Your Presence is Your Present

Frequently on party invitations from friends I will see the phrase your presence is your present. Which is a lovely statement for all of life.  Most of the time we just need people to show up for us.  To be present to our both our doubts and fears as well as our victories and celebrations.  We want to come up with something brilliant or wise to say but in reality it is our presence that is healing.  I believe it is our ability to show up and stand with someone as they move through life's challenges and tribulations.

Friends and I were just venting the other day about the trite sayings well meaning people put forth in time of stress:  "You are strong, you will get through this", "This too shall pass", "There are people way worse off then you", "I knew someone that went through that...." etc.  As I said people are well meaning, I think we feel a pressure or a social norm to SAY or DO something.  To fill the space, or move past the uncomfortable feelings.  But in reality if we can pause and just be present with the other person we are truly giving them a gift.  We are allowing ourselves to be open and vulnerable to those we are close to without saying a word.

When someone is struggling or in pain, we want to HELP we want to DO something.  It just doesn't feel enough to show up and be with them.  But allowing someone who is going through one of life's valleys to just be themselves to be sad, angry, happy, busy or bored.  To accept them where they are and how they are reacting is such a gift.  To hold off on the advice, sayings or personal examples and allow them to have their own space is an amazing act of love and respect.  And then to be able to give ourselves that same gift.  To allow ourselves to have the space to experience our emotional lives and our thoughts as the come.   I believe, we can only be present and show up to others when we can show up to ourselves.

So this week practice showing up.  Allowing your presence to be your present.

We All Need A Little Love

Recently I came across this amazing quote:  "There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world then for bread".  --Mother Theresa  I love the quotes that make you pause and think, this would be one of them.  I have written on this blog about kindness and appreciation, even about love.  I wonder at times what keeps us from embracing the world with love, it seems like such a simple practice. But I know in reality, as we go out in to the world this concept is actually a  challenging one. It is challenging to let down our own anger, hurt, sadness and fear.  To release our agenda or judgments in honor of love and appreciating someone else or even ourselves.  I know when I am most judgmental it is when I am feeling most insecure.  It is this insecurity, this pain when allowed to run amuck causes the most damage to ourselves and those around us.

For many of us that hunger starts from within, we feel unworthy, unappreciated, unloved.  We walk around with chips on our shoulder because we have hammered ourselves so hard there is little left.  We have a vision of perfection, of how we should be and when we fall short we beat ourselves up at our core and don't let up.  And then we turn on those closest to us, wondering how they could possibly love something so vile and  full of muck as we are, we push them away with our own frustration and pain.  Then when they react negatively to our unkindness we feel justified that yes we are in fact despicable human beings and the pattern start all over again.  The truth is, we can't expect someone to treat us with kindness and love us unconditionally if we aren't at least attempting to love ourselves unconditionally.   The other truth is we are all full of muck. We all have fears, sadness, imperfections.  We are all doing the best we can with what we have. The beauty is being honest about those glitches and owning them, rather then pushing them down and hammering ourselves with them so when they spring forth they come out in bitter resentment.

In my opinion, the only way we can go out into the world with love and appreciation is to start giving that to ourselves.  To start each day giving ourselves a little kindness, paying attention to the negative messages we send ourselves, and the times when we hammer ourselves.   Being open and honest about our fears/concerns/our muck rather then keeping it all trapped inside,  And at the same time, treating those around us with a little kindness,   Once we can start giving ourselves a little love we can share that kindness with others.  Together we can end the hunger for love and appreciation.

Living Happier Through Our Mistakes

Ah mistakes, we all make them.  We all hate that we make them.  There are very few people I know who relish in their mistakes and truly enjoy when they are wrong.  The thing is we all make mistakes, we all mess up we all make bad decisions and chose unwisely, that is human.  Our ego gets involved and tells us we are weak or less then when we make mistake.  I would argue that we are at our finest when we are making mistakes--because we are risking, trying, attempting something anything. The fear of making a mistake can paralyze us.  This fear can keep us trapped in an unsatisfying job, a hurtful relationship or a miserable situation.   I see it all the time in my office, people afraid that they will mess up or make a mistake and pick the wrong path so they do nothing.

However, life is best lived when we take action.  We are more likely to live happier when we change the areas of our lives that are making us miserable, whether that be to leave or stay and change our behaviors, change is necessary.  I believe, without risk there is no change; without change there is no growth and without growth happiness is limited.   That risk means the risk of being wrong, of making a mistake!  Oh the torment, to gain growth and happiness--we have to risk making a mistake.  As I tell myself and my clients almost daily--welcome to life!

When I look back on my life, on the relationships that were painful, or the jobs that were challenging I can see a lot of mistakes and because of those mistakes I am where I am today.  I am in a relationship that is honest and real and supportive.  I am in a job I love and enjoy.  I took a lot of twists and turns to get here, jumped off a lot of cliffs and came out of a few valleys but here I sit no worse for the wear, happy that I made all those unfortunate turns and mistakes.  And I know there will be many more in my future, many more risks and many more mistakes many more peaks and valleys.  That is life, that is the juciness that is life.  Life isn't about living mistake free, life is about experiencing as much as possible and being as true to ourselves as we can.

Often I will encourage clients to make a list of people around them whom they admire or think are happy.  Then I will ask them to go talk to these people and listen to their story.   When we listen to people's life stories they are are messy, filled with heartache and love, sweat and tears.  They have had moments of jumping off the cliff with no net and moments of sheer "why am I doing this now" thoughts, and yet here they are with amazing lives, amazing stories all because from time to time they made amazing mistakes.

Healthy Boundaries Help Us Live Happier

A friend of mine sends out motivational quotes of the day. A few days ago she sent out this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  I love this quote.  It is always a good reminder for me.  This quote is really talking about having healthy boundaries.  About understanding what is our stuff and what is someone else's stuff.  Frequently we allow people to put their negativity, bad mood, or general unhappiness on to us.  We take responsibility for making them feel better, helping them understand, helping them be less miserable.  In the process of being a good samaritan, we often end up feeling inferior, insecure or down right miserable.

So often we get stuck, trying to make every one happy.  Trying to make sure no one is talking about us or that everyone thinks we are ok.  When in reality all that matters is that we are making choices that are honoring ourselves and those we love that are around us.  Frequently we spend so much time worrying about what other people think, and if we truly thought about it we don't even respect these 'other people'.  We allow them to make us feel 'less then', or inferior rather than honoring recognizing the wisdom of Eleanor Roosevelt that no one can make us feel inferior without our permission.

The key to not allowing people to 'bring us into their own muck' is to establish strong boundaries.  Healthy relationships involve two whole people.  I am an independent circle and you are an independent circle.  As we come together our circles might intersect but they still stay in tact, one circle does not engulf the other one.  Frequently in an attempt to get people to like us, not cause conflict or just because we were trained to be a 'good person', we allow people to cross our boundaries and invade both our physical and emotional space.  Thus we give them the power to make us feel inferior or less then.  When we have strong boundaries we don't 'take on' or become responsible for someone else's muck.  Even when those around us are struggling or having challenges, we can be there to support them, even carry their weight if necessary, but we don't lose our boundaries, ourselves.  We are still an whole intact person allowing another to lean on us for a time.  Ironically, the more fully formed our boundaries are the better support we can become to others.   If we set up healthy boundaries and listen to our own innate wisdom we will live happier.

Where do you get your energy?

This weekend I decided to take a last minute trip to Chicago.  My aunt and uncle live in Chicago and are two of my favorite people in the world!  The hub of their home in the summer is their giant front porch. Whether we are sipping our coffee in the morning and making up stories about the people who walk by or sipping our wine in the evening analyzing some in-depth psychological topic, it all takes place on the front porch.  What I love most about our conversations is that we inter-mix our chatting with reading or knitting.  You see, we are all introverts and we do a wonderful job of chatting and regrouping all at the same time.    

Most people think of introverts as people who are shy, quiet, reclusive and extroverts are the life of the part, outgoing, friendly, loving people.  However, according to Myers Briggs personality testing, the main difference between introvert and extroverts is where you prefer to focus your attention and get your energy.  Basically introverts get their energy from being in their inner world, being alone, having time with their thoughts and feelings, while extroverts get their energy from being with other people.  For example you go to a party and you talk to people and you leave feeling exhausted (you are an introvert) or you go to a party and you talk to a bunch of people and you leave feeling energized and wanting to go to the after party (you are an extrovert) .

I admit my life has become much more peaceful and happier once I realized the fact that I am an introvert.  I enjoy my alone time and need it at the end of the day.  It has also helped with my relationships knowing my loved ones might need time to regroup from a long day and it has nothing to do with me. Especially those of us who are introverts who can fake being extroverts.  Those of us who are social and interactive, who like attending parties and having intense conversations and then need time to reenergize and be alone.  We confuse the around us (especially the extroverts) who don't understand why we aren't energized and excited.  Frequently if I have had a quiet day at home writing and reading and my nearest and dearest has been at work talking and leading he needs time to regroup. He wants to sit quietly and zone out and I am already re-energized from my day of rest.  Knowing he is an introvert who needs to regroup and that it doesn't have anything to do with me, is helpful. To the same end it is helpful to understand the people in my life who need more 'people interaction' who are energized and fed by being around people and crave it more.  As we understand and embrace these differences we can all live happier.

So pay attention to where you get your energy.  When you leave a social interaction are you more or less energized?  What about your loved ones does being with people energize them or exhaust them?

Pick and Commit

Choice anxiety seems to be a theme in my world lately. Choosing between two options and figuring out which one would be the best to pick is always a challenge.  For some of us that challenge gets increased when we are constantly doubting our choices.  Did I make the right decision?  Did I pick correctly?  What if I had done ____?

For many of us, a simple place this choice anxiety reveals itself is around food.  You are in a restaurant and you are choosing between a burger which you are really craving and a healthy salad with fresh greens and other vegetables.  You decide (after much debate) to go for the burger.  However,  the whole time you are eating the burger you are wishing you had ordered the salad.  You are hammering yourself for not eating healthy, eating red meat, not eating your vegetables, etc.  Not only did you eat something that might have not been as nutritionally sound but you didn't even enjoy the fact that you really wanted it!!  You didn't just pick one and go with it.  Ideally you would debate which one you wanted, make your decision  and go with it.  No guilt, no what-ifs, no anxiety.  You would eat the burger and enjoy every juicy bite.  You would commit to the burger and be totally in the moment as you took each bite.  Now I am not saying that once you commit you can't be wrong.  You could really regret not getting the salad, and so next time you will know the salad is a better option.  The key is not to be beating the decision to death once it is already made.

So often when we have choice anxiety after we make our decisions we spend so much time obsessing over if it was the right decision or not we don't enjoy the option we picked.  This can leave us paralyzed and miserable.  Basically we begin to doubt our guts, our inner voice, our place of knowing.  I believe we KNOW if we want the burger or not, we are just so caught up in our heads hearing other people's words as to why we should or shouldn't eat a burger and that can leave us debilitated.

One of my favorite ways to get in touch with the gut again is the coin flip test.  I use this test frequently with clients.  A few years ago, a client was debating between taking a job out of state or staying in Ohio and going back to school.  We spent a few sessions going over the pros and cons and whenever I thought she had come to a choice she would return the following week more confused.  Finally,  I said we are going to make the choice today. Whatever this test decides is the answer.  She nodded her head emphatically.  So I told her the test was that I was going to flip a coin. She looked at me stunned.  The rules were that if it landed on she stayed in Ohio and if it landed on tails she moved, no exceptions. The coin was deciding and she had to commit. I flipped the coin and it landed on tails, and immediately, for a split second, her face fell.  I said,  congratulations you are moving!" She just smiled at me.  Then I said, "Do you want to go for the best 2 our of 3?" and she smiled and  said, "Actually, yes".  There was her answer, she didn't want to move she really wanted to stay here.  Her emotional, gut level response was disappointed by the idea of moving, her gut wanted her to stay here. You could see that a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.  She had made the decision and she felt good about it!

The key to making a decision is getting as clear as possible on what your emotional/gut level response is.  It is easy to get clouded in the shoulds and what if's, but we need to pick and commit. We need to enjoy the decision we have made and not obsess over it once we have committed to an option.  Even with the coin toss test we can make bad decisions the key is to learn from those decisions not hammer ourselves for making them!

The Power of Empathy.

Lately a theme for me in my life and in my practice has been empathy.  As I have said before, I think this world has lost it's ability to be empathetic, to be kind.  So often I have clients come in who are working on their relationships, usually their marriages.  The language that is used tends to revolve more around   punishment, accountability, paying the consequences, disappointment etc.  The words of love, compassion, vulnerability, empathy and trust don't even make the radar screen and when I suggest them it is as if I have 10 heads. Now I realize many of these people have been in marriages that have been full of disappointment, mistrust, anger and hurt.  The first step is beginning to repair that damage.  But as the old saying goes 'if you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got'.  Meaning the pattern has to change, the cycle of pain, hurt, disappointment, punishment, apathy has to change, someone has to step up.  That is the challenge, because that step up requires a risk of pain and hurt.  So many couples choose to stay in apathy mode, a mode of self protection and justification.

In true confession I struggle with this theme in my own life, I don't want to be taken advantage of, I don't want to over give or be seen as a fool.  But I do want to be someone who loves those in my life with an open heart.  Someone who accepts them for who they are and recognizes their limitations and struggles and tries to meet them half way.  It is a fine line, a muddled and icky line. For most of my teens and twenties I aired on the side of giving too much and was often taken advantage of.  My friends and I will retell the stories of the men and the stuff we put up with because we were too young and didn't know better.  And in reaction to that pain I bounced back the other way--I steeled myself against giving too much and set out looking for the perfect person who wouldn't hurt me, who wouldn't take advantage, who would always put me first and be there.  I was saddened to discover,  that person doesn't exist.

In reality, relationships are messy.  We are dealing with another human being here who has baggage, fears, insecurities, emotional issues etc.  I know I am not perfect by any means why would I expect my nearest and dearest to get it right every time.  The one thing I know for sure is how I see the world, my perception, vision, rules of living are totally different then how others see the world.  If I could give people (including myself) one gift it would be a reminder that not everyone sees the world like you do.  We sometimes need to step out of our view, take off our glasses and walk over to see how our partner is looking at the world.  We need to have some curiosity about how our partners, and friends interact and view the world.  Rather then shaming them, or punishing them for not seeing the world the way we do we need to embrace them for the fact they can expand our vision and show us a different world.  I am constantly amazed how differently my nearest and dearest views the world from me.  I admit my first response can be frustration or anger when he does something or responds in a way I wouldn't.  It is when I can pause and have some curiosity about this perspective that the anger dissipates and the compassion steps in.  That is how we build the bond of intimacy and caring.

Today notice when you go into self protect mode, when you step up in judgment or anger.  Then gradually begin to have some curiosity and empathy for the other person's perspective.

Do Yourself No Harm

One of my favorite authors is Elizabeth Gilbert.  Her down to earth, matter of fact, style is refreshing.   Recently I watched her speech at the Oprah Magazine 10th Anniversary and was once again blown away by her real, genuine take on life.  We are all doing the best we can, with what we have.  The key is to recognize that in ourselves and those around us.

Check out Elizabeth Gilbert's talk on Do Yourself No Harm.

Living Happier with Our Bodies: The Happy Medium Place

Over the past few days, I have been thinking a lot about body image.  Many of us struggle with body image, weight, healthy eating etc.  I am happy to report, I have greatly decreased my Fat Talk over the past few months, as have my friends.  But I know it is still there, the idea that we aren't enough because we need to lose a few pounds, had donuts for dinner or didn't fit in our workouts this week.

I would like to lose weight--just 10-15 pounds that have creeped up over the past few months.  The problem is, I tend to have 2 modes when it comes to my weight.  A. eat whatever I want whenever I want it--which is what I have been doing the past few months, pizza 2-3 times a week, bite size chocolate treats throughout the day and more then the occasional fast food.  B. I am militant and become obsessed with monitoring every morsel of food for calorie count and nutritional value.  Neither option works for very long.  Option A. Leaves me lethargic, bloated and gaining weight.  Option B. Leaves me obsessed, cranky and unfulfilled. I know, there has to be a happy medium somewhere.

I woke up on Monday--after having pizza and burgers all weekend and decided I needed to do something--which for me means get militant. And a friend of mine who is a trainer/nutritionist gave me a diet to get me jump started.  One month of being hard core and I would lose some weight, cleanse my body and feel better.  I happily agreed, took the diet, went to the grocery store and 2 meals in realized I can't do this.  I can't eat chicken and broccoli and brown rice for dinner every night for a month.  I realized once again I was going down the very scary militant track.  I decided to figure out what I wanted, yes I want to lose weight and fit into the new summer dresses I bought.  But I also want to be able to enjoy my life, have the occasional ice cream and enjoy pizza night with my nearest and dearest (who by the way can eat WHATEVER he wants and still be thin--sadly, I am delusional and like to believe I can eat that way too and not gain weight which is why I am 10-15 lbs overweight, shocking!) More importantly I want to be healthy.  I want to feel energized and excited about my days. I want to know I am feeding my body with the nutrients it deserves not just making sure I keep it under so many calories.   AND I don't want to be obsessed with food.

So I am trying something new--the happy medium place.  The place where I limit sugar, avoid fast food and pick foods that I enjoy that are nutritionally sound. This place also includes pizza night, and the occasional treat of ice cream or cake.   Most importantly, in this place I am not warring against my body hating it for packing on the pounds. I am going to embrace my body from a place of love, a place where I want to treat it well and give it the food it deserves and the movement it craves.  Jen over at Follow My Bliss wrote a lovely post about this happy medium place.  "Love first", she says--and I totally agree.  We need to love our bodies whether we need to lose weight or not.  Because if we don't love our bodies we won't want to take care of them.  The endless battle needs to stop so we can Live Happier in our bodies.

Have you found the happy medium place? What tips do you have for making peace with your body?

Separating Our Self Esteem From Our To-Do List

I admit I am a little unmotivated today. It is warm and sunny here and all I really want to do is hang out.  I have been running from thing to thing most of the day and if I am honest I really haven't accomplished anything on my to do list. I was just getting ready to grab my latest novel and sit out on the porch and then I heard my internal voice go off.  I told myself, "AT LEAST write in your blog, then you will feel like you accomplished something, then you will feel good about yourself" And then I caught myself, caught my internal messages.  REALLY?!?  I will feel good about myself when I accomplish something!  Will I? Or will I just add to the list of more things I need to do to feel good about myself?  It really does get annoying.  No matter how much I know and have internalized the message that I am lovable, worthy, valuable period. I still have the underlying current of you will be good enough when messages. So I decided to go back through my day and think about all the messages that just happened today.

I will feel good enough when:
the kitchen is cleaned,
I make a million dollars,
the house is free of dog hair (which is never going to happen even if I vacuumed every hour)
I have watched everything on my DVR
I have checked off everything on my work to-do list
I finish the book my mom lent me 2 weeks ago
I eat healthier and treat my body better.

And that, my friends is just my list from today.  Honestly, it is only what I can remember from today.  Who knows how many other messages I didn't really acknowledge. How many messages have YOU heard today?

For whatever reason these messages are prevalent.  We might feel like we are fighting an uphill battle trying to win out over our negative critic.  But the key, as I see it continues, to be awareness. Awareness that they are lurking there.  Those pesky little voices that tell me I will be enough only WHEN I accomplish something.  Truth is these voices can be motivating, they can inspire me to get up off the couch and write, vacuum or return a phone call.  But the damage comes when we get stuck in the belief I will be good enough when.  Bottom line I am good enough no matter what, even if I gave myself the rest of the day off to hang on the porch and read.  AND at the end of the day I will probably feel better if I accomplish a few things on my to do list.  However, neither option has nothing to do with my self worth.  They are just options, choices in how I spend my time.  Because the list will always be there. A free evening to hang with my dog reading a good book in the sun won't always--guess I made my choice.

The Great Debate: Teaching Others How to Treat You

The other day I was debating with a friend of mine about the idea that we teach other people how to treat us.  Personally, I love this idea I find it empowering and insightful.  It helps me to realize that I am not a victim in my life.  I have had relationships in my life where the person wasn't treating me well, they were being disrespectful or uncaring. By 'teaching them how to treat me' if I stick around and put up with that negative behavior, I am teaching them it is ok to treat me with disrespect.  I am teaching them that I will be here even if you treat me like crap.  Now, it is NOT saying that I deserved that behavior in the first place, I brought it on myself and taught them from the very beginning to treat me poorly (which is what my friend was arguing).

It really got me thinking about that phrase--while I see it as empowering and I have choices and control, my friend sees it as she has all the responsibility for how people treat her.  So even if someone treats her poorly it is still her fault because she taught them wrong.  (I love that when someone shows me an entirely different  perspective I hadn't even thought about!!!)  I can understand her perspective and why she interprets the phrase/teaching in such a way.  And we had quite the rousing debate around the phrase.  I left with a new perspective (and also still a love for this teaching) and she left with a new perspective as well (don't know if she still hates the teaching or not).  And I told her I was going to blog about the phrase and our discussion.

I do believe that when we hang out for negative behavior we teach people that it is ok to treat us poorly.  And when we appreciate the people in our lives who treat us with love and respect when we pay tribute to them and honor them, they continue to treat us well.  That is the basis of the phrase for me.  We can chose who we have in our lives and by honoring the ones who respect us and cutting out the globbers we can teach people that we deserve respect and require that.  

My friend showed me that, in order to practice this teaching we first have to have the belief we are worthy of respect and love. We have to have the knowledge that we can't 'change' people and we can't make someone love us or treat us well.  Frequently we enter relationships believing if we are 'good enough' or do the 'right thing' we can fix the person we are with, we can earn their love and respect.  But in true healthy relationships, we 'earn' respect and love simply by being ourselves and genuinely showing up for the other person.

I am asking you to weigh in on the debate--what do you think of the phrase: Teaching other how to treat you?  

Sitting in the Muck

As a therapist, one of the things I know helps people move through their pain, grief, and life challenges is to sit in the muck.  To sit in the uncomfortable and be ok with the anxiety, fear, sadness, anger that emerges. When we are able to sit in the uncomfortable and face the emotions that come forward we are able to move through them faster.  If we can't sit with them we tend to run from them, and they grow and grow and grow.  However, as a person I know that one of the hardest things to do is to sit in the uncomfortable. To just be present to the grief, insecurity, and anxiety that comes forward.  To be comfortable in the unknown.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of career counseling with clients.  I love career counseling, helping people discover their passion and what makes their heart sing.  However, one of the hardest things about career counseling is it requires a time when clients have to sit in the muck.  Clients have to face their insecurities, their anxiety and fears around living their dreams.  For many clients in order to figure out their dreams, they have to shut down so many negative voices and face so much anxiety around the shoulds and what-ifs' that they get frustrated and exhausted.  My job as a career counselor isn't so much helping someone figure out their career as it is helping them become less afraid to sit in the muck and be truly present with themselves, negative voices and all.

When we can sit in the uncomfortable and face the muck and sludge that comes up we can let it go.  Many of us don't even want to go there we don't want to face the underlying anxiety, fear and insecurity that faces us all.  We spend our time running from thing to thing so we can avoid looking at 'what do I really want out of my life'.  Because we are afraid of the answer, afraid we won't be enough, afraid we won't succeed, afraid the negative voices are accurate.  Whatever we are afraid of we need to sit with it for awhile until it loses some of its sting and we can move through to live our dreams.  Until we face the muck we will continue to run, never really paying attention to our heart's desires.  The key is not to sit in the muck all at the same time, but to allow ourselves a little bit at a time.  As we face our fears they become less scary. Give yourself time and space to sit in the muck.

Today ask yourself the question, what do I truly want out of my life?  And if that is too big ask yourself what do I truly want out of the next year?  the next month? or even just today?  Then pay attention to what comes up, welcome it and sit with it.

Paying Tribute

Last week I took my mom to a fundraiser for a local Women's organization that helps empower women and girls to become stronger.  One of the components of the fund raiser was that every person who bought tickets had the opportunity to do a tribute to a person who impacted their lives in a positive way.  I had submitted a tribute for my mom because she inspires me with her strength, wisdom and courage.  She has helped shape me into the woman I have become. The organization published all of these tributes in a giant booklet that they gave to each of the attendees. It was a wonderful idea. I spent some of my afternoon reading the tributes and they were extremely touching and inspiring.

It got me thinking about how rarely we truly tell someone how much they mean to us. We rarely pay tribute to the people in our lives who influence, inspire, love, support and even challenge us to be better. We miss these opportunities for a thousand reasons.  Maybe we just don't think about it, or we are too proud to say the words out loud or we just don't have time.

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about a speech I heard when I was in high school (over 20 years ago).  The presenter, David Austin Sky, talked about the definition of true intimacy.  That definition has come to play out in my own life and I have been thinking of David frequently over the past few weeks.  Ironically, he happens to live in my neighborhood and frequently walks past my house. I had seen him a few times in my neighborhood and debated stopping him to tell him the story and to thank him but talked myself out of it because I felt silly and embarrassed.  However, yesterday as I was opening my window shades to start my day I saw David walking past my house and before I could talk myself out of it, I ran out to the curb to catch him (pajamas and all).  I told him the story of how I remembered his speech and the influence it had on me. He was blown away and very appreciative that I had taken the time  to share how he had touched my life.  I didn't feel silly or embarrassed, I felt empowered and joyful, that I had shared my true feelings and appreciation for someone that inspired me over 20 years ago.

I love those stories, for him he was giving a presentation that he had given 100s of times, to an audience of 100 teenagers and here it is 20 years later and I am sharing how that story stuck with me and shaped me.  It is amazing when we think of how we can touch people without even realizing it.

Today I want you to think about who is someone who has inspired you to be a better person--a friend, a parent, a child, a teacher.  Someone who has touched your life in a meaningful way, it can be over the long haul as my mom has inspired me or a moment in time as David did.  Regardless,  think about this person, and pay them a tribute.  It can be in the comments section of my blog, a letter you write to them, a text message, phone call, e-mail or telling them the next time you see them.  Share your love and appreciation to this person.  Please, share how they changed your life and inspired you to be a better person.  I swear it will help you live happier.

Loosening Our Grip

I have been getting a lot of messages lately either through songs I have been listening too, conversations I have had or stories I have been told about the dangers of holding on too tightly.  It is a tough lesson and I thought maybe the universe was telling me I needed to look at it a little closer.

I admit I am a control freak. I like to know what is going on, when it is going to happen, and if I can how it will take place.  Lately, I have been re-learning the lesson that really much of my life is out of my control.  Yes, I try to pretend that I am in control, I try to delude myself in to thinking that I am the master of my fate.  And then the universe reminds me that there are many, many things I can't control: other people, our health, bad news, good fortune, bad luck, timing, etc.  I can try to have a grip on my day, week or life but in reality the harder I grasp on to control the more challenging and difficult life becomes.

A great example for me that I have noticed a lot recently is my need to rush from thing to thing. My need to control my schedule to the minute. Yes, there are places I need to be and client appointments I need to make but many of my 'deadlines' and 'timelines' are self made.  And as I scramble to make sure I make it through the grocery store in record time so I can eat my lunch at the predetermined time I realize I am rushing for no reason.  Much of my life I try to control for no reason other than the desire to control. Lately I have been loosening my grip (or at least trying to). Some of this loosening is due to my surgery last week and being forced to relax some and some of it is due to the repeated awareness of how tightly I am gripping my day to day life for no reason.  You know what?  The world doesn't collapse if I get off schedule, if I don't get everything on my to do list done, if I spend more time talking with my best friend and therefore don't get my garden weeded.  So when I catch myself tied up in knots because I am trying to control every aspect of my life I realize life is bigger than my having control.  I literally take a breath and take the proverbial weight of the world off my shoulders and life becomes happier.  

Another area where our grip gets tight is in relationships.  The need to control someone else is deadly to a relationship.  Rather than respecting someone where they are and allowing them to be themselves we try to make them into who we think they should be or who would best serve our needs.  The relationships I see that are the most toxic are the ones in which one partner has a death grip on the other.  When we try to control, manipulate, pigeon hole or suffocate our friends/partners we are doing a disservice to ourselves and those we love.  The best relationships I know are the ones where we loosen our grip so much that we give each other the ability to fly and we both choose to always return home. 

Where do you need to loosen your grip? 

Defining Success

How much of your life are you living for other people?  That has been a theme in my office over the past few weeks.  I keep hearing the same messages "I should be at this point", "By the time I reached this age I thought I would be at a different point", "My parents always told me I should be a _____", "I really want to stay home and take care of the kids and financially we can handle it but I should be working".

All of these outsiders telling us what to do and where we should be.  Offering some sort of invisible measuring stick of success.  Bottom line, at the end of the of our lives the biggest way we can be a success is to live a life that is hits our values and makes us feel whole and complete.  Too frequently we get caught up in the invisible measuring stick or living our life for other people.  We don't even think about what WE want or value or need.  Here's news, there is no invisible measuring stick of success.  Success is defined by each individual.  Only YOU can identify what success will be measured by in your lifetime. Is it how much money you make, how well adjusted your children are, how many countries you visit, or how many moments that left you breathless?  Recently, I have taken an informal pool asking people what defines success at the end of their lives, and they all have a different answer.  Rarely is the response, how much money they make or how successful they are.  Most answers involve laughter, joy, passion, and relationships.

But still we get stuck on being successful and measuring up to the invisible measuring stick.  So I am curious, how do you define success?  What makes your life successful?  What is your measuring stick consist of?  And most importantly if I could be a fly on the wall of your life using your measuring stick would I define you as successful?  Or have you gotten caught up in measuring yourself by someone else's stick?

Asking for Help

Sorry I have been out of touch.  Friday afternoon I had surgery and have been spending my days recovering on the couch.  Today I am finally feeling like myself.  Lying on the couch gave me lots of time to think, mostly about what a terrible patient I am.  The hardest part of the past 5 days wasn't the pain or discomfort.  It wasn't the surgery or the recovery.  The hardest part was asking for help.  I pride myself on being super independent on being able to take care of myself.  However, Friday evening coming home from the surgery center I needed someone, I needed my nearest and dearest to make me dinner, get me ready for bed and care for me.  Even Sunday morning as I headed down my walk to take my dog Mocha for a potty break I KNEW I was to sore and tired to be satisfy Mocha's walking needs.  I knew I would need to call my brother and have him and my niece and ask for help.  I just couldn't swallow my pride and ask for help (not until I got half way down the block and truly admitted to myself what a bad idea it was and called my brother)

So I learned a couple of things over the past 5 days of recovery.
1.  I am more stubborn then I thought--which is saying something because I always thought I was pretty stubborn!  
2. It is ok to ask for help.  People actually LIKE helping you once they get use to the fact you are asking.
3.  You have to teach people how to help you.  Meaning, I had to actually ASK for what I needed unfortunately that damn mind reading thing hasn't kicked in yet with my family and friends.  This was a tough lesson for me, because I am so independent people weren't use to me asking for help.  They didn't know what I needed or how to help me.  I had to
4. Most importantly I realized by swooping in to take care of everything, by attempting to not 'need' anyone and be uber independent I am missing out on the love and kindness that comes when people give to you.  I am missing out on the feeling of safety and security as my family and friends called to check on me, stopped by with hugs and food or just held my hand as I cried for no reason.   I was reminded that it is ok to need people, actually it makes life more enjoyable to know you have people you can count on and want to give to you when you let them.

I admit none of these were NEW lessons for me, they were all repeats of things I have shared here.  But I wanted to re-share them because I am sure I am not alone in my 'I am woman, hear me roar stance'. And to be honest, I really like that part of me.   I also like the feeling of knowing I have a support team out there ready to rally when I need them, all I have to do is ask.  This weekend I lived happier because of them.

Rituals: Celebrating the Monumental and the Mundane

I am a big fan of rituals.  When I am able to engage in my daily rituals I am a happier person.  When I have/take the time to eat my bowl of cereal and read the paper, drink my coffee and read my favorite blogs and then take Mocha for a walk, I feel better.  I love the rituals I have with my friends, ways we say good-bye or traditions we have when we get together.  I love my family rituals, especially the rituals we have around Christmas.  Rituals give us a sense of tradition and closeness.  They allow us  to pause and savor the moment. Whether they be 'coffee time' every morning or lighting the candles at dinner, rituals give us a moment to breathe and take notice.  Friends of mine have a ritual of eating together as a family and then the two of them with their 3 little ones go around the table and share what they are happy about on that particular day.  Such a wonderful ritual of pause, connection,  peace and gratitude.

Rituals don't have to be something we repeat.  Rituals also help us process change and transition. It is why we have weddings, blessings, funerals and baptisms.  Rituals give us a pause to acknowledge a change, loss, or gift.  These change events don't need to be giant or monumental.  Sometimes we might need to have a ritual around something that just feels giant to us like a break-up of an important relationship, loss of a job, moving from a house or making a big decision.  These rituals can be as small as writing a letter and burning it, lighting a candle,  or closing a door and saying a blessing. The rituals that help us heal don't have to be giant ceremonial rituals, they can take place on a much smaller level.

Over the past few weeks I have made a pretty major decision about my future.  This decision deals with my health, my relationships, my lifestyle, and my future.  All and all it has felt pretty monumental in my world.  I feel great about this decision and know it is the right one for me, however it still has left me feeling a little sad because in choosing one option I lose another.  So I decided to design my own ritual around it.  It was a short simple ritual that I performed alone in my back yard.  I admit at first, I felt pretty silly, but once I had completed the ritual I felt like a weight had been lifted.  The ritual gave me the chance to pause and honor the difficulty of the choice.  It simultaneously allowed me to honor the part of me that was sad about the decision and the part of me that was celebrating.

 That is the beauty of rituals, they allow us to hold both.  During the ritual of a funeral we are celebrating a person's life and grieving over the loss of them in our day to day lives.  At a wedding we are celebrating the gaining of a partner and acknowledging the loss of our single life.   I believe we need more of these little individual rituals that just allow us to pause and honor the transitions, decisions and changes that happen in our lives.  Repetitive rituals allow us to savor and pause the miracle of every day life.  While unique special rituals allow us to savor and pause the blessing and challenges of change and transitions.

What are some of your favorite rituals?  Do you think rituals are a necessary part of life?  Have you ever performed or participated in  a non-traditional/unorthodox ritual?

Picking More Daisies

This morning while brushing my teeth I happened to glance up at my wall and see a print that I have hanging there.  It always amazes me because this print hangs there all the time, day after day and only occasionally do I read it. When I do I am always amazed at it's wisdom and it is as if I have read it for the first time. 

 It was written by Nadine Stair.  This quote was her reply at 85 years old, when she was asked what she would do if she had her life to live over again.

If I Had My Life to Live Over I Would Pick More Daisies. 

"I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been on this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, and a raincoat. If I had to do it over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds and I would pick more daisies." 

Today I needed to look up and see this quote.  I needed to be reminded that life is one big adventure and ride.  I confess I have gotten bogged down in the muck and mire of life.  I have been taking my life and myself too seriously lately and haven't stopped to pick the daisies.  So looking up and reading this print, toothbrush in my mouth, was a gift this morning. A bit of a reminder to let go and relax, to embrace all the moments that make up my day rather than living for the deadlines and the what ifs.  We all need these reminders from time and I wanted to share it with you. 

Yes, there are times for being sensible and plan, but we don't want to miss out on the ride because we are doing so much planning.  We don't want to miss out on the silly joys and giant belly laughs of our lives because we have our heads down and our blinders on trying to be responsible and sensible.

So how would you answer that question, if you had to live your life over again what would you do differently?  And then let's start doing it!  Because life isn't over and fortunately we get the chance to start fresh every day. 

Here's to picking more daisies!!

Allowing Room for Dreams

Ever since high school I have been in love with this quote:

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them".  --Thoreau

It is amazing to me how one line can be so inspiring and depressing at the same time.  Depressing, because it rings true we all know people (maybe even ourselves) who have gotten stuck on the treadmill of life, quietly going along, doing as we are told without much thought to the possibilities that lie out there.   In my mind life is full of possibilities, it is a blank canvas upon which we can write whatever we want.  Yes, we may have responsibilities of mortgages, kids, partners and so we might have to work around them.  We might not be able to drop all worldly possessions and hike up Kilimanjaro with our dog, 2 cats and 3 kids.  However, we can start taking about that dream, putting the 'crazy' dreams on the table and speaking them out loud so they aren't so scary.  

I admit it is not natural for me to dream just for the sake of dreaming. I tend to want to get practical and figure out what steps we need to take to accomplish the dream. However, I am realizing that for many of us just the act of dreaming is scary. Just the act of saying I want to write,  live off the grid, climb a mountain is scary and unless we can dream we won't know what makes our heart sing.  

Fortunately I have friends who have taught me the power of dreaming.  They spend hours talking about their dreams and the plans they have for their lives.  Yes, the dreams may be impractical or challenging to achieve.  During the discussions, anything is possible there is great room for freedom, creativity, imagination, nothing is off limits or too crazy.  Because they are in total acceptance of their dreams they can then start taking steps to achieve them.  

There isn't the negativity around dreaming, there isn't the message of you need to be practical.  What they have taught me is that we first need to have the space, the expanse to just dream.  We first need to allow ourselves to be as impractical, imaginative, creative and dreamy as possible.  THEN we can later worry about the is this practical part?  How might we accomplish this?  What might we do to get here?  But first step is to dream and dream big.  Because if we don't dream, we have no idea what might allow our heart to sing and how we can best express that. These friends have created not only a culture of dreaming but of dream acceptance.  In our society as a whole we don't encourage dreaming, we encourage practicality.  So I say we start encouraging both--dream, dream big first figure out what makes your heart sing.  THEN once you are all dreamed out start adding steps to achieve it.  

Ask yourself today what are my dreams?  Then ask those close to you and listen with rapt attention.  I believe the biggest gift we can give to someone (including ourselves) is to love and support our dreams!! Dream big and live happier!

Showing Up to the Pain and Grief of Others

It has been a tough few days.  It feels as if everyone around me is dealing with/has received bad news.  Not just bad news, life altering news.  In these moments, it is hard to put out the challenge to live happier because in these moments we are just surviving.  We are just putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. Pain, grief, tragedy, are all a part of life, but that certainly doesn't mean they are easy to deal with.  These moments require us to dig deeper and keep trucking along.   They also require a period of denial, numbness to allow your brain and emotions to catch up with the reality of the situation. I believe that denial and numbness is the body's way of protecting us from going into shock.  The number of tragedies that occur if we really faced them head on we would all go through a mental break down.

So in the past few days I have been thinking a lot about being there for friends/family who are going through challenging times.  What do we say or do?  We all feel a need to say something. We all have been told the trite annoying platitudes of 'God, doesn't give us more than we can handle' or 'When a door closes a window opens'. These are lovely sayings, and might even be true, but they aren't helpful to someone who has just lost a loved one, or going through a divorce.  They are pithy and dismissive and in time might bring comfort but in the moment of the pain they are more for our comfort to have something to say then providing comfort for our loved one in pain.  I know for me when I have dealt with a tragedy or been in pain it is the people who have just sat with me, who were present with me, and who even admitted" I don't know what to say or do but I am here".  Ah, that wonderful admitting of humanity, is so healing.

I can remember a few years ago, my dad had been admitted into the ICU after nearly dying in the ER.  I had asked my now nearest and dearest to come over because I didn't want to be alone. I didn't know what I wanted or needed but I knew I didn't want to be by myself.  At the time he and I were just friends.  When he arrived he insisted that I eat something I wasn't very hungry but finally decided on a spinach salad (odd choice I know).  As I was talking on the phone with my mom making plans for the next day, I looked up to see him in the kitchen breaking off the stems of each individual spinach leaf, and my heart just melted.  When I asked him what he was doing he said he hated the stems and he thought I might too, and he wanted to make it as yummy as possible.  I know that at the time he had no idea how to comfort me, what to say and the breaking of the spinach stems was probably more to give him something to do while I cried on the phone with my mom then to make my salad better.  But it showed his humanity, his wanting to try to help me and to be present, he just didn't know how to do it. That right there was a comfort to me, knowing someone cared to be present to deal with me when I didn't know how to deal with myself.

As our loved ones, move through the dark periods in life, it is my belief that when we regularly show up, hold the space (even if it is silence) and show our humanity we are the most helpful to those in pain.  We need to fight the urge to soothe with words (and it is a STRONG urge) and sayings.  We need to remind ourselves that there is no perfect answer or words to heal the pain.  Pain takes time and the best way to help is to be ourselves, be present to the fact that grief and sadness take time and admit our humanity as we try to help.  What do you think?  What has helped you in moving through grief/sadness?

Celebrating Our Small Successes

I am a big fan of celebrations.  We do a good job in our culture of celebrating the big things weddings, graduations, and births.  Many of us do a good job of celebrating other people's success a new job, a promotion, or a new house.  In my opinion, we don't do a good job of celebrating our own little successes.  It might sound silly, but we don't celebrate the days when we don't feel like getting out of bed and not only do we rise from the warm comfy covers we also manage to make breakfast for the kids and put a smile on our face while doing it.  We don't celebrate the days when we really kick butt in a staff meeting and come up with an ingenious idea. Or the days when we are really present for a friend and know just the right thing to say in their time of need. Or even making the phone call you are totally dreading and finally getting the nerve to just do it.  Nope, we let these things just float right on by with minimal acknowledgment.  I bet we can easily share what we haven't done right this week.  We can whip out the hammer on demand, or without even knowing it.  But the little celebrations the small victories we totally miss.  So today and over the weekend I want us to start paying attention to our little victories and then as an inspiration please share them in the comments section.  I will start with my victory:

For my regular readers, you know I have been learning how to swim.  It hasn't been easy, but I have added swimming to my weekly workout and even taking lessons.  As with most things I am amazed at how something can look so easy and have such a depth and complexity to it.  Among other things, I have been working on my endurance.  My swim instructor gave me a work out to do a few months ago the one thing I hadn't been able to do on said work out was to do 3x150's.  For those of you who don't know swimming, that means swimming 150 meters (6 lengths of the pool) resting and then repeating two more times.   It's hard for me and it is something I haven't been able to do both physically and mentally.  Lately it has been mostly mental just telling myself I can't do it and then freaking out half way through.  So this week after a little encouragement from my swim instructor I decided to try it again.  And I DID IT!!  I TOTALLY KICKED BUTT!  I did it and I wasn't tired, I wasn't exhausted, I didn't psych myself out I just swam 6 lengths, 3 laps 3 times!!  And when I finished I celebrated!!!  I breathlessly shared it with my swim instructor who also celebrated with me. And then I shared it with everyone I knew (most who didn't really get it but were excited for me anyway).

The point is these days we so rarely have things to celebrate we get bogged down in chores, work, and life that we miss the chance to celebrate our wins.  I admit I felt a little silly sharing such a small thing (or what I thought might be small to other people) and then I reminded myself I hard I have worked for this, how much I wanted it, so yes swimming 3 laps 3 times might be pithy in comparison to winning the noble prize of changing someone's life.  But for me it was a victory and one that I wanted to celebrate.  Because the more we celebrate the little victories the more energy and enthusiasm we will have to tackle the big ones!!

What have been your little (or big) victories of the past few weeks?!?  Please share below so we can all celebrate and see how magical these success can be!

Witty Banter: Helpful or Hurtful?

After yesterday's post on Be Kind, I was talking with a friend of mine about the line between joking and hurting.   I am someone who loves to banter, I enjoy joking around, being playful, using the occasional sarcasm. One of my favorite parts about my close relationships is the joking around, having inside jokes and playful reminders that it is good to laugh at myself.  Bantering reminds me not to take myself too seriously.  Whenever any of the people close to me joke with me there is an undercurrent, of love, of really 'knowing' me, and supporting me through my inconsistencies and humanity.  There is a fine line between bantering with someone and putting them down in the form of a joke.  A friend of mine calls it 'kidding on the level' when someone says something and laughs as if they were joking but there is a level of seriousness underneath.

When the undercurrent of our playfulness with someone is to cause pain, vent anger, 'get them back', or hurt them on any level we need to re-evaluate.  That is not being kind.  I believe, sometimes we use 'humor' as a way of expressing our hurt or frustration with someone.  What we might think as being playful is really down right stinging.  Unfortunately, I think it has become a way of life for many couples, families, relationships in our culture.  Rather then having REAL conversations about REAL subjects (thoughts, feelings, needs) we use sarcasm as a way to express or frustrations, vent our anger or just punish them.  We are moving at record speed these days and often times our feelings get pushed aside because of bad timing and/or rushed schedules. It is important to remember that our words have power and we need to pay attention to the messages underneath.

So in the theme of Be Kind, I want us to start building awareness around our 'witty banter'.  The next time you are joking around with someone pay attention to how you are feeling, is it bringing up feelings of joy and laughter, a 'knowing' of how close you are or is it feeling hostile and resentful?  If it is more on the hostile side, maybe it is time to have a discussion about what might be going on underneath.  If you are feeling resentment towards that person maybe it is time to have some curiosity around the source of that resentment.  What might you REALLY be joking about?

If your banter brings you feelings of joy and closeness--then rock on!  Enjoy that relationship and treasure it.  Those relationships are a special gift to our lives and we need to bless each and every one of them!!

Be Kind

Today I am going to start a movement.  It is a movement of two words;  Be Kind.  Kindness is a lost art.  Just being kind. Being gentle, supportive, understanding, kind.  I recognize in today's world of recessions, mine explosions, war, and uncertainty there is a lot of frustration, exhaustion, anxiety and panic.  But in my opinion, kindness is not hard.  Kindness is something we can muster even if we have had a bad day, a bad year, a bad decade.  Even if we are unemployed, sick with grief, feeling ill, and living alone, we can still be kind.  So today I ask you to pay attention to how you interact with those around you. The people you don't really know: The driver who cuts you off, the woman walking her dog, the guy in line ahead of you at the grocery store. And the people you do know, your nearest and dearest, your children, your parents, your friends.  Pay attention to how you think about these people, is it with disdain, fear, joy, kindness?  Are you able to be kind to them?  Would they say you are kind to them?

When I look at the world it could use a little more kindness.  Sometimes as we get so wrapped up in our 'to dos', our one-upping and our litany of stuff that honestly doesn't really matter, we forget the power of a little kindness.  The power of a smile or a hello, an inside joke, a quick hug, a knowing laugh.  Helping your partner pick up the toy room at the end of the day, telling your child how wonderful they are and how much they mean to you, greeting your neighbors with more than a cursory nod.

Today I challenge you to simply be kind.  Let's start a Kindness Movement.

Room to be Human

The other morning my nearest and dearest and I were chatting for my dog.  You know, how you give your dog a voice, and have a full on conversation with them putting in what you assume they would be thinking.  After we both cracked ourselves up with our witty conversation tactic (and I am sure Mocha too, although she just couldn't express it). We started talking about dogs and children and how we are so much more likely to give them a break using the excuse--well he can't do that he's just a dog or she wouldn't understand that she's just a child.  But with adults we don't cut each other that slack.  We assume we all can read each other's minds, get every emotion dead on and just generally be perfect.  We don't give each other the depth and freedom to just be human.  I have talked about his before a few times in Loving Them Anyway.  But for me this was a refreshingly different way of looking at that topic.

You might argue, that dogs and children DON'T know better. Let's face it they are simpler beings.  I would agree--they are less in touch then we are as adults.  However being an adult doesn't mean you are suddenly blessed with the ability to know all, to understand exactly what your partner or friends need at exactly the right time.  Being an adult doesn't mean even if we understand then need that we can fulfill them for someone all the time.

Sadly, the difference between being an adult and being a child/animal is the innocence factor.  In general, adults have more power to hurt us, to break our trust or take advantage of us.  While animals and children full us with unconditional love and innocence, adults have learned the pain and vulnerability that comes from being hurt or damaged.  With adults, there is a 'fear factor'.   I believe the reason we struggle with giving other adults a break is not because they should know better but because they have the potential to hurt us more. We believe children, and animals are innocent and loving unconditionally.  We don't feel they will hurt us or intentionally take advantage of us.  But with adults, we feel we might get taken advantage of, we can't fully trust their intentions, because they might hurt us.  Therefore, we don't give them a break, we don't give them the breadth to be themselves, to be human.

I believe that frequently when we don't give someone a break or allow them to mess up without a major punishment it is because of our own fear of hurt.   I admit while I might scold Mocha for doing something wrong, I don't hold a grudge. I don't punish her all day or for the next week (honestly I have trouble punishing her for a minute).  But with an adult, I might be more likely to 'punish' the 'negative behavior'.  Because I am afraid, afraid that I will get hurt, look stupid, be a push over, be taken advantage of, etc.

So the next time you are disappointed in someone or frustrated by someone take a closer look to see where that frustration comes from.   Are you punishing them unnecessarily? Are you holding a grudge to protect yourself from the vulnerability or risk of intimacy?  Could you spin the story to be maybe they didn't know better, maybe they are doing the best they can, maybe I can give them room to be human?

Living Happier Is....

In looking through my recent posts I noticed, lately I have written a lot of posts on pausing and savoring the moment. One of my challenges with writing this blog is that I fear I am sending more 'you aren't enough' messages out into the world.  So today for my own clarification I wanted to do one more post on the power of recognizing we are enough.

On my wall in my bedroom I have 2 posters both from Oriah Mountain Dreamer.  One is entitled The Dance and the other is entitled The Invitation.  Today as I was getting ready I took a pause to read them. I have probably read these 100 times and every time they take my breath away.    I wanted to share the lines I find most humbling and powerful.

What if there is no need to change, to transform yourself into someone who is more compassionate, more present, more loving or wise?  How would this affect all the places in your life where you are endlessly trying to be better? 


What if the task is simply to unfold, to become who you already are in your essential nature--gentle, compassionate, and capable of living fully and passionately present? 


What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?

Prelude to the Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

These words remind me, I am enough. I can step off the ferris wheel and pause.   In order to live happier we have to embrace who we are and where we are.  The concept of living happier is not that 'one day' when I figure it all out I will be happier.  One day when the house is consistently clean, when I  am better at time management, when I am 15lbs skinnier, THEN I will be happy.

It is my belief that in order to live happier we need to let go of the striving to be better/different/more.  We need to learn how to be with ourselves, with other people in the sorrows and joys of life.  Here's to Living Happier!!

A Spin Free Day

Today I have declared it a spin free day.  Spinning.  You know the concept, when your brain just gets a hold of something and you can't let it go.  It is curiosity gone amuck.  As a mentor of mine use to call it (pardon the bluntness) it is  'mental masturbation'.  That phrase really says it best because the concept of spinning, in a way, feels good. It is a mindless activity that allows us to THINK we are making change, getting to the root of the issue, making a difference. Really all we are doing is spinning our wheels, going round and round on a subject and getting no where. Spinning is when you can spend hours or even all day on one conversation, one comment, one event and just beat it to death.

I am an over analyzer and spinning is something I engage in when I get overwhelmed and overly anxious.  It is my go to place when I need to take a break.  When my spinning gets out of control and I become aware that I am getting no where fast  I declare it a spin free day.  Today is that day.  I admit I have spent the past few days just spinning, just analyzing and debating and riding the ferris wheel in my brain, making new progress

We all do this (those of us attracted to the self-help industry, tend to do it more than your average bear) but we all engage in some activity of spinning.  For those of us who have read a lot of self help books we know the beauty of curiosity and awareness. We know that true change comes from awareness and self questioning.  But there is a fine line between self questioning and analyzing just to be analyzing.  Sometimes we just need to BE, sometimes there is no answer, there is no deep rooted meaning behind our feelings they are just feelings.  Sometimes we just need to allow whatever comes up to come up without digging deeper.  For those of us who analyze without even thinking about it, this can be challenging.  Thus why I have declared today a spin free day!  Today we are just going to BE.  We are going to Enjoy the Pause.

Don't get me wrong--I think analyzing is helpful and a key to living happier.  And I think we need a balance, from time to time, we need to let go and live our lives without looking for a deeper need, or meaning.  So if you too have noticed you have gotten a little heavy on the self-analyzation. Join me on my No Spin Day and let me know how it feels!

Checking for Weeds

I am so excited that springtime is finally here!!  I MIGHT be a little premature-we might get another snow (I certainly hope not) but the trees are blooming, the grass is growing and people are filling the parks and sidewalks.  My yard is filled with a variety of blooming grasses, flowers and of course those pesky weeds.  I am amazed how fast the weeds grow and each year I forget how determined they are to make a stand in my flower beds. Even though I try to monitor my garden regularly for weeds it feels like they grow at record speeds. 

In the same way, I was thinking how easy it is for weeds to make there way into our lives.  These 'life weeds' include draining relationships, negative friendships, unhealthy patterns/habits, and old thoughts.  Life weeds are activities or people that no longer serve us and if we are not vigilante and aware, they can creep back into our lives like a dandelion in the middle of a flower garden. 

I am constantly amazed how easy it is for these weeds to occur! It is always helpful to have an awareness around how we act/re-act when our life garden gets choked up with weeds. Maybe our go-to pattern is to start eating too much or drinking too much when we feel overwhelmed by life.  Or maybe we withdraw or go on the attack more when our life is filling up with weeds.  When we have these behavior markers and reminders we can look at our 'acting out' as a blessing that maybe it is our bodies way of telling us we need to do some weeding.

It is necessary to keep looking at our lives and see if we need to do some weeding.  Do we need to pluck out some people that sap our energy with their drama (globbers) or remove an activity that we might have found rewarding at one point but now is just draining? 

We need to do some regular weeding to make sure our lives are filled with people, activites and events that feed us. So when we look at our life garden it is filled with vibrant color and not weeds!  Regular weeding is a part of living happier. 

The Power of the Should.

Should.  It is such a powerful word.  The statement 'don't should all over yourself' is one that is pervasive in the self-help/therapy community. Yet these shoulds come out all the time.  I should clean the house, I should be playing with my daughter, I shouldn't watch TV, I shouldn't eat this pizza, I should be a better listener, I should be more social, I should be less social, I should work out more and on and on and on.  Ad infinitum, these shoulds invade our psyche.

The problem with shoulds,  is they disguise themselves as helpful, when in reality they are merely forcing us to do something outside of ourselves. They are forcing us to be externally controlled.  Usually the voice of the should is from someone we know from our past, a parent, a teacher a personal trainer, or a therapist. It is rare that the voice of a should is our own. Also, these shoulds tend to snowball.  From one should, "I should workout", comes a giant slalom of hammering that ends up with me being the world's unhealthiest women, who is homebound and miserable.

So the secret is to break down the should.  First step is to start bringing awareness to how much you say the word should.  For me, it tends to break into my psyche more when I am feeling tired, insecure, and disconnected from myself.  In short, the shoulds come out to play when I am running on auto-pilot.  When I catch myself acting out a should, I notice I am half-hearted, not as engaged in the activity because I am doing it out of an external control. When I engage in a should activity, I usually end up feeling resentful and bitter.  So if we can catch ourselves in a should before it starts snowballing we can start to develop other ideas for how to handle the should.

For example, you are busy with a deadline at work and you realize it is your night to make dinner.  You tell yourself you SHOULD go home and make a healthy dinner but really you want to pick up pizza and call it a night.  Maybe it would be the 3rd night in a row that your family has eaten take out so they really SHOULD have a healthy meal, after all your mom cooked you a healthy meal every night of the week, that's what you get for working from home, you are such a bad mom and now we are off to the races, hammer, hammer, hammer.  All from one little should, one little meal that you are too tired to cook and suddenly you are the worlds worst human being.  First off be aware you are shoulding--you know what you SHOULD do but what do you want to do,  you want to order pizza, but your kids deserve a healthy meal.  So you start thinking of compromises; you can get a pizza and make a healthy vegetable to go with it, you can pick up take out that is healthier than pizza, you can leave work early and cook a good dinner because in reality it would be nice to cook a meal for a change and you have a new recipe, you can just order the pizza and recognize that tomorrow is another day and maybe your kids didn't get the healthiest meal today but tomorrow you will pack them a healthy lunch.

In my mind there are three negatives to SHOULDs:
1. They put us in black and white thinking and remove any alternatives.
2. They force us to be controlled by something outside of ourselves.
3. They snowball and can become evil tools for us to hammer ourselves.

So, the next time you catch yourself 'shoulding':
1. Remind yourself that it is coming from something external.
2. Give yourself some options around the should.
3. Ground yourself and decide which option makes the most sense for your current circumstances.
4. Let it go. (I admit this one is the hardest part.) But the more you practice it the happier you will be.

Giving Yourself the Pause.

This weekend I was able to spend hear one of my favorite speakers, Tara Brach--she wrote the book entitled Radical Acceptance one of my favorite books of all time.

Something you hear me talk a lot about is awareness.  I believe awareness is the key to living happier.  We need to be aware of our feelings, thoughts, needs, values, what we like or don't like, how we want to spend our time etc.  Without awareness, there can be no growth, no change.  I also believe that from our awareness there needs to come curiosity--a desire to dig deeper about ourselves and figure out what's happening beneath our feelings and needs.  However, the step I forget about, especially personally, and the one I think is most needed is the step between awareness and curiosity.  This step involves allowing what is happening now. Having a pause between awareness and curiosity and giving ourselves space to allow the emotion, thought or need.  To sit in non-judgement of it, to just allow it to be.  It doesn't mean you have to like it or feel comfortable but give that thought, emotion, need a chance to come up and be acknowledged.

It was a refreshing reminder for me of the power of that pause, that space to allow myself to feel and be whatever it is I am aware of.  In her book and in her presentation Tara told a wonderful story about a psychologist who had Alzheimer's.  He had come to a conference with his wife, to present on his latest study.  As he stood before the audience he realized he couldn't remember what he had come there to say.  He stood there utterly perplexed as to why he was in front of the audience and what his speech was about.  Can you imagine the terror, the sheer panic that must have been running through his veins?  But rather than panic he started naming everything he was aware of 'I am afraid', and then he would bow his head, 'people are staring', bow his head, 'my heart is racing', bow his head.  He did this over and over and when he finished the speech people came up to him and said how they had never seen someone teach them awareness/presence and meditation like that before. He was able to be present to the flood of emotions, thoughts and needs he was experiencing.

As a therapist, I admit I am constantly looking for meaning, trying to analyze and figure out WHY I am feeling a certain way or what is going on underneath.  Sometimes the power just comes in the allowing, in the surrender to what we are aware of and it doesn't need to go any deeper than that.  When I practice this surrender it is like a huge exhale occurs, an opening up of my heart and my body.  I am able to give myself a break and just allow myself to be present in love and kindness to myself.

So today pay attention to the awarenesses you have and then bless them. Whether through a silent or verbal 'yes' or 'I consent' or physically bowing or touching your heart (my personal favorite).  Allow yourself to be present to whatever comes up.  THEN if it is necessary dig a little deeper and have some curiosity.