Unconditional Love vs Loving Without Boundaries

Last week, I gave a talk to a local group on communication and conflict.  If you are a regular reader, you know one of my biggest beliefs is that what we all crave is a little validation and unconditional love.  Especially when we are dealing with conflict, we need to have the ability to hear people's stories and understand their perspective.

One of the women at the presentation came up to me afterwards.  She had the belief that if you unconditionally love someone they will take advantage of you or not perform their best.  She told me the story of her adult son who was struggling to get his life going and had made some bad decisions.  She felt one of the reasons he was struggling was because she had loved him too much. As we talked more, I began to realize there is a difference between unconditional love and love with no personal boundaries.  Unconditional love is the concept of I know you are doing the best you can with what you have, it is being present to someone in need and holding the space.  Love with no boundaries means I allow you to take advantage of me, to hurt me, to belittle me in the name of love.  In the brief conversation with this woman, it became clear that her son was taking advantage of her generosity and her kindness.  It also became clear that what she thought was unconditional love (financial support and helpful guidance) was laced with criticism and judgment.

It is my belief when we unconditionally love someone when we allow them to be all that they are failures and strengths, personality glitches and generosities, people soar to meet our expectations.  Unconditional love is such a rare and wonderful gift.  We all want to be loved just for being who we are.  When someone gives us that gift we want to strive to be the best person possible.  However, to unconditionally love someone doesn't mean I need to accept someone's rude behavior, or put up with someone's disrespect and lying.  I can unconditionally love someone and have strong boundaries that don't allow that behavior in my presence.

Unconditional love means I see in you all your wonderful gifts and strengths and I am going to continually point those out to you AND when you are struggling and making bad decisions I am still going to see all the wonderfulness that is you.  I am not going to judge you or criticize you AND I am going to have strong boundaries so you don't take advantage of me or hurt me because you are struggling.

As the woman walked away, she said she had never thought of love that way.  She said she realized that she was more angry at herself then her son because she didn't have good boundaries so she allowed him to take advantage.  Don't get me wrong, the son was clearly in the wrong for hurting his mother, however she also had some responsibility in allowing to happen repeatedly.

Unconditional love is not for the weak of heart. Unconditional love requires the strength to love them anyway.  It requires the strength to set personal boundaries so you can love from a distance if need be. It is not critical, belittling or manipulative it is open, full and accepting. Unconditional love allows us to see the best in other people and allows them to become their best.  Bottom line, unconditional love is a wonderful, challenging, difficult gift we can give to ourselves and those close to us.

What are your thoughts on unconditional love?  What do you struggle with around this concept?

Birthdays, Rituals and Cake

Today is my birthday.  I am a big fan of celebrating my birthday!!!   In fact, I usually throw myself a birthday party but this year I am opting for a more quiet celebration and taking a vacation with one of my nearest and dearest!

Honestly, I don't understand those people who don't want to announce or celebrate their birthdays!  I love my birthday, not just because I get to be the center of my own universe for  a day--ha!  I love my birthday because it is a day I can celebrate me!  It is a day I can look back on and celebrate the fact that I am still here, still growing, still learning, still loving life.  I am another year older and hopefully another year wiser.  Now don't misunderstand me--some birthdays can be a struggle.  I usually have a pause at the idea of growing older.  Every now and then I realize I am not 21 anymore even though most days I still feel like it.

One of the keys I think to Living Happier is having rituals or traditions.  Markers at which you celebrate or honor something.  Birthdays are one of these markers.  To me birthdays aren't necessarily about presents or fancy dinners (although those can be nice).  Birthdays are a chance to enjoy the love of family and friends, to reflect on the past and dream about the future.  Birthdays give us a chance to celebrate our lives.

I believe we should celebrate our birthdays with fun rituals/traditions whether that be a card from your mother, your favorite breakfast in bed, a bouquet of your favorite flowers or a birthday cake.   For me, it is the cake.  Hands down my favorite, have to birthday tradition is to have a cake. The picture above is a birthday cake from a few years ago. Those that know me, know I have to have a cake, preferably one that is yummy.  

Overall, my birthday traditions are pretty simple:

• Have time to reflect on the past year and the dreams of the year to come.
• Take time to soak up the joy and love from my family and friends.
• Eat lots of yummy food especially cake.
• And most importantly, all day long as I go through the day I have my own private celebrate me party.  

How do you feel about your birthday? What are your birthday traditions/rituals?  I would love to hear how you celebrate the uniqueness that is you!!

Passion and Cooking

I have become obsessed with the movie Julie and Julia--it actually was in theaters last year and was released on DVD a few months ago. The movie follows the lives of two women.   Julia Child and her struggle to get her cook book Mastering the Art of French Cooking to be published and Julie who decides to take a year to cook every recipe in Julia's book and then write a blog about it.  The movie flips back and forth between these two stories, in the 1940s-1950s and in the year 2001-2001.  I admit I enjoy the Julia Child (played by Meryl Streep) parts better.  But overall, I love the movie because it talks about passion.

The movie shows how these two women discovered their passion for both cooking and life.  I love watching them go through the joy, self doubt, passion, love, fear, self-judgement that all goes along with living passionately.  Somewhere we were taught that once we find what we are passionate about everything will just fall into place.  Finding what you are passionate about simply helps you engage in an activity you love.  Finding what your passionate about helps you live happier because you are feeding your soul with an activity that makes it soar.  Anyone who saw Julia Child cook (and I know I am dating myself here) saw her passion for cooking, her absolute joy in it.  That passion wasn't discovered until she was in her 40s, before that she was a secretary for the US Government.  Once she discovered cooking she just couldn't get enough.  She took classes, she became a teacher, she wrote a book, she appeared on TV.  All those things took years, years of self doubt, of risk of fear.  However, what she kept coming back to, was her passion for cooking.  She moved through her fear, self doubt and continually went back to what she loved.  And with the support of her husband and friends she did finally reach her goal of having a book published that made French cooking accessible to Americans.

I think passion has gotten a bad rap.  Passion has become something that we search after, something we think we need to find. Passion is thought to be this ONE thing and once we find it all will be good with our lives.  I believe, passion is not something we find, it is how we live our lives.  When we live passionately, we participate in activities that we enjoy and spend time with people who engage us.  Passion can infiltrate everything we do from playing with our kids, having coffee with a friend, to working on the computer.  Passion is a state of mind.  However, having passion doesn't prevent us from having self doubt or wondering if we are doing the right thing.  Passion allows us to live with zest and zeal and embrace all of life:  the joy, the fear, the thrill, the doubts.  Julia Child lived her life with passion, from how she engaged with her husband, to how she ate her food she was a passionate person. And she also experienced self doubt and frustration.

So today think about your day as a chance to live with passion.  How can you add more passion to your life?   Where do you get your passion?

Feeling Both: Cranky and Blessed

Back from vacation and I admit I am struggling a bit this morning.  In fact, in the interest of full disclosure it took all I had to pull myself up out of bed this morning.  Partially because I am still experiencing jet lag and partially because in all honestly I am just not looking forward to my day.  As I made my way from my nice warm bed to the bathroom my head was spinning with negativity.  I was feeling down right cranky.  Cranky at having to get up out of bed, cranky at being done with vacation and back into the routine, cranky with having a to-do list a mile long and specifically cranky about the things on my to do list today.  Not feeling down or depressed just not wanting to do anything.  Honestly, just wanting a few more days of vacation.

By the time I had come downstairs and was greeted by my dog (even that didn't pull me out of my mood) I was beating myself up for feeling cranky and for not enjoying my blessings, for not recognizing that really I have it pretty good.  I have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks and days.  But this "you SHOULD be grateful" mini-lecture didn't really help.  Instead I was now in a bad mood and feeling selfish.  As I poured my cereal and made my coffee and started my morning ritual, I thought to myself, "what if you just went with it".  Just feel what you are feeling.  Don't talk yourself out of it, don't beat yourself up just be.  So I am. And you know what I feel better.  I am not looking forward to my day, I still want to crawl back into bed but I am not swimming in a pool of self hatred and guilt. I know when I give myself space to feel my feelings I usually feel better.  When I allow myself to just feel cranky, tired, in vacation hang over mode, I feel better faster.  The problem comes in when I try to convince myself my mood is inappropriate or not valid.

The truth is we ALL have bad days.  We all have days we don't feel well, aren't looking forward to, or just wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  During these days our first reaction is to try to talk ourselves out of it, to talk ourselves into a good mood.  One of the ways we do this is by using gratitude.  We try to convince ourselves to be grateful.  Gratitude is awesome and I am a HUGE fan of being grateful.  But somehow/somewhere our moods and gratitude got connected.  I can be grateful AND tried and cranky.  Gratitude is meant to help us gain perspective, to help us relish the little things and see the beauty in the every day.  Gratitude can help us feel better and see our lives differently.  But when gratitude or lack of gratitude is used as a way to beat ourselves up it is painful and unhelpful.

Today I am having a bad day.  Today I am grateful for all my blessings for my dog, my house, my career, my family and friends.  I am grateful I am celebrating my birthday this week (more on that later) and in less than a month I get to take another vacation.   I am grateful I get to write this blog and talk about living happier.  Today I am both:  Not looking forward to my day, feeling pretty cranky and grateful that I was able to get up out of bed and feel healthy.  So I am going to hold both, I am going to allow myself to feel both blessed and cranky.  

What are your thoughts on bad days?  How do you help yourself feel better?

The Power Of Giving

I the link to this article from CNN on the power of giving from my aunt last week.  Although, it is from December and is geared toward the holiday time, I thought it would be helpful to have this reminder during January.  Giving of ourselves, our stories, our time, our resources, our gifts, allows us to see the big picture.  Giving expands our hearts, our worldview and allows us to feel and express our humanity.

Giving can be as big as traveling across the world to help those in other countries learn how to grow food, or gain an education. Or as small as giving of a smile or a helping hand to a stranger.  We have opportunities to give on a daily basis.  What is your giving story?  How has giving of yourself and your gifts enhanced your life and those around you?

Live Happier Lessons From The Mountain

Doesn't that title make me sound all buddhist like?  Really, I mean from the top of Mount Bachelor in Bend, Oregon.  I have returned from 2 days of skiing and I am very excited to report I had a wonderful, relaxing, joyful time.  I had fun with my friend, I didn't beat myself up and I greatly improved my skiing!  It was the best ski trip ever and I am know I owe a lot of it to my attitude change.

While I was on the mountain I came up with a few, pretty basic, but still powerful thoughts on living happier.

Be Present.  Wow it was breathtaking up there, sunny, blue skies, snow capped trees.  Absolutely gorgeous.  After we were done skiing we always meet on the lodge deck for a celebratory beer and a snack. I was the first to make it to the deck and as I sat looking at the mountain, watching the skiers I noticed myself getting a little antsy.  I was ready for the 'next thing'.  Then I reminded myself 'look around, you are surrounded by beauty, take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the view'.  Being a person who is usually on to the next thing, someone who deals with anxiety on a daily basis I need to actively remind myself to stay in the moment.  The beauty is when I have the awareness to catch myself and I can then re-engage.  So I sat back, drank my beer and enjoyed the view.  Today enjoy the view of your life, of your kids playing, of your comfortable home, of your back yard.  Take some time to reflect and enjoy the view.

It's not all about speed.  I am a big fan of speed, I like to go as fast as I can, get there and get it done.  That has been my M.O. with skiing, go as fast as I can (and usually stop myself by falling).  This year I actually had some control, I could adjust how fast or slow I went (did I mention I didn't fall once!!). And while I enjoyed the times when I could fly down the mountain, wind whipping my hair.  I noticed I enjoyed the times more when I could make wide strokes across the mountain and just enjoy the feel of my legs on the ski's and the snow as I pushed through it.  Frequently, we get stuck in 'getting it done' and we forget the journey.  We forget it is the process of getting there that is fun, sometimes we need some speed to get through and sometimes we can just enjoy the ride.

Laugh.  One of the things I love best about visiting my friends in Oregon is that they make me laugh.  Big long belly laughs. I love to laugh, I have one of those loud booming laughs. I love laughing so hard that I can't catch my breath.  I get to do that frequently when I am out here visiting.  But I really noticed over the past 2 days how laughter can just immediately relax me.  It was a great reminder that I wasn't trying to solve the health care crisis or negotiate world peace, I was just skiing. I was just having fun. So when my friend and I would ride up the ski life, inevitably he would make me bust out in laughter and I would immediately relax and remember where I was and my mission to have fun.  Laughter gives us a natural pause, it gives us a chance to experience some joy and relax.

Engage with others.  During most of our days we are in our groove, we talk to our friends, our co-workers our family members but we rarely chat with random strangers.  One of the things I love about vacation is how easy that is to do. Sitting at the lodge, riding the ski lift, waiting in line, I met a number of interesting people who shared a bit of their story with me for the 3 minutes we were together.  I like to hear people's stories (one reason I am a good therapist) and it was nice to have the time and the relaxed attitude to engage with other people.  Today as you move through your day, engage with others, give them a smile, a nod, ask them about their day, their lives.  Hear their stories.

As I said in the beginning, these lessons are simple and basic, but sometimes we need reminders on the little things to help us live happier.

The Messages Behind Love/Hate Relationships

As I have talked about before, I believe thought patterns and old tapes are one of the main things that prevent us from living happier.  I am constantly amazed for both myself and my clients how these thought patterns can play in our unconscious without us even knowing.  As I have said before, awareness is the key to stopping these patterns and deleting the tapes.  Without awareness we cannot discover, let alone change these endless tape machines that drone in our brains.

This week I am in Oregon, visiting some very close friends of mine and doing a little skiing.  I am actually in my ski gear as I type preparing to dash out the door and up to Mt. Bachelor.  I am a beginner skier--I only ski one or two days a year and I just started skiing 5 years ago.  I am not a terrible skier, I tend to go to fast and fall too often.  But for the most part I really like it.  I like the rush of trying something new, the thrill of going down the mountain.   I especially like the post-skiing chili and beer which I share with one of my dearest friends as we re-cap the days events.   I also hate skiing, I hate that I am not very good at it, I hate that 5 year olds can kick my butt as the zoom down the hill.  I hate that I get so nervous I feel like I am going to puke each time I start out.

So this week my friends and I were talking about my mixed emotions around skiing.  We were analyzing and bringing to awareness what it is I don't like about it. Basically what I hate about is that it triggers old patterns for me.  A few of these old tapes would be :  "You are not good at physical activity, you are out of shape and uncoordinated.  To be good at something you have to struggle--you can't have fun while learning.  Because you have to be the best."


I don't know if it is my protestant upbringing or the fact I had 2 older brothers who consistently belittled my physical prowess.  Truth is, it doesn't matter where those beliefs came from--what matters is they don't serve me anymore.  In fact, I am as I keep saying, 'in the best shape of my life" I work out 5 days a week I swim, I lift weights, I do cardio.  I am in good shape--maybe I am using different muscles to ski.  The argument that I am not good at physical activity or uncoordinated is not true.  Also, telling myself how terrible I am at skiing doesn't make it any more fun.  In fact it makes it miserable AND I am not going to get better at something that makes me so stressed.

Yesterday I started noticing my thoughts as I prepared for today's ski trip. Anytime I repeated one of my tapes I gave myself a new belief, a new thought. This morning as I write this post, drinking my coffee in full ski gear I am looking forward to skiing.  I am excited to see how I do, to just have fun, get some exercise, enjoy the company of a good friend and feel the wind as I whoosh down the mountain!

I will let you know how it goes!

Is there something you have a love/hate relationship with?  What is something you dread doing?  What messages are you telling yourself around this activity that might help you change perspective?

Loving them Anyway #2: Loving Over the Long Haul

Last week, I wrote a post on loving them anyway.  Inspired by Thich Nhat Han, and discussing how we need to be open to people's failings and love them anyway. I received a few comments from people who resonated with this post.  One that really got me thinking (which is why I love her writings because she usually does get me thinking) was by Lindsey from one of my favorite blogs A Design So Vast.  She talked about how she has struggled with the line between loving someone when they are imperfect and accepting someone's bad behavior.  I have been thinking about her comment and the concept of where is that line?  Because I too struggle with it.  Growing up with messages of avoiding co-dependency and women who love too much, I have noticed myself and some women in my practice become  hyper aware of  our own  needs and what we want our of a relationship.  We have lost the idea that relationships are about give and take.  They require some measure of vulnerability and risk.  The goal of a relationship is to show up for your partner over the long haul and be open to their needs as well as your own.  Healthy relationships involve give and take and a sense of loving someone even if they don't hit the mark all the time.  

Please hear me, I in no way want to encourage abusive or negative behavior.  Someone degrading, hitting, yelling, or belittling another human being is unacceptable behavior in any relationship.

I am talking more to those daily mess-ups or when someone just isn't quite there for us when we need them.  I feel that somewhere in the world of relationships we lost the human factor.  We lost the belief that for the most part we are all trying to do the best we can with what we have.  There are people out there who are abusive and negative and we don't want them in our lives.  AND there are people that are trying and because they aren't hitting perfection on a semi-regular basis we are frustrated.

When I look at long term successful (or what I see as successful) relationships in my world, what I see are 2 people who decided that there is more good here then bad, people that have committed to each other to work through their problems and live out a life of mutual co-existence and make a life that is happy.  They are committed to each other's happiness and sharing a life--they are not keeping score or holding a tally sheet.  They are over the long haul loving and supporting each other through life.

So when you think about your relationship I want you to ask yourself--over the long haul...  Is this person adding to my life?  Is this person building up more than tearing me down? When the chips are down would this person be there for me?  Does this person celebrate my successes and dry my tears during my challenges?  Is this person truly capable of showing me in ways I can feel it that they love me?     Then ask yourself.  Do I add to this person's life?  Do I build this person up more then tear them down?  When the chips are down am I fully there for this person?  Do I celebrate their successes and dry their tears during the challenges?  Am I capable of showing them in ways they can feel that I love them?

If you answered yes to these questions, be grateful and celebrate the genuinely sturdy foundation on which your relationship is based.  If you answered no, now is a time to take a deeper look at your relationship, at your needs and your partners needs and explore ways of re-building the foundations of your relationship.

Relationships is about playing a game of catch.  And we need to have some awareness and communication  around our relationships, around what we need, what our partner's need and how we can  help each other meet those needs.

Thanks to everyone for your comments--my goal of this blog is to make this a conversation about Living Happier as a person, in relationship and in your careers.  Thank you for showing up and sharing.

The Power of Our Thoughts and Living Happier

I am constantly amazed at the power of our minds in shaping our emotions.  However,  I think the idea of just think happy and it will be so, can be over simplified.  I am a big believer that we need to actually FEEL things, feel grief or anger or betrayal and putting on a happy face and ignoring any feelings of pain or anxiety isn't going to make us feel better in the long run.  So for today I am talking about those days when we are just feeling in a funk or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  On these days I do believe we can change our moods by changing our thoughts.  We can as they say make lemonade out of lemons.

So yesterday I was at the gym and my trainer (who I love to death and thank her daily for whipping me into shape) had me doing this awful and I do mean awful push-up, turning, abs,  pilatesesque exercise.  One of those it hurts so bad it BETTER be good for me exercises.  We were at the end of my workout and I was just DONE I mean D.O.N.E.

For this exercise,  I had to do 5 reps each side 3 sets in total.  During the first set, after each side I would put down the weights and just complain to my trainer about how much I hated this exercise, how much it hurt and how hard it was.  During the second set, I gave up complaining out loud and just voiced it in my head. Just going to town with how much I HATED this exercise and how bad I was at it.  On the last set, I was sick of myself complaining and said to my trainer, "ok, I am just going to do it--I love this exercise, I am strong and this is making even stronger" and she said ,"yes, you can do it" and started cheering me on. Throughout the third set I just kept saying to myself "you are strong and getting stronger".  Amazingly the last set was not only my best set form wise but I whipped through it with much less pain and effort.  Now you could argue that it was my last set and that is why I felt better, which might have something to do with it, but I honestly think it was my attitude.  I felt lighter on the 3rd set, I felt more confident and the exercise felt easier. I realized that my thoughts were literally dragging me down, making the exercise 1000 times harder than it already was and when I finished I said wow it is amazing the difference your thoughts can make.

I notice that on the days when I am feeling grumpy for no reason that when I start paying attention to my inner dialogue it's not positive--it is full of judgements about myself or just plain old negativity.  When I switch those negative thoughts to positive I do feel better, my posture changes,  my walk is lighter, I add a smile to my face, I honestly feel happier.  All that it required was changing my thoughts.  Sometimes life truly does hand us a bad batch of lemons and there is no hope of getting any lemonade and we do need to experience that pain and disappointment.  We need to vent and feel sad.  Sometimes life hands us what we perceive as bad lemons when if we look at them again they are sprinkled with sugar and we can make some wonderful lemonade by reframing the situation and changing our thoughts.

What do you think is living happier as easy as changing your thoughts?  Do you have examples of times you have changed your negative thinking and felt happier?

The No Judgment Experiment

A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine was telling me about a guy where he works who had told him that he had recently started trying to live his life being without judgement of himself or other people and that he felt  much happier.  So my friend said to me "hey maybe that is a blog post idea, live happier by being non-judgmental" (side note: since writing this blog you would be amazed how often "hey that would make a great blog post" comes up in daily conversation). Although the concept that non judgment is a key to living happier isn't a new one, it wasn't one I had actively engaged in--in my own life.  As a  therapist and teacher, I pride myself on being pretty non-judgmental, pretty open to people and their lives/life choices.  But I know I have a tendency to be pretty judgmental on myself and so I wanted to try the experiment and see how it felt.

So  decided the next day I would start trying to live a life of being non-judgmental and then blog about how I felt.   As I said at the beginning, this whole concept came to my thought process a couple of weeks ago.  Since that time I have tried to make it through ONE day with the consistent, conscious thought of being non-judgmental, unsuccessfully.  Finally, I decided that it was too much to go with the goal of being non-judgmental.  First (as I always say) you have to start with awareness so Monday I decided to just be aware and notice when I am judgmental and what I am judgmental about.  The theory being if I can figure out what I am judgmental about I can bring more awareness to those areas and eliminate them.  But my findings were very interesting.

This is what I learned in my two- day experiment:

• I tend to be most judgmental of myself (not surprising).
• To that same end, many of my judgments about other people come from some place of insecurity about myself.  I see someone who has a nice body or looks especially cute and I make some judgment about her intelligence to make myself feel better that I don't have that body.  
• Much to my dismay, I tend to be more judgmental when I am around certain people--so if someone around me is judgmental and I don't know them well or am not particularly comfortable with them I tend to just go along rather than stop the judgment.

I admit part of the reason I didn't want to write this blog post is because I didn't want to admit I am judgmental and I do judge myself and others more than I thought.  But what I found most enlightening about this experiment (which I hope to continue and falls nicely in my year of love theme) is that judgment is directly correlated with my level of insecurity.  I am very live and let live about people and their life choices.  However, the areas I am personally insecure about are the areas I tend to be most judgmental about in myself and other people.  Therefore-if we can start eliminating the insecurities/judgments it stands to reason we would live happier because we would be less insecure, less worried about the outside world, more grounded etc.  Now I don't know if the goal of completely eliminating insecurities and therefore judgments is a realistic one--but it is totally worth a shot to decrease them.

So today I challenge you to your own Non-Judgment experiment.  Just for the day notice when you are judgmental.  What are you most judgmental about both in yourself and in others? What are the themes that emerge?  Remember the key is to be non-judgmental about your tendency to be judgmental (as hard as that is).

I would love to hear from you about your experience--were you surprised at your judgments?  Did you find similar findings that your judgments=your insecurities?

I will keep you posted on my non-judgment experiment as the year goes on.

Loving Them Anyway

At the beginning of the year I decided to make this my year of love, meaning I was going to add more love into my life.  Love for myself, love for my work, love for my friends, love for my family and love for people on the street.  I am always amazed that when I make something an intention it tends to show up in a variety of different ways and places, whether that is the universe or my heightened awareness I am constantly debating.  But it always happens.  As it is with my love intention.  Over the past few weeks I have been challenged on my definition of love, I have engaged in discussions about love and I have been introduced and re-introduced to a number of readings on the subject of love.  One of them that I just stumbled upon while looking for a book on my book shelf was True Love a Practice for Awakening the Heart by Thich Nhat Hanh a Zen Buddhist monk.  This is one of those books that I could read 1000 times and still be inspired--quite impressive considering it is only 100 very little pages long.

As I grabbed the book I opened it to a random page and I read:

"We really have to understand the person we want to love.  If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love.  If we only think of ourselves, if we only know our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love." 

What I love about Thich Nhat Hanh's writing is the simplicity and the beauty.  In this day and age, when the principles of finding yourself, naming your needs, becoming strong and independent tend to be common place we tend to lose this simple rule of love.  People are human.  People aren't perfect.  The people we love mess up, they try hard, they get it wrong, they make mistakes.  Our job as those who love them is to love them anyway.  Yes, it is important to know our needs but it is also important to know the needs of those we love.  Love is kind and caring it is about showing up and being forgiving.  Love is about trying your hardest to get it right or maybe not even trying your hardest because you are tired and worn out and for tonight you are just too damn tired--but tomorrow you will try again.

I was recently talking with a client who has been dating a guy for a little over 6 months. They are out of the joyous honeymoon stage and they are both seeing each other warts and all.  It is a time of insecurity and doubt and she is trying with all her might to make sure he really loves her by putting up all kinds of hoops for him to jump through.  The sad thing is, it is quite clear he does love her, however he can't possibly hit all her hoops or meet all her needs 100% of the time.  In the session, we discussed the fact that even if they love each other and even knowing that FOR SURE, she still can't predict him or possess him and he might hurt her on occasion.  But that doesn't mean he doesn't love her.  Frequently in my practice I hear stories of manipulation, insecurity and fear disguised as love.  This is not love.  Love is pure and messy all at the same time.   Love is about showing up and accepting.  So today as you move through your day think about those you love.  Are you showing up?  Are you accepting them for who they are?  Or are you protecting yourself and putting up a bunch of hoops for them to jump through?

Love is knowing them and loving them anyway.

Thank You

Just wanted to say thank you to all of you who joined the Help Haiti Blog Challenge.  Between, comments to my blog, joiners of my e-mail list and people who e-mailed me because they couldn't get the comments area to work I received 15 responses.  So that is $30,  I will be sending to Partners in Health to help relief efforts in Haiti.  AND thanks to my wonderful friend and marketing coach Michelle Barry Franco at BrazenSoul who agreed to match the donations Partners in Health will receive an additional $30! You rock, Michelle!! Thanks to everyone who participated Blog Challenge, developed and inspired by Kelly Diels.

Gratitude and Giving is what it is all about!!

The Help Haiti Blog Challenge

I have been inspired by Kelly Diels at Cleavage,  Lindsey at A Design So Vast and a number of other bloggers who have decided to put their money where their mouth is.  In the spirit, of yesterday's post I have decided to join the Help Haiti Blog Challenge.

So I will donate $2 for every comment left on this blog between now and noon Monday, January 18th.  And I will donate $2 for anyone who joins my mailing list between now and noon Monday, January 18th.  All donations will be made to Partners in Health.

There has been an incredible out-pouring of support for the people of Haiti.  I am blessed in so many ways and am grateful to have the resources to join in this blog challenge.  Thank you for your support.

Guilt is a Useless Emotion

This morning I was discussing with a friend the tragedy that is occurring in Haiti.  She was saying that while she tries to wake up each morning feeling grateful--she struggled this morning with the overwhelming guilt of all the blessings she has in her life.  How, she wondered, could she be struggling with the question of living happier when people were dying from a natural disaster?

As I have discussed here before, life is messy.  In the midst of living happier, we can be struck with a tragedy so horrific it brings us to our knees in disbelief.  It is at these times we need to act, to grieve, to research, to spread the word, to mobilize.  Unfortunately, it is also easy during these times, for us to get paralyzed by our own guilt.  As my mom always told me, guilt is a useless emotion.  It doesn't serve anyone and in reality prevents us from making real change.  To put it bluntly, guilt is a way for us to feel bad about something without really engaging in making it any better.  Our guilt doesn't help the Haitian people get water, or health care.  Our guilt doesn't give them food or resources.  Our guilt does nothing but paralyzes us.

What we CAN do is be grateful for all we have--be grateful for our blessings AND find as many ways possible to give back to the people of Haiti and anyone else we know who is in need.  We can do both, gratitude and giving.

Chris Sacca has compiled Six Ways you can help the people of Haiti.  And the Huffington post, also compiled some ways you can help.  These are wonderful resources for us to act.  If you haven't already please use these resources and give.

Peace.

Escaping the Hamster Wheel: Doing vs. Being

One of my favorite questions to ask my clients and myself is "how full is your bucket?"  This questions stems from the idea that in order to live happier we need to be filling our lives with people and activities that give us energy (aka fill our bucket).  Basically, in a world, where we sometimes get trapped on a hamster wheel, where we are giving to our relationships, our families, and our careers giving to ourselves tends to take a back burner.  So in the spirit of reuniting clients with themselves and engaging in some self-care, when a client comes into my office I often spend some time on what activities they can engage in over the next few weeks that might add to their bucket.

Last week, I was working with a client I had seen a few times before. Her bucket is pretty empty and she is dealing with a lot of loss/conflict and pain currently in her life.  However, she has latched on to the bucket analogy with gusto and has really tried to come up with activities/events/people that fill up her bucket.  Last week she came in to my office exasperated as she expressed her frustration with the bucket concept--she was REALLY trying to add activities that fed her.  She was trying to engage in activities that added to her bucket but she still felt depleted and sad.  I empathized with her frustration and explained that the point of the bucket analogy is to make yourself aware that you need to engage in self care.  However, sometimes self care is DOING something for yourself--engaging in activities that feed your soul or surrounding yourself with people who make you happy.  Sometimes self care is just BEING.  Just being with yourself and giving yourself some space to feel your emotions, giving yourself some love and caring.  Sometimes self care is doing and sometimes self care if being.

I think as humans we are good at the doing, my client expressed that she liked the bucket concept because it meant there was something she could DO to feel better.  Which is true, but what she found and what is also true is sometimes we just need to BE. We just need to give ourselves a break. The point of the bucket analogy is to remind ourselves to put ourselves first and that self care isn't selfish.  However self care comes in a variety of ways.  For my client she needed to be with herself and allow herself the space to express the sadness and pain in her life.  The concept of filling up her bucket had turned into another way she could run from herself.  It had turn into another to-do,  and had become another thing that kept her trapped on the hamster wheel.

Living Happier is about taking care of yourself and filling yourself back up whether that be by engaging in activities, spending time with people or being with yourself. The point is to get off the hamster wheel of life and giving back to yourself in a loving caring manner.

Healthy Relationships and a Game of Catch

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately.  I have had a number of clients in my office (mostly women) discussing their relationships and basically their exhaustion at being part of a couple. These women aren't finding fulfillment in their relationships.  They are giving too much or expecting too much, they have fallen victim to a mix of having their expectations so high that they get disappointed or setting the bar so low they are exhausted from doing everything.  One of the ideas of relationships I particularly like is the analogy of throwing the ball.  My mentor Annette Franks gave me this analogy and it has stuck with me over time.

Ideally a relationship is 2 way street where both people are giving and receiving 100%.  Both parties are engaged and wanting to participate in the relationship.  Think of  a relationship as a game of catch.  In a healthy, dynamic relationship the game of catch goes back and forth back and forth, becoming playful at times and dutiful at times but each time Person A throws the ball and Person B catches it (or at least picks it up) and throws it back.  In an unhealthy relationship when Person A throws the ball, Person B just lets it fall to the ground, so person A runs over and picks it up and eventually throws it back. Person B might throw it back ever third time and so while it isn't an even game of catch it is enough of a game that Person A continues to throw the ball in the hopes that maybe this time Person B will play along.  This unhealthy dynamic continues and the game of catch isn't even--sometimes Person A is the only one playing and sometimes Person B is the only one playing.  If you ever played catch alone it is lonely, frustrating,  and exhausting.

The goal is to have your relationship be an engaging game of catch as much as possible.  Recognizing that there might be times when our partners can't play with us because of health reasons or stress reasons but knowing in a healthy relationship those times are limited.  The key is having both parties engaged so even if Person A throws the ball and because of poor health or stress Person B can only throw it a quarter of the way back, both parties are still engaged and trying.

When both partners are catching and throwing the ball equally to each other; the relationship dynamic becomes playful and energized.  When only one person is throwing the ball the relationship dynamic becomes demoralizing, lonely and draining.  

Think about your significant relationships:  are you the one always throwing the ball? Does your partner try to catch the ball and return it back to you?  Are you trying to catch the ball when your partner throws it? 

What if this is it? Is just being you enough?

Yesterday I was listening to Marianne Williamson. She is one of my favorite psychology/spirituality/self-help authors.  She is famous for her work in the course in miracles, and has given and recorded many lectures on that topic.  One of them I particularly love and admit have listened to many, many times is called Letting Go and Becoming.  Last night, as I was driving to a friends house I was listening to it for the millionth time and was once again inspired.

With the turn of the new year I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to 'set my goals', 'make changes', this has to be the year when I 'accomplish something' so I am putting a lot of excess ego-centric pressure on myself and my business. Admittedly I have gotten stuck in the 'all be happy when' syndrome.

 EVERY time I listen to this lecture I am struck by one sentence and it wows me every time:

"Happiness comes from the decision to be happy.  And with that decision comes the realization that NOTHING can be added to my life to make it any better. THIS IS IT! and you go 'oh no' and that is the despair we are trying to avoid because we say to ourselves, 'oh this can't be it because there is not enough here'" --Mariann Williamson

She goes on to say how in order to avoid the despair of thinking this is it--we continue to look outside of ourselves to finally have enough and it is a never ending cycle.

What I find most interesting about this quote is how my reaction to it has changed over the years.  Like I said I have listened to this lecture probably close to a dozen times over the past 10 years.  The first time I listened to it I couldn't even hear what she was saying because I was under the belief that 'no way was I enough'.  Yes, that would be something I would LIKE to feel but the concept was so foreign to me it couldn't even connect in my brain.  Then a few years later I began to feel the despair that she talked about, the utter realization and disappointment that it doesn't matter how much I try succeed or learn or earn because I still feel despair inside. So I needed to come to the realization that I am valuable, lovable, worthy period.  And I allowed myself that despair and that grief process.

Now when I listen to those words it is like a wonderful reminder to me that I am enough and this IS it.  I actually can let out a big sigh of relief and say, 'thank GOD' I can quit trying to be more loving, better organized, more diligent, more extroverted etc.  I am enough period and if I start working with what I have, start being grateful for what I have then I can move forward and live happier.

I am continually amazed with my life, and my clients lives how living happier is not only a choice it is a process.  It is a process of recongizing where we are and allowing ourselves to just BE in that spot.  For some of you reading this post, that quote will be a totally foreign weird scary concept, for some of you it will be a wonderful ah ha, or it might be a reminder of something you forgot years ago.

Regardless of where you are in the live happier process--the goal is to live happier period.  To remember you are enough, you have been given wonderful unique gifts that add value to the world and your job is to express those in the most loving joyous manner.  This is it.  We keep growing and learning but no matter where we are in the process, no matter how much wisdom, knowledge, money, success we have we are enough  because this is it.  There IS enough here and I am grateful for all of it.  The insecurities, the drive to succeed, the procrastion, the doubt, the insights, the need to clarify constantly all of it makes up the unique, nuanced, eccentric me.  For today, stop trying to be a better you or gain more stuff. Today just be you.

What are your thoughts on the concept: Nothing can be added to my life to make it any better. This is it.? 
What emotions does it stir in you?

Living Happier Through Conflict

I am constantly amazed how every day the choice to live happier is presented to me.  In my opinion, living happier is a choice, it is a choice to have awareness in my life, to have curiosity about situations and to take action based on my thoughts, feelings and needs.

Those choices to live happier come daily especially in our interactions with others.  Much to my disappointment (and I assume yours as well) we can't control everything about our partners, friends, or family.  We can't force them to say the perfect thing or do the 'right' activity.  Because of these differences there is bound to be conflict, disappointment and misunderstandings.  In my practice, I find that the unresolved misunderstandings in relationships are one of the biggest glitches to living happier.  Frequently people get snagged on the misunderstandings, wanting their partner to read their minds, take all the responsibility, or be perfect in every way. And seeing as we are all human--perfection just isn't in the cards.

Earlier this week, I had a one of these classic misunderstandings with a good friend.  I had accomplished something I was particularly excited about and as I told him I expected him to react with great joy and excitement over my news and when his reaction was different then I expected I became angry and hurt.  His reaction wasn't out of character for him or our relationship but it wasn't the perfect reaction and didn't live up to my expectations.  In the past, if someone disappointed me or we would have a misunderstanding I would pull away, pout, and allow the interaction to cloud if not ruin much of my day. I might have confronted the person after my pouting but if I did it probably didn't get resolved and I still had hurt feelings.   In other words I would not live happier.

These days when I have an issue with someone, like this friend, I tend to go through a process of Regrouping, Responsibility and Reframe.  I thought it might be helpful to introduce that concept here:

Regroup: Take time to feel what you are feeling; cry, pout, be angry etc.  Express those emotions in healthy productive ways, cry, scream, hit a pillow etc. Get it out and allow new energy to come in.  Realize you have a choice in how you are feeling. As I walked away from the interaction I began to cry and started my old comfortable pattern of pouting.  THEN I caught myself (here is the beauty of awareness) and I told myself I had a choice.  I could let his reaction to my good news make me unhappy or I could celebrate my good news and let him have his reaction.  After crying and letting out my anger and frustration I was able to look more clearly at the situation and began to look at responsiblity.

Responsibility:  You are responsible for your thoughts feelings and needs and for expressing them in healthy concise ways.  After I regrouped, which I admit took an hour or so I was able to look more clearly at the misunderstanding.  During that process I actually ran into my friend again.  He apologized for hurting me and explained why he had the reaction he did.  This in my mind was a CLASSIC misunderstanding--he was not acting out of a place of revenge or pettiness he was merely being himself, and acting within the bounds of our relationship patterns.  In other words, he was doing the best he can with what he had.   Frequently in conflicts we try to come up with blame or a right /wrong.  Unfortunately it is rarely that black and white.  I was upset that my friend didn't react in a way that I wanted him too and he was reacting in a way that felt genuine and heartfelt to him.  So in the responsibility phase I started to realize what is it I needed from him to feel better, what is it I needed to give myself to feel better.  In reality, I needed to give myself the kudos and joy for my victory AND I needed him to be express his excitement too.   The other thing that came up for me in this phase was taking responsibility that perhaps my reaction was a bit out of character for me and having some curiosity around why I might have such a strong reaction.

Reframe:  Here you are allowing yourself to get a clear look at the conflict--what is REALLY going on--what do I REALLY need and how can I express that to my partner/friend.  How can I reframe the conflict and resolve it? I realized through my curiosity that while I needed my friend to be excited for me, what was underlying my reaction was the fact that I hadn't spent much quality time with him recently. So when his reaction didn't hit my mark exactly it triggered me.  I needed to reframe my anger at him and ask for what I needed.  The minute I realized what was underlying the conflict and could express that need I felt happier.

That is the interesting thing about conflicts they are rarely what we are fighting about so we need to regroup, flush out the responsibility and reframe.  We need to make the choice to live happier, to allow other people to not hit the mark every time and then to get clear on what we need from them to make it better.

Digging Deep to Live Happier

Ah January!  I have a love/hate relationship with this month. On one hand it is nice to get back into the routine and relax from the hub-bub of the holidays.  On the other hand it is freezing cold, snowy and gray outside.  I have a sense of feeling trapped inside,even my dog is a bit stir crazy.  Also, it is the start of the new year as I said to a friend yesterday here we are 5 days in and I am exactly the same as I was in 2009!!  I was of course joking, but with the new year there does come some sense that we will dramatically change and shift over night.  And with the new year comes January, a bleak depressing time of the year and the awareness that we potentially have 3 more months of cold.

But this also presents a great lesson in Living Happier--which you know I am always looking for!  Even in the bleakest of times, when we feel trapped inside and tired of grayness we need to be taking care of ourselves.  We need to be finding things that fill up our bucket, feed our souls and give us the little joys.  This time of year we need to dig deep and find those parts of our life that make us happier.  Whether that be watching my dog romp through the snow, taking a new art class, enjoying a glass of wine with a friend, planning a getaway to someplace warm or just pretending it is warm outside while swimming indoors.

So this post is a friendly reminder to myself and you my wonderful readers--let's be creative, think of those things that feed your soul and start sprinkling them into our lives.

And since we are all on this Live Happier journey together--please share your soul feeders.  What do you add to your life when you are feeling bleak?  What activities/events do you go to fill up your bucket?  This time of year we need all the help we can get.  Thanks for sharing!!

Live Happier Tips from the Woods

Over the holidays, I went on a hiking trip with some friends.  When I say hiking I don't mean the traditional sense of walking on a path through the woods.  I mean hiking, forging a new path, sliding down hills, scaling rocks, jumping over creeks, crawling up hills, etc.  (The picture here is from the top of a rocky peak that we hiked up.)  This event was WAY out of my comfort zone.  While I was hiking through the woods, experiencing periods of utter joy and sheer exhaustion I figured out some lessons on living happier.

Relaxing Doesn't Always Mean Slowing Down: Sounds counter-intuitive, huh?  The friends who were leading the hike moved very fast so you had to keep up.  I struggled with this a lot until a friend of mine told me of a story of a guy who was talking to a wise shaman who was teaching him about the meaning of life.  One of the lessons was to run through the woods as fast as he could.  As the guy started running he realized the more he relaxed the easier it was to run without getting caught up on stuff and falling down.  As the pace got faster, my initial reaction was to move slower (and sometimes I did) but when I relaxed and went with my gut I was able to keep pace with the group.  In life, while it is necessary to take time off and disconnect.  We also need to learn how to relax while engaging and moving through life.  We need to connect with ourselves and our guts while we are keeping pace.

It Is Ok To Be Last:  For those of you who know me, I am pretty competitive especially with myself. I like to succeed so being last is a challenge for me.  I was the one bringing up the rear, struggling up the hill or scared to jump the creek.  But by the second day of being last I started relaxing into it.  It was kind of nice to let my competitive spirit go, to recognize I don't HAVE to be good at everything.  To see I had stuff to learn and places to grow and to get my ego in check.  In all honesty, it was humbling to see how far out of whack my ego had gotten and just how uncomfortable it was for me to struggle.  As I was walking I realized the challenge helps me feel alive, helps me grow and learn.  Frequently, in our lives we set it up so we don't have a lot of challenges, we get in our routines and we do the stuff we are good at.  When was the last time you really challenged yourself, learned something new and got out of your comfort zone?

Ask For Help No Matter How Hard.  I was also amazed how hard it was for me to ask for help.  In fact, I voiced that I didn't want help a number of times to my nearest and dearest on the hike. I wanted to figure it out on my own, so even if I was bringing up the rear I wanted to get there alone.  So my nearest and dearest stayed away, occasionally checking in but allowing me my struggle.  But those who didn't know me as well or just chose to ignore me stayed back and made sure I made it,  offering helpful (and I do mean HELPFUL) hints along the way.  At first I was annoyed, embarrassed really, that I needed so much help, I worried that I was holding them up, ruining their hiking experience, etc.  And then I became really appreciative.  I tend to be a lone ranger; asking for help, being vulnerable not my strong suit (but I keep spiraling up!!!) so this was a great lesson for me.  Once my ego stepped aside it felt good to get help, to have someone care enough to stay back and make sure I was ok.  Often times we would rather struggle alone then ask for help and open ourselves up to the vulnerabilities of being 'less than'.  When was the last time your stubbornness effected your ability to ask for help?

Enjoy the View.  The view was incredible.  Thank God I didn't miss it--I have included some pictures below, of the view.  Even though I was tired, achy, and struggling to fight my ego, I was still able to look around and enjoy the view.  And that, my friends is the point of life.  We struggle we get exhausted we beat up on ourselves and then we say 'wait a minute!' look at this view, look at my life, look at my blessings and we relax and smile.  That is living happier at its finest.

The New Year, Resolutions, Love and Floss...

I am back.  After a wonderful, peaceful, joyful vacation I am back.  I didn't even enter my office area during the past 2 weeks.  I soaked up time with friends and family, relaxed on the couch, caught up on sleep and just enjoyed myself.  This time was a good reminder to me of the need to decompress, the need to take time to pause and reflect on life and step off the treadmill from time to time.

So here we are in the new year, the new decade for that matter.  This is the time when we hear about resolutions, making changes, becoming better people.  I have to admit I am not a fan of resolutions.  Mostly because resolutions tend to force us to think that if only we have enough self control, enough strength and are just plan good enough we will become skinny, caffeine-free, alcohol-free, smoke-free, gym rats. And that just isn't the case.  As one of my mentors says "all change is incremental, all change is incremental, all change is incremental" (He always repeats it three times in a big booming voice for greater impact).  I believe resolutions can be helpful in allowing us to notice what we need to change.  I think the danger comes in when we start beating ourselves up for not being able to dramatically become a different person over night.  It is my belief we need a little self love with our resolutions.

So while I am not a fan of resolutions in the traditional sense. I am a fan of checking-in, reflecting, and reassessing.  That is what the past 2 weeks have been for me.  Re-acquainting myself with my values, my needs, what I want to add or subtract from my life.  With that I came up with two quasi resolutions.  The first one is pretty basic and traditional.  I am going to floss.  Notice I didn't say, "floss more" because right now I don't floss at all.  So I am going to add flossing into my routine--keeping in mind I usually add this one every few years and it hasn't stuck yet.  But after reading a couple of articles on flossing and inflammation I decided I will try it again not because I SHOULD floss but because I love myself enough to floss.

Secondly (and this is the one I really like) I am going to add more love into my life.  Not romantic love but love period.  Love for myself, love for my work, love for friends, love for family and love for people on the street.  As I have been thinking of my resolutions the words patience, space, happiness, relaxation, and joy kept popping into my head.  Those were things I wanted to add more into my life.  Finally I realized the word love pretty much encompasses all of those words.  So I made a little art project of it and wrote the word love out on a pieces of paper which are now hanging through my house.  Sounds a little hokey I know but I have found that when I write down and hang up the  changes I want to implement the changes actually happen--incrementally.  As I walk by the signs I put my hands over my heart and breathe in the word love and I just feel peaceful. It is a wonderful reminder to me that love is out there and it is possible to love more.

The key to resolutions and to any change really is that it takes time, it takes patience, it takes a plan and the space to mess up and try again.  As you reflect on your new year what is it you want to reassess?  What is it you want to add or subtract from your life?  In the coming year how are you going to Live Happier?

Happy New Year, my friends, I am glad to be back!!

Joyous Solstice

Today is officially the shortest day of the year. I have to admit this is one of my favorite days of the year.   Not just because from here on the days get longer.  But because it is a day of reflection a day of cozying up in my warm house and going to bed early.  I love the seasons, I admit I couldn't live in California or Florida.  I need the change and the contrast of the seasons.   I need the permission to hang on the couch with a warm blanket because it is snowy and cold outside.  I also need the sun and warmth of a June day when I can hang on my front porch and enjoy the flowers.  Without the contrast of this the shortest day we wouldn't have the appreciation of the longest days.  So Happy Solstice to you--enjoy the chance to eat a hearty meal, cozy up with a good book, catch up on some sleep and reflect on the changes of the season.


Also today marks the beginning of my vacation.  I have spent much of the weekend debating whether I was going to REALLY take the next 2 weeks off.  I decided a few weeks ago to not schedule any client appointments over these 2 weeks but I have a few writing projects (including this blog) that I am working on as well as making plans for 2010.  But last night I thought how wonderful it would feel to just take the time, clear my head and enjoy my holidays.  Frequently, because I am a small business owner I always have one foot in one foot out.  I rarely take a full fledged get away vacation as I did when I worked for an employer.  So this morning in the spirit of Living Happier and the Holiday season I decided to make it official.  I am taking a break. I am going to enjoy my holidays with my family and friends and embrace having some time to regroup and refresh.  I am going to practice what I preach and fill up my bucket over the next 2 weeks.  I hope you can take some time to enjoy your family and friends and embrace the peace that is the holiday season.   Happy Solstice, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year!   Wishing you joy, peace and happiness. See you in 2010.

"So the shortest day came, and the year died,
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive,
And when the new year's sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us - Listen!!
All the long echoes sing the same delight,
This shortest day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, fest, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!!"
-   Susan Cooper, The Shortest Day

Conversations on Passion

As you know I am a big fan of living with passion.  In fact, I believe, it is one of the keys to Living Happier.  I believe we need to figure out our values, look at our somedays, make a list of the areas we want to explore.  I believe rather than career counseling we should have passion counseling where we can explore the areas of our live that make our heart sing.  I do not believe there is just one passion in our lives.  We can be passionate about a multitude of areas--the key is discovering them and then embracing them with gusto.  The happiest people I know have a varied group of passions and they engage in them regularly.

This week two of my favorite bloggers wrote something about living with passion that I thought you might enjoy.  So I am including their links here.  Miche who writes on the blog Serenity Hacker wrote an interesting post exploring Is Passion Necessary for a Meaningful Life?  The title alone really intrigued me.  And Michelle at BrazenSoul wrote a wonderful post discussing the idea of Contribution.

I love reading other people's thoughts on one of my favorite topics and I hope you do too!

Have a wonderful holiday weekend. Whether you are celebrating the last night of Hanukkah, finishing up your Christmas Shopping or preparing for the Winter Solstice.  Enjoy.

Lessons Learned from the Velveteen Rabbit

One of my favorite books is The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams.  I have a copy of it sitting on my book shelf and every now and then I will pick it up and read it.  For those of you who haven't read it--it is a child's book that tells the story of a velveteen rabbit who becomes real through the love of a little boy.

Early on in the story he meets the Skin Horse who is real, who explains to the Velveteen Rabbit what real means:

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it Hurt?"

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happy all at once," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.  "You become. It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But those things don't matter at all because once you are real you can't be ugly except to people who don't understand."

The story goes on that the Velveteen Rabbit does become real because he is so loved by the boy.  In a nut shell the story reminds us that when we are truly ourselves and truly loved we become genuine and real.

I admit usually when I read this story I read it from the perspective of me being the Velveteen Rabbit. Longing to be real and to have someone who loves me unconditionally no matter what.  I read it and become inspired to be REAL to celebrate my uniqueness and get out of the box as I talked about on Monday.

However, today when I picked it up to read it, I read it from the perspective of the little boy.  To be the person who unconditionally loves no matter what.  To be the person who looks at someone and love them quirks and all, annoying personality habits or less then perfect bodies and sees their realness their underlying gold.

If I asked you, I am sure you would say that you unconditionally love those close to you, your partners, your friends your family.  And I am sure in the big picture you do unconditionally love those close to you.  However, the test comes in the day to day, in the annoying habits and the frustrating quirks in the humanity.  Frequently, in the day to day monotony of our relationships we are making a mental tally of who has done more, who has done more dishes, who calls more, who initiates more, who has sacrificed more.  We get stuck in the ego of one upping and self protection.  We don't love with a reckless abandon. We don't look at our partner or friends with appreciation and joy for the daily contributions that make to our lives.  As I was reading the book I was struck by how difficult it is to really let go and LOVE someone for their REALNESS yet that is what we all long for, someone to take us in and look at our ugliness and love it anyway.

So today, my challenge to you, as you interact with those close to you, love them for who they are, for their failures and their successes for their hits and misses.  Love them like the little boy loved the Velveteen Rabbit.

It's Not About You.

Yesterday I wrote some tips on Living Happier Through the Holidays.  One of my tips was to remember that frequently when someone spews negative energy at you it is about them not about you.  So I recommended that you don't take on that energy. This tip is one of those that takes years to fine tune. It is very challenging to not take in what other people tell us--to not take in their advice, their negativity, their pain.

So I have to confess that after posting that tip I had that lesson taught to me multiple times yesterday.  In the spirit of full confession and the idea of spiraling up I thought today, I would share a couple lessons I learned around the concept of it's not about you.

My first lesson came early yesterday morning, after posting to my blog I went out for my morning walk with my dog, Mocha.  As we were walking, a woman was walking her dog across the street from us. I admit I wasn't paying attention and as her dog began to bark at Mocha, Mocha lurched across the street wanting to play with the other dog.  Because I wasn't paying attention, I didn't pull Mocha back fast enough and she headed out into the street.  The woman began yelling at me saying that I needed to control my dog (never mind that her dog started it with the barking, and Mocha is about as gentle as a down comforter, she merely wanted to play).  As we walked away from the 'altercation', I immediately started beating myself up, "I should have been paying attention, I should have a tighter control of Mocha, blah, blah blah".  Then I remembered what I had just said in my blog and I thought, ok this woman is clearly having a bad day. Yes, maybe I should have been paying attention but really her reaction did not fit the situation.  So after a little mental chatting with myself I moved on and enjoyed my walk with Mocha.

Then again, yesterday afternoon I was chatting with a friend and she was giving me advice about another relationship in my life.  Her advice was unsolicited and also hit a strong nerve in me. She hit one of my hot buttons (that honestly she didn't know about) and that advice triggered a slew of negative messages that had been put there years ago through multiple experiences, people and situations.  So I began to spin and spin on this advice which really was more about her view of relationship (advice usually is more about the  other person which is why it is rarely helpful). Fortunately, I called another friend of mine who is also an avid reader of my blog and she jokingly and lovingly pointed out the story of Buddha that I had written about yesterday.  She was right!  I was taking on the advice and allowing it to infiltrate my self esteem, allowing it to trigger my negative thoughts and beliefs.  With the help of this friend, I eventually was able to unhook the negative beliefs and had a wonderful evening baking christmas cookies.

Yesterday, I realized not only is Living Happier an ongoing event--something we have to work at every day of our lives--it involves a constant level of awareness.  We constantly receive messages that could cause us to spin and that spinning becomes an almost comfortable habit.  I admit pulling out the hammer and clubbing my back with it is habit, it tends to be my first reaction, it is my go to.  I need awareness around changing that.  Now at least I recognize when I am activating that old habit.  That awareness comes with the intention to change it, the action of reaching out to get help and then perseverance to resist the old habit of going negative.  A few years ago if advice from a friend had triggered a negative spin off I would have used that as a reason to hammer myself for the rest of the night, dragging out all my old negative stories and beliefs. I would have then drowned my sorrows in a bag of chocolate and bad TV. Fortunately as I spiral up I am able to unhook those beliefs and live happier!

What are some of your 'go to' negative habits?

Living Happier Through the Holidays

In the spirit of the holiday season I thought I would offer some tips for Living Happier through the Holiday Season.

Breathe

Frequently we get so caught up in the frenzy that is the holidays—shopping, parties, cooking, baking, wrapping—we forget to relax and breathe.  Take some pause time and savor the time of year.  Savor your family, friends, the joy of watching your children unwrap their presents, or the beauty of the tree or the fun of gathering with friends or family.  Take time to breathe, sleep and eat properly.  Take care of yourself.

Set your plan

What is it YOU want to get out of the holidays? What is your favorite part of the holiday season?  Finding the perfect gift, wrapping, baking cookies or hanging with family.  What is your least favorite part?  Finding the perfect gift, wrapping, baking cookies or hanging with family.  Make sure you engage in the activities you enjoy and limit the activities you don’t enjoy.  No one says you HAVE to do everything—if you don’t like baking, buy the cookies. If you hate wrapping--use gift bags.  The holidays are suppose to be a time of joy, so pay attention to what you enjoy about the holidays and engage in those activities.

Let go of perfection

The holidays, like life, are messy.  They rarely go according to plan so let go of the need for perfection.  Instead enjoy the foibles and mess-ups that happen because they are a part of the experience.  Again if you KNOW you love the act of baking cookies than the fact that one tray is a little too burnt it isn’t the end of the world, it is a part of baking.  There is no such thing as a perfect family holiday.  Families argue and fight presents get broken and mishaps happen. Rather than shooting for perfection find joy and humor in the inevitable mishaps.

SpeNDing time with Family isn’t always joyful.

In fact sometimes it can be challenging and painful.  So remember that you might have to go to Aunt Sally’s for Christmas dinner but that doesn’t mean you have to stay 5 hours and engage in the passive aggressive banter.  It is important to maintain your own sense of self at family gatherings and if you have a family that is not supportive or tends to belittle you—you don’t have to engage in that behavior.  It is helpful to think of yourself in a plexiglass box.  As family members engage in activities or say things that are harmful or hurtful they just hit the box.  The negative patterns don’t have to stick to you or your self worth.  

A friend of mine told me the story she had heard about Buddha.  Buddha was walking through town and ran into a man who began to give him a mouthful of negative criticism.  When the man finished Buddha looked at him and said, "No Thank you, I don't accept your thoughts, and I am giving them back to you because really they have more to do with you than me."  So true. Many times when people say negative things about us it is more about them then us.  When these activities occur simply remove yourself as quickly as possible.  Make sure to have people you can vent to or with who will help you not take in the negative thoughts. 

May you and those close to you have a wonderful holiday season!

Getting Out of the Box

There are 1000s of books written about finding your perfect career, finding your passion, etc.  It is rare that I find one that I think is inspiring or unique.  Dr. Ken Robinson who is a leading thinker on the idea of creativity and education wrote the book The Element.  In The Element, he talks about passion and creativity and the stumbling blocks we have as humans in figuring out what areas we are passionate about.  What I love about this book is what it isn't:  It is not a step by step guide to figuring out your passion, it is not of the theory that we have one passion and once we figure that out we are done, it is not a cookie cutter method of figuring out your passion.

In fact, one of Dr. Robinson's theories is that we each have unique ways of looking at the world, unique intelligences, unique gifts, unique ways of being creative and many times because of the education system, peer pressure etc we don't celebrate our uniqueness.  We don't celebrate our differences and therefore we miss our passions.  One of my favorite quotes from the book is "We are all born with extraordinary power of imagination, intelligence, feeling, intuition, spirituality and of physical and sensory awareness.  For the most part we only use a fraction of these powers, and some not at all.  Many people have not found their Element because they don't understand their own powers"

So frequently we try to put ourselves in a box, to normalize ourselves with the masses rather the recognizing our unique gifts, our unique passions, our unique selves our own power.  Dr. Robinson tells the story of a child named Gillian who was having trouble at school, she couldn't concentrate and was jittery through many of her classes. Her mother took her to a psychologist who talked with both her and her mother.  As she listened to them talk Gillian began to believe that maybe there were right maybe she wasn't a good person, a good student and she needed help.  Eventually the psychologist asked to see the mother in the hallway, as he walked out of the office he turned on the radio.  As the mother and the psychologist watched Gillian from the hallway (Gillian could not see them) they saw her begin to dance, the expression on her face was pure joy and her movements were graceful and beautiful.  The psychologist turned to the mother and said, 'she isn't sick she is a dancer, take her to dance school'. The mother did, and Gillian eventually became Gillian Lynne--one of the most accomplished choreographers our time.  Had they put her on medication told her that she was a problem child this gift would have been missed.

So I want you to pay attention to your special gifts.  For today, look at your life and your day to day activities.  What makes your heart sing, what brings you joy, what are you uniquely gifted at.  It could be doing excel spreadsheets, listening without judgment, organizing materials, singing to the radio, running a mile with ease,  playing imagination with your children, baking banana bread, or cooking without a recipe.  As you look at yourself outside of the box, write down your unique gifts.  Then I want you to put these unique gifts someplace special, hang them on your bathroom mirror, put them in your journal. I want you to put them in a place where you can see them and then I want you to celebrate them.  These gifts are unique and special to you!  They add passion to your life and make you a gift to the world.

So please for the world, celebrate you!