HUGE)
7. Edited the videos down to 4 snippets-
8. Posted the videos on my website---check them out here
9. Shared them with my list via my newsletter.

Like I said, I literally heard the fear monger, in every one of those steps. Today I sit here totally thrilled!  So excited to be sharing these videos with you, so excited to have accomplished something, so excited to just have faced the fear monger and moved forward.  Is the fear monger gone, hells to the no, she is still here...telling me that writing this is too personal, that I am oversharing etc.  And yet, I still write, regardless.

But if we don't take one step at at time, if we don't put one foot in front of the other,  acknowledge the monger AND keep moving we will continually spin our wheels.  Because even though spinning is annoying it is safe :)  So as I do with all my clients who are dealing with spinning wheels I am going to ask you to pick one thing, take one step, move in the direction of your goal, your 'what's next', acknowledge your fear and keep going.

Here are some examples of small steps:

• Research one idea
• Make one phone call
• Set up one meeting
• Tell one person
• Write an outline
• Write an email
• Make a timeline

Let me know how it goes!!

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Don't forget to take advantage of the Find the Work you Love Half Off Special--get 2 sessions for the price of one! Click here for more information. Ends February 29th, 2012

The Emotions of Valentines Day--and a SPECIAL OFFER

Happy Valentine's Day.  I don't think there is a holiday that has more emotions (and their for opinions) then this one.  Mention this holiday to any random person and you will immediately get their thoughts.  It seems that what people hate most about this holiday is that it someone high above is telling us how to feel.

Someone (ok, you can argue, Hallmark, Jared, 1-800 Flowers) is telling us to buy stuff for our loved ones or telling us we should feel crappy and sad if we don't have a special someone to buy stuff for.  Regardless, some say, the message is coming from outside of ourselves and then you hear whispers of commercialism and the MAN bringing us down.

However, as much as I agree that this holiday encourages commercialism and makes us believe love should be ideal and romantic.  As much as it begins with high expectations and ends with disappointment.  The spirit of the holiday is wonderfully amazing to celebrate Love.  To celebrate love in all its forms the love we have for a special someone and the love we have for our friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances.  The fact that love exists at all is a miracle.  And with the joy of love comes the pain, the bitterness the sadness of not having as much love as we might want in our lives.  With one unfortunately comes the other.  Maybe not in major swings but they both exist, when you love someone or something you also run the risk of losing it.  That is the beauty of this holiday...celebrating the vulnerability that is life.

But I am a career counselor, why am I going off about LOVE?  Because I think love is the crux of all we do.  When we have love in everything in our lives we are happier.  When we love our work, love our partners, love our activities we are happier, more joyful, more intentional, more inspired human beings.

SO... (drum roll please...)

in honor of this highly emotional, celebrating love holiday I am running a Find the Work You Love Valentine's Day Special. 


From now through February 29th, 2012  new clients can take advantage of the What Comes Next Package at half off.   So what would have cost you $250 for 2 sessions will now only be $125!!!

Check out my website for more information or just sign up here (click on the Find the work You love link)

Who are you NOT to Live Happier?

Thanks to StudioJru for the photo

The most common lament I hear in my office is Who am I to (fill in the blank)...Honestly client's rarely say those words but they are the overarching message of most of the doubts and insecurities that my clients share.  Who am I to be happy...to ask for more money...to go back to school...to do something I love?  The words they say are I can't go back to school because we don't have enough money, that would take too long or  I already have a degree and on and on and on.  But bottom line I believe the underlying theme is who am I to put my family out and ask to go back to school?  Who am I to get another degree I should have picked right the first time?  Who am I to ask for more money in this economy I am lucky to have a job?

So we continue to aim low, play small, stay in our box. Occasionally I think of this lament in my own world. As I blog, do presentations or write, I think who am I to say how to do this stuff?  Even though I have figured and implemented a lot of actions to make my life happier I still am human, still have things to learn.  So every now and then the question of Who Am I will enter my brain.

Recently when that thought pops into my head I have been asking myself Who am I NOT??  Who am I NOT to share what I have learned, what works for me?  I have started asking my clients that same question...who are you NOT to go back to school, to get paid what you are worth, to have a career you adore?  Who are you NOT to make sacrifices and work hard to show your children what living happier looks and feels like?  Who are you NOT to share what you have learned, spread your gifts and live a life that is authentic and therefore powerful??

Somewhere along the line we learned humble is best, play small, stay compliant and all will be well.  But today I am challenging you to first pay attention to how often your mongers have the theme of 'who am I....?' and then ask yourself 'who am I NOT....?'

Through Another's Eyes

The power of perspective is an amazing thing to me.  We are all walking around seeing the world through our own lenses. Those lenses contain past hurts, pain, celebrations, victories and losses.  The perspective we have is our own, influenced by all we have experienced in the past, stories we have heard from other people and any other genetic predispositions.  If no two people are alike than neither are no two stories.  Yet each day we go through life trying to convince others to see it our way, pretending the world is viewed through the same lens. Whether interacting with a co-worker, a spouse or a complete stranger it is vitally important that we remember we all have a different story.

I can remember years ago I was working as an office manager at a small real estate firm.  There were less than 5 people working there (all men) and I was responsible for running the office and being the right hand of the owner.  The office was a very close knit, we frequently ate lunches together, had lots of inside jokes and to be honest we were a tough group to join.  Not surprisingly, when we hired a new receptionist she had a tough time fitting in.  She was quiet and it seemed she was simply looking to do her job, and go home. She didn't want to interact and play our 'reindeer games'.  At least that was my perspective.  I assumed she was happy doing her job, eating her lunch by herself and leaving the gregarious frivolity to me and the other guys that worked there.

Later after she turned in her notice I learned that she did want more she just didn't know how to go interact and break through the barrier into our inner circle.  In her resignation letter she referred to me as the "Queen of the Office" and that she could never compete with me and my relationship with the guys.   I remember feeling shocked and disappointed that I had mis-read her so poorly.  She wasn't choosing to be anti-social she just didn't know any other way and we were a tough crowd. I spent many days feeling that I had let her down and not taken good care of her.

I learned a lot from that situation. You never know how someone is truly feeling or what they are thinking.  People see the world through their own lenses. Had I been more curious, more open to how she might have felt coming into a small close knit office community as a quiet introverted female, it might have gone differently.  On the other hand,  I learned I can't take care of everybody. I spent a lot of energy the weeks after she left feeling badly about how she left.  Yes, I should have tried to see the world through her lenses and not assumed so much about her behavior.  I could have done to help her feel in more included, I could have pushed harder and invited her more often. I wish I would have had more curiosity about where she was coming from and what her story was.   AND she was also responsible for her actions and feelings.  She was responsible for expressing her frustration and sharing her needs.

We all have a story a unique perspective that includes all of our wants and needs.  It is our own responsibility to share that story as needed, explain our perspective and 'play nice with others'.  It is also our responsibility to remember everyone has a unique view of the world and rather than try to change that world view---let's start having some curiosity about the stories.  If we would all pay attention to our stories and listen to others--I believe the world would be a better place.

Noticing the Voices

This weekend for a variety of reasons, my 'monger' came out to play.  Not necessarily with a message of fear just the generally negative voice that pops up every now and then and spreads messages of despair, fear and negativity.  That negative voice that comes out to play from time to time.  To be honest she hadn't payed me a visit in quite some time.  But she did hang out this weekend.

The concept that constantly amazes me about the mongers whether they be fear, doubt, insecurity or shame is how easily they can come in and take residency. I love the term monger because it so accurately describes these voices--someone who spreads negative propaganda to get you to go there way.  In reality that is what these voices are doing, feeding us negative propaganda to keep us safe, keep us contained and protect us from getting hurt.  But in their desire to keep us so protected they end up hurting us---like an overprotective parent who can love too much.

The most amazing part about the monger voices is how comfortable they feel how easily they go unnoticed.  It wasn't until almost 24 hours in to the visit that I really recognized she was there  She hid herself in birthday celebrations and other events.

So many books are written on facing your fears, and dealing with the gremlins of our lives. Awesome useful books.  But I would argue the first step is even RECOGNIZING you have a gremlin or a fear the that has taken up residence in your brain.

It sounds counter intuitive but in so many ways my monger is safe and comfortable. Like an old sweater that feels so soft but after you wear it you realize it is thin and baggy and has holes in it and it really isn't that warm.  So too are the mongers, they come in as our friends feeding us comfort and safety but in reality their job is to keep us stuck in our old patterns.  Feeling sorry for ourselves, holding old grudges,  reopening old wounds just so we can obsess about them all over again.

These tapes and voices are so familiar I hardly recognize them as mongers until well into my "monger pattern" which for me is to disengage (e.g.watch TV, play computer games and over eat.)  My monger disguised this laziness in "it's your birthday do whatever you want".  My mongers loves to convince me to just hang, be lazy, disconnect, shut down down tune out. And then she goes to town...wooing me with her words of negativity and insecurity.  Until 24 hours in I am done for--too sloth like to wage any type of battles.

But this weekend was different, this weekend I dealt with my monger in a new way.  Yes, it took me a while to recognize the old pattern (honestly over 24 hours) but when I did I had a little chat with my monger..telling her how it was going to be different.  The changes were incremental--but they were there.  I stopped obsessing over old wounds and beating myself up over situations long past.  I thanked my mongers for showing up, listened briefly to their message and then asked them to seek refuge elsewhere.  I then got up off the couch and re-engaged with life.

This weekend was a wonderful reminder to me of how left unchecked our mongers can woo us into submission.  They can keep us safe and accepting second best.  It is through this awareness of how often our mongers is taking up residency that true change can come.  So this week I challenge you to really stop and listen. Pay attention...how often does your monger speak to you..what is your 'monger pattern' (activities you engage in when the monger has won).  I am not saying LISTEN to the voices, necessarily, but merely noticing them and the patterns they cause. Knowing these signs and patterns is step one in making lasting change in decreasing the hold and power of the Monger.

Building a Life of Passion, Purpose, Love and Boundaries

Today I am cheating a little and reposting from an post in the archives.  I discovered recently that this post is my most popular (most searched) entry of my 300+ blog entries.

I wanted to repost it because the theme of unconditional love has been popping up a lot in my practice lately. Strange, you might say since I specialize in career counseling, but living one's dreams, finding a happier career will always and forever be linked with relationships.  If there is one thing I would love to spread to the world it is that the key to happier living is to look at our whole lives, our relationships, our work, our interests and build a LIFE that is happier.  We will not live a life of passion and purpose if we don't blend all of our 'worlds'.  We also will not live a life of passion and purpose if we don't have support of people who love and support us AND if we don't have strong healthy boundaries.  This post helps answer the age old question of how do I have both unconditional love for others and healthy boundaries?

So here is a post from February 2010.

Last week, I gave a talk to a local group on communication and conflict.  If you are a regular reader, you know one of my biggest beliefs is that what we all crave is a little validation and unconditional love.  Especially when we are dealing with conflict, we need to have the ability to hear people's stories and understand their perspective.

One of the women at the presentation came up to me afterwards.  She had the belief that if you unconditionally love someone they will take advantage of you or not perform their best.  She told me the story of her adult son who was struggling to get his life going and had made some bad decisions.  She felt one of the reasons he was struggling was because she had loved him too much. As we talked more, I began to realize there is a difference between unconditional love and love with no personal boundaries.  Unconditional love is the concept of I know you are doing the best you can with what you have, it is being present to someone in need and holding the space.  Love with no boundaries means I allow you to take advantage of me, to hurt me, to belittle me in the name of love.  In the brief conversation with this woman, it became clear that her son was taking advantage of her generosity and her kindness.  It also became clear that what she thought was unconditional love (financial support and helpful guidance) was laced with criticism and judgment.

It is my belief when we unconditionally love someone when we allow them to be all that they are failures and strengths, personality glitches and generosities, people soar to meet our expectations.  Unconditional love is such a rare and wonderful gift.  We all want to be loved just for being who we are.  When someone gives us that gift we want to strive to be the best person possible.  However, to unconditionally love someone doesn't mean I need to accept someone's rude behavior, or put up with someone's disrespect and lying.  I can unconditionally love someone and have strong boundaries that don't allow that behavior in my presence.

Unconditional love means I see in you all your wonderful gifts and strengths and I am going to continually point those out to you AND when you are struggling and making bad decisions I am still going to see all the wonderfulness that is you.  I am not going to judge you or criticize you AND I am going to have strong boundaries so you don't take advantage of me or hurt me because you are struggling.

As the woman walked away, she said she had never thought of love that way.  She said she realized that she was more angry at herself then her son because she didn't have good boundaries so she allowed him to take advantage.  Don't get me wrong, the son was clearly in the wrong for hurting his mother, however she also had some responsibility in allowing to happen repeatedly.

Unconditional love is not for the weak of heart. Unconditional love requires the strength to love them anyway.  It requires the strength to set personal boundaries so you can love from a distance if need be. It is not critical, belittling or manipulative it is open, full and accepting. Unconditional love allows us to see the best in other people and allows them to become their best.  Bottom line, unconditional love is a wonderful, challenging, difficult gift we can give to ourselves and those close to us.

What are your thoughts on unconditional love?  What do you struggle with around this concept?

All Change is Incremental

Lately I have been thinking a lot of about change.  The challenge of change, the consistency of change and the constant need for change.  I can still remember sitting in my Gestalt Training Program and having my very wise teacher saying in his loud booming scratchy voice:  "Remember People, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL"  He would always say it 3 times and would always say it in full volume.

I learned so much from that training but this tidbit was by far the most powerful.  It is common wisdom to hear "people don't change". In all honesty, people do change we all grow develop become older and more mature, whether we want to or not.  But really change is HARD.  For anyone who has tried to start an exercise program, quit smoking or even switch jobs you can testify to how hard it is to change.  First thing you have to WANT the change secondly you have to be diligent about the change, paying attention to triggers, noticing self talk, understanding motivations and thirdly you just have to do it, take the baby steps and implement the change.

So often I think we get discouraged because we forget ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL.  If you want to start an exercise program and you haven't worked out in years, maybe implementing a nightly walk is a great first step as opposed to committing to 1 hour at the gym 5 nights a week.  Committing to the nightly walk is a small incremental change, not a major lifestyle shift like going to the gym every night.

Similarly if you are looking to make a shift in your career.  It isn't necessary to go all in, quit your job, and figure out what's next in the span of a month.  Figuring out what comes next takes time. Knowing what you value,  what you want for your life and the next steps is a process. Once you know what you want to change your career to the incremental changes begin, facing fears, looking for openings and schools, networking and generally facing all the voices in your head.

Change is a part of life, even major life changes that occur (accidents, deaths, job loss) take time to adjust to, the action may be immediate but the ripples of the change take effect in incremental bites.

Real change takes time, step by step, one small bite at a time.

A Week of No Comparison

Photo credit: Bruce Turner

A few months ago I wrote a post on The Danger of Comparisons where I talk about how comparing ourselves to others can hurt us in trying to Live and Work Happier.

Since it is my year of honesty, I have to confess that even after writing this post, comparison is something I am still struggling with and engage in on a daily basis.  In short, I am a Comparison Addict.

In 2012, there are many things I want to accomplish, writing an e-book/course, recording more videos, writing more in general and reaching more and more clients.  I have found especially with my writing, I get paralyzed in comparing.  Meaning, I spend WAY too much time on-line, on blogs, on marketing sites figuring out HOW to do the activity vs just do it.  Then I end up:
a. not accomplishing anything b. feeling bad about myself because I didn't accomplish anything  c. Feeling bad that I failed against everyone I compared myself with. It is an endless loop or wasted energy.

Over the past few weeks I have been building awareness around this problem and realized it is a multi-layer problem:

1. I am just wasting time. 
2. I am not facing my fears or working through my anxiety 
3. At the end of the day I am not living the life I want to be living, I am settling for being paralyzed in the shadows of others.     

So I have declared this is my Week of No Comparison.  For one week, I am going to concentrate on the many goals I set for myself in 2012 and I am not going to waste time on the internet looking at how I SHOULD be doing it.

Here are the 'guidelines' I have set for myself:

1. I can check my daily blogs (I have 3-4 blogs I read every day as I drink my coffee) but I can't look at random blogs throughout the day.
2. I am allowed to post my blogs or other items on Facebook/Twitter but I can't randomly check either one throughout the day.
3. I am going to pay attention to when I REALLY WANT to check something on-line or even when I find myself mindlessly reading Twitter feeds.  I am going to build awareness around when I get stuck...is it when I have to be my most creative, face a fear, risk more or all of the above.
4. No email unless it is a designated time of the day.  Another thing I love to do between clients--check email.  I subscribe to a number of email newsletters so I can easily get lost in comparison world here as well.  I also set up a number of 'rules' no my email inbox that automatically sends these newsletters to a certain inbox so if I open my email box I am not inundated by newsletters but can choose to read them in my own time.
5. Ironically I received an invitation to Pinterest which has become a new obsession of many of those close to me first thing Monday morning--so in the spirit of my No Comparison week I am not going to open and enjoy that invitation until next week.
6. Finally I will have a lot of self compassion around this event.   I am fully aware I may not succeed at a comparison free week--the goal of this week is to ease up on the amount of time I spend in comparison mode AND pay attention to what is coming up for me in the process.  It is a week of  awareness, compassion and incremental change. 

I recognize comparison may not be an issue for you.  However, no matter what habit or pattern is getting in your way one of the keys to living happier is to bring awareness, build compassion and make small meaningful changes.  That is my goal for Comparison Free Week. To notice when I get snagged, build in some practices to help me through those times and have a lot of compassion for myself in the meantime. I can't wait to share my insights!!

What about you?  What habits or patterns get in your way?

What do you REALLY REALLY REALLY want?

A few weeks ago one of my clients was sharing how she had been waking up each morning and asking herself what do you REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT?  She had seen it on an Oprah episode and had found it interesting.  As she asked herself the question each morning she would make note of what came up for her.  Most of the time it wasn't a big or life changing want but more of a small want; like I want to do yoga more frequently or I want to eat pizza for breakfast.

The part of the exercise she found most interesting was just in asking the question.  The natural pause that the question caused.  No matter how many times she asked the question, she said there was always a moment of "huh" and then she was usually surprised by the response.  As she asked and answered the question she started to learn more about herself and what was important to her. The question seems so basic, so 'duh' but when you are trying to figure out how to live a life of intentionality and meaning asking yourself these types of questions can really help.

I have found personally asking this question in times of conflict with another person has helped me get clear on what is really going on.  If I am having a disagreement with a friend or colleague or even my nearest and dearest I will pause and ask myself ok what do I really really really want out of this situation.  (Sometimes that pause comes in the middle of the conflict sometimes it comes at the end) Most of the time my answer isn't what I am fighting for or even asking for--most of the time I am somewhat stunned by the answer.   Honestly, what I really really really want is usually possible but the vulnerability around asking for it is too much. So I put up a number of smoke screens in the conflict rather than go through the vulnerability to ask for what I really really really want.  When I ask the question and can ask for the answer the conflict usually dissipates relatively quickly.

Whenever I am stuck, feeling overwhelmed or just curious I will ask myself ok what do you really, really, really want and the response usually surprises me. Not necessarily that I need to act on that want in the moment..but it allows for the pause and brings a certain level of clarity to the moment.

So today just ask yourself, what do you REALLY REALLY REALLY want out of your day, your life or just the moment? You might be surprised by the answer.

Add a Little Silly

Lately I confess it has been a little intense in my world.  With the new year came a new list of goals, ideas, projects etc. I have been a very head down, studious and hard working girl.  I have accomplished a lot, moved forward on a lot of goals and ideas.  Which is awesome and wonderful!!

Then amazingly, yesterday, I had a pleasant reminder of how much I love to laugh, and how laughter has been missing from my nose to the grindstone life of late. I couldn't even tell you what happened but somehow I ended up laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breathe.  And then I remembered how much I love to laugh, how good it feels to just let loose and be silly.  I am a big believer that in midst of all things you need to laugh--laughter is a key component to my work as a counselor.

It is important as you move through a transition, debate life issues, think about what comes next that you take time to laugh, to be silly, to blow off some steam.

I absolutely LOVE thinking about the best way to move forward, the next step in the path and different ways to grow personally and professionally.  I LOVE helping clients think about those concepts and figure out what comes next.  However, I also LOVE to just be silly.  I love to laugh until I can't breathe, dance until my legs want to fall off, and just plain have fun.  And I confess I don't do it nearly enough. Fortunately for me I have people in my life who remind me the importance of being silly, cutting loose and just ENJOY life.   We all need that balance, the yin to the yang of life.

When we don't have those 2 counter energies...life gets to be too much, it gets to be overwhelming.

So today I am going to keep it simple and just say give yourself a break.  Do something fun, watch a silly movie or read a book that makes you joyous.  Add a little silly in to your life.

The War of the Wants and the Shoulds

What if the possibilities were endless?  What if you could do whatever, whenever, wherever?

This is the question I keep having with myself in relation to how I want to spend my time next weekend.  You see, next Saturday, I will be celebrating my 39th Birthday!!  Next Thursday my nearest and dearest leaves on a 5 day boys weekend to celebrate a friend of his 30th birthday.  So I have the whole weekend to myself and I can't for the life of me figure out what I want to do with my time.  As a side note: Yes, I am sad that my nearest and dearest won't be here ON my Birthday and quite honestly that is how I would want to spend the day--but I am excited for him to get to hang with his friends whom he doesn't see very often and we will have many weekends in February to celebrate!

I have thought about taking a trip, hanging with friends, throwing a party, renting a party bus, staying home to chill, and going on a meditation retreat. I feel I should be social, get out of the house, I should take a trip, go someplace warm, really whoop up my 39th and kick off my last year in the 30s with a bang.  Bottom line I just don't know I am having choice anxiety.  Overwhelmed by too much possibility.

I think this frequently happens to us in our lives, we get overwhelmed by decisions with what do next?

First we think about all the options I could go back to school, I could move to Jamaica, I could stay at my current job and ask for a raise, I could move companies and do the same job or I could do nothing. Yep, the possibilities are endless.

Then we think of all the shoulds, I should be making more money, I should be responsible, I should stay where I am for the kids, I should have a Masters Degree, I should study something appropriate and on and on and on...

More often then not we choose the do nothing option.  Not because it is what we want necessarily, but because it is less painful.  Frequently the wants and the shoulds are contradictory and we can spin and spin and spin on all the options, contradictions and possibilities so we stay put.  Doing nothing.  Sometimes that is ok.  Sometimes the timing is off, we know WHAT we want do but it isn't the right time, we don't have the appropriate funding, we aren't quite ready yet, the kids are too young or we need to do some more research.

The danger comes when we aren't intentional about what's happening.  When we stay stuck not because it makes sense but because the battle between the options and the shoulds is too great.   When we go back and forth ad nauseum.--as I have been doing on my how to spend my Birthday debate. It isn't that I don't know what I want to do it is that I think I should want something different.

I don't want to have a big ring in the 39th celebration--(like I think I should) I don't want to plan a trip and organize (or pay for) flights, hotels dinners etc (like I think I should).  I want and crave a quiet weekend at home--just me and our pets, watching movies, reading books sleeping in and eating yummy food.  Is it what I think I should want?  No.  But that's ok.  The minute I was honest with myself the decision came to me as well as the reason why it was so challenging, my shoulds were louder than my wants.  So frequently we are stuck because our shoulds are louder than our wants--and when that occurs it is next to impossible to move forward until we are able to be honest with ourselves.

Whether the decision is larger or small,  impacting the long term or short---whenever we are listening to the voice of the should we will remain stuck and we most definitely will not be living happier.

What Do You Believe...

Photo Credit:  SweetonVeg

Yesterday I posted about facing some of my own fears when it comes to growing my business.  One of the lessons I have learned is you have to know what you are working towards, know what you value and what you believe in.  If you don't have this foundation it is a lot more challenging to forge on when things get challenging.

Yesterday, Lynn at Power Chicks wrote a similar post talking about her own fears and how she recently came back to figuring out what she believes as her guiding force.  When you can name what you stand for, what you believe, or what you value, you can return to that foundation as the road gets bumpy, curvy and just plain fogged in.

For example, if you believe living a life of integrity is most important, than decisions you make, careers you think about and people you engage with should all support your integrity value.  Similarly, if you believe a loving family eats dinner every night, than the priorities you set and the decisions you make all support that belief.  Or if you believe responsible people pay their bills on time...you will do everything in your power to make that happen and fulfill that belief.

Our beliefs are like a guiding light, they make us who we are and structure our day to day lives. It is just a rarity that we say them out loud.  One of the exercises I have all my clients do is a Values exercise,  I have them name their top 5 values and then I have them share how they are living those values in their life and career right now.  So frequently the pain and discomfort we feel in our lives is when we aren't congruent with our values.  I believe one of the keys to being happier is to align our values with our day to day actions the best we can.  Admittedly we can't always do that do to life circumstances, past decisions or the people around us.  However, the goal is to start building awareness around what you really believe is important to you and what are the small changes you can implement to make those beliefs congruent with your lifestyle.

So today I ask you to think about and share in the comments (if you are so inclined)  What do you believe?

First Hand Wisdom on Facing the Fear Monger

Thanks to Kevin Shorter

One thing I do consistently is practice what I preach. All the tips, wisdom, insights I post on this blog I try to engage in, in my day to day life .  Lately, I have been facing the Fear Monger, building awareness around my internal messages, and going for my dreams.  In the spirit of my year of honesty, I am going to share a bit of honesty in my post and a bit of wisdom as well.

 Last year was a big year for me,  my nearest and dearest moved in, I got engaged, planned a wedding, got married, was there for my in-laws and my husband as my mother in law fought her cancer battle, and also began dealing more seriously with my father's fight with Parkinson's.  It was A LOT of stuff--needless to say my business got moved to the back burner. Partially because of all that stuff and partially because to move to the next level I had to face some fears and deal with some demons and quite frankly I just didn't have the energy for that.  So I kept my business going status quo, saw clients, blogged here and there and while my business did fine there wasn't any real growth.

At the start of 2012, I decided a couple of things: one I wanted my business to get bigger, I wanted to reach more people, do more writing, speaking, counseling and just generally put myself out there in a bigger way and two I wanted this to be my year of honesty.  Frankly, to do number one I believe you have to do number two.  So in the past 18 days I have put myself out there more, I have worked on a new bigger business plan, I have written more, posted more, face booked' more, tweeted more,  and in general each day I have just showed up and been engaged in my business more.  And I have to say it has been hard, challenging exhilarating, energizing, anxiety producing, joyous, and exhausting.

But here are a few insights, lessons I am re-learning and ideas that I have had over the past few weeks:

1.You never feel more alive than when you are pushing your limits.  Facing my fears, questioning myself, checking in and asking what I want to do next is nerve wracking and exhilarating.  But it feels 1000 times better than living life one foot in one foot out--living in the status quo.

2.  You have to have a vision.  Each day I return to my overall vision for my business and my life:  to help people see the possibility in their lives and to help them live genuine, authentic lives so they live and work happier.  Yes, I have to do a lot of other stuff in order to do that--marketing, using social media, networking etc.  But doing all the stuff that I don't like is a lot easier when I know why.

3. There isn't always a right way.  Yep, I am a bit of a perfectionist--sometimes to the determent of my productivity and of my sanity.  I get too caught up in doing it right--and usually there isn't one right way.

4. There is a time to push and a time to rest.   I admit I can be a bit too driven--pushing myself too hard and in the process missing the forest for the trees.  There are times when I have found myself during 'work hours' forcing myself to be productive and just not feeling it.  More often then not when I step a way, take a breathe and concentrate on something else I can come back feeling more productive and committed.

5.  Celebrate the little things.  When it comes to facing the fear monger, and chartering new territories you can get so focused on the big picture you don't take the time to celebrate the little victories.  Some days just coming up with a blog post is a HUGE day for my.  Somedays I am a writing and marketing wiz--regardless I am learning to celebrate both days equally.

6.  You have to walk before you can run, or more importantly you have to fall before you can walk.  Mistakes happen, progress is slow but any time you are putting one foot in front of the other you are moving more towards your authentic life---and that is a win in my book.

What about you?  Any lessons you have learned in facing your fears or going after your goals?

Keep Calm and Carry On.

Keep Calm and Carry On is a phrase you see and hear a lot these days.  Ironically it was designed by the British government during World War II to be used to keep up morale in case of a German invasion.  Fortunately, they never had to be used.  Then randomly, a bookseller found the poster in a box of books he had received at auction and framed it on his wall..from there the sentiment took off.

The idea was in stereotypical British fashion to keep the stiff upper lip and in essence--"never let them see you sweat".  I like to think of it as just keep going, one step in front of the other...don't panic, and carry on. Another poster that I have found oddly inspiring says "keep making things idiot". Again similar concept of just keep going, keep putting one step in front of the other.  Keep creating, keep making new things, keep growing.

I find comfort in these sayings because I too need the reminder that change is hard.  We need to show up every day and put one front of the other, handle the fear, embrace the joy and create.  No matter what change you are engaged in:  figuring out what you really want to do, looking for a new job, building a business or simply changing a mis-perception you have of yourself. You have to start someone where you have to simply 'keep calm and carry on'.  In today's society of instant everything it is so easy to get caught up in instant change, instant success, immediate gratification.  But real lasting change, real lasting success takes time...it takes one foot in front of the other.  One phone call, one email, one belief, one creation.

In our fast paced world it is easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to other people or 'shoulding' all over yourself.  True change, true success comes from staying calm, listening to yourself, and carrying on one foot in front of the other.    So today I encourage you when your anxiety fires up or your fear monger's voice becomes louder than your own, remind yourself to simply...keep calm and carry on.

Love Letter to Yourself

This week I was reminded about one of the practices of one of my favorite speakers/authors Elizabeth Gilbert.  When she appeared on the Oprah show discussing her book, Eat Pray Love, she talks about writing a love letter to herself from the perspective of a dear friend (in the spirit of we talk nicer to our dear friends then we do to ourselves).  She engaged in this practice when she was feeling particularly anxious and stressed, specifically during her divorce.

First off, a small rant that when I am feeling anxious and stressed and I stop and breathe and say out loud the messages that I am hammering myself with I am constantly amazed!!  If we don't stop and breathe and listen, Fear Monger messages just play there on and on like our own personal negative record player (or iPod if I am going to be hip).  When they go unchecked they are brutal and relentless and can do serious damage to our goals, dreams and passions.  They keep us safely stuck.  And 99% of the time they are based in nothing, irrational beliefs that are there to protect me against old wounds (many that have since been healed) and past tapes of relationships long gone.   So regardless of engaging in the letter writing, pay attention to when you are feeling particularly anxious, unfocused, angry and notice what is quietly playing there. End of rant.

So writing a letter to yourself.  I admit it sounds hokey and I also admit I have given this assignment to clients only to be met with a blank stare or a "yeah, great idea" knowing they will never complete it.  But it is an amazing exercise in self love.  To talk to yourself in the voice of a friend is so foreign to us and so welcomed.  When we are going through transition, feeling stuck and scared, the fear mongers can be relentless.  So it is important to remind ourselves in a loving caring voice that yes, it will be ok, you are a lot stronger than you think, you are a dynamic caring insightful human being.  I know for me when I am feeling particularly scared and the fear monger is taking up WAY too much space in my mind I will pull out a piece of paper and on one side write everything the fear monger is saying just to get it out of my mind and on to a piece of paper just to see what I am mindlessly thinking and then on the other side of the paper I will write what a dear friend would say to me.  I write a few sentences or a long letter.  I write loving, caring supportive words. I remind myself that no I am not all the things my fear monger is telling me and yes I am capable of more than I ever thought possible.

So today I encourage you to write a love letter to yourself.  Even if the fear monger isn't coming living rent free in  your head...write it any way we always need to give ourselves more love and appreciation.

Stop Apologizing

Photo Credit:  P-A-T-R-I-C-K

What I love most about my job is the "ah ha" moments I get from my clients.   Recently a client was lamenting to me about how often she apologizes for herself.  She had realized the frequency in which she apologizes for innate parts of personality--most annoying,  the parts of her personality she really enjoys!!  As I sat there listening to her voice her frustration, I thought, to myself, she is not alone...we all apologize way too often for way too much.

Now for the record, I am not talking about apologizing when you do something hurtful or say something inappropriate. I am talking about apologizing for your mere existence on the planet.  Apologizing for the fact that you understood something easier, jumped a few steps faster than a co-worker or even streamlined a project with ease.  Somewhere along the line we were taught to apologize for our gifts--apologize for the traits that make us unique or different.

It has become the new norm in polite society to apologize for having an opinion, perspective or solution that is different.  It is ironic because on one hand we celebrate our differences and that no two people are alike and on the other hand we spend my of our time conforming to make sure no one gets uncomfortable.

The problem, as my client was lamenting, is that apologizing for ourselves keeps us stuck.  When we say "I'm sorry" for every difference, every little thing we keeping our unique gifts from begin shown to the world.  In making sure everyone is comfortable and safe we aren't growing and changing as a person or as a community.

It is almost laughable when you think about the things we apologize for...in paying attention to myself I apologize for being too insightful, or too 'therapisty' or even too sensitive to others needs.  All of these traits are aspects of myself I like about myself.  They are traits that not every one has and admittedly traits that can be overwhelming...but not traits that I need to be ashamed of or sorry about.  They are traits that make me who I am.

When I look at the people who inspire me they are putting themselves out there, unabashedly sharing their ideas and opinions.

What about you?  What do you find yourself apologizing for?

Dyana Valentine, recently did a talk at Tedx on this topic called I'm Not Sorry . Check it out!

A Call To Stop Dog-Earing

Thanks Angusf's for the perfect photo!

This weekend during coffee o'clock, my nearest and dearest turned to me and said, "you know I was thinking last night, real change has to start with more than just turning down the corners of a magazine"

I looked at him inquisitively and he went on to say, "you know how people mark catalogs with stuff they want by turning down the corners of the page...well real change requires more than just having an interest in the subject."

The insight reminded me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine last week.  I was telling her about a book that I had just found which I thought might be helpful to her---I asked if she had heard of it and she replied, "yep, actually I bet it is sitting on the book shelf over there" We both laughed, knowingly.  One of our many inside jokes is the number of books and resources we have purchased and never read.  This use to be a HUGE problem for myself--I could have purchased stock in Amazon.  Anytime I had an inkling to learn something new or start a new adventure I would go out and buy a book (ok, maybe 2-3 books) and then they would come and I MIGHT crack them open and skim them or I might just put them on the book shelf telling myself I would read them 'at a later time', but never actually getting around to it.

Finally, a few years ago I had a little 'come to Jesus' moment as I call it and realized not only was I wasting a lot of money but there was a deeper problem going on.  I was taking the safe road, making the easy move...looking for the resource, doing the research but not really making any real changes.  I was kidding myself that I was going to learn photography, color mandalas, or train my dog...the list can go on and on.

So often we buy a book or take a class thinking we will be changed in just in the purchase alone.  But change is greater then a purchase, greater than even reading the book.  Change is consistent process of action.  Sometimes that action, moves us forward, sometimes it moves us backward, sometimes it is learning how to just be.   But it is an action.  Change requires pushing our comfort zone paying attention to when we get uncomfortable. Change requires awareness of how we feel when we pick up a book or walk into a class to learn something new.  Without this awareness we unknowingly put up roadblocks and passively prevent change.  So maybe we need to pick up the book and do a quick skim, maybe we need to just read chapters 1-5 and let it percolate, maybe we need to just dive in and embrace the fear and learn something new.

The point is it is time to stop dog-earing our way through life!!!  All those years I have been just 'dog-earing' the page of the things I want to change and learn.  What ideas have you been just dog-earing in your own life?

*** Have to give a special shout out to my nearest and dearest for the blog inspiration--don't know what I would do without you!

2012 My Year of Honesty

Thanks to Cynthia for the pic!

In the blogosphere (i.e. the world o'blogs) it has become trendy and hip to determine your theme or word of the year.  Actually, my friend and colleague Michelle Barry Franco has been doing this for years. The concept is that each year rather than a resolution or intention you have an over arching theme that you want to work on or work towards.  I admit I have hesitated to participate--mostly because it has become trendy and hip and I didn't want to be 'yet another person jumping on this band wagon'.   After years of observing I have watched my friend Michelle really get something out of this idea of a theme.   So this year, after writing my intentions the thought keeps popping into my head about my year theme and what that means.

I like the concept of a theme because it fits into so many areas of our lives.  We can have the theme of family, health, joy, laughter or relationships and from those themes can come many different intentions.  So if your theme is health you could have the intention from quitting smoking to taking 5 minutes a day to meditate.  If family is your theme you could have anything from learn your roots and work on your genealogy to spend more time with your immediate family.  The possibilities are really endless.

So what is my theme you might ask?  After much debate and thought...I kept coming back to words like genuine, congruency, authenticity and truth.  Words that had the theme of honesty.  So I decided my theme would be honesty.  To be honest (ha!) I was surprised that this was the word that resonated the most, because I value truth, I am a trustworthy person.  However, honesty fits for me, in this time, for this year. To be honest, I have a tendency (as we all do..but I have a skill at it) of burying my head in the sand and heading into denial.  Yes, I believe denial is there for a reason to protect us from the pain of life, but I want to be more honest as to how long I stay in the denial phase of pain management!!   I want to be more honest with myself in what I really want out of my life, and my business  I want to be more honest in my relationships in what I need and how I feel.  I want to be more honest in what is happening around me, and the actions I need to take.

There you have it.. me sharing (and honestly feeling quite vulnerable about it) my 2012 theme of Honesty. What themes resonate with you?  What words peak your interest for the year 2012 or even just for the month of January?  Feel free to share in the comments.

The Beauty of the Reframe

My nearest and dearest and I have a wonderful little schedule I get up early and do my morning routine, have my coffee, read the paper and ease into my day.  Then usually I get an hour or so of work in before he makes his way downstairs to begin his day.  Occasionally he will surprise me by waking up with me and shaking up my morning routine.  This morning was one of those mornings, and my ability to shift and change wasn't quite there.  I love my husband, I love spending time with him AND I love my morning routine.  So I confess I was a little discombobulated this morning.

Then randomly, I looked over and I say my nearest and dearest sitting on the couch, coffee in hand with our cat, Pooh stretched out beside him, both looking so cute and comfortable.  And I thought to myself, wow how lucky are you, to have a husband who wants to get up with you and start the day with you, who wants to hear about your life, who supports you and loves you. He just woke up early and was excited to have coffee with me, he wasn't trying to 'get in my way' or 'mess up my morning routine' he was just being my wonderfully impulsive, no particular routine nearest and dearest. I admit, I got a little teary with gratitude, and a little ashamed of my original discombobulation. But after that reframing, I walked over and gave my husband a kiss and went on with my day...feeling gratitude.

Reframing:  Seeing a situation through another lens, from another angle.  One of the keys to living and working happier is reframing. Unfortunately, reframing doesn't always come that easily...it takes a little intention, and awareness.  Reframing requires us to be aware that we are upset, angry or annoyed and then it requires us to intentionally look at the situation from another person's lens.  When we are open to seeing a situation differently, open to letting go of our annoyance, open to a new perspective, situations become easier, relationships become better and life becomes happier.

Too often it is just requires too much effort to reframe.  Quite honestly, we just want to be pissy.  Too much resentment or anger has built up and a simple reframe just seems impossible.  It is when we reach this point that reframing seems impossible that we need to reframe all the more...that anger and resentment is only hurting us. It is making us miserable, sucking our energy and hindering our ability to be happier.

I guarantee if you can slowly start chipping away at that negativity, slowly start seeing the world from a different lens, the picture becomes brighter and the frame becomes prettier.

Turning Wishes into Intentions.

Thanks to thoseshortbangs

Happy New Year!  Welcome to 2012.  I am very excited about the new year, feeling the renewed energy of possibility and freshness.  Some of you may know that I am a not a big fan of resolutions.  Largely because resolutions become more of a chance to beat up on ourselves when we don't do them correctly, rather than a chance for us to give ourselves a little self love and self reflection.  All change is incremental...and resolutions are no different.  We will fail at the detoxing from sugar (as I am trying to do right now), we will not get to the gym every day, we will have a cigarette...the point is to not get stuck in the failure but to remember it is a process and to know that mistakes are all part of the process.

That said, I left 2011 by having us complete our 2011 Wish List.  It was a two folded exercise.  First, it was a fun way to look at our lives and just dream...dream big...without judgment or criticism.  Second, I thought it would be a helpful jumping off point for seeing what changes, additions, hopes we had for 2012.   The wish list is the dream of all dreams..it is the core of what I believe will help me Work Happier and Live Happier.  The wish list is constantly ebbing and changing but it the wishes I wrote down took some time and some thought...so they are an insight into what really matters to me. They touch on my values, my beliefs and the people and things that are most important in my life.  I am going to use my wish list as a example for what I am talking about.

My 2011 Wish List

1. A Cure for Parkinson's Disease, Cancer and Epilepsy--
2. Continued Good Health for myself:  
3. The Ability to Eat WHATEVER and Not Hurt my Health.  
4. Compassion.  
5. Travel. 
6. My own private jet and someone to take care of it and fly it.  
7. A Maid. 
8. New Sheets Every 6 months. 
9. Consistent Supply of Quality Books. 
10. Intentional Living.  

 Example of My 2012 Intentions

1. To take the time to spend with the people in my life who have been touched with Parkinson's, Cancer and Epilepsy.  To be empathetic to their illnesses and to support and love them as best I can.
2. To take care of myself as best as possible... I already work out daily, and eat pretty healthfully but I want to become more intentional around meditation, relaxation and boundaries. 
3. Unfortunately I can't eat whatever I want (BIG DREAM) but I CAN be intentional about what I eat and when.  So when I do treat myself to a piece of cake to really enjoy that cake each and every sinful bite.
4. I want to practice more self compassion and give myself a break from time to time.
5. Travel is always a priority for me...figuring out how to keep travel into my every increasingly busy life.
6. Own jet plane--not going to happen for a VERY long time---but it is is still a dream.
7. A Maid is long term goal...in the mean time I can find fun ways to make cleaning the house more enjoyable.
8. New Sheets every 6 months---again an impossibility---but I can (and usually do) make an effort to put clean, fresh sheets on the bed frequently and acknowledge that warm wonderful feeling of crawling into a freshly made bed.
9. I have already started making reading more of a priority..shutting of the TV and opening up my book is a good start.
10. Intentional living is something I do each and every day of my life.  Fortunately I approach this year with renewed energy to help spread the message and power in living intentionally with as many people who will listen to me!!

So there you have it--for the record I am not implementing all of these intentions today!  These are intentions for the next year--and currently I am actively working on 2-3 of them.  They are all powerful and important to me in their own way (after all they came from my Wish List) but it is impossible to make that much change at one time.  For the sake of example, I wanted to give you as many options as possible in transferring your wish list into an intention list.  Clearly, not all your wishes can become intentions (that is the beauty of having big dreams).  Many of them can be tweaked in some small way to help us implement ways to do what makes our heart sing!!

As always, please feel free to share your 2012 intentions in the comment section.